Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

My dad got in a HUGE fight with my mom. He accused her of smearing glue on his firearms. She denied it.

But he’s sticking to his guns.

What's the number one rule of Vegan Fight Club?

Tell everybody

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A marine comes back from vietnam after fighting for a year.

He is sent to the pentagon. The pentagon asks him: Do you want to get anything for your sacrifices?

The marine says: I want a dollar for every inch from the tip of my penis to my balls.

The pentagos says: You sure you don't want something else?

The marine says: No sir.

On...

How do you beat Dwayne Johnson in a fight?

Throw paper at him

Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight

Unless you're prepared for the Reaper cushions

A husky, a pitbull, and a chihuahua are all fighting over a poodle.

Poodle says: "I'll only choose the mate who can use the words 'Liver' and 'Cheese' in one sentence..."

Husky: "Well that's easy, I love liver and I love cheese!"

Poodle: "That's not gonna work"

Pitbull: "I hate liver and I hate cheese!"

Poodle: "...No"

Chihuahua: "...

How do you break up a fight between 2 blind men?

Yell out: 'My money is on the one with a knife...'

I got in a fight with a guy in a wheel chair the other day

He won't be walking for weeks

I saw two blind people fighting...

and I shouted, "I'm rooting for the one with the knife!" They both ran away.

Samurai wielding sword: now we fight to the death

**Me, nervously clicking pen:** t-they better be right about this

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A pro wrestler is down to fight The Mad Monk, and his manager says to him:

"Whatever you do, don't let him put you in the Mad Monk Hold. That's his signature move and no-one's ever gotten out of it."

But about five minutes into the fight, sure enough, our boy's all wrapped up like a human pretzel, with one arm going one way, one leg going another way, his spine all ...

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What kind of mushrooms get in the most fights?

Shit talky mushrooms

Yesterday I got in a fight with 1,3,5,7, and 9

The odds were not in my favor

I have a rival, but I can only fight him when we meet up under curved architectural structures.

He's my arch enemy.

What do you call a food fight that's been going on for years?

A war of nutrition

My carpet got into a fight.

Ended up getting floored

Why did North Korea fight South Korea?

Because North Korea has no Seoul

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why would you whip your dick out in a knife fight?

The penis mightier than the sword.

There was a fight yesterday, with 2 and 8 on one side, and 4 and 6 on another.

It was an even battlefield.

The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight.

21.

What do you call the sound effect guy for fight scenes?

a pow arranger

Fight with wife

Neighbour: Hey, your wife was shouting & fighting with you this morning and then suddenly she stopped, what did you tell her?


Husband: I told her that she should not shout too much taking advantage of her beauty, that would cause dark circles around her eyes.

Two men got into a fight at the bar...

As one throws a punch, the other asks “Do you know karate?” the other man responds “No”. “You don’t strike me as someone who would”

How does Eminem beat Rappers in a fight?

Mixed Marshall Arts

I had a dream last night that I was fighting an erection.

I was able to beat it off single handedly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't Boxers don’t have sex before a fight?

They don’t fancy each other.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet?

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don’t know either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The lost and found attendant said I couldn't have my lost donkey, so we got into a fight.

Needless to say, I got my ass handed to me.

Megaman and bass get into a fight, and megaman is winning.

Megaman and bass get into a fight, and megaman is winning.

Bass says "why dont you kill me"

Megaman says "killing isn't my forte"

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As principal of the Catholic school, Mother Superior had seen her share of kids gone astray. From smoking cigarettes or pot to fighting and much more. However, it was uncanny how she always caught the guilty ones and set them straight.

I guess you could say she was Nun The Wiser

I once got into a fight with a really big bloke.

Him: "I'm going to mop the floor with your face!"

Me: "You'll be sorry mate!"

Him: "Oh yeah? Why?"

Me: "Well you won't be able to get into the corners very well!"

(Credit to Bob Mortimer)

My grandfather always said "son, you need to fight fire with fire..."

Great guy, terrible fireman though

Humanity and 2020 had a fight...

2021

Why should you never fight a dinosaur?

You would get jurasskicked.

What do you call a fight started by an intergovernmental organisation?

A UN-provoked attack.

My brother and I were fighting over a Mobius strip.

I said there's no reason to argue about this, we're both on the same side.

Why are chromosomes like fighting prisoners?

They both get pulled apart to opposite sides of the cell.

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Me: I'm getting a gun because of my fear if birds.

Therapist: I think you might be getting carried away.

Me: NOT WITHOUT A FIGHT I'M NOT!!!

