A man grabs a case of beer off the store shelf...

His wife stops him and asks "What do you think you're doing?" The man responds "It's a 24 pack on sale for $10. That's a great deal." His wife tells him they can't afford it and to put it back. A little while later the wife grabs a $20 jar of skin cream off the shelf. The man stops her and asks "Wha...

Have you heard about the ghost who can’t reach the top shelf

He could really use a boo st.

What did the butcher say to the customer who wanted meat that was waaaay up on the top shelf?

Sorry but the steaks are too high.

Three military wives were at the base PX in Fort Hood fighting over the last toaster on the shelf. The first one says "My husband came back from Afghanistan with a Purple Heart and a Bronze Star. I deserve it."

The second one says "No. My husband came back from Afghanistan with a Purple Heart, a Bronze Star, and the Congressional Medal of Honor. I deserve it."

The third one says "Well, my husband came back from Afghanistan in a body bag. NOW GET YOUR MITTS OFF THAT TOASTER!"

A woman decides to go home with a guy she met at a club one night

He's tall, tanned, strikingly handsome, and seems different than most other guys she meets.

Upon arrival at his place they head straight to the bedroom where she can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears.

On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle shelf are medium-siz...

I was going to nail a shelf to my wall, but then I thought...

Screw it!

I got home after a stressful and demotivating day to find my wife moving my whisky collection up to a high shelf.

I can always rely on her to lift my spirits.

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddybears.

There are three shelves in...

Donald Trump is like top shelf vodka

Expensive, Transparent, and wouldn't be here if not for Russia.

I’ve developed a new medicine to help people sleep at night. It works better than normal off the shelf brands. Small pills taken with a liquid and there’s no harsh taste or smell.

I’m calling them “Pill Cosbys”.

There are two bad-for-you items on the shelf disguised as health food.

One looks at the other and says "act natural".

I'm pretty sure somebody hid the final paragraph of my essay on the shelf I can't reach

but I don't want to jump to conclusions

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The wife was nagging me for ages to put a shelf up in the front room, but as I am shit at DIY I thought that I should get some advice.

So I went to the library and asked the woman there, "do you have any books on shelves?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Everyone knows elf on the shelf,

But who's gonna step up and put chili on their willy?

Did you hear about that librarian who bumped her head?

She had no one to blame but her shelf.

A man died today when a pile of books fell on him.!!!

He only had his shelf to blame.,,,,

My son was driving me mad. "Dad!" he yelled. "I can't get the book down from the shelf!"

I said, "Knock it off."

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books...

But he's only got his shelf to blame.

Lately I've noticed a strange fascination shared by everybody that comes over to my house. They can't seem to get enough of this one Stephen King book I have on my shelf.

I guess it's true what they say; company loves Misery.

What did the biscuit say when he fell off the shelf?

Oh Crumbs

My great uncle Chuck started the elf on a shelf tradition.

Well, actually, he was a drunk on a bunk, but we toned it down for the kids.

It was a rough day when the shelf collapsed at the gun shop..

The stocks plummeted..

I bought a shelf at Ikea.

Took me all day to put the Fjälkinge thing together.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any Disney movie from his shelf except one...

He's never gonna give you Up.

Whats the Jewish version of Elf on a Shelf

Mensch on a bench

Books keep falling on my head....

I've only got myshelf to blame

I recently thought about stealing from the food shelf...

But the steaks were too high.

Note to shelf:

Thanks for keeping my stuff off the floor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Not the top shelf

So, the story goes that my (admittedly funny) ex boyfriend met a very attractive lady back in 1992 who worked at a large amusement park, as a stall holder of the type with the guns and the targets and the huge adult size cuddly bears on the top prize shelf. You know the kind, right?

However s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and orders two shots of top shelf Whiskey ...

The bartender starts pouring them out.


And as soon as they're poured the man starts throwing them back.


"Easy there" the bartender says, "those are $100 a piece, what's the occasion?"


Guy replies "My first blowjob!"


Bartender says "Oh well in that case hav...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Nazi walks into a bar

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a na...

Husband and wife are mounting a shelf

Husband says "I think I'll just use two screws. It'll hold up."

