4 people fighting to sit on the Throne.

There's blood, there's guts, there's nudity.

Gonna have to face the facts.

I'm a terrible cook.

Did you hear about the Middle Eastern fight?

Some call it fake, but I think the fight Israel.

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If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

89 and 90 got into a fight

91

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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

screwing for virginity.

What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?

Alien vs. predator.

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.

The odds were against me.

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Why shouldn't you fight a dinosaur

Because you'll get Jur Ass Kicked.

Had a fight with an erection this morning.

I beat it single handedly.

Never challenge death to a pillow fight

unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

Did you hear about the fight between 2019 and 2020?

2021.

I tried to cheer myself up by having a pillow fight.

Now I feel more down than I did before.

My father always told me "son, you should always fight fire with fire"

Probably why he lost his job as a fireman

A husband and wife are having a big fight...

Husband: I am fed up now! I can't tolerate you anymore!

Wife: ok then... Just push me in a well so I can die!

Husband: ok google! Find wells near me..

Wife(cring loudly): seriously?!!

Husband (realising): oh no! What was I thinking! I was making a very big mistake!
...

This one time a Persian guy tried to fight me

Iran

After tennis, I came across 2 dogs fighting in the park

so I whistled and threw a tennis ball into the brush. They immediately stopped fighting and chased after the ball. Minutes later they returned, but didn't have my ball.

So I gave them a no ball peace prize

I saw two blind guys fighting in an alley last night.

You won't believe how fast they ran when I said: "My money is on the one with the knife!"

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I’ve just discovered that cock fighting is done with chickens.

12 months of training completely wasted.

What do vegans say before a fight

I’m gonna give you a beet down

A couple kids got in a fight

There were minor injuries

If two vegans get in a fight....

is it still considered a beef?

The first rule of crossfit fight club...

Tell everyone about crossfit fight club.

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My body only fights off illness on Saturday and Sunday

I have a weekend immune system

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I saw a Blackhole getting into a fight with a star

The star went for a punch but got sucked into the Blackhole.
I went up to it and said “Man! You’re one dense motherfucker”.

My uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he kept fighting them off and drowned. We had him cremated...

he burned for three days.

We should make Daredevil fight COVID-19...

I mean, he IS used to fighting things he can't see.

What do you call a fight at the post office?

A P.O. box.

It's always a bad idea to pick a fight against a percussionist.

They hit things for fun.

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There was a food fight at the burger joint, but I didn't participate.

I had no beef in that fight.

What do you call when two soldiers with both upper limbs lost and are still fighting one another?

An unarmed conflict

I was in a 1v10 fight once. It was a hard fought battle and I had to go all out and use all of my martial arts skills.

And In the end we managed to beat the guy up.

19 and 20 got into a fight

21

A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from New York City got into a fight. Who won?

The 5th grader from Alabama, because he’s 18 years old.

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Got into a food fight at a kfc in japan.

Now they call me the karaage kid

A Christian, Hindu, Muslim had a fight on the plane.

They had a fight about whose religion is most powerful.

It was decided they would all try to make other passengers stand by chanting their spiritual words. The person who made most people stand 'UP' is the winner. There were 40 passengers on board.

Christian said: "Bless us, Jesus Ch...

It is WWI. The Germans and the Italians are fighting in trenches.

The Germans have a plan. Since almost all Italians are named Mario, a German would yell, "Hey, Mario!" An unfortunate Mario would pop his head up with "si?" and a German sniper would put a bullet into his forehead. Every day, a few Italians died with "Hey Mario!" "Si?" Boom!

One day, the Ital...

I got into a fight with my girlfriend who has gingivitis

I was spitting facts whilst she was spitting blood.

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

Just saw a sheep fight a cow

Looks like they were in a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad mooooooooooooooooooooooooooood

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Got into a fight in a bar

Met some new people at the bar and tried to break the ice with some jokes.


Went well, till I went to the more offensive ones. Here's the joke I told:

*"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw your laundry in."*

One guy goes crazy and h...

Batman has designed a tuxedo version of his crime fighting costume so he can attend formal occasions.

It's a class action suit.

Superman and Chuck Norris once agreed to a fight.

The loser had to wear their underwear on the outside of their pants for the rest of their life

In News Today, a fight was started downtown by a man wearing a suit completely made of mirrors.....

The police said the man apologised once he had time to sit down and reflect.

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A long time ago, a bear and a hare were fighting in the forest...

Suddenly a magic frog appeared and begged them to stop fighting. In return, the magic frog would grant the bear and the hare three wishes each. The bear and the hare agreed to the terms.

