I lost an eye as a child when a large book fell from a shelf onto my face as I slept.

I hold no remorse though. Ironically the book that blinded me taught me the very path to justice that soothed my anger.

Good old bble.

Roses are Red, you can set them on a shelf,

Just a friendly reminder, Epstein didn't kill himself .

Ikea shelf

Two guys are building shelfs for the others mom. After they’re finished, the other guys’ mom comes in and says: ”You managed to build them this fast? You guys should be proud of yourshelfs”

So I went in the butchers and he said " I bet you can't reach those two pieces of meat up on that high shelf" I answered "I don't bet" "Why" he asked...

"The stakes are too high"

I drove to my local church to donate cheese to their food shelf.

Jesus take the wheel.

You've heard of Elf on a Shelf, but have you heard...

Jeffrey Epstein definitely didn't kill himself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church

The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.

You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.

" The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?...

Have you heard about the ghost who can’t reach the top shelf

He could really use a boo st.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Screw

A man, tired after a long day's work, walks into a bar. He doesn't see any menus, signage, or anything to indicate a price for the products behind the bar. So, he asks the bartender. "How much for a beer?"

The bartender looks to the ceiling for a moment, before replying. "One dollar and it co...

A man grabs a case of beer off the store shelf...

His wife stops him and asks "What do you think you're doing?" The man responds "It's a 24 pack on sale for $10. That's a great deal." His wife tells him they can't afford it and to put it back. A little while later the wife grabs a $20 jar of skin cream off the shelf. The man stops her and asks "Wha...

As I walked into my library, a book fell on my head.

I only blame my shelf.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

Why do we say food has an expiration date?

Really, we should be saying it’s shelf conscious.

A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar.

They talk, they really hit it off, they end up leaving together.


They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on...

My Dad installed a shelf in the wall of the shower today. It's nice, but it wont appeal to everyone

It's a bit niche

A man died when a pile of books fell on him

He only had his shelf to blame

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Voodoo dick

Husband and wife love to have crazy intense sex. Husband tells wife he is going on a business trip and will be back in a week. Wife says hell no what am I supposed to do without you being here “I need that D”. Husbands says ok I will go buy you a dildo.

Husband goes to a sex shop. Haitian wo...

Three military wives were at the base PX in Fort Hood fighting over the last toaster on the shelf. The first one says "My husband came back from Afghanistan with a Purple Heart and a Bronze Star. I deserve it."

The second one says "No. My husband came back from Afghanistan with a Purple Heart, a Bronze Star, and the Congressional Medal of Honor. I deserve it."

The third one says "Well, my husband came back from Afghanistan in a body bag. NOW GET YOUR MITTS OFF THAT TOASTER!"

Donald Trump is like top shelf vodka

Expensive, Transparent, and wouldn't be here if not for Russia.

Elephant jokes

How do you put four elephants in a Cadillac?

Two in the front and two in the back

How to put a hippo in a Cadillac?

Throw out one of the elephants

How to you put three elephants in the fridge?

Remove the elfs from the top and bottom shelfs, put one on the top shelf...

Did you know that Rick Astley is actually a very generous person and an extensive movie collector?

It's true! He'll actually let you have just about any movie in his collection, with only one exception: The Disney/Pixar movie "Up." This particular movie is a favorite of his and he keeps it on a shelf so high that you actually have to get a ladder and climb it just to reach the movie. Be carefu...

I was going to nail a shelf to my wall, but then I thought...

Screw it!

Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him..

His maid rushed to the scene and asked " are you alright, sir ?"

Sean : "it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame ."

I got home after a stressful and demotivating day to find my wife moving my whisky collection up to a high shelf.

I can always rely on her to lift my spirits.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been doing a lot of DIY recently

But I have a hard time trusting anything to stay up;
My therapist says I have major shelf-confidence issues.

How do you know if a Redditor has been in your fridge?

Everything's been moved down one shelf and all your karmabonara has gone!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Nazi walks into a bar...

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.
Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy walks into a bar...

After a week's worth of riding a lone cowboy walks into a bar which was known to pick on new people. He has a few drinks, chats with the locals and a few hours pass.

