UPJOKE

### I ate five alarm chili last night...

...this morning I'm declaring a National Emergency at my southern border.

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### Whatâs the difference between the comment sections and a man eating a chili dog?

I dunno. All I know is after an hour they both go to shit.

### A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili o...

### How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

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### I was driving with my wife recently and we were talking about what we wanted to happen to our bodies when we died. I want to be cremated and put in a pot of chili. She asked why.

So I can tear that ass up one last time.

### A man walks into a diner one day and orders a bowl of chili but the waitress says she gave the last of it to a guy sitting nearby who is just staring at it.

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"

The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."

So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.

About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He l...

### I found the best Chili has 239 ingredients

But no more, because that would be too farty

### Chili special

Guy goes into a diner and sees the special of the day is chili. Waitress comes up and asks what he'd like and he says, I'll take a bowl of that chili. Waitress apologizes and says we sold out, that guy, pointing next to him, got the last bowl. The guy says okay that's fine I'll have a Dr pepper for ...

### Did you hear about the cannibal who used a group of businessmen to make a batch of chili?

I guess he wanted seasoned professionals.

### An Irish guy is making chili for a fall cookoff

He just recently immigrated and forgot the recipe back home.

He goes to his wife, âMary, I forgot the recipe. How many beans am I supposed to put in?â

Mary responds: â239.â

Why my love?

Mary: any more would be too farty

### Do you know how to make a good vegetarian chili?

Stick her in the freezer.

### The secret to making slow cooked chili is placing the bay leaf on top, not the bottom.

A good chili doesn't rest on its laurels.

### What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua?

A hot, diggety dog.

### Why can't conservatives ever make good chili and barbeque?

Because they have to be liberal with their spices.

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### Three men pass away in a tragic car crash

Their girlfriends are trying to figure out what to do with their ashes. The first woman says "hey, my boyfriend really loved nature. I'm going to spread his ashes throughout the forest so he can be eternally connected with the wilderness."

The second woman says "hey, my boyfriend was really i...

### What's a sure-fire method to figure out precisely how many grams a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

### What happens when a chili pepper gets mad at you?

He gets jalapeĂ±o face!!!

### The woman and her chili.

A man walks into a bar and notices a woman sitting at a table. In front of her on the table is a full bowl of chili. Since the man is very hungry, he asks her if he can have her chili. She agrees, giving him the bowl. The man starts to quickly put spoonfuls into his mouth. As he gets to the end of t...

### Why is chili so annoying?

Because it's always JalopeĂ±o business.

### Do you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's?

Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food...

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### The danger of eating Chili

I went grocery shopping this weekend, which in
hindsight may not have been very wise.

You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful,which ...

### I served a pot of chili to a table of anti vaxxers and jokingly told them it could double as a covid test.

They thought it was a bit tasteless.

HalalpeĂ±o.

### When the bass player from the red hot chili peppers was growing up...

he only saw his father at Christmas time, because his work digging the railways of Mexico kept him away from home most of the year. To deal with missing his father he wrote a song about him which his father loved and used to play to his fellow workers when he returned to Mexico. As a result the song...

### A man in New Mexico asked a farmer if he had any local chili peppers for sale.

Unfortunately, the farmer said he had 99 poblanos but a Hatch ain't one.

Higher ground.

### A guy walks into a chili restraunt...

... and orders a bowl of chili. "Sorry sir, but we just sold our last bowl to that man over there." Said the cashier as he pointed to a man sitting at a table across the room.

The guy walks over to the man and notices has plenty of food and hasn't touched his chili.

"Hey, are you goin...

### What did the Leopard say after eating a chili dog?

That hit the spot.

### I bought a tiny chili pepper plant today.

I wanted to spice up my apartment.

### 10 yr old brother put a twist on this joke I saw awhile back. Why do the Irish serve up their chili with 139 beans?

Because one more would be one-farty bowl of chili!

