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A cucumber, a pickle and a pecker were hangin out together...

they talked, and stumbled upon the topic of their demise.

Cucumber: My end sucks, when I get big, thick and juicy, they slice me up for their salads.

Pickle: wAhWaH. When I get big, thick and juicy, they grind me up into bottles for their burders.

Pecker: That ain't shit! When ...

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, atta...

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Three Brooklynites Are Invited To A Party...

The theme for this party is "Dress Like an Emotion." The first guy is wearing a pear costume. The second guy is wearing a dress. And the third guy is butt-naked except for a custard pie around his pecker.

They ring the doorbell. The host opens the door, sizes them up, and says "You guys aren'...

Once, in the forest, a sapling grew between two trees...

One tree was a birch tree, and proudly said, "That sapling is a son of a birch!"

The other tree was a beech tree, and proudly said, "No, that sapling is a son of a beech!"

The two trees argued day in and day out, but couldn't settle the matter. Finally, they decided to ask the true exp...

Why don’t birds wear underwear?

Their pecker is on their face.

What did a guy with a 2 inch pecker have for breakfast?

Well, I had 2 eggs, some bacon, hash browns and toast.

I just caught my pecker in my zipper and man it hurts.

No more zip up boots for me.

What do you call a priest's pecker? (Dry AF)

Holywood..

Impeccable

A woodpecker from the United States and a Canadian woodpecker were in Canada arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Canadian woodpecker claimed Canada had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The U.S. woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no ...

There are two trees in the forest, a beech and a birch. One day...

They notice a small tree has sprouted up inbetween them. The birch says, "Man, that really looks like a son of a beech!"

The beech retorts, "No way! That's gotta be a son of a birch!" So, they start arguing back and forth "son of a beech" and "son of a birch".

Eventually, a woodpecker ...

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What do you call a guy with a pencil strapped to his pecker?

Dick Tracy.

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A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc my pecker has turned orange".

The doctor takes a look and says, "I've never seen anything like this before. We'll have to run some tests to see if you have been poisoned or something. Where do you work, a chemical plant?"

The guy answers, "No. As a matter of fact I've been out of work for a couple of months now, and I've ...

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Wife and I making bird puns in bed

We were laying in bed, when I looked over and said "hey make like a bird and swallow this dick!" She smiled and pulled my pajama bottoms off. I closed my eyes awaiting bliss, when all of a sudden she repeatedly head butts my dick. After scrambling away and gasping in pain, I looked at her and exclai...

Have you heard about the guy with 5 peckers?

His underwear fits like a glove!

Schwartz dies and they bring his body to the funeral home...

The mortician undresses the body, only to discover Schwartz had the biggest pecker he’d ever seen in his life. He can’t wait to tell his wife- but would she ever believe him? In a flash he cuts it off and places it in a gallon size jar with some embalming fluid.
He gets home, calls for his wife ...

I took my pet woodpecker with me on a walk downtown. Lots of people were pointing and staring. Finally a cop walks up, points in the direction of my woodpecker and said "'Scuse me sir, but I'm going to have to ask you to put away your pecker."

So I said, "well where is my bird going to perch then?"

Why don't chickens wear pants?

Their pecker is on thier head

So, I heard Bounty, the maker of paper towels, has decided to get into the Male Enhancement business...

..their new slogan? The Quicker Pecker Upper.

A man worked his whole life at the pickle factory. One day he came home and informed his wife that he had been fired from his job.

She was in disbelief and near tears. "20 years of your life you gave them, and this is how they repay you!", she shouted, confused. "What happened, why were you laid off?"

"Well, for 20 years since I've worked there I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer. Call it curiosity if you...

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A Farmer and his wife...

A farmer and his wife were sitting on the front porch enjoying the cool summer evening, when a flying saucer lands in the front yard, a door drops down, an Martian man and woman step off the spacecraft and introduce themselves to the country couple, after a long evening of enjoyable conversation the...

