A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

Teacher: So what’s your sentence that contains the word contagious?

Student: our neighbour is painting a wall with 2 inch brush, my dad says it will take this contagious.

What contains the letters a,u, t, and s and is caused by vaccines?

Adults

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The average human male ejaculation contains about 15.8 terabytes of information

That's a lot of information to swallow!

The bottle of suncream I bought said "When applied properly, this bottle contains 15 uses".

It's probably more but they're just covering themselves.

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

Your spine

SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym...

For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

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A taxi driver drives a priest home. (Contains swearing)

Taxi driver: Fucking hell these roads are bad.

Priest: Don't say that, say God help us have better roads in the future.

*The taxi driver apologises and continues driving*

Taxi driver: Fucking hell that dude almost killed us with his rechless driving.

Priest: Don't say th...

Which three words contains the most letters?

The post office.

Why was the the blonde staring at the orange juice container ?

It said Concentrate

I tried to catch a bunch of fireflies last night but they escaped the container

It was ajar

What kind of plant contains every known element?

A chemis-tree.

Why Was The Baker So Depressed About Purchasing Containers That Only Fit 12 Donuts?

If you ask him he will give you 13 Reasons Why.

Lines for urinals have become an an increasing problem in containing the coronavirus.

So mind your pees in queues.

My girlfriend and I like to make containers for our herbs and spices

She didn’t like my cumin herb box though.

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The human sperm cell contains around 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25 ml and takes 5 seconds. Therefore the average bandwidth of the human penis is about 1687 TB/s

I know, I know that’s a lot of information to swallow.

A man finds a magic lamp which contains a genie...

The genie tells the man he will grant him 3 wishes but anything he asks for his ex-wife will get doubled. The man thinks a moment before saying he wanted one million dollars. The genie said it is done and your ex-wife has received two million. For his second wish he said he wanted a large home. Agai...

Can you make a sentence containing the words defense, defeat and detail?

When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail

I was recently asked to name two structures that contain water

I responded "Well, dam"

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Some people claim that cosmetics often contain small traces of manure.

I believe that's bullshit.

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Apparently Beer Contains Female Hormones:

After you drink enough.

you cannot drive:

Or shut the fuck up:

What starts with "e," ends with "e," and contains one letter?

An envelope.

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A woman had three daughters getting married the same day. Naturally she was worried about their sex life. It was agreed that they would send a discrete message.

Two weeks after the triple wedding the first message arrives. An ad for Maxwell House with the slogan "Good till the last drop." She's happy for her girl.

A month passes and a second message arrives with a Marlboro ad. "Marlboro: Extra long, extra strong." She's a little embarrassed, but happ...

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One ejaculation contains over 15000 gigs of DNA. So what does that make pornstars?

Fucking genuises

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its mea...

A mother ant and her daughter were out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One, with a sign reading *It's time to GO!,* spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, can you spare a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause...

Chinese takeout $25.00... Gas to pick it up $5.00... Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers...

Riceless

How efficient is shipping goods in a large metal container?

Semi

Which alloy contains magical properties?

Cast iron.

Do you know what a kkk omelette contains?

Only the whites.

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Three married women are having a "girls only" night out

**NOTE: I'm TRYING TO TRANSLATE THIS JOKE FROM MY LANGUAGE TO ENGLISH HOPE IT TRANSLATES WELL AND SORRY FOR BAD GRAMMAR**

They are enjoying a lovely evening talking about their lives as they usually do every week when they meet up, one of them is particularly excited and fails to hide her exc...

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If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don’t vampires suck cock?

Oh wait… Twilight

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Seven Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

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A class was asked to write a concise essay containing 4 elements : religion, royalty,sex and mystery.

The only "A+"in the class read:

"My God," said the Queen," I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it ?".

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.

I was seasoning my steak when one of my spice container lids popped open and spilled all over.

It was quite the waste of thyme

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Today, I saw a guy with two big containers of laxitive coming out of Costco.

And I though, I bet that guy is full of crap.

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The human male ejaculate contains about 1500TB of information

Thats why I masturbate before an exam. I need to free up space.

