Contain Jokes - 117 Hilarious Contain Jokes

What starts with "e," ends with "e," and contains one letter?

An envelope.

I was recently asked to name two structures that contain water

I responded "Well, dam"

SCUBA is an acronym for "Self contained underwater breathing apparatus". Tuba is also an acronym.

It stands for "terrible underwater breathing apparatus"

What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter?

an Envelope
EDIT: My deepest Canadian apologies to those who are calling this a riddle. I always took it as a cheesy joke

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

Your spine

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A single sperm contains 37.5MB of DNA

Meanwhile ejaculation is equivalent to a data transfer of roughly 1,587.5TB. Now, that's a lot of information to swallow.

I love February because it contains two of my favorite annual events

Groundhog Day, and the State of the Union Address.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a notoriously unreliable mammal for prognostication with no basis in reality. The other involves a groundhog.

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What's long, hard and bendable and contains the letters p, e, n, i, s?

Your spine

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

What document is guaranteed to only contain the truth?

Fax

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

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Choose a new password :

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password mu...

My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats

"That's nuts!" I exclaimed.

How does one handle a container of delicate cheeses?

Very Caerphilly

I called Animal Welfare today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing four kittens."

“That's terrible," she replied, "We’re they moving?”

“I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "but if they were that would explain the suitcase.”

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Did you know that the average ejaculation contains nearly 16,000 MB of data?

I don't know if I can stomach this information...

What contains the letters a,u, t, and s and is caused by vaccines?

adults

Just found an envelope containing several severed fingers in my mailbox

It was weird because we don't usually get mail on Sundays

Bloody Passwords

PASSWORD PROBLEMS:

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
...

Beer must contain Estrogen...

When I drink enough, I can't drive or shut the hell up.

Y'know, it's not surprising the wildfires in Rhodes are having difficulty being contained.

After all, you're not supposed to put water on a Greece fire.

Can you make a sentence containing the words defense, defeat and detail?

When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail

According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form contains only four lines:

1. What was your income for the year?

2. What were your expenses?

3. How much have you left?

4. Send it in.

What do you call a shipping container full of snails?

Escargo

I’ve discovered that alcohol contains female hormones

After drinking you can’t drive, you never stop talking and have to sit while peeing.

WARNING WILL CONTAIN ENDGAME SPOILERS

If falcon is the new captain america does that mean he is going to be captain falcon

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A woman finds a lamp and of course it contains a genie...

... which offers to give her only one wish as he is very much tired from his 10.000 years of imprisonment.

,,I want a million dollars!'' she screams excited.

The Genie nods. ,,It shall be as you wi-''

,,No!'' interrupts the woman. ,,Such a wish is selfish and petty. No, what I w...

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What do a horny walrus and a tupperware container have in common?

They're both looking for a tight seal.

Warning: contains spoilers

>!spoilers!<

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its mea...

I promise this joke does not contain any horse puns whatsoever...

April Foals!

I just saw a movie containing mild violence about cleaning supplies.

It was rated Squeegee-13.

Chinese takeout $25.00... Gas to pick it up $5.00... Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers...

Riceless

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Apparently Beer Contains Female Hormones:

After you drink enough.

you cannot drive:

Or shut the fuck up:

Beer contains female hormones

Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

(A) The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Estrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

(B) To test...

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

How do you receive a cremation container

You urn it

Teacher: So what’s your sentence that contains the word contagious?

Student: our neighbour is painting a wall with 2 inch brush, my dad says it will take this contagious.

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A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.

She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off.

"Do you even own a bike?" he asks.

"I do. It's parked right outside."

"Do you swear?"

"More ...

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I'm dating a woman whose fake boobs contain water from the ocean.

She's a sea cup

I saw a lady protesting at the capital grounds with a sign that read " vaccines contain aborted fetus' "

I couldn't believe it, how can she be protesting something like that I thought.

I marched right up to her and said "you think that's bad? Johnson and Johnson makes organic baby oil"

Warning: This movie may contain nudity.

Either it does or it doesn't, don't waste my time.

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A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

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Some people claim that cosmetics often contain small traces of manure.

I believe that's bullshit.

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Sorry, your password must contain..

a capital letter, 2 numbers, a symbol, an inspiring message, a spell, a gang sign, a hieroglyph and the blood of a virgin

A fire hydrant contains H20 on the inside.

And K9P on the outside.

When a landless Czar inherited a kingdom it was found to contain serfs.

He was peasantly surprised.

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

"How is that ...

Pasta joke: what sauce contains tomato, garlic, olives, capers, anchovies and a despotic lunatic?

Putinesca

Greg Abbott and Joe Biden are having a meeting when suddenly a genie appears

"OK, look, here's how it's going to go. I can only grant three wishes, so one of you will get two and the other will only get one. And since you're already men of power and means, you have to choose wishes that will serve your constituents."

Abbott immediately screams that he wants the two...

Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed a tomb containing a mummy covered in chocolate & nuts.

Excited they believe it is the remains of the long lost Pharaoh Roche.

I saw a Canadian Dollar outside of a container.

Looks like it just escaped the loonie bin.

We thought it was our ability to love that made us human,

but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.

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An elderly Man goes to the Doctor.

Man:"Doctor i need help, recebtly i got a new Girlfriend, 26 years old and im pretty much impotent can you help me?"

Doctor:"I have the right thing for you, please drop your pants."

The Man drops his Pants and the Doctor puts a syringe in his Penis, containing a blue liquid.

The...

Is Tom the cat able to pour gasoline on the ground from a container?

No, but Jerry can.

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If Democrats hoard their gas in biodegradable containers, and Republicans hoard their gas in non-biodegradable containers, then who did the people who hoard their gas in plastic bags vote for?

The Greene Party.

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for bottom deodorant.

