I'm going to be releasing a book about Donald Trump's America soon, that will help sway the non-believers..

The title will be 'Everything Is Going To Be Alt-Right'

In honor of the Notre Dame fire, here is the only Notre Dame joke I know...

Notre Dame is looking for a new bell ringer, so they put out a help wanted ad in the local paper.

After a few days a man with no arms shows up and inquires about the job.

At first the priest tries to let him down politely when the man insists that they bring him up to the tower s...

A magician is working on a cruise ship...(long)

A magician is working on a cruise ship where he performs every night right after a circus act. As he amazes the audience, the animals sit on the side of the stage and watch. After months of the same show, a parrot gets bored and decides to have some fun.

At the end of each trick the parrot r...

Upstanding bulls

A herd of cows and two bulls are eating grass out in the pasture.
Suddenly, a great gust of wind comes ripping across the prairie and knocks all the cows to the ground. But, the bulls just sway in the wind and continue eating.
When the wind quiets down, the cows stand up, brush off the dirt, a...

To his great surprise, Bob won the largest lottery in history.

Unsure what to do with his newfound fortune, he decided to build the world's biggest ship. It was 10 miles long and 3 miles wide; a floating city. Once the ship was complete, Bob had to hire thousands of people to work on it and make it run properly. He held mass interviews and hired sailors, police...

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Dave walks into a bar,

goes straight for a stool, sits down, and asks for a beer. The bartender serves Dave, and the man gulps it down in seconds.
"Another," says Dave.
The bartender serves him another, and again, Dave gulps it down in seconds.
"Another," says Dave again.
The bartender serves him, but ...

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Entertainment night and my grandmas nursing home.

A couple days ago at my grandmas nursing home they had entertainment night and decided to bring out a hypnotist. He takes out is gold watch and starts to sway in back and forth "watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch." Sure enough all the seniors snap into that trans like state. All of a ...

The 3 Paddies Encounter a Genie

The 3 Paddies encounter a lamp, and the decide to buff it up a bit, as it was dust covered. While polishing, out emits a Genie.

The genie tells them that he is going to imprison them each for 10 years, the same length of time he was trapped in that lamp. But, he will allow them each to choos...

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Two men walk in to a cliff side bar.

Around 10 pm, two men with brown and black hair walk in to a cliff side bar. The men sit beside each other, start hammering down drinks, and hit it off. After much laughing and joking the black haired man gets serious. He whispers to the other,
" you know, i heard the updraft on the side of this...

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2 guys at a restaurant

2 guys are at a restaurant on the roof of a tall building.

the 1st guy says, 'I bet you a beer that I can jump off the ledge and the wind will blow me right back up to this restaurant.'

the 2nd guy says, 'you're on!' (not sure if he was kidding or not)

So the 1st guy jumps off t...

The Legionaire and the Camel

This guy joins the French Foreign Legion and gets sent to a fort way out in the desert, several miles from the nearest town. There are only men at the fort-- no women. After a few months our legionnaire becomes rather desperate for female companionship, so finally he approaches the crusty old sergea...

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Late last night I was trying to summon a demon.

After many hours in my basement drawing pentagrams, chanting voodoo and performing spiritual dance I had failed to conjure any demons from the dark depths of Hades.

Defeat was in my mind and I had no choice but to admit the ways of old no longer held any sway with the dark lord. I reluctantly...

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