Why is the calculator a man's best friend?

Because you can always count on it.

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How do you get a calculator mad?

By pushing it's buttons!

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The minus button is missing from my calculator.

I guess it won't make any difference.

If my calculator had a history,

it would be more embarrassing than my browser history :P

My calculator broke again, but I'm not surprised

In fact, I was counting on it.

I can’t understand why my calculator just stopped working.

It just doesn’t add up.

Why was the calculator up for a week straight?

It was doing math.

Do you know the difference between my old friends and a calculator?

For the calculator at least I can still count on it.

Me: It couldn’t have been me. I was out buying a calculator the night of the murder.

Detective: Well that adds up.

What is faster than a calculator?

A Calcu-now.

Why did the Calculus Teacher take the student's calculator away?

He was viewing graphic material

One day at school the lad who sat next to me swallowed his calculator. I stood up for him when everyone else said he was a weirdo. I told them, "He may be a bit weird,

but it's what's inside him that counts!"

Three "facts" school taught me that turned out to be false

1. Pluto is a planet
2. You won't always have a calculator in your pocket
3. Girls don't like having their hair pulled

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a "slide-rule"  as well as a code device called an "abacus" that he claimed was a calculator....

If you sneeze on a calculator when you're doing a multiplication equation inside of your house, do you now have a Gross Domestic Product?

*sorry I know I tried way too hard with this lol*

Me: "I've lost my calculator." Them: "..." Them: "..and?"

Me: "Oh, I've got nothing to add"

What do calculators and country music have in common?

Both are produced by Texas instruments.

What did the detective say after finding a calculator?

"Hmm... Now everything is starting to add up..."

What did the loyal calculator say to its human?

You can count on me!

What does 2020, YouTube’s algorithm, and Reddit’s karma calculator, have in common?

Nobody knows how it really works and is just hoping for the best.

I might buy you an exploding calculator...

But don't count on it.

Man: Hi when do you use that calculator?

2nd Man: Oh, only on special equations.....

In the days before calculators, accountants were frequently unable to get their debits to balance with their credits.

So, in order to overcome the discrepancy, they often created a bogus account titled "Taste" to store the unbalanced amount and allow the books to balance.

Unfortunately, the government soon heard of this practice and declared a new law... there would, from this point on, be no accounting for ...

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are asked by an official for quotes to paint the fences of Buckingham Palace.

The Englishman takes out a measuring tape and calculator, makes some notes and reports back to the man, “I’ll do it for £800. £200 for materials, £400 for the team and £200 profit for me.”

The Irishman looks at the house, looks at the Englishman, and says, “I can do it for £700...£200 for mat...

My calculator may be really ugly on the outside..

..But it’s what is inside that counts.

I am so forgetful that I always forget to pack my calculator before my math tests. But I am so smart that I have only failed them a few times...

So few that I can count on my fingers

I found a box of discarded calculators and I just had to rescue them

every calculator counts...

A man owned a sentient calculator

He would show it to people all the time, and tell them about the sentient calculator. He'd ask a question, and the calculator would give the answer, and every time it was the correct one. At first, people were excited, and they would demand to know what the trick was. A lot of theories, ranging from...

what do you get when you put a number 1 into a calculator and then add a number 2?

a mess

My friend bought me a really ugly calculator for Christmas.

But I suppose you have to remember, it’s what’s on the inside that counts.

i watched my classmate murder our professor with a calculator

it was graphic

There are three types of people:

Those who use a calculator and those who don't.

A girl bangs a calculator on the desk to make it work

Math teacher: why are you making noise

Girl: my calculator isn't working so I'm banging it to make it work

Math teacher: the calculator's gonna break, how would you like it if i banged you on the table


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A calculator joke...

From my childhood.

69 doctors said Dolly Partons boobs were
222 big, they sent her to
51 street to see doctor
x (multiply) He told her to take a pill for
8 days, and that left her....

Everyone likes to laugh at other people's inability with numbers. However, 45% of people consider themselves bad at math, every twentieth member of the population hates decimals, 1 out of 5 people can't do mental arithmetic and 3/10 can't do fractions without a calculator.

