I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...

"It’s cutting hedge technology!"

When asked what a drawbridge is, I always shrug.

I think it's a defence mechanism.

Stuttering Bible Salesman

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who wo...

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s disc...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

Why did Atlas shrug?

He had Earthritus.

The prisoner pleaded, "I'm sorry I tried to escape!" The guard shrugged and sighed, "I'm not mad, just disappointed." Remember kids...

...never let your guard down.

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A jew, a black guy and a redneck are stranded on a desert island.

A jew, a black guy and a redneck are stranded on a desert island. They've been there for a few weeks, they're running out of food and their signal fire was extinguished by a freak storm.

Then one day, the jew returns to the others from scavenging and takes the various things he found out of a...

A businessman turned to a colleague and asked, "So, how many people work at your office?" His friend shrugged and replied,

"Oh about half of them."

My roommate: "What's a shrug?"

Me: *shrugs*

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A Chinese general, an American Officer, and a random drunk asshole sit down in a bar and start to brag.

"If all our bombers were to be airborne at once," says the American, "you wouldn't be able to see any part of the sky".

"Hah" boasts the Chinese General, "if all our soldiers were to march at once, you wouldn't be able to see an inch of the ground."

The situation grows tense, and the d...

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There was a man that bought a new pair of boots.

He was so proud of them, when he got home he walked up to his wife and said "notice any thing different?" she looked him over and just shrugged her shoulders. Mad as hell he stormed into the bathroom to admire them in the tall mirror, then took off every stitch of clothing bar the new boots. Butt na...

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Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting... [warning: offensive!]

\[I once killed a party with this joke. You have been warned!\]

Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting.

The first mother puts down her knitting, picks up her handbag, pulls out a bottle of pills, takes one, then resumes knitting. She sees the other two mot...

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You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*"...do not step on the purple flower..."*
and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
...

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.”

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”

Three ducks walk into a pub

One rainy afternoon three ducks walk into a pub, waddle over to the bar and each jump up to sit on a stool. Having never seen this before, the bartender shrugged his shoulders and walked over to the ducks to take their order.

He approached the first one and said "Hi, how is it going today?". ...

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A farmer was out by his barn, repairing a fence.

A young hen came near him, pecking at the ground. He was surprised when he thought he heard a “psst”. The farm looked around and saw no one, so he continued his work.

Then he heard it, clear as day. “Hey. Down here.”

The farmer looked down and saw the hen looking at him.

“Did y...

God boomed, "Adam, this is Eve!! You are to love her forever!" Adam replied, "Okay, but who is he?" God shrugged and muttered...

"Oh, that's Keith Richards. He was here when I got here."

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The Hamster and the Frog

A shabby-looking man walks into an upscale bar full of businessmen and orders a Scotch. The bartender looks him over and says, "Sir, I don't believe you can afford the drinks at this establishment. May I ask that you go somewhere else?"
The man shrugs his shoulders and says, "You're right. I do...

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A man goes to a store and gets a redbull.

He buys one can of redbull, goes to the fifth floor, and chugs it before he jumps out the window.

5 minutes later, he comes into the store again, buys a can of redbull and drinks it, and jumps out the fifth floor again.

He does this on repeat for half an hour, until a man notices and ...

Moses, Jesus and an old man were playing golf.

Moses swings and the ball rolls towards a river. The river splits and the ball goes through. Hole in one.

Jesus shrugs, and hits the ball straight onto the river. It rolls straight over. Hole in one.

The old man smiles and hits the ball into the river. A fish swallows the ball, an eagl...

A guy walks into a bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

A couple of minutes later, he hears a disembodied voice say “Nice shirt.” He looks around, but there’s no one nearby that could’ve said it.

Confused, he shrugs it off. A few moments later, he hears the same voice, “I like your tie, too.” He quickly looks around. No one is even near him.
...

