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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. ...

Doctor: "I can't figure out what the problem is. It may be due to alcohol."

Patient: "That's alright. I'll come back when you're sober."

What do you call the alcoholic knight of the round table

Cirrhosis

The forest animals are always drunk, so the fox bans alcohol...

The following day, the fox spies a rabbit hanging out of a tree, clearly wasted. The fox ticks him off, and carries on his way. The next day he sees the rabbit drunk again, and gives him a final warning.

The following day, the fox does his rounds and there's no sign of the rabbit, but he not...

"Daddy... what's an alcoholic???"... "Well, son... see those four trees? An alcoholic sees eight..."

"But daddy, there are only two trees!?"

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The magic hand. (Long)

A man was going to be going out of town for a while on a work trip, and wanted to make sure his wife didn’t cheat on him. So he decided to go to a sex toy shop to get her something to entertain herself with while he’s away. He enters the store and describes his predicament to the shopkeeper. “If you...

A son asks his father, “Daddy, what’s an alcoholic like?”

The dad responds, “Son, do you see those two cars over there? An alcoholic would see four.”
The son says, “But daddy, there’s only one.”

After a long day at work, a weasel stopped at his local pub for a drink...

As he steps up to the bar, the bartender greeted him: “Well, how are you today, sir?”

“Tired”, says the weasel. “Oh, you need a whiskey, then.”

“No, thank you” replies the weasel. “Weasels don’t drink believe in drinking alcohol.”

“Well, you’re at a bar son. What do weasels drin...

Life is like a box of chocolate.

I always get the disgusting, alcoholed-filled one.

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The man and the crocodile

A man walked into a bar that was offering a £10,000 reward for anyone who completed a 3 part challenge. The man was homeless and poor so agreed to the challenge. The bar owner explained all he had to do was 10 shots, then head out back where he had to remove the sore tooth from a crocodiles mouth. F...

I Came Home to my Find my Family Holding an Intervention

"Honey," my wife says, "we're worried about how much you've been drinking as of late. We believe you suffer from alcoholism." I peer down at my usual thirty-pack of beer I pick up every Friday after work. "Sweety, kids, I'm not an alcoholic," I express to my loved ones. "Alcoholics *need* alcohol. I...

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeeper says, "You're on here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse replies, "I don't think I am" and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think, therefore I am'. But to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

I know that alcohol probably won't solve any of my problems...

But it's worth a shot

Why did Alabama raise its drinking age to 34?

They wanted to keep alcohol away from highschools.

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My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol.

He is not a drinker, just shitty at crosswords.

A nihilist, a socialist and a Marxist walks in to a bar and order drinks

"We don't serve alcohol to anyone under 18" says the bartender

A desperate alcoholic drinks varnish...

Sadly, he comes to a terrible end..... but a beautiful finish!

Fun name game

Your Alcoholic name is:


Your first name

\+

Your last name

What do you get when you cross alcohol with an unstable parent ?

Beats me

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A man dies and finds himself in Hell.

He is greeted by Satan.

Satan: Welcome to Hell! Hey, why do you look so glum?

Man: Why do you think I look so glum? I'm in HELL! Isn't it eternal torture?

Satan: Nah, you've got us all wrong. Hell is pretty okay. When you were alive, did you drink?

Man: Yeah, I drank way ...

What is a vampires favorite alcoholic beverage

Blood Lite

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he's going.

“I'm on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body."

The policeman asks, "Really? And who's going to be giving a lecture at this time of night?"

"My wife", was his reply.

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the m...

How many alcoholics does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the lightbulb in place and one to drink until the room spins.

What do you call a virtual get together with alcohol?

An airbyob

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store..

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

I've been meeting up with a group of alcoholics who want to get better.

We've found we're much better drinkers when we're all doing it together.

The Cuckoo Clock Mayhem

I was invited for dinner with my old friends.

I swore to my wife that I'd be back at midnight. She didn't believe me, but I still went there.

The meal was very tasty, time flied, my blood was already scarce compared to all of the alcohol and I was extremely drunk. At about 3 AM, I went...

An alcoholic law student walks into a bar. . .

He regretted not passing the bar.

A man in his 60s goes to see the doctor.

I have the jitters, he explains to the doctor, can barely keep a steady hand. What do you drink, asks the doc. Anything you have available, the man answers. No, the doctor interrupts. I mean, do you drink a lot of alcohol? The patient thinks for a sec and then says: No, not a lot. I usually spill mo...

Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy

but the Bible says love your enemy.

What do necrophiliacs and alcoholics have in common?

They both love cracking open a cold one.

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What do you call it when you get so drunk you poop your pants and wake up curled up in the corner like a baby?

Fecal Alcohol Syndrome

My dad is an avid bottle collector.

Well it sounds better than alcoholic.

I'm not an alcoholic.

I'm a drunk. Alcoholics gotta go to those damn meetings.

In 1952 the New York Philharmonic was on a national tour...

...and on their way home from the west coast when their flight was grounded in Kansas due to bad weather.

It had been a long tour and tensions had been running high. A first violin player was a wreck from excessive alcohol consumption, the trumpet section engaged in much infighting due to com...

There is only one fact I gathered from chemistry.

It was that alcohol is always a solution.

A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle lying on the passenger seat.

“Have you been drinking?” The officer asks.

“Just water,” says the priest.

“Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his very young mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent ...

