I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe

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What’s a sex offenders favorite shoes ?

White Vans.

Bert, at 75 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them and he was so delighted with his purchase decided to wear them home to show the missus.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret at age 73, looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen...

Me: You’re shoes are on the wrong feet.

4yo:

Me:

4yo:

Me:

4yo: I don’t have any other feet.

Me: Fair enough.

An old man was walking down the street in the Soviet Union and realized his shoe was untied.

Upon realizing it, he bent down to tie his shoe, and when he finished, he stood up only to realize there was a man standing behind him.

"Oh, excuse me, Comrade, I didn't mean to get in your way," the old man said, but got only a grim stare in response.The man turned to walk away, but then r...

I bought shoes from a drug dealer once…

I’m not sure what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

Why do rappers always buy small shoes?

'Cause they all have lil ft.

I met a fellow fetishist at the shoe store last week

We really got off on the right foot

Why do you think I always wear my trusty shoes?

Its because i have trust issues.

I got so mad at these uncomfortable wooden shoes that I tried to flush them down the toilet.

Worst clog ever.

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

What type of shoes does a bully hate?

A goody two shoes.

What shoes does a British apartment wear?

Flats!

A gentleman went to the shoe store.

A gentleman went to the shoe store. The shopkeeper first sanitized his feet well. Then washed by rubbing with water. Then cleaned it thoroughly with towel and put on the shoe.
Gentleman liked the shoe, he paid the price and started walking from the shop.
The shopkeeper asked him: "What else ...

I FINALLY opened my shoe store that only sells large sizes.

Let me tell you, that was no small feet.

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The Bocelli leather shoes.

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of t...

Why dont people eat shoes?

Because they've been laced

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Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and s...

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A man is working in the shoe factory

A man is working in the shoe factory, talking with his supervisor from across the line. As he works on the incomplete shoe, he strikes up a conversation with his boss. "Anything new in your world Bob?" he asks. "Yeah, actually! I just finished my degree and am starting a 2nd job as a therapist!", he...

I took a test on shoes

totally laced it

I told my friend that he had his shoes on the wrong feet.

He said, "These are the only feet I have, genius."

What's the difference between an oak tree and a tight shoe?

One makes acorns, the other makes corns ache.

Why was the little shoe so sad?

Because his momma was "loafer" and his daddy was a "sneaker"

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If Shaggy opened a shoe shop.

He would be

Mr. Loafer Loafer

I hate buying Velcro shoes

I don’t know why anyone would buy them they’re such a rip off

Have you heard about the fire at the shoe factory?

Many souls where lost.

Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?

(So they land softer when they're sky diving?) No, because white ones scuff up too easily.

\---

Why shouldn't you go out in the savannah between 4pm and 6pm?
\--That's when the elephants go sky-diving

\---

Why do elephants live in herds?
\---To get the group dis...

What did the Grim Reaper say when he walked into a shoe shop?

I've come for your soles!

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Bought a pair of boat shoes

They don't float for shit. I fell right in.

Did you hear about the recent lottery winner? It was the Old Woman In A Shoe, seriously! Guess where she lives now?

Beverly Heels.

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now take off my bra and panties." and so I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

Today I thought I had a quarter in my shoe which didn’t make sense

Turns out it was a nickel which made even less cents.

A good case for shoes

What's the difference between a linen store, and a nudist with diarrhea?
One has fitted sheets...

Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes

That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes

I just tied your shoes together!!!

.....................KNOT.

Why are unworn shoes so proud?

They have never known da feet.

An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.

It's quite obvious to each of the three men know where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you to do you? This is my seat after all."

The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! ...

A man with two left feet enters a shoe shop

He asks: "Excuse me, do you have flip flips?"

My friend Adi is a world class shoe expert. If you asked me “what’s the best shoe brand,” I’m not sure I’d know the answer. But I’d guess...

Adi does.

When we were kids, my brothers and I would race to put our shoes on every morning.

It always ended in a tie.

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A man goes into a shoe store looking to buy a pair of boots...

There’s an Irishman behind the counter who pulls out a box of comfortable looking boots for the man.

The man tries on the left boot, a perfect fit. He laces them up and is fairly convinced he’ll be buying them.

“Paddy, this boot’s a perfect fit. Will you pass me the other boot so’s I c...

The guy who invented velcro shoes thought to himself

'Why knot?'

What happened to the inventor of the inflatable shoe?

He popped his clogs.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have yo...

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So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop.

The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.<...

I just saw Paddy in the Supermarket.

I noticed one of his shoelaces was undone, I said watch you don't trip over your laces Paddy.

Paddy says "yeah it's the bloody instructions."

I said, "what instructions Paddy?"

Paddy says, "underneath the shoe, it says "Taiwan."

