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My calculator is really reliable.

I can always count on it.

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How do you get a calculator mad?

By pushing it's buttons!

I left my partner for a calculator

I needed someone I could count on
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The minus button is missing from my calculator.

I guess it won't make any difference.

Detective 1: I think the accountant did it. I found a calculator at the crime scen

Detective 2: that adds up

A woman with a 69 inch waist goes to the doctor (Calculator Joke)

A woman went to the doctor.

He measured a waist of 69 inches (type into calculator).

He said that that was too, too, too, much (type 222).

And gave her 51 pills (type 51).

But she took 8 times that my (type x8)

Do you know what happened? She became...(Hit = and fli...

If you still have doubts about using a talking calculator, you should really just give it a try.

The results will speak for themselves.

What do you call an Engineer who doesn’t know how to use a calculator?

A project manager.

What is faster than a calculator?

A Calcu-now.

Growing up we didn't have a lot of money. I had to use a hand-me-down calculator with no multiplication symbol on it.

Times were tough

Why did the calculator retire?

Its days are numbered

Just found out that I can't use a calculator for my exam

I was really counting on that

Calculator app

My 12-year-old daughter made this up.

She said she got a calculator app for her phone but it didn't give a plus key unless she paid additional fees.

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A man downloaded a calculator app, but needed to pay extra to unlock the plus button

He had to pay in order to use additional features

Calculators May Be Ugly On The Outside

But Its What's On The Inside That Counts.

i watched my classmate murder our professor with a calculator

it was graphic

If my calculator had a history,

it would be more embarrassing than my browser history :P

Graphing calculators cannot be trusted.

Theyre plotting something, I can feel it.

My calculator broke again, but I'm not surprised

In fact, I was counting on it.

Do you know the difference between my old friends and a calculator?

For the calculator at least I can still count on it.

A man owned a sentient calculator

He would show it to people all the time, and tell them about the sentient calculator. He'd ask a question, and the calculator would give the answer, and every time it was the correct one. At first, people were excited, and they would demand to know what the trick was. A lot of theories, ranging from...

Why did the Calculus Teacher take the student's calculator away?

He was viewing graphic material

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a s...

Why are Tesla factories littered with calculators?

Because bots don't count.

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

I might buy you an exploding calculator...

But don't count on it.

What did the loyal calculator say to its human?

You can count on me!

An original joke from my 6 year old son

What do you call it when you mix a duck and a calculator?


A quackulator!

One day at school the lad who sat next to me swallowed his calculator. I stood up for him when everyone else said he was a weirdo. I told them, "He may be a bit weird,

but it's what's inside him that counts!"

What does 2020, YouTube’s algorithm, and Reddit’s karma calculator, have in common?

Nobody knows how it really works and is just hoping for the best.

Me: It couldn’t have been me. I was out buying a calculator the night of the murder.

Detective: Well that adds up.

What did the detective say after finding a calculator?

"Hmm... Now everything is starting to add up..."

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Working at a factory making huge calculator buttons isn't exactly my dreamjob, but at least my only task is to fabricate one kind of button.

That's a big plus.

When are protractors the same as calculators?

When they start counting but no matter the angle, protractors don't measure up.

Man: Hi when do you use that calculator?

2nd Man: Oh, only on special equations.....

I am so forgetful that I always forget to pack my calculator before my math tests. But I am so smart that I have only failed them a few times...

So few that I can count on my fingers

I think my calculator is broken...

The only numbers that seem to work are 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. It's very odd.

My graphing calculator works really well...

Some would say it functions perfectly.

I thought about getting a pocket calculator...

...but then I realized I don't care how many pockets I have.

My friend bought me a really ugly calculator for Christmas.

But I suppose you have to remember, it’s what’s on the inside that counts.

My calculator stopped working and I don't know why...

It just doesn't add up.

Everyone likes to laugh at other people's inability with numbers. However, 45% of people consider themselves bad at math, every twentieth member of the population hates decimals, 1 out of 5 people can't do mental arithmetic and 3/10 can't do fractions without a calculator.

Yet only one in a hundred find this funny.

A girl had her bag open and a calculator fell out. I picked it up and said “excuse me , I think this is yours. I saw it fall out of your bag”

“that adds up” she said

what do you get when you put a number 1 into a calculator and then add a number 2?

a mess

A girl bangs a calculator on the desk to make it work

Math teacher: why are you making noise

Girl: my calculator isn't working so I'm banging it to make it work

Math teacher: the calculator's gonna break, how would you like it if i banged you on the table

Whole class: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Being a Calculator must be a huge responsibility...

everyone is counting on them.

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A calculator joke...

From my childhood.

69 doctors said Dolly Partons boobs were
222 big, they sent her to
51 street to see doctor
x (multiply) He told her to take a pill for
8 days, and that left her....

Amongst the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the S&M club doorman was surprised to see a bespectacled man in a shirt and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Who are you, are you lost?" asked the doorman.

"Oh, I'm the statistician" came the reply.

"Then...what are you here for?"

With an unsettling grin, the statistician produced a pencil from his back pocket.
"Just standard deviation."

My old maths teacher was arrested today. In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler.

He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.

Why did Mike Tyson bring his calculator to church?

He was invited to thunday math.

In the days before calculators, accountants were frequently unable to get their debits to balance with their credits.

So, in order to overcome the discrepancy, they often created a bogus account titled "Taste" to store the unbalanced amount and allow the books to balance.

Unfortunately, the government soon heard of this practice and declared a new law... there would, from this point on, be no accounting for ...

I don’t see the point of a pocket calculator.

Who doesn’t know how many pockets they have?

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I saw my girlfriend shoving a calculator up her vagina.

I said, "What the fuck are you doing? You look like you're in agony."

She said, "It's what's inside that counts."

Did you hear about the mathematician who got his calculator stuck up his bum?

He had to work it out with a pencil...

What did the man say when the calculator agreed to help him load the car?

I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU

I recently had to sell my calculator manufacturing business.

The numbers just weren't adding up.

I found a box of discarded calculators and I just had to rescue them

every calculator counts...

What do you call a james bond film about a calculator?

Casio royale

Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator?

A: She couldn't find the 10 key.

What do you call a broken fisherman's calculator.

Something fishy that doesn't quite add up.

Why was the calculator salesman happy when he sold his cheapest calculator?

Because they all add up!

Why did the calculator pay $100 for a pack of cigarettes?

There was a sin tax error.


[8.5]

Calculators are useless

What I need is a calcunow

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I was trying to solve an equation when I realised that the minus button on my calculator was broken...

On the plus side, it still worked.

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