Today I saw two blind guys fighting...

Should've seen their faces when I said "My money's on the one with the knife"

How is Spider-Man always so quick witted during fights?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

If batman didn't fight crime, he would have opened a vineyard...

... Because he brews wine.

(Sorry)

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A married couple is fighting

A married couple is fighting when the wife says, I don’t want you in this house anymore, pack your shit and get out. Husband starts packing as the wife is still nagging him. The husband opens the door to leave and just as he is walking out the wife says, “I hope you die a slow and painful death you ...

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Just found out cock fighting is with chickens

12 months of training wasted

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

Missed Orientation Class of Fight Club

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I'd highly recommend Fight Club.

Not mine and could be old but this will not age

My favorite “And that’s when the fight started” joke!

A drunk man comes home to his wife and stands swayingly before her. She sees that his pants are ripped, his legs are bloody and he has bruises on his knuckles. Odd though, everything above his waist seems perfectly fine.

Wife: Oh no… What’s happened to you this time?

Husband: It was no...

My wife and I were having an argument the other day. She started name calling and not fighting fair, so I responded with "You're rubbish in bed" among other things.

A Few Hours Later At Work, I Felt Terrible About What I Had Said, So I Called Her To Apologize And I Asked Her, "What Are You Doing?"
And She Said, "I'm In Bed."

So I Said, "What Are You Doing This Late In Bed?"
And She Said, "I am doing a survey!"

I had a fight with my erection this morning

I beat it single handedly.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet…

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

2 hockey players were fighting on the rink. Both were swinging at each other full strength. Until one lands a nice right hander to the jaw and the hockey player lands face first onto the ice. A player on the bench says

"at least he got ice on it right away."

I once got into a fist fight with a pirate...

He had mean right hook.

Oh no! I heard that 19 and 20 got in a fight.

It was close, but in the end, 21.

It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

The Last Fight

The battle was long, perilous, and gruesome. The twins made it through nearly three quarters of the enemy battalion before reaching the final lines of the fray. They saw the end stretching over the thin horizon.

With their dwindling energy, they let out another strained cry for battle, and l...

I got in a fight with 1 3 5 7 and 9

The odds were against me!

The first big fight

Wife asked her husband what on TV. He replied, "Dust."

How do you stop a fight between 2 blind people?

You scream: “I bet 10 dollars on the guy with the knife!”

there's 36 ants on an ass, which ones are fighting?

the two in the ring

Why was 69 afraid of 70?

Because they once had a fight and 71.

One day a bottle and a mirror were fighting of witch is worse to break.

"If you break me you get one year of bad luck" said the bottle.
"That is just one year. If you break me you get seven years of bad luck" answered the mirror.
But someone was laughing behind them. It was the condom who said "That is nothing. If you break me you get a life time of bad luck."

Not sure why people say cancer is such a tough fight...

I'm already on stage 4

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The Three Stooges are spending the night in a haunted house... and get up to their usual eye-poking, nyuk-nyuking, slapstick shenanigans. In the middle of the pie fight, a poltergeist appears. Curly throws a cream pie and it turns around in midair and smacks him right in the face!

He turns to Moe and says, "Hey, I think that ghost must have been from Australia."
"Oh yeah, why?"
"Because it just threw a Boo-Meringue at me!"

What is the first rule of fight club for the well-mannered?

You do not talk about the fight club with your mouth full.

Fighting Couple

A married couple were fighting. Deciding it was time to go to bed, the husband says, "Goodnight, mother of six!" to which she replies Goodnight father of two!"

When two vegans get into a fight......

Is it still called a beef?

Two Siamese twins got into a fight.

It was really hard to separate them.

As an American looking at the situation in Afghanistan

It's good to see that, even decades later, the freedom fighters we trained can still drive out a superpower.

What do you call a tree that's afraid to fight?

All bark no bite

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.

Unless you’re prepared to face the reaper cushions.

What fighting style does an amputee use?

Partial arts

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The Bull Fight!

A traveling business man is staying at a hotel in spain for a few nights. He goes down to the hotel's restaurant and tells the waiter to surprise him. So, the waiter brings out this huge plate of spaghetti with two huge meat balls on top.

The business man loved the dish and asked what kind of...

Anybody know who won the origami fight last night?

I couldn't find it anywhere on Paper-View

The gun fight between the turtles and tortoises was barbaric!

