How do you know when it's time to change the channel?

*"Previously on God Friended Me..."*

If I was a Medium I'd pretend to channel Marshall McLuhan..

then just sit there silently with a smug look on my face.

Did you see the new youtube channel that's non stop footage of gorillas opening bananas?

It's super ape peeling.

How come Chinese people don't have phone books?

They have so many Wing's and Wong's, they're afraid somebody might Wing the Wong number.

Sorry if it's a repost. I heard it on the Disney channel roughly 20 years ago. I'll never forget that one!

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An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the Af...

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A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel...

As he’s checking in, he says to the clerk, “I’m on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled.”

The clerk replies in disgust, “It’s just regular porn, you sick fuck.”

The year is 2219

A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the n...

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The man who loved fishing

A husband is fanatical about fishing.

Twice a month on the weekend, he heads out for the lake early and spends most of the day.

He does this come rain or shine.

One Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and...

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A man and his family are on a road trip...

They pull into a seedy looking motel for the night. When they go to check in, he sends his family to the room and leans over the counter and says to the attendant:
"Sir, I hope all your porn channels are disabled."

The man behind the counter looks at him disgustedly and says:

"No, t...

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Heaven or Hell?

A man died and later woke up in a large, sparse room. He looked around to see if he was in heaven or hell, but there were not many clues. The only things in the room were a TV, a sofa, and another man sitting on the sofa and watching something on the TV. He walked over, said hello, and asked "Is thi...

Did you know that Andrew Rea's made a reaction channel?

Cringing with Babish

A Blonde wife walks in to her living room and finds her blonde husband desperately looking for something.

He's moving furniture, checking in vents, simply looking in every nook and cranny of the living room. Perplexed the wife asks him what he is searching for.
"Hidden Cameras," the husband replies.
"Why!?" The wife asks totally boggled.
"Because the man on the tv knows what I'm doing. Every...

A young businessman had just started his own firm.

He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally...

How do you support a werewolf's YouTube channel?

Lycan subscribe

If you think the history channel is bad at midnight.

You should see the staff room.

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If American coffee lovers ever made a porn channel what would they name it?

No- Tea America

I bought a house boat and tried to watch the history channel on the tv

Unfortunately all I could get was current events

"Jeffrey Epstein was on a Suicide Watch. He committed suicide, they watched."

From youtube, a Jimmy Dore channel commentator.

One day, a man decides to make a town.

He walked far and wide, across treacherous land and dangerous grounds, until he found a flat dessert, with rocks pock marking the ground. He decides to settle his town here, and built his first house with some trouble, due to the rocks. He chose to cover the ground with a layer of concrete so it wou...

The origami championships will be televised and the viewer can purchase events to view.

It is on a paper view channel.

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An old half deaf husband is watching TV with the wife.They are watching the DYI network on home repair.

Every time the wife gets up he flips it to the porn channel not realizing she can hear and flips it back as she comes back to the room. This goes on for a few cycles till she comes back from the kitchen and yells at him, Oh for gods sake bob just leave it on the porn...you already know how to hang a...

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A week at the gym

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

Forever mortal frenemies

Britain and France. Forever mortal frenemies. The rivalry goes back over 1000 years. One of the biggest sticking point has always been the channel. Is it the British channel or the French? In order to show how one country was superior in the rivalry every 100 years the 2 countries would hold a cross...

A blonde in a bar

John, a young man, enters a bar at 10pm, and sit next to a cute blonde girl. The news channel is on and they are diffusing a man about to jump from a bridge.

The blonde girl goes. « You thinks he’ll jump? »

John goes. « You know what, ill bet you 50$ bucks this dude will jump ». And pu...

OC science joke

There was a young man who was fed up with all the bias in news networks everywhere and vowed to make his own set of news channels that would be void of any and all bias. As he was not a wealthy man he had to find ways cut costs in making his network. He managed to make an odd deal with all his suppl...

What’s a squirrel’s favorite channel?

Nutflix.

From my six year old who read it at the doctor office today.

What do you call a long, curved potato with a monetized video channel?

A professional U-tuber.

Today in American News

Today in American News:

Red Channel- Black Holes don't exist and any images of them are a government conspiracy and a liberal coup.

Blue Channel- Black Holes exist, they were created by the Russians, they will kill everyone on the planet in 12 years and anyone who disagrees is racist...

A teacher asks her student where the English Channel is located.

“I’m not sure,” the student answers, “we switched cable companies last month.”

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An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a porn channel and a fishing channel. The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For God's Sake, Dave. leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

There was this little girl sitting on the English side of the English Channel, bawling her eyes out. This pigeon was flying over and spotted her, so the pigeon flew down and asked what was wrong.

The little girl told the pigeon that she wanted to be a ballet dancer more than anything, but the only way she could be a ballet dancer was to get to France, being really the only place that teaches ballet.
After thinking for a moment, the pigeon told the little girl to wait and he would return.<...

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the...

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

You browse the channels all night until you catch a glimpse of what you think is a nipple among the static.

