Calculator Jokes

I can always count on it.

I needed someone I could count on

A woman went to the doctor.

He measured a waist of 69 inches (type into calculator).

He said that that was too, too, too, much (type 222).

And gave her 51 pills (type 51).

But she took 8 times that my (type x8)

Do you know what happened? She became...(Hit = and fli... read more

In fact, I was counting on it.

Detective 2: that adds up

A Calcu-now.

My 12-year-old daughter made this up.

She said she got a calculator app for her phone but it didn't give a plus key unless she paid additional fees.

A project manager.

I was really counting on that

Theyre plotting something, I can feel it.

The results will speak for themselves.

Some would say it functions perfectly.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a s... read more

But Its What's On The Inside That Counts.

it would be more embarrassing than my browser history :P

it was graphic

But don't count on it.

He would show it to people all the time, and tell them about the sentient calculator. He'd ask a question, and the calculator would give the answer, and every time it was the correct one. At first, people were excited, and they would demand to know what the trick was. A lot of theories, ranging from... read more

What do you call it when you mix a duck and a calculator?


A quackulator!

Its days are numbered

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin... read more

Times were tough

The only numbers that seem to work are 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. It's very odd.

2nd Man: Oh, only on special equations.....

You can count on me!

Because bots don't count.

He was viewing graphic material

"Hmm... Now everything is starting to add up..."

For the calculator at least I can still count on it.

When they start counting but no matter the angle, protractors don't measure up.

...but then I realized I don't care how many pockets I have.

It was doing math.

Because they all add up!

It just doesn't add up.

But I suppose you have to remember, it’s what’s on the inside that counts.

everyone is counting on them.

You get a friend you can count on.

He was invited to thunday math.

What I need is a calcunow

Math teacher: why are you making noise

Girl: my calculator isn't working so I'm banging it to make it work

Math teacher: the calculator's gonna break, how would you like it if i banged you on the table

Whole class: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Nobody knows how it really works and is just hoping for the best.

Who doesn’t know how many pockets they have?

Both are produced by Texas instruments.

Detective: Well that adds up.

Something fishy that doesn't quite add up.

The numbers just weren't adding up.

Casio royale

He had to work it out with a pencil...

... but has this habit of looking up whenever he does heavy calculation. He is a third-year student in a university, major in Computer Science. And he works part time in a convenient store near his uni. He doesn’t speak much on his part time job, but he is honest, hard working, and is well mannered ... read more

A: She couldn't find the 10 key.

a mess

He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.

So, in order to overcome the discrepancy, they often created a bogus account titled "Taste" to store the unbalanced amount and allow the books to balance.

Unfortunately, the government soon heard of this practice and declared a new law... there would, from this point on, be no accounting for ... read more

I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU