Why should you never fight a dinosaur?

Because you’ll get jurasskicked!

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Why don't professional boxers have sex before a fight?

They probably don't like each other.

How do you fight off four burglars with nothing but a TV remote?

Please respond quickly!

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

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Apperantley some guy just found out cock fighting is done with chickens

He said he lost 2 years worth of training

WHERE DID HE TRAIN?

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Little Timmy comes home from school to find his parents in the middle of a fight.

Timmy's parents keep him pretty sheltered, and they don't normally fight in front of him, so he stops to see what is going on. The argument is pretty heated and at this point has devolved to plain old shouting insults at one another.

His mother yells at his father "At least I don't have hair...

When I woke up I had to fight my morning wood

I beat it single-handedly

2 members of the Swiss army get in to a knife fight,

then a corkscrew fight then a twezzer fight then a ......

I asked my girlfriend "If Charizard fights the Dragonite, do you know who would be the winner?"

She said "My ex boyfriend if you don't grow the fcuk up"

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight

Unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

What does a leper say to pick a fight?

You wanna piece of me?!

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3 people are fighting

An American,British, And Chinese are fighting over who is the best swordsman. They say whoever can slice that fly on half wins.

The American slices in half with ease.

The British does 2 slices, and it's in 4 pieces.

The Chinese does one swipe. The American and the British are l...

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I watched a film last night which was basically about a guy who's attracted to watches. It follows he's struggle to fight he's sexual urges towards timepieces but in the end he sleeps with a rolex.

Its about fucking time

I challenged the number 1 to a fight. When 1 showed up, he brought 3, 5, 7 and 9.

The odds were against me.

What do you call two digital artists in a fight?

Graphic Violence

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I picked a fight with some guy.

He punched me in the face and I swallowed a tooth.

That sure came back to bite me in the ass.

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Once me and my boyfriend had a fight

Later that day I promised to give him a blowjob to settle the dust and get back to our normal lives.

What he didn’t know was that I was hiding wasabi under my tongue. Long story short, we haven’t fought since then.

I don't really like having fights going downhill...

...but sometimes you just gotta roll with the punches

My father always said, you need to fight fire with fire.

Great father, terrible fireman.

The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight.

21

Why is society fighting to eliminate the word 'black'?

It's cheaper than equal opportunity.

What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?

Sir Render

I saw 2 blind guys squaring up to each for a fight I shouted

“My moneys on the one with the knife!”

You should’ve seen them both run away...

First rule of vegan fight club...

Tell EVERYONE about vegan fight club !

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt, and says, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punch line.

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

I was watching a fighting scene and I told my dad “I couldn’t jump that high if my life depended on it!”

And my dad replied “but what if a bowl of ice cream depended on it?”

What do you call a fight between two loan sharks?

A conflict of interest

I would post a joke about sword fighting

But it's a riposte

I don’t like fighting girls.

You can’t kick them in the nuts.

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Di...

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

I just saw two blind people fighting

I yelled “he got a knife” and they both started running

What happened after 2 French cities got into a fight?

They made Amiens with each other.

A fight broke out at the seafood restaurant last night

Battered fish everywhere.

What's it called when a gaming console can fight something in front of and behind it?

Backwards combat ability

Why did the cow wear a neckerchief to the MMA fight?

It was mooey tie night.

A man walks in a bar and shouts “free beers outside!” So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.

The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man “what the hell did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!”

The man says “Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them”

I went to a Canadian fight one time

And a hockey game broke out :(

The kid next door challenged me to a water fight

Thought I’d post it here while the water boils.

A friend of mine has been fighting with Corona for 3 months now

Today his doctor told him: “look at you, after all this struggling you are still positive”

Did you hear about the two cows who got in fight?

They had beef.

What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?

Alien vs. predator.

4 people fighting to sit on the Throne.

There's blood, there's guts, there's nudity.

Gonna have to face the facts.

I'm a terrible cook.

Did you hear about the Middle Eastern fight?

Some call it fake, but I think the fight Israel.

The Dog Fight

The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog

  
The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fi...

89 and 90 got into a fight

91

Two crows were fighting and another crow came and broke it up.

"Stop carrion on like that," the third crow said.

Four Squirtles were in court for fighting in the park.

Judge: \*to first Squirtle\* What's your name?

First Squirtle: Squirtle

Judge: and what were you doing?

Squirtle: I was just blowing bubbles.

Judge: okay, that's cool.
\*to second Squirtle\* What's your name?

Second Squirtle: Squirt Squirtle

Judge: and ...

I've been learning to fight and I'm doing great! Yesterday I beat up a high schooler!

I love being a teacher

The past, the present and the future got into a fight.

It was pretty intense.

If you play a prize fight backwards

Is that an unboxing video?

