UPJOKE
teawinecoffeemilkbeeralcoholdrinkliquorsoft drinksugarfruit juicedrinkableliquidpotablevodka

What's a martial artist's favorite beverage?

Kara-Tea!

A while ago I did a #trashtag cleanup of all the beverage containers in the local partying spot near an old stream in the hills, and just revisited it.

It looks so much better now that it doesn't even look real.

There's something that's almost artificial about it, it's so pristine.

It just looked a little... off, and it was hard to figure out what was wrong.

Eventually I realized why.

It was the uncanny valley effect.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
...

What is the number one exported alcoholic beverage of the Caymen Islands?

Caymen Cider. I hear it's pretty filling.

a german bar opened in our neighborhood

i'm a curious guy so i get in

i ask the bartender: "can i get a glass of punch?"

he says: "sir, we are german, we are efficient and practical, there's a line for each beverage"

i look over and what do you know, i see a queue for each drink!

there's a long line just for wh...

I found the secret formula for a very well known beverage

Carbon, Oxygen, Calcium, Cobalt, Lanthanum

What do you call a scientist who splits atoms to create bubbly beverages?

A nuclear fizzicist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I stole a Japanese alcoholic beverage from Pennywise.

When police asked me why I did it I couldn’t give them a reason - I just did it for the sake of it.

What is an OSHA Official’s favorite beverage?

Safe Tea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a homosexual person's favorite hot beverage?

LGB-Tea

In college, I plan to study Food Science, specializing in carbonated beverages.

My dad always wanted me to become a fizzicist.

I had gotten a coupon for 50% off an Arizona Ice Tea yesterday.

After I bought the can an opened it, I suddenly heard a bunch of beats and rap music coming out of the can. I was really confused at why my beverage was playing rap music at me, but then I realized why.

I had gotten 50 cent Ice T.

What’s a horses favorite alcoholic beverage?

Chardoneigh

The beverage factory

Steve just got a job at the beverage factory and is getting a tour from the manager on his first day. The manager spends this time explaining the different assembly lines.

"Over here," the manager says, "is the lemonade assembly line. we take the product, package it up and prepare it to ship....

What's a Canadians favourite alcoholic beverage?

A mi-moose-a!

TIL of Private First Class, Francis Lipton— an American soldier in the Revolutionary war– who invented a delicious new beverage while fighting at Valley Forge.

It was the first known casual tea of
War.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

The bar tender pours him a glass, when suddenly his drink starts talking to him.

“Go back to your family you filthy alcoholic.” the drink shouts.

The man stares. Stunned, he asks “You can talk?!”

“Yeah I can talk!” The drink says “Take it you’re a bright one.”
“I beg your...

A programer walks into a bar

He orders 0 beers and the bartender says that he must order a positive number
He then orders -10 beers and the bartender says the same
He then orders 1000000 beers and the bartender says he must order a realistic amount of beers
The programmer then orders a toilet, and the bartender says th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Dies And Goes To Hell

He begins to cry.


Devil: why are you crying?


Man: I've been damned for all eternity.


Devil: oh it's not that bad, we spend our days living out life's sins. Do you like smoking?


Man: I love smoking.


Devil: well every Monday we smoke all sorts of ...

Why did the alcoholic beverage stab the woman?

Tequila

The beverage company Nage decided to do something new.

In the tiny village of Mars, Kansas, a new themepark opened on the outskirts of town. Touted as the future of entertainment, the beverage company "Nage" decided to take all their leftover & recycled parts of their product, and turn them into hardened plastic materials to construct their attracti...

What does Batman put in his beverages?

Just ice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde and a brunette are taking a break

The brunette pulls out a thermos and starts to sip coffee while eating her lunch. The blonde asks what's up with the funny looking flask. "It's a thermos flask, it keeps hot beverages hot, and cold beverages cold!" the blonde is enthused, and decides right away to get one herself.

The next d...

What's an estate agents favourite hot beverage?

Proper tea

I have one alcoholic beverage and they call me an alcoholic

But when I have a Fanta, no one calls me fantastic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 1985 Viagra began marketing it's own soda beverage

They called it Mount and Do.

Further more in 1986 the FDA decided it could no longer be called a *soft* drink.
Instead they labeled it a cock tail.

Describe your college life using the name of a beverage?

Mountain Dew.

What was Bruce Lee's beverage of choice?

WAH-TAH!

A new carbonated beverage mimics the sounds of a human voice when you pour it out of the bottle.

or out of the can, soda speak.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was an asshole with the bartender before asking an iced coca cola from him; but he gave me a glass of ice without my beverage.

