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Stimulus Jokes

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

My farmer friend used his stimulus to buy baby chickens.

He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.

Got my stimulus check on St. Patrick’s Day

Call that luck of the IRS.

My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.

I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.

She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.

Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.

They've finally reached a Covid Stimulus deal!

It includes a direct payment of $40 in Kohl's Cash that will be valid from January 3 - January 7, 2021.

If people are calling the American Stimulus money Biden Bucks...

Does that mean the last stimulus check was
Trump Change?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between my stimulus check and my penis?

My wife will blow my stimulus check

Adding $20 to Trump’s latest stimulus amendment...

...would slightly lessen the sting of the number 2020.

I think stimulus checks should also extend to all waterfowl.

Because ducks have bills too, you know.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

'Economic Stimulus' payment

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by
using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal gover...

What's easier to get from Trump than a stimulus check?

A pardon.

Who needs stimulus money

When your wife didn't go shopping for two weeks!

Why is the stimulus package not helping stop covid-19?

Because it's still up in the air.

What did the Senate have to say about the new stimulus package?

Let them eat cake!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressma...

Wow, I'm getting a $1200 check from the President

I feel kind-of like Stormy Daniels.

...well actually this check is for a future stimulus, Stormy's was a check for a past stimulus.

Someone tickled me today and then asked: "Did you feel that?"

It was nice to finally receive a stimulus check.

I think the Stimulus Package is a sick April Fools joke.

It’s a Stimu-LIE!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The bu...

The political parties can't agree on what a second economic stimulus package should look like. Democrats want every American to receive a $1,200.00 check, while Republicans favor giving everybody 10 pounds of Parmesean cheese.

The GOP wants to "Make America Grate Again".

I'm getting a new puppy in a few days.

Gonna name him after the Roman God Stimulus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between a troubled penis and the Economy?

The Economy gets going post stimulus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During this crisis, the government is trying to find a way to help the sex worker industry.

The only problem is that they can't work out what to name the help without using the words *relief*, *stimulus* or *package*

Pavlov's Dog

After we finished the pop quiz in our psychology class, our teacher allowed us to quietly talk amongst ourselves. A group of us were discussing the idiocy of Pavlov's dog and how pairing a stimulus with a conditioned response seemed illogical in the real world. Then the bell rang, and we all headed ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW wife in a coma

A man and his wife are driving down a country lane when a deer runs in front of them, causing them to swerve and hit a tree. The husband is unharmed in the incident but the woman unfortunately hits her head and enters a coma.


Months roll by and the woman still remains coma stricken, with ...

Roses are red, violets are blue...

Let's dispel once and for all with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing. He knows EXACTLY what he's doing. Barack Obama is undertaking a systematic effort to change this country, to make America more like the rest of the world.

That's why he passed Obamacare and th...

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