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Words Jokes

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How do you piss off a millennial in four words?

You lost The Game.

Russian history in 5 words:

"And then things got worse."

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words before he died.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

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I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

76% of people don’t know opposite words for the following:

1) Always 2) Coming 3) From 4) Take 5) Me 6) Down

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What are the three words you never want to hear while having sex?

"Honey, I'm home!"

Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.

Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.

Charlie: When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail.

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

Lazy

Three words that will most certainly ruin a man's ego

"... are you in?"

For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted

I heard my son say his first words to me today...

"where have you been the last 20 years?"

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Why did the US take the "u" out of words like "colour" and "honour"?

Because, fuck you, that's why

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

[LONG]

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head mo...

Husband: "Scientists have found that men say about 10,000 words a day, while women say about 20,000..."

Wife (shouts from the kitchen): "It's because we have to repeat everything twice to you blockheads!"

Husband: "What?"

It's incredible how many French words are now used in the English language

There's 'Hors D'oeuvres' for starters.

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I’ll never forget my grandpas last words.

Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!

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Man, I still remember my grandpa's last words...

"Stop playing with that shotgun you little fucking cunt."

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I..

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

What was Johann Sebastian Bach’s last words?

I’ll be Bach

Why do The Brit’s still use ‘u’ in words like “colour” and “armour”?

Because Rick Astley is British.

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

What’s the worst three little words a man can hear from a woman?

Is it in ?

I remember my dad's last words before kicking the bucket

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

The teacher asked little Johnny if he could write a song using the words “analyze” and “anatomy”

This was Johnny’s response:

My analyze over the ocean
My analyze over the sea
My analyze over the ocean
Oh bring back my anatomy!

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A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead."

He shakes his head and thinks "I must have read that wrong."

He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It's Miraculous!"

He decides he has to see this so he pull...

Do you know any words that end in AT?

Man 2: Gnat does.
Man 1: what does?
Man 2: yeah, what ends in AT.

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Grown-up words.

A primary one teacher was speaking to her class on the first day of term.

>"Alright class, I'd like everyone to tell me what they did over the summer holiday. Remember, you're not at nursery any more, so you need to use grown-up words now. Jamie, you go first."

So Jamie excitedly s...

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I never forget my sons first words...

"Where the fuck have you been for 16 years"

Words can't describe how beautiful you are...

But numbers can.

2/10

What are four words you DEFINITELY do not want to hear?

"Hi. I'm Chris Wallace."

Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were

I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you MedellĂ­n kids

A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...

Police: Turn around.

Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round...

Police: TURN AROUND!!

Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!

Nine Words

Once upon a time, long before any type of writing or sign language there lived an attractive young prince.

This prince, through no fault of his own, was cursed by a witch such that he was only allowed to say one word per year.

Fortunately, however, he WAS allowed to save up his words.<...

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Everybody knows there are words only black people can say, but what can only white people say?

"Thanks for the warning, officer."

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Given the words 'wife', 'odds', 'egg', and 'blowjob' which one doesn't fit the category?

Ans: (First, change the above term "wife" to "traffic" so that the good people are happy.) Blowjob. You can beat an egg, you can beat the odds, you can beat the traffic, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Words in a dictionary were having a fight

'Honest' says, "My H is silent". 'Tsunami' says, "My T is silent". 'Island' says, "My S is silent".
'Queue' says, "Hold my beer stupids".

I'm going to describe myself in three words:

1. Lazy
2.
3.

A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar.

No joke.

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Three words

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous sexy young woman entered.

She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly towards him.

Before he ...

"Cell" and its derivatives (Cellular, Cellulose, Cellulite, etc.) are the only English words where the C is pronounced like an S.

At least, I'm pretty certain.

The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.

What are the magic words you say to get what you want?

I'm offended

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.

Who was that?

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Describe your sex life in two words.

"My what?"

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I still remember my dad’s last words before he died…

He said: “I’ll pass.”

What were the last words spoken at the Last Supper?

"All right- everybody who wants in the picture, get on this side of the table!"

I like big words and I cannot

prevaricate.

There are three words to make a man hit rock bottom.

“Is it in?”

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words before he kicked the bucket.

'How far do you reckon I can kick this bucket?'

(Not so) famous last words…

Col. Arrow Gant: Ha, at this range they couldn’t hit an ele….

Start Trek Unnamed Ensign: Hey Wesley, look at this cute little…

Me: Honey, what do you think of this vegetable slicer for your Mother’s Day gift…

What would a sous chef's last words be?

"I wish I had more thyme"

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