Wife: "Don't you see there are three holes? That means you should use three screws"

Husband: "I'll definitely remind you about that tonight"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Stoner Joke. Three Men Died and Went to Hell Where They Met the Devil. (Warning! Long one)

Three men died and went to hell where they met the Devil. The Devil told them that they had sinned in life and therefore had to spend the next 666 years in hell to atone for their sins. However, since the Devil wasn't entirely merciless, he would let them choose for themselves how they were going to...

Why is top-shelf beef such a risky investment?

Because the steaks are so high.

If Sean Connery starred in Interstellar...

He'd tell Murph to stop talking to her shelf.

My butcher's assistant is a little person. I tried to bet him he couldn't sell me one of his top-shelf filets.

"No bet," he said. "The steaks are too high."

Two yogurts are sitting on a shelf...

One yogurt starts talking about art, so the other turns and says, "wow, you sure are cultured."

Two girls weent for a smoke

Did you hear about the two mormon girls who went to beach to smoke a cigarette away from the watchful eye of their parents? One had never smoked before, and was surprised to see her friend pull two cigarettes out of a condom, where she had them kept away. Her friend explained this was the best way t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The definition of cruelty is..

..putting the dwarf porn on the top shelf.

Why was the dictionary on the top shelf more expensive than the one on the bottom...

Because it was a higher definition

A man walks into a bar

"I'll have tequila please"

Woman sitting next to him: "It's on me"

"No, its on the shelf. Pretty weird thing to lie about."

An old cowboy

walks into a barbershop in Dillon, Montana for a
shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little
wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to sp...

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brillia...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Polish husband

A  Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. 
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. 

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and a woman go out for dinner. They have a great time and decide to go back to her apartment.

Since this is his first time in the apartment, the woman decides to give him a tour. They go throughout the apartment and the tour ends in the bedroom. When in the bedroom the man notices that there are 3 shelves filled with stuffed animals on the wall. The top shelf has itty bitty animals. The midd...

The New Market on the Corner

A new market opened up in Bill's neighborhood, so he decided to go down and see what they had for sale.

Inside appeared to be different produce stands, but, strangely, all he saw were bakery stuffs on the shelves. One was covered in pies and labeled "Pineapple Pies - $2/lb." Another was cover...

The Broccoli Joke

A woman goes to a super market with her grocery list. On the list is broccoli so she goes to the produce aisle, but to her dismay there was no broccoli to be found. So she finds an employee stacking shelves and asks the guy where she could find some broccoli. The guy tells her that they were current...

A Carnival worker and a woman get married

The couple, being good Christians never have relations until their wedding night. As the woman ends up finally seeing the Carney’s room, notices that he has shelves and shelves of stuffed animals.

They finally do the deed. As they are laying there exasperated, she, panting, asks her husband ...

Why did the Cupboard learn Karate?

for Shelf-Defense

Where does the ocean store its stuff?

On the Continental shelf.

Two old ladies that lived in a nursing home always went out to smoke a cigarette under a shade tree once a day.

One day it was raining when the ladies went out to smoke.

One of the ladies pulls out a condom and puts it over her cigarette.

The first lady says, “What are you doing? What’s the condom for?”

The second lady responds, “It keeps the cigarette dry when it it’s raining.”

So...

What section would a defective cabinet look for in a library?

Shelf help

A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store

He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk"

He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"

A guy passes a store selling cheap trinkets from around the world

A small figurine in the window catches his eye. It's a little rabbit with a mallet getting ready to hit some mochi. The man recognises this as the rabbit in the moon from the story and decides he really likes it. He goes inside and asks the sales clerk about the price.

Upon hearing the price,...

A bunch of books fell on my head last night

I was pretty mad but I guess I've only got my shelf to blame.

My wife shouted at me to go out and find her some tampons, quick!

So, I sprinted to the car, paced down the street, rushed into the store, frantically looking down each aisle until I finally got to the tampons, hurried back to my car and raced home as fast as I could! I burst in through the front door, ran up the stairs, slammed open the bathroom door and shouted,...

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer...

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives hi...

Haha

So a guy walks into a butcher shop and asks what piece of meat he should get. The butcher points out a cut on the top shelf and says: “I will pay you ten dollars if you can jump up and touch that.”

The man says: “No. The steaks are too high.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

I woke up this morning to find my books scattered all over the floor.

I’ve only my shelf to blame.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A new husband store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in London where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Porno Salesman

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it? "
The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees.

So, the guy is there by himself for a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a library and asks for a book about female orgasm.

The librarian points towards shelf G and says, "That's the spot where you'll find it."

A spider fell on Sean Connery and bit him.

He told his doctor, "I have only my shelf to blame"

3 boys go into the candy store

The first one asks for a dollar's worth of jelly beans. The jelly beans are in a jar high up on a shelf, so the candy man has to get out a ladder, climb up the ladder, take the jar down, count the jelly beans, climb back up the ladder, and put the jar back on the shelf. The 2nd boy says, "I'd also l...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I put a suction cup dildo on my bookcase for my wife

She slapped me and said "You can go fuck your shelf".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I first became an Ancap.....

>When I first became an Ancap, I was just an unemployed high schooler who had never worked a labor job in his entire life. I had that whole "welfare recipients are parasites, just pull yourself up by your bootstraps, forcing people to subsidize your shitty life choices is morally wrong, nobody is...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long] Lori was assistant manager at the Sex Shoppe, and had been for a long time wondering, when do I get my shot at being Manager?

One day, her boss, the owner, said, “Lori, I have to go on a business trip for the weekend. You’re in charge. Let’s see how you handle it. You know the business well enough. Just remember, the new dildo line goes on sale Saturday. That’s $25 for the white dildos, and $50 for the black dildos.”
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is sitting alone at a bar.

Suddenly, a _very_ sexy girl comes up to him and asks him if he'd like to come home with her. The guy, not usually very lucky with women, does not think twice about it and goes home with her.

When they arrive at the girl's apartment, he notices four shelves filled with teddy bears in differen...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Short summaries of our favourite movies:

A little green guy convinces a young man to kill his father ("Star Wars")

A group of people returns a lost jewel in 9 hours ("The Lord of the Rings")

The newly-started young artist's career goes to the bottom ("Titanic")

White skinhead forces black people to kill dwarfs ("The Ho...

[Possibly OC] Objectifying women has been going on since mythical times.

For example, in Greek mythology, a female elf was called a Shelf.

Don’t ask me why your Ikea furniture isn’t holding up..

..you only have your shelf to blame

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The assassin

An assassin walks into a gun store one day and tells the owner “I need the best scope that you have, I don’t care about the price we can talk about it later I just want to see the best you have.” So the owner goes into the back and comes back out and shows the scope to the assassin and says “This is...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church

The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day at a sex shop.

A brunette comes in and asks “How much for your black dildos?”

The guy says “30 bucks”

“And how much for your white dildos?” asks the lady.

Again the man says “30 bucks for the black and 30 bucks for the white”

So she takes the black one and leaves.

A while later a...

A Hobo/Tramp walks into a hardware store and asks for a bottle of methylated spirits

The cashier refuses to sell it to him, ‘you’ll just drink it! It’s terrible and will kill you, I’m not selling you this!’

‘I promise I won’t, honest to God I won’t drink it!’ Says the hobo.

‘Ok, I’ll sell it to you, but no drinking it!’

‘Thanks!’ Says the Hobo as the cashier rea...

A police officer knocks on a man's door.

The officer asks, "Is this the Sorkin residence?" The man nods.
"May I see a picture of your wife?" The man hands the officer a picture off a shelf.
The officer sighs, "It looks like she was hit by a train."
" I know, but she's such a nice lady and an excellent cook!"

I just bought 27 books

I don't have any shelf control.

A chappy was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge,

so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.

At the hardware store, while waiting her turn, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf .

When Joe was finished, Mary asked, "How much for the teapot?"

Joe replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that su...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] [Long] His first blowjob

A guy walks into a bar and orders a bottle of "the strong stuff". Bartender grabs a bottle of rum off the top shelf and says, "This is some rather expensive stuff. What's the occasion?" Man replies with three words, "My first blowjob."

The bartender exclaims with excitement, "Oh, congratulati...

There was once a robot whose job it was to organize all the shelves of a massive library that had thousands of books. Every day he did his job without missing a beat. One day though, he didn’t show up to work. The librarians were all perplexed that a robot would do something like that...

