Why is the calculator a man's best friend?

Because you can always count on it.

What did the calculator say to his friend?

"You can count on me!"

Just kidding. Calculators can't talk.

If you sneeze on a calculator when you're doing a multiplication equation inside of your house, do you now have a Gross Domestic Product?

*sorry I know I tried way too hard with this lol*

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

Do you know the difference between my old friends and a calculator?

For the calculator at least I can still count on it.

Me: It couldn’t have been me. I was out buying a calculator the night of the murder.

Detective: Well that adds up.

What does 2020, YouTube’s algorithm, and Reddit’s karma calculator, have in common?

Nobody knows how it really works and is just hoping for the best.

What do calculators and country music have in common?

Both are produced by Texas instruments.

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How do you get a calculator mad?

By pushing it's buttons!

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The minus button is missing from my calculator.

I guess it won't make any difference.

What happens when you cross a calculator with a human?

You get a friend you can count on

Me: "I've lost my calculator." Them: "..." Them: "..and?"

Me: "Oh, I've got nothing to add"

I found a box of discarded calculators and I just had to rescue them

every calculator counts...

I am so forgetful that I always forget to pack my calculator before my math tests. But I am so smart that I have only failed them a few times...

So few that I can count on my fingers

My calculator may be really ugly on the outside..

..But it’s what is inside that counts.

I might buy you an exploding calculator...

But don't count on it.

In the days before calculators, accountants were frequently unable to get their debits to balance with their credits.

So, in order to overcome the discrepancy, they often created a bogus account titled "Taste" to store the unbalanced amount and allow the books to balance.

Unfortunately, the government soon heard of this practice and declared a new law... there would, from this point on, be no accounting for ...

What did the detective say after finding a calculator?

"Hmm... Now everything is starting to add up..."

A mathematician, an engineer, a lawyer and an accountant were all up for a job interview

A mathematician, an engineer, a lawyer, and an accountant were all up for a job interview:

The mathematician was called in and asked as part of the interview, “What is 1+1?” The mathematician gets his calculator out and does the calculation and says “2.”

The engineer is then asked the ...

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A joke my dad, who is Polish, tells me all the time so I'm convinced it must be real funny

It is the cold war and there is a global military convention where each military boasts how their army is the best. After a long day of watching each country's army marching with their strongest and most masculine men, the generals sit down in the banquet hall. An American, German, and Soviet genera...

Man: Hi when do you use that calculator?

2nd Man: Oh, only on special equations.....

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Why Men Are Happier

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will e...

what do you get when you put a number 1 into a calculator and then add a number 2?

a mess

My friend bought me a really ugly calculator for Christmas.

But I suppose you have to remember, it’s what’s on the inside that counts.

A man owned a sentient calculator

He would show it to people all the time, and tell them about the sentient calculator. He'd ask a question, and the calculator would give the answer, and every time it was the correct one. At first, people were excited, and they would demand to know what the trick was. A lot of theories, ranging from...

I don't trust graphing calculators.

They're always plotting something.

Trump has spent about twenty percentage of his days in office playing golf.

(Me, an Asian)
If I spent that much time playing golf, my GPA would go down to a...—————
*takes out calculator*————
*quick math*————
*puts it back*———
98.1. My GPA would go down to a 98.1.
Yeah, schools aren’t that good.

Everyone likes to laugh at other people's inability with numbers. However, 45% of people consider themselves bad at math, every twentieth member of the population hates decimals, 1 out of 5 people can't do mental arithmetic and 3/10 can't do fractions without a calculator.

Yet only one in a hundred find this funny.

A girl had her bag open and a calculator fell out. I picked it up and said “excuse me , I think this is yours. I saw it fall out of your bag”

“that adds up” she said

Why couldn’t the blonde type 10 + 5 into the calculator?

She couldn’t find the 10.

i watched my classmate murder our professor with a calculator

it was graphic

During the protests outside the White House, part of the new fence gets torn down.

Being as the repair is a government job, the secret service is tasked with getting three bids.

They post the job, and receive three responses. One is from a contractor in Kentucky. The second is from Texas, and the third is from Iowa .

The three contractors meet with the secret service...

My calculator stopped working and I don't know why...

It just doesn't add up.

Teacher arrested on airplane after bag was searched

A protractor, a ruler, a calculator, and a book of graph paper. He was charged with possessing implements of math instruction

My old maths teacher was arrested today. In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler.

He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.

Why calculator

When you can calcunow

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Working at a factory making huge calculator buttons isn't exactly my dreamjob, but at least my only task is to fabricate one kind of button.

That's a big plus.

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

Amongst the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the S&M club doorman was surprised to see a bespectacled man in a shirt and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Who are you, are you lost?" asked the doorman.

"Oh, I'm the statistician" came the reply.

"Then...what are you here for?"

With an unsettling grin, the statistician produced a pencil from his back pocket.
"Just standard deviation."

Help me on my homework? Gives me 404

Hi so I have a homework and it says to solve 20 X 20.2. does someone know the answer? Whenever I type it on my calculator it gives me "404"
Help?!?!!!???

A girl bangs a calculator on the desk to make it work

Math teacher: why are you making noise

Girl: my calculator isn't working so I'm banging it to make it work

Math teacher: the calculator's gonna break, how would you like it if i banged you on the table

Whole class: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

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A calculator joke...

From my childhood.

69 doctors said Dolly Partons boobs were
222 big, they sent her to
51 street to see doctor
x (multiply) He told her to take a pill for
8 days, and that left her....

My graphing calculator works really well...

Some would say it functions perfectly.

Being a Calculator must be a huge responsibility...

everyone is counting on them.

What do you call a reliable calculator?

Something you can count on!

I don’t see the point of a pocket calculator.

Who doesn’t know how many pockets they have?

Did you hear about the mathematician who got his calculator stuck up his bum?

He had to work it out with a pencil...

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I saw my girlfriend shoving a calculator up her vagina.

I said, "What the fuck are you doing? You look like you're in agony."

She said, "It's what's inside that counts."

Calculators are useless

What I need is a calcunow

I think my calculator is broken...

The only numbers that seem to work are 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. It's very odd.

A Chinese student is quite good with mental calculation

... but has this habit of looking up whenever he does heavy calculation. He is a third-year student in a university, major in Computer Science. And he works part time in a convenient store near his uni. He doesn’t speak much on his part time job, but he is honest, hard working, and is well mannered ...

What did the man say when the calculator agreed to help him load the car?

I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU

I recently had to sell my calculator manufacturing business.

The numbers just weren't adding up.

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Modern Day Cowboy

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.


His horse has already died of thirst.


He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards a...

What do you call a broken fisherman's calculator.

Something fishy that doesn't quite add up.

What do you call a james bond film about a calculator?

Casio royale

Why did Mike Tyson bring his calculator to church?

He was invited to thunday math.

Why was the calculator salesman happy when he sold his cheapest calculator?

Because they all add up!

A man was fresh out of accounting school and went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him: “What is three times seven?”

“Twenty-two,” the man replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator and realised he wouldn’t get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next d...

What is 230-220*0.5?

It's 5!

Edit :some people don't get it, try keying 5! in your calculator

I saw my calculator hitting on someone the other day.

He's a real casionova

Why did the calculator pay $100 for a pack of cigarettes?

There was a sin tax error.


[8.5]

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Growing up my girlfriend was called the human calculator...

but that's just because 14 year old boys would have her do handstands so they could see her boobies.

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