I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January.

Edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of January.

I refuse to give any of my money to the homeless for two reasons. 1) They are just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol.

2) I need it for drugs and alcohol.

I’m okay with smoking, alcohol and marijuana

But cocaine is where I draw the line

There are 70 ways to keep a man happy, first Is alcohol

Second is 69

I hate people who take drugs and alcohol

Really wanted to punch that guy at airport security :/

They say alcohol isnt the answer.

But chemistry says it is a solution.

When I drink too much alcohol I’m called an alcoholic,

but when I smoke a lot of weed no one calls me...
Or texts me... or talks to me... I’m very lonely.

I used to think that alcohol would help me get through my problems

It didn't help me solve anything. it was really just a solven't.

Alcohol removes pimples and warts.

Not from me. From the people I look at.

What kind of alcohol would sysadmin like?

root beer

Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.

Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

I was talking to a date about what kinds of alcohol we like. I asked her if she liked a certain wine, and then she asked me if I liked a liquor...

Liquor?! I barely even know 'er!

I like my women like I like my alcohol

Responsible for a fair majority of my terrible life choices

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is drinking alcohol gay?

Because when you are drunk, you can’t think straight.

Honestly, I haven't got a problem with alcohol.

I have a problem without it.

Im Happy To Say Im Officially 16 years free of drugs and alcohol!

Come celebrate at my sweet 16 birthday bash tomorrow.

Lots of booze

My doctor told me to drink hard alcohol for my depression...

Turns out absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

The Evils of Alcohol . . .

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”...

If a bar runs out of alcohol

If a bar runs out of alcohol, there is no pint in going to the bar.

What do you get when you mix literature with alcohol?

Tequila Mockingbird

My parents claim I'm using alcohol as a crutch

I told them to stop being naive, crutches help you walk

Donald Trump doesnt drink alcohol

unless a russian hooker drank it first

If drinking alcohol causes memory loss,

what does drinking alcohol do?

I was determined to get rid of my alcohol addiction without anyone´s help.

Ended up making things worse as I was drunk and self-driven.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a sign in the booze aisle of the supermarket. It said "Alcohol-free"

Fucking bargain, I thought, so I picked up ten bottles of Prosecco.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Serve alcohol at a party and nobody bats an eye

But serve laxatives and everybody loses their shit

My friends keep encouraging me to give alcohol to my dog

Figured I'd give it a shot

I'm highly skeptical over the existence of "alcohol-free beer"...

There's literally zero proof.

A nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a hole in the roof of your church."

"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church."

The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman.

The following day the priest is prep...

Why should you not mix alcohol and calculus?

Because you should never drink and derive.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person's walk...

And the result was staggering.

I’m currently in a recovering alcoholics program in North Carolina.

But to keep it short, I just tell people I’m in the NCAA.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My father’s answer to everything was alcohol.

He wasn’t a drunk. He was just shitty at Trivia.

If you ever get a splinter, dip it in alcohol.

Whenever my mum had a prick in her hand, she'd put it in cider.

I will be doing an alcohol free month...

I guess I'll have to find an alternative to ethanol as a solvent for my capsaicin extractions.

Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night . Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

We all know Donald Trump doesn’t drink alcohol. But did you know he won’t drink non-alcoholic beer either?

It’s fake booze.

If i drink alcohol, i will be an alcoholic.

So if I drink Fanta, will I be fantastic?

A local anti-alcohol protester walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey and a glass of water

. The bartender, surprised to see the protester in the bar at all, much less ordering alcohol, asks him what he's doing. "Just watch," the protester replies. He drops a worm in the shot of whiskey, and another worm in the water. Within minutes the worm in the whiskey dies. "Now, what does that tell ...

Did you know alcohol helps if you can't sleep?

It doesn't help you sleep, but it makes the lying awake much better!

When you drink a lot of alcohol, you oversleep, don't remember important things, don't go to work, hallucinate and sometimes even forget that you have a girlfriend or that you're married...

But most importantly, don't forget that drinking also come with negative effects.

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene.

It's that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.

I have a friend that is allergic to alcohol

Whenever he drinks it he breaks out in handcuffs

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You tell them you're quitting alcohol, they offer you free drinks.

You tell them you're vegan, they offer you steaks and hamburgers.

You tell them you have no sexual life and ... nobody bats an eye.

It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.

Alcohol IS a solution.

For some people, alcohol is a problem.

For chemists, it’s a solution.

Harper Lee made her own alcohol several decades ago, researchers found out it's called

Tequila Mockingbird.