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I was worried my doctor would tell me I was drinking too much alcohol.

Surprisingly, he said I should drink more.

I jumped up and screamed "Fuck yeah!"

He said "...water. Please don't interrupt."

My grandfather killed 43 German pilots during World War 2.

Honestly though it’s on them for making an alcoholic a Luftwaffe mechanic

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Time for a repost.

A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a deer. The deer is about to smoke a blunt. The rabbit looks up at the deer and says, "deer, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come run with me through the forest!"

The deer tosses his blunt aside and t...

I’m ok with cigarettes, alcohol, and even marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

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3 couples die and go to heaven. St Peter is at the gate. He is asking each couple for their names ...

“Bill and Penny” The first couple say.
“I’m sorry but I cannot let anyone in who has a name associated with money” St Peter tells them.
“Jack and Brandy” The second couple say.
“I’m sorry but I cannot let anyone in who has a name associated with alcohol” St Peter tells them.
“Hey Fanny, ...

Have you considered pouring your alcohol into smaller glasses?

You should try, it’s worth a shot.

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies.

*poof*

The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”.

But to explain that joke b...

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They say alcohol makes you horny.

But I can’t even get my dick in the bottle.

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You serve alcohol at a party no one bats an eye

I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit

What's Jesus's favorite alcohol?

While most would say wine, he would be fine with anything as long as he could get hammered.

Why was the ghost an alcoholic?

Because he likes boo's!

When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all of your alcohol when you invite them for dinner?

Invite 2 of them.

In high school I knew we had an alcoholic Mexican English teacher

When she had us read Tequila Mockingbird

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Non-alcoholic drinks....

It’s like licking your sisters pussy. It tastes the same but it’s just not right.

If wine is jesus' blood, doesn't that make blood/alcohol content "blood/blood" content...

...officer.

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Alcohol is gay

Because when you drink it you can't think straight

I read so much about the bad influences of alcohol and sugar, that I've decided...

...to read less.

Why can't any of 7 Dwarfs drink alcohol?

They're miners.

I just read about the dangers of alcohol, and it really scared me.

I'm never reading again!

I can’t remember the last time I drank alcohol

In fact, I can’t quite remember the last four times

Just got in to anonymous alcoholic club

It has been four days im getting drunk with people I dont know.

What do you call an alcoholic hobbit?

A hobbitual drinker.

I use to be an alcoholic

I still am but I use to be too.


One of my Mitch Hedberg favorites.

I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of February.

edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of February.

New study finds that most car accidents happen when men have been drinking alcohol.

Because their women are the designated drivers.

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"Have you tried saying no to alcohol?" my therapist asked me.

"Yes I did but they don't wanna hear any of it"

Alcoholic

I was reading an article the other day which said if you are drinking alcohol everyday you might be an alcoholic!

Thank god, I drink only every night!

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What did they tell Ted when he kept drinking alcohol instead of caring for his wife?

You're a dick Ted.

I hate people who take drugs and alcohol

Really wanted to punch that guy at airport security :/

Where to Canadian alcoholics go to sober up?

Eh Eh

I refuse to give any of my money to the homeless for two reasons. 1) They are just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol.

2) I need it for drugs and alcohol.

What happens when you cross alcoholism and books of literary merit?

Tequila Mockingbird

Alcohol does not make you fat, it makes you lean.

Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally ugly chicks.

A ghost walks up to a non-alcoholic bar.

“Get out of here,” said the bartender. “We don’t serve spirits!”

Two Alcoholics gets in a bar fight

He lost

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can not handle their alcohol.

Last night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.

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At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

Got an alcoholic pregnant the other day...

I came in cider

What would you call Buzz Lightyear if he was an alcoholic?

Buzzed Allyear

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A drug addict, an alcoholic and a cronic smoker die in a car crash

Three of them face the ultimate judgement. They'd have been sent to hell but turns out they did their share of good in their lives. So they face the last test. The alcoholic is given a bottle of Brandy, the drug addict given the stuff he digs and the smoker given a pack of cigarettes. Each of them a...

My alcoholic girlfriend got pregnant recently and it was really tough to find a 12 step plan for her

But then i remembered my mom's house has a pretty big staircase.

What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?

SlamDrunk!

They say alcohol isnt the answer.

But chemistry says it is a solution.

Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.

Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

What do you call an alcoholics drug dealing career?

Whiskey business

What's the favourite drink of a dyslexic who has not yet admitted that he's an alcoholic?

Jack Denieals

An alcoholic wakes up in jail.

He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking," replies the officer.

"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"

What do a necrophiliac coroner and an alcoholic office manager have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one at work

My friend is a recovering alcoholic.

"As long as people stop reminding me about alcohol, I'll be fine," he declared.

"Yeah!" I said, "That's the spirit!"

There are 70 ways to keep a man happy, first Is alcohol

Second is 69

I was at a party and there was a big bowl of mixed alcohol and fruit juice, with a long line of brain surgeons, rocket scientists, and Nobel prize winners all queuing up to drink it...

...I thought what a great punch line.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.

So she gets a divorce.

What's the difference between a stoner and a alcoholic?

An alcoholic will run a stop sign while a stoner will wait for it to turn green

I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink when it's a friend's birthday.

On a side note are you on Facebook?

I'm in desparate need of an alcoholic drink.

Well, I don't really need to worry, then; I've just come to the punch line.

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