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In an alcohol factory the regular tester died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,”It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.” “...

What do you call it when your friends offer you weed but refuse to share their alcohol?

being left high and dry

What do you call a fat alcoholic?

A heavy drinker

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To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a construction worker and an alcoholic

Fuck you that just was a lucky guess

Why was the alcoholic mathematician arrested by the police?

Drinking and deriving

If i drink alcohol im an acholoic

if i drink fanta im fantastic

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

What Is An Alcoholic?

Child: Mum! What is an alcoholic?

Mum: Well, you see the two birds over there. An alcoholic would see four.

Child: Mummy, there is only one bird over there.

My dad was an alcoholic who wanted to be a lawyer.

But he could never pass the bar.

I heard that alcoholism is a big problem in the ghost community…

They are all really into boos

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I have invented a new method for distilling alcohol in your rectum.

It's a little unconventional butt still, it works!

Alcohol.

Alcohol is not in my "Vodkabulary."

However, I looked it up on "Whiskeypedia."

And learned if you drink too much of it,

it's likely "Tequilya."

A priest, an alcoholic, and an engineer are sentenced to death.

They are to be killed by the guillotine.

First is the priest. The executioner says "You can go on the guillotine either face up or face down". The priest says "I want to die face up, looking up to the heavens". So the priest lies face up. The executioner releases the blade; the blade falls ra...

I come from a long line of alcoholics.

My gene pool has a swim up bar.

Did you know alcohol in Ireland is better than in Scotland?

Its Dublin size!

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If you only had one beer, you’re not an alcoholic. If you make one song on SoundCloud, you’re not a rapper.

But I have sex with one guy and now I’m gay?

I’m not an alcoholic. I only drink on two days out of the year.

My birthday and not my birthday

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

What's the difference between alcohol and weed?

Five drunk guys will start a fight. Five stoned guys will start a band.

Alcohol can cause memory loss.

But, it can also cause memory loss.

I recently discovered that 1 in 8 Americans is an alcoholic

I also discovered that 1 in 8 Americans actually suffers from the effects of alcoholism; the rest seem to have a pretty good time

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I’m at the bar right now (getting food I’m not an alcoholic I promise) and…

There’s these two guys are arguing and one asked “Jerry, howcome you got so many grandkids and I don’t?”

And he answers, “I taught my kids how to multiply”

I fuckin’ lost it

Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic.

AAA: This is AAA, not AA.

Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.

Doctor told my wife that she cannot touch anything alcoholic for the next three months.

Now I’m not allowed to go near her...

Scientists have developed a new alcohol so addictive you can’t live without it. It’s name?

Oxy-Gin.

Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?

He drank himself into an earl grey

I can quit alcohol at any point I want...

I've already done 3 times before!

What do you call an alcoholic Doctor Who monster?

A Ciderman

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The difference between a non drinker, a social drinker, and an alcoholic...

The bartender hands a drink to the non-drinker... the non-drinker hands it back and says "uh, there's a fly in it".

The bar tender hands a drink to to the social drinker... the social drinker notices a fly in it, picks the fly out and then proceeds drink it.

The bartender hands a drin...

Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sister...

It tastes the same, but it just isn't right.

Alcohol and calculus don’t mix.

Don’t drink and derive.

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

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Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.

While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
...

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Why do so many recovering alcoholics dine at Japanese restaurants?

Best place to get Soba.

Why cats can't hold alcohol?

Because they have paws.

I'm allergic to Alcohol...

Makes me break out in handcuffs.

What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?

Neither one can resist the urge to “crack open a cold one”.

A math student invented a new method of making liquor, using electromagnetics to distill alcohol.

Proof by induction.

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine. the doctor tries to persuade them

the extrovert denies

" you won't be able to go to public gatherings anymore"

the extrovert agrees to take it



the alcoholic denies

"you will ha...

Do alcoholics run in your family?

No, they usually drive.

What’s the most dangerous type of alcohol?

Scotch.

It’s very whiskey.

A circus ringleader and his wife were living with their main act, an alcoholic chimpanzee

The chimpanzee would always do the same thing every day: find the liquor cabinet, drink a few bottles, screech and destroy things for a few hours, and then pass out in a random spot for the rest of the day.

The wife could not stand the chimp, but the ringmaster did not have enough money to f...

What happens when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila Mockingbird

How do you describe your jewish friend who makes alcohol?

He Brew

LPT: If you get ink stains on a fancy shirt, then Alcohol is your best friend!

