America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona

By keeping the first one going

If a stork is the bird that brings babies, then what is the bird that prevents babies?

A swallow

to prevent theft, the declaration of independence is now locked

in a nicolas cage

Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west

If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.

Only you can prevent narcissism

...and if anyone tells you otherwise, they're just jealous!

What bird helps prevent pregnancy ?

The Swallow

I can't wait to see the dim bulbs who are upset they have to wear a mask to prevent corona when...

...they find out what they have to wear to prevent the clap.

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Have you heard about the electric robot from Japan which is supposed to prevent domestic violence?

Batteries included.

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To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.

This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

What's the best way to prevent the second wave of the Coronavirus?

Not let the first one end.

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The results of a 3-year trial for a drug that prevents diabetes are in.

A scientist walks into his boss's office to brief him on the results.

"How did you conduct this study?" asked the boss,

"We gave a group of 300 participants our drug, at 3 doses a day, and another 300 a placebo. We then found the number of people in each group who had diabetes." replie...

Analysts are now predicting an exact worldwide repeat of the COVID-19 spread 18 months from now and there is nothing we can do to prevent it

It will be 2022.

I prevented two girls from being abducted today.

My van wouldn't start.

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

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Wife: All I’m saying is that vaccines are more dangerous then the diseases they prevent!

Husband: did you know that the skin your lips are made of is the same as your asshole?

Wife: What does that have to do with anything?!

Husband: Well, it explains why everything that comes out of your mouth is complete shit.

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. It concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. The...

How do you prevent someone from stealing your bagel?

You put lox on it!

"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.

"You need a bandana, not a banana!"

Another preventable Corona virus death

Wife: Did I get fat during the quarantine?
Husband: You were never really skinny.

Time of Death: May 3,2020 9:51pm
Cause of Death: Corona virus

A Titan captures 26 Spies of his enemies. Each Spy is given 2 names: They are numbered from 1-26 and are given the alphabet with respect to their numbers. He then proceeds to eat all but one to prevent information from leaking out (He executed that spy). Which spy and why?

Spy#3. He was Spy-C.

What’s the quickest way to prevent a man from drowning?

Shoot him in the face

What prevents Ali A from singing?

Anti Aliasing.

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Why aren't we using Tide to prevent sexual harassment?

After all, it deters gents.

How do you prevent someone from being killed on July 4th?

Kill them by July 3rd

Regular naps help to prevent old age

Especially if you take them while driving

Scientists just invented a new pill that prevents dehydration

All you have to do is take it twice a day with a glass of water

It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods

But it’s harder to deter gents

This guy just put a leaflet through my door about how to prevent Coronavirus.

It was so good that I chased him down and shook his hand.

Many news outlets don't name shooters anymore to prevent copycats...

Explains why we keep having so many hurricanes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to prevent idiots from hoarding toilet paper?

Call it corona paper.

I started a band called "Prevention"

We are better than The Cure.

To prevent spreading coronavirus, Aha's Morten Harket doesn't physically kiss people.

He just get close to them and says "moi,


which is a different take on me

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Seven Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Why did the flight attendant prevent the raven from boarding the plane?

He had too much carrion.

Suicide prevention line motto:

We never leave you hanging

How to prevent World War III.

Make Gabe Newell the president of the USA.

Why did the Romans bring bleach to Jesus’s crucifixion?

To prevent cross contamination.

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To prevent someone from saying you are gay, you say "no homo" so what do you say to prevent incest?

Roll Tide

Do you know what the best item to prevent Sasquatch attacks is?

A camera.

I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant...

But apparently it just changes the color of the baby

I Currently Teach a Class about Suicide

First Semester has been good so far, I Single Handedly Prevented the entire class from having suicidal thoughts or actually going through with it.

I Promised the class that I would do a suicide demonstration to show the perspective of a dead person. Ill be posting my experience in a few minut...

They just passed a new law preventing a spouse from harming individuals when they are caught cheating.

As they say, "If you can't beat them, join them."

Below is an ad that appeared in The Atalanta Journal.

Single black female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips; cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of ...

I went to a beer festival. In order to prevent myself from getting too drunk, I decided to follow the Chicago Bears' offensive game plan.

Three and out.

Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?

To prevent bat breathe.








Edit : it's breath (sorry for the typo)

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I'm trying to prevent a trip to see my in-laws in China from happening.

So I'll just say "Fuck the Chinese Government" right here.

That should do.

