Never challenge death to a pillow fight

unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions

How do snails fight?

They slug it out.

Why should you never fight a dinosaur?

You’ll get jurasskicked

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from Boston got into a fight, who won?

5th grader from Alabama, because he's 18 yrs old

79 and 80 were in a fight

81

What does Eminem use when he fights?

Marshall Arts

19 and 20 had a fight

21

A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

Did you see the fist fight between stevie wonder and Ray Charles

Neither did they

A mime started a fight in a bar, broke his left arm, and got arrested.

He still has the right to remain silent.

Why should you never fight Destiny?

Because then you will have to fight the bouncers, and every other stripper in the club.

Why is 69 afraid of 70?

Because they once had a fight and 71.

I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

The kids next door challenged me to water fight in the front yard.

I'm just posting real quick while I wait for it to boil.

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My buddy went to the bull fights

My buddy returned from Spain a few days ago and was telling me about his trip. He said he went to the bull fights and later found the best Italian food he had ever had right outside the stadium. The pasta was fresh, the sauce was amazing, and the meatballs were the most tender and well seasoned he h...

Sunday and Monday are in a fight. Who wins?

Sunday. Monday is a weekday.

Did you hear about the fight at the candy store?

Two suckers got licked...

How do you fight a squirrel looking for a nut?

You beat him off.

My friend is holding a grudge after a food fight

He has a chip on his shoulder

What do you call four hundred french rabbits turning around and running away from a fight?

A receding hare line.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIFU by causing a massive fight at our families Labor Day BBQ

Now, a bit of background for you all.
Every year, my grandparents invite the entire family over to their place for their annual Labor Day barbecue.
Very rarely, my cousin Samuel decides to come along, and usually only if he's that desperate for a free meal.
Everyone in my family talks mad s...

There was a huge fight at the boat store.

Paddles were on clearance for 90% off, and people went crazy trying to get them.

It was quite an oar deal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a fight called between an illegal immigrant and a sex offender?

Alien vs Predator

After you win a fight against your enemies make sure you chop off their legs.

It’s the only true way to *defeet* them.

A fight breaks out between Xbox One and PS4 fans. Someone calls the cops. What sound does the siren make?

Wii U, Wii U, Wii U!

Car accident and a fight

I got in a car accident and a fight in the same day! Let me tell you what happened.

I was driving along when some guy pulled out in front of me. I tried to stop, but ultimately rear-ended him. He gets out of his car, and I see that he's a dwarf! He comes over fuming, and exclaims, "I am NOT h...

What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?

Go for the juggler.

Never fight short people

They hit below the belt

My friend made it his life’s mission to fight poverty.

He wrestles homeless people every weekend.

Do you know why some vegans love to start fights with other people?

They need to get some beef in their lives somehow.

I once lost a fight with some underwear.

I was up against a pair of boxers.

But it was very brief.

'Cause I'm pants at fighting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I won my first cage fight earlier

That fucking budgie didn't know what hit him

It is never a good idea to fight Destiny.

Because then you'll have to fight the other strippers and the bouncer too.

I got into a fight with a math teacher the other day.

Frankly it all went smoothly. We put aside our differences and to sum it all up; we got rid of the negatives.

Why do penguins never lose a fight?

When fight or flight kicks in, there's only one way to go

Why should you never fight a dinosaur?

You'll get jurasskicked!

*Sorry if its lame but my niece just told it and i fell laughing*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know if someone is an idiot in a cock fight arena?

He brought a duck to a cock fight.

How do you know if someone is more of an idiot than the first one?

If he placed a bet on the duck.

How do you know if a syndicate is involved?

If the duck won.

I got into a fight it was 1 vs 10

It took some effort but eventually we beat the guy up

What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?

One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tourist in Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing.

While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s testicles ...

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.


The kingdoms ...

I just printed some pamphlets on how not to say the wrong thing and avoid getting into fights.

Who wants some?

I am slowly losing the fight against my crippling depression symptoms.

I couldn’t be happier.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What state do prostitutes fight over?

Idaho.

A man sentenced to life in prison for cannibalism died in a fight last night...

Before the fight, he said "I used to eat guys like you for breakfast"

Now the family is deciding what to do with his body. Some want to have it cremated, others want to put him in the fridge and save him for later.

Two guys stumble out of the bar and want to fight.

One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'm gonna punch you!"


That was the punch line.

The time to fight against climate change is upon us, and this sub is setting fantastic examples.

Everything here is recycled anyway...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I won my first cage fight last night...

Knocked that parrot the fuck out!

Why do computer soldiers fight

For the motherboard

One bright day in the middle of the night

Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot one another.
A deaf policeman heard the noise.
He came and killed the two dead boys.
If you don’t believe my story is true,
Ask the blind man, he saw it too

Not OC, but it was a fav...