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Two old men discuss their sex lives. (Long)

Mort and Saul meet every two weeks in the park and one day Mort says so, how's with you? Saul says Not so good, my sex life is not so good. What's wrong Mort asks. I haven't had sex in a long time Saul says. To which Mort says you should go see this hooker I know and ask for the bagel treatment. Wh...

A new sapling popped up between a maple and a pine tree in the forest and they got into an argument over what kind of tree it was. The maple thinks it's a son of a birch and the pine thinks it's a son of a beech. Neither one was willing to concede to the other...

The maple barked, "It's a son of a birch!"

The pine bristled, "It's a son of a beech!"

"Son of a birch!"

"Son of a beech!"

After arguing back and forth for a while, they decided that they needed someone else to sort out what kind of tree it was.

They called Mr. Woo...

Trees

I accidentally posted this to the Reddit subgroup "funny". Hopefully I have the right spot now!

Two trees are growing up side by side in the forest one is a birch tree, and one is a beech tree. They are so conceited, theyrarely noticed the rest of the forest around them. Until one day, they l...

Hillbillies

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'...

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An old gambler was called by the irs and told he owed $5000

So the old man went to see the irs agent with his lawyer. The reason he owed so much was too much money was moving between his accounts. He told the agent he was a gambling man and that’s why he moved money around so much. He asked the agent “are you a gambling man?cause I am. “ the agent said “yeah...

What do you get when you use the bathroom after cutting a jalapeño?

A red hot chili pecker.

Also: True Story.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a giraffe?

A really long pecker.

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What do you call a dildo made out of wood?

A Wood Pecker

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A grandson and his grandfather go fishing when the grandson asks his grandpa for a beer....

“Well can your pecker touch your butt?” The boy confused replies, “uhm no it can’t grandpa”. He looks at him and says “sorry kid not today then”. Some time passes and now the kid has grown into a man and decides to take his grandpa out fishing again. His grandpa opens up a beer and starts fishing wh...

A man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself.

After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.

One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed o...

Bob is standing at the urinal in the men's room doing his business. Steve walks up a couple of spaces over from Bob and begins to do his business. Bob glances over and exclaims, "Wow, you're huge!!"

Steve kinda hangs his head and says, "Yeah, I know."

Bob says, "I'm sorry, I just never seen a guy as fat as you. When is the last time you seen your pecker?"

Steve replies, "It's been a long time."

Bob asks, "Why don't you diet?"

Steve says,"Why, what color is it now?"

Son of a birch

A birch tree and a beech tree were standing together in the forest when the noticed a small seedling growing nearby.

The birch tree says "ah, that's one of my children, a fine young birch!"

The beech tree says "no, that's clearly a beech, One of my many progeny."

They ask a pass...

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A Mississippi boy ran to his father

A Mississippi boy ran to his father, crying with his pants pulled down and an obvious boner. “Daddy, Daddy,” he cried, “My pecker is hard and won’t go soft!”

“Don’t worry, Son, I know how to fix it,” the father replied. “Go out to the barn and get two big handfuls of cow shit and rub on it. T...

What is the most embarrassing species of bird?

Morning wood -pecker

Salty Pete The Pirate

So, Salty Pete the pirate hobbles into the bar one night. I mean, he's so piratey. He's got a parrot on his shoulder, an eye patch, the peg leg and hook for a hand, and he for some reason has the helm of his ship stuck to his nether regions.

Anyway, he hobbles up to the bar and tosses down...

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel

"Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key. The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed.

At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide ...

Two big trees are talking in the woods.

One big tree says to the other. “Dear Fir, what do you suppose this little bitty tree is between us? Do you think it’s the son of a beech or the son of a birch?”

“I’m afraid I do not know, kind fir,” says the other tree.

In the meantime a woodpecker lands on the baby tree. The first...

Guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, and the bartender tells him to leave

Guy says the alligator is trained, and puts his hand in its mouth

Bartender still tells him to leave. Guy then puts his head in the alligator’s mouth. Bartender says the alligator is dangerous and he needs to leave.

In a final display, the guy unzips, puts his pecker in the alligat...

Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting one afternoon.

