What do you call a fight between Trans people?

TRANSACTION

Chuck Norris and Superman had a fight

The loser had to wear their underpants on the outside

Never challegne Death to a pillow fight

Unless you're prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

A farmhand loses both his farm and his hand after getting into a fight with his dad over politics...

...would be a really bad but accurate way to describe the plot of Star Wars.

What do you call a fight between two Rednecks?

The Clash of Klans

My brother and I used to fight in the pool until the day our mom told us to divide it in half and stay on our side.

I picked the top half.

The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight.

21

After many years of fighting crime as batman

Bruce Wayne finally got married and had a son. His son turned out to be brilliant at investing, especially in bitcoin, making Wayne Enterprises one of the biggest companies on the planet.

All this time, Bruce had been training him, and when the time was right, Bruce introduced his son to the ...

does anyone know any good sword-fighting puns? I'm trying to think of words that have...

...a duel meaning.

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Two brothers are fighting…

… in front of their mother and it starts to turn violent. The mother tries to intervene and stop the fight. The younger brother who is taking the brunt of the hits gets frustrated that he couldn’t get as many punches his brother landed says, “Step aside bitch”. The elder brother hearing this gets an...

Today I saw two blind guys fighting...

Should've seen their faces when I said "My money's on the one with the knife"

How do I talk to my girlfriend about her weight without starting a fight?

Whenever I bring it up with my wife she gets upset.

Did you hear about the food fight at the local Chinese Restaurant?

Everybody was Kung Pao Fighting!

My two Vietnamese friends were fighting but they made up

It’s a Nguyen Nguyen situation

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Cardi B was seen running in fear from a water balloon fight.

What a wet ass pussy.

I had a fight with my erection this morning

I beat it single handedly.

My favorite “And that’s when the fight started” joke!

A drunk man comes home to his wife and stands swayingly before her. She sees that his pants are ripped, his legs are bloody and he has bruises on his knuckles. Odd though, everything above his waist seems perfectly fine.

Wife: Oh no… What’s happened to you this time?

Husband: It was no...

Went to my first fight club last night

I got there a bit late so I missed the orientation but wow it was amazing. If anyone wants more information, let me know!

\- credit to my friend Brian who popped this one off last night. He's not a very original sort so I'm sure he stole it from somewhere.

Whenever the wife and I fight I sit down and watch my wedding video in reverse

I take the wedding band off her finger, hand her back to her dad and walk out of the chapel with my best mate

A man tried to start a fight by throwing dough, shredded cheese, and tomato sauce at me.

So I said, “You wanna pizza me?”

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

What’s the difference between fight club and narcissist club?

You always talk about narcissist club.

Who would win in a fight between the Joker an John Wick?

The Joker because he would make John Wicks pencil disappear

How do you get two blind people to stop fighting?

Shout “They got a knife!”

It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

What do you call a large reptile that shows up out of nowhere to start a fight?

An insta-gator!

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Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and s...

Two blind men.

This morning I had to break up a fight on the sidewalk. Two blind men going at it with their canes.
I said: "Break it up guys,What the hell is going on here!"
Blind man 1:"You owe me fifty dollars!"
Blind man 2: "I don't understand what the hell his problem is!, I told YOU! ,"I WILL PAY YOU...

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A married couple is fighting

A married couple is fighting when the wife says, I don’t want you in this house anymore, pack your shit and get out. Husband starts packing as the wife is still nagging him. The husband opens the door to leave and just as he is walking out the wife says, “I hope you die a slow and painful death you ...

If batman didn't fight crime, he would have opened a vineyard...

... Because he brews wine.

(Sorry)

Child: "Officer! Please come quickly! My father and another man have been fighting for an hour!"

Police Officer: "What? Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

Child: "Until just before my father seemed to be winning."

Why shouldn’t you get in a fight with an Italian baker?

Because he’ll beat the focaccia.

I just started a fight in the pub with four massive skinheads.