What is the official container for the state of Alabama?

Ramekin.

Lets hear it johnny

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOM...

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Whats the difference between excess and surplus

Excess is a boob you cannot contain in one hand..


Surplus is the other one..

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The teacher that fell.

A teacher is in her class. As she walks she slips and falls. 3 little boys can't contain themselves and laugh out loud.
Really angry she asks the first one. "What did you see?"
"Just calves ma'am"
"Go home for the day immediatly!"
Pointing at the second, "And you?"
"Just bum ma'am"...

A man is walking on a beach, and finds a lamp containing a genie that offers him 3 wishes, however, whatever his wish, his mother-in-law gets double of it.

The man is upset at first since he hated his mother-in-law, but decides to try it out.

"I wish for a hundred million dollars" the man told the genie.

The genie nods his head, and $100,000,000 appears before the man.

"Gtanted, but Your mother-in-law now has $200,000,000 as well" ...

~Enter new password.

- chicken.

~Password must contain at least one capital.

- chicken kiev

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe..

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempt...

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It's English class and a female teacher asks students to give her example of a sentence which contains "just in a case" in it.

The first student raises his hand and responds:

\- "There is no ongoing war, but we still keep the army, just in case"

\- "Excellent! Anybody else?" - asks the teacher.

\- "There is no fire but we still keep the fireman, just in case" - answers the other student.

Vova rai...

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A Few Very Important Lessons You Will Learn Only After You Have Kids

A "King Style" water bed contains enough water to turn a 200 Sq m apartment into a 12 cm deep lake.

The voice of a 4 year old can deafen 200 normally talking adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you tie a dog leash to a room fan, the motor of the latter is not powerful enough to lift 23...

I know why the Coronavirus will not become a serious threat and will be contained and cured

anything "Made in China" never works properly

When hiking near bears...

...you should always wear a bell around your neck and carry a can of extra strength pepper spray.

To figure out what type of bears are near your trail, you can examine their droppings.

Black bear droppings are a dark colour and may contain plant material.

Grizzly bear droppings...

A guy walks into an exotic restaurant in Spain

Waiter: "How can I help you?"

Customer: "I'm looking for the most exotic thing you have"

Waiter: "You're in luck, I'll return shortly"

Waiter leaves and returns with a bowl containing something unfamiliar to the customer.

Customer: "What's this?"

Waiter: "Every we...

My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats

"That's nuts!" I exclaimed.

A new disease in France turns people into bread.

French authorities are unable to contain the spread, and the disease begins to make its way through Europe and to the rest of the world.

It's a paindemic.

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An old man decides that he wants to see a bullfight before he dies.

Immediately upon arriving in Spain, the man makes his way to the arena, then cheers along with the crowd as he watches the matador fight the bull. For as much fun as it is, he soon realizes that the travel and the excitement have left him feeling worn out, so he decides to find a nearby restaurant b...

Uber driver came to return woman's lost purse

Woman : Thanks but..it is so weird because I remember it containing only a single 100$ note, but now there are ten 10$ notes inside it. How's that possible?

Man: Yeah because everytime I had gone to return someone's wallet or purse, they said they don't have any change to reward me.

Three guys stranded on a desert island

find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

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Dirtiest joke on The Tonight Show (SFW)

Alan King was on The Tonight Show and told Johnny Carson that he was going to tell the dirtiest joke ever told on network TV and the censors wouldn’t bleep a single word. This was many years ago, so I’ve likely changed a few minor details.

Jim was a successful stockbroker, but finally grew w...

WARNING WILL CONTAIN ENDGAME SPOILERS

If falcon is the new captain america does that mean he is going to be captain falcon

I read today that the Prime Minister of Australia receives in the mail, on average, two parcels each week that contain human excrement.

I wonder who's sending the other one?

What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?

Pulp fiction.

A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. There weren't as many violators this day as usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back--wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly t...

What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter?

an Envelope
EDIT: My deepest Canadian apologies to those who are calling this a riddle. I always took it as a cheesy joke

WARNING: This post contains multiple instances of profanity.

profanity
profanity
profanity
profanity

Sunday Sermon

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars:
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of ch...

