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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

Why should you never fight a dinosaur?

You'll get jurasskicked.

A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from New York City got into a fight. Who won?

The 5th grader from Alabama, because he’s 18 years old.

Never challenge death to a pillow fight

unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions

What do your call a knight that is afraid to fight?

Sir Render.

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I just found out cock fighting is done with chickens.

Months of training wasted.

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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

Why don’t you want to have a pillow fight with Death?

Because of the reaper cushions.

I was walking down the street with a friend and we saw two blind guys fighting

We got closer and I said "My bet is on the one with the knife."
They both ran

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

A Red Shirt and a Storm Trooper get in a Fire Fight in a Hallway...

The Storm trooper misses every shot, but the Red shirt still dies.

Why did the skeleton get in a bar fight?

Because he couldn’t hold his liquor.

A married couple had a fight and weren't speaking to each other for days. One evening, the husband leaves a message on his nightstand. "I have a very important meeting tomorrow that I cannot miss. Please wake me up at 9 am". The next day, he wakes up and looks at the time. It's almost 11...

Wondering if his wife hadn't seen or read the message, he looks at his note and sees a new note beside his that reads: "It's 9 o'clock. Time to wake up!"

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WWII as a bar fight...

I made a bar fight for WWI in honor of the 101 anniversary of its end, and someone requested one for the sequel. So here it is.

Germany went into a deep depression after his defeat in the last fight. His bar tab from his enemies' victory drink was crushing. He started hitting the gym, and wan...

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

The little boy sees a police officer and runs up "Hey, come quick! My father is in a fight with another man!"

The officer follows him around the corner, and sure enough, there are two men fighting tooth and nail.

"Ok, sonny, now which one's your father?"

"I DON'T KNOW! That's what they're fighting about!"

I missed out on the lead role in my theater company's adaptation of Fight Club.

I've really been beating myself up over it.

A bartender told me that the actor from No Country For Old Men started a fight in his pub

I asked, "Javier Bardem"?

He said "No, but I gave him a warning"

How do snails fight?

They slug it out.

A musician walks into a bar and starts a fight with four people, Why?

Because there are four beats in a bar

How did the fight start?

So I rear ended a car this morning. To my surprise the driver of the vehicle I hit was a dwarf. After the collision he gets out of his car, walks over to me and says, “I’m not happy!” To which I replied, “Then which one are you?”. That’s how the fight started.

What do you call a philosopher that can fight?

Kung fucious

We’ve been fighting the war on drugs for years and we’re loosing.

I think we should try doing it sober.

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ...

and no one showed up.

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Andrew and John are getting into a fight in a bar...

Andrew "Man, you're such a pussy."

John "..."

Andrew "Did you know your mom is pretty easy?"

John "..."

Andrew "In fact, I think I'll go and do her right now."

John "Shut up dad, you're drunk.".

I was walking at a park when I see two blind men are gonna fight each other

So I yelled "Watch out! He's got a knife!"
And so.. they're both running away.

My dad always said to "fight fire with fire."

We weren't very surprised when he got fired from the fire department...

Why should you never bet on a bob the builder fight?

Because he will fix it.

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After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action

He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happe...

What do you call it when two redheads fight?

Ginger Beef

I ran across some douchbag millennial in the store running his mouth, calling me a boomer and blaming me for ruining the world. Then he acted like he wanted to fight me.

I said "That's pretty big talk for a guy with no health insurance."

It’s normal for married couples to fight.

The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

Yesterday my girlfriend and I got in a fight when she said I was man-splaining.

But I think she just miss-understood

I love you so much I'd fight a bear for you.

Well not a grizzly bear because
they have claws, and not a panda bear
because they know Kung Fu... But a
care bear, I'd definitely fight a care
bear for you.

What do you call Batman the morning after a big fight?

Bruised Wayne

At a fencing tournament, two people are sitting and watching the fight take place.

One of the spectators had spent her whole life devoting herself to the craft, and would have entered the tournament had she not retired a few years ago. The other, simply a fan who thinks swords are cool, having no real understanding of the sport. The fencer on the left side was playing very aggress...

Their was a fight at the sea food restaurant

battered fish every where

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Why should you never fight a butcher?

