I ate five alarm chili last night...

...this morning I'm declaring a National Emergency at my southern border.

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I was driving with my wife recently and we were talking about what we wanted to happen to our bodies when we died. I want to be cremated and put in a pot of chili. She asked why.

So I can tear that ass up one last time.

A guy sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chili.

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".


He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"


The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".


He slides the bow...

An Irish guy is making chili for a fall cookoff

He just recently immigrated and forgot the recipe back home.

He goes to his wife, ‘Mary, I forgot the recipe. How many beans am I supposed to put in?’

Mary responds: ‘239.’

Why my love?

Mary: any more would be too farty

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What’s the difference between the comment sections and a man eating a chili dog?

I dunno. All I know is after an hour they both go to shit.

A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl a chili.

The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, “Are you going to eat that?”

The second man replies, “No, you can have it if...

How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

What's the most popular chili in the Middle East?

Halalpeño.

Do you know how to make a good vegetarian chili?

Stick her in the freezer.

Irish Chili

*best performed with an Irish accent

Why does Irish Chili only have 239 beans?

If you add one more bean, you get Too Farty!

A young cowboy walks into a dirty old Cafe in Montana.

He takes a seat at the counter and notices an old cowboy next to him with his arms crossed staring blankly at a full bowl of meaty chili.

A few minutes go by and the young cowboy gets the courage to speak up "Sir, if you ain't gonna eat that would you mind if I did?"

"It's all yours f...

What's the opposite of a hot dog?

A chili dog

When the bass player from the red hot chili peppers was growing up...

he only saw his father at Christmas time, because his work digging the railways of Mexico kept him away from home most of the year. To deal with missing his father he wrote a song about him which his father loved and used to play to his fellow workers when he returned to Mexico. As a result the song...

What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua?

A hot, diggety dog.

The woman and her chili.

A man walks into a bar and notices a woman sitting at a table. In front of her on the table is a full bowl of chili. Since the man is very hungry, he asks her if he can have her chili. She agrees, giving him the bowl. The man starts to quickly put spoonfuls into his mouth. As he gets to the end of t...

A very hungry man is looking for some chili

So he checks restaurant after restaurant but everyone is out. Discouraged, he decides to check in a rundown restaurant in a shady part of the city. He walks in and sees a man staring at a bowl of chili. He smiles knowing this place has what he is looking for then asks the waitress if he could get a ...

The secret to making slow cooked chili is placing the bay leaf on top, not the bottom.

A good chili doesn't rest on its laurels.

Do you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's?

Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food...

My wife does think my joke is all that funny so let’s see what you guys think

What did the child habanero say to his father? “Dad could we turn up the heat? I’m a little chili”

What happens when a chili pepper gets mad at you?

He gets jalapeño face!!!

A man in New Mexico asked a farmer if he had any local chili peppers for sale.

Unfortunately, the farmer said he had 99 poblanos but a Hatch ain't one.

What did the Leopard say after eating a chili dog?

That hit the spot.

A big pepper is sitting on the couch when his small pepper roommate walks in the door shivering

Big pepper: "Why are you shaking? Are you cold?"

Small pepper: "I'm a little chili."

Why is chili so annoying?

Because it's always Jalopeño business.

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A man suddenly dies and is cremated...

The mortician not knowing what to do with the ashes contacts the man's last 3 lovers. All 3 were also men.

Upon arrival, the mortician take the 3 men into his office and asked, "please tell me what you would do with this man's ashes if I hand them over to you?"

The first man's says, "...

A young cowboy walks into a saloon and orders a bowl of chili.

The older cowboy next to him says, "here, you can have mine. I'm not hungry"

So, the young cowboy being extremely hungry gobbles up the chili to find a dead rat in the bottom of the bowl. He quickly throws up the chili back into the bowl because he was disgusted.

The older cowboy said,...

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A man walks into a bar and asks for a bowl of chili...

