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Alcohol Jokes

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

Cracking open a cold one.

I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January.

Edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of January.

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In an alcohol factory the regular tester died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,”It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.” “...

A Serb, a Croat and a Bosniak are arrested in Iran for drinking alcohol.

The court sentences them to 10 whip lashes each, but everyone is allowed to make a special request beforehand.

First up is the Serb. "I request a pillow strapped on my back!" he says. After 2 lashes it rips apart and his back gets completely torn open.

Second up is the Croat. "I reques...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

"Hi my name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic." "Sir, this is Triple A, not AA."

"I know, I’m trying to explain why my car is in the lake."

What does necrophilia and alcoholism have in common?

The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.

The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

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A man is about to walk into a bar, when a num holding a sign that reads "alcohol is evil" stops him.

The nun tells him about the evils of alcohol, "alcohol is evil! Alcohol is the devils tool!

Then, the nun says something that really effected the man. "What would your parents think!" The man explains how both his parents have passed away, and how he's not sure what they would think.

T...

a child asks his father what an alcoholic is

the dad replies, "see those 4 cars? an alcoholic would see 8"

the child says, "but dad, there are 2 cars over there"

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a chain smoker go to a hypnotist.

The hypnotist tells all three that while under hypnosis, if they ever indulge in their vices again, they will die immediately after.

On the way back from the hypnotist, the three men are walking by a bar. The alcoholic can't help himself. He says, "Fuck it. That guy was full of shit. There's ...

A mother was teaching his child about the side-effects of alcohol.

She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

She says "I want you to see this."

She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.

She then says, feeling that she has made ...

When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic.

AAA: This is AAA, not AA.

Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.

Alcohol is not always the answer…

…but it’s worth a shot.

If alcohol can damage your short term memory…

…Imagine the damage alcohol can do

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Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

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To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a construction worker and an alcoholic

Fuck you that just was a lucky guess.

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Not to brag, but we did a lot experiments with drugs, sex, and alcohol when I was in college.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol?

Invite two of them.

Doctor: You don’t look too good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?

Me: I drink it.

A homeless man asked me for money I had 20 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it to just go towards crack and alcohol

So I gave it to the homeless man

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

What do you get when you mix American Literature and alcohol?

Tequila Mockingbird

A priest, an alcoholic, and an engineer are sentenced to death.

They are to be killed by the guillotine.

First is the priest. The executioner says "You can go on the guillotine either face up or face down". The priest says "I want to die face up, looking up to the heavens". So the priest lies face up. The executioner releases the blade; the blade falls ra...

A genie says to an alcoholic drifter, "You have three wishes, what would you like for your first wish"?

Drifter: I would like a bottle of whiskey that is never empty

In a flash, the drifter is holding a bottle of whiskey.
He takes a few gulps from the bottle, and in a few seconds, the bottle is full again.

Genie: What would you like for your other two wishes?

Drifter: I'll have...

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister

It tastes the same but it's just not right.

Alcoholic, women lover and weed smoker go to hell

The Satan says them: "you can get out if you'll spend 100 years in a room with your main addictions".

He shows the alcoholic a room with lots of alcohol. Alcoholic says: "ok, i'll spend 100 years here".

Then he shows a women lover a room with beautiful young women.
He says "ok, i'll...

I'm giving up alcohol for a month....

Wait, sorry. That came out wrong.

I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.

An alcoholic wakes up in jail.

He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking," replies the officer.

"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"

Alcoholism doesn’t run in my family

It drives

Why do we know that really strong alcohol excists?

They have a lot of proof

alcohol problems

I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol.

Last night they dropped me 3 times while trying to carry me to the car…

Alcohol Advice.

Alcohol is not in my Vodkabulary.

However, I looked it up on Whiskeypedia and learned

if you drink too much of it, it's likely Tequilya.

Alcohol and Calculus don't mix.

Don't drink and derive.

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2 women go out drinking and after a heavy night and a lot of alcohol, decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Whilst taking the shortcut they both have the urge to pee so they duck down behind the gravestones and pee. They realise they have nothing to wipe with, so the first woman decides to use her pants and leaves them there. The second woman was luckier, she found a bouquet of flowers and unwrapped them ...

My wife told me I should stop drinking wood alcohol.

But I don't see the problem.

