Calculator Jokes

I can always count on it.

I needed someone I could count on

Detective 2: that adds up

A woman went to the doctor.

He measured a waist of 69 inches (type into calculator).

He said that that was too, too, too, much (type 222).

And gave her 51 pills (type 51).

But she took 8 times that my (type x8)

Do you know what happened? She became...(Hit = and fli... read more

The results will speak for themselves.

A project manager.

A Calcu-now.

Times were tough

Its days are numbered

I was really counting on that

My 12-year-old daughter made this up.

She said she got a calculator app for her phone but it didn't give a plus key unless she paid additional fees.

But Its What's On The Inside That Counts.

it was graphic

it would be more embarrassing than my browser history :P

Theyre plotting something, I can feel it.

In fact, I was counting on it.

For the calculator at least I can still count on it.

He would show it to people all the time, and tell them about the sentient calculator. He'd ask a question, and the calculator would give the answer, and every time it was the correct one. At first, people were excited, and they would demand to know what the trick was. A lot of theories, ranging from... read more

He was viewing graphic material

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a s... read more

Because bots don't count.

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin... read more

But don't count on it.

You can count on me!

What do you call it when you mix a duck and a calculator?


A quackulator!

but it's what's inside him that counts!"

Nobody knows how it really works and is just hoping for the best.

Detective: Well that adds up.

"Hmm... Now everything is starting to add up..."

When they start counting but no matter the angle, protractors don't measure up.

2nd Man: Oh, only on special equations.....

So few that I can count on my fingers

The only numbers that seem to work are 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. It's very odd.

Some would say it functions perfectly.

...but then I realized I don't care how many pockets I have.

But I suppose you have to remember, it’s what’s on the inside that counts.

It just doesn't add up.

Yet only one in a hundred find this funny.

“that adds up” she said

a mess

Math teacher: why are you making noise

Girl: my calculator isn't working so I'm banging it to make it work

Math teacher: the calculator's gonna break, how would you like it if i banged you on the table

Whole class: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

everyone is counting on them.

"Oh, I'm the statistician" came the reply.

"Then...what are you here for?"

With an unsettling grin, the statistician produced a pencil from his back pocket.
"Just standard deviation."

He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.

He was invited to thunday math.

So, in order to overcome the discrepancy, they often created a bogus account titled "Taste" to store the unbalanced amount and allow the books to balance.

Unfortunately, the government soon heard of this practice and declared a new law... there would, from this point on, be no accounting for ... read more

Who doesn’t know how many pockets they have?

He had to work it out with a pencil...

I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU

The numbers just weren't adding up.

every calculator counts...

Casio royale

A: She couldn't find the 10 key.

Something fishy that doesn't quite add up.

Because they all add up!

There was a sin tax error.


[8.5]

What I need is a calcunow