PSA: Don’t buy shoes from your drug dealer.

Trust me. I did. I don’t know what they were laced with but I was tripping all day.

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So a blond woman was at a shoe store arguing about the price of alligator boots

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go give...

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now take off my bra and panties." and so I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A slipper

What do you get if you cross shoe polish with yeast?

Loafers that rise and shine

Apparently Rihanna is partnering with Nike to make big shoes for women

They're calling them AirRihanna Grandes

What do you call a one-man shoe store?

A sole proprietorship.

What is a shoe repairman's favorite dessert?

Tearinmyshoe

What type of music is played in every shoe store in South Korea’s capital city?

Soul

What material was the first shoe made out of?

Wooden shoe like to know?

I tried really hard to enjoy my job at a shoe factory.

But I just didn't fit in.

Homeless guy is walking in one shoe

Somebody asks him:

-Oh, have you lost your shoe?

-Nope, I've found one!

When I was a kid, you could go in a store with 10 dollars and get out with a new ball, 4 milk jugs, a shirt and a pair of shoes.

Nowadays you can't. There are security cameras everywhere.

What shoes have the least friction?

Slippers

Someone's shoes

Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.

What do you call a guy from Illinois with rips in his jeans, shoes, and a hole in his shirt and forehead?

An ambulance

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Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop...

It was sole destroying

The shoe factory burned down today. Sadly, there were no survivors.

Rest In Peace all those poor soles.

What do you call shoes made out of bananas?

.
.
.
.
.
.
Slippers!!!

What do they call shoes with wheels in Africa?

SwaHeeleys.

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How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In little knotsies

Whats shoes do dogs like to wear?

Dog martins!

What kind of shoes would a thief wear?

Sneakers

Which shoes do frogs prefer?

Open toad sandals!

In his grandfather's overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955

A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90.
In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.
In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see t...

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagin...

I once dated a co-worker at a shoe store.

It didn't end up working out. Guess we weren't sole-mates after all.

Thanos should’ve thrown his shoe off the cliff on Vormir

A sole for a soul

Just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe. Don’t care how big a spider thinks it is...

...nothing steals *my* shoe!!

Saw A Homeless person pushing a trolley full of horse shoes and rabbit feet

I thought to myself he's really pushing his luck

A man with 2 left feet goes to a Shoe Store

„Hi, do you have flip flips?“

Why did the robot go to the shoe shop?

To get rebooted

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A gentleman on his way to a job interview in Brooklyn breaks the sole of his shoe.

Not wanting to arrive at the interview with a broken shoe, he asks some by-standers where the closest cobbler is.

“You’ll want Olaf Von Gundersen.” says one gentleman. “He isn’t very close by but he’s quick and his prices are just right.”

Having no choice, the man with the broken shoe...

What did the flower say when asked why he was having trouble tying his shoes?

Sometimes I forget me nots.

Shoe Store

When I was young my parents started up a shoe store, which wasn’t overly successful but they made ends meet. Due to various economic pressures they had to outsource labour overseas to China. My father, Bob, could speak Mandarin so always conversed with the manager of the production plant in their na...

What is a kidnappers favorite type of shoe?

White Vans.

I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help me.

But I stand corrected.

did you hear about the rpg shoes

they had dark souls

Ruined a brand new pair of shoes.

It's raining cats and dogs out and I stepped in a poodle.

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

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I was watching a bunch shoe store clerks arguing at a grocery store checkout line ...

It just kept escalating until an all-out bawl broke out at the store. At the end, the shoe store guys kicked the crap out of all the grocery packers. Just goes to show...

Baggers can't beat Shoes'ers ...

Little Johnny walked into class with only one shoe.

The teacher asks Johnny with a chuckle,
“What happened? Did you lose a shoe?”
Johnny looks up and responds,
“No ma’am, I found one.”

I've started to get paranoid about hiding my drugs in my shoes

Every time I look at them, they look laced.

What did the shoes say to the pants?

Sup britches?

