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Carry On Jokes

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"...

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the mo...

Making fun of that British actor Cumberbatch's name is legally required to carry on.

There's Ben an Edict.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sangfroid is not saying "carry on" when you catch your wife cheating.

Sangfroid is when the husband of the woman you're having sex with says, "Carry on," and so you do.

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

My relationship with trading is a weird one. They are unstable, constantly deplete my money, give me mental trauma, but I carry on thinking about the good times I had with them, and the money they made for me.

Guess I have "Stock"holm syndrome

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

My girlfriend claims I can’t carry on claiming to have French-Italian heritage when people ask me where I’m from.

Corsican.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,...

If my male child was being stubborn before a flight could I check him with my luggage?

Or would I have to carry on my wayward son?

The old man's pool

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.

Right at the back of the farm, there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer d...

A man goes hiking on a mountain...

A man goes hiking on a mountain, when all of a sudden he gets really thirsty. He forgot to bring any water, so he just continues walking. After a few minutes he finds a crossing with a well by the side of the road. He looks into the well but he cant see any water, not even the bottom of the well....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came home one day and caught my wife in bed with one of my friends.

I was angry, I got my gun out of the drawer and shot him dead.

My wife said what the fuck? You carry on like this, you ain't gonna

have any friends left.

There once was a famous fighter, anointed by the king in ancient france. After his death, all other knights swore to carry on his battle tactics, named after him in his honor, for all wars to come.

His name was Sir Render.

Parking the manhood

My wife came in the bathroom as I was getting dressed after my morning shower. I put my underwear on and pulled them up. Then I put my pants on and pulled them up and told her I had to park the old guy in the right spot.

Now my wife and I have been married for just a bit over 40 years but had...

Sophistication

Three retired colonels are chatting away over brandy and cigars at their club, and the talk turns to the subject of sophistication. One of them says "The essence of sophistication... is when you're in bed with another man's wife, and he comes through the bedroom door, and he sees what's going on, an...

When you tell a joke that's so funny that HR wants to hear it again.

Nothing to see here, carry on.

A man dies and ends up at the gates

A being shows him an elevator and explained "on the first level, you will see a woman. You can choose to get off, or continue upward"

So he goes to the first floor and sees a woman, who isn't very attractive. She says "you can choose to get off, or carry on to success"

The man continue...

A young man walks into a pub

A young man walks into a pub every Friday night, orders three pints of beer, and proceeds to drink them slowly over the course of the evening. The curious bartender says, "Why don't you order the pints one after each other? They'll surely taste better that way?"

The guy replies, "Yes, I know...

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