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion....

February 30, 2021

If two vegans are in a fight...

...is it still considered beef?

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency?

Boy: The ugly one is winning.

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Why don't professional fighters have sex the night before a big fight?

They probably don't like each other.

How do you stop 2 blind men from fighting?

Scream, “look out he’s got a gun!”

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And then the fight started . . .

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'
  
And then the fight started...

----------

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do yo...

Had a fight with my wife....

So I didn't let her sleep on the sofa with me last night...

I see two Mexicans fighting

Call that a Juan on Juan

American/Russian dog fight

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the...

69 and 70 got into a fight.

71.

I just won a water fight against some kids in the park

No one's a match for me and my kettle

Yoda and Chuck Norris got into a fight

Eversince then, Yoda has been speaking backward

I went to a fight the other night...

and a hockey game broke out.

How do you fight a group of clowns?

You go for the juggler

2 members of the Swiss army get in to a knife fight,

then a corkscrew fight then a twezzer fight then a ......

Did you hear about the fight that broke out on the train yesterday?

It all started when the conductor punched a ticket, and it only went more off the rails from there!

I wish the Coronavirus started in Fight Club

Because what happens in Fight Club stays in Fight Club

If Steve Harvey ever get into a fight with his wife...

>!It'd be a family fued...!<

I saw two ladies fighting over the PS5. One knocked the other out.

She must have been an ex-boxxer.

I'm thinking of starting a marsupial fighting championship

I'll call it mortal wombat

Rorschach

Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

Outnumbered 6 to 5, John brought grenades to a water balloon fight.

Isn't that a little... excessive?"

"No, I'm just trying to level the playing field.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today , I learnt that cock fights were chickens fighting!

Months of training wasted!

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A man on a business trip in Spain decides to take in a bull fight

After the event, he stops in to the little restaurant next to the venue called "The Matador". As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants, he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer.

The other customer starts eating what appear to be two large meatballs with great gu...

What did George Bush say when he was fighting in war?

I ambush

I just got into a fight with the firemen...

They keep harvesting my cat tree!

What do you call a retirement community for crime-fighting arboreal rodentia?

Squirrelock Homes

(wait for it)

Joke about it all you want, but Rudy Giuliani is prepared to fight election fraud all the way up to the Supreme ...

... Courtyard by Marriott

Have you heard about the fight in the fish and chip shop?

2 fish got battered.

What’s the quickest way to earn karma using your sword-fighting abilities?

Riposte

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Timmy comes home from school to find his parents in the middle of a fight.

Timmy's parents keep him pretty sheltered, and they don't normally fight in front of him, so he stops to see what is going on. The argument is pretty heated and at this point has devolved to plain old shouting insults at one another.

His mother yells at his father "At least I don't have hairy...

Just saw a fight between a basketball player and a YouTuber...

Don't listen to the media. The basketball player will win in the courts.

A man is driving down a country road going 45mph, and all the sudden he notices a chicken running next to him.

He couldn't believe his eyes, how could a chicken run so fast?

So he speeds up to 60mph to outrun the chicken, and after a few seconds the chicken has caught up to him! He simply can't believe it, he shakes his head and looks back and suddenly the chicken is gone. But no! He looks ahead an...

How do you fight off a home invader with nothing but a mobile phone?

Please respond quickly.

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If the Great War was a bar fight

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

What do you call it when a kid is fighting going to sleep?

Resisting A rest.


(yup! Lamest. Joke. EVER!)

What happened when the two geese got into a fight?

It went south

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

A red curry and a green curry had a fight....

There was no winner...it was a Thai.

People joke, but Trump could be the answer to fighting corona

All you need to do is squeeze him a little and you'll get orange juice with antibodies.

I was fighting overseas

She wanted B's but I said it wouldn't hurt to upgrade

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Another toilet paper run. Hoarders fighting in the store. I’ve finally had enough. I’ve been buying dryer sheets...

My butt smells like lavender, there’s no more static electricity,...

And my old ass, for the first time in many years is wrinkle free!



(Credit Gail Thomas, Grandma’s Funnies)

2020 so far has put up a good fight

but luckily for us 2021.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ...

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, “Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are calle...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new Swabbie joins a Pirate's crew.

A new Swabbie joins a Pirate's crew. He goes to the Captain's quarters and meets the Pirate Captain. He's a grizzled man with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch.

Swabbie: Ahoy Captain, it's looks like you've had quite the history.

Cpt: Aye, I've been sailing these seven seas sinc...

What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?

Alien vs. predator.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rooster and cat got into a fight...

