UPJOKE
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“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…

They’re just waiting their turn.

Just been to London and had a terrible time. Joined a queue for the public toilets.

Had to wait 12 hours and at the end of it four blokes in uniform tackled me to the ground before I could even get a good stream going.

I was going to get up early to join the queue to pay respects to the Queen. But I slept in.

Guess I'm not a mourning person.

Imagine this, you’re in a queue to be hit in the face

That’s the punch line

What do you call the queue to a boxing match?

The punchline

To the man who stole my place in the queue..

I'm after you now.

Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue.

Wondering what is was for, he joined it. People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front.
As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked one guy, who also looked and was about t...

To the person who stole my spot in the queue!!

I am after you now!!

Why do astronauts on the ISS never spend much time in queues?

Because they weightless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to sanctions, people have to queue down for food in Russia these days…

One young man is in line, waiting for eggs, when everybody starts to leave the line—it’s been announced that they are out of eggs.

“Damn,” he remarks, “I remember when they didn’t run out of eggs.”

He moves on, of course, and lines up to buy bread. He waits, and waits, but again the li...

I’m giving away free yodelling lessons

So please form an Orderly, Orderly, Orderly Queue

Dave has died and is waiting in the queue to get into heaven.

As he draws ever closer to St Peter he can hear him asking people the same question.

"Denomination?" he asks a little old lady as she reaches the front of the queue.

"Methodist", she replies.

St Peter checks his notes and directs her to the eighth door on the left.

"Pleas...

I stood in line at a Vietnamese food truck for an hour.

When I finally got to the window, they were sold out and closing for the day.

What a big Pho queue.

A Dutch joke about the Brits and their love for queues, don’t know if it translates well

A Brit walks down the street and sees two queues. He gets behind one of them, and asks the woman in front of him:

“What is this queue for?”

“Just for fun” says the women.

“But what if I don’t want to stand in the queue?” The Brit asks.

To which the woman replies “that’s w...

They say us british people like to join queues

We dont and i will be first in line to tell you that

The word queue does't have 4 silent letters...

They are just waiting their turn.

EDIT
oh haha didN't realise this got so many upvotes thanks guys :D is there a way to edit the title for the spelling error?

What do you call a hundred rabbits hopping backwards in a queue?

A receding hairline

Fun fact about the word "queue"

**Queue** is pronounced from only the letter "q" as the rest four are waiting for their turn!

When British people do cocaine, they don't do lines

They do queues.

I was in the Post Office queue yesterday when Diana Ross tried to push in.

I said “You can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait...”

2 lawyers were stood in a queue at a bank. As they were chatting, some masked robbers came in to the bank and demanded everyone hands over their wallets.

The first lawyer calmly takes his wallet out of his pocket, takes $1000 out of his wallet and hands it to the second lawyer and says “here you go, this is that $1000 I owe you”

My 6-year-old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill.

Looks like she's preparing some kind of
barbie queue.

Brazilian Hell

A man dies and goes to hell...

There, he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks,

"What do they do there?"

He is told: "First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another...

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“What do you call a line for a Vietnamese restaurant in London?”

“Pho queue.”

“Well, fuck you too!”

Did you hear about the line to meet Donald Trump?

QueueAnon

I went to a snooker store recently but walked straight out

you should have seen the queues

A priest passes away and goes to heaven…

He arrives at St Peter’s gate and joins the back of the queue.

Shorty after, Bob the bus driver passes away. St Peter sees Bob and waves at him - “Bob! Come on over! Please go through you’re very welcome and please enjoy heaven you deserve it!”

The priest is flabbergasted and confused....

What do you call a queue of trucks?

A pickup line

I hate waiting in line so much!

When I say the alphabet I stop immediately after P. That's how much I hate queues!

So this young chap had always fancied this girl

All though high school he had admired her from afar. But never had the courage to ask her out.

Come the Prom he thinks to himself, if he doesn't ask now, it's never going to happen. So straightening his jacket, slicking back his hair, he puts his heart in his hands goes up to her and asks;...