I hope my mates won

My wife and I were having an argument the other day. She started name calling and not fighting fair, so I responded with "You're rubbish in bed" among other things.

A Few Hours Later At Work, I Felt Terrible About What I Had Said, So I Called Her To Apologize And I Asked Her, "What Are You Doing?"
And She Said, "I'm In Bed."

So I Said, "What Are You Doing This Late In Bed?"
And She Said, "I am doing a survey!"

How do you stop a fight between 2 blind people?

You scream: “I bet 10 dollars on the guy with the knife!”

Why 2, 4, 6 went for a fight and lost?

It is because the odds are against them.

Missed Orientation Class of Fight Club

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I'd highly recommend Fight Club.

Not mine and could be old but this will not age

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Just found out cock fighting is with chickens

12 months of training wasted

What is the fastest way to stop a verbal fight between deaf people?

Turn the lights off.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet…

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

I once got into a fist fight with a pirate...

He had mean right hook.

One day a bottle and a mirror were fighting of witch is worse to break.

"If you break me you get one year of bad luck" said the bottle.
"That is just one year. If you break me you get seven years of bad luck" answered the mirror.
But someone was laughing behind them. It was the condom who said "That is nothing. If you break me you get a life time of bad luck."

2 hockey players were fighting on the rink. Both were swinging at each other full strength. Until one lands a nice right hander to the jaw and the hockey player lands face first onto the ice. A player on the bench says

"at least he got ice on it right away."

I got in a fight with 1 3 5 7 and 9

The odds were against me!

Not sure why people say cancer is such a tough fight...

I'm already on stage 4

A disturbing but true story about me

When I was born, my mother died and my father abandoned me. So I spent my entire childhood with my aunt and uncle.

When I was in my late teens, I stumbled upon a video that my sister had made of herself. It was then that I realized that she was really, really hot. I watched the video twice, a...

The first big fight

Wife asked her husband what on TV. He replied, "Dust."

When two vegans get into a fight......

Is it still called a beef?

Why was 69 afraid of 70?

Because they once had a fight and 71.

The Last Fight

The battle was long, perilous, and gruesome. The twins made it through nearly three quarters of the enemy battalion before reaching the final lines of the fray. They saw the end stretching over the thin horizon.

With their dwindling energy, they let out another strained cry for battle, and l...

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The Three Stooges are spending the night in a haunted house... and get up to their usual eye-poking, nyuk-nyuking, slapstick shenanigans. In the middle of the pie fight, a poltergeist appears. Curly throws a cream pie and it turns around in midair and smacks him right in the face!

He turns to Moe and says, "Hey, I think that ghost must have been from Australia."
"Oh yeah, why?"
"Because it just threw a Boo-Meringue at me!"

Fighting Couple

A married couple were fighting. Deciding it was time to go to bed, the husband says, "Goodnight, mother of six!" to which she replies Goodnight father of two!"

What is the first rule of fight club for the well-mannered?

You do not talk about the fight club with your mouth full.

Two Siamese twins got into a fight.

It was really hard to separate them.

What do you call a tree that's afraid to fight?

All bark no bite

What's the number one rule of Vegan Fight Club?

Tell everybody

Three kingdoms at war

There's a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake:

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people.

The second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of we...

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A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they're training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She h...

Did you see the video of Bruce Lee fighting his long lost brother?

Man, it was Ug Lee.

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The Bull Fight!

A traveling business man is staying at a hotel in spain for a few nights. He goes down to the hotel's restaurant and tells the waiter to surprise him. So, the waiter brings out this huge plate of spaghetti with two huge meat balls on top.

The business man loved the dish and asked what kind of...

What fighting style does an amputee use?

Partial arts

Anybody know who won the origami fight last night?

I couldn't find it anywhere on Paper-View

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

How do you break up a fight between 2 blind men?

Yell out: 'My money is on the one with a knife...'