You turn back to the channel in question to occasionally hear some grunting through the snow. You figure now is the best time if ever and for 30 minutes the picture finally comes in clear enough for you to discover that you have been spanking it to Mexican Wrestling.

2 cats were racing across the English channel

An english cat named onetwothree, and a french cat name undeuxtrois.

Which cat won?

123 cat won because undeuxtroix quatre cinq

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A well known TV Evangelists is booking into a posh hotel.

He tells the duty manager, "I hope the porn channel is set to disabled."

The manager looks at him and replies, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard!"

And then the fight started....

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

The Parish Fast Food Shop

One day, the local parish decided to open a fast food restaurant, so they can make some more money on the side as church attendance was dropping. Being the smart people that they were, they divided themselves so each person does one job.

The fast food restaurant was doing quite well, and the...

I was a rather optimistic child

I used to think CCTV was a very, very positive Spanish television channel

If you want to change the world, do it while you're single

Once you're married you can't even change the TV channel

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It’s all in the breasts

So these three young women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, are in a race to see who can swim the breaststroke fastest all the way across the English Channel.

12 hours and 30 minutes after the start of the race the brunette arrives on the far side and is pronounced the winner. 1 hour la...

What would you call a North Korean news channel?

The Medium.

I’m starting a YouTube channel about my fixation with lizards and snakes. What am I going to call it?

A Reptile Dysfunction

Ted decided to go start a youtube channel

This youtube channel was solely for making diss tracks about famous youtubers. Unfortunately, his first one was not successful, it was incredibly bad, and so he got thousands of dislikes. Undiscouraged, Ted made a few more diss tracks and uploaded them, only to get hate messages and death threats so...

A Dutchman, a Frenchman and a Belgian are at the channel...

The Frenchman says: "You see that there? That's the channel. The first person to swim across to Britain gets a crate of beer."
The Dutchman and the Belgian agree, and decide to use small radios to keep communication going.
They all set up on the coast, and start the race.

The Dutchman ...

Whats my knee's favourite channel?

Dis-knee channel.

I woke up and watched the Religion channel for a change...

And there was a man shouting at me on the tv. "YOU MAY NOT HAVE KNOWN THIS, BUT YOU HAVE ALREADY SINNED TODAY!". "But I just woke up, I'm still in bed", I thought. I rolled over and asked my sister if I had sinned today.

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What TV station is the biggest dick of a channel?

The BBC

In Soviet Russia there are only two Tv channels.

Channel one is propaganda. Channel two is KGB agent telling you to go back to channel one.

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Paying for porn

## This was just posted in /r/news - "Woman, 69, shot dead husband after seeing porn channel on TV bill, trial hears" what is this world coming to, I mean who pays for porn?

What is Donald trumps favorite ESPN Channel?

ESPN Deportes

If you turn on disney channel then you're supporting kids' TV...

...but if Disney channel turns you on. then you need help.

when i was growing up. our tv had a bunch of channels

My favorite channel was "Broil"

Wife Missing?

The first thing a grieving husband should do is CALL THE COPS!

Husband: "My wife of 15 years is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!"
Sheriff: "Height?"
Husband: "I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
Sheriff: "Weight?"
Husband: "Don't kn...

I can never find a good channel where people boil eggs

They're always scrambled

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My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn

In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.
As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel.. you know how to fish."

New Series For The The History Channel

The History Channel is planning a new series, “Airline Tragedies.”

They are putting the pilot together as I write this.

Local sausage restaurant starts a YouTube channel...

Links in the description.

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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, who can swim the English Channel?

Clever Dick.

I was watching the Dyslexic news channel earlier.

Apparently North Korea are making unclear threats to the US.

A ship carrying blue paint has collided with a ship carrying red paint in the English Channel.

32 sailors have been marooned

What's the most popular sports channel in Mexico?

ESPÑOL

Investigating Hillary Clinton is like fishing on Discovery Channel

... you catch them, you show them, and you let them go.

Weather Channel

I taped a Weather Channel logo on our living room window. It’s like having an extra TV.

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Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy.

But he really saved the History channel.

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Adhering to my strict religious beliefs, I asked the girl at the front desk if the porn channel in my room could be disabled.

She gave me a real dirty look and exclaimed: "We only have regular porn, you SICK FUCK!"

A blonde was attempting to swim across the English channel.

But she got tired halfway, and swam back.

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A woman is watching the food channel...

Her husband says: why are you watching this? You can't even cook!
She replies: you watch porn all day long and I dont even say anything!

This new fish cooking channel sounds kinda dirty.

Especially, the Filet Show.

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A priest checks into a hotel and asks the girl on reception "I hope porn channel is disabled"....

The girl replies with "No. It's just the normal stuff you sick fuck".

Did you know the host of the Discovery Channel's show Dirty Jobs has 2 degrees?

In Mike Rowe Economics and Mike Rowe Biology.

Did you know, If you get everyone in the UK to lie head to toe in a line across the English channel...

...They would probably drown

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