Ive learned that alcohol is the best way of dealing with ink stains. When I accidentally left my pens in the pockets of my new shirt during the first wash, they came out with huge blotches of ink all over.


However, after half a bottle of tequila, i couldn't see the stains anymore.
<...

What's the difference between God and alcohol?

Proof.

If you thought alcohol was bad for your short term memory...

...just imagine what alcohol will do!

What is comparable to drinking a non alcoholic beer ?

Going down on your sister, it tastes the same but you know it's wrong.

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A Guy goes to the bar in the 100th floor

He orders a Beer, exes it and goes to the balcony and jumps off. A guy sitting in the bar sees this and wants to call 911 but the Guys comes out of the elevator. The guy is a bit confused but doesn't say anything. The other orders another beer, exes it and goes to the balcony and jumps off.

H...

Since quitting alcohol, my car has seen much fewer accidents.

Now I just need to encourage it to stop smoking.

Alcohol doesn't solve problems

But neither does juice

If drinking too much alcohol makes me an alcoholic

Does drinking too much Fanta make me fantastic?

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Some of my friends told me, I have an alcohol issue, but that's bullshit.

The problem doesn't come until there is no alcohol.

What’s the difference between an alcoholic and a stoner?

The alcoholic will run the stop sign. The stoner will wait for it to turn green.

Why do people with problems drink alcohol?

It's a solution

Why do parents hate alcoholic children?

All they do is wine

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Do alcoholics run in your family?

No but they stumble around and break shit.

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big...

What do you call a town where no one drinks alcohol?

Jake Paul.

Since its got no bars.

Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms

It sounds more like the concept for an awesome store rather than a government agency.

Being the son of an alcoholic genie was pretty tough

He spent most of my childhood in the bottle

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An alcoholic, a farmer, and a prostitute are on death row

When it was time for their last meal, the alcoholic chose beer. The farmer chose fresh milk. The prostitute got a last minute pardon.

What did the alcoholic do after he couldn’t afford the electric bill?

He took a shot in the dark!

I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January.

Edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of January.

Is alcoholism a disease?

I don't know, but it's certainly an ale-ment!

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he spots a Preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the Preacher...

The Preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, ' Hicc..yes, I am.'

So the Preacher grabs...

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A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

Did you hear about the nun who was an alcoholic?

Last I heard, she was trying to kick the habit.

Marriage counselor: What’s the problem? Me: My wife needs help. Every night, she’s roaming from one bar to another. She has to stop it. Marriage counselor: Is she an alcoholic?

Me: No, she’s looking for me

What’s an alcoholic’s favourite thing about the night sky?

The moonshine

After years of drinking, I can say that alcohol cures obesity and bad looks

Not in me, but in people I look at

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A man smelling of alcohol and weed sat next to a priest on a bus.

The man’s clothes were ragged and dirty, there was pink lipstick on his collar, and an almost empty bottle of rum stuck out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

A few minutes later he turned to the priest and said, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthr...

A horse goes into a bar and orders a pint.

The bartender says, "You know, you're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse says, "I don't think I am..." and promptly vanishes from existence.

See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy, "I think, therefore I am."

But ...

Alcohol Addiction

My anxiety has been in overdrive since the start of the Pandemic. I feel like I need more and more alcohol everyday.

I am going through at least a liter of the hard stuff everyday.
I start using as soon as I wake up and don't stop until I go to bed each night.

My Dr. says I need t...

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I stole a Japanese alcoholic beverage from Pennywise.

When police asked me why I did it I couldn’t give them a reason - I just did it for the sake of it.

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What's the similarity between an alcohol-free beer and your sisters pussy?

When you taste it, it tastes ok. But there's something wrong with it

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There was an alcoholic man in a village

So he seeked help from the village's only doctor.
-"Tell me about your problem", said the doc.
-"I just can't stop drinking and nothing can help me, I am an alcoholic", said helplessly the man.
- "I will fix that!", said the doc and started fucking the alcoholic in the ass.
After it was ...

When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

A nun stood outside a tavern, scolding patrons as they entered about the evils of alcohol...

One gent stops to discuss the matter:

“See here, Sister- it’s really not fair for you to stand there and scold people on a subject on which you yourself have no experience. I mean- have you ever even tried alcohol? Even once?”

“Most certainly not!” the nun says, blushing.

“We...

Did you hear about the alcoholic transvestite?

He just wanted to eat, drink and be Mary.

Why are all ghosts considered alcoholics?

Because they bring Boos everywhere they go!