When he walks outside he notices his horse is no where to be seen, surely the locals have moved it. So he walks into the bar an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pussy and Bitch

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."

She says, "Tell me."

He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand.

She asks him what they are?

He says, "Well, pussy and bitch."

She says, "Oh that's no bi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Curious cashier

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wife was nagging me for ages to put a shelf up in the front room, but as I am shit at DIY I thought that I should get some advice.

So I went to the library and asked the woman there, "do you have any books on shelves?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy tells hours wife he's going out for cigarettes...

He gets his smokes and waiting to pay when the woman in front of him turns and says, "I just broke up with my boyfriend...I could use some company..."
The dude mulls it over and decides to go home with her. They have sex and he falls asleep... At 3AM, he wakes in a panic knowing his wife is going...

A single mother in front of me at the store came up short for her groceries because her food stamps ran out. I've been in that situation before so I figured I'd help her out.

God knows there were a LOT of groceries, but I helped her put every item back on the shelf.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old half deaf husband is watching TV with the wife.They are watching the DYI network on home repair.

Every time the wife gets up he flips it to the porn channel not realizing she can hear and flips it back as she comes back to the room. This goes on for a few cycles till she comes back from the kitchen and yells at him, Oh for gods sake bob just leave it on the porn...you already know how to hang a...

Why should you never store meat on the top shelf of the freezer?

The steaks would be too high.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men go to Kmart to buy condoms..

...the first one is 75 years old. He asks one of the clerks which aisle the condoms can be found. She tells him Aisle 5. When he gets to Aisle 5 he sees another clerk, a very attractive female, putting boxes of condoms on the shelf. She asks him if she can help him. He explains he would like to buy ...

I went to a new butcher's today with my wife...

And the butcher propositioned me: "If you can grab all the meat off the top shelf in 10 seconds, you'll get it all for free! However if you fail, I get to spend the night with your wife!"

I looked at the meat and I thought about it for a moment then replied: "I'd like to try but I just can't....

I’ve developed a new medicine to help people sleep at night. It works better than normal off the shelf brands. Small pills taken with a liquid and there’s no harsh taste or smell.

I’m calling them “Pill Cosbys”.

Whats the Jewish version of Elf on a Shelf

Mensch on a bench

A woman meets Syd the Stud in a bar.

They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hund...

*At the library*

“Do you have a book about the discrimination of dwarves?”

“Left corner, on the top shelf!”

My son was driving me mad. "Dad!" he yelled. "I can't get the book down from the shelf!"

I said, "Knock it off."

I will for the teapot

Mick was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary to the hardware

store.

At the hardware store Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe to

finish serving a customer.

When Joe was finished, Mary asked, “How much...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy demands from the bartender a 40-year old scotch...

The bartender pours him a glass.

After a drink, the man replies, “That was terrible Scotch and you know it. I want *40-year old* Scotch.”

The bartender pours him another glass.

After another drink, the man replies, “That was only 10-year old Scotch. I want *40-year old* Scotch...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Polish husband

A  Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. 
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. 

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circu...

I'm pretty sure somebody hid the final paragraph of my essay on the shelf I can't reach

but I don't want to jump to conclusions

Lately I've noticed a strange fascination shared by everybody that comes over to my house. They can't seem to get enough of this one Stephen King book I have on my shelf.

I guess it's true what they say; company loves Misery.

A bookcase I built just collapsed

I have only my shelf to blame.

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brillia...

What did the biscuit say when he fell off the shelf?

Oh Crumbs

Why don't people sympathize when your books fall onto the floor?

Because you only have your shelf to blame.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alexa: I need sex.



**Husband:** Hey Alexa, I need sex.

**Alexa :** most certainly... you Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 degrees.

The Viagra is kept on top right shelf of your wardrobe. The vagina gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favourite Thai massager...

Hi guys I just picked up some new Jordans!

Then i saw the price tag and put them back on the shelf

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms.

He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.


Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.


The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the d...

My great uncle Chuck started the elf on a shelf tradition.