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The dress of love

A young woman is about to get married and wants to make her first night with her husband to be as special as possible. While she is wedding planning with her mother, aunt and grandma she decides to ask them what she should do during the wedding night to get her husband really going. Her mom goes fir...

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I was driving along at 70mph when this motorbike pulled up alongside me and the rider gestured at me to roll the window down

so I did, and he leaned his entire head and shoulders into my car, he's got a cigarette between his lips and he says "Hey mate, could you give us a light?"

"Are you trying to fucking kill yourself?!" I screamed.

He shrugged at me. "It's all right, I'm down to ten a day now."

I have been asking everyone what a shrug means..

But donno why nobody has a clue..

A group of moles are hibernating for the winter in a burrow by a small farm on the countryside

One morning, one of the moles pops his head out of the hole.

“I smell maple syrup in the air!” Says the mole, “every start of spring the farmer’s wife cooks pancakes. It’s time for us to leave!”

The mole leaves the burrow. And a second mole sticks his head out.

“He’s onto someth...

Dave is a good worker

Dave is a good worker, social and nice, but he keeps missing all company events. Eventually, his boss calls him to his office demanding an explanation why Dave can't be a team player and come.

"I'm sorry Boss," said Dave, "I'm just so busy with all the people I already know, sometimes it see...

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A man was taken to court by several people for spreading scandalous rumors about their sex lives

The judge asked the man, "Do you have anything to say in your defense?"

"Well your honor," responded the man. "I grew up on a very small land mass in the ocean and its just a part of our culture."

Not satisfied, the judge asked, "What culture could you possibly belong to that would lea...

Three men are waiting in front of the gates to heaven...

God comes to the first man and asks him how many times have you cheated on your wife? The man says “never would I cheat on my wife. I love her very much”. God looks at him for a second and says “ahh you can’t fool me, I’m god! You’ve cheated on her 10 times! As your punishment, you will have to d...

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A man is being released from a US hospital.

As he is being escorted out by a nurse, he passes by a patient’s room with the door open and sees that the male patient is masturbating furiously. Confused, he turns to the nurse and asks, “what the hell is going on here?!” The nurse replies, “you see, this man has a serious condition where if he do...

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded withi...

As we were heading through the grocery store checkout, my wife looked over at the candy and said, "Oh, Mentos! Let's get some!" I shrugged and said, "I already have Mentos." Puzzled, she asked, "Really? Where?"

"On my men feet!"

Two ex-cons talk to each other. The younger one says: "I was in for drugs. What did you do?"

The older man answers: "I was jailed for something I didn't do."

The young guy, intrigued, asks: "What was that? Did they set you up?"

The older shrugs: "Nah, I just didn't run fast enough."

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

My boss came to me at lunch,

Where the hell have you been? I've been trying to find you all morning!"


I shrugged and said, "Good employees are hard to find!"

A man is walking through the woods and comes across a talking frog ...

"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a princess," the frog tells him.

The man picks the frog up and puts her in his pocket.

"Wait, wait, aren't you going to kiss me?" asks the frog. "I'm a princess!"

The man shrugs. "I'd rather have a talking frog."

For years, I've suspected my wife of adding soil to my garden and when I asked her about it, she just giggled and shrugged...

The plot thickens...

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An ensign was spending his first few days aboard a submarine learning his duties and a litany of regulations.

His job was unusual, but simple; tend a pair of oxen in a miniature field on deck 7. The purpose of this agricultural endeavor was to see if crops might one day be grown inside a spaceship; a submarine was an adequate stand in.

He had never driven cattle before, but in short order, he got th...

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Now we know where little Johnny got it from

When little Johnny was 8 years old, he asked his father if he could have a bb gun. His father looked him in the eyes, and asked him; "I don't know son, does your dick reach your asshole?"
Little Johnny ran to the bathroom to check, only to come back disappointed.

"No sir"

"Well, th...

[Long] I was working the register of a pharmacy when a woman came up to me asking for breath mints.

