Chili special

Guy goes into a diner and sees the special of the day is chili. Waitress comes up and asks what he'd like and he says, I'll take a bowl of that chili. Waitress apologizes and says we sold out, that guy, pointing next to him, got the last bowl. The guy says okay that's fine I'll have a Dr pepper for ...

I ate five alarm chili last night...

...this morning I'm declaring a National Emergency at my southern border.

The woman and her chili.

A man walks into a bar and notices a woman sitting at a table. In front of her on the table is a full bowl of chili. Since the man is very hungry, he asks her if he can have her chili. She agrees, giving him the bowl. The man starts to quickly put spoonfuls into his mouth. As he gets to the end of t...

What's a sure-fire method to figure out precisely how many grams a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl a chili.

The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, “Are you going to eat that?”

The second man replies, “No, you can have it if...

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I was driving with my wife recently and we were talking about what we wanted to happen to our bodies when we died. I want to be cremated and put in a pot of chili. She asked why.

So I can tear that ass up one last time.

When the bass player from the red hot chili peppers was growing up...

he only saw his father at Christmas time, because his work digging the railways of Mexico kept him away from home most of the year. To deal with missing his father he wrote a song about him which his father loved and used to play to his fellow workers when he returned to Mexico. As a result the song...

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What’s the difference between the comment sections and a man eating a chili dog?

I dunno. All I know is after an hour they both go to shit.

What's the most popular chili in the Middle East?

Halalpeño.

An Irish guy is making chili for a fall cookoff

He just recently immigrated and forgot the recipe back home.

He goes to his wife, ‘Mary, I forgot the recipe. How many beans am I supposed to put in?’

Mary responds: ‘239.’

Why my love?

Mary: any more would be too farty

Do you know how to make a good vegetarian chili?

Stick her in the freezer.

A Subway sandwich maker has a very eccentric regular customer.

The eccentric customer always orders a tuna sandwich, but heavily modified, made with an extra cup of mayo, smothered in chili peppers, red peppers, onions, and pickles, then toasted until it's burnt. It looks and smells disgusting and the worker dreads it when he sees that customer come in.
...

Hot dog!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hot dog. After taking a bite, he waves the bartender over. "Hey, this hot dog is cold!" he complains. "Oh, well then, lucky you," the bartender replies. "You must have gotten one of our special chili dogs ... and hey, for you, no extra charge."

Irish Chili

*best performed with an Irish accent

Why does Irish Chili only have 239 beans?

If you add one more bean, you get Too Farty!

Two drunk men are eating out of a crock pot in the snow.

Neither of the men know what they are eating.

The first man says “Wow, this soup makes it feel hot out here!”

The second man looks in the pot, takes a bite, and says “No no, I think it’s chili.”

The secret to making slow cooked chili is placing the bay leaf on top, not the bottom.

A good chili doesn't rest on its laurels.

Do you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's?

Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food...

What's the opposite of a hot dog?

A chili dog

What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua?

A hot, diggety dog.

A young cowboy walks into a dirty old Cafe in Montana.

He takes a seat at the counter and notices an old cowboy next to him with his arms crossed staring blankly at a full bowl of meaty chili.

A few minutes go by and the young cowboy gets the courage to speak up "Sir, if you ain't gonna eat that would you mind if I did?"

"It's all yours f...

What happens when a chili pepper gets mad at you?

He gets jalapeño face!!!

Why is chili so annoying?

Because it's always Jalopeño business.

A man in New Mexico asked a farmer if he had any local chili peppers for sale.

Unfortunately, the farmer said he had 99 poblanos but a Hatch ain't one.

My wife does think my joke is all that funny so let’s see what you guys think

What did the child habanero say to his father? “Dad could we turn up the heat? I’m a little chili”

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The danger of eating Chili

I went grocery shopping this weekend, which in
hindsight may not have been very wise.

You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful,which ...

A young cowboy walks into a saloon and orders a bowl of chili.