...and the bartender says "ehhh, sorry man, but the guy next to you has the last bowl. Is there anything else I can get you?"

"No, it's fine," the man says.

Sitting there in is own self-pity, the man looks over to his chiliful neighbor and notices the dick isn't even touching it!
<...

This year's Thanksgiving playlist is a buffet by ear, if you will...

The main dish will be Lambchop seasoned with Red Hot Chili Peppers & Salt-n-Pepa.

Accompanied by the side dishes: The Cranberries, Korn, and Black Eyed Peas.

And for dessert we'll have Vanilla Ice..Cream..Cake.

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Top 10 Things That Prison Guards Hate

10) Inmates who don't flush after eating chili for lunch.

9) Coming up with one too many during a head count.

8) Having to break up a fight in the shower.

7) Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.

6) Recognizing the newest inmate as your financial...

10 yr old brother put a twist on this joke I saw awhile back. Why do the Irish serve up their chili with 139 beans?

Because one more would be one-farty bowl of chili!

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The danger of eating Chili

I went grocery shopping this weekend, which in
hindsight may not have been very wise.

You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful,which ...

Bowl of Chili (from Jackie the Joke Man)

A guy walks into a diner and sits down at the counter. A waitress comes up to him and asks "What'll ya have?"

He sees a sign on the wall for a hot bowl of chili for $5. He asks the waitress for a bowl of the chili.

"I'm sorry," she says, "but I just sold the last bowl to the gentlema...

A man walks into a diner during a terrible blizzard, but only has enough money to order a cup of coffee.

He hasn't eaten anything all day and is terribly hungry. Down the bar he sees another man leaning over a steaming bowl of chili, but the man isn't eating his chili, just looking at it.
Stomach rumbling he calls out to his neighbor "are you planning on eating that?"
The other man shakes his he...

A young city biker walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis

A young city biker walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD. Sturgis! He finally made it. He had several items on his must-do list, and this tavern was one of them. The chili, he'd been told, was world famous.

As he sits down at the bar, he notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, s...

My dad loves to boast about he can get Mexico on his ham radio set up.

That's nothing I'd say, I can open my window and get Chili.

Two men are eating chili together.

One finishes his bowl and claims it's the best chili he's ever eaten. He looks at the second man who's bowl is completely full.

First man: are you gonna eat that?
Second man: nah I'm not feeling too good.
First man: wouldn't want it to go to waste then.

The first man eats the se...

So you've all heard about the neutron that walks into a bar, but what about...

A neutrino walks into a Mexican Restaurant. He orders a taco with extra chili sauce. The bartender comes up to his table with a taco and a gigantic bottle of super-hot chili sauce. He opens the taco, starts pouring sauce and asks:

"So how much salsa do you want, amigo?"

The neutrino a...

What's Obi-Wan's favorite Red Hot Chili Peppers song?

Higher ground.

A boy runs into his parent's bedroom at 3am and says, "Dad! Dad! There's a burglar in the kitchen eating all of mom's leftover chili!"

The dad replies, "Go back to bed, son. We'll bury him in the morning."

A man stops for chili

A guy driving along sees a diner with a sign that reads all you can eat chili for 5$
The man loves chili so he stops. As he sits down the waitress asks what’ll it be? He says I’ll have the chili. The waitress says sorry sir we’re currently out of chili but here’s a menu.
As the man looks over ...

try the chili

A man walks into a restaurant. He asks the waitress for an order of chili.The waitress points to a man at the the table next to him and says, "sorry, that guy over there got the last bowl. Is there anything else I can get for you?
The man replies," let me think about it for a little bit longer, I...

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For All You Disney Fans, here’s a little Story about the time I rode the Monorail at Disneyland

One time while riding the monorail at Disneyland, I let out the loudest, wettest, deepest and almost foul smelling fart I have ever ripped in my life. There are no words in the English language that can describe the absolute rancidity of this fart. It was so putrid that actual green gas was visible ...