I was late for my first meeting of Fight Club last night and I missed the rules.

Anyway I enjoyed Fight Club, and I really recommend Fight Club.

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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

screwing for virginity.

A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from New York City got into a fight. Who won?

The 5th grader from Alabama, because he’s 18 years old.

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

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If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

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What did the spectator say at the cock fight?

Cluck 'em up!

This one time a Persian guy tried to fight me

Iran

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I was challenged to my first fight the other day. I picked out an outfit, showed up and got my ass kicked.

It turned out not to be my strong suit.

Today I posted a video of Muhammad Ali's "Rumble in the Jungle" fight in reverse.

It's the first in a series of unboxing videos.

A man tried to start a fight by throwing dough, shredded cheese, and tomato sauce at me.

So I said, “You wanna pizza me?”

Why don’t vegans fight

They don’t like beef

A ninja is getting ready to fight a samurai

The ninjas friend asks him "do you really think you can kill him without a sword?"

"Sure-i-can"

A husband and wife are having a big fight...

Husband: I am fed up now! I can't tolerate you anymore!

Wife: ok then... Just push me in a well so I can die!

Husband: ok google! Find wells near me..

Wife(cring loudly): seriously?!!

Husband (realising): oh no! What was I thinking! I was making a very big mistake!
...

With no sports on tv, I'm watching birds fight over worms in the yard...

Only time the Orioles have had a winning record.

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In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country, the President narrowed the field to three finalists, the CIA, the FBI, and the N.Y.P.D. The three remaining contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.

The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the for...

Two cookies are getting ready for their fight

"Lets get ready to crrrrrrummmbleeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

Fighting Big Guys for Dummies

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.”
I said, “You’ll be sorry.”
He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?”
I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”

Bazinga!!

Did you hear about the fight between 2019 and 2020?

2021.

Chinese and Indian troops have been fighting each other with sticks and rocks...

looks like they decided to go directly to world war 4.

How the fight started

When I was married, I walked into my living room with a sheep under my arm... My lazy asss wife was sitting on the couch watching TV... I said “This is the pig that I f*ck when you’re not around...” She said “That’s not a pig, assshole, that’s a sheep...” I said “I was talking to the sheep...”:

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I’ve just discovered that cock fighting is done with chickens.

12 months of training completely wasted.

So I was watching tv last night and saw a trailer for the new fantastic four movie. It looks like its going to focus on their kids and how they team up to fight crime.

Apparently its going to be called "The Fantastic Four's Kin"

Why did the panda bring a bamboo to the fight?

Because bamboo shoots.

An android inexplicably shut down in the middle of a bar fight.

She was later arrested and charged with battery.

Just saw a sheep fight a cow

Looks like they were in a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad mooooooooooooooooooooooooooood

After tennis, I came across 2 dogs fighting in the park

so I whistled and threw a tennis ball into the brush. They immediately stopped fighting and chased after the ball. Minutes later they returned, but didn't have my ball.

So I gave them a no ball peace prize

If two vegans get in a fight....

is it still considered a beef?

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My body only fights off illness on Saturday and Sunday

I have a weekend immune system

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An extremely wealthy man invited his high school friends to his big estate for a reunion.

Aside from being extremely wealthy, he is also extremely arrogant and prideful. As he welcomed his friends to his house, he gave them a tour of his estate, showing his cars, helicopters, private jets, and even his own yacht, all the while bragging about all his assets and wealth. Finally, at the end...

I tried to cheer myself up by having a pillow fight.

Now I feel more down than I did before.

What do vegans say before a fight

I’m gonna give you a beet down

This news just in: The worlds tallest man has lost a fight with a storm.

In my opinion he shouldn’t have let the lightning strike first.

A couple is fighting more than usual these last few years...

After each fight the wife goes directly to the bathroom and cleans it. Once they make up the husband ask the wife

Why do you clean the bathroom every time we fight?

The wife looks at her husband, it’s not only soothing but I use your toothbrush to scrub the toilet

What do you call a fight at the post office?

A P.O. box.

Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously. How do you stop them?

You shout, “I’m betting on the dude with the knife!”

When is Fight Club scheduled to reopen?

there's no telling

I was in a 1v10 fight once. It was a hard fought battle and I had to go all out and use all of my martial arts skills.

And In the end we managed to beat the guy up.

A comedian was fighting a pro boxer

The comedian told a joke. Then the comedian punched the pro boxer in the face. The the comedian asked did you get my punchline?

A couple kids got in a fight

There were minor injuries

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There was a food fight at the burger joint, but I didn't participate.

I had no beef in that fight.

We should make Daredevil fight COVID-19...

I mean, he IS used to fighting things he can't see.