The older cowboy next to him says, "here, you can have mine. I'm not hungry"

So, the young cowboy being extremely hungry gobbles up the chili to find a dead rat in the bottom of the bowl. He quickly throws up the chili back into the bowl because he was disgusted.

The older cowboy said,...

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A man walks into a bar and asks for a bowl of chili...

...and the bartender says "ehhh, sorry man, but the guy next to you has the last bowl. Is there anything else I can get you?"

"No, it's fine," the man says.

Sitting there in is own self-pity, the man looks over to his chiliful neighbor and notices the dick isn't even touching it!
<...

Two men are eating chili together.

One finishes his bowl and claims it's the best chili he's ever eaten. He looks at the second man who's bowl is completely full.

First man: are you gonna eat that?
Second man: nah I'm not feeling too good.
First man: wouldn't want it to go to waste then.

The first man eats the se...

A big pepper is sitting on the couch when his small pepper roommate walks in the door shivering

Big pepper: "Why are you shaking? Are you cold?"

Small pepper: "I'm a little chili."

A boy runs into his parent's bedroom at 3am and says, "Dad! Dad! There's a burglar in the kitchen eating all of mom's leftover chili!"

The dad replies, "Go back to bed, son. We'll bury him in the morning."

I bought a tiny chili pepper plant today.

I wanted to spice up my apartment.

10 yr old brother put a twist on this joke I saw awhile back. Why do the Irish serve up their chili with 139 beans?

Because one more would be one-farty bowl of chili!

What happens to Pastors who eat chili dogs?

They have to sit in their own pew.

My wife said she is divorcing me if I don’t quit making Red Hot Chili Peppers puns.

I assured her “We could put this all under the bridge and I would see her on the other side of it. Although I used to think I can’t stop I will because I don’t want her getting scar tissue emotionally. By the way, what’s for dinner?”

Anyway, she’s leaving me.

What's Obi-Wan's favorite Red Hot Chili Peppers song?

Higher ground.

This year's Thanksgiving playlist is a buffet by ear, if you will...

The main dish will be Lambchop seasoned with Red Hot Chili Peppers & Salt-n-Pepa.

Accompanied by the side dishes: The Cranberries, Korn, and Black Eyed Peas.

And for dessert we'll have Vanilla Ice..Cream..Cake.

A man stops for chili

A guy driving along sees a diner with a sign that reads all you can eat chili for 5$
The man loves chili so he stops. As he sits down the waitress asks what’ll it be? He says I’ll have the chili. The waitress says sorry sir we’re currently out of chili but here’s a menu.
As the man looks over ...

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A man suddenly dies and is cremated...

The mortician not knowing what to do with the ashes contacts the man's last 3 lovers. All 3 were also men.

Upon arrival, the mortician take the 3 men into his office and asked, "please tell me what you would do with this man's ashes if I hand them over to you?"

The first man's says, "...

try the chili

A man walks into a restaurant. He asks the waitress for an order of chili.The waitress points to a man at the the table next to him and says, "sorry, that guy over there got the last bowl. Is there anything else I can get for you?
The man replies," let me think about it for a little bit longer, I...

A man goes to a diner and orders chili...

The waiter tells the man that unfortunately the woman sitting at the table behind him got the last one.

The man looks back and sees that the chili has not been touched at all. So he asks the woman, "Are you going to finish that?"

The woman goes, "No, you can have it if you want."
<...

So you've all heard about the neutron that walks into a bar, but what about...

A neutrino walks into a Mexican Restaurant. He orders a taco with extra chili sauce. The bartender comes up to his table with a taco and a gigantic bottle of super-hot chili sauce. He opens the taco, starts pouring sauce and asks:

"So how much salsa do you want, amigo?"

The neutrino a...

We are thinking about making chili for Christmas Eve.

We're starting a new tradition called 'silent but deadly night'.

Bowl of Chili (from Jackie the Joke Man)

A guy walks into a diner and sits down at the counter. A waitress comes up to him and asks "What'll ya have?"