Turns out he had become shelf aware.

I told Sean Connery about how I was crushed by a pile of books.

He said 'you've only got your shelf to blame'.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Cat Food

A man walks into a supermarket to buy some cat food. He goes into the checkout counter with his can of Fancy Feast in hand.


To his surprise the clerk asks him, "Do you own a cat?" He replies "Of course I do." The clerk responds "Well I'm sorry, if I can't see or touch the cat I can't se...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three couples want to join a church

Three couples want to join a church, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple, and newlyweds. They’re in a meeting with the pastor and he tells them that if they want to join, they need to abstain from sex for 2 weeks to prove their devotion to the church.

Two weeks go by, and the couples mee...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar in Manchester

He orders a drink and sits down on a barstool. He notices a large, clear, plastic box on a shelf behind the bar with £20 notes stuffed into it.

He asks the barmaid “Ey love, what’s that box there for?”. She replies “Ah, that’s the 3 part pub challenge!”

Intrigued, the man asks her to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm never going grocery shopping again!

I was at the grocery store yesterday picking up some ingredients to make breakfast for the week. I already had a few essentials picked out like milk, eggs, and bacon. Yes, bacon is an essential. I moved to the cereal aisle but got stuck deciding between Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Fruity Pebbles, whic...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk walks into a bar he's never been in before...

He sees an enormous pickle jar on the top shelf that is overflowing with $100 bills. He asks the bartender for a beer and a shot, and decides to ignore it. Six drinks in, curiosity gets the best of him.
"Wuz, uh... what's wilth the jar o' money?"
The bartender replies that there is a $100 buy ...

Trying to impress a girl.

Today as a joke I went to a whole foods store. It is certainly the strangest place you might ever see. I was thinking I might make a joke about the place but instead I saw the most beautiful woman of my dreams! She was a clear 10. I walked up to her and began to introduce myself and to impress her I...

Chemistry joke.

A Chinese chemist took part in a chef competition in UK. His English was barely passable during the presentations, but his cooking skills were great, and he went on qualifying. In the last round, he got tied with another contestant for the first place. So an innovative tie-breaker was devised. Each ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bartender who just went broke decides to open a medical clinic.

He puts a sign outside the clinic-" I will cure anything for the price of $20, and I'll pay you back $50 if I fail."

A medic thinks that he can outsmart the bartender wants the $50, so he goes to the clinic.

The medic tells the bartender he had lost his sense of taste, to which the bar...

Heard this gem from a coworker yesterday

A man and his wife are out grocery shopping when the husband stops in beer section and gets a 24-pack for $10.

The husband puts the 24-pack in the cart and his wife stops him and say "We can't get that, we have to stick to the budget!" so he puts it back on the shelf.

Later on the wife...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So this black kid was playing in the kitchen right..

He accidentally knocked a bag of flour off the shelf and it went all over him.

His mom came in the kitchen and he decided to make a joke of it. "Look Mom, I'm white!" he said.

His mom slapped him across the cheek. "I can't believe you just said that boy, go tell your father what you j...

A man is walking through the grocery store, and puts a case of beer in his cart

His wife says: “you don’t need that. Put that back.”
The husband says: “Yes, dear,” and puts the case of beer back on the shelf.
Later, the wife picks up a container from the cosmetics aisle and puts it in the cart.
“What is this?” The husband asks.
“It’s face cream. I wear it so I can l...

I have a condition; Whenever I look at books of any kind...

I want to touch my shelf...

A muscular man walks into the bar with a tiny ragged doll

"What can I get you?" asks the bartender.
“A whiskey, neat, keep it coming” orders the muscular man.
One drinks after another, the bartender finally gathers the courage to ask.
"Why did you carry that tiny ragged doll around?
No offence sir, but one would normally assume it’s not yours...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two old aged guys, one 70 and one 75, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 75-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 70-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 75-year-old said, "well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have g...

I saw a man at the grocery store flinging slices of American cheese into the air.

He then started chugging cartons of milk right off the shelf.

After that he started smashing containers of yogurt open on his forehead.

It was shocking. All I could think was “how dare he!”