A grey piece of tarmac rolls into a bar

He says "I'm the biggest and toughest piece of tarmac around, and I'll fight anybody in here."

The barman says "if you're so tough, go fight that red piece of tarmac over there."

The grey piece of tarmac looks over at the red piece of tarmac and says "I'm not fighting that guy, he's ...

As an American looking at the situation in Afghanistan

It's good to see that, even decades later, the freedom fighters we trained can still drive out a superpower.

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A pro wrestler is down to fight The Mad Monk, and his manager says to him:

"Whatever you do, don't let him put you in the Mad Monk Hold. That's his signature move and no-one's ever gotten out of it."

But about five minutes into the fight, sure enough, our boy's all wrapped up like a human pretzel, with one arm going one way, one leg going another way, his spine all ...

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

Why should you wear good shoes in a fight?

You'll never see de feet

Never fight a dinosaur.

You'll get jurasskicked!

My dad got in a HUGE fight with my mom. He accused her of smearing glue on his firearms. She denied it.

But he’s sticking to his guns.

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A marine comes back from vietnam after fighting for a year.

He is sent to the pentagon. The pentagon asks him: Do you want to get anything for your sacrifices?

The marine says: I want a dollar for every inch from the tip of my penis to my balls.

The pentagos says: You sure you don't want something else?

The marine says: No sir.

On...

A plane crashes in the pacific ocean. The only survivors are five men and a gorgeous woman

After a few days they end up on a desert island. After several failed attempts to get in contact with the outside world, they give up and come to terms with the fact that they have to spend the rest of their lives on this island.

They quickly acquire the necessary skills to build houses and l...

The gun fight between the turtles and tortoises was barbaric!

Empty shells everywhere.

19 and 20 had a fight

21.

19 was injured. 22.

Then came the ambulance Wii U Wii U Wii U

Mike Tyson once tried to fight the Blair Witch right here in Maryland

He swung at her but he myth'd.

Was fighting with wife over the thermostat

She wanted it at 72 degrees.

I wanted 66 degrees.

We settled on 69.

Not sure either of us was ultimately satisfied.

I once had a fight with Superman

We decided the loser has to wear his underwear over his clothes for the rest of his life.

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During the Vietnam war many men were being drafted

One man was young and in good shape but he didn’t want to fight in the war. He hid in his house for a long time. One day he decided he had to go out side. He was sick of being stuck in that house. He walks outside down the block and all of the sudden a military vehicle turns around the corner. It s...

Homeless people fight hard to stop Covid

I always see them vaccinating themselves.

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

I've been breeding non-aggressive Siamese fighting fish.

I call them beta bettas.

Did you see the news about the fight that broke out when they played the wrong national anthem for the winning team at the Asian table tennis finals?

The headline read "Hong Kong Ping Pong Sing Song Ding Dong".

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With my bear hands

Me and wife at dinner:
Me “I kinda think it would be bad ass to be a special forces”
Wife: “you can’t fight though”
Me: “ I can kill a man with my bare hands”

Wife, serious as hell “you mean to tell me you’ve had bear hands this whole time and you didn’t tell me?”

My chiropractor and I got into this terrible fight in the middle of my neck treatment.

Now I have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

I'd really like to meet this Rorschach guy.

And ask him why he has so many pictures of my parents fighting.

Samurai wielding sword: now we fight to the death

**Me, nervously clicking pen:** t-they better be right about this

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

How do you beat Dwayne Johnson in a fight?

Throw paper at him

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Big Hickey

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse. After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours. Afterward the fel...

Why did Mike Tyson have to cancel his big fight with Chris Hemsworth?

He was Thor.

What do you call a food fight that's been going on for years?

A war of nutrition

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Why don't professional boxers have sex before a fight?

They probably don't like each other.

I once got into a fight with a really big bloke.

Him: "I'm going to mop the floor with your face!"

Me: "You'll be sorry mate!"

Him: "Oh yeah? Why?"

Me: "Well you won't be able to get into the corners very well!"