Empty shells everywhere.

Mike Tyson once tried to fight the Blair Witch right here in Maryland

He swung at her but he myth'd.

19 and 20 had a fight

21.

19 was injured. 22.

Then came the ambulance Wii U Wii U Wii U

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

What's the number one rule of Vegan Fight Club?

Tell everybody

Never fight a dinosaur.

You'll get jurasskicked!

I once had a fight with Superman

We decided the loser has to wear his underwear over his clothes for the rest of his life.

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A pro wrestler is down to fight The Mad Monk, and his manager says to him:

"Whatever you do, don't let him put you in the Mad Monk Hold. That's his signature move and no-one's ever gotten out of it."

But about five minutes into the fight, sure enough, our boy's all wrapped up like a human pretzel, with one arm going one way, one leg going another way, his spine all ...

I've been breeding non-aggressive Siamese fighting fish.

I call them beta bettas.

Why should you wear good shoes in a fight?

You'll never see de feet

Was fighting with wife over the thermostat

She wanted it at 72 degrees.

I wanted 66 degrees.

We settled on 69.

Not sure either of us was ultimately satisfied.

Did you see the news about the fight that broke out when they played the wrong national anthem for the winning team at the Asian table tennis finals?

The headline read "Hong Kong Ping Pong Sing Song Ding Dong".

My dad got in a HUGE fight with my mom. He accused her of smearing glue on his firearms. She denied it.

But he’s sticking to his guns.

How do you break up a fight between 2 blind men?

Yell out: 'My money is on the one with a knife...'

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

My chiropractor and I got into this terrible fight in the middle of my neck treatment.

Now I have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

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A marine comes back from vietnam after fighting for a year.

He is sent to the pentagon. The pentagon asks him: Do you want to get anything for your sacrifices?

The marine says: I want a dollar for every inch from the tip of my penis to my balls.

The pentagos says: You sure you don't want something else?

The marine says: No sir.

On...

The Battle of Three Kingdoms

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night...

Why did Mike Tyson have to cancel his big fight with Chris Hemsworth?

He was Thor.

Did you hear about the fight at the witch's cafe?

It was bruja brew brouhaha.

Homeless people fight hard to stop Covid

I always see them vaccinating themselves.

A Joke for a Sunday

Jesus was relaxing in Heaven when he noticed a familiar looking old man. Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a m...

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A Catholic priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed. “Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins"

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”
“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner.Nothing serious, just say two prayer...

What do you call a pregnant woman who loses a fight?

Defetud

How do you beat Dwayne Johnson in a fight?

Throw paper at him

Samurai wielding sword: now we fight to the death

**Me, nervously clicking pen:** t-they better be right about this

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My smart ass mouth always gets me in trouble.

I was rear-ended, which caused me to rear-end the car in front of me. The driver, who was a dwarf, approached
aggressively after the accident yelling, "I am NOT happy."

I decided that I would try to lighten things up and answered,
"OK, I can see that, but then which one are you?" ...

What do you call a food fight that's been going on for years?

A war of nutrition

The curtain opens, showing a man fighting in a war. Then he gets captured by the enemy, and gets his feet cut off. The curtain closes. What is the name of the play?

De-feeted in battle!

I have a rival, but I can only fight him when we meet up under curved architectural structures.

He's my arch enemy.

I saw 3 men standing at the urinals.

The first man, a Jewish guy, was peeing 4 streams.
"What happened to you?" I asked.

He explained "Accident at my circumcision. The rabbi had Parkinson's."

The next man, a big tough trucker, was peeing 6 streams.
"And what is your problem?" I asked.

He grunted "I had a fig...

I once got into a fight with a really big bloke.

Him: "I'm going to mop the floor with your face!"

Me: "You'll be sorry mate!"

Him: "Oh yeah? Why?"

Me: "Well you won't be able to get into the corners very well!"

(Credit to Bob Mortimer)

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Why would you whip your dick out in a knife fight?

The penis mightier than the sword.

How the fight started

For our 3rd Anniversary, GF wanted me to bring her to a restaurant where they prepare the food in front of you using the freshest ingredients based on your selection.


I brought her to the new Subway in town and that’s how the fight started.

Did you hear that Steve Harvey got in a fight with his wife?