...on a bridge. The cat pounced and the rooster ducked resulting in her falling into the river. The rooster rushed to save the cat. Why?

Because a cock loves a wet pussy.

I'm hiring a group of time travellers to come on an epic mission to fight crime across the 4th dimension.

If you're interested, interview was yesterday

I visited my Great-Grampa yesterday and found him in tears with emotion

When I asked what was going on, He answered:

So many years ago, I fought in World War I. At some point, I saw a German, he saw me, we both aimed at each other but he was quicker and shot first. He missed me. In shock, I just ran away, never to see him again… or so I thought.

You see, s...

A fight broke out between two loan officers

They piqued my interest.

A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from New York City got into a fight. Who won?

The 5th grader from Alabama, because he’s 18 years old.

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it.

He decided he would just make the movie anyway, but instead of using the character's real names he would take away the last letter of their names.

Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting cr...

If I'm ever in a fight, you better hold me back.

Because I can not fight

TIL of Private First Class, Francis Lipton— an American soldier in the Revolutionary war– who invented a delicious new beverage while fighting at Valley Forge.

It was the first known casual tea of
War.

I got into a big fight with a blind man today.

I guess we weren't seeing eye to eye.

Never challenge death to a pillow fight

unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions

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Apperantley some guy just found out cock fighting is done with chickens

He said he lost 2 years worth of training

WHERE DID HE TRAIN?

Why didn't the octopus fight the shark?

Because he was spineless

The best way to fight claustrophobia is to

Come out of closet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of golfers get stuck behind a really slow group

Four golfers (a doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and an engineer) are stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. They start to get frustrated, so they call up the course's pro.

"Hey, how come you're letting guys like this on the course? They're hitting their balls all over the place, spending wa...

My wife told me she wants to give her clothes away to starving children,i told her that if they fit them they arent starving

That is when the fight began

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Once me and my boyfriend had a fight

Later that day I promised to give him a blowjob to settle the dust and get back to our normal lives.

What he didn’t know was that I was hiding wasabi under my tongue. Long story short, we haven’t fought since then.

What do you message your girlfriend when you get into a street fight

Send dudes!!!

What's Wrong?

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.

The man says “Oh just a beer”.

The bartender asked the man “What's wrong, why are you so down today?”.

The man said “My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a...

A brother and mother are fighting.

They're agruing about politics, about who's wrong and who's right. They argue long into the night. This is not the first time that this had happened before. They do this on almost a weekly basis at the dinner table. The brother is the head of his debate club, while his mother is just very stubborn.<...

I don't really like having fights going downhill...

...but sometimes you just gotta roll with the punches

Why is the United States of America losing the fight against Covid-19?

Because they can't shoot it like the rest of their problems.

Twins fighting over whom their mother loves more ....

Twins fighting over whom their mother loves more ....

Mom: It’s hard to tell, because one is a mistake and the other is an accident.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I watched a film last night which was basically about a guy who's attracted to watches. It follows he's struggle to fight he's sexual urges towards timepieces but in the end he sleeps with a rolex.

Its about fucking time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 people are fighting

An American,British, And Chinese are fighting over who is the best swordsman. They say whoever can slice that fly on half wins.

The American slices in half with ease.

The British does 2 slices, and it's in 4 pieces.

The Chinese does one swipe. The American and the British are l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes on vacation to Spain

He enters a restaurant and is greeted by a lovely aroma. The man looks at a table and sees the dish. "what's that?" he asks the waiter. "the dish of the day señor! It is the balls of the bull from this morning's bullfight! An absolute delicacy!"

"heck, I'm adventurous. I'd like to try that." ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a fight between an illegal immigrant and the nerdiest virgin you have ever seen?

Alien vs Redditor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

I saw 2 blind guys squaring up to each for a fight I shouted

“My moneys on the one with the knife!”

You should’ve seen them both run away...

NASA was experimenting with animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

1. What do you call a fight between celebrity actors? ( more)

1. **What do you call a fight between celebrity actors?**

**Star Wars!**



**2. What do you call a man with two pieces of wood on his head?**

**Edward Woodwood!**



3. **What do you call a pig that knows karate?**
**Pork chop!**


4....

89 and 90 got into a fight

91

What do you call two digital artists in a fight?

Graphic Violence

Teacher : Why are you so late?

Student : My Mom and Dad were fighting.

Teacher : So what makes you late if they were fighting?

Student : One shoe was in Mom's hand and another one was in Dad's........

What does a leper say to pick a fight?

You wanna piece of me?!

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