I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe

I met a fellow fetishist at the shoe store last week

We really got off on the right foot

What is a kidnapper's favorite shoe?

White Vans

I FINALLY opened my shoe store that only sells large sizes.

Let me tell you, that was no small feet.

What's the difference between an oak tree and a tight shoe?

One makes acorns, the other makes corns ache.

Why did the tennis shoe walk away quietly?

It was a sneaker. :)

Have you heard about the fire at the shoe factory?

Many souls where lost.

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If Shaggy opened a shoe shop.

He would be

Mr. Loafer Loafer

What’s a psychiatrists favorite kinda shoes?

Issues.

An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.

It's quite obvious to each of the three men know where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you to do you? This is my seat after all."

The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! ...

What did the Grim Reaper say when he walked into a shoe shop?

I've come for your soles!

A good case for shoes

What's the difference between a linen store, and a nudist with diarrhea?
One has fitted sheets...

Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes

That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes

Today I thought I had a quarter in my shoe which didn’t make sense

Turns out it was a nickel which made even less cents.

Did you hear about the recent lottery winner? It was the Old Woman In A Shoe, seriously! Guess where she lives now?

Beverly Heels.

Why are unworn shoes so proud?

They have never known da feet.

So I bought some shoes from a drug dealer this morning...

I don't know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping all day.

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So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

When we were kids, my brothers and I would race to put our shoes on every morning.

It always ended in a tie.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have yo...

A man with two left feet enters a shoe shop

He asks: "Excuse me, do you have flip flips?"

My friend Adi is a world class shoe expert. If you asked me “what’s the best shoe brand,” I’m not sure I’d know the answer. But I’d guess...

Adi does.

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A man goes into a shoe store looking to buy a pair of boots...

There’s an Irishman behind the counter who pulls out a box of comfortable looking boots for the man.

The man tries on the left boot, a perfect fit. He laces them up and is fairly convinced he’ll be buying them.

“Paddy, this boot’s a perfect fit. Will you pass me the other boot so’s I c...

The guy who invented velcro shoes thought to himself

'Why knot?'

What happened to the inventor of the inflatable shoe?

He popped his clogs.

Why should you wear good shoes in a fight?

You'll never see de feet

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop.

The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.<...

What did Optimus Prime say when Bumblebee said "Nice shoes!"

Thanks, they're Vans.

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now take off my bra and panties." and so I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

I've often found that shoe salesmen make quite good detectives...

They always know when something is afoot.

Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you ...

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory?

10,000 soles were lost!
Police say some heels started it!

Why is it a bad idea to flush old wooden Dutch shoes down a toilet?

It would start Clogging up

What kind of shoes do amphibians wear?

Open toad.

What are German counterfeit Adidas shoes called?

They’re of course derdiedas. >!Cue in Americans not getting the joke!<

Worst name for a shoe brand?

Achilles

What is a kidnapper’s favorite type of shoe?

White Vans

(courtesy of my dark-humored step-kiddo)

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A Scottish man had a shoe on his penis

When he was asked what he was doing, he replied "just fucking aboot"

Remember when some guy put a bomb in his shoe and tried to get on an airplane?

Now we all have to remove our shoes just to get past security and get on a flight. I wish that had been a woman with a bomb in her bra.

Waiter! Why does my dessert have a shoe print in it?

Sir, you did say "Apple pie and step on it!"

Why did a Christian go to church without wearing shoes?

Because it has no soul

I just quit my job working in a shoe factory

It was sole destroying

A reporter is interviewing a wealthy investor and asks what the secrets were to his success. “Well, I’ll tell you one of the best financial decisions I made was based on stock advice I got from a shoe shiner”

“I figured if my shoe shiner is giving out stock tips, it’s probably right to get out of the market”

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So a blond woman was at a shoe store arguing about the price of alligator boots

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go give...