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A drunkard was zigzagging his way through the streets at 4AM. Two policemen in a car decided to approach him...

One cop asked "where are you going at this time of night?"

"I'm going to a lecture"

"A lecture?! At this time of night? What about?!"

"About the effects of alcohol and drugs on the human body. The damages caused by living a reckless life. The degradation that free love and sex ...

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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his member.

He tells the bartender to give him a shot of his strongest rum in a dirty glass. The pirate drinks it and breaks the glass against the wall.

The bartender knows to keep his distance from the angry pirate, until he calls him over and demands another shot of rum in a dirty glass. The pirate thr...

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze...

...when Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentences dow...

Why was it the Russians that made alcohol out of potatoes instead of the Irish?

Because we'll make alcohol out of anything, except our potatoes. Our potatoes are sacred.

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A woman goes to an AA meeting, introduces herself, "I've been through three relationships now and I just can't handle it anymore. My pussy is killing me." Someone interrupts and says, "I'm sorry, what does this have to do with your problem with alcohol?"

"What problem with alcohol? I just can't seem to give up the hard lickers!"

They say the more you drink, the higher is your tolerance.

Not true. My grandpa is an alcoholic, yet extremely racist.

I don't drink alcohol anymore

But I don't drink alcohol any less either

What do you call blessed alcohol?

The holy spirit.

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Teacher decides to illustrate how damaging cigarettes and alcohol are

by doing a demonstration in class. First he puts a live worm in alcohol and worm, after squirming a lot, dies as expected. Then he places another live worm into a jar, blows some cigarette smoke inside before closing it. As expected, worm dies after a few minutes. With demonstration finished, he ask...

Drink like a man or...

An alcoholic in serious health condition finally goes to see a doctor:

\- "Are you drinking like a man, or like cattle?"
\- "Geez doctor, of course like a man!"
\- "That's the problem! Cattle know when to stop."

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A therapy support group session.

A psychiatrist was conducting a therapy support group session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he stated.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

"He turned to the second mother and s...

I’m not an alcoholic. I only drink when I’m home alone...

I’m just an anti-social drinker

What do you tell an annoying alcoholic?

Stop whining.

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The government has decided to ban all alcohol adverts on pornography websites

When asked, an official commented:

'We made this decision for the wellbeing of the kids who watch it'

A police officer pulled me over.

"Hello, there!" I said.

He said, "Sir, I'm almost certain I can smell alcohol on your breath. About 95%"

I said, "Correction, whiskey is about 40%"

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[At the therapist] Man: Doc, I think I have finally overcome my weird fear that I’m being constantly chased by alcohol bottles.

Doctor: That’s the spirit!

Man: Holy shit! Where?

I am so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol.

The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the taxi.

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Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

How do you call an alcoholic that doesnt admit the addiction?

Jack Denials

Did you hear about the alcoholic medium?

He made all the spirits disappear.

What's a Canadians favourite alcoholic beverage?

A mi-moose-a!

The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

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Dusty Hill Blinked his eye open.

His head felt fuzzy. His eyes sticky. Dusty Hill Blinked his eyes open. "Wake up Dusty" said a familiar voice. His eyes focused, his brain whirled. It couldn't be who it seemed to be. Jimi mother fucking hendrix?

.

"Wake up Dusty. It's showtime!" Said the coolest voice ev...

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies.

*poof*

The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”.

But to explain that joke b...

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died. "All right, son." asked the father, "what does that show you?"

"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

What it the lifespan of an alcoholic?

It depends on the liver.

I think I might be an alcoholic.

Everytime I get happy I just get this sudden urge to take ibuprofen and chug water.

Alcohol's cool and all but have you ever had someone care about you?

Me either pass the bottle

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I had to have a drug/alcohol evaluation today...

The therapist said my alcohol was pretty good but my drugs were terrible.

I once new a woman who actually served alcohol when she lived in a convent.

She was the best bar nun.

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3 people die and end up in hell...

The first was an alcoholic, the second was a womanizer, the 3rd was a pothead.

Satan spoke: "Your punishment for squandering your lives on addiction is simple. What you valued the most in your life will be provided to you in infinite supply, however, you will remain with only your vice in a l...

I bought a two weeks supply of Alcohol for the quarantine.

For the second time this week.

I used to be a high functioning alcoholic.

Then I gave up weed.

My friend said I am what I eat

But he didn’t say I am what I drink so I’m not an alcoholic.

Have you ever tried drinking so much alcohol, your wife makes sense?

Me neither, but I keep trying...

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