Because they'll tare you a new asshole.

If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?

Or a beet down?

Politicians have been fighting the war on drugs for a long time and it's obvious that they're losing.

Maybe they should try doing it sober instead.

I discovered an underground fight club earlier.

Bloody troglodytes.

A fight was started downtown by a man wearing a suit made completely of mirrors

The police said the man apologized once he had time to sit down and reflect.

What did the cannibal say to the 2 people fighting?

Food fight.

Did you hear what happened to the Turkey that got into a fight?

Apparently he got the stuffing knocked out of him.

A man loses his legs in a bear fight

Despite this, he wins the fight, and uses the bears legs to replace his own.
By the time he gets to a hospital, he has full control over his legs,
The doctors tie the legs better, and let him keep them,
About a month later, a ringmaster of a freak circus finds him, and offers him a job in t...

What do you call a Korean high school girl who fights crime in spare time?

Kimchi Possible, obviously

What do you call it when British export and importers fight over future contract prices?

Pound for pound.

Why is 69 afraid of 70?

Because they once had a fight and 71.

#

Sorry guys.

I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

My wife and I had a pillow fight.

The stupid police arrested me saying the term is called ‘smothering’.

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Tyler Durden: Welcome to Fight Club! Thanks for coming!

**Me:** Don’t mention it.

**Tyler Durden:** *[under breath]* Fuck he’s good.

79 and 80 were in a fight

81

Never call someone a wife beater because those are fighting words...

And apparently so are the words “Hi honey how was work” and “Were you out drinking again?”

A fight happened in my Christian Minecraft server

Nothing too big.Just a little "Frick"tion

Did you hear about the big fight last night at the Long John Silvers drive-thru?

Battered fish were everywhere.

The kids next door challenged me to water fight in the front yard.

I'm just posting real quick while I wait for it to boil.

What does Eminem use when he fights?

Marshall Arts

Why should you never fight Destiny?

Because then you will have to fight the bouncers, and every other stripper in the club.

Sunday and Monday are in a fight. Who wins?

Sunday. Monday is a weekday.

A married couple are on a train and in a fight

The fight has become so bad that they aren't talking to each other.

This continues until the train goes past a farm with a lot of cows on it.

Then the first says: "Look that's your family, right?"

To which the other answers: "Yep, in-laws."

A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

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What do you call two people named Jack fighting?

A Jack-off.

19 and 20 had a fight

21

You can’t fight Destiny, because if you try

Then you will have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too.

Did you see the fist fight between stevie wonder and Ray Charles

Neither did they

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What is a fight called between an illegal immigrant and a sex offender?

Alien vs Predator

A mime started a fight in a bar, broke his left arm, and got arrested.

He still has the right to remain silent.

How do you fight a squirrel looking for a nut?

You beat him off.

What do you call four hundred french rabbits turning around and running away from a fight?

A receding hare line.

There was a huge fight at the boat store.

Paddles were on clearance for 90% off, and people went crazy trying to get them.

It was quite an oar deal.

Wich community started fighting for LGTB+ rights first?

The gaming community

I'm fighting conformity!

Who's with me?

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TIFU by causing a massive fight at our families Labor Day BBQ

Now, a bit of background for you all.
Every year, my grandparents invite the entire family over to their place for their annual Labor Day barbecue.
Very rarely, my cousin Samuel decides to come along, and usually only if he's that desperate for a free meal.
Everyone in my family talks mad s...

Two people are fighting over a toaster

One decides to end the argument and says “put a fork in it”

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My buddy went to the bull fights

My buddy returned from Spain a few days ago and was telling me about his trip. He said he went to the bull fights and later found the best Italian food he had ever had right outside the stadium. The pasta was fresh, the sauce was amazing, and the meatballs were the most tender and well seasoned he h...

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A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said

'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.

Pirate: Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.<...

Did you hear about the fight at the candy store?

Two suckers got licked...

My friend is holding a grudge after a food fight

He has a chip on his shoulder

In my opinion, if we're going to fight the war on terror

A good place to start would be our country's haunted houses

After you win a fight against your enemies make sure you chop off their legs.

It’s the only true way to *defeet* them.

How do you stop two blind men from fighting?

