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Reply Jokes

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What should you reply when a bully asks you ''Why are you so fat?

Everytime i fuck your mom she gives me a cookie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she disco...

What did Zelensky reply to Putin when he called him to complain about the exploded bridge?

“Crimea River!”

I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist so when they ask, "What do you do for a living?” I reply...

“Oh, you know…stuff!"

Someone made a post offending handicapped people, but I didn’t reply.

The comments were disabled.

Humorists of Reddit! I challenge your joke inventing skills! First comment gives the punch line; the reply is the rest of the joke!

edit: Thanks guys for some hilarious jokes! Keep 'em coming. I wanted to let you know that I've messaged the mods about this thread. Maybe it could be a weekly thread? Who knows.

When asked how I got into olympic diving as a career I always reply:

Just sort of fell into it, really.

What do you call Andrew Tate in a Romanian prison?

In-cell

EDIT: I don't have time to reply to all the great comments here but THANK YOU ALL for the lols! Seriously, laughed out loud at a bunch of these, I'm rolling!

EDIT EDIT: Thanks as well to the kind Redditor who referred me to the suicide helpline over this. I'm fine, but clearly ...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50....

A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...

The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.

The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."

The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1".

The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"

The Bartender reply's "$5". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his ...

If a pro lifer asks "What if Mary aborted Jesus"?

Replying "it would have sped things along" isn't the answer they were looking for.

A mother hears a humming sound from her daughter's bedroom and walks in.

Finding her daugher sitting on the bed using her vibrator she asked, "What are you doing?!"

"I'm a 35 year old woman living with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to a husband, " replies the daughter.

The mother silently leaves the room. The next day, the father hears a hu...

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

How many Russians does it take to change a Ukrainian lightbulb?

At least 1 battalion to lose in the attempt. Please reply with your best punchline.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was asked whether I prefer breasts or thighs.

I said "Well, both are nice, but I really like is a nice wet pussy". Apparently that was the wrong reply, as I'm now banned from KFC.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

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