Today I am celebrating 100 days without alcohol!

Not consecutively, though.

A recovering alcoholic swedish horse walks into a bar.

The bar tender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"

The horse says, "Nej."

My alcoholism is really screwing up my law career.

Every time I try to pass the bar...

I just go in.

What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?

They both view alcohol as a solution.

A scientist walks into an AA meeting. “I’ve just invented a cure for alcoholism! Take one of these pills and you’ll never be a problem drinker again!”

An attendee replies: “What happens if you take two?”

Heard about the alcoholic who lived in a haunted house?

They had a real problem with boos.

Why are all exorcists alcoholics?

Because they can’t handle their spirits.

People keep telling me that alcohol isn't a solution

but I've asked my chemist friends and they all reassure me that it is.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent

It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

I bought an alcoholic ginger beer

he wasn’t pleased !

Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems…

… but then again, neither does milk.

What do Alcoholics call New Year's Eve?

Amateur night!

Alcohol

Once Nasrudin was teaching his son the first lessons of drinking. So he told him... The son was asking, he was curious. He asked that, "When is one to stop?" Nasrudin said, "Look at that table. Four persons are sitting there. When you start seeing eight, stop!" The boy said, "But father, there are o...

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like using a vibrator with no batteries

Sure it fills you up but with none of the buzz.

Alcoholic

An alcoholic goes to the the store to buy some whiskey. He tucks the bottle under his jacket and stumbles out the door. As he is stumbling thru the streets he gets hit by a car. He falls to the ground and feels something wet on his side. He puts his hand inside his jacket to see what it is. He pulls...

No matter how bad your personal situation is - alcohol is never the answer

Alcohol is the question, and "yes" is the answer.

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I gave up alcohol last year.

It was the longest 20 minutes of my life.

I tried to give up sex, but it wasn't any longer.

I used to think that alcohol was bad to my health

So i quit thinking.

I drink alcohol without hesitation, but drugs,

…drugs is where I draw the line.

A gentleman had too much alcohol at a party.

He was heading home and was pulled over by a state trooper.


Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to m...

Many things can be preserved in alcohol.

Dignity is not one of them.

My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol...

He doesn’t drink, it’s just that he’s really bad at crossword puzzles...

My father is a recovering alcoholic.

I've never seen him this hungover.

An alcoholic walks into a candy store...

The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says "Can I help you with anything?"

The alcoholic replies "Yeah, got any liquor?"

"Well, I'm not sure but there is this"

"What is that?"

"It's liquor-ish"

My science teacher caught me drinking alcohol

well it is a solution

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Two recovering alcoholics decided to write a song together...

but they couldn't get past the first two bars.

I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday

Thank god I only drink every night

I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink on days that start with letter T.

Tuesday, Thursday and Today.

How do you know if someone is an alcoholic?

Tell them you’ve got a joke: “How do you know when it’s time to stop drinking”? If they say “I don’t know”, then they’re an alcoholic.

Doctor: "Alcoholism is a disease."

Bartender: "Get your shots here."

My son told me that he was feeling hot while drinking alcohol

I said, "That's the spirit"

An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar...

...and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs.

The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.”

The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front doo...

Why couldn't the alcoholic become a lawyer?

He couldn't pass the Bar.

What's Dracula's favourite alcoholic drink and candy combo?

Red vines

If you ever want to quit drinking eat Twizzlers because they’re not alcohol but...

They’re liquorish.

Why is heaven hard for alcoholics?

Because they're surrounded by Spirits.

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There was an alcoholic man in a village

So he seeked help from the village's only doctor.
-"Tell me about your problem", said the doc.
-"I just can't stop drinking and nothing can help me, I am an alcoholic", said helplessly the man.
- "I will fix that!", said the doc and started fucking the alcoholic in the ass.
After it was ...

I haven't touched alcohol since last Friday

I drink out of a tube since the accident

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine. the doctor tries to persuade them

the extrovert denies

" you won't be able to go to public gatherings anymore"

the extrovert agrees to take it



the alcoholic denies

"you will ha...

Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches...

When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you've had enough.

Alcohol, tobacco and firearms

That shouldn't be the name for a government agency, that should be the theme of a store.

Alcoholism

Doctor: "Do you suffer from Alcoholism?"