Ole needs to toss a whizz so he steps behind a tree to take care of business. All the sudden Sven hears a bone chilling cry. He checks on his best friend Ole and there he is, lying on the ground.

"Sven, a rattlesnake just bit me in the pecker! Please go get the doctor; I don't want to di...

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I was teased about my penis size almost every day of elementary school.

I got called names like teeny weenie, micro dong, and pickled pecker.

If it weren't for that, being home-schooled wouldn't have been so bad.

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Guy named Eddie walks into the men's room at a bar.

As he's standing at a urinal, another fellow walks up to a nearby urinal. Eddie glances over and notices the other guy has no arms; both of the sleeves of his jacket are empty and folded over. Armless guy says to Eddie, "Hey buddy, do you think you could help me out?"

"What can I do for you?"...

What's the difference between a chicken and a man?

The chicken eats with it's pecker

Son of a beech or a son of a birch

An Elm and an Oak tree in a forest are debating what type of tree the new sapling growing between them is.

The Elm says that is a son of a beech, oh no the Oak says that is a son of a birch. The debate goes on until one day a woodpecker fly's over and lands near by. The Oak says hey Mr Woodp...

A guy walks into a bar holding an alligator. He gently rests it on the counter, and takes a seat.

“You can’t bring that in here!” the bartender exclaimed, motioning for the man to leave.
“Aw, he’s completely harmless, won’t hurt a fly I promise!” replied the owner of the alligator.
The bartender was not amused and again insisted that the man leave.
“Alright,” said the man standing up...

The veteran’s affairs office requests several ex-soldiers to come by and hear about a new pension plan.

“Alright men,” the official begins, “we’ve tried out a lot of pension plans in the past and none of them have worked out. At this point, we’re winging it. We’re going to measure between two points of your body, and whatever the distance is in inches, that’s how many thousand dollars you’ll get. So t...

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[NSFW] [LONG] A soldier returns home from Iraq...

Greeted by his wife, he hugs her tight, and she's ready to jump his bones. He stops her however, and tells her, "Baby, while I was away, I want you to know, I didn't stray in thought or body. I spent every waking moment thinking of you, and in that process, I developed a new trick." This certainly h...

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A backpacker walks into a tavern

As he walks in, all eyes turn on him, it's a small isolated tavern way up in the mountains, so they don't see strangers too often.

He orders a beer and starts mingling, and because he's a cool guy he fits in relatively quick.

A few beers after, he spots a table at the back of the room,...

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A brand new lumberjack is being shown around the work site where he will be felling trees.

The foreman takes him to the barracks, "Here's where you'll be sleeping, son, you have the top bunk over there" and motions to the corner of the room, "Up at 5 a.m., lights out at 10 p.m." The new hire looks at the shabby conditions but thinks he can put up with it for the pay he'll be receiving....

An ageing maple and a gnarled oak were standing on the crest of a hill overlooking a verdant glen.

"You see that young sapling down there," said the oak. "I'm thinking it's a son of a birch."

"No," said the maple. "I'd wager it's a son of a beech."

Just then a ruddy woodpecker landed on a branch nearby.

"Hey Woody," said the maple. "Would you do us a favour and fly down to th...

I submit to you, the only joke I have ever heard my father tell.

There are two trees in the forest; one a birch, one a beech. They have grown up together from saplings to fully grown trees. They always had a healthy rivalry going, arguing about everything from the weather to the composition of the soil. In their older years a little sapling started to sprout betw...

There were these two trees that lived in the middle of a meadow, all by themselves, one, a birch, the other, a beech...

Having nothing much else to do to pass the time, they engaged in frequent conversation with each other about whatever tickled their fancy.

Well, one year, a sapling took root between the two trees and having not much else to talk about, they argued about the sapling for years.

"It's a ...

Tree joke (long)

This was told to me by an older Iroqouis man when I was in college: Woodpecker was out foraging for food in the forest when he overheard two trees arguing. It was hard to make out what the trees were saying, so woodpecker flew in closer to listen. He came upon a large beech and a large birch, argu...