Friar's Flower Shop

Two brothers, Joey and Jimmy Bagadonuts, owned a flower shop in a small town in New Jersey, and business was great. They were the only game in town, until one day, two friars moved in across the street and opened their own flower shop. Having higher quality flowers, as well as the religious aspect, ...

A small town is constantly suffering catastrophic flooding when the nearby river crests...

The mayor puts out a solicitation for someone to offer a solution to this problem. Three men respond: a civil engineer, a chemist and a literary critic. They arrive to the town, and the civil engineer and the chemist go to the city hall to present their approaches, but the critic checks into a nearb...

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Masturbation may help prevent the common cold.

Hope so, I’ve got no tissues left.

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A young camel is walking around with its mother

He says: "Mom, why do we have two humps?" The mom thinks for a second and replies: "Well, my son, we use it to store fat. In the desert food can be quite scarce so the fat in our humps helps us survive."

After a few moments the little camel says: "Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?" Th...

A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...

“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr.

“I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man.

“Have you tried birth control?”

“I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!”

“Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?”

“I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!”

Confounde...

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My school had a assembly about preventing orgasms.

Nobody came

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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Have you heard about the guys who's alarm prevented him from having sex in his dream?

He got clock-blocked

I called the suicide prevention hotline in Iraq

They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck.

I finally got something that prevented my car from being robbed in America.

I bought a manual car.

on a nice summer evening, Paul, Jim and Harold went fishing at the lake.

Suddenly, Paul starts struggling and pulling.

"That's gotta be a big one!", he says.

With a strong tug, however, Paul is pulled from his feet and falls in.

After a minute, he hasn't resurfaced, leaving the other 2 men utterly confused.

"Maybe we should pull him out", Haro...

Obstacles Preventing A Happy Ever After

Tom: "When are you and your girlfriend getting married?"

Harry: "I would have a long time ago if it wasn't for her family!!"

Tom: "Her family?"

Harry: "Yes, her husband and three children."

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[NSFW] Two friends were hiking in the woods

As they're hiking a snake bites one of them in the balls Panicking the other friend ran to get help from a park ranger. He asks the ranger what to do. The ranger says you have to tie off the limb really tight to prevent the venom from circulating and suck the venom out of the bite. The guy runs back...

The Testicular Cancer Prevention Society called me to ask whether I received their email, and I said no.

They said, “Maybe you should check your junk.”

I called the Suicide helpline for assistance

Turns out they only help PREVENT suicide. Bah!

Thirty children dead after their school mandated they wear bulletproof vests to prevent shootings.

Swimming lessons should probably have been exempted.

I used to think that a vasectomy prevented you from having a kid

Turns out it just changes the color (:

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute-glass bowl sitt...

I had a band I'd call them "Prevention"

At least we'd always be better than The Cure.

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Bra Inventor

A scientist has invented a bra that keeps women’s breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.



"Women need not worry, we have killed that bastard"

First the first time in US history communication with the President has been completely lost.

>!The senate has been scrambling since the presidents ban from Twitter, as it’s unclear when the White House will resurface.!<



>!Edit: I don’t know how to prevent the post body from being visible from the subs main page. Also, thanks for sorting by new!<

One day in a small town, a man buys land right infront of a church

He decides to build a brothel there and when the priest and the other religious folk heard that, they strongly stood against the construction of the house of many sins. However, nobody could do anything because the land was not theirs and the man could legally build anything he wanted there.

...

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel from the Soviet Union.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official chuckle...

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A lonely man goes to the doctor for a stuttering problem that prevents him from talking to girls

The doctor agrees to do a full psychological and physical workup to find out whats wrong. After several test the doctor says to the patient "You won't believe this, but you've got a 15 inch penis and it's so big the weight of it puts tension on all the muscles in the center of your body right up to ...

Airport security agents do a great job preventing people smuggling bombs on their heads...

You've got to take your hat off to them.

How to prevent WW3

Just give valve the rights to 1 and 2.

If I got 1000 dollars every time I didn’t know if I had enough money on my card to prevent it from getting declined

It would never get declined again

If a girl is preventing you from reaching your goal,

then she's a keeper.

I don't know why the villains of Gotham City can't prevent Batman.

The answer is apparent.

You too can help prevent wild fires.

Just a friendly tip. Google your joke before you post it here. It will tell you when the last time it was posted to this sub. Help do your part to keep this sub trash fire free!

What do you do to prevent your violin from being stolen?

Put it in a viola case

they say that antibiotics prevent birth control from working

I don't know, I've taken antibiotics before and my personality still did its usual job

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How do you prevent family members from having sex with each other?

