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A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead."

He shakes his head and thinks "I must have read that wrong."

He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It's Miraculous!"

He decides he has to see this so he pull...

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I’ll never forget my grandpas last words.

Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!

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The three words men hate to hear the most during sex.

'Are you in?'

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I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Cats can learn up to 50 different words and commands

They just don't want to

does anyone know any good sword-fighting puns? I'm trying to think of words that have...

...a duel meaning.

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

[LONG]

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head mo...

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you don’t notice.

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

Words cannot describe your beauty!...

But numbers can. 3 out of 10.

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When you say the word "poop" your mouth makes the same shape as when you do the action.

The same is true for the words "explosive diherrea"

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand, just so that I can appear more

Photosynthesis

Did you know there are many different words for lungs?

I just can't remember them because I have bad lung term memory

Most common Last words before death

1. throw me that grenade, i know how to deal with it.
2. it‘s 100% safe!
3. green is always grounding.
4. turn left, I know it there.
5. I slept with your sister.
6. it‘s ok, dogs loves me.
7. oh, they changed color of my pills.
8. Somebody forgot his suitcase.
9. let‘s have ...

How do the magic words “E ma Geht TS olt su juo Y” make a Redditor groan?

Read it backwards to find out.

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What does my penis and words have in common?

My wife hates when I put either in her mouth.

Edit - wife was mom. Same same but different.

My grandfather's last words before he kicked the bucket.

He said

"Watch how far I can kick this bucket!"

To sound wise reverse the words...

To sound words, reverse the wise.

What four words can completely destroy a man's confidence?

Is it in yet?

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

I ordered a Thesaurus recently, when it arrived all the pages were blank

I have no words to describe my anger

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Did you know that you can substitute the letter U for a vowel into certain words and it would be pronounced almost the same? For example: replace the E in perk or jerk, the O in work, the I in shirk or Kirk...

And according to my girlfriend, the E in sex!

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For my birthday I got the words “I love you” tattooed on my Dick

My wife said

Stop trying to put words in my mouth!

I'm writing a book about words I don't know

I haven't come up with a title yet.

What's two words you never hear in Texas?

Nice yard.

Twenty years ago...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a...

The word “studying” comes from the words

Students Dying

A poor cowboy needs a horse.

He buys the only horse he could afford, one that has its commands messed up.

"He'll go when you say 'whoa!' and stop when you say 'giddy up!'" instructs the seller.

The cowboy sets off riding the horse, feeling silly for saying 'whoa'. As he rides further, he sees an upcoming cliff. He...

Scott Morrison was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Morrison if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing' in the field and a tractor runs o...

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The former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.


"You need to use \`big people' words," she'd always remind them.


She then asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.


"I went to visit my Nana."


"No, you went to v...

I used to believe that sticks and stones could break my bones, but words could never hurt me.

But then I got smacked with a dictionary.

Three words to ruin a man's ego

Is it in?

A young Taiwanese boy asks his father a question:

(some things don't translate super well, I'll try my best)

He asks: "Dad, I heard some strange words at school today, and I don't know what they mean."

His dad responds, "Hmm... Tell me what they are. I'll try to explain them as best I can."

The boy asks the following: "What's '...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement

whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become...

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My parrot died today…

His last words were

“Fuck, I think my parrot is about to die”

Been married 30 years and I always have the last words when arguing with my wife

“Yes, Honey.”

What are the two most disruptive words you can say on stage at a political rally?

"Hey Siri"

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