Is my mom fat?

Your mama's so fat
she heard the weatherman say it was chili outside she grabbed a bowl and spoon and ran out the door

What's the difference between the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Harriet Tubman?!

Harriet Tubman was a heroine to the slaves, but the Red Hot Chili Peppers were slaves to heroin.

A man goes to a diner and orders chili...

The waiter tells the man that unfortunately the woman sitting at the table behind him got the last one.

The man looks back and sees that the chili has not been touched at all. So he asks the woman, "Are you going to finish that?"

The woman goes, "No, you can have it if you want."
<...

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A Hunter's Resilience

Two deer hunters had decided to go hunting on opening day of the season. They had left in the afternoon because both had day jobs and could not get time off.

About halfway to their turn-off they see a sign that reads, "Aunt Gracy's Diner, Next Exit". They were ahead of schedule, so both agree...

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My girlfriend and I wanted to spice up our sex life

The chili peppers were unsuccessful

What happens when you add Cold hot sauce on Hot food?

you Chili things up.

We are thinking about making chili for Christmas Eve.

We're starting a new tradition called 'silent but deadly night'.

I Want to Make a Band called Mashed Potatoes

Then go on an Ultimate Tour with Meatloaf, Korn, Bread, Red hot Chilie Peppers, Salt-N-Pepa, The Cranberries, The Black Eyed Peas, Orange Juice, Ice Cube and Cake!

*I know a few are dead and some of them suck but I tried damn it, lol

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A man orders some chili

A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a bowl of chili. The bartender says "I'm sorry, the old man next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and see's the old man reading the paper and a full bowl of chili sitting in front of him, so he orders a drink and some wings, even though he real...

Chili Joke

Guy walks into a restaurant, doesn't know what he wants. At the next table is a guy with a plate of food and a bowl of chili, that looks good he thinks. When the waiter comes by, he says
" I'd like a bowl of chili, and a burger, please" Waiter says, "sorry , that was last bowl of chili." " Ok ju...

Cowboy Chili

A man walks into a bar and pulls up a stool next to this old cowboy sitting at the bar. He orders a drink and notices this old cowboy just sitting there staring at a bowl of chili.

After some time goes by he asks the old cowboy if he isnt going to eat the chili if he can have it.

The...

What do you feed an angry person?

Chili.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

red hot chili peppers joke (original)

So Anthony Kiedis is hanging out at Flea's house. Flea says he's having trouble hooking up his VCR to his TV and he asks Anthony to take a look at it, to see if he can find the problem.

Anthony gets up and takes a look behind the TV at the wires and cables and whatnot.

"I think the pr...

Why was the baby jalapeno shivering?

He was a little chili.

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A little Texas joke

A young man in Oklahoma turns 21. Excited, he tells his father, “I want to finally go to Texas.”

His father warns, “Scooter, you’re a full-grown man, now. I can’t stop you from going to Texas. But I have to warn you… **EVERYTHING IS BIG IN TEXAS!** You can’t be prepared for how absolutely hug...

What do you get when you use the bathroom after cutting a jalapeño?

A red hot chili pecker.

Also: True Story.

I visited my girlfriends family in Mexico during the summer.

They all laughed at me for wearing a sweater to dinner.

But, my girlfriend told me it would be chili

A man goes into a diner.

He sits down at the counter and the waitress comes up to hand him a menu and asks if he would like anything to drink. He refuses and goes to look at the menu. At the other end of the counter is a man with a bowl of chili in frint of him, the man is resting his head on his hands and doesnt look too g...

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A chicken has a question for his mother

A young chicken goes to his mom and asks,"why are all of our names just chicken and nothing unique?"
She tells him not to worry and that he'll have a unique name soon, just like his siblings chili chicken, butter chicken and teriyaki chicken.

Why did the group of previously miscarried mothers meet at chilis?

They wanted their baby back ...baby back... baby back

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