1,732,582,439 and 1,732,582,440 got into a fight

1,732,582,441

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I saw a Blackhole getting into a fight with a star

The star went for a punch but got sucked into the Blackhole.
I went up to it and said “Man! You’re one dense motherfucker”.

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A man ended up in hospital and his wife visits him.

Wife: I barely got here. You wouldn't belive what happened.

Housband: What happened?

Wife: My car broke down. So I asked taxi to take me here. When I told him I don't have enough money, he said "You are either going to sing me a song, or you're going to suck my dick."

Housband: ...

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An interview to a marriage who never had a fight in almost 70 years

~ And why have you never had a fight in your marriage?

-It all started when we were getting married, we made the vows, we kissed and then we finished the wedding, then we went to a carriage on the way to our house for our honeymoon and the horse was a beautiful white color.

After wal...

An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.

“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.

“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

“Let’s not fight about it!...

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A dragon appears and burns down a village...

...so the inhabitants of the another village across the river plead with Sir Roland, a mighty knight, to come and slay the beast.

Sir Roland dons his best plate, arms himself with his finest weapons, and rides out to battle the dragon. He comes to the area where the beast was last seen, and f...

What do you call when two soldiers with both upper limbs lost and are still fighting one another?

An unarmed conflict

My uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he kept fighting them off and drowned. We had him cremated...

he burned for three days.

Superman and Chuck Norris once agreed to a fight.

The loser had to wear their underwear on the outside of their pants for the rest of their life

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A kid keeps overhearing his parents fighting....

During one of the fights he hears them say bitch and bastard. Afterwards and curious, he asks his dad "Daddy what are bitches and bastards?" He says "Theyre different words for boys and girls". The next day he hears them fighting again and he hears them say penis and vagina. Afterwards and curious a...

Lesser known Knights of the Round Table

“I was the knight no one expected to see on the battlefield.” - Sir Prize

“I shall see you around.” - Sir Cumference

“We shall fight on land or sea.” - Sir Fenturf

“I was the knight who was afraid to fight.” - Sir Render

“I was the unbelievable knight.” - Sir Real

...

It is WWI. The Germans and the Italians are fighting in trenches.

The Germans have a plan. Since almost all Italians are named Mario, a German would yell, "Hey, Mario!" An unfortunate Mario would pop his head up with "si?" and a German sniper would put a bullet into his forehead. Every day, a few Italians died with "Hey Mario!" "Si?" Boom!

One day, the Ital...

I got into a fight with my girlfriend who has gingivitis

I was spitting facts whilst she was spitting blood.

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A long time ago, a bear and a hare were fighting in the forest...

Suddenly a magic frog appeared and begged them to stop fighting. In return, the magic frog would grant the bear and the hare three wishes each. The bear and the hare agreed to the terms.

The bear started immediately: "I wish, I wish that all the bears in this forest, except me, will become fe...

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

With the increasing popularity of the big box stores, small family-owned stores were really struggling in the small town where I grew up. To fight back against the completion, three of them decided to merge.

Aikenhead's Hardware, Stroker Autoparts, and Beaver Lumber got together to make Stroker-Aiken-Beaver. The grand opening was spectacular, everybody came.

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Got into a food fight at a kfc in japan.

Now they call me the karaage kid

Once upon a time in a far away land...

There's a triangular lake, with three kingdoms on each side of the triangle.

The first kingdom is very rich, and the people are content. It has a very competent army, with a squire for every knight, and a total of twenty thousand knights. There is no hunger in the land.

The second kin...

In News Today, a fight was started downtown by a man wearing a suit completely made of mirrors.....

The police said the man apologised once he had time to sit down and reflect.

Wrestling is so stupid;

men with no pants, fighting for a belt.

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Two boys, 8 and 10 constantly swear...

One evening, when the boys are fighting, the mother gets fed up and decides she is done.

She tells the boys " I've had enough of your potty mouths! The next time I hear you cuss, I'm going to slap you!! Now get to your rooms!!!"

The next morning she is in the kitchen when the boys co...

What do you call I fight between notch and jk Rowling?

A TERF war

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table,leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker look...

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet

I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

Guys meet my Siamese fighting fish

He’s betta known as Trevor

Dave and his girlfriend are at a party on a hot day.

It’s a good party, everyone is having fun. And eventually the catering comes in, and everyone starts lining up to get their food and drinks. Dave’s girlfriend is feeling a bit tired, so Dave offers to go up and get her a drink. She happily thanks him and asks for some lemonade just to quench her thi...

A king fighting along side his army...

'How many of them are there?' asked the king from his captains
'About twenty thousand of them, my lord' said the captain.
'Fine, hand my my red cape then'.

The captain confused asked 'Why the red cape my lord?'
'So If I get wounded in battle the men will not see me bleed and th...

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