Just ice served.

How many beverages does Saitama consume at a party?

One Punch, man

Bleach is my favourite beverage

When people question me, I tell them to try it before they knock it. Never heard a complaint from them afterwards

What beverage do girls on Tinder drink during the winter?

Thot chocolate.

What’s Darth Maul’s favourite alcoholic beverage?

*Qui-Gon* Gin

I used to randomly steal beverages off people...

In the end, it just wasn't my cup of tea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My pastor just started a new line of alcoholic beverages.

It's called Jesus Jews.

A marsupial fixed me an aromatic beverage, by pouring hot water over cured leaves and it was absolutely delightful! I asked how it was possible to make something so awesome at this level and he responded...

"It’s koala tea."

What do hot beverage warnings say in German?

Ouch! Tongue!

What do you call a caffeinated beverage that lasts forever?

Infini-tea.

Name Thanos's "go-to" beverage.

The Snapple

What is the most helpful beverage?

lemon-aid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What was Hitler's favorite beverage?

Milk. Hitler hated all the Juice.

Sierra appears on a trivia game show. Her first question is about carbonated beverages. Sierra knows nothing about carbonated beverages.

Needless to say, Sierra Mist that question.

I've protected my laptop by placing several alcoholic fruity beverages on top of it.

I guess I misunderstood when people told me to focus on cider security.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A robber enters a liqour store holding a gun in his hand

He points his gun to the seller and yells: "quick, fill this bag with the money from the cash register and the most expensive beverages you have".

Seller: "sorry. I can't do that. You doesn't seem 21".

Robber: "the fuck??! Do you want to die old man?? Do exactly as I say!!".

Se...

What's Queen Jocasta's favorite juice-based beverage?

Sonny D

What's a kkk members favorite beverage?

White power aid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Banana walks into a bar

He sits down and orders an alcoholic beverage. The bartender brings the banana his beverage and the banana begins to drink the beverage. Then a beautiful cucumber enters the bar and sits by the banana. The banana is quite taken by the cucumber. He asks if she’d like to go with him to the bathroom fo...

What is an average redditor’s favourite starbucks beverage?

Double depresso

The White House bar and restaurant, upon Trump's arrival, will reduce their beverage selections to just two choices:

You can get a White Russian or an Orange Julius.

What is a ninja's favorite beverage?

WA-TAHHHHH!

What did Luke, the warm beverage, do in the fridge?

He chilled

A buddy of mine isn't sure whether he believes in creamy holiday beverages or not.

He's eggnogstic.

I peed on the floor in front of the beverages at a party

Now there's no punchline.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the most consumed beverage by Syrians?

Saltwater.

TIL Betsy Devos's favorite beverage

Pierrer and seltzer water.

What beverage does Bruce Lee like to drink?

WAA-TAA!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The estate of Charles Dickens is too make alcoholic beverages from the apples on their land

The slogan is "All the girls love a Dickens Cider"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pfizer & Pepsi to Merge

The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Freud, Darwin and the Pope walked into a bar.

Sitting on the counter is a weird, creepy statue. As they walk in, it's eyes seem to follow them.
They approach the bar, and to their shock the statue speaks. "Enjoy your beverages, mortals."

The three are stunned for a moment.
Darwin recovers first.
"This obviously is a product of ...

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

Why should people under 18 never drink soda?

Because they're A-rated beverages

(Aerated)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.   

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.   

After careful consideration by a team of...

Red Skeleton’s Recipe for the Perfect Marriage

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I...

1.What is Bruce Lee's favorite beverage?

WATAAAH!

2.What is Bruce Lee's favorite hamburger?
WHOPPAH!

3.Which hotel does Bruce Lee stay overnight?
HYAAAAATT!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is wandering around deep in the forest when he comes upon a strange looking pub...

The man walks inside and is immediately greeted by the barkeep.

"What can I get you?" he asks.

"I'll just have a beer," the man replies.

"We're all out of beer," the barkeep says. "However, I do have another drink I can offer you... the Elixir of the Forest Elves!"

"What'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my friend brought me to an amusement park...

...and we got onto one of the rides. It was one of those really whirly ones, and afterward we got off and I wanted to throw up. My friend got me a bag to throw up in.

After that, I started feeling dizzy. I told him, and he thought it may have been dehydration. We went to get drinks.

T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman walks into an American restaurant during the era of prohibition

He asks the waiter "give me a glass of stout to see how it compares to Guinness back home."
The waiter replies "I apologize but alcoholic beverages are illegal in this country, might I offer you a glass of water?"

