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I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you don’t notice.

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

[LONG]

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head mo...

What four words can completely destroy a man's confidence?

Is it in yet?

I'm writing a book about words I don't know

I haven't come up with a title yet.

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For my birthday I got the words “I love you” tattooed on my Dick

My wife said

Stop trying to put words in my mouth!

Words cant describe how beautiful you are....

but numbers can, 1/10.

I'll never forget my granddad's last word to me just before he died

the words where: JIMMY ARE U STILL HOLDING THE LADDERS

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

Scott Morrison was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Morrison if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing' in the field and a tractor runs o...

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My parrot died today…

His last words were

“Fuck, I think my parrot is about to die”

Been married 30 years and I always have the last words when arguing with my wife

“Yes, Honey.”

I used to believe that sticks and stones could break my bones, but words could never hurt me.

But then I got smacked with a dictionary.

What are the two most disruptive words you can say on stage at a political rally?

"Hey Siri"

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I'll never forget my Grandfather's last words

'Stop shaking the ladder ya little bastard'

Interviewer: Describe yourself in 3 words

Not good at counting

Three words to ruin a man's ego

Is it in?

Robin Hood's last words

As Robin Hood lie dying, his loved ones and merry men, not so merry now, gathered round. With faltering, hesitant breathes, he calls for his bow and an arrow.

"This bow," he says, "has saved my life, kept me fed, brought peace to our land. I will fire it one last time and beg only that I be b...

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A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

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A teacher asked a white student, a black student and a Mexican student to use the words "cheese" and "liver" in a sentence

The white kid answered, "My mom made liver and cheese for dinner".

The teacher said that was very good.

The black kid said, "I would never eat cheese on liver, that is gross."

The teacher said that was very good.

The Mexican kid says if some dude tried to step to my girl ...

I’ve been challenged to make a play on words with the word for a whole bunch of peaches in a basket.

Try as I might though, I just can’t punnet.

I saw my girlfriend naked for the first time and genuinely loved it. (Nsfw)

Although saying "This was a lot to take in" wasn't the right choice of words.

A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a few words?"

"No, go right ahead", the woman replies.

The man stands up, clears his throat, and says "being alive", and sits back down.

"Thanks", the woman says, "he would have liked that".

play on words joke

Me: what is your favorite month

My friend: july

Me: why july



MY Friend: I didn't lie

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English is my first language (50+ years) and I still get confused on how to use some words. For example:

Is it *buttcheeks* or *butt cheeks?*

Are they together or spread apart?

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I like to masturbate long words into my sentences.

Even if I don’t know what they mean.

I still remember my fathers last words...."you selfish boy"

So i became a fishmonger, to follow his dying wish.

I always remember my dads last words

"HIT THE BRAKES SON!!!!"

"Hey, can you explain Gorgia in 3 words?"

No I cannot

I got a new plant that survives on water and learning new words...

It's cool and all, but I had to install a hydro-phonics system.

My teacher asked my to make up a sentence using the words defence, defeat and detail

When a horse jumps over defence defeat go first then detail.

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please list...

I got four words for you buddy

I don’t understand how numbers work

A prisoner got killed by words

He got a death sentence.

What are four words you never want to hear when you go pick up your date at her house?

"Hi, I'm Chris Hansen."

What is a redneck's last words?

“Hold my beer and watch this!”

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While struggling to put on the condom, I whispered some words of encouragement to myself.

"Hey," intervened the woman, "would you like me to make this easier for you?"

"Yes, please," I smiled.

"OK then," she added, sighing. "I don't want to have sex with you any more."

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

What are the three shortest words in the English Language?

“Is it in?”

John decides to take a different route to office and on the way spots an old guy sitting next to an open pothole shouting loudly at it. As he approaches the old guy he realises the old guy is shouting the words 'TWENTY SEVEN' at the open pothole, almost as if expecting someone to respond from below

He drives past him, goes to office but then while he's returning he sees the old man again, still shouting. Taking pity, he parks his car, goes up to the old guy, and sits next to him, 'Hey buddy... You okay?'
The old man says nothing, just points at the pothole and whimpers.. 'Twenty... Seven'. ...

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