This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' confused

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'll never forget the last words my uncle said to me before he passed...

"Stop shaking the ladder, you little shit!"

The interviewer asked me, “Describe yourself in three words.”

“Lazy.”

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What three words do people dread hearing the most during sex?

"Honey, I'm home!"

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

What were dinosaur's last words?

"Ayo these don't look like shooting stars. "

My friend's dad just died and his last words were "Be positive"

We could have saved him if we knew his blood type

My wife and I are making some artwork in the name of our favourite Bon Jovi song. So far we have the words "Livin' on".

We're half way there.

Did you know most people don't know the opposite to these words?

1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

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I like to masturbate long words in my sentences.

Even if I don't know what they mean.

My wife has just given me a book with all the words that I'm not supposed to use when we argue....

It's called a dictionary.

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There are three English football clubs with curse words in their name.

Arsenal FC, Scunthorpe United, and Fucking Manchester United.

My nephew's first words were, "I'm a firestarter".

He was a child prodigy.

My Grandfather saw the Titanic. He shouted loudly to all within earshot "that ship is going to sink!". He was ignored. But he kept it up "Mark my words. That ship will sink on her maiden voyage!"

Eventually the ushers threw him out of the theater.

Her: "Undress me with your words."

Me: "I saw a spider in your bra."

Star Wars names are just regular words if you put a random space somewhere:

Mos Quito

Que Sadilla

Scu Bagear

Syn Tax

Rev Erse

Mala Mute

Trypto Phan

Cano Nical

Impo Tent

Slee Papnea

They say “cellar door” is the prettiest combination of words in the English language,

Unless you live in Boston.

Use 3 words to describe your vocabulary

Limited

I'll never forget my Uncles last words on his death bed

"I am your Father"

Still doing the Star Wars impressions right to the end.

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Rearrange these letters to from words

1.pneis
2.buttsxe

Did u get *spine* and *subtext*

yeah neither did i

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Some people say there’s no difference but there is.


When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE!


When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED!


And if you marry a wife like mine who likes shopping, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!

What are the three shortest words in the english language to describe the shortest thing in the human body?

Is it in?

Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

Words from the mathematician's Bible

And the Lord spoke to the animals, and he said "Go forth and multiply!"

The snakes came up to him and said "Oh Lord, forgive us, but we cannot fulfill your commandment, we cannot multiply, for we are adders".

"Go and cut down the trees and build furniture out of them", said the Lord, "...

the boss called me to his office to talk about my frequent use of the n word

some people wont take no for an answer

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The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.

First Pupil: "I visited my Nana." Teacher: "Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother."

Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo." Teacher: "Please, you had a ride on a train."

Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time." Teacher: "Excellent. And what was...

Student: Are “well” and “actually” both single-syllable words?

Teacher: Well yes , but actually no

I still remember my father's last words before he kicked the bucket.

"Hey son, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

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A painting of Custers last words

Two guys in a museum are looking at the same painting. One says to the other,
“what does that mean?” Refereeing to the painting in front of them showing underbrush, in the desert, with Indians copulating behind a bush. Top of painting showing Jesus on the cross.

“Its custards last words”...

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A Man Joins A Monastery, And Takes A Vow Of Silence, Only Allowed To Say Two Words Every Christmas

Every day, they grow their own food and maintain the monastery, all while silently praying.

On the first Christmas, he goes to the abbot and says, "Food's cold." The abbot nods and blesses him.

On the second Christmas, he tells the abbot, "Work's hard." The abbot nods and blesses him....

A man stepped on a pufferfish and said his last words

Wow, this blew up!

Describe failure in two words?

I can't.

For my chemistry homework, I was supposed to write a thousand words on acid.

I tried, but my pen turned into a rainbow-coloured giraffe and then the desk melted.

My 10 year old Son just came up with this one and I couldn't be more proud: What's Batman's favourite fruit?

A Banananananananananananananananana

EDIT: Thank you everyone for the awards and kind words! Just to clarify:

* Yes, he does know the 60's batman theme. My partner loves campy batman so it was inevitable. [The Simpsons](https://youtu.be/TQepz5rsS6E?t=88) also made sure of that.
* Gi...

Entire Russian history in five words

Russian history in five words: "And then things got worse."

If I had to describe myself in 3 words

It'd be 'not very good at maths'

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