Well, actually, he was a drunk on a bunk, but we toned it down for the kids.

A woman decides to go home with a guy she met at a club one night

He's tall, tanned, strikingly handsome, and seems different than most other guys she meets.

Upon arrival at his place they head straight to the bedroom where she can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears.

On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle shelf are medium-siz...

It was a rough day when the shelf collapsed at the gun shop..

The stocks plummeted..

I bought a shelf at Ikea.

Took me all day to put the Fjälkinge thing together.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny is hanging out with the older kids at school

When one of them starts talking about his ex girlfriend and calls her a cunt.

Little Johnny has never heard that word before.

Later at home, he tells his mother about the older kid calling his ex girlfriend a cunt. Johnny asks his mom, what is a cunt?

Little Johnny's mother does...

I recently thought about stealing from the food shelf...

But the steaks were too high.

Two girls weent for a smoke

Did you hear about the two mormon girls who went to beach to smoke a cigarette away from the watchful eye of their parents? One had never smoked before, and was surprised to see her friend pull two cigarettes out of a condom, where she had them kept away. Her friend explained this was the best way t...

My neighbor accused me of stalking her.

If you ask me, that's a pretty bold allegation for someone without a single book about law on the shelf.

Why is top-shelf beef such a risky investment?

Because the steaks are so high.

An old cowboy

walks into a barbershop in Dillon, Montana for a
shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little
wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to sp...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife shouted at me to go out and find her some tampons, quick!

So, I sprinted to the car, paced down the street, rushed into the store, frantically looking down each aisle until I finally got to the tampons, hurried back to my car and raced home as fast as I could! I burst in through the front door, ran up the stairs, slammed open the bathroom door and shouted,...

I was in a building fire with Sean Connery...

I got third degree burns wondering why he told me shave my shelf...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(nsfw) Once upon a time, a man gets married to a beautiful buxom bombshell.

This woman has an incredibly high sex drive, and he can barely satisfy her at the rate she needs.

He gets ready to go on a business trip and wants to get something to keep her occupied in the meantime, so he goes to a local sex shop.

He asks the guy at the counter "what's the most hig...

David and Shane worked for a small furniture company which had recently developed a new product.

They had been developing a new kind of smart shelf, and it was finally finished. This shelf had everything! Part of it featured a built in wireless charger, there were USB ports, part of it could flip up to reveal a screen which could be used as digital picture frame as well as had access to YouTube...

A little girl was walking on a frozen lake when she saw a wolf who had fallen in a hole in the ice and was drowing.

The girl, having a pure heart, runs to it, kneels down, plunges her arms in the icy water, grabs the wolf's tail at the very last moment and pulls, pulls, pulls until she manages to bring the poor animal back on the ice shelf.



At that moment, the wolf changes into a prince. The girl b...

Note to shelf:

Thanks for keeping my stuff off the floor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not the top shelf

So, the story goes that my (admittedly funny) ex boyfriend met a very attractive lady back in 1992 who worked at a large amusement park, as a stall holder of the type with the guns and the targets and the huge adult size cuddly bears on the top prize shelf. You know the kind, right?

However s...

What did the unstable cabinet say to his friends?

“I need you to save me from my shelf.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guys, after years of a sexless and loveless marriage I’m finally getting divorced. She’s keeping the house and furniture. But ever since I moved into my own place I’ve been screwing almost every night.

I screwed together the TV stand, I screwed together the book shelf, I screwed together a computer desk, nightstand, dining room table, benches and chairs, etc. I just keep screwing. Thanks IKEA!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and orders two shots of top shelf Whiskey ...

The bartender starts pouring them out.


And as soon as they're poured the man starts throwing them back.


"Easy there" the bartender says, "those are $100 a piece, what's the occasion?"


Guy replies "My first blowjob!"


Bartender says "Oh well in that case hav...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman go out for dinner. They have a great time and decide to go back to her apartment.

Since this is his first time in the apartment, the woman decides to give him a tour. They go throughout the apartment and the tour ends in the bedroom. When in the bedroom the man notices that there are 3 shelves filled with stuffed animals on the wall. The top shelf has itty bitty animals. The midd...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I don't like drama," my ex told me.

