The 123+ Best Fight Jokes

An ex husband an ex wife are in court fighting in a bitter custody battle over their child.

The judge asks the woman: "Why do you feel you deserve custody?"

The woman says: "I brought that child into this world. My child literally came out of me! That is why I deserve custody."

The judge nods his head, and says "That is a simple and logical reason. It makes sense."

The...

Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight

Unless you're prepared for the Reaper cushions

2 blind guys were about to fight

I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins!
Both started running away.

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

A middle-aged married couple live in a small house on the beach. One afternoon they get into a huge fight. The woman says to the man, "I'm so angry I can't even stand to look at you right now," and hands him a large bucket.

"Go down to the beach and fill that bucket up with snails for tonight's dinner," The woman tells her husband, "and once you've done that maybe I'll be able to stand being around you again."

The man reluctantly agrees and heads down to the beach with the bucket. It takes him several hours, bu...

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from New York City got into a fight. Who won?

The 5th grader from Alabama, because he’s 18 years old.

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I saw two guys having a fight on the train. So, being a bouncer, I dealt with the situation accordingly.

I just stood there looking like a cunt.

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Christians, Muslims, and Jews are always fighting,

but Hindus never have any beef.

It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

I got in a fight with 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me!

19 and 20 had a fight.

21.

Never challenge death to a pillow fight

unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions

Think Mayweather/Mcgregor is going to be the biggest fight of the year?

Just wait until my girl finds out I paid $100 to see it.

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I got into a fight with a girl and she said she bets I have a tiny penis

I responded with "what difference does it make to you? You're so ugly I wouldn't touch you with a 1.5 inch pole"

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A fight breaks out at a Newfie wedding...

Chairs are flying and women are crying. The police show up and arrest all the men involved in the scuffle.

They all are brought to the court house and all you hear is chatter. "Order in my court", screams the judge. "Can someone come up and please explain what happened?".

Jimmy speaks...

What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?

Alien vs. predator.

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

Who would win in a street fight between Joe Biden and Donald Trump?

Everyone watching

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George Washington and his men are looking for a place to stay one night after a long fight against the British...

After marching through the woods for some hours, they find a farm. Washington knocks on the door and the farmer answers. Washington says "excuse me sir, I'm sorry to bother you. My men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night?" The farmer look...

Upon arriving in hell, I was surprised to find a clerk asking me, “In which military would you like to serve?” Turns out Alexander the Great, Napoleon, and Otto Von Bismarck overthrew Satan centuries ago and have been fighting each other ever since.

"Oh, that’s an easy one, ” I reply.

The clerk looked at me, skeptical.

“You don’t even want to talk to a recruiter? They can tell you all about the perks of each side.”

“No thank you. I know Napoleon will never lose.”

“Well, that’s a pretty stron...

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Why don't boxers have sex the night before a fight

They just don't really like each other

69 and 70 got into a fight.

71.

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

I went to my first Fight Club meeting last night

Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.

How do you stop a fight between two blind men?

Just say you're rooting for the man with the knife.

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A group of teenagers were getting into a yo mama fight

And everyone was getting into it except the indian boy at the back.

When asked why he wouldn't participate
He replied: "I too would make fun of your mothers but in my culture disrespecting cows is frowned upon."

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

My girlfriend and I had a fight and she asked me for distance and time,

But for the life of me, i cant figure out why she wants to calculate velocity

How do you break up a fight between 2 blind men?

Yell out: 'My money is on the one with a knife...'

Two women were fighting for the last available seat on the bus.

No amount of reasoning was helping the bus driver resolve the issue. In desperation he grabbed his training manual and announced:

'The policy is to allow the seat to go to the uglier one.'

Both women stood for the remainder of the trip.

A husband and his wife were always fighting each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The woman would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..' Neighbours feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared.. To...

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an Anus gets into a fight with two guys at a bar.

He rectum.

The King was leaving his castle to fight in the Crusades. He left the key to his wife's chastity belt with his most trusted knight.