It was a Family Feud

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

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Too bad punctuations couldn’t fight each other. Imagine a match between “.” and “:”

I’d pay to see that bloody shit.

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Did you hear about the mime who was arrested for masturbating in public?

The police thought he'd put up a fight, but he came quietly.

One woman and four men had a plane accident and they landed on a deserted island

They all manage to survive and build their shelter. But slowly having four men for one woman becomes a problem. The men decide to solve the problem by not fighting but talkind and they decide that the woman should spend a week with each of them one by one. So they went to the woman and told the plan...

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In Texas, close to the border with Mexico, there was a priest who hated Mexicans

That Sunday, after reading the Bible, the priest started his sermon:

"Today we'll reflect on Peter's lie about being a follower of Jesus. That night, Peter acted as a coward and a liar, just like these damn Mexicans we see every day in this town!"

The whole congregation started to shou...

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A pirate walks into his local tavern after being away at sea.

The owner greets him and says “Good to see you, friend. Hey, you didn’t have a peg leg last time you were in here. What happened?”

The pirate replied, “I fell off the deck during an awful storm. A shark bit off my leg while I was in the water, so now I have this peg leg.”

The owner sa...

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A man is trying to find his way in a new town

One day he's walking along main street in the town, being ignored by all the other townsfolk when a man in a pickup pulls up and gets his attention.


"You look like you're new in town there sir," the driver said.


"Yeah I am," said the man.


The man in the pickup...

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What kind of mushrooms get in the most fights?

Shit talky mushrooms

Fighting fire with fire

Is a bad idea, especially as a fireman. It can get you fired.

Original by Bo Burnham, taken out of context.

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Too big for Pedro

Pedro and Juanita are running a cantina in Mexico. One day Pedro having a siesta and Juanita is looking after the bar.

One of the patrons is getting very drunk on tequila and he says "Hey Juanita, I want to kiss you all over your body."

Juanita says "Pees off you peeg."

So he ca...

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And then the fight started . . .

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'
  
And then the fight started...

----------

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do yo...

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Why don't professional boxers have sex before a fight?

They probably don't like each other.

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

Why did North Korea fight South Korea?

Because North Korea has no Seoul

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This is a traditional Scottish joke. I heard it from my dad, he heard it from his dad, and he had it shouted at him by a guy called Johnny Glue-bag

There was once a Russian wrestler with the stage name Ivan the Terrible. His name was well earned for every man who stepped into the ring with him would be killed. He had two infamous moves: the half pretzel which would cripple you for life and the full pretzel which would break your neck and kill y...

My carpet got into a fight.

Ended up getting floored

What's the difference between alcohol and weed?

Five drunk guys will start a fight. Five stoned guys will start a band.

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Man bought a gun.

A few days later, the man goes to his therapist for a regular check-up.

Therapist: "why did you buy a gun? Do you feel unsafe in society or...?"

Man: "I got a gun because of my bird phobia"

Therapist: "I think you might be getting carried away"

Man: *firing into the ceili...

"How can you call me a slag?" Yelled my girlfriend during a fight. "I've only slept with seven men."

"Look, can we finish this when they've gone?"

I attended a self-defence course.

At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...£380."

"I refuse to pay," I told him.

"You have to," he insisted.

"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."

So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, brui...

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A classic joke from my childhood.

There is the private in the army. On the day before he was about to be sent to the front lines, he has to visit the quartermasters and get issued his weapons.

Unfortunately, he overslept and ended up being very last in line. When he finally made it to the desk, the gun master regretted to inf...

My grandfather always said "son, you need to fight fire with fire..."

Great guy, terrible fireman though

A dog walked into a bar and asked for a beer.

One of the other bar patrons, a cowboy with a six-shooter, scoffed.

“I don’t want to drink at the same bar as a dog.”

The dog, offended, challenged the man to a fight. The man looked him up and down then dismissed the pup with a wave of his hand.

"I'm not killing a dog."

...

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter..

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

Two men got into a fight at the bar...

As one throws a punch, the other asks “Do you know karate?” the other man responds “No”. “You don’t strike me as someone who would”

A man goes to the doctor.

He tells the doctor he's been hearing strange buzzing noises all week. The sounds come and go at all times of day, but they have been most intense at night. Sometimes there are multiple distinct buzzes at a time, at different frequencies. The patient says he has hardly slept for the past week becaus...