### We are thinking about making chili for Christmas Eve.

We're starting a new tradition called 'silent but deadly night'.

### A young cowboy walks into a saloon and orders a bowl of chili.

The older cowboy next to him says, "here, you can have mine. I'm not hungry"

So, the young cowboy being extremely hungry gobbles up the chili to find a dead rat in the bottom of the bowl. He quickly throws up the chili back into the bowl because he was disgusted.

The older cowboy said,...

### My wife said she is divorcing me if I donât quit making Red Hot Chili Peppers puns.

I assured her âWe could put this all under the bridge and I would see her on the other side of it. Although I used to think I canât stop I will because I donât want her getting scar tissue emotionally. By the way, whatâs for dinner?â

Anyway, sheâs leaving me.

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### A man walks into a bar and asks for a bowl of chili...

...and the bartender says "ehhh, sorry man, but the guy next to you has the last bowl. Is there anything else I can get you?"

"No, it's fine," the man says.

Sitting there in is own self-pity, the man looks over to his chiliful neighbor and notices the dick isn't even touching it!
<...

### Two men are eating chili together.

One finishes his bowl and claims it's the best chili he's ever eaten. He looks at the second man who's bowl is completely full.

First man: are you gonna eat that?
Second man: nah I'm not feeling too good.
First man: wouldn't want it to go to waste then.

The first man eats the se...

### A boy runs into his parent's bedroom at 3am and says, "Dad! Dad! There's a burglar in the kitchen eating all of mom's leftover chili!"

The dad replies, "Go back to bed, son. We'll bury him in the morning."

### try the chili

A man walks into a restaurant. He asks the waitress for an order of chili.The waitress points to a man at the the table next to him and says, "sorry, that guy over there got the last bowl. Is there anything else I can get for you?
The man replies," let me think about it for a little bit longer, I...

### A man goes to a diner and orders chili...

The waiter tells the man that unfortunately the woman sitting at the table behind him got the last one.

The man looks back and sees that the chili has not been touched at all. So he asks the woman, "Are you going to finish that?"

The woman goes, "No, you can have it if you want."
<...

### A man went to a restaurant

He told the waitress "Can I have a bowl of chili?"

The waitress said "I'm very sorry but that man at the bar just got the last bowl."

The man saw the other customer sitting and noticed that the chili bowl was still full. He sat next to the other man and said "Excuse me but it's been ...

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### red hot chili peppers joke (original)

So Anthony Kiedis is hanging out at Flea's house. Flea says he's having trouble hooking up his VCR to his TV and he asks Anthony to take a look at it, to see if he can find the problem.

Anthony gets up and takes a look behind the TV at the wires and cables and whatnot.

"I think the pr...

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### Word of advice to all the men out there: DO NOT masturbate after chopping up some chilies.

Not only does it sting but it will also get you kicked off Masterchef.

### The trainee competition judge arrived at the village fair

He meets his mentor at the entrance.

"Nice to meet, nice to meet, nice to meet you," stammers the mentor. "Forgive my, forgive my, forgive my speech impediment."

"Please, don't worry about it," says the trainee.

They head off to judge the villagers' chilli peppers. They come to...

### Why should you carry french fries with you when walking your dog on a cold day?

French fries go well with chili dogs

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### What do you call a sunburnt nudist pissing in the snow?

Red Hot Chili Pecker

### Bowl of Chili (from Jackie the Joke Man)

A guy walks into a diner and sits down at the counter. A waitress comes up to him and asks "What'll ya have?"

He sees a sign on the wall for a hot bowl of chili for \$5. He asks the waitress for a bowl of the chili.

"I'm sorry," she says, "but I just sold the last bowl to the gentlema...

### A man stops for chili

A guy driving along sees a diner with a sign that reads all you can eat chili for 5\$
The man loves chili so he stops. As he sits down the waitress asks whatâll it be? He says Iâll have the chili. The waitress says sorry sir weâre currently out of chili but hereâs a menu.
As the man looks over ...

