What sound does a 747 make when it bounces?

"BOEING!"

A tomato and a cucumber bounce into a bar.

"Larry and I have been wanting to become human for a while now," the tomato says to the bartender. "But none of the other bars in town have drinks that will turn us into humans. Do you have such a drink?"

"I think I do," says the bartender. "Let me see if I have it."

"This is gonna be ...

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & ...

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

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A mom was driving behind a garbage truck, a dildo fell out the back, bounced off the road and hit the windshield. Trying to protect her son's innocence she said, that was a big bug!

Her son replied, it's amazing it could fly with such a huge cock.

A plane malfunctioned and went for a nosedive mid-flight, but it just bounced after touching the ground.

Boeing.

TIL when musicians perform on stage, the sound bounces around the room off the walls, however, when a pigeon performs on stage, the sound does not bounce. This is because...

...a coo sticks.

What do you call a drunk Irish guy who bounces off the walls?

Rick O’ Shea

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"
"No," she cries, "It's too far!"
"I play football. I can catch him!"

The smoke is pouring from the windows. The woman kisses her cat goodbye and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward...

What does a bored trampoline jumper say?

"Okay, bye. I'm gonna bounce now."

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into ...

A church has a job opening for..

a bell ringer. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.

They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.

The n...

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An Old Lady Checked Into A Motel on her 70th birthday.

She was a bit lone and thought,

“I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in the brochures for escorts and sensual massages.”

She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing i...

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.”

A man goes to the confessional and begins “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.”

“What is your sin, my son?” the priest asks back.”Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.” “When did you use this awful language?” asks the priest.

...

A guy is driving down an empty country road

A guy is driving down a country road when a vulture swoops unexpectedly in front of him. It hits his windshield, cracking it and making a huge mess. The bird rolls onto the roof and bounces towards the rear of the car, ending up hitting a state trooper’s car that was behind the guy’s car. The troope...

Musicians play in an auditorium and their sound bounces around. A pigeon makes a sound and it doesn't bounce around. Why not?

A coo sticks

(Stolen from a FB post and I'm sure has been here 50 times but whatevs I liked it :))

My friend has been terribly depressed since he went bungy jumping and the cord snapped.

He just hasn't bounced back.

My Mom's favorite joke

There was a woman named Betty Lou, whose life had recently fallen into a downward spiral of horrible luck. She had been laid off after working for the same company for several years. She began binge eating to cope, and as a result become terribly overweight. This made it more difficult for her to ac...

Why did Oscar Pistorius leave the courtroom?

He had to bounce.

Moses, Jesus, and another guy are playing golf. (Possibly Rule 2)

They're on the 18th hole and their scores are all tied. Moses is first to tee.

He cracks the ball off the tee, sending it sailing towards the water hazard just before the green. Seeing this, he raises his club in the air, parting his hands. The water in the hazard seperates down the middle, t...

what sound do planes make as they bounce?

Boeing-Boeing-Boeing

A new bus driver starts his first day of work...

A new bus driver starts his first day of work...

......he kisses his wife goodbye. He’s nervous about the new job and not sure if it’s for him.

He’s assigned his bus, and as he walks up to it, he notices that it has a big promotional for Sesame Street on the side. “Great,” he thinks, ...

A priest and a nun are playing miniature golf.

The priest lines up a ten-footer, hits the ball, and it swerves right of the hole. He yells, “Dammit, I missed!

”The nun recoils in shock. “Father, language!”

“I’m sorry, Sister Margaret, please forgive my cursing.”

They get to the second hole. The priest is only 3 feet away fro...

My girlfriend hates it when I tap the brakes to make the car bounce when I listen to hiphop.

But when I think about it, she never did like brakedancing.

Funeral of my dad

A guy named Temel was walking on road with his head down and great sadness, some familiar faces saw him and asked Temel what happened Temel said his dad died and he is going to the funeral so they asked how did he die? Temel started telling

My dad was next to the window of a 10 floored workin...

What bounces and makes children sad?

The checks I write to the Make-A-Wish foundation.

What's the difference between a ball and a baby?

One of them bounces and the other cracks.

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A reporter is having lunch in a park in Manchester...

She sees a child playing, when all of a sudden a large angry dog bounces towards the child, picking the child up and shaking it..

All of a sudden a teenage lad runs towards them, wresting the child from certain death and in the process kills the Savage dog.

The Reporter sensing a gre...

A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.

He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!"

St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?"

God says, "Yep."

Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle...

What bounces and makes kids cry?

My donation cheque to "Children in Need."

What do you name an Irish baby that bounces when you throw it at a wall?

Rick O’Shea

If a plane tries to land but can't deploy its wheels, what sound does it make when it bounces off the ground?

Boeing

King of the jungle

One beautiful morning Leo the Lion wakes up in his den, gives a big morning roar, stretches and starts off for the watering hole.

On his way he comes across a monkey sitting on a rock. Leo grabs the monkey, gives him a slap and asks "who's the king of the jungle"?
The monkey says "You are ...

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

Pinata joke, not mine but thought it was funny. Sorry if you have heard before

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord,...

An Irishman was thrown out of a pub, but hit a wall and bounced straight back in.

His name was Rick O'Shea

The largest bounce house in the world is around 10,000 feet, big enough to live in...

But the rent is pretty high due to inflation

My 2-year-old wouldn't come out of the carnival bounce house, so the attendant had to go in and get him

I really thought I wouldn't have to worry about him getting thrown out of places by bouncers until he got older.

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A mom is driving her car with her little daughter in the passenger's seat.

Suddenly, BAM!!!!, a huge dildo hits the windshield and bounces off of it.

\- Mommy, what was that?

