Port Jokes - 92 Hilarious Port Jokes

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A sailor arrives to a port city

He runs off to the closest brothel and begs the madam
“Madam, I just spent the last two years at sea with men only around me, I must be with a woman, but I only have 5 dollars, is there someone I can get for 5$?”

The Madam answers -
“Well, 5$ is way too cheap for anything… but, there is...

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Saw a joke over at r/electricians today whilst on the port a potty!

So I was on the jonny, and I shit you not, there in front of me on the shitter door was a note that said,"toilet tennis, look left!

I looked left and it read,"look right!"

I laughed so hard I shit myself, which was ok givin the location!

TIL: After Pearl Harbor, US warships fired upon friendly u boats heading back to port.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Two electric car owners were seen today fighting over a charging port.

The police have said it was a charged environment and they will amp up patrols around area. A lot of witnesses were shocked and some saw someone socket to the other.

Did you hear the man who invented the USB port died?

At his funeral they lowered the casket....

Then raised it, turned it around, and lowered it again.

So a three masted sailing ship is leaving port...

... just a day out of port the captain is standing on the deck when the lookout calls down "Sir! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"

The captain turns to his cabin boy and shouts "Bring me my red shirt!"

After the cabin boy brings him the red shirt and he puts it on, the two ships...

In the end I went to the port along with everyone else.

I gave in to pier pressure.

Have you heard of that brothel by the port?

I believe it's called "The Land Ho!"

Hey girl, are you a USB port?

Because I might have to flip you over a few times before it fits.

A luxury cruise liner is about to leave port

when the engine breaks down. Every mechanic on staff tries everything they can think of to get it running, but no luck. Desperate, the captain begins asking passengers if there's any mechanics on board. A retired old salt steps forward and says "I have 50 years experience as a navy mechanic, mayb...

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What is it called when you lift a port-a-potty on the roof of a 2 story building with a crane?

Taking that shit to the next level.

Are you a USB port?

Because it takes me at least three tries to get it in.

What do Donald Trump & the iPhone 7 have in common?

They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs.

Why is it religious ships never make it far from port?

Because they are holy

Why did Norway’s Navy have barcodes on all the ships?

So when they come back into port they can Scandinavian...

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A military ship pulls into a foreign port for shore leave

Before they all depart, the commanding officer makes an address to the crew:

"In this city, half of the women have AIDS and half the women have COVID. Given the knowledge of these facts, what will your course of action be here?"

"I'll just fuck the ones who cough, sir"

Sadly the inventor of the USB port died recently. . .

They are still trying to figure out which way to put his casket into the ground.

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Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

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I was walking with my new boyfriend and ran into my ex…

He came up smugly to my new boyfriend and said,

“Hey asshole, let me tell you something. This chick over here, she’s worn out goods. I’ve used her before."

"Don't worry babe, just the front two inches, everything else is brand new.”

Edited: Based on amazing feedback by u/vp_port

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Each year I eagerly anticipate this day so I can share my favorite Dad Joke of all time:

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This wo...

Why are port holes on a ship round?

So when you open one to look out, a wave won't hit you square in the face.

A sailor is newly arrived in port

and, of course, goes looking for female companionship. He makes a connection in a bar and they go back to her place, and just as they're starting to get hot and heavy she says "By the way, this will be $300, OK?". He reaches for his wallet and hands over the money with a slightly sour expression, th...

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Have you heard about the butt plug with a USB port?

Now you can really back that ass up!

Why do they refer to network ports as female?

Because when they stop talking to you, you never know why.

An Afghan escaping from Taliban walks in through the Pakistani border...

He is immediately stopped by Pakistani border patrol agents and asked to identify himself. He stops and says he's the Minister of Ports & Shipping of Afghanistan.

Paxtani border officer: "But there is no sea in Afghanistan. How can you be the Minister of Ports & Shipping?"

Afg...

A sailor once asked me if I knew the difference between port and starboard.

I said, "No. I've never drank any starboard".

A man goes to a boat port at notices a man with a small head

He goes up to the man and asks why he has such a small head. The man tells him a story

Once a couple years ago, I was fishing on my little boat when all of a sudden I fell something very large in my net. I reel it in, only to find it is a mermaid. I was going to kill her and sell her ...

A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort ...

The portly bald wizard just made a basketball appear out of thin air.

He must be a sportscaster.

So a navy man returns to his ship after a night in port. The next morning he's shocked to find everyone speaking Russian...

Whoops, wrong sub.

Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port.

About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving
in the breeze!

"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.

"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea
chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.
...

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Beach residents near the cruise ship ports are enjoying the visually noticeable cleaner water.

No shit.

Ships were arriving at the port in alphabetical order. One of the last ships was moving at a snails pace...

It was carrying the 'S cargo'

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A traditional piece of 20th century Jewish humour from Odesa, Ukraine

Early in the morning at the Pryvoz market, Benya meets Izya with a suitcase and three rubles in his hand. Benya asks, "Izya, where are you headed?"
Izya replies, "Ah, Benya, I'm going to the port. Finally decided to go to America, gonna buy some cable!"
"Well, good luck!" Benya responds, while...

