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Prevent Jokes

The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?

The swallow.

America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona

By keeping the first one going

It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods

But it’s harder to deter gents

Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west

If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.

There's a full proof way to prevent suicide

Push them, then it's homicide

How do you prevent a Summer cold?

Catch it in the Winter.

I was disappointed to find out a vasectomy doesn’t prevent you from getting your wife pregnant.

It just changes the color of the baby. :(

Covid prevention

Mrs Smith was in her eighties and very much admired for her sweet disposition and kindly ways to all. The carpet cleaner came by to perform the annual spring cleaning one afternoon and she welcomed him in for tea and cookies. After she excused herself to make preparations, the young carpet cleaner c...

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I've read Masturbation may help prevent the common cold

Really hope so, I've run out of tissues.

What do you call a girl who's preventing you from reaching your goal?

A keeper

What did cavemen use to prevent infections?

Paleosporin

How to prevent WW3

Just give valve the rights to 1 and 2.

A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...

“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr.

“I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man.

“Have you tried birth control?”

“I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!”

“Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?”

“I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!”

Confounde...

I called a suicide prevention line.

It connected me to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I felt suicidal and they asked if I could drive a truck.

I used to be in a band called The Prevention

We were better then The Cure, but nobody came to see us.

We should all stop studying to prevent global warming

Because everytime someone graduates, the world increases by a degree.

Smokey the Bear says "Only YOU can prevent wildfires!"

Half the world is burning right now.


*I hope you feel good about yourself.*

What’s the quickest way to prevent a man from drowning?

Shoot him in the face

Smoky Bear: Only YOU can prevent wildfires!

Two guys are talking about TV commercials. One of them says, “So, I saw this commercial the other day where a bear dressed as park ranger said that only I could prevent wildfires.”

The other guy replies, “Why, that two-timing liar! The other day he told me that _I_ was the only one who coul...

How do you prevent a morphine overdose?

Use lessphine.

How to prevent World War III.

Make Gabe Newell the president of the USA.

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A Welshman Invented the Condom when he Discovered he Could Wrap his Penis in Sheep Intestines to Prevent Pregnancy

A hundred years later a Scotsman perfected the idea by taking them out of the sheep first.

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Doing your homework prevents embarrassment.

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up, indignant, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will...

There's a hotel that still has an elevator operator, to prevent people from doing graffiti in it, or kids from jumping in it.

A man who's on vacation talks to the elevator guy whenever he rides the elevator, and they get to know each other pretty well.

When he's leaving the hotel at the end of his vacation, the elevator operator notices his suitcases and says "Goodbye son" and the man replies "you're not my father"...

Regular naps prevent ageing

Especially if taken while driving

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

Preventing childhood obesity is...

....as taking candy from a baby.

The Suicide prevention hotline in my country is truly a life saver.

I waited for a long time for them to pick up, I fell asleep and woke up without sucidal thoughts.

I called the suicide prevention hotline

They told me to hang on

Deep sleep prevents aging.

Especially when you are driving.

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To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.

This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

A short nap once in awhile can prevent old age

Especially while driving

What's the #1 rule of kidnapping prevention?

Don't get carried away.

Only you can prevent narcissism

...and if anyone tells you otherwise, they're just jealous!

Scientists just invented a new pill that prevents dehydration

All you have to do is take it twice a day with a glass of water

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There’s this new medicine that prevents you from contracting HIV from oral sex.

It’s called Meal PrEP

I prevented two girls from being abducted today.

My van wouldn't start.

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How do you prevent family members from having sex with each other?

Use incesticide.

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My school had a assembly about preventing orgasms.

Nobody came

What has 125 teeth and prevents a savage beast from escaping?

My zipper.

Another preventable Corona virus death

Wife: Did I get fat during the quarantine?
Husband: You were never really skinny.

Time of Death: May 3,2020 9:51pm
Cause of Death: Corona virus

Suicide prevention line motto:

We never leave you hanging

Storks bring babies, but do you know what type of birds prevent babies?

Swallows...

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[NSFW] Why does the bar association code of ethics prevent sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

How do you prevent someone from stealing your bagel?

You put lox on it!

I wonder if eating ants will prevent you from getting covid.

They got anty bodies

Pinocchio has a new girlfriend...

Pinocchio has a new girlfriend, but they're worried about becoming intimate because she doesn't want to get a bunch of splinters. So Pinocchio goes to Geppetto and asks for assistance with the problem. Geppetto suggests that Pinocchio apply a little bit of sandpaper to his privates prior to the in...

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How to prevent idiots from hoarding toilet paper?

Call it corona paper.

I was being trained as a caller in a suicide prevention hotline...

...On my first day of training, my manager said;

"Let me show you the ropes!"

If you call the suicide prevention line and they dont answer what you do?

You hang up

In class, a teacher asked her students what was something good that they did today

The first kid says "I gave money to a homeless man"

The second kid says "I helped my mom with the chores"

The third kid says "I helped an old lady cross the street"

The teacher was very impressed and had high hopes for the fourth kid

The fourth kid then says "I prevented ...

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Suicide Prevention

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.
A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won’t matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?”
She screamed, “NO! Bug off you filthy old basta...

How can you prevent a food baby?

Always use a condiment.

You too can help prevent wild fires.

Just a friendly tip. Google your joke before you post it here. It will tell you when the last time it was posted to this sub. Help do your part to keep this sub trash fire free!

A dying man wants to prevent his family from inheriting his wealth. So he entrusts the money to his three closest friends: a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.

He gives each friend an envelope with $1,000,000 in cash, and makes them all swear to bury the money with him when he dies. They all shake hands and solemnly agree.

