AquaMan + Alcohol

Q: Why does AquaMan drink?

A: He’s an Ethyl MerMan.

The best thing about using alcohol hand gel isn’t just the hygiene, it's that everyone walks around now looking like they’re...

...about to hatch a dastardly plan...

Alcohol free beer is like eating out your sister

It tastes the same but you know it's just wrong!

Alcoholics don't run in my family

They stumble around and break stuff

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A beer to an alcoholic, is like an orgasm to me.

If I've gone a while without one, I'll take anything that comes my way.

When you drink a lot of alcohol, you oversleep, don't remember important things, don't go to work, hallucinate and sometimes even forget that you have a girlfriend or that you're married...

But most importantly, don't forget that drinking also come with negative effects...

An American, a German, and a Chinese got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia

So for the terrible crime, they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced:

“It is my first wife’s birthday today, and she would like to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”

The German was first in...

I bought a two weeks supply of Alcohol for the quarantine.

For the second time this week.

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila Mockingbird

Why did the alcoholic beverage stab the woman?

Tequila

Mikhail Gorbachev started an anti-alcohol campaign in USSR in 1980s. People went crazy because of the restrictions on selling of alcohol. An old Soviet joke went like this:

“A disaffected and angry citizen, fed up of standing in lines for vodka, decided to go assassinate Gorbachev. He soon came back and ruefully reported that the lines to assassinate Gorbachev were even longer than the lines for vodka.”

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died. "All right, son." asked the father, "what does that show you?"

"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

Why do astronauts always sit one chair apart from eachother when drinking alcohol?

Because they're at a space bar.

What’s the hardest thing for an alcoholic law student to do?

Pass the bar

People tell me "Alcohol isn't a solution"

But why should I listen to someone who clearly flunked chemistry?

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. ...

Alcohol

I would’ve never imagined my hands would consume more alcohol than my liver.

Why didn't the alcoholic became a comedian?

Because he couldn't stand up.

I am ok with alcohol, cigarettes, and even marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

Today marks 4 weeks of isolation. Been running 2.5 miles a day, drinking 2 gallons of water, cut out ALL meat, sugar, dairy and flour. I feel great! Zero alcohol, a healthy vegan diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 30 minute home workout each day.

I have no idea who originally posted this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy & paste!

Girl, are you alcohol-based?

'Cause I want you to be my hand rub.

What's the difference between alcohol and water in Russia?

Just a single letter.

I just read that 6.7% of the world's population have a problem with alcohol.

And I thought "6.7%...That would be a pretty strong beer."

A friend of mine graduated from law school but became and alcoholic and never got to be a lawyer...

...he just couldn't pass the bar.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.

So she gets a
divorce.

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I get pulled over and the officer says “do you have alcohol in the car?

Me: yes officer, do you want some?

Officer: are you trying to bribe me?

Me: no officer, I’m just being friendly

Officer: I don’t know where you’re from, but around here offering an officer alcohol is not friendly

Me: I’m sorry officer. I really think you could use some th...

A pianist, a dancer and an alcoholic are attending a party

The doorman asks the pianist "what are you here for?", "I'm here to play music" and the doorman directs him to the instruments on stage.

The doorman asks the dancer "what are you here for?", "I'm here to get my groove on" and the doorman directs him to the dance floor.

The doorman asks...

I'm giving up alcohol for the duration of this quarantine.

Wait. I wrote that wrong.

I'm giving up. Alcohol for the duration of this quarantine.

What do you call a place where marijuana is legal but alcohol isn't?

High and dry.

But Officer, I would never drink alcohol while driving!

I only drink when I'm stopped at a red light.

What do you call it when an authoritarian state bans alcohol?

Teetotaltarianism.

What was the alcoholic literature teacher’s favorite book?

Tequila Mockingbird!

For some people, alcohol is a crutch.

For me, it's a very comfortable hammock, and I see no reason to get out of it.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeeper says, "You're on here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse replies, "I don't think I am" and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think, therefore I am'. But to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle lying on the passenger seat.

“Have you been drinking?” The officer asks.

“Just water,” says the priest.

“Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

I really hate drinking alcohol,

but tonight, I'll give it a shot.

I drank a lot of alcohol on the airport last night.

I now have a terminal hangover.

I don't have an addiction to alcohol, alcohol has an addiction to me,

whenever alcohol is with me, it gets drunk.

I only drink alcohol on days that start with a "T"

Today and tomorrow

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My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol.

He is not a drinker, just shitty at crosswords.

Doctor: I don't think alcohol agrees with you.

Me: It's OK for things to have different opinions.

What do you get when you cross alcohol with an unstable parent ?

Beats me

Son: Dad what's an alcoholic

Dad: well you see those Two kids ove there an alcoholic would see 4
Son: looks closely, but dad i only see one

I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January.

Edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of January.

What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one

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Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.

“We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18” says the bartender.

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face. The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...

"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, 60, who died of heart failure while making love to his mistress, hence the enormous smile." says the coroner.

"Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars in the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
...

My doctor asked me if I abuse drugs and alcohol

I said "why would I abuse the two things I love more than anything"?

I don't give money to homeless people because they will just spend it all on drugs and alcohol

And I need it for drugs and alcohol.

If I got ALL the money back that I spent on drugs and alcohol...

I'd buy drugs and alcohol.

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3 men are caught smuggling alcohol into Saudi Arabia

As it's a "dry" country, the men are brought before a judge.

Judge: "Under normal circumstances, the penalty for smuggling is death. However, it's a national holiday and I'm feeling generous, so you'll each receive 20 lashings."