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A man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing a genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible."

"Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says "Well... for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?"

Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed a tomb containing a mummy covered in chocolate & nuts.

Excited they believe it is the remains of the long lost Pharaoh Roche.

Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90. Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:

Riceless

Space isn’t as empty as we think. It actually contains everything in the universe.

Except a girlfriend for me apparently.

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony ...

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A man walks into a brothel...

A man walks into a brothel. He says to the madam, "Excuse me miss, what can I get with $10?" The Madam thinks for a second and says, "Well not much, but follow me". She leads the man down the hall and opens a door to room containing a mirror on the wall and a duck. "A duck!?" the man says. "Well for...

This compressed file contains a dirty joke.

Sigh *unzips*

Why don't ant-eaters get Coronavirus?

Because they contain lots of little antibodies

One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years

Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!

What do Walrus’s and Tupperware containers have in common?

They both like tight seals

Three idiots get lost in the desert......

After walking for hours, they begin to realize they are in trouble knowing they need water very soon. Fortunately for them they happen upon a crashed and deserted car, the first idiot: the radiator must have water, the second idiot the wind shield wiper container must have water, the third idiot doe...

Is there a word that contains all the vowels, including Y?

Unquestionably.

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Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I w...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

A detetive was hired for a job

he found out the murderer was a leather container for carrying documents almost immediately



it was a brief case

Why can't you use vegetable oil as gearbox lubricant?

Because it doesn't contain any trans fats.

Best Salesman of the year

At a sales conference, one of the awards went to Matthew for best salesman. He’d sold a record quantity of mouthwash. After he’d been presented with his award, he was asked for the secret of his success.

“Oh it’s simple really,” said Matthew. “I set up a mobile stall during rush-hour and give...

Got pulled over for open container

I asked the cop "if its illegal to drink a beer while you drive then why is there a bottle opener attached to every seat?"

He said: "sir, those are seat belts."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope.

The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 o...

What do you call a container that's slightly open?

Ajar.

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I'm dating a woman whose fake boobs contain water from the ocean.

She's a sea cup

A chemistry professor was taking the first class for a new batch of students who just joined the college.

So, he made all of them stand infront of a table that had a beaker with some liquid in it.

"Observation is very crucial in Chemistry.. the more you observe, the better you can learn", he said as he dipped his left index finger into the beaker containing the liquid.

After 15 seconds, he...

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Someone was telling me about her favorite kitchen utensil.She used it for everything. She would probably display it in her ceramic container which sat on the kitchen counter. For years she didn't know what it was called or what it's intended purpose was for. She bought it at a yard sale for 25cents.

She finally seen one in its original packaging.Its a pooper scooper.

My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves...

It looks like the boa cons tricked her!

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A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi.

So she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies an...

Why is it called "canning" if it's storing things in glass containers and not cans?

Because renaming it at this point would be jarring.

A man gets in a car crash and is sent to Hell.

He is greeted by Satan and three doors. “What’s in the doors?” the man asks. “Well,” Satan responds, “each door contains one of your choices for where to spend the rest of eternity.” The man looks at the doors and asks, “Can I look inside them first?” Satan nods and opens the first door. Inside is a...

Can a salmon be contained?

No, but a tuna can.

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A brash American tourist got seated next to a Chinese man in a plane.

Mid flight, the Chinese man ordered for a marmalade sandwich. The American could not contain his curiosity so he struck up a conversation with his seatmate.

"You enjoyin' that sandwich, pal?" he asked

"Yes" politely answered the Chinese man after he took a bite and made a few chews....

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Whilst on his daily walk, a man finds a dirty old whiskey bottle.

In order to see the label, he gives it a rub.

POOF, a genie pops out.

"I will grant you one wish and one wish only. The only catch is, you have only 10 seconds to make your wish" says the genie.

The man looks down at the whiskey bottle, and sees it fitting to make the following ...

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What do a horny walrus and a tupperware container have in common?