I pointed her to the candy aisle and told her they were about halfway down on the left.

She said that she'd been down there already, and that all of the mints had loads of sugar in them, and if she them they'd make her hyper and overly excited.

I had never heard of anyone getting too e...

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Having a bad day and need your spare funny NSFW jokes. Help me Reddi-wan your my only joke!

So this cowboy goes out riding. Gets captured by natives and is told that now is a holy time so he may live in their camp for 3 days while the holy time comes to a close. The cowboy agrees (like he had a choice)

First day he askes his guard if he can go talk to his horse. The guard wants to k...

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The head of an organized crime syndicate realized his accountant had been skimming money from him for years.

Unfortunately the accountant only spoke Russian. So the boss hired a Russian interpreter and busted into the accountant’s home.

He tells to the interpreter, “tell him I want to know where my money is, AND I WANT TO KNOW RIGHT NOW!!” The interpreter conveys the message in Russian and the acco...

A woman is in hospital having an operation when she has a vision of God. She asks God how long she has left to live, and God tells her she has 30 years left.

Upon waking from surgery, the woman considers the next 30 years, and decides to make some changes. So she books herself a tummy tuck, face lift, liposuction, fillers etc. You name it, she had it done.

After being released from hospital, and feeling glamorous, the woman sashays across the road...

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An old holocaust survivor dies and gets into heaven

He seeks out God and asks him: "Hey God, I've heard this really funny joke on earth. Do you want to hear it?"

God smiles serenly and answers: "Yes, my son, please tell it to me."

The jew grins and says: "How do you get the number of a girl in Auschwitz? You look on her arm!"

God...

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The Bull Fight!

A traveling business man is staying at a hotel in spain for a few nights. He goes down to the hotel's restaurant and tells the waiter to surprise him. So, the waiter brings out this huge plate of spaghetti with two huge meat balls on top.

The business man loved the dish and asked what kind of...

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Peking duck

A man walks into a restaurant and orders Peking duck. He says, “I’m very particular so make sure it’s from Peking.”

About 20 minutes later the waiter returns and places a beautiful, succulent, roasted duck on his table. The man smiles, sticks his index finger in the air, twirls it around seve...

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A boy and a girl are in the showers together.

The boy gestures smugly to his penis and says “hey I bet you wish you had one of these”.

The girl shrugs and points to her vagina. “My mom says that because I have one of these I can have as many of those as I want.”

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A young man and a young woman are fooling around when the young woman starts to feel a little more kinky than usual and asks the guy to use his toe on her.

The young man shrugs and decides, Why not? and then proceeds to pleasure his girlfriend with his big toe.

The next day the young man wakes up and notices that the flesh of his toe is sore and a little pink and tender. He ignores it, but after a few days decides to go see his doctor when the s...

A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around.

Suddenly, he gazes upon the most beautiful bronze statue of a siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $100 for the statue and $1000 for the story that goes with it."

The man replies "I really don't care about the story, but I do wa...

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The Anticlimactic Lager (oj)

(*I just made up this joke, it takes a bit of patience but let me know if it's worth it. Either way, keep smiling!*)

Michael was a rich, eccentric and naive beer enthusiast. He journeyed around the world in search of rare lagers.

Once, on a trip to India, he came across a small bar. Be...

Mac‘n‘cheese

Two men are lost in a desert. They have been walking for days and are absolutely famished. All of a sudden they come across a human corpse lying there.

After some quick thinking the first guy has an idea: „Lets open his stomach, there‘s probably some food in there!“

So he does.. As h...

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After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.

He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”

The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and ask...

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A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ...

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, “Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are calle...

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Two nuns are painting in a convent, and decide to paint completely nude so they do not ruin their new robes. While they are painting, there is a knock at the door. One of the nuns asks, "Who is it?" A voice responds, "Blind man." The nuns look at each other, shrugging as they call him in.

