What did the loyal calculator say to its human?

You can count on me!

My calculator may be really ugly on the outside..

..But it’s what is inside that counts.

I might buy you an exploding calculator...

But don't count on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The minus button is missing from my calculator.

I guess it won't make any difference.

Me: "I've lost my calculator." Them: "..." Them: "..and?"

Me: "Oh, I've got nothing to add"

What did the detective say after finding a calculator?

"Hmm... Now everything is starting to add up..."

what do you get when you put a number 1 into a calculator and then add a number 2?

a mess

Man: Hi when do you use that calculator?

2nd Man: Oh, only on special equations.....

I don't trust graphing calculators.

They're always plotting something.

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

Everyone likes to laugh at other people's inability with numbers. However, 45% of people consider themselves bad at math, every twentieth member of the population hates decimals, 1 out of 5 people can't do mental arithmetic and 3/10 can't do fractions without a calculator.

Yet only one in a hundred find this funny.

A man was fresh out of accounting school and went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him: “What is three times seven?”

“Twenty-two,” the man replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator and realised he wouldn’t get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next d...

A girl had her bag open and a calculator fell out. I picked it up and said “excuse me , I think this is yours. I saw it fall out of your bag”

“that adds up” she said

Why couldn’t the blonde type 10 + 5 into the calculator?

She couldn’t find the 10.

I became suspicious when...

My calculator stopped working and thought, “this doesn’t add up.”

A man owned a sentient calculator

He would show it to people all the time, and tell them about the sentient calculator. He'd ask a question, and the calculator would give the answer, and every time it was the correct one. At first, people were excited, and they would demand to know what the trick was. A lot of theories, ranging from...

What happens when you cross a dog and a calculator?

You get a friend you can count on.

My old maths teacher was arrested today. In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler.

He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.

Amongst the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the S&M club doorman was surprised to see a bespectacled man in a shirt and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Who are you, are you lost?" asked the doorman.

"Oh, I'm the statistician" came the reply.

"Then...what are you here for?"

With an unsettling grin, the statistician produced a pencil from his back pocket.
"Just standard deviation."

Why calculator

When you can calcunow

What is 230-220*0.5?

It's 5!

Edit :some people don't get it, try keying 5! in your calculator

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A physics professor asks this question in his class.

If a plane is flying in South East direction at 795 miles an hour and it takes a torque of 58000 N/m2 to unscrew a nut from the main pillar of Brooklyn Bridge, then calculate my age as of today?

The ivy league geniuses in the class immediately went to work. Firing up thier computers and calc...

A girl bangs a calculator on the desk to make it work

Math teacher: why are you making noise

Girl: my calculator isn't working so I'm banging it to make it work

Math teacher: the calculator's gonna break, how would you like it if i banged you on the table


i watched my classmate murder our professor with a calculator

it was graphic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Working at a factory making huge calculator buttons isn't exactly my dreamjob, but at least my only task is to fabricate one kind of button.

That's a big plus.

My graphing calculator works really well...

Some would say it functions perfectly.

What do you call a reliable calculator?

Something you can count on!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The employees at the factory were often reminded by the boss that anyone can be wrong and nobody and nothing should ever be completely certain as its arrogant

so when people pushed buttons on the calculators made in the factory, it sometimes said "I dont know"

A Chinese student is quite good with mental calculation

... but has this habit of looking up whenever he does heavy calculation. He is a third-year student in a university, major in Computer Science. And he works part time in a convenient store near his uni. He doesn’t speak much on his part time job, but he is honest, hard working, and is well mannered ...

I don’t see the point of a pocket calculator.

Who doesn’t know how many pockets they have?

Being a Calculator must be a huge responsibility...

everyone is counting on them.

An old mafia boss was at the end of his life

He knew he didn't have much time left to live and he was getting worried about where he might end up after his death if he did not get absolution for his sins. He had been a very evil person and he knew that any old village priest would not be able to do the job so instead he arranged a meeting with...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy had spent many days crossing the Montana prairies without water. His horse had already died of thirst.

He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him. 

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've always had a love for math...

Probably because the first time I saw "boobs" was on a calculator.

A kid was begging his dad to move to California.

Dad: Give me one reason why I should agree

Kid: California starts with Cal

Dad: And?

Kid: Calculator also starts with Cal

Dad: What does that mean?

Kid: It all adds up

What is the square root of Pai?

"To access your calculator's premium features like sine, square and square root, and logarithm, please call to have a contractor install the software"

Three nurses went to heaven.

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter...

Breaking News: Al-Gebra Operative Arrested

A man was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport , New York, as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he believes the man is a member o...

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