Why is the calculator a man's best friend?

Because you can always count on it.

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How do you get a calculator mad?

By pushing it's buttons!

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The minus button is missing from my calculator.

I guess it won't make any difference.

What do you call an Engineer who doesn’t know how to use a calculator?

A project manager.

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A man downloaded a calculator app, but needed to pay extra to unlock the plus button

He had to pay in order to use additional features

Graphing calculators cannot be trusted.

Theyre plotting something, I can feel it.

Calculator app

My 12-year-old daughter made this up.

She said she got a calculator app for her phone but it didn't give a plus key unless she paid additional fees.

If you still have doubts about using a talking calculator, you should really just give it a try.

The results will speak for themselves.

I left my partner for a calculator

I needed someone I could count on

My calculator broke again, but I'm not surprised

In fact, I was counting on it.

I can’t understand why my calculator just stopped working.

It just doesn’t add up.

Our distributor shipped us a box of broken calculators.

Seriously, we can't count on them at all anymore.

When are protractors the same as calculators?

When they start counting but no matter the angle, protractors don't measure up.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a stru...

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So this supermodel is teaching math class

All the boys would be entranced by her amazing figure, and they have a hard time paying attention. Meanwhile all the girls are jealous because she’s stealing all of their men.

One day, she was giving a lecture on graphing, so she told everyone to pull out their calculators. One boy’s calcula...

If my calculator had a history,

it would be more embarrassing than my browser history :P

Do you know the difference between my old friends and a calculator?

For the calculator at least I can still count on it.

Me: It couldn’t have been me. I was out buying a calculator the night of the murder.

Detective: Well that adds up.

What did the loyal calculator say to its human?

You can count on me!

What is faster than a calculator?

A Calcu-now.

Why did the Calculus Teacher take the student's calculator away?

He was viewing graphic material

Roses Are Red

Roses are red,

I like Darth Vader.

Poetry is hard,

calculator.

One day at school the lad who sat next to me swallowed his calculator. I stood up for him when everyone else said he was a weirdo. I told them, "He may be a bit weird,

but it's what's inside him that counts!"

Why was the calculator up for a week straight?

It was doing math.

If you sneeze on a calculator when you're doing a multiplication equation inside of your house, do you now have a Gross Domestic Product?

*sorry I know I tried way too hard with this lol*

What does 2020, YouTube’s algorithm, and Reddit’s karma calculator, have in common?

Nobody knows how it really works and is just hoping for the best.

A man owned a sentient calculator

He would show it to people all the time, and tell them about the sentient calculator. He'd ask a question, and the calculator would give the answer, and every time it was the correct one. At first, people were excited, and they would demand to know what the trick was. A lot of theories, ranging from...

What do calculators and country music have in common?

Both are produced by Texas instruments.

I might buy you an exploding calculator...

But don't count on it.

What did the detective say after finding a calculator?

"Hmm... Now everything is starting to add up..."

Man: Hi when do you use that calculator?

2nd Man: Oh, only on special equations.....

Breaking news

Teacher Arrested At Pearson Airport
A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto's Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believ...

Oldie but goodie

During a job interview, the interviewer asked me if I had any impressive qualities? I said, "Yes, I'm very fast with math!" Suspicious he asked me to prove it. He told me to solve 327x49. I said 34,567! He pulled out his calculator and put it in. With a confused look on his face he says, "That's not...

[LONG] A Man walks into a bar.

A short man, with thick glasses, a calculator in is breast pocket, a huge notebook tucked under his arm, and a pencil behind his ears, walks into a bar.

At this bar they have a contest. On the bar counter is a large jar filled with 100s of dollars, and next to it is a basket of lemons.
...

My calculator may be really ugly on the outside..

..But it’s what is inside that counts.

i watched my classmate murder our professor with a calculator

it was graphic

In the days before calculators, accountants were frequently unable to get their debits to balance with their credits.

So, in order to overcome the discrepancy, they often created a bogus account titled "Taste" to store the unbalanced amount and allow the books to balance.

Unfortunately, the government soon heard of this practice and declared a new law... there would, from this point on, be no accounting for ...