"Nice tits, sister," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon....

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The dist...

A man asks his neighbour if it’s ok to pet his dog

“Yea he’s a sweetheart, never bit a soul in his life, of course you can!” Says the neighbour

The man pats the dog and the dog bites his hand

“I thought you said your dog is a sweetheart and doesn’t bite!” Exclaims the man

The neighbour looks at him shrugging and says
“Yes...

One day I was on vacation...

and I left the hotel to go grab dinner. I was walking along the sidewalk downtown and I see three people standing outside of an unmarked building. So, being the usual tourist, I go up to them and I ask them what they are waiting for.

One guy turns around and says, "Hey, this guy in the store...

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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulder...

Train passes a flock of sheep

Passenger says to his friend, “wonder how many sheep there are.”

His friend takes a quick gander, shrugs, and remarks, “Looks like 82.”

“What? How do you know that??”

“Easy. I counted their legs and divided by 4.”

I did some shrugs in the gym.

After someone asked me, "What are you doing here?"

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

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A chicken walks into a library...

The librarian lifts their gaze with a mixture of curiosity and surprise as the bird hops onto the counter. It tilts its head and, with an air of demand, clucks:

"Book!"

The librarian is taken aback at this odd display. The chicken impatiently taps one foot on the counter.

"Book,...

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 beers

The bartender doesn’t say anything and gives him his three beers,the man drinks all three and leaves

This goes on for a couple weeks and eventually the bartender gets curious enough to ask.

He says “Why do always buy three beers at once ?”

The man says to the bartender “ Back in...

A man is in the middle of his eye exam.

It seems to be going well until the doctor asks him to cover one eye and read words off a board.

The doctor asks, “What does this say?”

The man says, “That’s easy enough. I.”

The doctor points at the next line.

“That says Am.”

The doctor points at the next line, an...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice, but he can’t tell where it’s coming from.

"Hey, mister! I like your tie!" it says.

He looks around, but he doesn’t see anything, and decides to shrug it off. After a little bit, he takes anot...

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Two lawyers walk into a restaurant.

They put their briefcases on the floor and order two coffees. They get their coffee and pull out lunches from their briefcases.

"Sorry," the waitress says, "You can`t eat your own food here."

The lawyers look at one another, shrug their shoulders and swap sandwiches.

A man decides to raise chickens.

So he drives to the next farm and buys 50 chicks there.

After a month the man goes to the farmer again and buys another 50 chicks.

When the man shows up at the farmer again in the third month, the farmer asks him whether the chicken rearing is successful or not.

The man just shr...

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This big ol' grizzly bear walks up to the bar and orders s drink.

The bartender says "We don't serve wild animals."

Furious at this, the bear loses his cool, starts roaring and raging, knocking people and tables over. In his fury, he picks up an old woman and eats her down in one bite. Crunch.

Now, a bit sedated, he returns to the bar and says "Come ...

So, apple, lemon, and pea escape from the refrigerator..

Happy to be free from their prison, they go to a bar to celebrate. Many bars later, they're all tipsy at best when they come across a hill.

Pea, being a energetic drunk, gets super excited saying, "Hey! Let's roll down the hill! Come on!" And before the other two object he launches hims...

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Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.


"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

Weather Journalist

A film crew was on a location deep in the Arizona desert. One day an old Red Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain".

The next day it rained. A week later, the red Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm".

The next day there was a hailstorm.

"Th...

The Pope is visiting America

The Pope is visiting America and is being driven around in a limousine. He strikes up a conversation with his chauffeur and says “Did you know that when you become Pope, they don’t let you drive anymore?”
The chauffeur shrugs and the Pope continues, “I really miss being able to drive. Do you thin...

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Tom suffers from severe constipation.

After years of searching around and trying every method and medication under the sun, he finally finds the only medicine that works.

One day, he goes to his doctor to get his prescription.

"I can't give it to you, sorry," says the good doctor.

