My doctor told me to drink a brandy with port after a hot bath...

I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath.

Hey girl, are you a USB port?

Because I might have to flip you over a few times before it fits.

Why can't French vineyards produce a good Port or Sherry?

Because the French don't know how to fortify *anything*!

Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port.

About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving
in the breeze!

"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.

"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea
chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.
...

A famous pirate ship was docking in a free port...

Because the captain needs to find a wood workshop to fix his ship.He finally found one,and upon entering it,he saw a skilled apprentice.When asked to repair the ship,the apprentice was eager to join the crew,but the captain didn't want to let him in as there were enough crewmembers.So the captain sa...

Apple's port names are Thunderbolt and Lightning

They're starting to really frighten me.

A sailor is newly arrived in port

and, of course, goes looking for female companionship. He makes a connection in a bar and they go back to her place, and just as they're starting to get hot and heavy she says "By the way, this will be $300, OK?". He reaches for his wallet and hands over the money with a slightly sour expression, th...

A luxury cruise liner is about to leave port

when the engine breaks down. Every mechanic on staff tries everything they can think of to get it running, but no luck. Desperate, the captain begins asking passengers if there's any mechanics on board. A retired old salt steps forward and says "I have 50 years experience as a navy mechanic, mayb...

Why are port holes on a ship round?

So when you open one to look out, a wave won't hit you square in the face.

How can you tell an optimist from a pessimist?

Ask them to pronounce OPPORTUNITYISNOWHERE.

Are you a USB port?

Because it takes me at least three tries to get it in.

What’s something that pirate ports were really known for?

Harboring fugitives

Sadly the inventor of the USB port died recently. . .

They are still trying to figure out which way to put his casket into the ground.

A down on his luck shipwright is spending his day at the port when he sees a ship, with a damaged mast. What does he tell the captain?

Anything to make a sail.

Did you hear the Port of Subs down the street burned down?

They should have been a Firehouse Subs.

A sailor once asked me if I knew the difference between port and starboard.

I said, "No. I've never drank any starboard".

Life is just like a USB port

50% chance of being right and always wrong.

So a navy man returns to his ship after a night in port. The next morning he's shocked to find everyone speaking Russian...

Whoops, wrong sub.

So a three masted sailing ship is leaving port...

... just a day out of port the captain is standing on the deck when the lookout calls down "Sir! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"

The captain turns to his cabin boy and shouts "Bring me my red shirt!"

After the cabin boy brings him the red shirt and he puts it on, the two ships c...

TIL: After Pearl Harbor, US warships fired upon friendly u boats heading back to port.

Whoops, wrong sub.

If USB ports could talk, they'd only ask one question.

Is it in yet?

Hurricane Irma was coming, and my mother was thirsty.

My mother has a glass of port wine with almost
every dinner, and insists that any guests over 21 do the same. A handful of my friends have also come to wait out the storm with us, as they had to evacuate. While at the grocery store stocking up on food, my mother insists on getting more wine for ...

Why do they refer to network ports as female?

Because when they stop talking to you, you never know why.

iPhone 8 should have no charging port.

So you can use it only once.

Why does the Swedish navy put barcodes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back to port, they can Scandinavian!

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This happened in the old South

A rich white woman calls the captain of a ship that docked in her port town and tells him: "Captain, I am having a high end party tonight. I have six young daughters. I'd like you to send six handsome and fit sailors to my home to dance with and entertain my daughters. I will compensate you well. Ju...

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A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

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Three war veterans were having a beer at a port

They all had other nationalities; one was British, one was American and there was a German. They were having a chat in at a bar just close to the harbour 5 years after the war.

The Brit was telling about how good their motorcycles were. *we could drive almost 100 miles on one tank!*, said the...

Difference between Port Authority and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station...

The other's a busty crustacean!

What did one tile say when the other tile offered it a glass of port?

No thanks, it's bad for my grout.

Why are shipping companies mad at Apple?

They’re killing all the ports.

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A young sailor about to on his first ever around the world cruise" visits his grandfather, a retired Admiral.

"Gramps, I'm so excited to go on my first cruise," he says.



"Well, son, let me see your pack so I can make sure you're taking everything you need," says the grandfather.



The sailor goes and grabs his suitcase. He opens it for his grandfather to inspect, only to get smac...

Mexicans and mayonnaise

Most people don't know that in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to have been the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would h...

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A team of engineers are unveiling their new invention to a navy admiral

“So from what I can see, it appears to just be a normal submarine” the Admiral says.

“Quite far from it...” the lead engineer responds, “... while it may appear to be your standard submarine. It has quite the trick up it’s selves”

“Well what is it”, the Admiral says excitedly.

...

NSFW When I was in the Navy...