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I suggested to my wife that maybe it’s time we asked our roommates to move out, seeing as they are obnoxiously loud and leave their shit everywhere.

After throwing her shoe at me, she told me that it’s apparently illegal to kick your kids out before they are 18.

How do shoe stores diversify their portfolios?

They invest in socks.

A young man was showing of his new sportscar to his girlfriend

she was thrilled at the speed.

"If i do 200 km/h, will you take all of your clothes off?"

The girlfriend felt adventurous, and said "yes, of course"

He brought the car up to the 200 km/h benchmark. However, he was unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car swerved, then ...

Hit it on the head!

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s th...

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night…

when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the sta...

If you could make shoes out of wood you'd be...

A clever clogs, wooden shoe!

In his grandfather's overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955

A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90.
In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.
In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see t...

I took a video of my shoe yesterday.

It was some pretty good footage

What do you call expensive shoes?

Cashews..

- My 9 yr old son.

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Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel and Peter Fonda are hanging out towards the end of the Swinging Sixties...

*Easy Rider* has just come out, Simon and Garfunkel are about to release *Bridge Over Troubled Water*, and the three men are the epitome of counter-culture cool. They're all pretty stoned, and Paul Simon turns to Peter Fonda, and says, "Hey, Peter, you wanna see something really groovy?"

Pete...

Beware of Lil Nas X's Satan Shoes.

The devil might steal your sole.

What shoes do ninjas wear (dad joke N°1)

Sneakers

What do you call the shack where all the halfling nuns wearing too small shoes live?

The hobbled habited hobbit habitat.

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I went outside the pub last night for a cigarette.

I got talking to a guy in a wheelchair, he said,

"Why do you smoke when you don't have to?"

I looked at him and asked, "Why the fuck are you wearing shoes?"

Last night a thief broke into the shoe factory. (Original, I think)

Police have identified a sole perpetrator.

Posh dad Joke: Every week I’d have a shoe stolen after gym

Like, could be a school shoe or a trainer or a rugby boot. Every week I had one stolen. It would be returned the next day or be at lost property but every week I lost a shoe.

After weeks of this happening I told my dad. He looked me in the eye and said “every week, you have a shoe stolen. Are...

I bought a pair of running shoes the other day

Let me know if you've seen em.

Man goes in to a shoe shop and buys some tortoise skin shoes

Took him 3 hours to walk out of the shop

Paul's height is six feet, he is an assistant at a butcher shop and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh?

Meat.

What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather?

A-Shoe

Where can you find a free pair of designer shoes in any size?

The mosque

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been taking care of my elderly grandfather and he asked me to come tie his shoes while he was on the toilet

I said, "you can't be serious"

He said, "I shit, you knot"

What type of shoes do bananas wear?

Slippers

What shoe can’t make up its mind?

Flip flops

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This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes o...

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A slipper

What do you get if you cross shoe polish with yeast?

Loafers that rise and shine

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How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In little knotsies

Men are like shoe laces

They go through many holes before they tie the knot

Guys, I'm not saying that Flat Earthers, Anti-Vaxxers, and Creationists are unintelligent people but...

there is a reason why shoes with Velcro straps come in adult size.

Where does the chicken shop for their shoes?

Reebokbok

Homeless guy is walking in one shoe

Somebody asks him:

-Oh, have you lost your shoe?

-Nope, I've found one!

Memory foam underwear

I bought some shoes with memory foam insoles. I was so excited about them! I told my wife I can’t wait to wear them, they have memory foam! I want memory foam underwear! She said “your underwear shouldn’t remember anything.”

I tried really hard to enjoy my job at a shoe factory.

But I just didn't fit in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man buys a talking centipede for €5000.

He takes it home in a small box.

After 30 minutes, he opens the box and says “Would you like to go for a pint?”.

Silence; the centipede doesn’t answer. Raising his voice, the man repeats his question, but still no reply.

Becoming agitated, and starting to think he has been conne...