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(NSFW) Tax time

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, Social security number, etc. and then asks, "Whats your occupation?"

"I'm a lady of the ni...

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My dad's favorite

This feller from up North decides that he wants to retire to the farm life, so he hops on the bus, and rides down to Tennessee. After getting off of the bus, he takes off walking down a country road. He comes across an old man selling rabbits and says, "I'd like to buy one of your finest rabbits, pl...

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An elderly couple are rocking on their front porch. NSFW

All of a sudden the old lady reaches over and smacks the old man right out of his rocking chair.
The old man slowly gets up gets back in his rocking chair, after rocking a few minutes more he turns the old woman and asks "What was that for?"
"For having such a small pecker all these years!" sh...

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An 80 year old man goes into a brothel..

Picks out a young pretty woman, they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed. The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free. He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to ta...

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Taking grandson fishing...

A grandfather was taking his grandson fishing one day. While driving to the lake the grandfather grabbed a beer out of the cooler and popped the top.
Grandson: "Grandpa, grandpa, can I have a drink of your beer?"
Grandpa: "Well, let me ask you a question first. If you pull your pecker down is ...

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An old man and his grandson are sitting on the porch.

An elderly man and his grandson are sitting outside on the porch. The grandfather pulls out a cigar, lights it, and proceeds to smoke. The grandson looked upon him with curiosity.

"Papa, may I have a cigar?" The little boy asked.

The old man smirks, "You can, but only if your answer ...

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Andy Rooney on Sex

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory... I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of sa...

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Vodoo Dick

A woman complains to her friend that she hasn't been laid in years and she feels so lonely. Her friend suggests that she visit the Haitian store and she will get help. The woman is curious so she goes to the store and bashfully explains her situation to the store owner. He pulls out a wooden phallus...

Two old trees stood tall looking at a young sapling growing nearby

One day, a strong oak tree and a fine beech tree were chatting when they noticed a small sapling growing nearby. The forest was a very competitive place. They both wanted this sapling to be their offspring but there was no way to tell from where they stood. The oak tree saw a woodpecker flying throu...

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What did the bird watching sex addict see yesterday?

1 pecker 2 swallow, and 2 boobies.

The dairy farm

A man hears word of a dairy farm that runs a brothel behind the scenes, and decides to go check it out. When he gets there, the old farmer that runs the place informs him of how things work.

Farmer: We're not a brothel in the traditional sense. See, there's a wall over there with 3 holes ...

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A sign in the window of a bar advertised for a Piano Player...

...and one day a scroungy looking old guy entered the bar asking about the job.

The bartender was put off by the man's looks, but pointed him to the piano in the corner.

As the old man began to play, the room was filled with the most beautiful, melodious music anyone in the bar had eve...

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96-year-old man goes to the men’s room...

A 96-year-old man goes into the men’s room.

He looks at the stall, he looks at the urinal. He looks back at the stall, looks back at the urinal.

He walks over to the urinal, takes out his pecker, and promptly shits his pants.

He looks up and says, “I gambled. I lost.”

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The Girl with the Wooden Eye

Another of my old man's jokes...

A girl and her friend are sitting in a busy night club where lots of people are dancing. The friend says, 'Honey, you should find someone to dance with.' The girl says, " I don't know, I'm so self conscious about my wooden eye. Guys always stare at it and make...

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(NSFW) A truck driver picks up a hitchhiker

This truck driver is going down the highway and he sees a hitchhiker on the road. He stops and asks, "You need a ride?" The hitchhiker is ecstatic and agrees, thankful that he can cover more ground quickly.

After a couple hours he is getting restless and asks, "Man I'm bored, how do you get ...

Stay in school, kids.

One day, a kid comes home from school. He goes up to his mom and says "Momma, I was at school today, and Tommy could count all the way to 100! I can barely count to about 7 or 8!" The mom goes "That's ok sweetie, one day you'll be as smart as him.
Next day, the kid comes home again. He goes up to...

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A girl was having a costume party...

