My doctor told me to drink a brandy with port after a hot bath...

I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sailor pulls into port with 5 bucks to his name looking for a good time

He finds the seediest brothel in town and tells the Madam his financial situation.

"Don't worry I got just what you need" she assures him.

She goes to the back and comes out with a behemoth of a woman. The sailor notices she has but 3 teeth, a glass eye is well into her 60's.

Th...

A famous pirate ship was docking in a free port...

Because the captain needs to find a wood workshop to fix his ship.He finally found one,and upon entering it,he saw a skilled apprentice.When asked to repair the ship,the apprentice was eager to join the crew,but the captain didn't want to let him in as there were enough crewmembers.So the captain sa...

What’s something that pirate ports were really known for?

Harboring fugitives

A sailor is newly arrived in port

and, of course, goes looking for female companionship. He makes a connection in a bar and they go back to her place, and just as they're starting to get hot and heavy she says "By the way, this will be $300, OK?". He reaches for his wallet and hands over the money with a slightly sour expression, th...

A luxury cruise liner is about to leave port

when the engine breaks down. Every mechanic on staff tries everything they can think of to get it running, but no luck. Desperate, the captain begins asking passengers if there's any mechanics on board. A retired old salt steps forward and says "I have 50 years experience as a navy mechanic, mayb...

Why are port holes on a ship round?

So when you open one to look out, a wave won't hit you square in the face.

How can you tell an optimist from a pessimist?

Ask them to pronounce OPPORTUNITYISNOWHERE.

So a three masted sailing ship is leaving port...

... just a day out of port the captain is standing on the deck when the lookout calls down "Sir! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"

The captain turns to his cabin boy and shouts "Bring me my red shirt!"

After the cabin boy brings him the red shirt and he puts it on, the two ships c...

A down on his luck shipwright is spending his day at the port when he sees a ship, with a damaged mast. What does he tell the captain?

Anything to make a sail.

Are you a USB port?

Because it takes me at least three tries to get it in.

Sadly the inventor of the USB port died recently. . .

They are still trying to figure out which way to put his casket into the ground.

Apple's port names are Thunderbolt and Lightning

They're starting to really frighten me.

Life is just like a USB port

50% chance of being right and always wrong.

A sailor once asked me if I knew the difference between port and starboard.

I said, "No. I've never drank any starboard".

There was a treasure ship on its way back to port.

About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!


"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.


"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.

...

So a navy man returns to his ship after a night in port. The next morning he's shocked to find everyone speaking Russian...

Whoops, wrong sub.

TIL: After Pearl Harbor, US warships fired upon friendly u boats heading back to port.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Hurricane Irma was coming, and my mother was thirsty.

My mother has a glass of port wine with almost
every dinner, and insists that any guests over 21 do the same. A handful of my friends have also come to wait out the storm with us, as they had to evacuate. While at the grocery store stocking up on food, my mother insists on getting more wine for ...

Did you hear the Port of Subs down the street burned down?

They should have been a Firehouse Subs.

Hellmann's

Most people don't know that back in the early 1900's, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was actually manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 15,000 jars of the condiment destined for Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call after its stop in New York. At the time this was to...

If USB ports could talk, they'd only ask one question.

Is it in yet?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three war veterans were having a beer at a port

They all had other nationalities; one was British, one was American and there was a German. They were having a chat in at a bar just close to the harbour 5 years after the war.

The Brit was telling about how good their motorcycles were. *we could drive almost 100 miles on one tank!*, said the...

Why do they refer to network ports as female?

Because when they stop talking to you, you never know why.

Why Does The Norway Navy Have Barcodes On The Side Of Their Ships?

So When They Come Back To Port They Can
Scandinavian

Difference between Port Authority and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station...

The other's a busty crustacean!

iPhone 8 should have no charging port.

So you can use it only once.

What's common between Marriage & a Port-a-potty?

There are those who are waiting to get in it and then you have those wanting too get out of it.

Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

Four politicians die in a car accident and they find themselves standing in front of St Peter who says he will give them the tour of heaven and hell and they can decide where they want to stay for all eternity...

Heaven is all people with halo's playing harps on clouds, singing, praying and generally praising God.

Then, a demon appears and takes them down to have a look at hell.

In hell, they meet all their old friends playing golf! They play a round, walk up to the 19th for champagne, fine win...

"Fetch me my red shirt..."

One fine afternoon, a merchant captain was guiding his crew across the Spanish Main when the sailor from the crow's nest called down in a panicked voice.



"Cap'n!!!" he cried, "Ship approaching from the starboard side! An' she's flying pirate colors!!!"




Calmly, the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A ship captain has the best crew but...

Every time he goes out to sea they drink all his rum. If it was any other crew he would get rid of them but they are the best he has ever worked with. So came up with a plan to recoup his costs. He gathers his crew and tells them "You are the best crew I have ever had but something needs to be done ...

Wife Missing?

The first thing a grieving husband should do is CALL THE COPS!

Husband: "My wife of 15 years is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!"
Sheriff: "Height?"
Husband: "I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
Sheriff: "Weight?"
Husband: "Don't kn...

