UPJOKE
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was acquitted even though I became really sexual aroused during the trial

I got off on a technicality.

A woman goes to a fortune teller As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to he...

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder.

Footprints

Jennifer and the Fortune teller.

During a recent outing, Jennifer snuck off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered the grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a viole...

Did you hear about the vegetable that was acquitted of murder?

He beet the rap.

So a guy kills himself the night he gets acquitted of murder.

No one explained to him what a hung jury meant.

The chicken was acquitted of murder...

... because there was no evidence of fowl-play.

Why did Billy Joel get acquitted?

Because he didn't start the fire.

Why couldn't MC Hammer's team of lawyers get him off the hook?

The charges were too legit to acquit.

Alan Dershowitz privately counselled Senate Republicans on how to handle the articles of impeachment for Donald Trump

He said “If you’re not Mitt, you must acquit.”

Paddy O’Toole stood awaiting the verdict of his trial

The judge proclaimed: Patrick O’Toole, there is sufficient evidence to acquit you on all charges. This court finds you innocent of all crimes related to this bank robbery.

Paddy replied: You mean I am free to go?

Judge: Yes. You are free to go.

Paddy: Does this mean I get to ke...

Hilary Clinton goes to a psychic. The soothsayer tells her, "Your husband will die a horrible violent death."

Hilary asks, "Will I be acquitted?"

A train driver accidentally kills a man when he drives off the tracks

Since he killed a person, the court sentences him to death by electrocution chair. For his last meal, he requests a single banana. The prison guard thought it was odd, but gave him the banana, and the man ate it. The next day, the man is strapped onto the electrocution chair and the executioner swit...

The Psychic

Fearing her marriage is crumbling, a middle-aged woman visits a highly respected psychic renown for the accuracy of her predictions.

In a dark and hazy room, she tells the psychic of her fears and growing unhappiness.

The mystic peers into her crystal ball, then looks at the woman an...

A Canadian was on trial for second-degree murder.

He was acquitted, but he apologized anyway.

A jury finds a man not-guilty in court...

During trial much evidence had been produced that showed the defendant to be guilty.
Upon the jury's decision the prosecutor incredulously asked the judge: "Your honor, on what basis could the jury possibly have acquitted the defendant?!"
The judge replied: "Temporary insanity".
To which...

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