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A barbarian slave in Rome somehow won the attention of Caesar's daughter

They became lovers. To avoid pregnancy, they agreed to oral sex only. After just a few encounters, they were caught in the act. At first the barbarian, imprisoned and sentenced to fight to entertain the crowd, regretted his poor judgment.

Eventually, though, he was gladiator.

Lady brings a bunny into a vet's waiting room.

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there. "Sit, Fluffy," she says.

Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said sit, now there's a good Fl...

A man hurriedly walks into a bar

Man (trying to catch his breath): bartender, give me a scotch neat before I get into a fight

BT: here you go

Man (gulping all in at once): one more before I get into a fight

BT: here

Man: again, before I get into a fight

BT: here, but out of curiosity, who are you ...

What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?

Alien vs. predator.

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An italian man walks into a pub

The clerk, not wanting a fight between his english customers and the man, takes him aside and tells him not to talk about football.

The man agrees, and then asks if he can talk about sex. The clerk agrees.

The man then proceeds "we really fucked you over, didn't we?"

Why did Superman slowly go insane?

Because he was fighting for Truth, Justice AND the American Way

There was a fight yesterday, with 2 and 8 on one side, and 4 and 6 on another.

It was an even battlefield.

The warden only allowed boys who did a good deed that day to eat supper in the hostel dining room.



During their induction she taught them what were considered good deeds - running an errand for someone, helping an old lady cross the road, teaching other students things they don't understand and the like are examples of good deeds and should be rewarded, she explained.

The young bo...

A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from New York City got into a fight. Who won?

The 5th grader from Alabama, because he’s 18 years old.

2 members of the Swiss army get in to a knife fight,

then a corkscrew fight then a twezzer fight then a ......

I had a dream last night that I was fighting an erection.

I was able to beat it off single handedly

Two Piglets

In a small village, two children are given two piglets by their parents.

The younger brother asks the other, "How will we tell them apart?"

"Well how about we cut the tail off my piglet, that way the one with the tail is yours and the one without a tail is mine." answered the older bro...

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I was talking to my uncle about his high school years…

He said when he started high school he was the biggest trouble maker in the school. He cut classes, got in fights, smoked in the bathroom, etc etc. Said he spent half his freshmen year sitting outside the principal’s office.

Eventually he got expelled and his parents had no choice but to sen...

How do you stop 2 blind men from fighting?

Scream, “look out he’s got a gun!”

Megaman and bass get into a fight, and megaman is winning.

Megaman and bass get into a fight, and megaman is winning.

Bass says "why dont you kill me"

Megaman says "killing isn't my forte"

Fight with wife

Neighbour: Hey, your wife was shouting & fighting with you this morning and then suddenly she stopped, what did you tell her?


Husband: I told her that she should not shout too much taking advantage of her beauty, that would cause dark circles around her eyes.

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The new monk.

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.



So, the new monk goes to the head ab...

What do you call the sound effect guy for fight scenes?

a pow arranger

How does Eminem beat Rappers in a fight?

Mixed Marshall Arts

So a New Yorker wishes to join the Taliban...

And they take him to their leader.

"Do you accept Allah as your God and Mohammad as your prophet?"

"Yes!"

"Will you jihad for the glory of God and his prophet?"

"Yes!"

"Do you believe that after you die, you will join your brethren in God's paradise where rivers of...

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As principal of the Catholic school, Mother Superior had seen her share of kids gone astray. From smoking cigarettes or pot to fighting and much more. However, it was uncanny how she always caught the guilty ones and set them straight.

I guess you could say she was Nun The Wiser

I recently flew to Africa to do some charity work.

It was an eye-opening, shocking experience.
The poverty, the starvation, the fighting.... the *smell*, the noise....

I am never flying economy again.

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The lost and found attendant said I couldn't have my lost donkey, so we got into a fight.

Needless to say, I got my ass handed to me.

Please come quick my dad is in a fight

A boy runs to a policeman and says "Please come quick my dad is in a fight"

The policeman follows him to the fight and before attempting to separate the men asks the boy "Which one is your dad?"

The boy says "I don't know. That's what they're fighting about!"

I see two Mexicans fighting

Call that a Juan on Juan

My brother and I were fighting over a Mobius strip.

I said there's no reason to argue about this, we're both on the same side.

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