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I needed a new way of saying, "If the shoe fits, then wear it."

I was in an argument with someone and didn't want to say, "If the shoe fits, then wear it."

And I came up with

"If the dildo fits then go fuck yourself."

:)

I took a video of my shoe yesterday.

It was some pretty good footage

Did anybody hear the one about the lad who tied his shoe laces using just the power of his mind?

Thought knot.

TIL I learned to Never buy shoes from a drug dealer

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day

Which letter has its own shoe brand?

A “D” does

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I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe

I don't care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fucking shoe.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.

That way you're a mile away, and you have his shoes.

You know what's easy to make? Shoe jokes.

Too bad they have no sole. They just seem to cobbled together. I'd like to boot anyone making shoe jokes from my life.


I assume you guys didn't get a kick out of that string of jokes, so I'll just sneak away.

Yesterday I ate yeast and shoe polish,

Today is my turn to rise and shine.

If what they say about the size of a man’s package being related to his shoe size is true...

No wonder everybody’s looking for Bigfoot.

What sounds like a sneeze and is made out of leather?

A shoe

2 Irish men get the idea to sell crocodile shoes

2 Irish men get the idea to sell crocodile shoes after seeing an expensive pair in a Dublin City shop.

They fly to Africa, set up beside a notorious crocodile infested lake and go to work.

After a long day the 2 men have left a long line of dead crocodiles all along the lake shore.
...

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Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.

"Harde...

What do you call a shoe that is made from bananas?

A slipper

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory?

A lot of good soles were lost...

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What's the common point between jews and shoes ?

Its easier to find in 39 than in 45


Edit : Thanks for the gold king stranger ! That was a joke. sorry if i offended anyone, just wanted to make people laugh, have a good day

Did you know that shoe makers are very talkative?

They love to converse

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The nake...

Nike should make shoe named the Lebron James and charge half price ….

because they dont come with a soul.

A young farmer is being taught by an old hand how to take care of the animals. Today he's showing him how to shoe a horse

Halfway through the old man asks:

"So, have you ever shoed a horse before"

And the young farmer says:

"No, but I once told a cow to f@&$ off!"

Why did Santa Claus shoes break?

...because he had so many missile toes.

Why did the Grim Reaper go to the shoe repair shop?

To get some soles!

Son: Daddy can you put on my shoes?

Me: I can try, but I don't think they will fit!

Dear Reddit, I met this girl in a shoe store.

I think we might be sole mates.

What's a kidnapper's favourite shoe?

White vans.

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If a big car means you have a little dick, and big shoes mean you have a big dick

What does that say about clowns?

I was in a shoe shop today trying out a new pair of sneakers

I said to the assistant, ‘It’s too tight’.

She said, ‘Try it with the tongue out.’

I said, ‘It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thigh!’

A butcher is 6ft tall, and wears size 10 shoes, what does he weigh?

Meat

You can tell a girl likes you depending on where her shoes are.

If they are behind her head, she may like you.

If someone ties their shoes in space...

Did they do an Astro-knot?

What type of shoes do kidnappers wear?

White vans

I used to by my shoes in bulk...

...but now I buy them by the foot.

My wife screamed in delight when her new shoes arrived sooner than expected

I thought she didn't like it when things came early...

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Got my girlfriend a dildo and some shoes for her birthday!

If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go and fuck herself!

I bought a pair of shoes off a drug dealer but something doesn't seem right

I think they're laced

What does an Australian call the bottom of his shoe?

His soul, mate

I just got a new job and I start tomorrow. This morning I realized I needed a new pair of shoes and a new shirt.

I got up, drank some coffee went to Walmart. The sign on the door said, "NO SHOES, NO SHIRT, NO SERVICE" so I went home.

There's a new men's birth control pill that's about the size of a marble. Don't get discouraged though, you don't have to swallow it or anything, you just put it into your shoe…

And it makes you limp…

What are the best shoes to wear for stealth purposes?

Sneakers made of hide.

A blonde is running around the house with a flashlight and a shoe box.

She puts the flashlight on the floor, sneaks in front of the light, puts the box on the floor, then quickly closes the box.

Husband comes home, only to find his giggly wife doing this over and over again: “Honey, what the heck are you doing?”

“She was right, this is fun! Cindy told me...

People are so sensitive today. You can't even say black shoe.

You have to say, "Tyrone, please get off my lawn"

I talk to my shoes

because the box says converse.

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a his...

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“Hey Watson, is that mud on your shoes?”

“No. Shit, Sherlock.”

I used to work long and unsociable hours in a shoes recycling factory....

... it was sole destroying!

Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes

That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range

If you threw a green shoe into the Red sea, what would it become?

Wet.

No shirt no shoes no service

I've been lied to my entire life. I walked into 7-11 naked and my phone still worked just fine.

Why was the leather shoe so stubborn?

Because it couldn’t be suede.

I used to have a nice pair of golf shoes.

Until I got a hole in one.

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I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing...

Like the old saying goes: "If the shoe fits ..."

"... like a poorly made glove, then it's probably on the wrong ear."

What does a person buy with two left feet in the shoe store?

Flip-Flips

To whoever stole my shoes and hi-vis vest

You can run but you can't hide

If you sell a pair of shoes :

you say second hand or second leg?

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Do you have any experience shoeing horses?

No, but I once told a donkey to fuck off.

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A guy in a wheelchair asked me why I watch people play video games instead of playing them myself.

I looked at him and asked “Why the fuck are you wearing shoes?”

I walked outside of the bar to have a cigarette.

A man in a wheelchair asked me, "why do you do that if you don't have to?"

I replied "Why are you wearing shoes?"