Brazil factoid

TIL that, until about 1930, Brazil was known officially as the United States of Brazil, or USB. So, does that mean that Rio de Janeiro was a USB port?

What has four legs, a tail and runs?

A cow in panty hose.

​

What has four legs, a tale and smells?

​

A cow with the runs

​

What has four legs, a tail and walks?

​

A cow batting 400

​

What has four legs, a tail an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I recently sailed around the world on one of those “once in a lifetime” cruises.

The cruise was scheduled to take 6 months, visit all 7 continents, and make port calls in over 30 different cities. I was very excited and could not wait.

The cruise began with several uneventful stops along the gulf off Mexico and down the Eastern side of South America. As we neared the sout...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man sees a pirate sitting a few bar stools down from him...

... the pirate has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch like a steroetypical pirate. The man is super curious but he simply nods hello and turns back to his beer. After another pint he summons the courage to turn and ask, "If you don't mind me asking, how did you get the wooden leg?"...

Peter Pan and Captain Hook agree to a truce. (LONG)

After years upon years of fighting, kidnapping/fairynapping, and pilfering, the two rivals decide to agree to a truce, as both are realizing that their hearts are no longer in the fight. They agree that Pan and the Lost Boys will stay mostly on the mainland, and Hook and the Pirates will stay out to...

Given that it be Talk Like A Pirate Day, I be havin' a story about me parrot!

Back when I were just a young sea-dog, I found meself sailin' under the iron grip o' Captain Nobeard. A fearsome pirate, was she, known fer cuttin' down anyone who crossed her!

Well, being a new pirate, I figured I'd be needin' a parrot fer me shoulder. Picked one out, did I, in the first por...

It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean...

It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.

Why does the Norway Navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian!

Edit: whoops I meant Norwegian Navy

Edit 2: Thanks to commenters I have links to other people who have posted this joke! I haven’t been around very long so I didn’t know, go give them an upvote as well if you’d like!

2015:...

A steamboat captain brought his son along on a short cruise upriver to show him what he does for a living, but all the kid wanted to do was steer the boat. Insisting that his father taught him enough to handle the job, he asked the pilot to let him take the helm...

"Okay..." said the pilot. "But you must pass a small test first. If I asked you to turn to the left, what nautical term should I use?"

"Turn to port!" said the boy.

"Correct!" said the pilot.

"If I wanted you to turn the boat to the right, what direction would that be?"
...

Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?

So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.

Why a Netherlander pilot can't never land his plane?

The Flying Dutchman can never make port.

Why does the Nintendo switch come with a dock?

Because of all the ports

(Told to me by my wife)

Two sailors were chatting

One says "We'll soon arrive at Port. I can't wait to make love to my lady, it's been so long."

The other one promptly replies "Yeah, me too. Say, have you ever made love to your girl in the other hole?"

"No, are you crazy? I don't wanna make her pregnant"

What do you call a pirated version of Windows?

Port Holes

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once, I met a pirate with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch

I asked him "What happened to your leg?"

"Arr," he responded, "One day I was in a battle at sea and a cannon ball blew my leg right off. I cut the throat of the man who fired the shot though."

"That sounds awful. What happened to your hand?"

"Arr, one day at sea I was knocked of...

A grizzled old sea captain decided to test one of his recent recruits.

“Let’s say you see a storm heading your way off the starboard side. What would you do?”

“I would throw out an anchor, sir,” said the deckhand confidently.

“All right,” said the captain. “Then let’s say a second storm was coming in from your port side. Then what would you do?”

Th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Desert Deployment Story [OC] [Long]

When I was deployed to middle east there were these Asian or Arabic guys who made food and cleaned out the port-a-johns and things like that. (I can’t tell what ethnicity they were because I’m from the Midwest and I don’t meet anyone who isn’t white or Latin-American or Vietnamese.)

Anyway o...

True story: I'm at a music festival with my wife and she is looking good.

I convince her to go to the port-a-potties. I ask here how high do you think the floor is off the ground. She says "I don't know, 3 inches?". I seductively ask her if she would like to accompany me in to the port-a-pottie and Join the 3 inch club. She looks at me sarcastically and says......"Oh, I'...

An old ship captain, after years of good service, dies...

He was one of the most revered captains his nearly 50 year career. The crew had little idea what to do with all his belongings gathered from all the country's he's visited.
After a few weeks of talking it through with the crew and family the first mate remembers a weird habit the captain had. ...

The hare and the tortoise

The hare and the tortoise were having a rematch. This time, they decided to race through Europe, starting with London. The plan was to race to Dover, get the ferry across, and go along the French coast, across Belgium, Germany, and head north through Denmark.

The hare figured that his fur wo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Red Shitt

The captain of a Spanish ship is walking around the deck inspecting the rigging and checking for damage when he hears from the crow's nest "Pirate ship to port, 2 kilometers." Upon receiving the news the captain tells his new first mate "Fetch me my red shirt at once."