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Johhny asks his teacher for help getting his shoes on

From the get go it is a struggle to get them on, and when his teacher reached the second shoe she is already out of breath. When she finally manages to get the second shoe on, Johhny looks at her and through his only four teeth says: "Mith, I think my feet are the wrong way round". She looks down an...

The sign said “No shirt, no shoes, no service.”

It never said anything about pants, so I don’t understand why I got arrested for “indecent exposure”?

I took a video of my shoe yesterday.

It was some pretty good footage

Why do immigrant parents have you take off your shoes before entering their house?

So they have something to beat you with.

The shoe I'm wearing just fell apart.

I guess it was on it's last leg.

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I went to see a dentist.

After examining my mouth: "There's something wrong with your taste bud."


"What is it?" I asked.

He said, "Well, for a first, those shoes are fucking hideous."

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Little Billy is out fishing with his dad

When a butterfly lands on the boat and Billy smashes it. The dad exclaims “That’s it! No butter for you all week!”

A week passes by and they are out fishing again when a honeybee lands on the boat. Smash! Little Billy kills the bee. “That’s it!” The dad yells “Now no honey for you for a wee...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary

One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt....

Where do chickens buy their shoes?

Chick FILA

What did the stoner say when someone tied his shoes together?

"Damn. These are laced and I'm tripping!"

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A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped...

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An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a Plane.

An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off.

Soon enough, he got hungry.

"Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis.

The man to his right said he would like a Coke.

"Of course." s...

What do you call a guy with a pink shirt, pink shoes,and a pink 40 caliber?

Sir.

What did they say about the couple who had the same shoe size?

They were sole mates

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Sherlock and Watson returned from a walk around London. Sherlock says "Damn, I think stepped in some dog shit. Watson, can you check?" After checking the shoes of the detective, Watson confidently announced

No shit Sherlock

What did the turkey say to the worn-out shoe?

Cobble cobble cobble

I went shopping for shoes and I found the perfect pair

They are my solemates

Whats the advantage of marrying your shoe?

You're bound to find some solace

Did anybody hear the one about the lad who tied his shoe laces using just the power of his mind?

Thought knot.

Which letter has its own shoe brand?

A “D” does

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The Smith family name gets its origin from a line of blacksmiths. The Cobbler family name get its origin from a line of shoe repairmen.

What the hell was going on with the Dickinson family?

There's a new men's birth control pill that's about the size of a marble. Don't get discouraged though, you don't have to swallow it or anything, you just put it into your shoe…

And it makes you limp…

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank...

Series of jokes translated from Armenian

Some context: Abaran is a city in Armenia, and there's this stereotype about the "Abarantsi" (person from Abaran) who is supposed to be stupid and there's a bunch of jokes about it, kind of like blonde jokes (this is all for the sake of the joke, however, and we love and respect the people of Abaran...

What type of shoes does an artist wear?

Sketchers.

What is a dog’s favourite type of shoes?

Hush Puppies

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend was having a really bad stomachache so he hit his belly with a shoe

It really kicked the shit out of him

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun decides before she dies she wants to have sex

So she asks a woman for advice, the woman tells her she wants to find a man that has a big dick. The nun says how will I know if a man has a big dick just by looking at him? The woman tells the nun you can tell by the shoe size. The nun searches the city to find the man with the biggest shoes in tow...

Why did the karate master rob the shoe store?

Just for kicks

TIL wooden shoe failure is responsible for multiple deaths each year in the Netherlands. The incidents are archived on this government website.

The Broken Clog Croakin' Blog

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I went to a pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’ The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me. A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing, I sco...

An aide slides up to Trump and whispers in his ear discreetly

"Mr.President, one of your shoes is black, and the other is brown!"

Trump said

, "Yes, I noticed it myself. I went to change but when I looked in the closet, the only other pair I had was also one black and one brown"

What is it that separates humans from inanimate objects like shoes?

Soles.

Customer service

A man returns to his home town in Russia after 30 years. He sees a shoe shop that he remembers from his time living there and goes in. He tells the owner "I remember this shop. I left a pair of shoes here for repair 30 years ago before escaping to the West." The owner says "Yes, I remember you. Wait...