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I'm bad at two things: telling jokes, and not getting angry while waiting in queue at orgies...

But I keep punching up the fuck line.

Putin is held hostage by a terrorist.

A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks:

Driver: What's going on?

Policeman: ...

What do you call a queue of cats at the bank?

A feline

I went to fairground recently and there was a man doing 'Guess your weight' so i stood in the queue and when it got to my turn

The man said "That was about 15 minutes"....

So i was in the queue at the airport and the lady at check-in said "There is a four hour delay" I asked "Why's that?" "The pilot heard a funny noise from the engine..

And it will take us four hours to find a pilot who can't hear it" she said...

Floyd Mayweather, Anthony Joshua and Tyson Fury were waiting in a queue.

(Punchline)

I was in the queue at Starbucks this morning.

The man getting served in front of me, asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas". The guy was fuming "I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!", he raged, "I'll just have to have a latte!". He went and sat down. I went to the counter and said "I'll have a large latte too, plea...

Hundreds of Russians are outside a bank,

grumbling about waiting hours in a long queue to make a withdrawl.

Suddenly one says '' I've had enough of this, I'm going to shoot Putin!"


He returns five hours later to the queue and his mate says '' did you kill him?''

he said ''no the queue was too long''

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My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

If the wait is too long when you're standing in a queue

Just cough loudly and say "Damn ! it's getting worse since I got back from China"

Dignitas have kept me on hold in a phone queue for 45 minutes now!

I'm rapidly gaining the will to live.

Asian lady exchanging money in front of me in the queue...

She says '"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat poun of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

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Wrong queue !

This girl was a prostitute, but her "granny" didn't know about it. One day, the police rounded up a group of pro's and the girl was caught. The cops had them lined up against a wall of the street where they were caught soliciting. Just then the grandmother walked by and saw her granddaughter.
Sh...

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A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket...

...when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can’t place where he might know her from, so he says “sorry do you know me?”

She re...

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At a party, I went to get a fruit cocktail and had to queue behind Elvis, Sasquatch and a Pterodactyl, and I thought to myself…

This is a really weird punchline.

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Soviet Meat Queue

A mixed group of Soviet Citizens are in line outside a butchers in Vitebsk, 1950.

The butcher comes out, and says:

> Comrades, due to problems with the supply structure, there is limited meat today. All Jews must leave the line.

The Jews leave the line.

Time passes....

Never get stuck behind the devil in a Post Office queue

For the devil can take many forms

a german bar opened in our neighborhood

i'm a curious guy so i get in

i ask the bartender: "can i get a glass of punch?"

he says: "sir, we are german, we are efficient and practical, there's a line for each beverage"

i look over and what do you know, i see a queue for each drink!

there's a long line just for wh...

Just seen a queue outside the graveyard..

For some reason, people are dying to get in there

A man returns to work sporting a black eye after lunch

His coworker asked him if he got in a fight during his lunch break, and he says no, he was randomly punched by a guy after he asked him which food line he was standing in. The coworker asks if this happened in the line for the ramen shop, but he shakes his head and replies, "No, pho queue."

what has 98 legs and 6 teeth?

The queue for methadone.

When is the only time P comes after Q?

When there's a line for the bathroom because you have to queue before you pee.

what's the difference between Modeling and Yodeling?

One's to form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue and the other is a singing technique

I was in the petrol station queue and there was a bloke in front of me his right arm was browner than the other...

He saw me looking, so I nodded to his arm and asked if he was a taxi driver.

He replied, "No. I'm a vet."

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

I really want a truck queue this weekend.

Oops, sorry, I meant for that to be a pickup line.

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A Glaswegian is standing in a bus queue eating a meat pie and chips, and this little yappy dog keeps jumping up at him and begging.

So he says to the lady that's got the dog, "Hey there, is it OK if I throw your dog a bit?"

And when she says "Yes," he picks the dog up by the scruff and yeets the fucker thirty yards up the street.

Three people are standing in a queue

The last one is visibly nervous and asks the person in front of him:
\- I needs to go before you. Please, me is in a hurry.
\- OK, sure, but why are you talking so weirdly?
\- Because me is a third person.

