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My therapist tells me to use the term "breather" instead of "timeout" when disciplining my children, it has worked wonders...

"GO TO YOUR ROOM AND TAKE A FUCKING BREATHER!"

What cut of steak does a fire breather prefer?

Flaming yawn

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If you see someone wearing a mask below their nose, don't worry about it.

They're a fucking mouth breather anyway, covering their nose won't add any more protection.

Despite CDC guidelines, there's no reason to worry about people not covering their noses with their masks.

They're mouth-breathers anyway.

The people who wear their masks below their nose actually makes sense...

They're just dumb mouth breathers

A boy sees a beautiful girl across the street.

After they hit it off, he goes home and excitedly tells his dad the news.

“Dad, I just got to know this amazing girl across the street! She lives really close by and her name is Jenna. I really like her!”

The father winces and looks at him. “Son, I’m sorry to tell you this, but Jenna i...

I don't understand why it's important that everyone wears facemasks the proper way.

Those who don't cover their noses are mouth-breathers anyways.

I get why Karen’s hate wearing face masks

Because they make mouth breathers smell their own breath

I get why a lot of people don’t properly wear masks over their noses

It’s because they’re mouth breathers

Why don’t Karens wear masks?

Because they are mouth-breathers.

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My friends and I get bullied a lot

I was at school, going to the lunchroom with my friends- James (he has Parkinson's Disease), Alex (he's mute), Megan (she's completely blind in both eyes), Abby (she has asthma) and Hayley (she's albino). I myself am paralyzed from the waist down and so I need to use a wheelchair. Since my friends a...

"When out of ammunition, just hold your hand as if you were holding a gun, and say 'bang bang'"

It was just before a critical offensive, and the troops were being issued their weapons. Lenski was last in line, and they handed out the last rifle to the man in front of him. Furious, Lenski shouted, “Hey, what about my gun?”
“Listen, bud,” advised the munitions officer, “just keep your hands o...

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Books Never Written

Hey guys, don't know if you're familiar with these kind of jokes, but they were my favorite growing up, so I thought I'd post a bunch of the here. They're pretty corny, but I hope you enjoy!

*Take A Breather* by Justin Hale

*How to Become Famous* by Anonymous

*Living Long* by Di...

"I'm NOT a window cleaner!"

(Inspired by IT crowd)

One gloomy day in London a man by the name of Roy walks in a park, taking a short break from his job in an IT department. Suprisingly, he runs into an old school friend named Alister during his walk, and they catch up. Alister is a local writer for a very famous publish...

A college guy meets a hot chick at a frat party

They end up in her dorm knocking boots; he’s living every freshmans dream! After a breather, he notices the girl has tears in her eyes. He asks her what’s up and she says “I haven’t been truthful to you; I was raised as Christian” he shrugs. “ so? College life’s about experimenting and finding yours...

Two hunters walk into the woods....

One of them trips over, he's not breathing and his eyes have rolled back into their sockets. The other hunter whips out his phone and calls emergency services. The lady on the line asks what's wrong.

"Help, help! I think my friend is dead!"says the hunter.

"Calm down, take a breather, ...

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When I was 10

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumb...

A man named Walter is running in a race

and he's first. He's miles in front, and he's ran 3/4 of the race so he decides that now would be a good time to take a breather. Whilst he's taking his breather, he starts reflecting on all the races he's ran in. "I love the crowds at the end of races but most of the time, they're awful" he thought...

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