I just killed a massive spider crawling across the floor with my shoe.

I don't really care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Did you hear about the recent lottery winner? It was the Old Woman In A Shoe, seriously! Guess where she lives now?

Beverly Heels.

Have you guys heard of the huge fire at the shoe factory?

10,000 soles were lost. The police said some heels started it.

A man with two left feet enters a shoe shop

He asks: "Excuse me, do you have flip flips?"

My friend Adi is a world class shoe expert. If you asked me “what’s the best shoe brand,” I’m not sure I’d know the answer. But I’d guess...

Adi does.

What are a kidnapper’s favorite shoes?

White Vans

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into a shoe store looking to buy a pair of boots...

There’s an Irishman behind the counter who pulls out a box of comfortable looking boots for the man.

The man tries on the left boot, a perfect fit. He laces them up and is fairly convinced he’ll be buying them.

“Paddy, this boot’s a perfect fit. Will you pass me the other boot so’s I c...

Why should you wear good shoes in a fight?

You'll never see de feet

What happened to the inventor of the inflatable shoe?

He popped his clogs.

The guy who invented velcro shoes thought to himself

'Why knot?'

What did Optimus Prime say when Bumblebee said "Nice shoes!"

Thanks, they're Vans.

I bought shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This girl told me my shoes were "fucking ugly"

So me being who I am, I took a trip to Foot Locker. I came back about 2 hours later.

"Hey so I went to the shoe store..."

The girl looked at my shoes, disguised.

"You didn't get any new shoes..."

I looked at her very confused

"OH no I wasn't going to buy shoes, I ...

Never judge a person until you have walked a mile in their shoes

Because then you are a mile away and have their shoes!

I've often found that shoe salesmen make quite good detectives...

They always know when something is afoot.

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop.

The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.<...

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now take off my bra and panties." and so I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

Waiter! Why does my dessert have a shoe print in it?

Sir, you did say "Apple pie and step on it!"

Why did a Christian go to church without wearing shoes?

Because it has no soul

Why is it a bad idea to flush old wooden Dutch shoes down a toilet?

It would start Clogging up

What are German counterfeit Adidas shoes called?

They’re of course derdiedas. >!Cue in Americans not getting the joke!<

Worst name for a shoe brand?

Achilles

A young man was showing of his new sportscar to his girlfriend

she was thrilled at the speed.

"If i do 200 km/h, will you take all of your clothes off?"

The girlfriend felt adventurous, and said "yes, of course"

He brought the car up to the 200 km/h benchmark. However, he was unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car swerved, then ...

What is a kidnapper’s favorite type of shoe?

White Vans

(courtesy of my dark-humored step-kiddo)

I just quit my job working in a shoe factory

It was sole destroying

A reporter is interviewing a wealthy investor and asks what the secrets were to his success. “Well, I’ll tell you one of the best financial decisions I made was based on stock advice I got from a shoe shiner”

“I figured if my shoe shiner is giving out stock tips, it’s probably right to get out of the market”

If you could make shoes out of wood you'd be...

A clever clogs, wooden shoe!

Beware of Lil Nas X's Satan Shoes.

The devil might steal your sole.

How do shoe stores diversify their portfolios?

They invest in socks.

What shoes do ninjas wear (dad joke N°1)

Sneakers

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So a blond woman was at a shoe store arguing about the price of alligator boots

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go give...

Remember when some guy put a bomb in his shoe and tried to get on an airplane?

Now we all have to remove our shoes just to get past security and get on a flight. I wish that had been a woman with a bomb in her bra.

When I put my shoes on earlier I suddenly felt very ill and drowsy and the room started spinning

I think they might have been laced with something

What do you call the shack where all the halfling nuns wearing too small shoes live?

The hobbled habited hobbit habitat.

The village blacksmith was glad to have finally found an apprentice that did not mind the long hours and was willing to work hard.

He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”The apprentice did just as he was told.

And now he’s the village blacksmith.

What type of shoes do bananas wear?

Slippers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story! 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

Where can you find a free pair of designer shoes in any size?

The mosque

Wife asks her husband will he remarry if she dies.

Husband: No how can I think of remarrying.