Fella goes into the barbers and there's a queue....

"How long will I have to wait for a cut?"

"About 2 hours" replies the barber.

"I'll be back later" says the guy who then leaves the shop.

The barber turns around quickly and says to his assistant. "Quick, follow him and tell me where he goes, that's the fourth time this week h...

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After queueing up for almost half an hour in the chemist last week,

I finally got to the
counter and the woman
looked at me and said,
"I'm really sorry about
your wait."

I replied,
"you're not so fucking
skinny yourself."

If you enter the store and there is a huge queue don’t be upset, just greet them

Buongiorno!

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A man is in a queue at a store and sees a busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks.

"Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says, "Fucking hell, are you the stripper I shagged on my bachelor party, whilst your friend whipped me, and your other frie...

When I went to pay for my items in a spiritualist shop I noticed a sign saying 'Queue on the other side'.

So I killed myself.

What do you say to let lose a line of lonely letters?

"Cue the queue of Qs!"

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So why are you in prison? [long]

Well, after a long and hard 12 hour shift at work and an hour long commute I make it home. Obviously I’m not in the mood to cook and most everywhere is closed, so I decide to order a pizza.

I call up the local pizza place, put in an order for a large with everything on it, and I wait. I wait ...

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A man arrives home at his local airport...

He hails the first taxi off the rank and says "how much out to the suburbs?"

"Sixty bucks" comes the reply.

"I've only got twenty in my pocket. When we get to my house, I'll give you the difference plus a big tip." says the traveller

"Nope" Says the cabbie firmly.

The nex...

If I got a lot of boxers to queue up behind each other

I’d have a punchline

In a queue for a nightclub, I looked for the serial number on the back of my girlfriend's dress.

"What do you think you're doing?" she said.

I said, "Well, you asked me what the dress code was.."

All his life, Pedro had wanted to be a pirate. And when he got the opportunity to interview for a position on a pirate ship, he was overjoyed...

Arriving at the quay, Pedro and the other pirate hopefuls stood around and waited for the captain to call them one by one on board for their interviews.

The captain emerged, but much to Pedro's surprise, instead of conducting individual interviews one-on-one on board the ship, the captain bid...

Did you hear about the Customs Officer who started shooting the immigration queue in Heathrow Airport?

I'm told he was borderline crazy

I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didn’t get in line. I knew it was a trick…

Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents

A bloke goes into the job centre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a gynaecologist’s assistant; intrigued, he goes in to find out more…

‘Can you give me some more details about this?’ he says to the guy behind the desk.

The job centre guy sorts through his files and replies, ‘Ah yes, I've had quite a few enquiries about this one; the job involves you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist – you have to help them out of ...

NSFW A lady was queueing up at the donating line at a sperm bank.

A helper goes up to her and tells her:"Ma'am, you are queueing in the wrong line. This is the line to donate sperms."

The woman stares at him for a second. She then points at her mouth and goes:"Mmm! Mmm!"

A lawyer is waiting in a long queue.

He feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders. He turns around. "What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm a chiropractor, I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?

There were three ants in a queue. The first ant said "there are 2 ants behind me". The second ant said "there's one ant behind me". The third ant said "there are 2 ants behind me". How is this possible ?

The 3rd ant lied.

There is a huge queue of nuns at the gates of heaven

At the steps of heaven, Petrus is standing in front of a gate with a bucket of water besides him.
In front of him is a huge queue of nuns, all wishing to enter the divine realm!

Petrus looks at the nuns and shouts "Listen up all of you who have served God so well. Before you enter Heaven, ...

How do you process a queue of table delete requests for an asynchronous database?

Pop, Lock & Drop It

Amongst the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the S&M club doorman was surprised to see a bespectacled man in a shirt and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Who are you, are you lost?" asked the doorman.

"Oh, I'm the statistician" came the reply.

"Then...what are you here for?"

With an unsettling grin, the statistician produced a pencil from his back pocket.
"Just standard deviation."