The first mate brings t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If Dr. Seuss wrote instruction manuals.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW][LONG]It gets lonely out at sea

A sailor has been out at sea for 6 months and when his boat finally arrived in Bangkok he decided to seek some companionship. The problem was that he hadn't gotten paid yet and all he had was 75 cents and the bus costs 25 cents each way but he was determined so he hopped on the bus to the red light ...

A man was traveling for

work, and he made his way to the airport. As he enters, a deep voice tells him "don't go! You will die". He turns around, but nobody is behind him. Spooked, he decided to go back home. As he arrives home, he sees in the news that the airplane he was supposed to board crashed and all passengers died....

There are these three older gentlemen in their club....

...somewhere in the West End of London, and it's the late 1920s or so. They're sitting in the Chesterfield armchairs, drinking their beakers of port, smoking cigars, and generally chatting about life, and the conversation circles round to the great inevitable, and they start to wonder how they want...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

2 aliens patrolling the universe looking for intelligent life.

There are these 2 aliens, one new and one seasoned regarding searching the universe for intelligent life.

They come across earth and decide to land out of all places the desert. They are walking for what seems like miles in search of any intelligent life when they come across a gas station.<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Singing blowjob (NSFW)

One of my friends was a sailor in the navy many moons ago. He was out on deployment for long periods of time, and being a ship without women, he was naturally frisky.

They arrived at an island to resupply and the crew were given leave - so he makes his way to the nearest tavern and enquires o...

What does Ukraine have in common with the iPhone 7?

They both suffered the loss of one very important port.

Did you hear Apple is going into the wine business?

Their vineyard will produce every varietal of wine... except ports.

Whats Trump's favorite adaptor?

He isn't too picky. Anything to D-Port makes him happy.

Dirty Jokes for Grandma

A sailor comes to port, and decides he really needs to get laid. So he walks into town, and sees a sign- "Sisters of Mercy Convent & Brothel". He walks into what appears to be a church. There's a nun sitting by a table near the door. She intuits what it is he's looking for, and says, put $5 in t...

What is Donald Trump's favorite Counter Strike map?

de_port

A man buys a monitor lizard for his PC.

Back home, he tries to connect it to the computer via HDMI.

The lizard bites him, so he calls the shop.

Tech support: "Monitor Lizards are not compactible with HDMI. You need to connect the lizard via UCP (Universal Cloacal Port). Also they love computer mice. You should buy a 20-pac...

Manatees

A Spanish sailor and a French sailor are talking at a port bar together. The French sailor tells the Spanish sailor that he's been hearing stories of mermaids from the English sailors. The Spanish sailor says that mermaids are just a myth and the English just mistook manatees for mermaids. The Frenc...

What does America and Apple both have in common?

They both started to de-port when jobs died.

I applied for art school

I had no port folio, had never drawn in my life and absolutely no talent.

I was furious when they rejected me because I was the perfect candidate.

Surely if anyone needs lessons it's me!

One day a man sat down to relieve himself

One day a man sat down to relieve himself in a port-o-potty when he heard a voice shout out, "No!".
Hearing this the man got off the toilet and asked who said that.
The voice responded," I am down here!"
The man looked down into the toilet and saw an Indian man. The man was shocked and ask...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Peg-Legged, Hook-Handed, One-Eyed Pirate...

After thirteen months of sailing the seven seas, a battle-worn schooner filled to the brim with booty and booze makes port in the rag-tag pirate isle of Tortuga.

The captain - a buccaneer known the world over for his utter lack of mercy, his terrible greed, and his hearty girth - lumbers off ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

normally don't like longer jokes but, this is funny

A US Navy cruiser was anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening in port, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy, influential plantation owner (who also happened to be a very generous political donor). It read:

"Dear Ca...

An Afghan, upon landing at Islamabad Airport,

introduced himself to a Pakistan Immigration Officer, as Ex-Minister of Ports & Shipping of Afghanistan.

The surprised Pakistani Officer asked:"But there is no sea in Afghanistan. How can you be the Ex-Minister of Ports & Shipping.?"

The Afghan replied: "Wallah ya Habibi, don't...

Did you know that Samsung also manufacture hangar ships?

Must be because of all their ports left Open.

(l8 to the party i know)

Kinda nerdy IT thing that escaped my mouth today at work...

I'd set up a server and tested everything internally. I was able to visit pages on the apache server, and make calls to the tomcat rest api servlet just fine.

However, when I tried external tests nothing worked. I checked, rechecked and verified the firewall was allowing the correct ports t...

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Sailor Cant Take It

So a couple of sailors were sitting around the ship's mess hall trading stories of their most adventurous sexual encounters. Trading stories back and fourth they realized that Jim hadn't said anything at all. So Jim's shipmates ask him to tell them a really juicy sex story. Jim replied " I don't...

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Mama shark and baby shark

One day the mama shark decided that it was time to teach her baby how to hunt for food. She spots a cruise ship pulling into port and soon after the people are beginning to play in the water. Mama shark tells her baby "See those people in the water? I want you to go over there and swim three circles...