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Two Croats and a Serb get on a plane.

They're seated next to each other the Serb having the aisle seat.

He gets comfortable for the flight and takes his shoes off, when one of the Croats says:

"Fuck, I'm thirsty, I could use a coke," he starts to get up, when the Serb interrupts him.

"No, no, no. Sit down, we're bro...

Thanos should’ve thrown his shoe off the cliff on Vormir

A sole for a soul

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Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story! 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

What is a shoe repairman's favorite dessert?

Tearinmyshoe

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop...

It was sole destroying

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A gentleman on his way to a job interview in Brooklyn breaks the sole of his shoe.

Not wanting to arrive at the interview with a broken shoe, he asks some by-standers where the closest cobbler is.

“You’ll want Olaf Von Gundersen.” says one gentleman. “He isn’t very close by but he’s quick and his prices are just right.”

Having no choice, the man with the broken shoe...

How do shoes taste?

With their tongues

Did anybody hear the one about the lad who tied his shoe laces using just the power of his mind?

Thought knot.

What type of music is played in every shoe store in South Korea’s capital city?

Soul

Humans go through reincarnation. What do shoes go through?

A reboot.

I once dated a co-worker at a shoe store.

It didn't end up working out. Guess we weren't sole-mates after all.

The shoe factory burned down today. Sadly, there were no survivors.

Rest In Peace all those poor soles.

What do you call a one-man shoe store?

A sole proprietorship.

What did they say about the couple who had the same shoe size?

They were sole mates

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Hey Watson, is that mud on your shoes?”

No. Shit, Sherlock.

What material was the first shoe made out of?

Wooden shoe like to know?

The hanging

A cowboy rides into town one day and drops into the saloon for a drink. He looks around the bar and says to the bartender “This place is empty today, where is everybody?”.

The barman tells the cowboy “Everyone’s at the hanging’”.

“A hanging” huh?” says the cowboy. “Who they hanging?”<...

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I got stopped on my Harley and well shit..

I think my license might be in jeopardy..
and all just because of a stupid state trooper...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over on my bike:
Trooper: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Trooper: "...

The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. I could be his head wasn't screwed on just right. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that

he was Jewish.

Wife asks her husband will he remarry if she dies.

Husband: No how can I think of remarrying.

Wife: Why not? You would need a partner for your bad times. Please remarry if I die.

Husband: You are so sweet... Even after death, you are worried about me.

Wife: Will you let her use my car?

Husband: Of course not

Wife: ...

Why did the robot go to the shoe shop?

To get rebooted

A man buys new shoes

And wants to show them to his wife. He gets naked, with the exception of his shoes, and parades out in front of her. "And? Notice something?"

"Nope", she says, "It's hanging like it always is".

"Well", the man says, "it's just admiring my new shoes!"

She turns around in bed, "ne...

My wife didn't like the wooden shoes I made for her, tried to flush them down the toilet.

Now the damn thing's clogged.

Little Johnny walked into class with only one shoe.

The teacher asks Johnny with a chuckle,
“What happened? Did you lose a shoe?”
Johnny looks up and responds,
“No ma’am, I found one.”

What's the difference between introverted and extroverted engineers?

The extroverted engineer looks at *your* shoes...

What do you call a red-head playing the piano by themselves in worn out shoes?

A soulless sole-less soloist.

What did the old timey New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes?

"You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!"

You know the scene, balding dude in a convertible with a hot chick.

She peels off her top and says "Faster you go, the more i take off!"

She's down to her socks and he's doing 120 mph when they crash. Dazed and confused she finds the driver pinned in the car and goes for help, but all she can find to cover her bits is his shoe.

Stumbling out into the h...

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The Smith family name gets its origin from a line of blacksmiths. The Cobbler family name get its origin from a line of shoe repairmen.

What the hell was going on with the Dickinson family?

My wife dated a clown before we started going out.

I had some big shoes to fill.

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