Patient: "No, I actually enjoy it quite a lot."

Why did alcoholics hate the 1920's?

It was the worst time for them, bar none.

I gave up drinking alcohol on the 1st of January. It's better for your health.

And it's only one day a year.

Is the life of an alcoholic worth living?

Well, it depends upon the liver.

I accidentally mixed up a bottle of alcohol with a magic lamp

Now I'm sipping on jinn & juice.

So apparently drinking alcohol is illegal now.

Just got pulled over for it.

Why was the alcoholic mathematician arrested by the police?

Drinking and deriving

They say rubbing alcohol fixes outside wounds, so what fixes inside wounds?

Drinking alcohol!

I’ve discovered that alcohol contains female hormones

After drinking you can’t drive, you never stop talking and have to sit while peeing.

What's the difference between alcohol and weed?

Five drunk guys will start a fight. Five stoned guys will start a band.

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My father’s answer to everything was alcohol.

He wasn’t a drunk. He was just shitty at Trivia.

Doc and Alcohol

Me: So Doc what is my problem?

Doc: I am not exactly sure of the cause .I think it could be due to Alcohol.

Me: That's ok i will come back when you are sober.

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3 men are caught smuggling alcohol into Saudi Arabia

As it's a "dry" country, the men are brought before a judge.

Judge: "Under normal circumstances, the penalty for smuggling is death. However, it's a national holiday and I'm feeling generous, so you'll each receive 20 lashings."

As he says this, his wife approaches the judge and whispe...

What's the difference between alcohol and QAnon?

Alcohol kills less braincells.

A lad named Jack confronts his alcoholic father

“You stupid old man, our last name is Inoff you did this on purpose!”

His father replies “Nah I named you after Jack Daniels. But that’s pretty damn funny too!”

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Do Alcoholics run in your family?

No, but they stumble around the break shit.

Before they drink they are pensive, but when they are drunk and break shit they are ex-pensive

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone,

but they’ve always worked for me.

Why did the alcoholic buy a mirror?

Doctor said to watch the drinking.

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Three Russian alcoholics gather for a drink.

They pour each one a glass of vodka and drink half of it in one go. One of them, when he puts down his drink, doesn't see his buddies, but sees St. Peter surrounded by holy light.

“I can't die yet! I haven't even finished this glass!” - the alcoholic cries.

“Okay” says St. Peter. “I ...

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Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.

While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
...

Guy walks into a store...

Guy walks into a store and asks the clerk, "Where's the alcohol?"

Clerk replies, "I'm sorry, this is a candy store."

Guy pleads, "Do you have any candy with alcohol in it?"

Clerk walks down an aisle and returns with a bag.

Guy looks at the bag and says, "This isn't quite ...

What is an alcoholics least favorite part of a baseball game?

The bottom of the 5th.

Why Did The Alcoholic Comedian Quit Performing?

He couldn't handle the boos.

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene.

It's that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.

Whats an alcoholic motorcycle's favorite drink?

RUUUMrumrumrumrumrumrumRUMRUUUUMMMrumrumrum

Alcoholic Horse

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “you’re in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?”

The horse ponders for a minute and responds, “I don’t think I am”, and poof he disappears.

This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, “I t...

There's only three times in the year that I'll consume alcohol.

Before work, during work and after work.

I've managed 434 days, 12 hours, 47 minutes and 17 seconds of sobriety.

I'm so glad alcohol doesn't dictate my life any more.

Alcohol can cause memory loss.

But, it can also cause memory loss.

What's the difference between an alcoholic and a necrophile?

One cracks open a cold one and one opens a cold one's crack

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The miracle of alcohol

An Irishman promises his wife that he will quit drinking. All goes well for about three weeks. One night, his friends invite him to join them at the pub.

"Ya don't have to drink at all. Just trade some stories with the boys."

The Irishman agrees to stay for a little while. After an hou...

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A man smelling of alcohol and weed sat next to a priest on a bus.

The man’s clothes were ragged and dirty, there was pink lipstick on his collar, and an almost empty bottle of rum stuck out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

A few minutes later he turned to the priest and said, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthr...

What do alcoholic insects drink?

Molt liquor

Guy walks into a bar and says, “I don’t want to taste alcohol, what should I get?”

Bartender says “COVID”

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