So Tom runs around the city checkin...

An older man sees a sign saying "Free Shaves! Closest you'll ever get!"

The old man walks into the barber shop and goes to the counter.

"Free shaves eh? And you claim that they are close? All these wrinkles make it impossible for me to get a close one."

The barber smiles and hands him a wooden ball, and guides him over to the barber chair.

"Put ...

Husband and wife are putting up Holiday decorations

when husband offers to hang the wreath. “But sweetums, you are inept and you have no tools,” says the wife. Husband shrugs and goes to Lowe’s to buy a hammer. He walks past a display for the new, Elf Steam Multi-Tool. The marketing was brilliant and it had a drill, three saws, and a sander - all wor...

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“I don’t know, but...”

Joe walks into a bathroom. He walks up to a urinal and unzips his pants when he hears “Psst.. buddy. Can you help a guy out?” Joe looks over and sees a man standing a couple urinals down. “Uh.. what?” inquires Joe. “Buddy, I need help unzipping my fly,” responds the man, who upon saying so nods his ...

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A man dies, and is sent to hell.

He meets up with the Devil and the Devil says “you know what, I’m feeling generous today. I’ll let you pick out your punishment. There are three doors here, and you must choose one. Since I’m feeling extra nice, I’ll let you see them first.”

The man goes up to door number one and sees a naked...

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Irish exchange student

I was volunteering in my sons 1st grade class. During their vocabulary session the teacher begins her lesson with the word Contagious.

So the teacher asks, “can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?”

And of course, there is a little girl in the front who raises her hand. “The ...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey

When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just w...

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A Captain in the Foreign Legion

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long w...

A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption...

She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East.

Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have bee...

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Three Brooklynites Are Invited To A Party...

The theme for this party is "Dress Like an Emotion." The first guy is wearing a pear costume. The second guy is wearing a dress. And the third guy is butt-naked except for a custard pie around his pecker.

They ring the doorbell. The host opens the door, sizes them up, and says "You guys aren'...

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A man is sitting at a bar...

He has been there for three hours just nursing a beer with a shit eating grin on his face. The bartender (after noticing this man has purchased nothing more) walks up to him and says "Dude. You've been here forever with that warm beer, and that dumb smile. What the hell are you so happy about?" ...

Yesterday I was having a talk with my friend and he said, "I had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end."

Half shocked and half impressed I said, "Wow – that’s really impressive! What did she say?!"

My friend shrugged and replied, "Come out from under that sofa, you filthy coward!"

Nate the Snake (Long)

There once was an island in the middle of the ocean, shaped somewhat like a dog bone, with two populated ends separated by a long narrow strip of land with a highway connecting the two ends of the island.

Oddly enough, the entire island was held up from sinking into the ocean by a big lever,...

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A guy walks into a brothel and ask that the three most requested girls are brought in front of him(long)

A beautiful blond, brunette and a red head now stand before him, yet he simply can't decide who to pick. The man turns to the blond and ask. "Why are you so popular with the customers?"

She smiles an replies "You may not believe this, but when I get screwed in my ass really good, it congratul...

Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week.

His wife answered the door.

"Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."

"That much?"...

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A lone traveler needed to stop and wait out a storm.

A lone traveler needed to stop and wait out a storm. She came across a church settled near the top of a mountain far away from civilization, and decided to ask for them to lend hospitality to her. A nun greeted her at the entrance when she approached the church, and lead her inside. There, she was g...

A guy sits down at a bar alone having a drink, munching on the bar's bowl of pretzels.

All of a sudden he hears a little voice, "Looking good there, buddy."

Looking around he sees no one within earshot. So he just shrugs it off & goes back to his drink & snack.

A little while latter again he hears a little voice, "And you're a snappy dresser too."

Again lo...

Went on a trek one time...

Down south in the backwoods. Along my way I met a friendly family that took me in for the night. Despite being impoverished they insisted that I stay the night and have dinner.