They're both looking for a tight seal.

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a statistician all walk into different rooms, each containing a bucket of water and a garbage can that is on fire.

The engineer walks into his room. He sees the fire, then sees the bucket. He immediately grabs the bucket and dumps the whole thing on the fire to put it out.

The physicist walks into his room and sees the fire and bucket. He takes out a sheet of paper and calculates exactly how much water he...

I don't know why the barista got so angry when I knocked over her container of cash and coins...

The sign said "tip jar"...

Perspective

The optimist says "The glass is half full."

The pessimist says "The glass is half empty."

The engineer says "The vessel contains twice the required space for the volume present."

A man's hand contains 27 bones.

Loneliness causes 28

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A wife who was a bit of a nag died suddenly after 25 years Of marriage. . .

On the day of the funeral the pall bearers were carrying the coffin followed by the grieving husband. They were leaving the church after the service when one of them slipped a bit knocking the coffin into the corner of a wall and jarring it rather suddenly. A moment after they did so, they began to...

The Blonde And The Farmacist

**The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on ...

Juan comes to US/Mexico border on a cycle...

...with 2 large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in those bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll see about that. Get off the bike."

The guard takes the bag and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but ...

Computer: Choose a password

Me: hi-hat


Computer: Password cannot contain symbols

A stranger gave me a really old metal box...

He said it was supposed to contain gold coins, but the lock and the hinges were so rusty which made it very hard to open. I tried a hammer and a crowbar, but the box just won't budge.

So, I'm thinking of trying to open this box with a stick of dynamite, as a last resort. I'll update you guys ...

The advantages of breast milk

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper.

The question directed: 'Give four advantages of breast milk.' What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1...

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A jew and an American are on a train together. (Sorry for a possibly incorrect or missing flair, I can't flair for some reason)

The American has lots of food. Burgers as the main course, coca cola as the drink, and Twinkies for dessert. The jew has very little food, just some dried fish.



The jew tells the American: "You should give me your burgers and other food in exchange for my fish. It contains phosphorus ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hobo is looking for food in waste containers near MIT campus...

...and suddenly sees a nude drunk young woman sleeping in one of the containers. He wakes her up and asks her:

"What is the second law of thermodynamics?"

Before falling back asleep girl looks at him with dull gaze and answers:

"T... total entropy of an isolated system can never...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Starts with an F and end with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. B...

What contains a small dog and an insect?

Repugnant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

What starts with a 'C', contains the letters U, N, and T, is hairy on the outside, and soft on the inside?

A coconut!

I'm a glass-is-half-full kind of guy

unless that glass contains urine, in which case I find it difficult to remain optimistic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My local grocery store was robbed of almost $10,000

the thieves managed to get away with two containers of lysol wipes, four bottles of hand sanitizer and a package of chicken breasts.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, she had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 2...

Ole and Lena were married for 40 years

When they first got married Ole said, "I am putting a box under da bed. You must promise never ta look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Lena never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box w...

Y’all remember when Ritz and Goldfish crackers didn’t contain trace amounts of salmonella?

Pepperidge farm remembers.

Did you hear about the wizard that can turn doors into containers?

Sometimes he got a bit obsessive, but he told others that he was trying to keep the door ajar.

Can you say a sentence containing 4 different languages?

No.

There's this guy with OCD who likes to collect containers.

Unfortunately for him, they're always ajar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny is in the car with his mother and shes driving down the highway.

A truck in front of them contains adult sex toys.

All of a sudden a large black dildo falls off the truck and hits the windscreen of the car.

"What was that mommy" says Johnny, "Oh... it was a fly" replies the mother, slightly embarrased, "Jesus!" says Jimmy, "Did you see the size of...

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An old man goes to the doctor’s office.

After complaining to him for a few minutes the doctor gives him a small container and tells him to come back tomorrow with a sample of his semen in it. On the next day the old man arrives in the office and says “I’m sorry doctor but i could not do it. First i tried with my right hand and then the le...

What is the thickest book in the world?

A Belgium joke book, it contains one joke, the rest is explanation.

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