Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb

I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"? He said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

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Three boys were sitting on a curb, admiring a parked Cadillac, Mercedes and BMW.[NSFW]

The first kid says “man, I’m going to keep practicing my three point shot so I can go to the NBA, and buy a Cadillac like that one.” Second kid says “I’m going to go to college, get a good job, and buy a Mercedes.” The last kid says “I wish I had a nice pussy.” The first two kids exclaim “WTF you wa...

Little Johnny was sitting on the curb

Shaking a bottle of turpentine. The local priest walking by, stopped and asked what he had in the bottle. Johnny said, “this is the most powerful liquid in the world, turpentine.” The priest said, “the most powerful liquid in the world is holy water. A couple drops on a pregnant woman’s belly, and...

I saw a boy eating the grass between the cracks in the curb

I went up to him and said "don't eat the grass, it's bad for you"

He looked at me and said "I haven't had any food for the last 3 days. This is all I can find"

I told him to get up and to come over to my place to get him a better meal

He stopped and said "well, my sister, she ha...

A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman

"Can I park here?"
"No," says the cop.
"What about all these other cars?"
"They didn't ask!"

A man walks into a bar with a talking dog

He tells the bartender “my dog can talk!”

The bartender says “Oh yeah? Let’s hear him!”

He asks the dog “what is on top of a house?”

The dog says “roof!”

The bartender is not buying it, so the guy says “what is the outer covering of a tree called?”

The dog says “ba...

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My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.

I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.

RIP Rodney.

A man saw a boy sitting on the curb, crying.

He said "Why are you sad, little boy?"

Kid said "I lost my harmonica." The kind man then gave the sullen boy a razor blade, which the boy happily started playing on, and his smile just grew wider and wider.

What a morning..

What a morning...
I was following an ambulance when I noticed a small metal box sitting on the rear bumper. When the ambulance turned right the box flew off and landed on the side of the road against the curb.
I of course pulled over and snagged the box. When I opened the box there was a human...

"During your exam you hit two curbs, ran a red light, and went too fast," said the examiner.

"But on the upside," I replied, "you haven't arrested me for drunk driving."

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A man sees a little boy sitting on the curb

He watches him as he takes a M&M, pops it in his mouth and swallows it, picks up his kitten and bites it. Stands up walks 10 feet down the street, sits down, pops a M&M, bites the cat and moves another 10 feet. The man watches him for a bit as he repeats this over and over. Finally the man w...

A man was telling friends how first-aid classes had prepared him for an emergency.

“I saw a woman hit by a car,” he said. “She had a broken arm, a twisted knee and a skull fracture.”
“How horrible! What did you do?”

“Thanks to my first-aid training I knew just how to handle it. I sat on the curb and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting.”

A man was walking down the street around 3am, obviously drunk, missing a shoe and weaving to and fro, when a policeman spotted him and stopped his car along the curb nearby.

"Good evening sir, would you mind stepping over here for a moment, please?" the policeman asked.

Haltingly, the man came over to the police car. "Gooodsh evening occifer, whass the trouble?"

"Well," the officer began, "it seems you're not quite in any condition to be walking along in ...

A duck was standing on the curb

Cars zoomed past the duck while he waited for a break in traffic. A chicken walked up to him and said "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."

How Drunk Are You?

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for seve...

There’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.

The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.


So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops...

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls.

They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, “Boy, I sure wish I could do that!”

The other one looks at him and says, “Well, I think I would pet him first.”

A lawyer parks his brand new BMW on the curb and opens the door as a car drives by and smashes through the door.

The lawyer quickly spots a police officer across the street and shouts: «Officer, officer, did you see what just happened? That car smashed off the door on my brand new BMW!» «Oh, my god,» replies the officer. «You lawyers are so materialistic. You stand there whining about your car and you haven’t ...

Two Atoms

Two atoms were walking down the sidewalk and suddenly one slips off the curb and says "Oh no, I've lost my electron!"
The other atom says "Are you sure?"
1st atom says "Yes, I'm positive!"

Why can't women get close to the curb when they parallel park?

Because they're constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.

A completely drunk man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?""Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."

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Sometimes you just have to accept the facts of a situation.....

Back in the 20s when most kitchens didn't have refrigerators but ice boxes instead, a man is driving a horse drawn wagon selling blocks of ice around town.

Rolling thru the streets he'd call out "Ice! Ice for sale! Ice!"

A lady on the 5th floor of one building he's passing yells down,...

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Three boys sitting on a curb...