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This is the first joke I remember my dad telling me

One day an American man was walking in a small Mexican village while on vacation, he didn't have a watch so he asked an old man who was in a barn sitting on a short stool busy with his work shoeing a donkey, the old man then grabs and lifts the donkeys balls and said "1:15", the American thinks he's...

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A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida...

And goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so ...

What kind of shoes does a baker wear to work?

Shoes for crews like the rest of the food service industry...

What you thought I was gonna say loafers? On a bakers salary?!

A clown's protege...

Has some big shoes to fill

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Lose 10Kg/22 Pounds a week or get double your money back !

A guy is reading his newspaper and stops on an ad:

"***Lose 5 Kg /11 Pounds in one week or we will pay you back twice your money, guaranteed !***"

He goes to the adress and the hostess at the reception collect the payment and shows the client a room saying: enter here you will see ...

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NO SEX TONIGHT!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

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A homeless guy stopped me and demanded I give him £5 for some new shoes.

So I gave him £5 and followed him to see if he got new shoes. He turned down one road, picking up the pace, the end of his baggy jeans scuffing the pavement. He took a sharp left turn down an alleyway, down which I pursued him for some three or four minutes at a safe distance of around three hundred...

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Two Arabs and a Jew are on a train together ...

They all relax, take off their shoes, and start making small talk. After a while, the Jew says, "Who wants a drink?" The Arabs say they would like orange juice, so he gets up, and goes to buy juice. While he's gone, the Arabs spit in his shoes.

When they reach their destination, they put t...

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Bud the Cowboy

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2019 AUDI advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked...

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Blonde joke that you never heard before

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go give...

Knock Knock Joke #1

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Wooden Shoe.

Wooden Shoe who?

Wooden Shoe want to upvote this joke?

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An Arab kid talks to his dad [M]

An Arab kid talks to his dad
-Dad...
-Yes, son?
-Why do we wear this weird headscarf?
-It's called burnus and it protects our head from the desert sun.
-And Dad...
-Yes son?
-Why do we wear these weird robes?
-They're called burka, and it protects us from the desert heat.
...

My wife

My wife came into the bedroom and in a strict voice she said "take my blouse off", so I took her blouse off.

"Take my shoes off", I took her shoes off

"Remove my skirt", I removed her skirt.

"Take my stockings off", slowly I took her stockings off.

"Now remove my bra", I ...

A man buys shoes

After paying, the shoe seller tells him: "the shoes could be tight in the first week."

Man: "I won't wear them for the first week then."

What kind of shoes does lord Voldemort wear?

Horcrocs.

Why did Joe the shoemaker ask for help from the carpenter?

Wooden shoe like to know?

The fighting needs to stop

An archaeologist and 2 historians are sitting next to each other on a plane. The archaeologist took off his shoes. One of the historians asks the archaeologist to get him a coke. He says yes and when he gets up the historian spits in his shoe. When the archaeologist got back the other historian ask...

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This couple begins to start"getting it on"

She begins to remove his shoes and socks."Oh my,what happened to your feet?"

"Oh that.I had Tolio.

"You mean polio don't you?"

"No,Tolio.It just attacked my toes.

Thinking nothing of it,she begins to remove his pants"Oh dear,"she suddenly says."What happened to your kneec...

Who fixes Princess Toadstool’s shoes?

The Peach cobbler.

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Thought this one was odd enough to share

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as...

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An American shoe and an Australian married shoe enter a bar....

The Australian shoes says to his friend

"I got a big favor to ask you,could you nail my soulmate, please?"

"Really? Wont you get mad?!"

"Of course not, youre my best friend"

"But...why?!"

"Its something i cant do myself since i dont feel confident enough"

"....

I didnt do it!

It had been a long day in court & Larry was trying to get George to confess.
Larry: Admit it! You followed her home. Then, as she turned a corner, you stabbed her.

George: i didn't do it. I'm innocent.

Larry: Don't lie to me. Prints of your shoes were found in her garden.
...

Why do dogs chew on shoes?

Because they have they have a taste for fashion!

(Courtesy of my 9 year old after our new puppy chewed on my wife's expensive shoes)

How do you tell an introverted computer scientist from an extroverted computer scientist?

An introverted computer scientist looks at their own shoes when they talk to you

An extroverted computer scientist looks at your shoes when they talk to you.

Heard it while watching AlphaGo.

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A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight re...

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[LONG]So, a pianist walks into his local jazz bar...

As he's been down on his luck and is looking for work. He asks one of the waitresses there to speak to the manager, who he approaches and asks,

"Are you the dumb fucker that runs this shit hole of a bar?"

The manager, taken very much aback, responds, "Excuse me? I am the manager, yes...

My father who comes from a long line of clowns just retired and wants me to continue the family legacy.

I've got some big shoes to fill

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer today

Isnt it funny what you can find in pharmacies' gift/novelty shops?

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Three men stand before the heavens gate...

Petrus comes out with a hangover and says:,, Guys im really not in the mood for that shit please come back tomorrow.'' The three men protest and after a long disussion Petrus finally gives in and says: Ok, if you tell me the story how you died and i find it funny yu can come in.'' The first man star...

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John was a very fat guy who was sick of being ridiculed all the time.

So he decided to do something to reduce his weight. Next morning he found an advertisement in the newspaper claiming to help him lose weight quickly. Intrigued, he called them and asked for the plans available.
The operator told him that there are three plans
"10 pounds in a week"
"20 po...

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A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas time

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Audi." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."...

What do you call a donkey with one leg?

A wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye making love?
A bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, making love while breaking wind? <...

Restaurant desperate for Customers

What happens when a "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" restaurant is desperate for customers?

They admit defeat.

I always say it's not the size that matters.

Probably why I lost my job at the shoe shop.

What shoes does hilliary clinton wear.......

Scandals!!!!!

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