The bear started immediately: "I wish, I wish that all the bears in this forest, except me, will become fe...

A king fighting along side his army...

'How many of them are there?' asked the king from his captains
'About twenty thousand of them, my lord' said the captain.
'Fine, hand my my red cape then'.

The captain confused asked 'Why the red cape my lord?'
'So If I get wounded in battle the men will not see me bleed and th...

Fighting COVID-19 by contact tracing and quarantining those with connections to infected people means that...

Poor Kevin Bacon never gets to leave his home.

With the increasing popularity of the big box stores, small family-owned stores were really struggling in the small town where I grew up. To fight back against the completion, three of them decided to merge.

Aikenhead's Hardware, Stroker Autoparts, and Beaver Lumber got together to make Stroker-Aiken-Beaver. The grand opening was spectacular, everybody came.

Trump brings back the Tide Pods challenge to fight against the Coronavirus

What? It's a disinfectant...

1,732,582,439 and 1,732,582,440 got into a fight

1,732,582,441

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An interview to a marriage who never had a fight in almost 70 years

~ And why have you never had a fight in your marriage?

-It all started when we were getting married, we made the vows, we kissed and then we finished the wedding, then we went to a carriage on the way to our house for our honeymoon and the horse was a beautiful white color.

After wal...

Four ducks are in court for fighting in the park

Judge: You, first duck, what's your name

Duck1: Duck.

Judge: And what were you doing?

Duck: I was just blowing bubbles.

Judge: Okay, that's cool...You, second duck, what's your name?

Duck2: Duck Duck.

Judge: And what were you doing?

Duck Duck: I was j...

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I just realized the fight between obi wan and Anakin perfectly sums up the past year of fighting between Millenials and Boomers, respectively.

When Jedi business becomes too real.

---------------

Millenials: You have allowed this giant turd to twist your mind, until now, until now you've become the very thing you swore to destroy.

Boomer : Don't lecture me, child, I see through the lies of the libtards I do not fear t...

Chip shop fight

I got into a fight with a chip shop owner, we were wrestling on the floor and one of his assistents chucked yellow gunk over us, as I got up the owner pushed me and I fell into the fryer and in that moment I knew i'd been battered.

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Me and my mother in a fight

Me and my mother were in a fight the other day, and she called me a "son of a bitch"

Without missing a beat, I said "u got that right!"

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet

I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

My friend Stewie used to start a lot of fights

That's why everyone called him


Beef Stew

I got COVID-19 and it took 10 days for my immune system to finally fight it off.

Longest anything made in China's lasted for me.

Trump is fighting Covid-19 not only in the US but also for the world

by not only not stopping but promoting global warming. Now that it is confirmed heat and humidity kill Covid-19, I can see Trump was trying to protect us proactively even before the pandemic...

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Once there was a fight between Human Body Parts.

Brain said- I am the Boss, because I take all decisions.

Feet said they want to be the boss because they carry the whole load.

Heart said it is the lifeline and no one can survive without it.

Similarly, Lungs, kidney, liver, Hands, Eyes, etc came up with their reasons.

Wh...

I got into a huge fight with my husband, who was a star war fanatic.

"May divorce be with you. " he said.

I would post a joke about sword fighting

But it's a riposte.

People always say don’t bring a knife to a gun fight..

I don’t know, I always thought the person with the knife has the edge.

The was a fight at a sea food restaurant

There were battered fish everywhere

Pillow fight

The other day I had a pillow fight with Death. I thought I could win but he beat me embarrasingly easily.

I guess I wasn't ready for the reaper cushions.

COVID-19 and COVID-20 were placed in a petri dish to fight

COVID-21

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3 guys were sitting in a biker bar.

A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.

He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face. And said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the hallway...

A group of cannibals were picking fights at me today.

Guess they all wanted a piece of me.

A massive fight happened at the mime convention

You wouldn't have heard of it, they don't like talking about it.

Why do you not fight dinosaurs?

Because you will get jur-ass-kicked! My daughter told me this one

The Island Joke.

There was an island with three kingdoms on it. Let's call them A, B and C. The island had a fresh water lake on it and the lake itself had an island. The three kingdoms always kept fighting over this island.

One day the three kingdoms decided to settle this dispute once it for all and sent sm...

I got into a fight with 1,3,5,7 and 9

The odds were against me

But 2,4,6, and 8 decided to help me

and now we're even.

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Your penis so small....

That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

Dad’s advice some years ago; “If you get into a fight in the pub, put a snooker ball in your sock.”

Worst advice ever, I could hardly walk!