How do you stop a fight between two blind men?

Just say you're rooting for the man with the knife.

I won my first cage fight today

Stupid bird never knew what hit it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bravery Award for the man who can drink, fight and fuck!

Once upon a time, a king announced Bravery Award for a man who can drink 10 barrels of wine, defeat a lion and bring back it's tooth and fuck a girl till she faints!
Many men tried, but all failed.

Then came a drunkard. People advised him not to do it, but he persisted, and drank all 10 b...

You hear about the fight at red lobster?

Four fish were battered!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Porn is a lot like a fight between Mike Tyson and some guy in a pub

It's never gonna last the full bout, and 99% of the audience is only there to see one of the players

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet...

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[wife, watching the news] Some idiot was trying to fight a squid at the aquarium.

[me, covered in ink] maybe the squid was being a dick.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

They never mention that part to us, do they .

What do you call a man with no arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat?

Claude.

How do you get two catholic priests to fight in a bar?

You toss in a little boy!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was invited to a cock fight just recently

And my opponent was a damn chicken. Motherfucker didn't stand a chance

Had a water balloon fight with some of the kids in my neighbourhood today. I won!

No one is a match for me and my kettle.

Never pick a fight with a redditor.

He is likely to riposte

My wife and I got in a fight because I lack sense of direction..

So I packed my bags and right.

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One of them takes a stick, draws a line in the sand, and says to the other, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face!”

That was the punchline.

A little boy came running up to me and pleaded, "Please help! My daddy is in a fight!" I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, "Which one's your dad?!"

He shouted, "I don't know! That's what they're fighting about!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just watched Fight Club for the first time and I gotta say...

Oh shit, I almost broke the first rule.

How do you break up a fight between two blind people?

Yell "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

11, 12, 13, 14, and 15 get into a fight and 13 gets murdered.

The police arrive and start the murder investigation. But almost immediately, they release 12, 14, and 15. Everyone is surprised at how quickly and efficiently the police conducted the investigation. A press conference was held and the police were asked how they cracked the case.
The Chief Inv...

1960s Batman Phase (Original Joke Fight Me Reposters)

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it. So he decided he will just make the movie but instead of using the character's real names he would just take away the last letter of their names. Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty part...

A proton, electron and a neuton get into a bar fight.

The bartender calls cops and they show up to arrest everyone. The cops cuff the proton and electron but they let the neutron go because nobody could press charges.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys picked a fight with me in a bar last night. I managed to knock one out.

Sure, it was a strange time to masturbate, but I didn't know if I was going to survive.

A stormtrooper and a red shirt gets into a fight

The stormtrooper misses, but the red shirt dies anyway

Why is soy sauce forbidden in fights?

‘Cause you should never Kikkoman when he’s down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once won a fight that was five against one.

We really kicked the shit out of that guy.

Pun enters a bar. Bloody fight ensues, ten people die.

Pun in, ten dead.

Did you hear about the fight outside the chippy?

The fish got battered and the chips got salted.

So I saw a group of youths (6 in total) starting a fight with a ginger lad

He did some sort of MMA combination and knock ever one of them out, turns out he was the carroty kid.

Did you hear about the firework and the battery who got in a fight the other night?

Apparently one was charged but the other one was let off..

Jussie Smollett walks into a bar fight...

There was no fight

What do you call a fight between E.T. and a man with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

My dad always taught me to fight fire with fire:

Which is probably why he lost his job as a fire fighter.

What did the peanut say when the almond tried to pick a fight with it?

Cashew outside!

Who would win in a fight between Bill Cosby and Cardi B?

Whoever drank last.

2 Florida men get into a fight

I have no idea what happened, but I'm sure it'll end up on the news.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just found out that cockfighting is done with roosters.

That's 27 years of rigorous training, straight down the fucking drain.

I got into a fight in the drug store and they threw a bottle of Omega 3 at me.

Luckily my wounds were only super fish oil.

How does a Jewish person fight?

They use jewjitsu

I’ve had a fight with my siblings.

My friends said “Wow, that must be some huge problems for you”, to which I replied, “It’s relative.”

Why is it a bad idea picking a fight with a Dinosaur?

Because you will most likely end up getting jurasskicked.

What do you call it when two men without arms get into a fight?

Unarmed combat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this couple had a huge fight and now they are so pissed they will only talk to each other by writing notes.

At one point. The man wrote a note to her wife: I have a very important appointment tommorow, wake me up at 7:30.

The wife reply by writing a note: ''Ok, fine!''

The following morning, the man wakes up, and watch his phone: 9:00!

He was super pissed. When he go up, he saw a note...

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