As he says this, his wife approaches the judge and whispe...

A son asks his father, “Daddy, what’s an alcoholic like?”

The dad responds, “Son, do you see those two cars over there? An alcoholic would see four.”
The son says, “But daddy, there’s only one.”

When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

"Give me the strongest shot you've got!"

A cowboy down on his luck rode into town one day and went to a bar. Feeling like he needed to drink his sorrows away. He signaled the bartender for service.

Bartender: "What can I get you, cowboy?"

Cowboy: "Give me a shot... Not too happy right now."

The bartender understood and...

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A guy takes up a new job.

On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’
...

People keep telling me alcohol won't solve my problems

But they don't know it's a solution

Two recovering alcoholics decided to write a song together...

but they couldn't get past the first two bars.

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies.

*poof*

The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”.

But to explain that joke b...

PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.

If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.

What does orange juice and my dad have in common?

They both slap harder when mixed with alcohol.

Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy

but the Bible says love your enemy.

Doctor: "I can't figure out what the problem is. It may be due to alcohol."

Patient: "That's alright. I'll come back when you're sober."

I tried a few drugs here and there in my life. Weed, painkillers, alcohol etc.

But when it comes to cocaine I draw the line.

How many members of Alcoholics Anonymous does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has to want to change.

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A Baptist preacher, a Methodist preacher, and a Presbyterian preacher lived in the same small town.

The three were of similar age, and over the years, they and their wives became friends. All three retired within a few months of each other, and decided to rent an RV to drive across the country. Only a few days into the trip, they were in a horrible accident that killed all six of them.

The...

"My wife suffers from a drinking problem"

"Is she an alcoholic?"

"No I am, but she is the one who suffers"

What do you get when your dad is an abusive alcoholic?

Laid.

What does nail polish and panties have in common?

They both come off with alcohol.

If your urine smells like alcohol, you may have a drinking problem

If your urine tastes like alcohol, you definitely do have a drinking problem

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A lemon, a potato and a pea had a tough week at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

What’s it called when an alcoholic Christian dies from drinking?

Deliverance

What is a vampires favorite alcoholic beverage

Blood Lite

An alcoholic law student walks into a bar.

After a few drinks he starts crying. The bartender asks, “Hey buddy are you ok?” He looks up and says, “I’m really mad at myself for not passing the bar.”

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I was worried my doctor would tell me I was drinking too much alcohol.

Surprisingly, he said I should drink more.

I jumped up and screamed "Fuck yeah!"

He said "...water. Please don't interrupt."

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mo...

What do you call the alcoholic knight of the round table

Cirrhosis

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My pastor just started a new line of alcoholic beverages.

It's called Jesus Jews.

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Two men are sitting in a bar...

One man looks at the other and says "Wanna hear joke?"

"Sure"

"What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A dictator!"

"Hahaha that's pretty good, but I have a better one. What do a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one!"...

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This quarantine hasnt been easy on my sex life.

I keep confusing the lube with the alcohol.

The horse who drinks bourbon

A horse walks into a bar and orders 20 shots of bourbon. The bartender, uneasy from meeting an actual talking horse asks “ya got any money?” The horse reaches back into its saddle and produces a hundred dollar bill. The man pours the drinks, the horse drinks every single one in quick order and leave...

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Rip karen

I was working in a movie theatre in France, a customer started an argument with my manager, who was a highly functional alcoholic and did not give a fuck about pleasing Karens. She stupidly said ''customer is king" to which he replied "we' re in France, we decapitate Kings"

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They say alcohol makes you horny.

But I can’t even get my dick in the bottle.

How did the alcoholic climb the mountain?

12 steps at a time.

How many alcoholics does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the lightbulb in place and one to drink until the room spins.

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?".

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks over at the bottle and says,...

I read so much about the bad influences of alcohol and sugar, that I've decided...

...to read less.

I hate people who take drugs and alcohol

Really wanted to punch that guy at airport security :/

An Asian, an American, and a European walk into a bar.

They sit down at the table, and decide to hit up some drinks.



American: I'll have a Coke! I don't want to get drunk.



European: I'll have a watery rum! I'll stay up for the drive.



Asian: I'll have 3 bottles beer, and a side of whiskey!




T...

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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover...

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

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A drug addict, an alcoholic and a cronic smoker die in a car crash

Three of them face the ultimate judgement. They'd have been sent to hell but turns out they did their share of good in their lives. So they face the last test. The alcoholic is given a bottle of Brandy, the drug addict given the stuff he digs and the smoker given a pack of cigarettes. Each of them a...

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Alcohol is gay.

Because when you're drunk, you can't think straight.

A desperate alcoholic drinks varnish...

Sadly, he comes to a terrible end..... but a beautiful finish!

Why was the ghost an alcoholic?

Because he likes boo's!

Have you considered pouring your alcohol into smaller glasses?

You should try, it’s worth a shot.

An alcoholic wakes up in jail.

He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking," replies the officer.

"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"

I've been meeting up with a group of alcoholics who want to get better.

We've found we're much better drinkers when we're all doing it together.

Why can't any of 7 Dwarfs drink alcohol?

They're miners.

A child walks up to his dad and asks: "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

The father answers: "See those 4 trees over there, son? An alcoholic would see 8".

And the son replied: "But dad, there are only 2 trees".

And the mother: "Why are you guys staring at a tree?"

If wine is jesus' blood, doesn't that make blood/alcohol content "blood/blood" content...

...officer.

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