UPJOKE
conveycarrycanalducttransmitrivertransmissiondirectbringpassageexpresslinelinkgutterconduct

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Yo mama so fat, they did a story on how fat she was on the channel 3 news

I switched to channel 7 and you could still see her ass in the corner of the screen

an English cat, called one, two, three, and a French cat called un, deux, trois had a race across the English channel. which cat won?

The English cat, because the Un, Deux, trois cat sank.

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Fishing channel or porn channel?

A married couple are laying in bed, flipping through channels while the decide what to watch. The husband has the remote, and he is constantly flipping through the fishing channel and the porn channel. Eventually, the wife makes the decision.

"Look, you can just leave it on the porn channel,"...

In the 80s, Britain only had three channels

BBC 1, BBC 2, and The English Channel

Dear Sir, On behalf of Channel Four may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show

Also the charming photograph you enclosed. Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that the correct title of the series is actually "Fact Hunt".

Kind regards
Channel Four.

The NFL should start showing Dallas Cowboys games on the history channel

Because their fans always love to talk about the past

What do they call discovery channel reruns?

The recovery channel.

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My wife caught me one day for watching a porn channel so i quickly turned the tv to a fishing channel. On her way out she said:

‘You should stay on the porn channel. You know how to fish!’

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There is an origami porn channel

It's paper view

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A guy checks into a a hotel...

He says to the concierge "I sure hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." The concierge replies "Nope, it's just regular porn, you freak!"

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I have a friend who grew up in the USSR.

He says they only had 2 channels on the tv. Channel 1 was just soviet propaganda, talking about how amazing stalin was, and channel 2 was a KGB agent telling you to switch the fuck back to channel 1 or else.

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An interview with an old man .

An 80 years old man had an interview with the local TV channel and they told him : old man can you tell us about a happy memory from your youth ?

Old man : one time my donkey got lost and all the village went out to search for and when we found it we were so happy we all fucked it .

J...

When you're in a relationship, you don't need a secure channel to talk to your partner.

Communication is already encrypted.

An Engineer accidentally goes to Hell instead of Heaven

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grain...

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live it...

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In a Channel 8 poll, men were asked what do they prefer, football or sex ?

Most of them responded , sex , but in halftime.

A werewolf stenographer starts a YouTube channel from his post on a U-boat:

Lychan Sub Scribe

I was watching a horror movie about the Apocalypse.

It took me 5 minutes to realise I was on the news channel.

Clown Statue

A couple with children were trying out a new babysitter. About an hour after they left for a night on the town, they realized they had forgotten to give her their cell phone number, so one of them called her.

After she wrote down the number, the babysitter asked if she could watch satellite...

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A husband and wife are watching TV

A husband and wife are watching TV at home. The husband keeps switching channels, between golf and porn. Golf to porn, golf to porn, golf to porn.
This goes on for awhile, before the wife had enough and yells
,"Jesus Christ! Just leave it on porn! You already know how to play golf!"

Priests nowadays...

...have embraced technology. The have youtube channels, twitter, facebook and instagram accounts. And they just don't exorcise anymore, they uninstall demos.

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An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the Af...

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A man tells his wife "you've been watching the food channel for years and you're still one of the worst cooks I know..."

"Honey," she replies, "for how many years you've been watching porn?"

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

Today I found a Youtube channel about moss

They told me to lichen subscribe

A Blonde wife walks into her living room and finds her blonde husband desperately looking for something.

## He's moving furniture, checking in vents, simply looking in every nook and cranny of the living room. Perplexed the wife asks him what he is searching for.

## "Hidden Cameras," the husband replies.

## "Why!?" The wife asks totally boggled.

## "Because the man on the tv knows ...

What is Mia Khalifa's favorite tv channel?

BBC News

I just started a YouTube channel about viruses.