Three boys sitting on a curb looking across the street at a Porsche, Corvette, and a Mercedes Benz.
The first one says, 'When I grow up, I want to be a football star so I can buy me a Porsche just like that one'.
The second one replies, 'When I grow up, I want to be a famous actor so I can buy...

I was driving along the road and I saw a coffin on the curb with a sign that said "FREE"

I thought to myself, "this is the last thing I need."

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A punk is sitting on the curb outside of a bar

asking everyone who walks in if they would buy him a beer, or spare some change for him to buy a beer. After a couple hours the bartender goes outside and invites him in, saying he'd give him a beer, but to stop harassing his customers. So, the punk takes a seat at the bar and the bartender gives hi...

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An old Man Sees a young boy sitting on the curb

The man notices that the child has a rather large bag of candy, and is shovelling it into his mouth at an alarming rate.

The old man , Feeling obliged to pass on his knowledge , Tells the boy.

"Hey Kid , If you keep eating candy like that , you wont live for much longer!"

The yo...

I saw a man sitting on a curb looking down on his luck so I gave him a dollar

he gave it back and said " I'm not homeless, I'm married "

A man walked out of a barbershop and saw a little boy sitting on the curb.

The man watched as the little boy ate three candy bars in a row, only pausing to unwrap the next one.

The man says to the boy "Don't you know eating all that candy that fast is going to give you a belly ache and make your teeth rot out?"

The little boy looked up at the man and said "My...

In a last ditch effort to curb over grazing, some ranchers have decided to drive their cattle up into the mountains.

Analysts say the steaks have never been higher.

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An interuptted joke from Curb your Enthusiasm season 9...

In honour of the announcement of a new season of Curb I was watching season 9 and in episode three Larry starts telling the following joke but gets interrupted by Suzie. I found it in its full form and thought I'd share it..

Mrs. Johnson goes to a brand-new gynecologist. He examines her.
H...

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A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder...

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me".
...

A man was hauling some trash to the curb for pickup.

As per city ordnance, he had tied a green band to the bag of yard waste and a red band to the bag of recyclable waste. Some policeman on patrol stopped their cruiser and got out.

"Sir, you can't leave that there, it's in a bike lane."

"Ok officer, no problem, i'll just move it..."
...

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65 in a 35

Buddies Joke Today.

I was doing 65 in a 35 zone when a cop pulled me over.
Officer approaches the car. "License and registration, please."

"I would, officer, but...this car is stolen. Oh, and full disclosure, there's a loaded pistol in the glove box."

"Sir, I'm going to need ...

A man went to the vet for advice to curb his racist dog that kept barking at his Asian neighbour.

"Muzzle him" the vet advised.

The man paused, and exclaimed, "could be, he does have a big beard"

Did you hear about the curbs going on strike?

They're lining the streets in protest

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Playing Trucker

A little boy is sitting on the curb in front of his house. His mother is watching him from the house. As she watches him, he reaches in his pocket, takes out some M&Ms, eats them, grabs the cat sitting next to him and bites its ear. Then he stands up, slides down the curb a little, and sits down...

Materialistic

A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the curb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls ...

A Man and is Wife are Expecting a Baby.

He finally gets the call while at work and starts driving to the hospital. As he gets closer, he gets more and more anxious, thinking about the baby, his wife, whether it's a boy or a girl, etc. But as he's driving he hits a curb. The car's springs break, jutting through the floor and impaling him t...

Every lunch hour Barry picked up a can of dog food at the deli,

went across the street to a park bench, and ate the whole can with evident gusto. A doctor who happened to pass through the park regularly couldn't help noticing Barry's behavior and finally couldn't resist offer. ing some advice. "I'm an internist," he explained, "and I think you should know tha...

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An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive

As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk.

The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car a...

A tourist climbed out of his rental car in downtown Washington, D.C. He was intent on visiting the White House and take in the city’s other world-famous sights, but he felt hungry so he decided to pop into a store to buy himself a snack.

As he pulled up to the curb outside the store, he saw a well-to-do man standing on the sidewalk.
He said to him: “Listen, I’m going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?”

“What?” the man huffed. “Do you realize that I am a member of the United ...

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Kirkland Nutra Nuggets dog chow

for my loyal pet, Brista, and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probabl...

What’s the best way to dispose of your Christmas tree?

Put it on the curb and wait for Lindsey Lohan to steal it

The two young artichokes were very much in love.

The couple were strolling down the boulevard one sunny afternoon. Up ahead, a delivery truck had a blowout and swerved across two lanes, finally jumping the curb and hitting the boy artichoke, knocking him flat.