When we had dinner it seemed they were serving a kind of stew. Quite aromatic. I asked them what it was and the re...

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When I was in Preschool, my teacher told my mother that she thought I might be autistic and needed to be enrolled in a special class.

My mother only shrugged and said "I think he draws like shit, but if you want to put him in art class go for it."

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A group of nuns were remodeling their church.

Today they were painting the walls. They didn't want to get paint on their habits (their nun clothes), so they decided to lock the doors and paint naked...

...they were butt naked and painting when suddenly someone knocked on the cathedral doors. Sister Mary explained to her sisters that ever...

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A man and an ostrich walk into a bar...

The man asks for a beer and the bartender obliges.

"Ahem," says the ostrich. The bartender looks up at it. It nods its head at the beer in front of the man and says, "I'll have the same." Bartender shrugs and gets a second beer for the bird.

After a few hours of drinking in silence, th...

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An old holocaust survivor dies and goes up to heaven....

He asks God,
"How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve."
God doesn't laugh.
The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".

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Last week I almost got robbed in the desert...

The robber shot my tires when I was driving and pulled me straight out of the car. He yelled "GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY RIGHT NOW!"

I responded "Wait wait wait, before you do, can you shoot my hat? I wanna prove to my family at home I was robbed."

The robber shrugged as I took off my hat ...

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A man walks into a bar

He asks the bartender for a Jack and coke. The bartender says “I’ve got you” and hands him an apple.
“Youve got to be joking” said the man
“Just do it. Trust me” said the bartender

The man shrugged. What could be the harm in eating an apple anyway? He took a satisfying crunch from the...

What happened when the mad scientist fused two animals together on his safari?

*shrugs* "Elephrhino!"










My girlfriend slapped me when she got this joke, so I figured it was good enough for reddit

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Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In...

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A little boy starts kindergarten

The teacher tells the class, “Tomorrow, I want all of you to be able to tell me the first four letters of the alphabet.”

So the boy goes home and approaches his mother in the kitchen, and asks, “What’s the first letter of the alphabet?” His mother glares at him and says, “Shut up, I’m on the ...

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John's neighbour asked him why there were lot of screams coming from there house last night.

John said that his wife told him that she wanted to him to make her scream like never before while having sex.

So his neighbour now curious asked back how he got her to scream so much.

John shrugs and say It is quite simple I just applied some chilli pepper on the condom before the sex...

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Two Irishmen are drinking at a bar in Dublin.

One goes up to the other and says “Excuse me, but you look familiar. Do you live here in Dublin?”

“That I do” replies the other man “all my life”.

“So do I!” Said the first man. “Let’s drink a round to Dublin!” After finishing their Guinness, the first man says “Maybe I remember you f...

2 Yetis meet on a dating app

2 Yetis matched on a dating app one day. One was American, the other European. In spite of American Yeti’s peculiarities and the yawning physical gap between them, they hit it off. Having gone back and forth for a little while, American Yeti asks European Yeti for a picture. European Yeti happily ob...

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Oldie but goodie.

There once was a small town, plagued with Foo birds. These were small but loathsome things. Harbingers of death, these birds were. Wherever they poo’d there would be death. The townsfolk were afraid to walk under trees and power lines, in case they became a Foo bird’s next victim.

Well one d...

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Little Red Riding Hood strolls into a dark forest, delivering her goodies as usual.

“La la la la la, la la la la la,” she caroled.

All of the sudden she encounters a vicious wolf that appears to be behind a tree. She becomes fearful for her life, but the wolf notices her presence and runs off into the darkness.

Red, confused, shrugs and goes about her stroll.

...

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I live about a four miles from my favorite pub - The Horse Brass.

It’s a 10 minute drive. I had a couple pints with my buddies and walked out to the car, and realized I needed to take a piss. Walk back? Nah, just get home, it’s 10 minutes.

