Thumbs Jokes - 42 Hilarious Thumbs Jokes

What's got two thumbs and a poor grasp of visual comedy?

This guy!

What has two thumbs and 100k karma on their cake day?

Not me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Thumb King

Once upon a time, there was a Land of Fingers. Everyone who lived in the Land of Fingers was, appropriately enough, a Finger. All the Fingers, from mighty Index to cute little Pinky lived together in peace and harmony. Then one day came Thumb. Thumb was like the Fingers, but different. Shorter, stur...

A boy asks his dad a question

A boy asks his dad "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs,when their thumbs are not green?"

The dad replies,"It's just a saying son,It's like when somebody is caught stealing,they say they have been caught 'red handed',even though their hands is black."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got cut off by a taxi driver last week. I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?" "$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.

"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".
"$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of ...

Who has two thumbs and is headed to the hospital?

Not me. Christ that tablesaw was sharp.

Who's got two thumbs and a knife injury?

Not this guy. It's more like 1.9 thumbs now.

Who has 2 thumbs and wants a lot of awards for no effort?

That would be me.

Love you all, have a terrific day!

I’m in the World Thumb Wrestling finals.

We’ve been deadlocked in competition for the past 15 hours. Given how worn out our thumbs are, the judges have ruled we play sudden death with our big toes.

This will end in defeet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has two thumbs and just got fucked?

My weird, deformed hand

What do you call a judge without any thumbs ?

Justice fingers.

I went for a prostate exam.

I got thumbs up.

Netflix is replacing its star ratings with thumbs up and thumbs down.

Whether you like it, or not.

Who's got two thumbs and knows how to use scissors?

Not me, I can't apply to either of those anymore.

Guess who has two thumbs...

And a box of other miscellaneous body parts? This guy.

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up…

Which I did NOT appreciate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap?

Bob Kelso

A young boy asks his father if gardeners' thumbs are really green

The father says, "No, son, it's just an expression. Like when police catch a criminal red handed. The thief's hands aren't really red, they are black like normal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man loses his ass at a Las Vegas casino... (NSFW)

He has only his return plane ticket and a stash of cash at home, but not a penny with him. He sees one cab outside of the casino and pleads with the driver to give him the short ride to the airport, and he'll send the driver double his fare when he gets home.

"Goddamn filthy losers", says the...

Who has two thumbs and isn't afraid of the Chinese Government? This guy.

Edit: 1 thumb

Today I went to the doctor and he gave me two thumbs up.

I have to find a different proctologist.

Who has two thumbs and wears a mask?

Disguise!

A five year old boy won't stop sucking his thumb...

His mother has tried everything: gloves on his hands, bad-tasting glaze on his fingernails, rewards charts, etc., but somehow or another her son would always end up with his thumb back in his mouth.

Finally, after many exasperating months, the mother bursts out with, "Listen, son: Every time ...

What has two fat thumbs and difficulty typing?

Rgua fyt!!

Did you hear the one about the Senator who won his election despite not having thumbs?

He ran unopposed.

The hells angels are riding....

On January 13th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, California bikers were riding along Colorado Street in Pasadena when they saw a girl about to jump off Pasadena's Suicide Bridge. So they stopped.
John, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Crocodile.

A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, ...

What's got two thumbs and can't figure out the difference between a string and an array?

[
0 => "T"
1 => "h"
2 => "i"
3 => "s"
4 => " "
5 => "g"
6 => "u"
7 => "y"
8 => "!"
]

"Who's got two thumbs and finds this joke funny?"

"Not this guy!"
-Thumb amputee victim

What's got 2 thumbs and is worse than Donald Trump?

No, seriously. I'm asking.

What has two thumbs and got laid last night?

My hands.

I was driving along when I saw these two blokes by the road sticking their thumbs out at me.

I didn't stop to talk, but it's nice to be complimented on my driving.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A soldier was wounded in Viet Nam

and his right leg was badly damaged by shrapnel. The medics were able to save it but the vet would always walk with a pronounced limp. He would often get together with his old army buddies, many of whom were similarly wounded.

Many years later the vet is taking a walk down the street and ...

My proctologist was very happy with my prostate check results.

Two thumbs up.

Two good old boys are out fishing, when a cruise boat with beautiful women appears.

Seeing the beautiful women, all in bikinis, one of them asks, “what should we do?” The others thinks upon it for a bit until he has an idea.

“Hey,” he says, “show them gals your nuts”

“Really?” asks his freind.

“Really” his freind responds.

At which point the buddy g...

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

[Long] First time buying condoms

When I was 16 years old, I bought my first pack of condoms. I was very nervous as I walked up to the pharmacists. She asked if it was my first time buying condoms. I told her it was.

"Do you know how it works or should I show you?" she asked

"I would like a demonstration", I replied....

I met my new doctor who specializes in deformed hands.

It was a very positive experience, so I would give him three thumbs up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Soldiers Walk Into A Bar...

It’s the height of the Vietnam War, and deep in the jungles U.S. Army Privates Chip and Dan have just been promoted to Sergeants.

Now Chip hasn’t always been the brightest bulb, and he’s been known to need some time to process big changes.

As Chip and Dan are doing their rounds one aft...

My favorite clean joke - the Old Man and the Ferrari

A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO. After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at ...

After I got divorced, my former wife told me about a movie she gave 2 thumbs up that I should definitely take the kids to see.

I told her, "That wouldn't be appropriate. That movie is ex-rated"

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