Use incesticide.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, she had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 2...

How can you prevent a food baby?

Always use a condiment.

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

So I started drinking a bottle of windex every morning....

I’m not sure that it helps prevent covid-19 but my underwear has definitely been cleaner, No more streaks!

I was being trained as a caller in a suicide prevention hotline...

...On my first day of training, my manager said;

"Let me show you the ropes!"

What do you call a Tide Pod that prevents war?

A nuclear detergent

Why are Nintendo players afraid of the fence?

Because it prevents animal crossing.

Doctor says banana is good for preventing constipation. It didn't work for me

...until I found out that he meant I should eat the banana.

Do not buy from monks

Do not buy flowers from monks

Only you can prevent Florist Friars

I really hope Donald Trump wins this election

Best way to prevent COVID-19 spreading at the inauguration

I prevented several horrible crimes today.

Good old self-control.

After building the wall, Trump to build an electromagnetic barrier to prevent foreign bees from entering the U.S. by sending waves that interfere with their communication.

Trump is strictly against Global Swarming

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does the law society expressly prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

... To prevent the possibility of clients being billed twice for essentially the same service.

How many astronauts does it take to screw a light bulb?

One but it will take several others to prevent the spacecraft from spinning in the same direction.

---

From my book *400 Fresh Clean Jokes For Everyone*.

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Doing your homework prevents embarrassment.

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up, indignant, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will...

A non-partisan election joke! Not Republican or Democrat

Since we're at the end of the presidential campaign, I figured some political humor might be in store. The following is a funny and true story shared with me by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School. In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be presid...

What has 125 teeth and prevents a savage beast from escaping?

My zipper.

I think my wife was sleeping with my boss so I changed jobs to prevent that from happening...

One of the perks of being self-employed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

COVID has brought the Stand-Up industry to a screeching halt,

but I once had to quit doing porn when I got HPV, so this isn't the first time a virus has prevented me from pursuing my dreams.

What's the #1 rule of kidnapping prevention?

Don't get carried away.

LPT: If you know somebody with dyslexia that uses public transport, offer to help them read their timetable to prevent any mixups.

Whoops, wrong bus.

Deep sleep prevents aging.

Especially when you are driving.

Yesterday, my grandpa bought a book called "how to prevent Alzheimer's disease"

He bought one today, too.

The only person responsible for dandruff prevention is you.

It falls on your shoulders.

Contradicting Coronavirus advice!

First, we hear alcohol may prevent the virus... now research suggests the opposite. Then we’re told heat and humidity has no effect, but wait... direct sunlight might quickly kill the virus. So, if you come across some elderly bloke, standing in the yard, intoxicated and naked, leave me alone... I’m...

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3 construction workers. (Long)

There were three construction workers building a hotel. One of them was Wei, another was Daniel and the other was Marcel. During lunch breaks, thr three would go to the top of the hotel and eat their lunch. Wei unpacked his lunched and exclaimed "Sushi! My favorite!", before digging into his lunch. ...

World War 1 could’ve been easily be prevented..

I mean, singing “Take me out” probably wasn’t Franz Ferdinand’s brightest idea.

As Covid19 winds down, another virus is spreading like wildfire

Covid19 may be winding down, but a brand new virus, the ID10t virus, is spreading like wildfire.
Symptoms of the ID10t virus include mental and comprehension issues. Symptoms include schitzophasia, a condition where words are misunderstood. A victim may hear or read a words like "baking soda" a...

How did the British prevent war with the Germans in 1938?

They wrote them a Czech.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Couple Owns the Only Florist Shop in a Small Town

Being a small town, they obviously have 100% of the business. One day, a group of friars opens up a competing shop on the other side of town. The couple aren't too worried though, as they make a comfortable living as is.

A month goes by though and the friars prices are so competitive that the...

I had an injection to prevent me from becoming Robin Hood.

Yeah, it was the MenInTightus Jab.

I called a suicide prevention line.

It connected me to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I felt suicidal and they asked if I could drive a truck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Suicide Prevention

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.
A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won’t matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?”
She screamed, “NO! Bug off you filthy old basta...

How do you prevent a wasp from using its stinger?

Steal all the crème de menthe from his country club.

I got scammed on eBay today

I ordered a pound of cure. Box they sent me only contained an ounce of prevention.

Condoms are like ear muffs.

They prevent a lot of noise.

[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o...

At least anti-vaxxer parents won't have to worry about the coronavirus

Their kids already died from preventable diseases years ago.

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