"God commands that I fight, but not even he can promise that I will return. If I die fighting in these holy wars, I leave it to you to release my wife to marry again." The king mounted his horse and rode off the horizon.

As he nearly rode out of sight, he turned back and looked at his kingdom...

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A guy looking for a fight...

A guy looking for a fight walks into a biker bar and shouts, "Donald Trump is an asshole."

The biggest guys in the bar gets in his face and warns him, "You better watch what you say around here."

"Why? Are you a Trump supporter?"

"No, I'm an asshole."

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Just found out that cock fighting is done with chickens!

Well that's 8 month's of training wasted.

A guy calls 911 and says: "Please, send the cops quickly, there are two women fighting over me"

Says the male 911 operator: "That sounds pretty good for you, why do you want the police to come?"

Says the caller: "Because the fat one is winning!"

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the Internet was a thing

I asked my 17 brothers and sisters, and they didn't know either

What do you call a MMA fight between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

A little boy came running up to me and pleaded, "Please help! My daddy is in a fight!" I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, "Which one's your dad?!"

He shouted, "I don't know! That's what they're fighting about!"

My chiropractor and I got into a terrible fight in the middle of my neck treatment.

Now I have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

What do you call a fight between a Mexican and a white man with no girlfriend?

Alien vs Redditor

I got in one little fight and my mom got scared.

She said, "You can't slap Chris Rock because your wifes got no hair"

2 vegans get in a fight

Is it still beef

I got into a bad fight with my girlfriend last night. It turned ugly because she thought I cheated, and I hadn't

We’re in the kitchen and she tries to hit me with a Spatula. I react pretty quickly but all I have is a dish to block it with; but it’s simply no match.

All hell breaks loose when she tried to go for the midsection with Knives. I got lucky and was defended with my well-placed Buckle. It’s ge...

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An Italian and a Greek get in a fight over sex

Greek: the Greeks invented sex centuries before the Italians!

Italians: maybe so but we improved on it by introducing it to women!

Two electric car owners were seen today fighting over a charging port.

The police have said it was a charged environment and they will amp up patrols around area. A lot of witnesses were shocked and some saw someone socket to the other.

Justin Timberlake has volunteered to fight along side Ukrainian Forces

His first task… Crimea River

If you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clowns

Go for the juggler

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I got into a fight with my boner this morning:

Don't worry, I beat it single handedly

Why don’t skeletons fight each other?

Because they don’t have the guts.

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A marine comes back from vietnam after fighting for a year.

He is sent to the pentagon. The pentagon asks him: Do you want to get anything for your sacrifices?

The marine says: I want a dollar for every inch from the tip of my penis to my balls.

The pentagos says: You sure you don't want something else?

The marine says: No sir.

On...

I just saw a man with a tattoo of Howard, Donald, and Daffy fighting each other.

He had all his ducks in a row.

Why should you never fight a dinosaur?

Because you'll get jurasskicked.

A Russian Battalion is Sent to Fight a Finnish Sniper

A Soviet army is marching through a Finnish forest when a general hears a voice from over a hill shout: "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The general promptly send 10 soldiers to root out the voice, there is gunfire, and then silence.

After a few minutes, the voi...

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A pro wrestler is down to fight The Mad Monk, and his manager says to him:

"Whatever you do, don't let him put you in the Mad Monk Hold. That's his signature move and no-one's ever gotten out of it."

But about five minutes into the fight, sure enough, our boy's all wrapped up like a human pretzel, with one arm going one way, one leg going another way, his spine all ...

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If an illegal immigrant got into a fight with a pedophile

Would it be called Alien vs Predator?

The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees.

She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"

A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.

He still…has the right to remain silent.

Did you hear about the fight between two campers?

It was in tents

A kid asks his grandmother "How come ive never seen you and grandpa fight?..."

/ - ... I see mom and dad fight from time to time, but ive never seen you and grandaddy fight... why is that?