### A chili connoisseur heard of a new restaurant with the best chili in the world...

The restaurant happens to be about four hours away from where he works, so one Friday he decides to make the trip after getting off at 5pm to get there in time for a late supper. Upon arriving he realizes to his chagrin that he neglected to check their closing time but notices he still has 15 minute...

### What's the difference between the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Harriet Tubman?!

Harriet Tubman was a heroine to the slaves, but the Red Hot Chili Peppers were slaves to heroin.

### A couple of Hobos are sitting under an overpass sharing some hobo chili...

When Colorado Curly Bo says to Dakota Slim, "So, how'd you end up like this?"

Dakota Slim says, "Booze."

Bo says, "Yeah, I know how that is."

Dakota Slim continues, "I had it all; a beautiful wife, big house, two-car garage, and I just drank it all away."

He pauses, and ...

A chili dog.

### A homeless man enters a diner

He asks the waitress âWhat can a guy get for a dime?â âNot much, how about a glass of water?â says the waitress. âSure, that will do.â The homeless man sits at the counter and starts drinking his water. He notices a cowboy sitting a couple seats down the counter with a big bowl of chili. The homeles...

### A Subway sandwich maker has a very eccentric regular customer.

The eccentric customer always orders a tuna sandwich, but heavily modified, made with an extra cup of mayo, smothered in chili peppers, red peppers, onions, and pickles, then toasted until it's burnt. It looks and smells disgusting and the worker dreads it when he sees that customer come in.
...

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### Guy pulls into a road-side restaurant after a long day on the road.

Sits at the counter next to another guy, who's hovering over his bowl of chili. The guy is famished and is about to order food, when he leans in and asks the other guy hovering over the bowl, "Say, is that chili any good?"

The hovering guys responds, "Yes."

The traveler, slightly confu...

### If you see a habanero on your doorstep, put a sweater on

...it's a little chili outside

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### A man orders some chili

A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a bowl of chili. The bartender says "I'm sorry, the old man next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and see's the old man reading the paper and a full bowl of chili sitting in front of him, so he orders a drink and some wings, even though he real...

### Cowboy Chili

A man walks into a bar and pulls up a stool next to this old cowboy sitting at the bar. He orders a drink and notices this old cowboy just sitting there staring at a bowl of chili.

After some time goes by he asks the old cowboy if he isnt going to eat the chili if he can have it.

The...

### Knock-knock!

*Who's there?*
Baby JalapeĂ±o!
*Baby JalapeĂ±o who?*
Open the door, already! It's a little chili out here!

### Biker

A duded-up city biker walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD. He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, he bravely asks the old biker, 'If you ain't gonna eat that,...

### Does anybody have a scale I could borrow?

I just bought a bag of red hot chili peppers and I need to give it a weigh! Give it a weigh! Give it a weigh nowww!

### Never been sure what breed my dog is

Sheâs kind of squatty with floppy ears. When we have supper she begs for our plates and bowls to lick then naps in the den.

Unless we have chili. Then she stays by the stove guarding the pot of chili.

Pretty sure sheâs a chili dog.

### Two drunk men are eating out of a crock pot in the snow.

Neither of the men know what they are eating.

The first man says âWow, this soup makes it feel hot out here!â

The second man looks in the pot, takes a bite, and says âNo no, I think itâs chili.â

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### A guy walks into a diner with an ostrich.

The waitress comes up to take their order. The guy says, "I'll have the fried mozarella sticks, triple bacon cheeseburger, and extra fries with chili and cheese on them."

The waitress looks at the guy, stunned- he's in great shape, and she's amazed that he could eat like that and maintain his...

### Hot dog!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hot dog. After taking a bite, he waves the bartender over. "Hey, this hot dog is cold!" he complains. "Oh, well then, lucky you," the bartender replies. "You must have gotten one of our special chili dogs ... and hey, for you, no extra charge."

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