It was awful. The ambulance came and the EMTs did their best to resuscitate him. ...

A man dies and goes to heaven...

As he stands in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates, he sees a huge wall of clocks behind him.

"What are those clocks for?" He asks.

"Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move forward." St. Peter responded.

...

Why did the driver run over the sidewalk?

He wanted to flatten the curb

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates, and St. Peter decides which vehicle to give them.

“Heaven is a big place,” he says. “You’ll need something to get around. What I give you is based on how well you treated your marriage on Earth.”

The first guy says, “Marriage was difficult for me. We both had affairs and eventually got divorced after 10 years. But I still tried to live a goo...

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A bum walks into a bar with his dog...

He says to the bartender, “Hey fella, if my dog can talk, will you give me a free drink?”

Bartender looks at him suspiciously but says, “yeah, sure, why not.”

So the guy looks at the dog and says, “ok boy, what is on top of a house?!”

The dog barks out, “Roof! Roof!”

Then...

Why did I walk your sister to the doorstep after our date?

Because if I dropped her off at the curb I’d be littering!

People had been letting their dogs do their business in front of the police station.

It started to accumulate at the edge of the sidewalk near the gutter. One morning, the police chief came out of the building and slipped near the curb and fell in the line of dooty.

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Breaker, Breaker

There was once a family of three ,a Mom named Shirley, a Dad named Rick, and a little Boy named Spencer. They owned a cat named Sprinkles.

It was a usual Tuesday morning, Rick went to work and Shirley was home with Spencer and Sprinkles. Per usual Shirley started her cleaning regiment, an...

What a horrible way to die

Two guys meet up in a bar.

The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb,...

A drunk was walking with a whisky bottle in the pocket of his coat

It was late and the streets were slippery from the rain. Suddenly, he lost his footing and fell face first in the curb.

Feeling his body, he noticed his chest was wet. He closed his eyes and prayed:

“Dear Lord, please let it be blood”

I traveled about 3 mph to work this morning because of this cold weather.

I went through parking lots, hopped curbs, slid across side walks and roads. It was exciting. I should walk to work more often.

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Tickle your ass with a feather?

A homeless man is sitting on curb across from a bar. He watches a man across the way speaking to every woman who passes by. Eventually, he leaves with one of the women.  The next day, the same thing happens.  The next day, the homeless man inquires about the man’s secret. “Every woman who passes by,...

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An old one, but felt relevant today.

Little Johny is sitting by himself on the curb. He’s been there for hours only focused on one thing, until the local mailman walks up and says “hey Johny, whatcha doin?”
Johny says “mixin.”
Mailman says “whatcha mixin?”
Johny says
“Mud and shit”
Mailman says “whatcha making?”
Johny...

Two Accountants

One day two accountants, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. One was a vegetarian and constantly berated the other for eating meat! After stopping for a hot dog, the vegetarian erupted "Why do you eat meat?, do you even know what's in that hot dog? You know, you are what yo...

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Don't ever tapp my shoulder

A man took a taxi home from work one day. During the ride he tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver panicked and the car swirled unto the curb and almost crashed through a store window.

\- Don’t ever do that! The driver shouted.

\- I'm sorry, said the man...

A cop lies in wait as a group leaves a bar

Finally closing time, he dims his lights and waits for the group to get in their vehicles.

As the people get to their cars, the first car to leave the parking lot swerves a bit, pops the curb slightly, continues on and gets back on the road and makes a slow start to head home. Seeing this, th...

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A man is taking a taxi to the airport ...

when he realized he left his passport at home and must go back to get it. He reaches through the partition and gently taps the driver on his shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screams and losses control of the cab, jumping a curb, nearly hitting a tree and several pedestrians, finally...

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A moth walks into a podiatrists office

Moth:hey there doc I’ve got a problem

Doctor:sure thing mr moth what can I help you with?

Moth:well you see doc, I lost my job because my boss is a total ass and I finally told him how I feel, got me fired. After that my wife left me because I wasn’t going to be making money for a whi...

3 men go to heaven

(context: this heaven is different, very different, your way of transportation is based on how many times you’ve sinned, ex. larger amount of sins = worse car, low amount of sins = better car)

3 men go to heaven, 1 man walks up to God, God asks the man “How many times have you cheated in you...

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Playing truck driver...nsfw

I ran into a kid sittin’ on the curb.

He would eat an m&m, bite his cat on the ass, and move on down the curb. Eat and m&m, bite his cat on the ass, and move on down the curb.

I said son, “what are you doing?”