I love it when elderly people are queue-jumping ahead of me in the grocery store.

In a patronizing way I then say: "It's ok, you don't have for so long anymore."

There is this Vietnamese restaurant near my place that serves really good soup

It's really popular though, so one time I had to wait a whole hour just to go in, and by the time it was my turn, they ran out of soup. It was a really huge pho-queue.

I enjoy flying, but have a severe phobia of boarding queues

I spoke to the doctor, but they said it was a terminal illness

What's 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40?

The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.

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Standing in the queue at my local pharmacy, the man in front of me asks the female cashier...

....For a pack of 99 condoms. "Fuck me" she replies.

"Make that a pack of 100."

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Susie is a prostitute...

... who doesn't want her gran to know. One day Police raid the brothel & line up the girls outside.The gran walks past & sees her.Quick thinking Susie tells her its a queue for free oranges, so her gran joins the queue. When the Police get to gran, they're surprised & ask her 'How, do u ...

Some laws that we didn't learn at school

01. *LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR*

Once your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

02. *ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP*

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

03. *KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM*

When u dial a wrong numbe...

What do you call a queue with John Cena, The Rock and Macho Man in it?

A *punch*line.

I had to wait in line for a bowl of Vietnamese soup

That’s it, no joke. Don’t like it? Pho queue.

A son and dad are waiting in a busy, popular barber shop. Dad says, “This place is a cookout...”

First there’s a barber queue, then you get a fresh, tasty cut.

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In Russia during the height of the 1921 famine ,a bread queue has formed outside in freezing weather to feed the citizens but the bread truck hasn't arrived.

A party official comes up and says, "Hello comrades! There isn't enough bread to feed everyone today, so no bread will be given to any Jews."

All of the Jews, used to disappointment, shrug, pack up their things and go home.

Two hours go by as the snow keeps falling. The official return...

An old man was walking down the street in the Soviet Union and realized his shoe was untied.

Upon realizing it, he bent down to tie his shoe, and when he finished, he stood up only to realize there was a man standing behind him.

"Oh, excuse me, Comrade, I didn't mean to get in your way," the old man said, but got only a grim stare in response.The man turned to walk away, but then r...

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A plane made an emergency landing on water

A plane made an emergency landing on water. The stewardess asked the passengers to slide down to the lifeboats, but the passengers refused.

The stewardess then asked the captain to help. The captain, being very knowledgeable and experienced, guided her - “You tell the Americans this is an ADV...

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There were once three friends who were absolutely inseparable in high school.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways. One of the friends went on to become a very successful defense attorney. Top of his class at Harvard Law, opened his own firm, made everyo...

A lawyer dies and appears in front of the golden gates of heaven...

He finds himself at the back of a long queue of Popes.

Suddenly, St. Peter grabs him and takes him straight through the pearly gates.

“I don’t understand" the lawyer said puzzled. “There's hundreds of Popes waiting in line and you've let me in before them. Why?"

“Sir,” said St...

I went to a Vietnamese food truck at lunch to order my favourite soup...

But there was a huge line and I was in a rush. It was kind of a pho queue.

A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden

_Here's one I vividly remember being told by a kid in a playground when I was about 5 years old._


A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden. Incredulous they demand to see it for themselves.

When they get into the garden they see the slide is signif...

Viet namese restaurants

It was so busy when I went for soup I had to stand in a pho queue

So I went to this Vietnamese Resturaunt

...when I saw some patrons stomp out angrily muttering about someone being rude.  It smelled so good I was undeterred.  There was a soup station where they put it all together in front of you.  I asked the host how.it worked and he pointed and said "pho queue over there"

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Guess my age....

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is t...

What do you call a group of people waiting to get into a Pride festival?

An LGBT queue

A man goes to a wedding

And they celebrate as normal until the reception. When he enters the tents, he sees several queues. He sees one to take a picture with the bride and groom, one to throw something at the Mother-in-law, one to pin the dress on the bridesmaid-or if you’re lucky, unpin-, one to request music, one to dan...

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

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