He sees a sign on the wall for a hot bowl of chili for $5. He asks the waitress for a bowl of the chili.

"I'm sorry," she says, "but I just sold the last bowl to the gentlema...

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A man orders some chili

A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a bowl of chili. The bartender says "I'm sorry, the old man next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and see's the old man reading the paper and a full bowl of chili sitting in front of him, so he orders a drink and some wings, even though he real...

What's the difference between the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Harriet Tubman?!

Harriet Tubman was a heroine to the slaves, but the Red Hot Chili Peppers were slaves to heroin.

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For All You Disney Fans, here’s a little Story about the time I rode the Monorail at Disneyland

One time while riding the monorail at Disneyland, I let out the loudest, wettest, deepest and almost foul smelling fart I have ever ripped in my life. There are no words in the English language that can describe the absolute rancidity of this fart. It was so putrid that actual green gas was visible ...

My dad loves to boast about he can get Mexico on his ham radio set up.

That's nothing I'd say, I can open my window and get Chili.

Chili Joke

Guy walks into a restaurant, doesn't know what he wants. At the next table is a guy with a plate of food and a bowl of chili, that looks good he thinks. When the waiter comes by, he says
" I'd like a bowl of chili, and a burger, please" Waiter says, "sorry , that was last bowl of chili." " Ok ju...

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Top 10 Things That Prison Guards Hate

10) Inmates who don't flush after eating chili for lunch.

9) Coming up with one too many during a head count.

8) Having to break up a fight in the shower.

7) Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.

6) Recognizing the newest inmate as your financial...

A young city biker walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis

A young city biker walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD. Sturgis! He finally made it. He had several items on his must-do list, and this tavern was one of them. The chili, he'd been told, was world famous.

As he sits down at the bar, he notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, s...

Is my mom fat?

Your mama's so fat
she heard the weatherman say it was chili outside she grabbed a bowl and spoon and ran out the door

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red hot chili peppers joke (original)

So Anthony Kiedis is hanging out at Flea's house. Flea says he's having trouble hooking up his VCR to his TV and he asks Anthony to take a look at it, to see if he can find the problem.

Anthony gets up and takes a look behind the TV at the wires and cables and whatnot.

"I think the pr...

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A Hunter's Resilience

Two deer hunters had decided to go hunting on opening day of the season. They had left in the afternoon because both had day jobs and could not get time off.

About halfway to their turn-off they see a sign that reads, "Aunt Gracy's Diner, Next Exit". They were ahead of schedule, so both agree...

Why was the baby jalapeno shivering?

He was a little chili.

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My girlfriend and I wanted to spice up our sex life

The chili peppers were unsuccessful

What happens when you add Cold hot sauce on Hot food?

you Chili things up.

I Want to Make a Band called Mashed Potatoes

Then go on an Ultimate Tour with Meatloaf, Korn, Bread, Red hot Chilie Peppers, Salt-N-Pepa, The Cranberries, The Black Eyed Peas, Orange Juice, Ice Cube and Cake!

*I know a few are dead and some of them suck but I tried damn it, lol

What do you get when you use the bathroom after cutting a jalapeño?

A red hot chili pecker.

Also: True Story.

Cowboy Chili

A man walks into a bar and pulls up a stool next to this old cowboy sitting at the bar. He orders a drink and notices this old cowboy just sitting there staring at a bowl of chili.

After some time goes by he asks the old cowboy if he isnt going to eat the chili if he can have it.

The...

What do you feed an angry person?

Chili.

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A little Texas joke

A young man in Oklahoma turns 21. Excited, he tells his father, “I want to finally go to Texas.”

His father warns, “Scooter, you’re a full-grown man, now. I can’t stop you from going to Texas. But I have to warn you… **EVERYTHING IS BIG IN TEXAS!** You can’t be prepared for how absolutely hug...

Why did the group of previously miscarried mothers meet at chilis?

They wanted their baby back ...baby back... baby back

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