He said, “playin truck driver.”

I said, “tru...

A wealthy businessman dies and is standing in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter meets him there and congratulates him on his success on earth. He says, "You know, its a shame that you have done so much and can't take it with you. I'm going to do something special just for you."

He hands the man a briefcase, saying, "I'm going to give you one day to go back down...

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Bobby buys condoms

Bobby walks into a drug store to buy condoms but couldn't find them. He tells the pharmacist "I'm going to need a dozen condoms?". The pharmacist replies "Sure thing. Big night tonight?" With a chuckle and a smile the Bobby said "Oh yeah, I'm going to take my girlfriends virginity tonight. She's a b...

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Terrifying Story

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said "I didn't ...

An man sets his old hot water tank out as garbage.

The next morning the garbage men ignore it. So the next week he sets it out again but in front on his bins this time. The garbage men grab the trash behind it and leave the hot water tank. The next week he puts a sign on it that says "Take this". So the garbage men take the sign and leave the tank. ...

Another Soviet Joke

In the late 1980s, Mikhail Gorbachev, tried to curb alcoholism deaths by limiting the times and places vodka was sold, resulting in huge lines.

One man, in line for vodka, says " I can't take this, save my place, I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate Gorbachev.", and he trudges off into t...

A Nun has to take a cab

She gets into the cab and gives the driver the address she needs to go to.

About half way through the drive the cabbie looks at the Nun through the rearview mirror and says, “You know, I’ve always wanted to kiss a Nun.”

The Nun looks thoughtful for a moment before responding, “Are you...

A college student, A banker, and a bomber are on a plane

They are losing altitude and fast. The pilot says they need to lose some weight if they want to survive. The college student drops his backpack. The banker drops a large safe. The bomber drops a bomb.

A few hours later, walking down the street, a child is sitting crying on the curb. A man as...

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A guy and his dog go into a bar...

...and the guy sits down at the bar.
He orders a beer and drinks it, then orders another. The dog sits patiently at his feet. When it comes time for the guy to pay, he looks the barman in the eye and says, "I'm afraid I don't have any money."
The barman is about to kick this joker's ass when...

Bikers riding drunk

A cop was staking out the local pub for bikers riding drunk. At closing time, he sees a biker stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and fumble for his keys for five minutes.

When he finally gets on the bike, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, every...

A Globe was walking down the street.....

It saw Central America crying on the curb.
The Globe asked, "Why are you crying?"
Central America sobbed, "Because....I will never get any snow!"
The Globe retorted, "Well, NOT with THAT latitude!"

A woman was pulled over for speeding...

When the officer reaches the vehicle he informs the woman that she was driving more than double the speed limit and asks to see her license and registration. The woman refuses to produce them and, when asked why, states that she doesn't have a license or registration and that the vehicle is stolen. ...

[religion] Pat Robertson is on his way to buy some Depends.

As he's walking down the street, he sees a small boy sitting on the curb with a box of newborn kittens. He looks in the box of squirming, mewing kittens, and tells the boy "Those are about the cutest kittens I've ever seen!"

The boy smiles and says "Thanks! They're Christian kittens."

...

Some bar jokes

A snail crawls into a bar. The bartender says we don't serve your kind and tosses the snail out on the curb. 3 years later same snail crawls in and says "What the hell dude"

A Welsh, Englishman and Scot go into a bar and order 3 beers. Each of their glasses has a fly in it. The Englishman to...

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Man walks into a bar ( long)

A fellow walked into the bar,sat down and ordered a beer. Over the course of a few hours he continued to drink beer after beer.
The barman notices that the fellow never got up to go to the gents room. He continued to drink through the night until last call.
At this point, the barman was aston...

Hey Girl, do you recycle?

Because I'd love to crush that box and leave you by the curb tomorrow morning.

3 men pass away and are in line at the pearly gates.

3 men pass away and are in line at the pearly gates.

St. Peter is there and he is checking to see how they lived their lives.

First man steps up and Saint Peter says, “you lived a good life. You were faithful to your wife and never cheated on her. You get to ride up to heaven in t...

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny is sitting on the curb shaking a bottle of clear liquid. He'd shake it, stop and look at the bubbles and shake some more. A preacher come along and said, "What's in the bottle son?" Little Johnny looked up at him and said, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, this here is tu...

Sarah is a girl who was born with no body. No arms, no legs, not even a torso. Nothing below her neck.

In a major medical accomplishment, doctors develop a set of very small devices to function as her internal organs and install them in her neck. These keep her fully functional with exception of being able to walk or manipulate objects as if she had arms or legs.

