Too bad my calculator broke

I was counting on it

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How do you get a calculator mad?

By pushing it's buttons!

What happens when you cross a calculator with a human?

You get a friend you can count on

In the days before calculators, accountants were frequently unable to get their debits to balance with their credits.

So, in order to overcome the discrepancy, they often created a bogus account titled "Taste" to store the unbalanced amount and allow the books to balance.

Unfortunately, the government soon heard of this practice and declared a new law... there would, from this point on, be no accounting for ...

Why did the accountant eat his calculator?

He was a number cruncher.

I found a box of discarded calculators and I just had to rescue them

every calculator counts...

I am so forgetful that I always forget to pack my calculator before my math tests. But I am so smart that I have only failed them a few times...

So few that I can count on my fingers

Me: "I've lost my calculator." Them: "..." Them: "..and?"

Me: "Oh, I've got nothing to add"

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The minus button is missing from my calculator.

I guess it won't make any difference.

I might buy you an exploding calculator...

But don't count on it.

My calculator may be really ugly on the outside..

..But it’s what is inside that counts.

What did the detective say after finding a calculator?

"Hmm... Now everything is starting to add up..."

what do you get when you put a number 1 into a calculator and then add a number 2?

a mess

Man: Hi when do you use that calculator?

2nd Man: Oh, only on special equations.....

I don't trust graphing calculators.

They're always plotting something.

My friend bought me a really ugly calculator for Christmas.

But I suppose you have to remember, it’s what’s on the inside that counts.

Why couldn’t the blonde type 10 + 5 into the calculator?

She couldn’t find the 10.

My calculator stopped working and I don't know why...

It just doesn't add up.

Everyone likes to laugh at other people's inability with numbers. However, 45% of people consider themselves bad at math, every twentieth member of the population hates decimals, 1 out of 5 people can't do mental arithmetic and 3/10 can't do fractions without a calculator.

Yet only one in a hundred find this funny.

A girl had her bag open and a calculator fell out. I picked it up and said “excuse me , I think this is yours. I saw it fall out of your bag”

“that adds up” she said

A man owned a sentient calculator

He would show it to people all the time, and tell them about the sentient calculator. He'd ask a question, and the calculator would give the answer, and every time it was the correct one. At first, people were excited, and they would demand to know what the trick was. A lot of theories, ranging from...

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

i watched my classmate murder our professor with a calculator

it was graphic

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A calculator joke...

From my childhood.

69 doctors said Dolly Partons boobs were
222 big, they sent her to
51 street to see doctor
x (multiply) He told her to take a pill for
8 days, and that left her....

My old maths teacher was arrested today. In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler.

He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.

A man was fresh out of accounting school and went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him: “What is three times seven?”

“Twenty-two,” the man replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator and realised he wouldn’t get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next d...

Amongst the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the S&M club doorman was surprised to see a bespectacled man in a shirt and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Who are you, are you lost?" asked the doorman.

"Oh, I'm the statistician" came the reply.

"Then...what are you here for?"

With an unsettling grin, the statistician produced a pencil from his back pocket.
"Just standard deviation."

A girl bangs a calculator on the desk to make it work

Math teacher: why are you making noise

Girl: my calculator isn't working so I'm banging it to make it work

Math teacher: the calculator's gonna break, how would you like it if i banged you on the table

Whole class: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

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Working at a factory making huge calculator buttons isn't exactly my dreamjob, but at least my only task is to fabricate one kind of button.

That's a big plus.

What is 230-220*0.5?

It's 5!

Edit :some people don't get it, try keying 5! in your calculator

My graphing calculator works really well...

Some would say it functions perfectly.

What do you call a reliable calculator?

Something you can count on!

I don’t see the point of a pocket calculator.

Who doesn’t know how many pockets they have?

Being a Calculator must be a huge responsibility...

everyone is counting on them.

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A physics professor asks this question in his class.

If a plane is flying in South East direction at 795 miles an hour and it takes a torque of 58000 N/m2 to unscrew a nut from the main pillar of Brooklyn Bridge, then calculate my age as of today?

The ivy league geniuses in the class immediately went to work. Firing up thier computers and calc...

A Chinese student is quite good with mental calculation

... but has this habit of looking up whenever he does heavy calculation. He is a third-year student in a university, major in Computer Science. And he works part time in a convenient store near his uni. He doesn’t speak much on his part time job, but he is honest, hard working, and is well mannered ...

I don't understand why 9/11 is such a difficult topic.

It's 0.8181, don't people have calculators?

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I saw my girlfriend shoving a calculator up her vagina.

I said, "What the fuck are you doing? You look like you're in agony."

She said, "It's what's inside that counts."

Did you hear about the mathematician who got his calculator stuck up his bum?

He had to work it out with a pencil...

What did the man say when the calculator agreed to help him load the car?

I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU

Calculators are useless

What I need is a calcunow

I think my calculator is broken...

The only numbers that seem to work are 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. It's very odd.

I recently had to sell my calculator manufacturing business.

The numbers just weren't adding up.

What do you call a broken fisherman's calculator.

Something fishy that doesn't quite add up.

What do you call a james bond film about a calculator?

Casio royale

An old mafia boss was at the end of his life

He knew he didn't have much time left to live and he was getting worried about where he might end up after his death if he did not get absolution for his sins. He had been a very evil person and he knew that any old village priest would not be able to do the job so instead he arranged a meeting with...

Why did Mike Tyson bring his calculator to church?

He was invited to thunday math.

Why was the calculator salesman happy when he sold his cheapest calculator?

Because they all add up!

I saw my calculator hitting on someone the other day.

He's a real casionova

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A girl was going to study for her AP exams... [long]

A girl was starting to study for her AP exams, and her parents bought her a new calculator to help her out. The next day, she took the calculator in to class and started using it. The moment she started hitting the keys, she heard a guitar playing country music. Startled, she stopped and put it bac...

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A cowboy had spent many days crossing the Montana prairies without water. His horse had already died of thirst.

He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him. 

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it a...

Why did the calculator pay $100 for a pack of cigarettes?

There was a sin tax error.


[8.5]

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I was trying to solve an equation when I realised that the minus button on my calculator was broken...

On the plus side, it still worked.

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