The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman they have never sold bottom deodorant. The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter, that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.

The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing fu...

The following text might contain spoilers

Making it more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds.

Why do rivers contain a lot of money?

There are banks on both sides.

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Did you know that beer contains female hormones?

It's true. You drink too much you get fat, get emotional, talk too much, cry, and you can't drive a car.

All apologies to the fairer sex.

Why was the the blonde staring at the orange juice container ?

It said Concentrate

Got pulled over for open container

I asked the cop "if its illegal to drink a beer while you drive then why is there a bottle opener attached to every seat?"

He said: "sir, those are seat belts."

What kind of plant contains every known element?

A chemis-tree.

During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.

He's unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

- Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,

- Doesn't need heating,

But he still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

- Has great packaging.

What's the difference between a container with sand and a container with babies in it?

I can't use a pitchfork to empty the container with sand.

I read today that the Prime Minister of Australia receives in the mail, on average, two parcels each week that contain human excrement.

I wonder who's sending the other one?

Can a salmon be contained?

No, but a tuna can.

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.

WARNING: This post contains multiple instances of profanity.

profanity
profanity
profanity
profanity

Your beauty cannot be contained by the set of all real numbers.

That's because it's imaginary.

A man finds a magic lamp which contains a genie...

The genie tells the man he will grant him 3 wishes but anything he asks for his ex-wife will get doubled. The man thinks a moment before saying he wanted one million dollars. The genie said it is done and your ex-wife has received two million. For his second wish he said he wanted a large home. Agai...

This compressed file contains a dirty joke.

Sigh *unzips*

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Why does an ejaculation contain 300 million sperm cells?

Men love to exaggerate.

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One ejaculation contains over 15000 gigs of DNA. So what does that make pornstars?

Fucking genuises

What do you call an empty container of Cheese Whiz?

Cheese Was.

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Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.

The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:

NO THONGS

NO SINGLETS

NO NERDS

MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION

No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates...

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of
Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the c...

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The human male ejaculate contains about 1500TB of information

Thats why I masturbate before an exam. I need to free up space.

What does a Spanish speaking person say when you ask him what is in his container full of snails?

Es Cargo!

A man's hand contains 27 bones.

Loneliness causes 28

Why is it called "canning" if it's storing things in glass containers and not cans?

Because renaming it at this point would be jarring.

Y’all remember when Ritz and Goldfish crackers didn’t contain trace amounts of salmonella?

Pepperidge farm remembers.

You know, the people saying that GMO's contain "chemicals" aren't wrong.

You just probably shouldn't tell them the entire Earth is made of the stuff.

I tried to catch a bunch of fireflies last night but they escaped the container

It was ajar

I left my house and noticed the door wouldn't close because it kept hitting a container of strawberry jam

Guess you could say the door was held ajar

One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years

Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!

Can you say a sentence containing 4 different languages?

No.

What do you call a container that's slightly open?

Ajar.

What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?

Pulp fiction.

A new study has shown banana skins contain traces of LSD...

I guess that explains why people are always tripping on them

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Contest in a girl's college: write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.

Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it."

Is there a word that contains all the vowels, including Y?

Unquestionably.

A man is walking on a beach, and finds a lamp containing a genie that offers him 3 wishes, however, whatever his wish, his mother-in-law gets double of it.

The man is upset at first since he hated his mother-in-law, but decides to try it out.

"I wish for a hundred million dollars" the man told the genie.

The genie nods his head, and $100,000,000 appears before the man.

"Gtanted, but Your mother-in-law now has $200,000,000 as well" ...

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Have you seen a 20 dollar bill crumpled up?

While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the c...

Why Was The Baker So Depressed About Purchasing Containers That Only Fit 12 Donuts?

If you ask him he will give you 13 Reasons Why.

Game Of Thrones Joke (semi-spoiler contained within)

I don't know why Brianne was surprised Jamie left; she already knew he was a hands off kinda guy.

Lines for urinals have become an an increasing problem in containing the coronavirus.

So mind your pees in queues.

The bottle of suncream I bought said "When applied properly, this bottle contains 15 uses".

It's probably more but they're just covering themselves.

I'm making a cookie brand called NIT (new incredible taste). It will be shaped like a chocolate chip cookie and will contain a fortune on the bottom.

FortuneNIT for you.

What do Walrus’s and Tupperware containers have in common?

They both like tight seals

I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...

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Which state contains the most Jews?

Gaseous state.

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What's furry and contains cat shit?

A cat.

A woman said to her husband: "I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls. What do you think it means?"

The man smiled and said: "You'll know tonight." That evening, the man came home with a small package which he gave to his wife. She embraced him, and then slowly and unwrapped the package. It contained a book entitled, The Meaning of Dreams.

What contains a small dog and an insect?

Repugnant.

Sometimes I just drink milk straight from the container

It tastes better and the cow seems to enjoy it

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”

Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just te...

George Washington wasn't arrogant, but he did predict the $1 bill would contain his likeness.

In that regard, he was on the money.

On the bus

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the ...

What do you call a Saltine container filled with ducks?

A box of quackers

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Hobo is looking for food in waste containers near MIT campus...

...and suddenly sees a nude drunk young woman sleeping in one of the containers. He wakes her up and asks her:

"What is the second law of thermodynamics?"

Before falling back asleep girl looks at him with dull gaze and answers:

"T... total entropy of an isolated system can never...

Scientists have proven that women will, at some point in their lives, contain intelligent DNA..

Unfortunately 95% of them will spit it out

What's wrong with a joke containing Cobalt, Radon and Yttrium?

It's CoRnY

Two lorry's crashed into each other, one containing terrapins the other containing tortoises...

It was a turtle disaster.

I like my plastic containers like I like my jokes on this page

Recycled.

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A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more c...

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