Oh sweety, eeeh, *that* was just a bee.

\- Wow! Mom, it had a huge cock!!!

Another Parrot Joke

A young couple bought a parrot, but quickly discovered that he could cause them a lot of embarrassment. Every time someone came to the house, he would tell them what the couple had been up to, particularly what went on in the evenings on the sofa.

“That’s it, I’ve had enough,” said the man, “...

I just got a check from the rubber company

It bounced

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Frenchman in Morocco

A Frenchman seeking some thrills travels to Morocco and decides to go bungee jumping off the top of mosques. As he bounces back into the air, all of the passerby in Morocco are in awe and one Moroccan passerby decides that he wants to try it himself.

He finds the Frenchman at a nearby cafe a...

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A german, a french and an italian are walking down the street...

Suddenly a genie appears in front of them and says: “You lucky men, come with me!” and teleports them in front of 3 empty pools. He then says: “You have to jump from the diving board and say what you want your pool to be full of.”
The german jumps and says: “Beer!” and he falls into the pool with...

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A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend."

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-wo...

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Guy goes to confession...

says, "forgive me father. I used profanity and said the lord's name in vain."

priest says, "please, tell me exactly what happened, my son."

"well father, i was playing golf and i was on a long par 4 and i sliced my tee shot into the trees."

"is that when you used profanities, my...

Two nuns are out on their bicycles visiting the poor

But as they cycle around the village, they get a bit lost and find themselves rolling down a steep, roughly paved hill. Shrieking, the nuns bounce down the hill.

At the bottom, one says to the other, “My goodness, Sister! Have you ever come that way before?”

“No,” says the other, “Must...

I just bought a new Trumpoline

It’s like a trampoline except you never bounce back from it.

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

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My father ladies and gentlemen...

So, when we were younger we used to run a single line off the back of one of the snowmobiles, put a splitter on her with two lengths of ski rope about 25' long, gear up with helmets and suits, and throw two guys on on those flying saucers, (you know, like the ones on National Lampoon's Vacation) and...

As a tennis ball falls off a table, a golf ball shouts a question, "Are you going to be ok?"

The tennis ball replies, "Of course. I'll bounce back."

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A German guy called Helmut approaches a lady of the night in London.

“I vish to buy sex viz you."

"Okay," says the girl, "I charge £50 an hour."

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky for an extra £10."

Helmut agrees

So off they go the girl's flat, where t...

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A hearse was driving down the road...

When all of the sudden the back doors fling open. The coffin flies out of the hearse and it bounces all around the town, it cannot stop.

Eventually it stops and lands right in front of a drug store. The man in the coffin rises up and says “Hey, you guys have anything that can stop this coughi...

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Two men are sitting at a rooftop bar...

Two men are sitting at a rooftop bar enjoying a few drinks and getting to know each other. A few hours go by and the men are pretty plastered at this point. One of the men looks at the other and says, "you know what, I like you, let me show you a secret about this place.

The man guides his ne...

A Priest with a golf addiction...

awakes to a beautiful Sunday morning after weeks of bad weather. He just can't work today, he HAS to find a way to fit in a round or two of golf. He calls in sick, and drives 2 hours to distant course so no one will recognize him. He lines up his first shot, a par 5, and lets it rip...

Meanwh...

Billy's birthday gift

Little Billy just turned 8. His parents went all out for the party. They rented a bounce house. The cake was three layers. They even hired the best clown in the state. All of Billy's friends from school were there, even some of the older cool kids made it. At the end of the party, when everyone left...

Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

Me: "Why?"

Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."

A priest goes out practice golfing and has an altar boy caddy for him.

Right off the first tee the priest immediately hooks the ball into a sand trap. He mutters, "God Dammit!!!" The shocked altar boy says, "Father! Isn't that blasphemy?" The priest says, "Awww I'm a priest, he'll forgive me."
On the second tee he hits a bad slice, the ball bounces off a tree and ...

I once told a joke about jumping onto a trampoline and nobody understood it.

I was pretty devastated, but it’s ok. I’ll bounce back.

Golf Joke or Not

Moses, Jesus, and a bearded old man are playing golf. Moses drives a long one, which lands on the fairway but rolls directly toward the pond. Moses raises his club, parts the water, and the ball rolls safely to the other side.
Jesus also hits a long one toward the same pond, but just as it’s abou...

A man and a woman are having their firstborn child

Several hours after the baby is delivered the doctor rushes out to the waiting room where the man is and says “SIR WE’VE DISCOVERED YOUR BABY CAN FLY!!! Come quickly!!” The man, astonished by this news, rushes with the doctor to the room where his wife and child are. The doctor picks the baby up and...

A woman walks into a diner carrying a dog under her arm. She puts the dog on the counter and announces that the dog can talk. The woman says she has $100 she’s willing to bet anyone who says he can’t.

The head cook quickly takes the bet and asks the dog, “What’s the thing on top of this building that keeps rain out?”

The dog answers, “Roof.” The cook says, “Who are you kidding, I’m not paying!”

The dogs owner says, “Double or nothing, and I’ll ask him something else.” The cook agre...

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So this redneck is walking in the park when he sees his friend Joe.

Joe is crying his eyes out so the redneck walks up and says why are you crying. And Joe is like, my father died. And the redneck starts weeping bitter tears himself and he is like omg I'm so sorry how did he die.

And so Joe says, my father fell asleep on his armchair while the fire in the hea...

Larry, the Chemical Engineer

Larry was a chemical engineer who worked for DuPont Chemicals and who was brilliant at his job. He’d been the main guy responsible for developing Kevlar and a host of other really great plastics and polymers.

However, it had been quite a while between new developments and so the VP of Researc...

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