The Irishman, having heard that this restaurant has a speakeasy in the back ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It took 5 years to "get" this joke.

It's 1983 in the Midwest.
It's 6th grade and I hear the following joke.

A man takes his seat on a TWA flight when he sees the hottest, sexiest stewardess approach him with a wink and a smile.

She says "Sir, would you like some of our famous TWA coffee this morning?"

He said ...

Three men are looking for somewhere to have a drink.

There are three beverage stands. The lemonade stand, the iced tea stand, and the fruit punch stand. As it’s a hot summer day, the men agree to quench their thirst and decide which stand to go to.

The first man says to the other two, “Because I’m thirsty and behind on my citrus intake, I’ll be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar...

... and is almost inclined to leave again, since the place appears to be way beyond his budget. The in design is spot on and as fancy as can be, in the corner there is a little person playing the piano perfectly and every liquor, beer or other beverage you could name are all on offer. Also there are...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Soda Called Sup

Back in the 80's, the Coca-Cola company sold Sup, a combination of Sprite, 7 Up, and a secret ingredient that was never revealed. It was a beloved beverage that was unfortunately discontinued within a couple months and without any intention of going back on store shelves. People started buying Sup l...

Customary tipping rules

For food and beverage service individuals, it’s customary to tip 18% of the bill.

For valet drivers, a fiver.

For singers, a tenor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Japanese, Brit and Indian

A Japanese, a brit and an Indian were traveling by a private jet with their personal belongings. Due to low fuel they were asked to throw off some of their belongings mid air to reduce the weight. They all agreed to discard items which were in abundance in their country.

The Japanese threw h...

A King is thirsty

During a royal party, the king finds himself parched.

Rather than ask one of his many servants for a beverage, he thinks back to his more humble years, when he would fetch things for himself.

The king decides he will get up and get the drink himself.
As he approaches the concessions...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man walks into a biker bar andvorders a beer

While supping on his beverage, he asks the barmaid if she would like to hear a blonde joke.

The barmaid, in a rather gruff tone says
"Listen here sir, because of your disability, i will warn you now, im 6'2", weigh 300 LBS and lift weights in my free time. Im also blonde, the young ...

*In the ER* "We're losing him, anyone have any ideas?"

"How about 50 cc's of a cool refreshing beverage?"

"Dammit Dr. Pepper not now!"

I was at my school disco..

Walking across the hall to get a drink. One of my classmates came up to me and said ‘dude, your shoes are on smoking hot!’

I gave them a smile and kept walking to get a drink. Another classmate then approached me and said ‘hey bro, you’re on fire tonight!’

I gave them a wink and some ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Bar Challenge

A man walks into a bar....

Upon sitting down, he notices a sizeable jar behind the bar, full to the brim with $50 notes.

He says to the barmaid: “What’s with all the cash in the jar?”

The barmaid replies: “It’s for our bar challenge, which consists of three different tasks”. Y...

The Submarine Party

To boost morale, a submarine captain decides to hold a party for the seamen while underwater. Given the tight space, they setup various areas throughout the boat to serve the crew. Despite the long lines at each area, the party is going well, with everyone happily eating and drinking.

About m...

A square and a rectangle walk into a bar.

They both sit down, order a beer, and wait for the bartender to prepare their drinks.


They each take a sip; it's nice and cold. There's an abundance of bubbles in and on the beverage; perfect.


The square looks over next to him; the rectangle is looking down at his nearly empty ...

A heartbroken guy walks into his bar and orders a strong drink.

"You theem pretty upthet", the barman says, with a strong lisp, "I'm a good lithener if you wanna talk about it?"

The man swigs his beverage and tells the barman about how his wife has fallen out of love with him. He explains that he's decided to give her some room in hope that the time apar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Guy walks into a bar

Guy walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer from the bartender.

As he is sipping his beverage, he looks down and sees a gorilla sitting at the other end.

He asks the bartender, "What's with the gorilla?"

The bartender says, "Oh, that's Mable. She does a trick. Want to see it?"...

Brian wanted to be a miner ever since he was little

So one day when he hit that magical age of 21 he packed up all of his things and left his parents house. Too the grievance of his mother he moved a few states over. To a little mining village that like in the old days completely depended on their local gold mine. For some reason unlike all the other...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A chicken walks into a bar..

..and orders five flagons of mead. After the fourth alcoholic beverage, the bartender asks him..

  

"Hey buddy why the long fac..oh wait not a horse lol."

  

The chicken gulps down his fifth drink and laments.

  

"You see, that ott...

Why do people talk louder when they drink?

Because alcoholic beverages are measured in volume.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.