Wife: Why not? You would need a partner for your bad times. Please remarry if I die.

Husband: You are so sweet... Even after death, you are worried about me.

Wife: Will you let her use my car?

Husband: Of course not

Wife: ...

What do you call expensive shoes?

Cashews..

- My 9 yr old son.

I bought a pair of running shoes the other day

Let me know if you've seen em.

Paul's height is six feet, he is an assistant at a butcher shop and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh?

Meat.

Man goes in to a shoe shop and buys some tortoise skin shoes

Took him 3 hours to walk out of the shop

What's the difference between introverted and extroverted engineers?

The extroverted engineer looks at *your* shoes...

What would James Charles say if he were a shoe that doesn't fit?

Hi blisters!

In his grandfather's overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955

A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90.
In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.
In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see t...

What did the shoes say to the underwear?

I'm going to go ahead, why don't you give those two a lift.

You know the scene, balding dude in a convertible with a hot chick.

She peels off her top and says "Faster you go, the more i take off!"

She's down to her socks and he's doing 120 mph when they crash. Dazed and confused she finds the driver pinned in the car and goes for help, but all she can find to cover her bits is his shoe.

Stumbling out into the h...

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I've been taking care of my elderly grandfather and he asked me to come tie his shoes while he was on the toilet

I said, "you can't be serious"

He said, "I shit, you knot"

Last night at the pub my friend told me he doesn't trust doctors.

When I asked why he said, "About ten years ago I developed a limp and a pain in my leg. I went to the doctor and he told me that the problem was that one of my legs was shorter than the other, and that I would need to wear special shoe inserts to even them out." I replied, "That doesn't sound crazy....

Where does the chicken shop for their shoes?

Reebokbok

I took a video of my shoe yesterday.

It was some pretty good footage

Posh dad Joke: Every week I’d have a shoe stolen after gym

Like, could be a school shoe or a trainer or a rugby boot. Every week I had one stolen. It would be returned the next day or be at lost property but every week I lost a shoe.

After weeks of this happening I told my dad. He looked me in the eye and said “every week, you have a shoe stolen. Are...

What shoe can’t make up its mind?

Flip flops

Men are like shoe laces

They go through many holes before they tie the knot

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A slipper

What do you get if you cross shoe polish with yeast?

Loafers that rise and shine

My wife dated a clown before she started going out with me.

I had some pretty big shoes to fill.

How do shoes taste?

With their tongues

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How bout a blowjob?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,‟You know,I don't know what else to do.Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking,I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.I take my shoes off befo...

A woman goes out shopping with her husband

A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of boot she loves.
The husband says "No chance love, they're way too expensive."
Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hand on her hip and then lower to her thigh.
She turns...

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
...

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How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In little knotsies

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes. "What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "N...

Homeless guy is walking in one shoe

Somebody asks him:

-Oh, have you lost your shoe?

-Nope, I've found one!

What’s a sus dudes favorite pair of shoes?

SKETCHers

TIL I'm allergic to leather.

Every time I wake up with my shoes on, I have a massive headache and feel quite sick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm glad I let my girlfriend move in with me.

If it wasn't for her, I'd have never known that shoes don't fucking go there.

Humans go through reincarnation. What do shoes go through?

A reboot.

The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. I could be his head wasn't screwed on just right. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that

he was Jewish.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was sitting on a public toilet when I heard a Voice from the next cubicle.

"Excuse me, did you by any chance have circumsion from Doctor Smith?"

Surprised, i replied "Why yes but how could you possibly have known?"

"He always cuts on a slant. You're peeing on my shoe."

Thanos should’ve thrown his shoe off the cliff on Vormir

A sole for a soul

What is a shoe repairman's favorite dessert?

Tearinmyshoe

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop...

It was sole destroying

I had to stop wearing my Linkin Park shoes

Made my feet numb

Two marines played a mean prank on an army soldier: after boarding a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston, they decided to put their plan into action... one sat in the window seat, and the other sat in the middle seat waiting for their buddy to join them, and pretty soon he did...

Just before take-off, an army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two marines. The soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the soldier, "I'll get it for ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse has been stolen from old farmer Sven, so Sherlock Holmes was called to the scene to investigate the crime.