When I was in the Navy, there was one time when we pulled into port and were given 24 hours of leave to do whatever we wanted.

I went straight downtown and got a hooker and a room.

I told her I'd pay extra if she talked dirty to me and begged me to be dominant.

So she told me,...

What's common between Marriage & a Port-a-potty?

There are those who are waiting to get in it and then you have those wanting too get out of it.

What do you call a drunken sailor?

Hard to Port.

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Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

David and Shane worked for a small furniture company which had recently developed a new product.

They had been developing a new kind of smart shelf, and it was finally finished. This shelf had everything! Part of it featured a built in wireless charger, there were USB ports, part of it could flip up to reveal a screen which could be used as digital picture frame as well as had access to YouTube...

Four politicians die in a car accident and they find themselves standing in front of St Peter who says he will give them the tour of heaven and hell and they can decide where they want to stay for all eternity...

Heaven is all people with halo's playing harps on clouds, singing, praying and generally praising God.

Then, a demon appears and takes them down to have a look at hell.

In hell, they meet all their old friends playing golf! They play a round, walk up to the 19th for champagne, fine win...

Wife Missing?

The first thing a grieving husband should do is CALL THE COPS!

Husband: "My wife of 15 years is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!"
Sheriff: "Height?"
Husband: "I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
Sheriff: "Weight?"
Husband: "Don't kn...

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Clara was on a cruise by herself for vacation.

She was at the railings, staring at the ocean, watching the sunset. Then, a man walked down the stairs, watching her. He decided to start talking to Clara.



"Maam, you hsve very pretty eyes. Would you like to go eat dinner with me?"



Clara blushed and accepted, taking his...

"Fetch me my red shirt..."

One fine afternoon, a merchant captain was guiding his crew across the Spanish Main when the sailor from the crow's nest called down in a panicked voice.



"Cap'n!!!" he cried, "Ship approaching from the starboard side! An' she's flying pirate colors!!!"




Calmly, the ...

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[NSFW] A ship captain has the best crew but...

Every time he goes out to sea they drink all his rum. If it was any other crew he would get rid of them but they are the best he has ever worked with. So came up with a plan to recoup his costs. He gathers his crew and tells them "You are the best crew I have ever had but something needs to be done ...

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I recently sailed around the world on one of those “once in a lifetime” cruises.

The cruise was scheduled to take 6 months, visit all 7 continents, and make port calls in over 30 different cities. I was very excited and could not wait.

The cruise began with several uneventful stops along the gulf off Mexico and down the Eastern side of South America. As we neared the sout...

Why does the Norway Navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian!

Edit: whoops I meant Norwegian Navy

Edit 2: Thanks to commenters I have links to other people who have posted this joke! I haven’t been around very long so I didn’t know, go give them an upvote as well if you’d like!

2015:...

It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean...

It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.

Given that it be Talk Like A Pirate Day, I be havin' a story about me parrot!

Back when I were just a young sea-dog, I found meself sailin' under the iron grip o' Captain Nobeard. A fearsome pirate, was she, known fer cuttin' down anyone who crossed her!

Well, being a new pirate, I figured I'd be needin' a parrot fer me shoulder. Picked one out, did I, in the first por...

Peter Pan and Captain Hook agree to a truce. (LONG)

After years upon years of fighting, kidnapping/fairynapping, and pilfering, the two rivals decide to agree to a truce, as both are realizing that their hearts are no longer in the fight. They agree that Pan and the Lost Boys will stay mostly on the mainland, and Hook and the Pirates will stay out to...

Brazil factoid

TIL that, until about 1930, Brazil was known officially as the United States of Brazil, or USB. So, does that mean that Rio de Janeiro was a USB port?

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A man sees a pirate sitting a few bar stools down from him...

... the pirate has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch like a steroetypical pirate. The man is super curious but he simply nods hello and turns back to his beer. After another pint he summons the courage to turn and ask, "If you don't mind me asking, how did you get the wooden leg?"...

There are these three older gentlemen in their club....

...somewhere in the West End of London, and it's the late 1920s or so. They're sitting in the Chesterfield armchairs, drinking their beakers of port, smoking cigars, and generally chatting about life, and the conversation circles round to the great inevitable, and they start to wonder how they want...

Why a Netherlander pilot can't never land his plane?

The Flying Dutchman can never make port.

Why does the Nintendo switch come with a dock?

Because of all the ports

(Told to me by my wife)

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Once, I met a pirate with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch

I asked him "What happened to your leg?"

"Arr," he responded, "One day I was in a battle at sea and a cannon ball blew my leg right off. I cut the throat of the man who fired the shot though."

"That sounds awful. What happened to your hand?"

"Arr, one day at sea I was knocked of...

True story: I'm at a music festival with my wife and she is looking good.