Why should you wear good shoes in a fight?

You'll never see de feet

I've often found that shoe salesmen make quite good detectives...

They always know when something is afoot.

What did Optimus Prime say when Bumblebee said "Nice shoes!"

Thanks, they're Vans.

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory?

10,000 soles were lost!
Police say some heels started it!

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Helpful Friend

A young man was planning to marry his high-school sweetheart. But he was shy and had never had sex with her or any other girl for that matter, so he was nervous about his wedding night.
He had a friend who had a reputation of being a lady’s man and a known track record of bedding more than his sh...

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So a blond woman was at a shoe store arguing about the price of alligator boots

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go give...

I just quit my job working in a shoe factory

It was sole destroying

Waiter! Why does my dessert have a shoe print in it?

Sir, you did say "Apple pie and step on it!"

What is a kidnapper’s favorite type of shoe?

White Vans

(courtesy of my dark-humored step-kiddo)

A couple is expecting their first child

The father is overjoyed. He goes to the nearest clothing store and gets a little shirt, a tiny pair of pants, an adorable little hat, and the most exquisite (and expensive) pair of shoes for his soon to be child. He and his wife stand on their porch, waiting for 2 whole weeks for the stork to arrive...

In his grandfather's overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955

A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90.
In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.
In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see t...

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How come Italy is shaped like a boot?

Can’t fit that much shit in a shoe.

Free Organic Pathologist Test

Go upto a tree and take a leak:


* If pee attracts ants, you've got diabetes.
* If it dries fast, your sodium is high.
* If it smells like meat, your cholesterol is high.
* If you forgot to unzip, it's Alzheimer's.
* If you missed the tree, Parkinson's.
* If you peed on yo...

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A Scottish man had a shoe on his penis

When he was asked what he was doing, he replied "just fucking aboot"

Worst name for a shoe brand?

Achilles

Why is it a bad idea to flush old wooden Dutch shoes down a toilet?

It would start Clogging up

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Arranged Marriage

A guy meets three potential girls on a couple of dates to decide his bride for an arranged marriage. His friend asks, “so how did it go?”

Guy: “Well, I decided to do a little experiment. On first date, I gave each of them $1000, and then asked them what they did with it on the second date a w...

What are German counterfeit Adidas shoes called?

They’re of course derdiedas. >!Cue in Americans not getting the joke!<

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The Man, The Myth, the Legend: Frank Feldman!

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you nee...

I took a video of my shoe yesterday.

It was some pretty good footage

Remember when some guy put a bomb in his shoe and tried to get on an airplane?

Now we all have to remove our shoes just to get past security and get on a flight. I wish that had been a woman with a bomb in her bra.

What type of shoes does Voldemort wear?

Horcrocs

A happy marriage

A man and woman had been married for more than sixty years. They had shared everything They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her abou...

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This girl told me my shoes were "fucking ugly"

So me being who I am, I took a trip to Foot Locker. I came back about 2 hours later.

"Hey so I went to the shoe store..."

The girl looked at my shoes, disguised.

"You didn't get any new shoes..."

I looked at her very confused

"OH no I wasn't going to buy shoes, I ...

The curious case of Sherlock Holmes

We all know the most brilliant detective of all Sherlock Holmes.

Well one day a lady came to his office inquiring him about something quite unusual.

She asked him this, "If you're the greatest detective of all then can you tell which color panties am I wearing today?"

Sherlock h...

A reporter is interviewing a wealthy investor and asks what the secrets were to his success. “Well, I’ll tell you one of the best financial decisions I made was based on stock advice I got from a shoe shiner”

“I figured if my shoe shiner is giving out stock tips, it’s probably right to get out of the market”

What kind of shoes do amphibians wear?

Open toad.

How do shoe stores diversify their portfolios?

They invest in socks.

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A 6'4'' ninth grader was acting up in class. His teacher looked at him and said, ''Act your age, not your shoe size.''

The boy looks down at his size 14 shoes, then says, ''But they're the same.''

A young man was showing of his new sportscar to his girlfriend

she was thrilled at the speed.

"If i do 200 km/h, will you take all of your clothes off?"

The girlfriend felt adventurous, and said "yes, of course"

He brought the car up to the 200 km/h benchmark. However, he was unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car swerved, then ...

What do you call expensive shoes?

Cashews..

- My 9 yr old son.

Why did a Christian go to church without wearing shoes?

Because it has no soul

What do you call a shoe that is made from bananas?

A slipper

What shoes do ninjas wear (dad joke N°1)

Sneakers

What do you call the shack where all the halfling nuns wearing too small shoes live?

The hobbled habited hobbit habitat.

Beware of Lil Nas X's Satan Shoes.

The devil might steal your sole.