My wife and I fight a lot

But sibling rivalry is normal

Got in a big fight with my wife, told her she doesn’t agree with me on anything!

She said yes I do.

If we stand closely together to fight the virus

that will give us unherd-of immunity.

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

What do your call a knight that is afraid to fight?

Sir Render.

A soldier got injured in a gun fight...

... and kept screaming "medic". The other soldiers took him to the medical tent but he kept screaming "medic". The medic finally arrived and asked him what was wrong and the soldier kept saying "medic". After a few minutes of inspecting the soldier below the waist, he realized that the soldier wasn'...

A husband and wife were fighting.

Wife:why is it that you don't like anyone from my side of family?
Husband: No way, I love your Mother-in-law more than my Mother-in-law.

Why was 69 afraid of 70?

Because they once had a fight and 71

Upon arriving in hell, you’re surprised to find a clerk asking you “In which military would you like to serve?” Turns out Alexander the Great, Napoleon, and Otto Von Bismarck overthrew Satan centuries ago and have been fighting each other ever since.

“Oh, that’s an easy one.”

The clerk looked at me, skeptical.
“You don’t even want to talk to a recruiter? They can tell you all about the perks of each side.”

“No thank you. I know Napoleon will never lose.”

“Well, that’s a pretty strong allegiance... sure you don’t want to ...

The best part of getting a divorce is the food fight at the end

I love me a good old custardy battle

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms ...

How can we fight the corona virus?

Kung Flu

How do you fight a bear?

Dad giving advice to his son "if you're hiking and a 9 foot grizzly rears up, you just reach back, grab a handful of sh\*t and throw it in the bear's eyes. Then run."


Son "Where do you get the sh\*t from?"


"Trust me, it'll be there."

I'm an amazon driver who got in a fight today

Sent that man to god, same day shipping

Me and my mate have just been fighting over which is the best vowel.

I won.

2 hockey players were fighting on the rink.

Both were swinging at each other full strength. Until one lands a nice right hander to the jaw and the hockey player lands face first onto the ice. A player on the bench says "at least he got ice on it right away."

How do snails fight?

They slug it out.

Mrs Piggy and her husband got in a fight last night...

She's come out with a few bruises, but her husband is said to be Kermitose...

Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig."

The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig."

"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk aw...

I hate when my girlfriend and I are in a fight, and she makes a good point.

And stabs me with it.

My new girlfriend wants to fight my ex but I told her that would be a bad idea.

Because my Xbox

What do you call a fight between two ape tribes?

Guerrilla warfare

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I remember running from a fight in the 5th grade. My grandma said "either you fight him, or you fight me"

I whoopped her ass that day.

What do you call a fight with JK Rowling?

A terf war

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Just got into a fight with 4 guys.

I managed to knock one out.

With hindsight, it probably wasn't the best time to have a wank, if I'm honest.

I heard the gangs fighting again yelling, “THE RAVIOLI IS OURS.” And, “NO ITS NOT.” I questioned why they always fought

Then I remembered it’s because I’m in the spaghetto

Before a fight, always yell "Commerce!"

so they know you mean business.

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An old man and his wife get into a fight

It's late at night and an Old man man and his wife got into a bad fight, so the wife gets angry and takes her pillow and covers and goes to sleep in another room.

After some time passes they both get lonely and a bit horny but they are both too proud to apologize.

So the husband came u...

A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight with my classmate.He called me a sissy."

The mother asked, "What did you do?" The boy replied, "I hit him with my purse!"

Kylo Ren and Ray are fighting each other.

As they fight, Kylo Ren says, "I know what your getting for Christmas."

Ray yells at him saying, "stay out of my head!"

Kylo Ren responds, "I have felt your presents."

I think fights between career boxers and famous criminals would be entertaining. We could even make it fair, with different weight classes and everything.

We just need to weigh the Pros and Cons.

What do you call an undead soldier that fights for Social Justice?

A Wight Knight

Once upon a time, there was a triangular lake.

On each side of this lake there was a kingdom. Kingdom 1 was rich and proud. They showed off their wealth at every corner. Kingdom two was wealthy as well, but was humble about it. Kingdom 3 was in great debt, and was struggling to keep their citizens alive.

One day, the kingdoms started a wa...

Dog fight

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog; he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it."
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another dri...

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WWII as a bar fight...

I made a bar fight for WWI in honor of the 101 anniversary of its end, and someone requested one for the sequel. So here it is.

Germany went into a deep depression after his defeat in the last fight. His bar tab from his enemies' victory drink was crushing. He started hitting the gym, and wan...

A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.

He still has the right to remain silent.

Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.

But the virus was as fast as lightning.

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