I convince her to go to the port-a-potties. I ask here how high do you think the floor is off the ground. She says "I don't know, 3 inches?". I seductively ask her if she would like to accompany me in to the port-a-pottie and Join the 3 inch club. She looks at me sarcastically and says......"Oh, I'...

What do you call a pirated version of Windows?

Port Holes

A grizzled old sea captain decided to test one of his recent recruits.

“Let’s say you see a storm heading your way off the starboard side. What would you do?”

“I would throw out an anchor, sir,” said the deckhand confidently.

“All right,” said the captain. “Then let’s say a second storm was coming in from your port side. Then what would you do?”

Th...

Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?

So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.

A steamboat captain brought his son along on a short cruise upriver to show him what he does for a living, but all the kid wanted to do was steer the boat. Insisting that his father taught him enough to handle the job, he asked the pilot to let him take the helm...

"Okay..." said the pilot. "But you must pass a small test first. If I asked you to turn to the left, what nautical term should I use?"

"Turn to port!" said the boy.

"Correct!" said the pilot.

"If I wanted you to turn the boat to the right, what direction would that be?"
...

An old ship captain, after years of good service, dies...

He was one of the most revered captains his nearly 50 year career. The crew had little idea what to do with all his belongings gathered from all the country's he's visited.
After a few weeks of talking it through with the crew and family the first mate remembers a weird habit the captain had. ...

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Desert Deployment Story [OC] [Long]

When I was deployed to middle east there were these Asian or Arabic guys who made food and cleaned out the port-a-johns and things like that. (I can’t tell what ethnicity they were because I’m from the Midwest and I don’t meet anyone who isn’t white or Latin-American or Vietnamese.)

Anyway o...

Two sailors were chatting

One says "We'll soon arrive at Port. I can't wait to make love to my lady, it's been so long."

The other one promptly replies "Yeah, me too. Say, have you ever made love to your girl in the other hole?"

"No, are you crazy? I don't wanna make her pregnant"

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If Dr. Seuss wrote instruction manuals.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-...

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My Red Shitt

The captain of a Spanish ship is walking around the deck inspecting the rigging and checking for damage when he hears from the crow's nest "Pirate ship to port, 2 kilometers." Upon receiving the news the captain tells his new first mate "Fetch me my red shirt at once."

The first mate brings t...

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[NSFW][LONG]It gets lonely out at sea

A sailor has been out at sea for 6 months and when his boat finally arrived in Bangkok he decided to seek some companionship. The problem was that he hadn't gotten paid yet and all he had was 75 cents and the bus costs 25 cents each way but he was determined so he hopped on the bus to the red light ...

A man was traveling for

work, and he made his way to the airport. As he enters, a deep voice tells him "don't go! You will die". He turns around, but nobody is behind him. Spooked, he decided to go back home. As he arrives home, he sees in the news that the airplane he was supposed to board crashed and all passengers died....

Dirty Jokes for Grandma

A sailor comes to port, and decides he really needs to get laid. So he walks into town, and sees a sign- "Sisters of Mercy Convent & Brothel". He walks into what appears to be a church. There's a nun sitting by a table near the door. She intuits what it is he's looking for, and says, put $5 in t...

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Singing blowjob (NSFW)

One of my friends was a sailor in the navy many moons ago. He was out on deployment for long periods of time, and being a ship without women, he was naturally frisky.

They arrived at an island to resupply and the crew were given leave - so he makes his way to the nearest tavern and enquires o...

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2 aliens patrolling the universe looking for intelligent life.

There are these 2 aliens, one new and one seasoned regarding searching the universe for intelligent life.

They come across earth and decide to land out of all places the desert. They are walking for what seems like miles in search of any intelligent life when they come across a gas station.<...

Why couldn’t the hacker cross the sea ?

The port was closed.

Did you hear Apple is going into the wine business?

Their vineyard will produce every varietal of wine... except ports.

What does Ukraine have in common with the iPhone 7?

They both suffered the loss of one very important port.

Whats Trump's favorite adaptor?

He isn't too picky. Anything to D-Port makes him happy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

normally don't like longer jokes but, this is funny

A US Navy cruiser was anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening in port, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy, influential plantation owner (who also happened to be a very generous political donor). It read:

"Dear Ca...

What is Donald Trump's favorite Counter Strike map?

de_port

I applied for art school

I had no port folio, had never drawn in my life and absolutely no talent.

I was furious when they rejected me because I was the perfect candidate.

Surely if anyone needs lessons it's me!

One day a man sat down to relieve himself

One day a man sat down to relieve himself in a port-o-potty when he heard a voice shout out, "No!".
Hearing this the man got off the toilet and asked who said that.
The voice responded," I am down here!"
The man looked down into the toilet and saw an Indian man. The man was shocked and ask...

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