(My favorite joke told to me by my uncle a long time ago)

A girl was having a costume party, and decided that the theme of the party was going to be emotions. So she puts one of her friends at the door to make sure everyone coming in is dressed like a emotion.

Well the party is going ...

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An old farming couple are lying in bed.

An old married couple who own a farm are lying in bed one night.

The old man starts playing with his wife's breasts and says, "Just think, honey. If you had any milk in these we could get rid of the cows."

Soon he works his way to her downstairs and starts touching her and says, "Just ...

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A man goes to see his urologist

about a problem he's having. "Well," says the doctor, "let's have a look at the little- Jesus Christ, that's quite the schlong you've got there!" - "Yeah, you see, it's 15 inches and scares the girls away. I'd really like to have it shortened by a few." The urologist contemplates the man's request s...

A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby.​

**"Look at the size of his pecker," says the man. "It's massive!"​**
**"Yes dear," says the woman. "But at least he's got your ears."**

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So I was dating this one blonde girl and decided that I was going to tan

So I was dating this blonde girl and decided that I was going to tan before we went to dinner that night. So I got out on my roof,fully nude, and laid out. While laying on my back, I accidentally fell asleep on the roof, causing me to get a BAD sunburn everywhere including my pecker. However, I didn...

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A small white guy is using the urinal when a large black man walks in to the bathroom..

The black guy starts using the urinal and the white guy takes a peak over and with astonishment asks the black guy "How did you get a pecker that big?!". The black guy rolls his eyes and half jokingly says "Well what you have to do is wrap a bunch of rubber bands around it and attach weights on the ...

My only good joke... my preacher mother told it to me

There was a birch tree and a beech tree in a meadow, and they hated each other. They were always trying one-up each other saying things like "My leaves are greener!" "My bark is tougher!" "I'm taller!" etc.

Well one day, a fine young sapling sprouted up in the meadow right between the birch t...

Father's day in the forest

Two middle aged trees, a beech and a birch, are standing in the forest one sunny day and spot a sapling off in the distance growing strong. They start arguing about whose son it must be. Hearing the commotion, a woodpecker flies over and after learning what they are arguing about agrees to investi...

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Penis enlargement NSFW (Long)

Paddy's wife complains to him that his penis is too small and doesn't satisfy her, so on a visit to the local pub, after a few pints, he seeks advice from Mick, who's a well-known ladies' man.

"Do what I do," says Mick. "As I go upstairs, I slap my pecker off the handrail with every step I ta...

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Why did the zoophile like to have sex with chickens?

He had a tiny pecker

Two trees in the forest are having a debate.

Two trees in the forest are having a debate. There's a sapling between them, and they're arguing over whose it is. The first tree says "It's a son of a beech." Second tree retorts "No way, it's a son of a birch!" Back and forth they go, until a woodpecker comes along and asks what all the fuss is ab...

The old lady's two plastic bags..

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic

garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in

awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling Ou...

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The Viking's Talent

A man sees a poster advertising a circus that says:

"World sensation: A viking cuts a walnut in half with his penis!"

He doesn't believe this, so he buys a ticket, goes to the show and there really is a viking who puts a walnut on the table, unzips his pants, pulls out his manhood ...

A guy sees a sheep...

A farmer sees a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. He thinks,"what the hell?" And goes and sticks his pecker in its mouth. His brother walks up, "what the hell ya doin?" Farmer says, "you wanna try?" Brother says, "hell yeah!" And sticks his head in the fence.

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Three guys are speeding down the road when they get pulled over.

A female cop gets out of the car and has them line up outside the car.

"Have you guys been drinking tonight?"

"Just a little, Ma'am." Says the driver.

"I'll tell you what", she says, "If you can show me 15 inches of cock I'll let you go."

The first guy pulls his pants dow...

Pat worked at a pickle factory.

Pat worked at a pickle factory, and Mike would always bet him that he wouldn't put his pecker into the pickle slicer. He would always decline and recuse to do it. One day, after ten years of hearing it every day, he finally took Mike up on his bet.
Later that day, Pat arrived home early and...

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