This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The minus button is missing from my calculator.

I guess it won't make any difference.

Man: Hi when do you use that calculator?

2nd Man: Oh, only on special equations.....

I got a really ugly looking calculator for Christmas...

But it's what is on the inside that counts..

My calculator stopped working and I don't know why...

It just doesn't add up.

My old maths teacher was arrested today. In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler.

He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.

Amongst the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the S&M club doorman was surprised to see a bespectacled man in a shirt and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Who are you, are you lost?" asked the doorman.

"Oh, I'm the statistician" came the reply.

"Then...what are you here for?"

With an unsettling grin, the statistician produced a pencil from his back pocket.
"Just standard deviation."

A girl had her bag open and a calculator fell out. I picked it up and said “excuse me , I think this is yours. I saw it fall out of your bag”

“that adds up” she said

Why couldn’t the blonde type 10 + 5 into the calculator?

She couldn’t find the 10.

Why calculator

When you can calcunow

A man owned a sentient calculator

He would show it to people all the time, and tell them about the sentient calculator. He'd ask a question, and the calculator would give the answer, and every time it was the correct one. At first, people were excited, and they would demand to know what the trick was. A lot of theories, ranging from...

i watched my classmate murder our professor with a calculator

it was graphic

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Working at a factory making huge calculator buttons isn't exactly my dreamjob, but at least my only task is to fabricate one kind of button.

That's a big plus.

What do you call a reliable calculator?

Something you can count on!

My graphing calculator works really well...

Some would say it functions perfectly.

What happens when you cross a dog and a calculator?

You get a friend you can count on.

I don’t see the point of a pocket calculator.

Who doesn’t know how many pockets they have?

At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe she is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. She is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Being a Calculator must be a huge responsibility...

everyone is counting on them.

What did the man say when the calculator agreed to help him load the car?

I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU

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I saw my girlfriend shoving a calculator up her vagina.

I said, "What the fuck are you doing? You look like you're in agony."

She said, "It's what's inside that counts."

Calculators are useless

What I need is a calcunow

A girl bangs a calculator on the desk to make it work

Math teacher: why are you making noise

Girl: my calculator isn't working so I'm banging it to make it work

Math teacher: the calculator's gonna break, how would you like it if i banged you on the table

Whole class: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

What do you get when you put a number 1 and a number 2 on your calculator?

A huge mess.

Did you hear about the mathematician who got his calculator stuck up his bum?

He had to work it out with a pencil...

What do you call a broken fisherman's calculator.

Something fishy that doesn't quite add up.

I recently had to sell my calculator manufacturing business.

The numbers just weren't adding up.

What do you call a james bond film about a calculator?

Casio royale

Why was the calculator salesman happy when he sold his cheapest calculator?

Because they all add up!

I think my calculator is broken...

The only numbers that seem to work are 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. It's very odd.

Why did Mike Tyson bring his calculator to church?

He was invited to thunday math.

What do you call someone who is always disagreeing with their calculator?

A chronic math debater

I saw my calculator hitting on someone the other day.

He's a real casionova

Why did the calculator pay $100 for a pack of cigarettes?

There was a sin tax error.


[8.5]

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was trying to solve an equation when I realised that the minus button on my calculator was broken...

On the plus side, it still worked.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl was going to study for her AP exams... [long]

A girl was starting to study for her AP exams, and her parents bought her a new calculator to help her out. The next day, she took the calculator in to class and started using it. The moment she started hitting the keys, she heard a guitar playing country music. Startled, she stopped and put it bac...

A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings.

The physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives. The engineer pulls out a calculator, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that a...

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Growing up my girlfriend was called the human calculator...

but that's just because 14 year old boys would have her do handstands so they could see her boobies.

A man goes to an interview for an accountant firm

“In this company, you need to be able to calculate fast without calculator”

“I’ll give it a try. Test me”

“What is 35 x 47?”

The man answers quickly “476”

“That’s not even close”

“Yeah but thats fast”

An engineer, a lawyer and an accountant are at a job interview

The interviewer asked, what’s 1 + 1.

The engineer draws up a plan and does some measurements and says. “It appears that 1 + 1 is 2”.

The lawyer takes out his law book, checks all the rules then says “according to the law, 1 + 1 is 2”.

The accountant takes out his book and calcul...

A kid was begging his dad to move to California.

Dad: Give me one reason why I should agree


Kid: California starts with Cal


Dad: And?


Kid: Calculator also starts with Cal


Dad: What does that mean?


Kid: It all adds up

I used to have a problem with my sinuses

Until I bought a calculator

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've always had a love for math...

Probably because the first time I saw "boobs" was on a calculator.

My 3 greatest strengths are:

The calculator, the ruler and the eraser.

A Chinese student is quite good with mental calculation

... but has this habit of looking up whenever he does heavy calculation. He is a third-year student in a university, major in Computer Science. And he works part time in a convenient store near his uni. He doesn’t speak much on his part time job, but he is honest, hard working, and is well mannered ...

Breaking News: Al-Gebra Operative Arrested

A man was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport , New York, as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he believes the man is a member o...

What is the square root of Pai?

"To access your calculator's premium features like sine, square and square root, and logarithm, please call to have a contractor install the software"

Harley Davidson creator dies and meets God

The Creator of Harley Davidson dies and meets St Peter at the pearly gates. Peter asks him, "why would you create something like a Harley?? They're loud, unreliable, slow, never on time, and expensive. I'm going to have to take you to God to make the decision." So he takes him to God and God asks h...

I know why Hogwarts doesn't have math class. They have a magical device for it.

It's called a calculator.

Three nurses went to heaven.

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Names
===========
If Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice go out for lunch, they will call each other Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice.
If Fred, Luke, Bradley, and Jeff go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Eating Out
===========...

"It's what's on the inside that counts" I told my ugly daughter

As I tried to explain to her how a calculator works.

She's also stupid.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In Russia, there's a lot of great one liners about how severe people of the town "Chelyabinsk" are.

Due to the town's location and social-economic conditions, citizens of this town became sort of a legend for their toughness, hence these nice one-liners were made:


- **The men of Chelyabinsk are so severe**, that instead of a birdhouse they nail a doghouse to their tree.

- **The ...

Compilation of short "jokes"

☐ There should be TL;DRs on Terms and Conditions

☐ I never click the top Google result if it's an advert even if it's exactly what I want

☐ The amount of battery left on my phone is proportional to how hard I've been working that day

☐ Smart watches should be able to delete your...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Experienced logger

A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.

He walks into the forestry company office and fills out an application as an 'Experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. ...

How do you say goodbye to a calculus teacher?

Calculator!

An engineer, physicist and mathematician are in an interview (with no accountants) ...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are in an interview.
The engineer is asked, 'What is 2+2?'. The engineer instantly pulls out his calculator, but since its floating point processor firmware has a bug, 2+2 gives him 3.999 which he tells the panel.
The physicist is asked the same q...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some God Awful OC Bartender Jokes

Give it to me straight, I need the feed back
______

A doctor walks into a bar. He appears to be exhausted; his hair is disheveled, his face is drawn. Bartender asks “rough day?” The doctor sits at the bar and says “its flu season, give me a shot.”

______

An elderly man walks ...