About halfway home I realized the beer pee was filling fast so I pulled in behind the Walgreens where the dumpsters ar...

A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers.

She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says, "when I was young I contracted kneesles."
She says, "you mean measles."
He says, "no, I actually got kneesles."
She shrugs and continues undressing.
When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about the...

After a wild night of drinking, a guy gets pulled over.

Cop: “Where you headed, sir?”

Guy: *shrugs* “Jail.”

A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously drunk man stumbles in.

"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches.

The bartender pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, they all drink. The bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me ton...

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A gamer walks into a bar...

...and asks the barkeep "you got a console to play on?" And the barkeep says "yeah, but only have one game for it." The gamer shrugs, orders a cider and sits down to play.

While he's playing another guy walks in and says "hey, that guy with the cider is playing my game!" And the barkeep asks...

A guy walks into a liquor store and ask for a case of Heineken.

The gal behind the counter replies, "Sorry. We're out of Heineken."

The guy shrugs his shoulders and says, "Fine. Make it Rolling Rock."

The woman replies, "Sorry, but the only cold beer we have in stock is Budweiser."

The man says, "Nope. No way. Last time I drank a case of Bud...

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A third grade teacher assigns her students homework

They are to ask their parents for a story with a moral and share it the next day.
The next day the teacher calls on little Peggy-Sue. Peggy-Sue stands and says “My daddy told me about the chickens that we raise for slaughter. One day we bought 12 eggs and only 9 of them hatched. The moral of the...

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I don't understand women...

One word out of place, just ONE word, and she's packing her bloody bags.

She asked me why I take my wedding ring off before sex. I just shrugged and said "Habit".

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar...

They sit down and order 10 pints of beer. The bartender shrugs, but pours the beer and lines them up along the bar. They begin to slam back the pints, but the man finishes his first. The giraffe can't even make it to the last pint and passes out on the bar. The man laughs, pays the bill, and gets up...

Since people are translating their native jokes, I hope no one has posted this yet

There were 3 boys who were being chased by the police. John the wise, Peter the smart, and Jose the dumb.


As the police were gaining on them, they each decided to hide in a box in an alley way.

The policeman ran up to John's Box and kicked it.

Thinking quickly, John said...

A little girl walks into a pet store and tells an employee that she’d like to buy a rabbit.

The employee smiles down at the little girl and says, “Right this way! We have lots of different rabbits to choose from depending on what you’re looking for.” She leads the little girl over to a large enclosure where a huge collection of bunnies of all different sizes and colors are hopping about or...

A man is sitting in a taxi in Newcastle on his way home to Sunderland. He realises he recognises the taxi driver- and with great enthusiasm mentions this. "I know you! You picked me and the missus up that time from the train station and took us to the airport! Remember?"...

The taxi driver, who sees hundreds of different people every day, smiles politely and replies "Maybe.", rather unconvincingly. A typical, though nevertheless unbearable awkwardness follows whereupon the driver says "Riddle me this...". The passenger sits up straight and prepares for thinking.
...

A stranger approached Nasruddin as he was standing at the crossroads

"Which way to town?" the stranger asked.
Nasruddin pointed to the right.
"And how long will it take to get there?"
Nasruddin stared at the stranger intently and shrugged.
"I know you can hear me!" the stranger shouted. "How long will it take me to get to town?"
Nasruddin shrugged agai...

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A man dies and goes to hell...

He arrives in hell to find Satan standing behind a podium, like a game show host, there are 3 doors behind him, marked 1,2 and 3, coloured Red, White and Blue.

The man walks up to Satan, Satan says “ Choose a door, but beware, once in you cannot leave” The man asks “ well what’s behind the do...

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Little Timmy comes home from school to find his parents in the middle of a fight.

Timmy's parents keep him pretty sheltered, and they don't normally fight in front of him, so he stops to see what is going on. The argument is pretty heated and at this point has devolved to plain old shouting insults at one another.

His mother yells at his father "At least I don't have hair...

Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman are on a train compartment, drinking and being loud together. At the next stop an elderly priest and a beautiful woman get on and sit across from the three.

As the train gets under way, the priest looks at the three with distain and says, "Have ya any decency between ya? You three look like a right pair of fools, but I'll give 50 quid to any of you that can name the three main characters of the Bible." The Englishman pipes up and says, "The three Kings?...

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a glass of less. The bartender looks at the man confused “ Whats less?”
The man then shrugs his shoulders “ im not sure, but my doctor tells me i should be drinking it.”

A woman with hairy armpits enters a bar..

She sits at the end of the bar and raises her arm to call the bartender and a drunkard would say, "Hey, bartender.. give the ballerina a beer on me.."

This happened two more times and the bartender finally asks, "Tell me, I'm curious.. What makes you say that the woman at the end of the...

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A deaf-mute guy goes into a pharmacy to buy some condoms

After looking around the shop for a while and being unable to spot what he wants, he goes up to the counter and signs to the pharmacist, who only looks at him in mild bewilderment. The deaf-mute pats his pockets for a pencil and paper only to realize that he's come out without any, and he resorts to...

Wine joke

At the restaurant, “Sir, would you prefer a red or a white wine?”

The customer shrugs, “I don’t really care. I’m colorblind.”

An ancient married couple visits a divorce attorney

"So you want to get divorced? Exactly how long have you been married?" the lawyer asks.

The husband looks out the window and mumbles "72 years".

The lawyer raises his eyebrows and asks "So, uh, why is it that you want to do this?"

The man replies "Because we *hate* each other...

A rookie comedian asks an experienced comedian how he manages to cater his jokes toward his audience.

The comedian gives the newcomer a slip of paper with a website url. “This is a forum for comedians where they trade jokes. It’s perfect to find the right joke for the right occasion.”

So just before his first gig at a tailors convention, he looks up “jokes for tailors” on the forum. He manage...

11 Minutes

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer ...

In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do....

The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see.

The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign.

Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself"

The...

Don't have a clue

So I usually hear this joke in another language but let's see how it's received in English.

A foreigner is traveling in the city. He asks a guy on a nearby bench "excuse me, what time is it?" The guy shrugs and says "I don't have a clue".

So he asks another guy sitting nearby, "excuse ...

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

two dogs are sitting in a bar talking politics

two dogs are sitting in a bar talking politics.

"i dunno Harry , im not sure i can support a president that does not support Israel , they have always been one of our strongest allies "

"Sure , Bob , But what about the Palestine people ?"

at this , a squirrel jumps up on the ba...

Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.

One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?" The crying boy replied, "We're in tr...

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An american, A French , and a Japanese survive a shipwreck...

While clinging to floating debris and paddling towards shore they discuss what they will do to survive. The American dude says: Well, I am a carpenter by trade, so I'll build us a shelter. The French dude says: Ho-hoh! Yers trulee eez the greatest chef ever! I shall make grand meals to feed us! It g...

The existencial sermon

A priest is giving a sermon to his congregation. He starts off pretty upbeat, and then part of the way through says "and just remember, everyone in this congregation is going to die"
Everyone thinks it's kind of weird but they shrug it off. He says it again "every member of this congregation will...

Wholesome Prison joke from my uncle’s dad

So there are a group of men serving simultaneous life sentences in prison. They’ve served 20 years together already and over all those years to fill the time they told each other jokes. These jokes they’ve loved so much and were told so many times; that they have been able to tell them by numbers al...

Dennis Rodman earns himself a cameo in Kazaam 2.

Knowing full well that this would be a large production, he decided to arrive on set well before his scheduled scene was meant to be filmed. Even with his prudent planning, when he drove onto the lot, there was only one spot left and so he took it. As soon he stepped out his vehicle however, he was ...

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