My doctor told me to drink a brandy with port after a hot bath...

I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath.

A famous pirate ship was docking in a free port...

Because the captain needs to find a wood workshop to fix his ship.He finally found one,and upon entering it,he saw a skilled apprentice.When asked to repair the ship,the apprentice was eager to join the crew,but the captain didn't want to let him in as there were enough crewmembers.So the captain sa...

A brittish boat is nearby a port in Germany and calls for help on the radio:

-WE ARE SINKING! WE ARE SINKING!
The german replies:
-Wat are you sinking about?

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Three war veterans were having a beer at a port

They all had other nationalities; one was British, one was American and there was a German. They were having a chat in at a bar just close to the harbour 5 years after the war.

The Brit was telling about how good their motorcycles were. *we could drive almost 100 miles on one tank!*, said the...

What's common between Marriage & a Port-a-potty?

There are those who are waiting to get in it and then you have those wanting too get out of it.

If USB ports could talk, they'd only ask one question.

Is it in yet?

Why does the Norway Navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian!

Edit: whoops I meant Norwegian Navy

Edit 2: Thanks to commenters I have links to other people who have posted this joke! I haven’t been around very long so I didn’t know, go give them an upvote as well if you’d like!

2015:...

"Ladies and gentlemen," the intercom on a large intercontinental flight announces, "this is your captain speaking. Please look out of the window on the port, or left side of the aircraft, and you will see that the left engine is on fire..."

"Now please look out of the starboard window, or right side of the aircraft, and you will see that the wing is breaking off, and will soon separate from the fuselage..."

"Now, please look down, to the tropical island below. At the beach, you will notice a small orange object. It is a life...

iPhone 8 should have no charging port.

So you can use it only once.

Difference between Port Authority and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station...

The other's a busty crustacean!

What type of wine do traders drink?

ImPORT/ ExPORT

What did one tile say when the other tile offered it a glass of port?

No thanks, it's bad for my grout.

Why did Rockstar choose to invest in a Harbour when diversifying their assets?

Because their ports are always a disaster!

There was once a taxi driver named Skyye...

...who frequented the taxi stands by the port and, one day, a Russian captain flagged him down. The captain wanted a good time in New York City, so Skyye took him to an early Broadway show, a couple of exceptional bars, and to see the girls at an alley gambling joint.

Skyye dropped them off a...

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A joke written by the AI, ChatGPT

The sky above the port was the color of a moldy jellyfish, a sickly green that made everyone below feel nauseous. But a group of rebellious clowns, led by the hapless hero Isaac Newton, had a plan to bring some joy to the dreary sky. Using a circus tent and a lot of helium, they intended to lift the...

Hey guys, why did Vikings put barcodes on there battleship?

So when they get back to the port, they can scan-the-navy-in!

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

A down on his luck shipwright is spending his day at the port when he sees a ship, with a damaged mast. What does he tell the captain?

Anything to make a sail.

I think EA should make a game about the maritime shipping industry

EA Ports

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January, 1774. Revolution stirs in the English colonies.

January, 1774. Revolution stirs in the English colonies. Just last month a rebel group called the Sons of Liberty caused a ruckus in Boston about tea being taxed too high. Tax collectors tarred and feathered. High anti royalist sentiment. William Cotillion, King George's personal advisor to the colo...

Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?

So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.

Hurricane Irma was coming, and my mother was thirsty.

My mother has a glass of port wine with almost
every dinner, and insists that any guests over 21 do the same. A handful of my friends have also come to wait out the storm with us, as they had to evacuate. While at the grocery store stocking up on food, my mother insists on getting more wine for ...

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little ...

It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean...

It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.

To all my techie, nerdy, geeky compatriots out there:

I got a date. Connection on port 443. Ok. Whatever path I took... it all ended in 403.

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A priest is nervous about conducting his first church service...

...he gives it his best effort and does horribly. Feeling dejected he returns to his quarters where he finds an anonymous note, it reads: "Next Sunday, take some of the port and sip it whilst carrying out the service, it will calm your nerves."

The priest thinks this is great advice and sets ...

Two Egyptians sailed far out, into the sea

"We've sailed too far from the port! I can't see anything familiar" Says one

"We can't have sailed too far" Says the other

They were in de-Nile

Two Drunk Sailors:

So, these two drunk sailors arrive at this Naval port city by boat and they begin to go to each and every one of the bars. Once they get kicked out of one they go to another.

So for the rest of the night they get absolutely wasted, and when they get kicked out of the last bar they begin to st...

Captain

A U.S. Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week's liberty.The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner: “Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's coming of age party. I would li...

Why is it windy at the Airport?

Because it is where all the air ports.

All Swedish battleships have a UPC code printed on the hull.

When the ships return to port, it helps them Scandinavian.

Did you hear about the depressed hipster?

They found him in his garage, with a hose in his drivers side window, leading to the charging port of his Tesla.

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Young mans first-ever around-the-world cruise

A young sailor about to go on his first-ever around-the-world cruise, visits his grandfather, a retired Admiral.