Someone told me that before you criticise someone walk a mile in their shoes...

And now I'm a mile away, my feet hurt because I've been walking in shoes that are too small for me, I have to try and get my own shoes back and I can't even criticise them because everyone thinks I'm just some weirdo that steals shoes.

Last time I'm doing that

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I needed a new way of saying, "If the shoe fits, then wear it."

I was in an argument with someone and didn't want to say, "If the shoe fits, then wear it."

And I came up with

"If the dildo fits then go fuck yourself."

:)

Which type of shoes does Captain Hook avoid wearing?

Crocs

An eccentric dutch inventor whom invented inflatable shoes has died.

A member of the family said it was only a matter of time until he popped his clogs.

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Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.

"Harde...

My wife wanted shoes for $1000π

But I refuse to spend irrational amounts on clothing

You know what's easy to make? Shoe jokes.

Too bad they have no sole. They just seem to cobbled together. I'd like to boot anyone making shoe jokes from my life.


I assume you guys didn't get a kick out of that string of jokes, so I'll just sneak away.

Did you know that shoe makers are very talkative?

They love to converse

My sister had really loud shoes that sounded like a horse, so some family members started calling her that. I could see this was upsetting her.

"Guys, we have have to settle this," I said.

"If you think Jessica's a normal girl, say 'Aye,' but if you don't, say 'Neigh.'"

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Little Timmy comes home from school to find his parents in the middle of a fight.

Timmy's parents keep him pretty sheltered, and they don't normally fight in front of him, so he stops to see what is going on. The argument is pretty heated and at this point has devolved to plain old shouting insults at one another.

His mother yells at his father "At least I don't have hair...

Finally found my sole mate

damned dog ran off with a shoe

No shirt no shoes no service

I've been lied to my entire life. I walked into 7-11 naked and my phone still worked just fine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it...

Why can't anyone photograph grizzlies wearing shoes or socks?

Because they have bear feet

While getting ready to go play outside with my kids, my wife asked me "Do you have tennis shoes?"

I responded, "No, I only have 9 issues."

If what they say about the size of a man’s package being related to his shoe size is true...

No wonder everybody’s looking for Bigfoot.

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A drunk man staggers onto an elevator

There's a woman already in the car. The drunk slurs, "Can I smell your pussy?"

"No!" the woman exclaims angrily.

"Must be your shoes then."

People are so sensitive today. You can't even say black shoe.

You have to say, "Tyrone, please get off my lawn"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What was the similarity between jews and shoe sizes?

... There were more in 42 than in 46.

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at t...

Marten the Mallard likes shoes, but is loyal to only one brand...

Duck Martens

Smart shoes

A fiend of mine bought some new shoes a while back, they were called smart shoes, no matter how drunk you were they could always walk you home!

One day my friend got blind drunk and woke up miles from home near the beach, apparently the shoes got bored going from his local bar to the flat, th...

What has heels, ears and tongues but can't walk, taste or hear

Shoes

Why did the karate student wear brown shoes to the dojo?

He didn't have a black belt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to Vatican to meet the Pope

A man goes to the Vatican to meet the Pope. When he arrives there is a long line of people waiting.

The man has a fresh haircut, wears his best suit and polishes his shoes to make sure he looks as good as possible.

The pope comes out and begins to bless and shake hands with the people ...

Dear Reddit, I met this girl in a shoe store.

I think we might be sole mates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four buddies are standing around a barbecue...

They are all married and somehow the conversation shifts to how often each of them gets to have sex with their wives.

The first guy looks at his shoes and mutters “my wife only lets me have sex with her on the first Friday on the month.”

The next guy pipes up, “my wife and I have sex ...

A young farmer is being taught by an old hand how to take care of the animals. Today he's showing him how to shoe a horse

Halfway through the old man asks:

"So, have you ever shoed a horse before"

And the young farmer says:

"No, but I once told a cow to [email protected]&$ off!"

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