They say alcohol isnt the answer.

But chemistry says it is a solution.

I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January.

Edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of January.

I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

I don't give money to the homeless. They are just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol.

Also, I need it for drugs and alcohol.

When I drink too much alcohol I’m called an alcoholic,

but when I smoke a lot of weed no one calls me...
Or texts me... or talks to me... I’m very lonely.

I like my women like I like my alcohol

Responsible for a fair majority of my terrible life choices

My doctor told me to drink hard alcohol for my depression...

Turns out absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

My friends keep encouraging me to give alcohol to my dog

Figured I'd give it a shot

What do you get when you mix literature with alcohol?

Tequila Mockingbird

A nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a hole in the roof of your church."

"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church."

The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman.

The following day the priest is prep...

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I saw a sign in the booze aisle of the supermarket. It said "Alcohol-free"

Fucking bargain, I thought, so I picked up ten bottles of Prosecco.

The Evils of Alcohol . . .

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”...

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Why is drinking alcohol gay?

Because when you are drunk, you can’t think straight.

If drinking alcohol causes memory loss,

what does drinking alcohol do?

Why was the department of alcohol tobacco and firearms created?

To regulate the 3 leading causes of death in rural America.

Donald Trump doesnt drink alcohol

unless a russian hooker drank it first

I'm highly skeptical over the existence of "alcohol-free beer"...

There's literally zero proof.

I’m currently in a recovering alcoholics program in North Carolina.

But to keep it short, I just tell people I’m in the NCAA.

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Serve alcohol at a party and nobody bats an eye

But serve laxatives and everybody loses their shit

Why should you not mix alcohol and calculus?

Because you should never drink and derive.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person's walk...

And the result was staggering.

On my third day of alcohol detox and finally found the trick for withdrawals

I find a beer or 6 really takes the edge off

If you ever get a splinter, dip it in alcohol.

Whenever my mum had a prick in her hand, she'd put it in cider.

I will be doing an alcohol free month...

I guess I'll have to find an alternative to ethanol as a solvent for my capsaicin extractions.

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Why do Japanese people go to an alcohol shop?

Just for the Sake of it.

Did you know alcohol helps if you can't sleep?

It doesn't help you sleep, but it makes the lying awake much better!

We all know Donald Trump doesn’t drink alcohol. But did you know he won’t drink non-alcoholic beer either?

It’s fake booze.

If i drink alcohol, i will be an alcoholic.

So if I drink Fanta, will I be fantastic?

Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night . Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

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My father’s answer to everything was alcohol.

He wasn’t a drunk. He was just shitty at Trivia.

When you drink a lot of alcohol, you oversleep, don't remember important things, don't go to work, hallucinate and sometimes even forget that you have a girlfriend or that you're married...

But most importantly, don't forget that drinking also come with negative effects.

Harper Lee made her own alcohol several decades ago, researchers found out it's called

Tequila Mockingbird.

I'm not an alcoholic.

Alcoholics go to meetings. I'm a drunk, I go to parties.

They say alcohol is a depressant

I say if your drinking and depressed then you're not drinking enough.

A local anti-alcohol protester walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey and a glass of water

. The bartender, surprised to see the protester in the bar at all, much less ordering alcohol, asks him what he's doing. "Just watch," the protester replies. He drops a worm in the shot of whiskey, and another worm in the water. Within minutes the worm in the whiskey dies. "Now, what does that tell ...

For some people, alcohol is a problem.

For chemists, it’s a solution.

I want to encourage you all to not abuse alcohol.

And remember, neglect is a form of abuse.

It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.

Alcohol IS a solution.

I have a friend that is allergic to alcohol

Whenever he drinks it he breaks out in handcuffs

Alcohol is a depressant

But not nearly as much as lack of alcohol.

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You tell them you're quitting alcohol, they offer you free drinks.

You tell them you're vegan, they offer you steaks and hamburgers.

You tell them you have no sexual life and ... nobody bats an eye.

I always thought it was weird that my parent's medicine cabinet was also where they stored the alcohol.

I found out later that they were just trying to cure what ales me.

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene.

It's that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.

I use alcohol as a cosmetic.

Applying it to other peoples faces, makes mine look better.

In what way is the future generation of fortnite dancers like alcohol?

They’re both depressants

What professional sport would be more fun to watch if the athletes drank alcohol during?