I guess you could say I’m a real influenz-er

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Was browsing the channel guide and stumbled upon a show called POV Shorts on PBS

I had to put my dick away when I realized POV isn’t just a porn category

A Soviet citizen turns on the TV

On the first channel, Brezhnev is delivering a speech. The man switches to the second channel: Brezhnev again. Channel three: still Brezhnev. He turns to the fourth channel, and it’s showing a KGB colonel who shakes his fist and warns: "You’d better stop changing channels…"

An English cat named ABC challenges a French cat named 123 to a swim across the English Channel, from the UK to France. They both swim hard, but only the English cat makes it. What happened to the other cat?

Well, un deux trois quatre cinq.

An Englishman named "One-two-three" and a Frenchman named "Un-deux-trios" challenged each other to see whose cat could swim across the Channel first...

After a grueling competition, One-two-three won after Un-deux-trois quatre cinq.

What does going to the massage parlor and watching a Hallmark Channel movie have in common?

You always know you’re getting a happy ending.

I kept adding my input, saying that this channel wasn’t really a good one. But it didn’t work.

I then realized that my tv was bad at reading signals

What happened to Satan’s YouTube channel?

It got demon-itized

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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who swam across the English Channel?

A clever dick

I was on the phone to a woman from the babestation channel. I said "Can you hide behind the couch?" Confused, she asked "Why?"

I said "Because my wife is coming downstairs and I can't find the remote."

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Hey, this week is going to be Hitler week on the History Channel!

Just like every fucking week.

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[long] A bear and a rabbit...

<Prologue>


A bear is taking a shit in the woods one day when a rabbit comes by.

. The bear asks "hey rabbit, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?


" no" says the rabbit.

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit..


<rabbit wil...

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A family is checking in to a hotel on vacation

So the father of the family says to the hotel clerk
"I hope that all the adult channels will be disabled"

And the clerk replies
"They're all just regular adult channels you sick fuck"

Did you see the new youtube channel that's non stop footage of gorillas opening bananas?

It's super ape peeling.

There was this little girl sitting on the English side of the English Channel, bawling her eyes out. This pigeon was flying over and spotted her, so the pigeon flew down and asked what was wrong.

The little girl told the pigeon that she wanted to be a ballet dancer more than anything, but the only way she could be a ballet dancer was to get to France, being really the only place that teaches ballet.
After thinking for a moment, the pigeon told the little girl to wait and he would return.<...

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A blonde was driving her car down an Iowa highway in August

As she drove down the road, she had her radio tuned to an all talk channel. The dj on the radio was telling blonde joke after blonde joke non stop, and finally the blonde woman got angry. She turned the radio off and tore the knob off the radio and threw it out the window. A few miles later she came...

How do you know when it's time to change the channel?

*"Previously on God Friended Me..."*

What has 12 writers, 20 actors, and 3 plots?

The Hallmark Channel

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I noticed that Netflix has a comedy channel called "Netflix is a Joke"

They should make a porn channel and call it "Netflix Sucks"

What T.V. Channel will never air the sitcom Scrubs?

TLC; Because, they don’t want, no scrubs.

What’s a squirrel’s favorite channel?

Nutflix.

From my six year old who read it at the doctor office today.

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After reading about Zelensky's massive balls all over the internet Putin calls up Zelensky to prove him wrong. They decide to meet up in Ukraine to put it to a test.

"He, who ejaculates most wins!" said Putin. Zelensky agreed.

First up, it was Putin. He began stroking his tiny member and after a few seconds, out came his seeds.

"100 millilitres!!" shouted someone from the back.

"Piss off, Trump. It's just 10 millilitres" said Biden who h...

After spending a semester of my engineering degree studying the construction of the channel tunnel.

I can reveal it was dug by a huge boring machine.

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A husband and wife lay in bed watching tv together

with the remote in his hand, he continuously flicks between 2 channels. one features men fishing while the other contains a lot of sex scenes.

after watching one for about a minute, he flicks back to the other. the wife, who is now annoyed with his indecisiveness, demands that he choose one s...