Right, bitch has a whole shelf of Shakespeare.

A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store

He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk"

He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"

The New Market on the Corner

A new market opened up in Bill's neighborhood, so he decided to go down and see what they had for sale.

Inside appeared to be different produce stands, but, strangely, all he saw were bakery stuffs on the shelves. One was covered in pies and labeled "Pineapple Pies - $2/lb." Another was cover...

Husband and wife are mounting a shelf

Husband says "I think I'll just use two screws. It'll hold up."

Wife: "Don't you see there are three holes? That means you should use three screws"

Husband: "I'll definitely remind you about that tonight"

A man walks into a bar

"I'll have tequila please"

Woman sitting next to him: "It's on me"

"No, its on the shelf. Pretty weird thing to lie about."

Two old ladies that lived in a nursing home always went out to smoke a cigarette under a shade tree once a day.

One day it was raining when the ladies went out to smoke.

One of the ladies pulls out a condom and puts it over her cigarette.

The first lady says, “What are you doing? What’s the condom for?”

The second lady responds, “It keeps the cigarette dry when it it’s raining.”

So...

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer...

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives hi...

The Broccoli Joke

A woman goes to a super market with her grocery list. On the list is broccoli so she goes to the produce aisle, but to her dismay there was no broccoli to be found. So she finds an employee stacking shelves and asks the guy where she could find some broccoli. The guy tells her that they were current...

Where does the ocean store its stuff?

On the Continental shelf.

Did you hear about that librarian who bumped her head?

She had no one to blame but her shelf.

My butcher's assistant is a little person. I tried to bet him he couldn't sell me one of his top-shelf filets.

"No bet," he said. "The steaks are too high."

What section would a defective cabinet look for in a library?

Shelf help

A Carnival worker and a woman get married

The couple, being good Christians never have relations until their wedding night. As the woman ends up finally seeing the Carney’s room, notices that he has shelves and shelves of stuffed animals.

They finally do the deed. As they are laying there exasperated, she, panting, asks her husband ...

Two yogurts are sitting on a shelf...

One yogurt starts talking about art, so the other turns and says, "wow, you sure are cultured."

Why did the Cupboard learn Karate?

for Shelf-Defense

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

A bunch of books fell on my head last night

I was pretty mad but I guess I've only got my shelf to blame.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I first became an Ancap.....

>When I first became an Ancap, I was just an unemployed high schooler who had never worked a labor job in his entire life. I had that whole "welfare recipients are parasites, just pull yourself up by your bootstraps, forcing people to subsidize your shitty life choices is morally wrong, nobody is...

I woke up this morning to find my books scattered all over the floor.

I’ve only my shelf to blame.

A guy passes a store selling cheap trinkets from around the world

A small figurine in the window catches his eye. It's a little rabbit with a mallet getting ready to hit some mochi. The man recognises this as the rabbit in the moon from the story and decides he really likes it. He goes inside and asks the sales clerk about the price.

Upon hearing the price,...

3 boys go into the candy store

The first one asks for a dollar's worth of jelly beans. The jelly beans are in a jar high up on a shelf, so the candy man has to get out a ladder, climb up the ladder, take the jar down, count the jelly beans, climb back up the ladder, and put the jar back on the shelf. The 2nd boy says, "I'd also l...

Why was the dictionary on the top shelf more expensive than the one on the bottom...

Because it was a higher definition

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a library and asks for a book about female orgasm.

The librarian points towards shelf G and says, "That's the spot where you'll find it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] Lori was assistant manager at the Sex Shoppe, and had been for a long time wondering, when do I get my shot at being Manager?

One day, her boss, the owner, said, “Lori, I have to go on a business trip for the weekend. You’re in charge. Let’s see how you handle it. You know the business well enough. Just remember, the new dildo line goes on sale Saturday. That’s $25 for the white dildos, and $50 for the black dildos.”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I put a suction cup dildo on my bookcase for my wife

She slapped me and said "You can go fuck your shelf".

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.