(Credit to Bob Mortimer)

A Joke for a Sunday

Jesus was relaxing in Heaven when he noticed a familiar looking old man. Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a m...

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Why would you whip your dick out in a knife fight?

The penis mightier than the sword.

I have a rival, but I can only fight him when we meet up under curved architectural structures.

He's my arch enemy.

What's the difference between an egg and a walrus?

An egg doesn't fight back when you're hungry.

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What a fish…

So, one day a monk goes fishing. He walks out on the pier, throws that line out there nice and good, and lets it rest for a bit. BAM! Fish on! And man, is he fighting! Falling over, sliding across the pier, no good! Some good Samaritans decide to help. They prop him up, and fight that good fight! Be...

Did you hear about the fight at the witch's cafe?

It was bruja brew brouhaha.

A happy marriage

A man and woman had been married for more than sixty years. They had shared everything They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her abou...

Satan: So, what brings you to hell?

Me: I'm innocent!

Satan: Just tell me, what did you do?

Me: I saw my friend fighting a pregnant woman, so I jumped in to make it 2v2.

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The Richard Fight

Just like the Josh Fight, if there was one for the Richards, the person who won would be crowned the ultimate dick

What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?

Alien vs. predator.

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Too bad punctuations couldn’t fight each other. Imagine a match between “.” and “:”

I’d pay to see that bloody shit.

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And then the fight started . . .

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'
  
And then the fight started...

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My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do yo...

A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from New York City got into a fight. Who won?

The 5th grader from Alabama, because he’s 18 years old.

A man walks into his first session with a psychiatrist

His mood is almost as dark as the room, shades drawn almost fully closed with just enough light to cast shadows like a priest’s confessional stall. *Perfect*, he thinks, *this will be easier if he can’t see the tears welling in my eyes*.

He sits down and breathes a heavy sigh. The clock tick...

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One spooky night on Halloween...

Chris, an urban adventurer. was looking to have some fun.

He decided that since it was Halloween, it would be the perfect time to explore a spooky house. He asked the locals if they knew of any, and they informed him of this abandoned mansion not to far from where he lived. He was warned cou...

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Submitted Dating ad:

I am man, 33, looking for a long term relationship.
Profession: Member of parliament for 11 years.
Traits: Strenuous, hard-working, righteous, honest, incorrupt, truthful, fighting for the rights of poor people.

Answer:
I am 30.
Profession: Working 15 years as a prostitute.
Tra...

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A cowboy from Texas stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ...

While sipping his beer, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”
The waiter replied, “Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called *C...

What are the two biggest fears of Russian military?

That the Chinese learn how to fight like the Finns, or that the Finns learn how to breed like the Chinese.

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A Catholic priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed. “Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins"

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”
“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner.Nothing serious, just say two prayer...

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What kind of mushrooms get in the most fights?

Shit talky mushrooms

The Battle of Three Kingdoms

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night...

How the fight started

For our 3rd Anniversary, GF wanted me to bring her to a restaurant where they prepare the food in front of you using the freshest ingredients based on your selection.


I brought her to the new Subway in town and that’s how the fight started.

2 members of the Swiss army get in to a knife fight,

then a corkscrew fight then a twezzer fight then a ......

My grandfather always said "son, you need to fight fire with fire..."

Great guy, terrible fireman though

My carpet got into a fight.

Ended up getting floored

Fighting fire with fire

Is a bad idea, especially as a fireman. It can get you fired.

Original by Bo Burnham, taken out of context.

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The Royal Newspaper

The King and Queen decided to get pets, so the King issued a decree: "Handsome reward for finest Royal pets."

The Queen immediately falls in love with a white, long haired kitten, bred in a faraway land. After payment, the kitten disappears and the distraught Queen sends the entire staff to l...

Two men got into a fight at the bar...

As one throws a punch, the other asks “Do you know karate?” the other man responds “No”. “You don’t strike me as someone who would”

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

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