/ - Well, says the grandma, we got married in the old church in the middle of town, after the marriage ceremony, we hopped on our horse carriage, it was a long time ago when horse ca...

Have you heard about the guy who stopped a fight at a butcher shop?

He's a real mediator.

What do you call it when a group of cheeses start fighting?

A fromage fray.

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I got in a huge fight with my wife this morning.

At the end of it though, she came crawling to me on her hands and knees, and you know what she said?

"Get out from under the bed you fucking pussy!"

My father always told me you gotta fight fire with fire

Great guy, horrible firefighter.

Did you hear about the fight between Chuck Norris and Superman?

The loser had to wear their underwear on the outside

You guys hear about the fight that broke out at the seafood restaurant?

Battered fish everywhere.

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"How the fuck can you call me a slag?" Yelled my girlfriend during a fight. "I've only slept with seven men."

"Look, can we finish this when they've gone?"

The currencies of the world got into a fight…

The Korean won

What was George Foreman’s reaction to the Tyson/Holyfield fight?

That Tyson bit off more then he could chew

I tried to pick a fight with a guy who had ED...

But I couldn't get a rise out of him...

How do snails fight?

They slug it out.

2 artists had a fight...

It ended in a draw.

I had an idea for a fighting game..

But turns out, it was tekken

The kid next door challenged me to a water fight.

I thought I'd post this while the water boils.

My Girl and I always fight when she's on her period

It's a vicious cycle.

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A Muslim and a Christian get into a fight.

Christian: ever seen a cross? I’m gonna shove one up your ass.
Muslim: oh yeah?? Shove the five daily prayers up your ass.
Christian: WTF are the five daily prayers?
Muslim: they’re a pillar of Islam.

(hope it translates well, It’s more hilarious in Farsi)

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I once won a fight that was five against one.

We really kicked the shit out of that guy.

I had a fight with my imaginary girlfriend.

She said I was never really there.

I once won a 5 on 1 street fight.

We kicked that guy's ass!

Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium

Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, "That's very noble of you"

A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night.

He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight.

He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.

He smashed the first bottle swearing, "you are the reason I fight with my wife".

He smashed the second bottle, "you a...

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A married couple is fighting

A married couple is fighting when the wife says, I don’t want you in this house anymore, pack your shit and get out. Husband starts packing as the wife is still nagging him. The husband opens the door to leave and just as he is walking out the wife says, “I hope you die a slow and painful death you ...

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My wife and I got into a fight a month ago and since then she doesn't talk with me anymore.

We have sex every day but I need to do all the work because she doesn't move either.

What do you call two rabbits in a fist fight?

Hare knuckle boxing.

Me and my GF had a fight about the dictionary

And you know one word led to another

Why did the glass pane start a fight?

Because it was tempered.

I told my husband he should fight his demons

Thats all I remember before being knocked out

I once dreamt of having a fight with chuck norris.

I woke up with a black eye and swollen face.

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land,

and the leader of the captors said, "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."

The Englishman responds, "I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the ...

I was drinking with my buddy and told him “My wife and I had a fight last night. She went historical on me.”

Buddy: Did you mean ‘hysterical’?

Me: No. She went historical. She brought up all my past mistakes.

A man gets in a fight with his wife

A man gets in an argument with his wife during dinner. After the meal, the husband furiously runs down to their wine cellar and opens a bottle of vintage wine. Magically, a genie comes out of the bottle and says "You have freed me. You now have three wishes. But you should know, whatever you wish fo...

2 members of the Swiss army get in to a knife fight,

then a corkscrew fight then a twezzer fight then a ......

After fighting off waves of attacks by the Spartans, Paris went to visit with Helen

But alas, she was not very happy.

“What is wrong, my love?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Come on, my love, I sacrificed so much for you, so you must divulge why you’re not happy.” He pleaded.

“It’s nothing.”

“I’m pleading with you! I will defeat the whole spartan army and Ach...

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you don’t see.