Once she is released from the ...

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A successful investment banker...

A successful investment banker parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a bus came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's side. The banker immediately whipped out his phone and dialed 911. It wasn't more tha...

I met a little boy today.

He was sitting on the curb, dressed in rags. He had his face in his hands and it looked like he was crying.


I felt kinda bad he was all alone, so I went and sat down beside him.


I said, "Are you an orphan, little guy?"


As he looked up, his eyes were still red and his...

At a rally today Donald Trump ordered the secret service to remove a crying baby.

They had him halfway to the curb before realizing the error.

Stay Stay!!!!!

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backw...

One rainy spring night in Belfast, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.


"Where to?" he stammered.


"Vale Road," answered the wo...

In my early 20s, I was a scumbag - no car, no house, no job. I lived at with my girlfriend's apartment, and sometimes I'd even borrow her car when I went out to cheat on her.

I say "borrow", but I didn't exactly ask her for permission. She worked as a bank teller, so I'd simply wait till she fell asleep -- Then I'd sneak into the night.

When I returned, I'd adjust the seat, radio, and mirrors back how they were before. The less questions, I figured, the better, ...

Drunk in a Taxi

So, a drunk climbs gracelessly into the back of a taxi and says "Drive."

As they pull from the curb, he leans forward and asks the driver, "Do you have room up front for a large pepperoni pizza and a six-pack of beer?"

The driver replies, "Sure!"

The drunk bends over the seat an...

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A Man in Vegas

A man takes a trip to Vegas. After a night of gambling he loses all of his money. Broke and penniless, he tries desperately to find a cab to the airport, so he can get home with the little money he has left. The man gets in a cab outside the casino and says to the driver "I don't have any money left...

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You Never Know What We'll Get

It was the height of the depression and man was feeling pretty lonely. As he was out of work and only had a dollar to his name he made his way to the local house of ill-repute in the hopes of curbing his loneliness. He walks in, approaches the Madam and says, 'say, all I've got is a dollar. Is there...

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A poor couple...

A poor couple try their best to make ends meet. Times were hard, and there were days when the couple couldn't afford to eat. To curb their hunger, the couple would have sex.

One evening, the husband comes home from work and finds his wife humping the arm rest of the couch. Perplexed, the husb...

Three Strings Walk Into a Bar...

Three pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't serve strings here." So the pieces of string walk outside again.

They're sitting on the curb outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says "Hey! I've got an ...

Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......

.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.

A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. ...

God decided to visit Earth...

...so He traveled from Heaven to the big city. He walked down the street until he came upon a beggar sitting against a wall, crying.

"What ails you, my son?" asked God.

"I've been overtaken with a crippling disease and I can no longer walk" replied the man.

However, God took pit...

We don't serve string.

Two pieces of string, walking down the street on a hot summer's day. They walk past a bar, one string says to the other, "Hey let's duck into this bar real quick, get a cold beer" ... They go in, sit down, the bar tender walks over, drying off a glass with a towel, "Sorry fellas, we don't serve stri...

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In the market for a new car...

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where...

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A man is having trouble with endurance in the bedroom.

He sees a specialist about it and the doctor recommends masturbation. "A session in the afternoon a few times a week should make you last longer at night."

Guy decides it's worth a shot, but he isn't sure how to go about it. All the kids are home in the afternoons so his house lacks privacy a...

A man is driving his new mustang

home from work one day. He spots an incredibly obese man sitting on the curb next to a bicycle, breathing heavily. He stops and asks the man what's wrong. The man said that his doctor told him he needed to excersise and lose some weight. As he could barely run he decided to ride his bike. However, o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God sends Jesus back to life to see how his people are living...

Jesus wandered into a first house where a family was having dinner. They politely asked him to sit down and asked his name. Jesus said that he is Jesus and he came back to see how things are going around here. Family was of course confused and kicked him out thinking he is a lunatic.

So Jesus...

Dog Knows Baseball Trivia

Man brings his dog to trivia night at the local bar....

"How can your dog possibly compete if he can't talk?"

"Oh, he can talk, watch this: Duke, which player was the first to hit 60 home runs in a season?"

ROOPH....ROOPH!

"C'mon man, he didn't say Ruth, he just barked."...

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Scooter

Three men die in a car accident. They all go to heaven, and God asks the first one... "how faithful were you to your wife?" He says " I cheated only 4 times." God says aight. Not bad. You can have a Toyota corolla. Second guy same question, just once on a business trip. God is like ok that's great. ...

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