The horse was black with white big spots on it according to farmer Sven. Holmes searched for clues together with his trustworthy friend and assistant, Dr. Watson, and found a vague trail of horse cloves and a persons shoes going away towards a strangers stable.

Holmes knocks on the door to t...

What type of music is played in every shoe store in South Korea’s capital city?

Soul

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Celtic vs. Rangers

(Celtic and Rangers are rival Scottish football teams, the fans are *not* fond of each other.)

At the Celtic vs. Rangers match, Jimmy, a Celtic fan accidentally ends up with the Rangers fans.

To his bad luck, he is spotted just as Celtic score.
A huge, drunk and angry Scotsman walks...

What did the old timey New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes?

"You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gentleman on his way to a job interview in Brooklyn breaks the sole of his shoe.

Not wanting to arrive at the interview with a broken shoe, he asks some by-standers where the closest cobbler is.

“You’ll want Olaf Von Gundersen.” says one gentleman. “He isn’t very close by but he’s quick and his prices are just right.”

Having no choice, the man with the broken shoe...

I once dated a co-worker at a shoe store.

It didn't end up working out. Guess we weren't sole-mates after all.

What do you call a one-man shoe store?

A sole proprietorship.

The shoe factory burned down today. Sadly, there were no survivors.

Rest In Peace all those poor soles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Hey Watson, is that mud on your shoes?”

No. Shit, Sherlock.

What material was the first shoe made out of?

Wooden shoe like to know?

My wife didn't like the wooden shoes I made for her, tried to flush them down the toilet.

Now the damn thing's clogged.

A man buys new shoes

And wants to show them to his wife. He gets naked, with the exception of his shoes, and parades out in front of her. "And? Notice something?"

"Nope", she says, "It's hanging like it always is".

"Well", the man says, "it's just admiring my new shoes!"

She turns around in bed, "ne...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Mystifie...

What kind of shoes did the punster receive?

UGHs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl that had uneven legs

She had shoes made special for her and everything so she could walk normally.

Her name was Eilean

What do you call a red-head playing the piano by themselves in worn out shoes?

A soulless sole-less soloist.

What did the shoes say to the pants?

Sup britches!!

Why did the robot go to the shoe shop?

To get rebooted

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching a bunch shoe store clerks arguing at a grocery store checkout line ...

It just kept escalating until an all-out bawl broke out at the store. At the end, the shoe store guys kicked the crap out of all the grocery packers. Just goes to show...

Baggers can't beat Shoes'ers ...

What did they say about the couple who had the same shoe size?

They were sole mates

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(mildly NSFW) What is the difference between masturbation and shining your shoes?

When you shine your shoes you get them off -before- you rub them vigorously.

Did anybody hear the one about the lad who tied his shoe laces using just the power of his mind?

Thought knot.

What’s the best kind of shoes to sneak around in?

Leather... They’re made of hide.

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe.

Little Johnny walked into class with only one shoe.

The teacher asks Johnny with a chuckle,
“What happened? Did you lose a shoe?”
Johnny looks up and responds,
“No ma’am, I found one.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a plane.

An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off.

Soon enough, he got hungry.

"Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis.

The man to his right said he would like a Coke.

"Of course." said ...

Whats shoes do dogs like to wear?

Dog martins!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

Shoe Store

When I was young my parents started up a shoe store, which wasn’t overly successful but they made ends meet. Due to various economic pressures they had to outsource labour overseas to China. My father, Bob, could speak Mandarin so always conversed with the manager of the production plant in their na...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Smith family name gets its origin from a line of blacksmiths. The Cobbler family name get its origin from a line of shoe repairmen.

What the hell was going on with the Dickinson family?

What do you call a guy from Illinois with rips in his jeans, shoes, and a hole in his shirt and forehead?

An ambulance

After a day of walking around, a man comes home with his newly bought shoes

He says to his wife: “I bought these shoes from a drug dealer”
His wife said: “what’s the problem?”
He responded: “I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day”

My doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear...

I overheard him telling his colleague that I had "Serious healthy shoes".

Do I need to wear socks when I have a shoe

bless me, when I have athletes foot?

The shoe I'm wearing just fell apart.

I guess it was on it's last leg.

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