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My first YouTube video!

I'm starting a YouTube channel! My first video will be a poor edit of my weird opinions on Japanese mushrooms supposedly giving you diarrhea.

"Shit takes of shit takes on Shiitake shit aches"

Why did the black hole stop uploading to his YouTube channel

He was void of ideas

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If American coffee lovers ever made a porn channel what would they name it?

No- Tea America

There's a beautiful irony in the fact the history channel is showing less and less history...As if the history

Is in the past.

If I was a Medium I'd pretend to channel Marshall McLuhan..

then just sit there silently with a smug look on my face.

Did you know that Andrew Rea's made a reaction channel?

Cringing with Babish

What would you call a North Korean news channel?

The Medium.

If you think the history channel is bad at midnight.

You should see the staff room.

You know what the scientists always say to build up resistance to distractions and channel nature

Ohmmmmmmmmmmmm

Apparently North Korea only has 3 tv channels...

Kim Jong Un, Kim Jong Deux and Kim Jong Trois

I was watching the Dyslexic news channel earlier.

Apparently North Korea are making unclear threats to the US.

Never trust people who channel their negative life experiences into creative expressions

... they're all a bunch of con artists

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Adhering to my strict religious beliefs, I asked the girl at the front desk if the porn channel in my room could be disabled.

She gave me a real dirty look and exclaimed: "We only have regular porn, you SICK FUCK!"

What do you call a long, curved potato with a monetized video channel?

A professional U-tuber.

Two friends met at the neighborhood supermarket.

When they got to the checkout one of the ladies started rummaging through her purse for her wallet, she took out a few things, including a TV remote.

“Do you always take the remote with you when you go shopping?” The other woman laughed.

“No,” the woman answered “But I asked my husband...

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A woman is watching the food channel...

Her husband says: why are you watching this? You can't even cook!
She replies: you watch porn all day long and I dont even say anything!

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Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

Whats my knee's favourite channel?

Dis-knee channel.

A blonde was attempting to swim across the English channel.

But she got tired halfway, and swam back.

Ted decided to go start a youtube channel

This youtube channel was solely for making diss tracks about famous youtubers. Unfortunately, his first one was not successful, it was incredibly bad, and so he got thousands of dislikes. Undiscouraged, Ted made a few more diss tracks and uploaded them, only to get hate messages and death threats so...

I went to make a joke on the Para-Olympic's YouTube channel

but the comments were disabled.

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead were standing on a beach

They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.

One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers j...

Expensive Perfume

So, big Moira, from Glasgow, is on a weekend trip to London.

She is in an elevator in a Harrods, when two young and beautiful women get into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

Big Moira remarks, "My, what nice aromas!"

One of the women turns, looks Moira up and down...

I’m starting a YouTube channel about my fixation with lizards and snakes. What am I going to call it?

A Reptile Dysfunction

I've been trying to get a job on The Weather Channel forever...

But turnover is low due to their low pressure system

r/jokes now has a discord channel!

Great!! Now I can see reposted jokes in real-time.

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A priest checks into a hotel and asks the girl on reception "I hope porn channel is disabled"....

The girl replies with "No. It's just the normal stuff you sick fuck".

You browse the channels all night until you catch a glimpse of what you think is a nipple among the static.

You turn back to the channel in question to occasionally hear some grunting through the snow. You figure now is the best time if ever and for 30 minutes the picture finally comes in clear enough for you to discover that you have been spanking it to Mexican Wrestling.

want to change the world?

If you want to change the world, do it while you're single. Once you're married, you can't even change the TV Channel !

A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort ...

What is Donald trumps favorite ESPN Channel?

ESPN Deportes

Weather Channel

I taped a Weather Channel logo on our living room window. It’s like having an extra TV.

when i was growing up. our tv had a bunch of channels

My favorite channel was "Broil"

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