“Gramps, I’m so excited to go on my first cruise,” he says.

“Well, son, let me see your pack so I can make sure you’re taking everything you need,” says the grandfather.
...

The aircraft carrier captain saw a light whilst at sea

"Tell the signalman to warn that boat to turn to port to avoid a collision."

But the light flashes back "\*YOU\* turn to port to avoid a collision."

The captain, incensed, sends the message "This is a 200 kiloton aircraft carrier with 50 warplanes, atomic bombs and cruise missiles! \*Y...

How do elves wash their hands?

With Santa-tiser.

Credit to Greencross Vets in Port Macquarie

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A man sees a pirate sitting a few bar stools down from him...

... the pirate has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch like a steroetypical pirate. The man is super curious but he simply nods hello and turns back to his beer. After another pint he summons the courage to turn and ask, "If you don't mind me asking, how did you get the wooden leg?"...

A man, renowned for rapidly building subterranean parking access for wealthy people that always followed the same design, was taken to the hospital after completing his 500th that year.

After careful examinations, doctors diagnosed the man with car port tunnel syndrome.

A Captain's wife after a year of marriage

loves her husband dearly, misses him the long weeks he's upon the unforgiving sea earning their keep, but worries some fateful day he won't return. Wise woman that she is, she knew what man, what life she chose. Her man is Captain of the Rigid Timber, hardest working ship on the sea. He is an honest...

Swedish Computer Terms

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Once, I met a pirate with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch

I asked him "What happened to your leg?"

"Arr," he responded, "One day I was in a battle at sea and a cannon ball blew my leg right off. I cut the throat of the man who fired the shot though."

"That sounds awful. What happened to your hand?"

"Arr, one day at sea I was knocked of...

What do game companies do with their old successful games?

Post Mortem, most port em.

A long time ago there was a fishing village...

In this fishing village, they worshipped the sea. They did everything on the ocean--they lived in huts on the beach or over the water, they were always fishing, cultivating, and harvesting from the ocean. They also had this custom where they would name their kids based off of how they interacted wit...

It turns out the iPhone 7 is illegal.

It got de-ported

What type of toilets do pirates prefer?

Port-a-potties.

I'll sea myself out.

How does a man become a woman crossing the ocean?

Through the proper trans-port.

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[NSFW] A ship captain has the best crew but...

Every time he goes out to sea they drink all his rum. If it was any other crew he would get rid of them but they are the best he has ever worked with. So came up with a plan to recoup his costs. He gathers his crew and tells them "You are the best crew I have ever had but something needs to be done ...

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A mariner and a woman meet in a bar in New York City...

She says "I have always wanted to visit Europe, but I can't afford a ticket."

The seaman tells her he will sneak her onto his ship, bring her food and water every day until they get to a European port in exchange for sex. She agrees.

The mariner sneaks her onto the ship and hides ...

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two guys traveling out west

One guy has to take a dump. Complains to other guy, but they can't find a rest area. Finally they see a port a pot on the side of the road. Guy runs in there but shouts "THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER!!" other guy shouts back "just use a dollar!!"

Guy comes out in a while and has crap smeared all o...

"Greetings, my name is Bill Wateryoulookinat"

...says a man to another on the docks, he continues, "I work here at this port, is that your boat?".
"Yes it is." replies the man, "But I must say that is quite a unique name!".
"Thank you," he says, "It has been passed down for many generations, for my father also worked this port, and ...

True story: I'm at a music festival with my wife and she is looking good.

I convince her to go to the port-a-potties. I ask here how high do you think the floor is off the ground. She says "I don't know, 3 inches?". I seductively ask her if she would like to accompany me in to the port-a-pottie and Join the 3 inch club. She looks at me sarcastically and says......"Oh, I'...

Kinda nerdy IT thing that escaped my mouth today at work...

I'd set up a server and tested everything internally. I was able to visit pages on the apache server, and make calls to the tomcat rest api servlet just fine.

However, when I tried external tests nothing worked. I checked, rechecked and verified the firewall was allowing the correct ports t...

Why did the pirate not like the old video game with a liberal-leaning political message?

It was hard to port

Four politicians die in a car accident and they find themselves standing in front of St Peter who says he will give them the tour of heaven and hell and they can decide where they want to stay for all eternity...

Heaven is all people with halo's playing harps on clouds, singing, praying and generally praising God.

Then, a demon appears and takes them down to have a look at hell.

In hell, they meet all their old friends playing golf! They play a round, walk up to the 19th for champagne, fine win...

What do you call a drunken sailor?

Hard to Port.

Why a Netherlander pilot can't never land his plane?

The Flying Dutchman can never make port.

What does Ukraine have in common with the iPhone 7?

They both suffered the loss of one very important port.

What do you call a pirated version of Windows?

Port Holes

A sailor walks into a bar and sits down next to a pretty woman.

Sailor: Do you like men in uniform?

Woman: I like the army and the air force, but sailors annoy me.

Sailor: Why's that?

Woman: They just overuse nautical terminology so much. That sort of thing is really irritating.

Sailor: I guess you're starboard about that. My wife sai...

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