A few months later the man dies, and the three friends place their envelopes in the casket.

Later, privately, the doctor...

Many news outlets don't name shooters anymore to prevent copycats...

Explains why we keep having so many hurricanes.

How do you prevent someone from being killed on July 4th?

Kill them by July 3rd

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

Obstacles Preventing A Happy Ever After

Tom: "When are you and your girlfriend getting married?"

Harry: "I would have a long time ago if it wasn't for her family!!"

Tom: "Her family?"

Harry: "Yes, her husband and three children."

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

To prevent spreading coronavirus, Aha's Morten Harket doesn't physically kiss people.

He just get close to them and says "moi,


which is a different take on me

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Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

Why did the flight attendant prevent the raven from boarding the plane?

He had too much carrion.

Today is National Suicide Prevention Day!

Funny how its right before 9/11

After major accidents with lots of preventable injuries, there’s always a wave of lawsuits.

The sue-nami.

What do you call a Tide Pod that prevents war?

A nuclear detergent

The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store.

But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new stars. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.

Do you know what the best item to prevent Sasquatch attacks is?

A camera.

they say that antibiotics prevent birth control from working

I don't know, I've taken antibiotics before and my personality still did its usual job

I prevented several horrible crimes today.

Good old self-control.

I used to think that a vasectomy prevented you from having a kid

Turns out it just changes the color (:

Preventing transmittable diseases.

Miss Beatrice,
the church organist,
was in her eighties
and had never married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room.
She invited him to have a
seat while sh...

Yesterday, my grandpa bought a book called "how to prevent Alzheimer's disease"

He bought one today, too.

They say drinking one beer a day can prevent you from having a psychotic break, which is great...

...I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

I had a band I'd call them "Prevention"

At least we'd always be better than The Cure.

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Have you heard about the electric robot from Japan which is supposed to prevent domestic violence?

Batteries included.

This guy just put a leaflet through my door about how to prevent Coronavirus.

It was so good that I chased him down and shook his hand.

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Wife: All I’m saying is that vaccines are more dangerous then the diseases they prevent!

Husband: did you know that the skin your lips are made of is the same as your asshole?

Wife: What does that have to do with anything?!

Husband: Well, it explains why everything that comes out of your mouth is complete shit.

The only person responsible for dandruff prevention is you.

It falls on your shoulders.

Doctor says banana is good for preventing constipation. It didn't work for me

...until I found out that he meant I should eat the banana.

What do you do to prevent your violin from being stolen?

Put it in a viola case

I finally got something that prevented my car from being robbed in America.

I bought a manual car.

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I'm trying to prevent a trip to see my in-laws in China from happening.

So I'll just say "Fuck the Chinese Government" right here.

That should do.

This Suicide Prevention message was brought to you in part by:

**Nike**

*"Just Do It"*

I think my wife was sleeping with my boss so I changed jobs to prevent that from happening...

One of the perks of being self-employed.

Tianjin's disaster could have been prevented...

After all, the experts have warned us that China's population might explode.

Thoughts and prayers are useless. Only action will prevent future tragedy.

We have only one choice to make sure there are no future school shootings:

Ban all schools.

How did the British prevent war with the Germans in 1938?

They wrote them a Czech.

How do you prevent a wasp from using its stinger?

Steal all the crème de menthe from his country club.

I've been googling "how to kill myself" and all that's showing up are suicide prevention sites

I'm like how is this good SEO?

World War 1 could’ve been easily be prevented..

I mean, singing “Take me out” probably wasn’t Franz Ferdinand’s brightest idea.

Thirty children dead after their school mandated they wear bulletproof vests to prevent shootings.

Swimming lessons should probably have been exempted.

I had an injection to prevent me from becoming Robin Hood.

Yeah, it was the MenInTightus Jab.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The results of a 3-year trial for a drug that prevents diabetes are in.

A scientist walks into his boss's office to brief him on the results.

"How did you conduct this study?" asked the boss,

"We gave a group of 300 participants our drug, at 3 doses a day, and another 300 a placebo. We then found the number of people in each group who had diabetes." replie...

My Teacher Always Prevented Me From Starting Each Word Of A Sentence With An Uppercase Letter ...

But She’s Not Here Now So I’m Going To Capitalize On This Opportunity.

Proventative measures for preventing disease from biting insects

Don't bite them.

Prayer can solve so many problems but manners can also prevent.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist tells him that condoms come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 & asks which ones he wanted.
“Well,” he says, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while now & she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s the night. We’re...

I can't wait to see the dim bulbs who are upset they have to wear a mask to prevent corona when...

...they find out what they have to wear to prevent the clap.

"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.

"You need a bandana, not a banana!"

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Have you heard about the guys who's alarm prevented him from having sex in his dream?

He got clock-blocked

If you want to prevent pregnancy use two condoms and...

Fill chille powder in between. If outer one breaks she will know if inner one breaks you will know..

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Since thongs are also known as butt floss

Does that mean they prevent anal cavities?

Airport security agents do a great job preventing people smuggling bombs on their heads...

You've got to take your hat off to them.

They just passed a new law preventing a spouse from harming individuals when they are caught cheating.

As they say, "If you can't beat them, join them."

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Two Conspiracy Theorists Die...

...as they stand before God waiting to be judged, God tells them that they each may ask him one question they have always wanted to be answered and he would answer it.

One of the conspiracy theorists steps forward and asks “who was REALLY behind 9/11?”

Before God can answer, the seco...

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My doctor asked me what I use to prevent Sexually Transmitted Diseases. . .

I said: my face.

I brought my girlfriend to watch one of my soccer matches. When an opponent was about to score a goal, she stormed the field and prevented it with her bare hands.

She's a keeper.

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