Yet only one in a hundred find this funny.

A girl had her bag open and a calculator fell out. I picked it up and said “excuse me , I think this is yours. I saw it fall out of your bag”

“that adds up” she said

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Working at a factory making huge calculator buttons isn't exactly my dreamjob, but at least my only task is to fabricate one kind of button.

That's a big plus.

An couple of Swedish jokes

What does it say at the bottom of a Norwegian swimming pool?

- No smoking allowed.

Why do Norwegian motor bikers wear pyjamas hats instead of helmets?

- Because the helmet broke during the 300 metre free fall test.

Why did the Norwegian bring a car door to the desert?<...

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Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.

The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:





No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

Amongst the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the S&M club doorman was surprised to see a bespectacled man in a shirt and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Who are you, are you lost?" asked the doorman.

"Oh, I'm the statistician" came the reply.

"Then...what are you here for?"

With an unsettling grin, the statistician produced a pencil from his back pocket.
"Just standard deviation."

A man walks into a bar

A short man, with thick glasses, a calculator in is breast pocket, a huge notebook tucked under his arm, and a pencil behind his ears, walks into a bar.

At this bar they have a contest. On the bar counter is a large jar filled with 100s of dollars, and next to it is a basket of lemons.

My old maths teacher was arrested today. In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler.

He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.

My graphing calculator works really well...

Some would say it functions perfectly.

Being a Calculator must be a huge responsibility...

everyone is counting on them.

I thought about getting a pocket calculator...

...but then I realized I don't care how many pockets I have.

I don’t see the point of a pocket calculator.

Who doesn’t know how many pockets they have?

What do you call a reliable calculator?

Something you can count on!

Did you hear about the mathematician who got his calculator stuck up his bum?

He had to work it out with a pencil...

Calculators are useless

What I need is a calcunow

I think my calculator is broken...

The only numbers that seem to work are 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. It's very odd.

A guy carrying a backpack gets stopped by the police on suspicion of terrorism..

The police officer asks him to let him check his backpack. The guy obliges. In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.

"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I suspected. You are under arrest!"

"But why?" the guy protests.

"You have been c...

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I saw my girlfriend shoving a calculator up her vagina.

I said, "What the fuck are you doing? You look like you're in agony."

She said, "It's what's inside that counts."

What did the man say when the calculator agreed to help him load the car?


A Soviet Corporal meets an American Corporal.

The American Corporal says,, American troops eat over 2000 calories every day!"
The Soviet Corporal takes out a calculator and after a while he responds:
,, That's impossible! No one can consume 25 pounds of potatoes daily!"

I recently had to sell my calculator manufacturing business.

The numbers just weren't adding up.

A Chinese student is quite good with mental calculation

... but has this habit of looking up whenever he does heavy calculation. He is a third-year student in a university, major in Computer Science. And he works part time in a convenient store near his uni. He doesn’t speak much on his part time job, but he is honest, hard working, and is well mannered ...

Why did Mike Tyson bring his calculator to church?

He was invited to thunday math.

Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator?

A: She couldn't find the 10 key.

What do you call a broken fisherman's calculator.

Something fishy that doesn't quite add up.

What do you call a james bond film about a calculator?

Casio royale

A mathematician, an engineer, a lawyer and an accountant were all up for a job interview

A mathematician, an engineer, a lawyer, and an accountant were all up for a job interview:

The mathematician was called in and asked as part of the interview, “What is 1+1?” The mathematician gets his calculator out and does the calculation and says “2.”

The engineer is then asked the ...

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A joke my dad, who is Polish, tells me all the time so I'm convinced it must be real funny

It is the cold war and there is a global military convention where each military boasts how their army is the best. After a long day of watching each country's army marching with their strongest and most masculine men, the generals sit down in the banquet hall. An American, German, and Soviet genera...

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Why Men Are Happier


If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will e...

Why was the calculator salesman happy when he sold his cheapest calculator?

Because they all add up!

What do you call someone who is always disagreeing with their calculator?

A chronic math debater

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I was trying to solve an equation when I realised that the minus button on my calculator was broken...

On the plus side, it still worked.

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