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Lactose Jokes

A man threw some milk at my lactose intolerant friend

How Dairy!!!!

Sorry if that was a bit cheesy:)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m lactose intolerant and…

Last night, I decided to have ice cream, just for shits.

I want to make more lactose jokes (and I have a lot!) but…

I just feel like I’d be milking it, y’know?

What do you call a lactose intolerant music artist?

Post Provolone

What do they call the side effects of lactose intolerance in France?

Smelly derriere (dairy air)

A Mandalorian opens a health food store

The store has excellent quality products with the cheapest prices in town. It quickly becomes popular with the locals. The only drawback is all the product labels are written in Mandalorian. If you don't know at least a little of the language, it can sometimes be hard to find what you're looking for...

What do lactose intolerant people call a collection of meat and cheese?

A shart tootery board

People who don’t eat cheese because they are lactose intolerant…

…need to learn to be more accepting of different cultures

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made a comment earlier that people who are lactose intolerant should just eat anything and deal with the consequences later.

It caused quite the shitstorm.

Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lactose

Why don’t cows wear high heels?

Because they lactose.

what’s it called when someone who’s lactose intolerant still likes eating cheese?

BrieDSM

What do you call a lactose-intolerant person’s farts?

Their dairy-air

My wife is lactose intolerant...

so whenever she drinks milkshakes, it gives her the milk shakes.

I think Ponyboy from the Outsiders was lactose intolerant

He didn’t like Darry

My wife teases me with ice cream bc she knows I’m lactose intolerant.

She really milks it too.

I have a lactose intolerant friend who sells ice cream for a living.

He can’t take it, but he can dish it out.

I'm lactose intolerant, but I still eat chees because I'm not a barbarian.

I'm a cultured man

I sure hope Pennywise isn't lactose intolerant...

He seems to eat a lot of Derry

Did you know lactose intolerance is a genetic thing?

Runs in the family.

Did you hear about the depressed lactose-intolerant woman?

She committed soya-cide.

I need to get a valentine's card for my lactose intolerant wife

But they're all too cheesy

What do you say to a lactose intolerant Mexican?

No whey Jose.

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

I used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant.

We broke up because she couldn’t stomach my cheesy jokes.

Pickup line : hello, are you lactose intolerant?

Just wanted to make sure, my pickup line is very chessy. .


I used that once...she laughed...her husband laughed i walked away...true story btw

What is a lactose intolerant ativaxxer's worst nightmare?

Big Parma

Did you hear about the lactose intolerant man who ate a whole wheel of cheese?

it was not gouda for him later.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got into a street fight with the dairy cartel...

...Being lactose intolerant, I immediately knew shit was about to go down.

A skeleton walked into a bar…

The bartender slides him a glass of milk and the skeleton says:

“Really Jerry? I’ve known you for 20 years and you do this?”

The bartender replies:

“Oh sorry, I thought it would be funny. You know being a skeleton and all…”

To which the skeleton respond:

“What no. ...

Why couldn’t the cow get a pedicure?

Because he lactose

I don't understand lactose intolerance ppl

Why can't they just tolerate it? It's not that hard.

I'm glad my wife is lactose intolerant.

We don't have to pose for pictures.

TIFU by accidentally giving my girlfriend my sandwich that had extra cheese when she's lactose intolerant

Whoops, wrong sub.

My friend told me he can’t drink milk. I asked him if he is lactose intolerant. He said he is actually allergic to the milk protein.

I said “No whey!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: how is your bacteria converted into lactose, mixed with some sugar and milk and fruit to give it that nice extra flavor?

Friend: It's called yogurt asshole

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think i'm lactose intolerant

I've had 6 milkshakes today and feel like crap.

I had to break up with my girlfriend after I ran over her feet with a lawnmower...

I'm lactose intolerant.

A man is talking to a woman and he asks for a fun fact about her. she tells him "I am missing all my toes". the man says, "I'm sorry but I can't date you". The woman asks why and the man responds:

I am lactose intolerant.

[OC] Why cant milk cartons walk?

Because they lactose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

the waiter

So a customer says to the waiter, "I'm a vegetarian, I'm allergic to gluten, I don't eat carbs, I'm lactose intolerant, and I'm allergic to nuts. What should I get?"

And the waiter says, "... the fuck out."

what did the lactose intolerant man say after eating an ice cream cone?

please excuse my dairy air

Scientists recently have been doing some new studies with the mummy of Egypt's famous boy king.

With the aid of highly advanced mri scans they were able to ascertain he suffered from a major gastro intestinal disorder. Apparently he was lactose intolerant. So it turns out, me and the Egyptian kid got a toot in common

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When social media bans female boobs, but not men's, it shows a real intolerance...

lactose intolerance.

Yo mama so dumb

She thought her indigestion was lactose intolerance living in the milky way.

Not your dairy insect

An ant was walking around when it found a 5inch ant of his very same species:

- Why are youso big, it asked
- I drink a lot of milk

"Lactose in taller ant"

What’s the difference between somebody who doesn’t drink milk and somebody who dislikes amputees?

One is lactose intolerant, the other is lack toes intolerant

Interesting Title Here

Pun time!!

Q: What do you call dental x-rays? A: Tooth pics.

Q: What do you call a group of babies? A: An infantry.

Q: Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? A: He pasta away.

Q: Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? A: Because they lactose.

Q: What do yo...

What is the cow equivalent of Netflix and Chill?

Lactose ‘n tolerance

Cursed Warning

High-Lactose Cheeses are just minigun ammo for Lactose Intolerant people

I went to eat at a Mexican restaurant with my friend Sara.

She had recently been diagnosed lactose intolerant, and hadn't eaten dairy in months, so I was a little surprised she wanted to eat there.

Before the server could even ask if we wanted an appetizer, Sara blurted out "I haven't had cheese in forever. Bring us a cheese dip, and don't even bothe...

Why have there been no alien sightings in our galaxy yet?

They're lactose intolerant

Why don't dairy farmers wear flip flops?

Because they lactose.

What’s the difference between someone who can’t eat cheese, and someone who hates amputees?

Ones lactose intolerant, the other is lack-toes intolerant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A researcher was conducting a study on the effects of gore across various cultures

He selected an American, a European, and a Japanese man. To see the reactions of these people, he used a picture of a man with his toes freshly amputated.

The American man seemed a bit squeamish when presented with the picture, but otherwise he was okay.

The European man wrinkled his f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a guy that can't drink milk and a bunch of Nazi soup kitchens that ran out of bread?

The guy's lactose intolerant. The others lack toast and tolerance.

...god damn, that was painful. I'll show myself out.

*edit* for slightly better delivery

Why do cows need four legs to walk?

Because they lactose.










Moo

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