Math

“I had a great day today.” “Why?” “Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, ‘Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?’”

Why did the accountant eat his calculator?

He was a number cruncher.

I found a box of discarded calculators and I just had to rescue them

every calculator counts...

I am so forgetful that I always forget to pack my calculator before my math tests. But I am so smart that I have only failed them a few times...

So few that I can count on my fingers

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

what do you get when you put a number 1 into a calculator and then add a number 2?

a mess

My friend bought me a really ugly calculator for Christmas.

But I suppose you have to remember, it’s what’s on the inside that counts.

A girl bangs a calculator on the desk to make it work

Math teacher: why are you making noise

Girl: my calculator isn't working so I'm banging it to make it work

Math teacher: the calculator's gonna break, how would you like it if i banged you on the table

Whole class: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

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A calculator joke...

From my childhood.

69 doctors said Dolly Partons boobs were
222 big, they sent her to
51 street to see doctor
x (multiply) He told her to take a pill for
8 days, and that left her....

Everyone likes to laugh at other people's inability with numbers. However, 45% of people consider themselves bad at math, every twentieth member of the population hates decimals, 1 out of 5 people can't do mental arithmetic and 3/10 can't do fractions without a calculator.

Yet only one in a hundred find this funny.

A girl had her bag open and a calculator fell out. I picked it up and said “excuse me , I think this is yours. I saw it fall out of your bag”

“that adds up” she said

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Working at a factory making huge calculator buttons isn't exactly my dreamjob, but at least my only task is to fabricate one kind of button.

That's a big plus.

Three "facts" school taught me that turned out to be false

1. Pluto is a planet
2. You won't always have a calculator in your pocket
3. Girls don't like having their hair pulled

I saw a colleague steal my bosses calculator and, although I kept trying to tell him, he wouldn't take the hint.

He couldn't put two and two together.

Amongst the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the S&M club doorman was surprised to see a bespectacled man in a shirt and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Who are you, are you lost?" asked the doorman.

"Oh, I'm the statistician" came the reply.

"Then...what are you here for?"

With an unsettling grin, the statistician produced a pencil from his back pocket.
"Just standard deviation."

Being a Calculator must be a huge responsibility...

everyone is counting on them.

I thought about getting a pocket calculator...

...but then I realized I don't care how many pockets I have.

I think my calculator is broken...

The only numbers that seem to work are 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. It's very odd.

My graphing calculator works really well...

Some would say it functions perfectly.

My old maths teacher was arrested today. In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler.

He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

Calculators are useless

What I need is a calcunow

I don’t see the point of a pocket calculator.

Who doesn’t know how many pockets they have?

Did you hear about the mathematician who got his calculator stuck up his bum?

He had to work it out with a pencil...

What do you call a reliable calculator?

Something you can count on!

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I saw my girlfriend shoving a calculator up her vagina.

I said, "What the fuck are you doing? You look like you're in agony."

She said, "It's what's inside that counts."

What did the man say when the calculator agreed to help him load the car?

I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU

Why did Mike Tyson bring his calculator to church?

He was invited to thunday math.

I recently had to sell my calculator manufacturing business.

The numbers just weren't adding up.

Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator?

A: She couldn't find the 10 key.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are asked by an official for quotes to paint the fences of Buckingham Palace.

The Englishman takes out a measuring tape and calculator, makes some notes and reports back to the man, “I’ll do it for £800. £200 for materials, £400 for the team and £200 profit for me.”

The Irishman looks at the house, looks at the Englishman, and says, “I can do it for £700...£200 for mat...

What do you call a broken fisherman's calculator.

Something fishy that doesn't quite add up.

A Chinese student is quite good with mental calculation

... but has this habit of looking up whenever he does heavy calculation. He is a third-year student in a university, major in Computer Science. And he works part time in a convenient store near his uni. He doesn’t speak much on his part time job, but he is honest, hard working, and is well mannered ...

What do you call a james bond film about a calculator?

Casio royale

Why was the calculator salesman happy when he sold his cheapest calculator?

Because they all add up!

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