Acquit Jokes

Footprints

I’d already picked out which TV I wanted…

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to he... read more

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman'... read more

He beet the rap.

... because there was no evidence of fowl-play.

Because he didn't start the fire.

No one explained to him what a hung jury meant.

The charges were too legit to acquit.

Drunken Billy was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client. Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, concluded the lawyer, you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believ... read more

He said “If you’re not Mitt, you must acquit.”

The judge proclaimed: Patrick O’Toole, there is sufficient evidence to acquit you on all charges. This court finds you innocent of all crimes related to this bank robbery.

Paddy replied: You mean I am free to go?

Judge: Yes. You are free to go.

Paddy: Does this mean I get to ke... read more

He was acquitted, but he apologized anyway.

Fearing her marriage is crumbling, a middle-aged woman visits a highly respected psychic renown for the accuracy of her predictions.

In a dark and hazy room, she tells the psychic of her fears and growing unhappiness.

The mystic peers into her crystal ball, then looks at the woman an... read more

Well, there was a party once, not far from here, which was composed of ladies and gentlemen. A fine table was set and the people were greatly enjoying themselves. Among the crowd was one of those men who had audacity — was quick-witted, cheeky, and self-possessed — never off his guard on any occasio... read more

During trial much evidence had been produced that showed the defendant to be guilty.
Upon the jury's decision the prosecutor incredulously asked the judge: "Your honor, on what basis could the jury possibly have acquitted the defendant?!"
The judge replied: "Temporary insanity".
To which... read more

Since he killed a person, the court sentences him to death by electrocution chair. For his last meal, he requests a single banana. The prison guard thought it was odd, but gave him the banana, and the man ate it. The next day, the man is strapped onto the electrocution chair and the executioner swit... read more