I use alcohol as a cosmetic.

Applying it to other peoples faces, makes mine look better.

Alcohol is a depressant

But not nearly as much as lack of alcohol.

I want to encourage you all to not abuse alcohol.

And remember, neglect is a form of abuse.

I always thought it was weird that my parent's medicine cabinet was also where they stored the alcohol.

I found out later that they were just trying to cure what ales me.

What professional sport would be more fun to watch if the athletes drank alcohol during?

NASCAR

In what way is the future generation of fortnite dancers like alcohol?

They’re both depressants

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Drinking alcohol-free beer..

..is like giving oral sex to your sister. The taste is the same, but deep inside, you know that something is terribly wrong.

After reading a recent study that found that the negative effects of alcohol greatly outweigh the benefits, I’ve decided it’s time for a change in my life.

I’ve decided to give up recent studies.

Our parents say alcohol is our enemy

Jesus tells us to love our enemies...

When God decided to try some alcohol

One day God decided to visit the earth & try some alcohol.

So he changed his dress & went to a bar and asked the bartender :- What all do you have..??

Bartender :- We have Whisky, Rum, Vodka, Gin, Beer etc etc.

God :- Let's try Whisky first. Give me a bottle of whisky. ...

I'm not an alcoholic.

Alcoholics go to meetings. I'm a drunk, I go to parties.

Alcohol is bad

In a pub a man sees a blonde and sits next to her:

- Can I buy you a drink?

- No thanks, alcohol is bad for my legs.

- Oh, I'm sorry... Do they tend to swell?

- No, they tend to spread!

Worldwide, millions die from alcohol abuse each year....

Its truly a horrible ginocide.

I’m absolutely done with friends who can’t handle their alcohol.

The other day not even 3 of them could get me out of the club without dropping me.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent

It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

I’m working on a top secret project using honey to create alcohol

It’s on a mead to know basis.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dads answer to everything was alcohol.

He wasn't a big drinker, he was just shit at crosswords.

How much alcohol does it take to kill a braincell?

Seven chickens.

Alcohol and cigarettes have warning labels because they are addictive, dangerous, and destroy lives.

And yet women are allowed to just roam around.

Alcohol doesn't make you FAT ... it makes you LEAN ...

... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There’s a store near my house that sells nothing but basketballs and alcohol.

They call it Rubber Balls and Liquor.

Alcohol Free Beer

Is a lot like going down on your sister.
 
It tastes the same but it’s just plain wrong.

The doctor says to the patient: 'I'm not sure what the problem is sir, but it's probably the alcohol.'

No problem doc, I'll come back when you're sober.

Alcohol and food

A little boy climbs onto his father's knee.

"Daddy," he says, his wide eyes bright with optimism. "Now that alcohol is so expensive, does that mean you'll drink less?"

The father laughs.

"No, my son," he replies. "It means you'll eat less."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I don’t need alcohol to have fun

I don’t need running shoes to run either, but if fucking helps

What alcohol do you drink in survival video games?

Craft beers

How does yoda feel about extra taxes on alcohol?

Backwards, the sintax is.

May the 4th be with you!

My friend said he saw a bee drink alcohol in the bar.

I told him they don't do that, that's abnormal beehaviour.

I'm sorry

I went 14 yrs without drinking alcohol or smoking weed

Then I entered high school

If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, what does drinking Fanta make you?

diabetic

I'm giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn't come out right: I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.

So many people think drugs and alcohol are the answer.

But drugs and alcohol are the question. Yes is the answer.

How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol?

Invite two of them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man named Ted is unable to put alcohol down.

His thirst for liquor is unquenchable. All he does every day is drink and drink. Rum, tequila, beer, vodka, he has it all. Doesn't matter how it tastes or looks; he'll down it.

At first it started out at a simple party at Dominc's place. His best bud, Bob, invited him so he couldn't say no. P...

New study shows procrastination is as harmful to mental health as alcohol abuse

To combat this, I've decided to form Procrastinators anonymous, please consider joining it!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I read that heavy alcohol consumption causes severe liver damage. That scared the crap out of me.

So I've given up reading completely.

I prefer my alcohol like I prefer children

Aged in a barrel and chilled on the rocks in my cellar

What happens when you mix too much alcohol with too many drugs?

To get to the other side

I have been buying a lot of alcohol lately... I hope i am not becoming a

Shopaholic.

Today I am celebrating 100 days without alcohol!

Not consecutively, though.