Attack now, while they’re distracted.

A man and his daughter get in a fight

Dad: go to your room, young lady

daughter: Jim Morrison is stupid

she then shuts the door loudly

dad: hey, don't slam the doors

Name one fight you regret starting.

A sword fight with the bidet

Little known fact: as a joke, Peter Jackson made some of the Ents drink tea and chat in the background during the big fight scene at Isengard in the Two Towers

In other words, the real joke is in the calm Ents.

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A king has to go out and fight a crusade during the middle ages. he knows that his wife is very promiscuous and doesn't trust her to stay loyal while he is gone. he decides to install chastity belt device that whenever someone trys to have sex with her, their penis gets chopped off.

10 years later he returns from the crusade. he calls all the men from the village into his castle and orders them pull down their pants. one by one the men pull down their pants. the king finds that almost every man has their dick chopped off. however, the last man in line is still holding strong. t...

You should never have a fight with me

I know karate, taekwondo, kung fu and many other asiatic words

Did you hear about the fight in the candy store?

Turns out some sucker got licked.

BIG FIGHT

Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags.
As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and...

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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

My brother and I used to fight in the pool until the day our mom told us to divide it in half and stay on our side.

I picked the top half.

What do you call a fight in an Indian Restaurant?

Naan violence.

One day a bottle and a mirror were fighting of witch is worse to break.

"If you break me you get one year of bad luck" said the bottle.
"That is just one year. If you break me you get seven years of bad luck" answered the mirror.
But someone was laughing behind them. It was the condom who said "That is nothing. If you break me you get a life time of bad luck."

My dad got in a HUGE fight with my mom. He accused her of smearing glue on his firearms. She denied it.

But he’s sticking to his guns.

does anyone know any good sword-fighting puns? I'm trying to think of words that have...

...a duel meaning.

Earlier today I saw this dude walking out of an erectile dysfunction support group. He looked like a douche, so I tried to fight him. But no luck...

It's almost impossible to get a rise out of those people.

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I got into a street fight with the dairy cartel...

...Being lactose intolerant, I immediately knew shit was about to go down.

Someone tried to fight me because I bought the last steak.

I told him, "I don't have any beef with you."

Why should you never fight a dinosaur?

You'll get jurasskicked!

*Sorry if its lame but my niece just told it and i fell laughing*

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I just found out that cock fighting involves chickens

There's a year of my life I'll never get back!

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Sal the boxing promoter gets a call Saturday morning of fight night

“Hey boss, it’s Joe at the gym. Big Frank’s had an accident and broke his thumb. He can’t fight for a month”
Sal goes into a melt down. Big Frank was his heavyweight prospect and the headline of that nights card in the Big Apple. Faced with refunding the tickets he gets on the phone to all the ot...

Women's Fight Club

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Do you know what the first rule of Women's Fight Club is?" he asks the bartender. "Never talk about Women's Fight Club?" the bartender guesses. "No," the guy replies. "Apparently, it is Never Tell Anyone What You're Mad About."

4 people fighting to sit on the Throne. There's blood, there's guts, there's nudity.

Gonna have to face the facts.

I'm a terrible cook.

I once saw my friend fighting a pregnant women

So I joined him to make it a two-on-two

It's my cake day but I'm really sad. My wife and I got into a huge fight. She went shopping and spent a ton of money on a bag of pasta.

Can you believe that? A bag of pasta!

She insists it will be worth every penne.

String Fight

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.

So I just watched the music video for Radioactive, and if you think fighting stuffed animals are weird…

Imagine Dragons.

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A few friends go to Mexico to watch the bull fights.

Afterwards, the friends go to a restaurant. The waiter asks them, "would you like to try the oysters? They are the testicles of the bull, but we only serve them when the bull loses."

After time, the men decide they do want to try the oysters. Out comes a dish with two huge, round balls, with ...

There was a fight between a blind man, a deaf man, and a mute man

I just have to ask, how long until we end this senseless violence?

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