After reading a recent study that found that the negative effects of alcohol greatly outweigh the benefits, I’ve decided it’s time for a change in my life.

I’ve decided to give up recent studies.

Alcohol is bad

In a pub a man sees a blonde and sits next to her:

- Can I buy you a drink?

- No thanks, alcohol is bad for my legs.

- Oh, I'm sorry... Do they tend to swell?

- No, they tend to spread!

When God decided to try some alcohol

One day God decided to visit the earth & try some alcohol.

So he changed his dress & went to a bar and asked the bartender :- What all do you have..??

Bartender :- We have Whisky, Rum, Vodka, Gin, Beer etc etc.

God :- Let's try Whisky first. Give me a bottle of whisky. ...

Worldwide, millions die from alcohol abuse each year....

Its truly a horrible ginocide.

Alcohol and cigarettes have warning labels because they are addictive, dangerous, and destroy lives.

And yet women are allowed to just roam around.

I’m absolutely done with friends who can’t handle their alcohol.

The other day not even 3 of them could get me out of the club without dropping me.

I’m working on a top secret project using honey to create alcohol

It’s on a mead to know basis.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Drinking alcohol-free beer.. like giving oral sex to your sister. The taste is the same, but deep inside, you know that something is terribly wrong.

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There’s a store near my house that sells nothing but basketballs and alcohol.

They call it Rubber Balls and Liquor.

Our parents say alcohol is our enemy

Jesus tells us to love our enemies...

Alcohol doesn't make you FAT ... it makes you LEAN ...

... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people!

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My dads answer to everything was alcohol.

He wasn't a big drinker, he was just shit at crosswords.

Alcohol and food

A little boy climbs onto his father's knee.

"Daddy," he says, his wide eyes bright with optimism. "Now that alcohol is so expensive, does that mean you'll drink less?"

The father laughs.

"No, my son," he replies. "It means you'll eat less."

Alcohol is a perfect solvent

It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

What alcohol do you drink in survival video games?

Craft beers

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I don’t need alcohol to have fun

I don’t need running shoes to run either, but if fucking helps

The doctor says to the patient: 'I'm not sure what the problem is sir, but it's probably the alcohol.'

No problem doc, I'll come back when you're sober.

Alcohol Free Beer

Is a lot like going down on your sister.
It tastes the same but it’s just plain wrong.

How does yoda feel about extra taxes on alcohol?

Backwards, the sintax is.

May the 4th be with you!

If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, what does drinking Fanta make you?


I went 14 yrs without drinking alcohol or smoking weed

Then I entered high school

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A man named Ted is unable to put alcohol down.

His thirst for liquor is unquenchable. All he does every day is drink and drink. Rum, tequila, beer, vodka, he has it all. Doesn't matter how it tastes or looks; he'll down it.

At first it started out at a simple party at Dominc's place. His best bud, Bob, invited him so he couldn't say no. P...

A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.

"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.

So many people think drugs and alcohol are the answer.

But drugs and alcohol are the question. Yes is the answer.

I'm giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn't come out right: I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.

New study shows procrastination is as harmful to mental health as alcohol abuse

To combat this, I've decided to form Procrastinators anonymous, please consider joining it!

How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol?

Invite two of them.

We love Alcohol so much...

If something good happens, we drink to celebrate it.
If something bad happens, we drink to forget it and drown our sorrows.
If nothing happens, we drink to make things happen.
We need to do something about this problem my fellow friends, Please can we meet for a drink and discuss this?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I read that heavy alcohol consumption causes severe liver damage. That scared the crap out of me.

So I've given up reading completely.

I prefer my alcohol like I prefer children

Aged in a barrel and chilled on the rocks in my cellar

I haven't touched alcohol since last Friday

I drink out of a tube since the accident

I have been buying a lot of alcohol lately... I hope i am not becoming a


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Sex is just like drinking alcohol

at first it’s super exciting and fun but eventually it’s just something that’s necessary for procreation.

What happens when you mix too much alcohol with too many drugs?

To get to the other side

Why didn’t they serve ghosts alcohol during the prohibition?

Because they didn’t have any spirits.

There was a recent study that tried to pinpoint the effect that alcohol had on walking…

The result was staggering…

Alcohol may be the reason you don’t have a dad,

but it’s also the reason you were born in the first place.

Today I am celebrating 100 days without alcohol!

Not consecutively, though.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

For some people, alcohol loosens their tongue; others

Their butthole