You yell, “I vote for the guy with the knife!”

I once lost a fight with some underwear.

I was up against a pair of boxers.

But it was very brief.

'Cause I'm pants at fighting.

What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?

Go for the juggler.

Is this 911? Yes, what's your emergency? Two girls are fighting for me! What's the problem with that sir?

The ugly one is winning! :(

Car accident and a fight

I got in a car accident and a fight in the same day! Let me tell you what happened.

I was driving along when some guy pulled out in front of me. I tried to stop, but ultimately rear-ended him. He gets out of his car, and I see that he's a dwarf! He comes over fuming, and exclaims, "I am NOT h...

Why should you never fight a dinosaur?

You'll get jurasskicked!

*Sorry if its lame but my niece just told it and i fell laughing*

Two skeletons are fighting to the death. One falls down, and the other stands proudly before his fallen foe, with his magestic sword in hand.

The fallen skeleton grins and yells: "You won't finish me. You don't have the guts to do it."

Do you know why some vegans love to start fights with other people?

They need to get some beef in their lives somehow.

I got into a fight with a math teacher the other day.

Frankly it all went smoothly. We put aside our differences and to sum it all up; we got rid of the negatives.

My friend made it his life’s mission to fight poverty.

He wrestles homeless people every weekend.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides.

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuab...

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

I'm not quitting sword fighting because I'm hopeless at it.

I have to quit due to medical reasons.

I keep getting this sharp, stabbing pain.

Never fight short people

They hit below the belt

The fighting needs to stop

An archaeologist and 2 historians are sitting next to each other on a plane. The archaeologist took off his shoes. One of the historians asks the archaeologist to get him a coke. He says yes and when he gets up the historian spits in his shoe. When the archaeologist got back the other historian ask...

It is never a good idea to fight Destiny.

Because then you'll have to fight the other strippers and the bouncer too.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?

Because it's assault.

What’s the point of water fight

If we can’t use boiler

What do you call it when a Mexican and a priest are fighting?

Alien vs predator

I just printed some pamphlets on how not to say the wrong thing and avoid getting into fights.

Who wants some?

What do two snakes do after fighting?

They hiss and make up

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What state do prostitutes fight over?

Idaho.

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How do you know if someone is an idiot in a cock fight arena?

He brought a duck to a cock fight.

How do you know if someone is more of an idiot than the first one?

If he placed a bet on the duck.

How do you know if a syndicate is involved?

If the duck won.

I got into a fight it was 1 vs 10

It took some effort but eventually we beat the guy up

What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?

One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet...

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat?

Claude.

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A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called...

Why do computer soldiers fight

For the motherboard

I am slowly losing the fight against my crippling depression symptoms.

I couldn’t be happier.

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I won my first cage fight last night...

Knocked that parrot the fuck out!

The time to fight against climate change is upon us, and this sub is setting fantastic examples.

Everything here is recycled anyway...

I won my first cage fight today

Stupid bird never knew what hit it

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

They never mention that part to us, do they .

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What Fighting technique does Hitler hate

Jew jitsu

Why should you never start a fight with a rabbi?

He might know Jew-jitsu.

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ givin’ him any of mine.”

The second bull says, “That pretty much says...

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Just found out cock fighting is done with chickens

There goes two years of training I'll never get back :(

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land,

and the leader of the captors said, "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."

The Englishman responds, "I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the ...

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A Rabbit and a bear are fighting in a forest, when a wizard walks by

He explains to them that if they stop fighting, he will grant them three wishes each.

So of course they stop fighting immediately.

“Right,” says the wizard, “why don't you go first, bear?”

The bear thinks about his first wish for a few seconds and then says, “I wish that every b...

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Bravery Award for the man who can drink, fight and fuck!

Once upon a time, a king announced Bravery Award for a man who can drink 10 barrels of wine, defeat a lion and bring back it's tooth and fuck a girl till she faints!
Many men tried, but all failed.

Then came a drunkard. People advised him not to do it, but he persisted, and drank all 10 b...

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[wife, watching the news] Some idiot was trying to fight a squid at the aquarium.

[me, covered in ink] maybe the squid was being a dick.

How do you get two catholic priests to fight in a bar?

You toss in a little boy!

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