Last night a thief broke into the shoe factory. (Original, I think)

Police have identified a sole perpetrator.

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A date in the 1950's

Back in the 50's Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he arrives at the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool.” say...

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I've been taking care of my elderly grandfather and he asked me to come tie his shoes while he was on the toilet

I said, "you can't be serious"

He said, "I shit, you knot"

What would James Charles say if he were a shoe that doesn't fit?

Hi blisters!

Paul's height is six feet, he is an assistant at a butcher shop and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh?

Meat.

What do you get if you cross shoe polish with yeast?

Loafers that rise and shine

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How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In little knotsies

Posh dad Joke: Every week I’d have a shoe stolen after gym

Like, could be a school shoe or a trainer or a rugby boot. Every week I had one stolen. It would be returned the next day or be at lost property but every week I lost a shoe.

After weeks of this happening I told my dad. He looked me in the eye and said “every week, you have a shoe stolen. Are...

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Mild NSFW Long - A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern...

A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern for the first time after his honeymoon.  He is greated fondly and his friends buy him a few rounds. He gladly downs them then orders a drink of his own. A few drinks in now, his ear pick up three of the older farmers talking:


"You see this! Mary da...

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A man is watching the news one day

There is a commercial advertising a weight loss company. It says that you can lose anywhere from 5 pounds to 50 pounds in increments of five and it only cost $10. They said they have a 100% satisfaction guarantee and if you aren’t satisfied you can have a refund.

The man believes that this is...

Italian couple get married and having dinner at lady's Mum's house

(best told in Italian accent, sorry if I brutalise Italian accent).
Maria is daughter of elderly, quite traditional Italian mother. Franko is her new hubby, war veteran, early discharge after accidentally stepping on a landmine.
Daughter, son in law and Mum hanging out in kitchen, Mum turns to...

What shoe can’t make up its mind?

Flip flops

Homeless guy is walking in one shoe

Somebody asks him:

-Oh, have you lost your shoe?

-Nope, I've found one!

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She loves going commando

There was once a woman who never wore panties. One day she decided to go shopping for a new pair of shoes, and since she was wearing a skirt, the salesman was enjoying the view.

After trying on her fifth pair of shoes, the salesman can't stand it anymore and said "Lady, that is a beautiful si...

Where can you find a free pair of designer shoes in any size?

The mosque

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night…

when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the sta...

I bought a pair of running shoes the other day

Let me know if you've seen em.

Thanos should’ve thrown his shoe off the cliff on Vormir

A sole for a soul

Men are like shoe laces

They go through many holes before they tie the knot

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An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra

The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."


The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good." The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years ...

I tried really hard to enjoy my job at a shoe factory.

But I just didn't fit in.

How can you recognize an extrovert Finn?

When they talk to you they stare at the tips of *your* shoes.

I was getting home very late after drinking with friends...

I was getting home very late after drinking with friends.

When I was close to home I turned off my headlights, put the car in neutral and coasted up to the house. I closed the car door very quietly, took off my shoes and closed the front door very quietly. Carrying my shoes I tip toed up th...

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A man walks into a bank and approaches the counter.

He yells "This is a fuck-up!" Confused the bank teller asks "Don't you mean stick-up?" The man scuffs his shoes on the carpet and says "No, I've left my gun at home.

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A gentleman on his way to a job interview in Brooklyn breaks the sole of his shoe.

Not wanting to arrive at the interview with a broken shoe, he asks some by-standers where the closest cobbler is.

“You’ll want Olaf Von Gundersen.” says one gentleman. “He isn’t very close by but he’s quick and his prices are just right.”

Having no choice, the man with the broken shoe...

Did anybody hear the one about the lad who tied his shoe laces using just the power of his mind?

Thought knot.

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Redneck book of manners.....

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


5. Even if you're ...

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I suggested to my wife that maybe it’s time we asked our roommates to move out, seeing as they are obnoxiously loud and leave their shit everywhere.

After throwing her shoe at me, she told me that it’s apparently illegal to kick your kids out before they are 18.

What did they say about the couple who had the same shoe size?

They were sole mates

The shoe factory burned down today. Sadly, there were no survivors.

Rest In Peace all those poor soles.

Where does the chicken shop for their shoes?

Reebokbok

My wife just came home with 12 new dresses.

"What could anyone want with 12 new dresses?!?" I asked her.

She replied
"12 new pairs of shoes, of course."

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Hand Grenade Sale

One day a man was walking down the street with his wife, and his wife’s boyfriend.

As they were walking they happened upon a flea market, with tons of booths setup selling all kinds of goods. Each booth had a sign above with the items they were selling.

Hand made blankets 2 for 10$...

What is a shoe repairman's favorite dessert?

Tearinmyshoe

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop...

It was sole destroying

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