This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

Alcohol doesn't solve problems

But neither does juice

Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic.

AAA: This is AAA, not AA.

Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.

After years of drinking, I can say that alcohol cures obesity and bad looks

Not in me, but in people I look at

I don't drink alcohol for religious reasons.

I drink it for other reasons.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am trying to quit alcohol and I was told to write I will not come home drunk. Here is my progress.

Day 1 "I will not come home drunk."

Day 2 "I will not home come drunk"

Day 3 "I will no hoe come drunk"

Day 4 "I will hoe come drunk"

Day 5: "Will I hoe com drink?"

Day 6: "I will drink cum hoe?"

Why was it the Russians that made alcohol out of potatoes instead of the Irish?

Because we'll make alcohol out of anything, except our potatoes. Our potatoes are sacred.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alcoholism is gay

Because you can’t think straight

What do you call blessed alcohol?

The holy spirit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[At the therapist] Man: Doc, I think I have finally overcome my weird fear that I’m being constantly chased by alcohol bottles.

Doctor: That’s the spirit!

Man: Holy shit! Where?

How do you describe your jewish friend who makes alcohol?

He Brew

A man tries to smuggle alcohol into Canada..

The Border Police weren't having Nunavut

What's a Canadians favourite alcoholic beverage?

A mi-moose-a!

I don't drink alcohol anymore

But I don't drink alcohol any less either

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man smelling of alcohol and weed sat next to a priest on a bus.

The man’s clothes were ragged and dirty, there was pink lipstick on his collar, and an almost empty bottle of rum stuck out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

A few minutes later he turned to the priest and said, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthr...

Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary....

However, I looked it up on Whiskeypedia and learned, if you drink too much, its likely Tequilya.

Alcohol's cool and all but have you ever had someone care about you?

Me either pass the bottle

I'm not sure if I'm an alcoholic or a necrophiliac....

I just like to crack open a cold one every once in a while...

I used to be a high functioning alcoholic.

Then I gave up weed.

Drinking alcohol slowly turned me into an emotional mess.

So I started drinking it faster.

Had an alcohol free beer today

It's like eating out your sister, tastes the same, but you know it's not right

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to an AA meeting, introduces herself, "I've been through three relationships now and I just can't handle it anymore. My pussy is killing me." Someone interrupts and says, "I'm sorry, what does this have to do with your problem with alcohol?"

"What problem with alcohol? I just can't seem to give up the hard lickers!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The government has decided to ban all alcohol adverts on pornography websites

When asked, an official commented:

'We made this decision for the wellbeing of the kids who watch it'

I am so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol.

The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the taxi.

Did you hear about the alcoholic medium?

He made all the spirits disappear.

A nun stood outside a tavern, scolding patrons as they entered about the evils of alcohol...

One gent stops to discuss the matter:

“See here, Sister- it’s really not fair for you to stand there and scold people on a subject on which you yourself have no experience. I mean- have you ever even tried alcohol? Even once?”

“Most certainly not!” the nun says, blushing.

“We...

Why can’t alcoholics become lawyers?

They can’t pass the bar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an alcoholic man in a village

So he seeked help from the village's only doctor.
-"Tell me about your problem", said the doc.
-"I just can't stop drinking and nothing can help me, I am an alcoholic", said helplessly the man.
- "I will fix that!", said the doc and started fucking the alcoholic in the ass.
After it was ...

Drinking a non-alcoholic beer is like eating out your sister

It tastes the same but something isn’t quite right

(Sorry this is a joke my Dad used to tell me constantly)

How do you call an alcoholic that doesnt admit the addiction?

Jack Denials

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to have a drug/alcohol evaluation today...

The therapist said my alcohol was pretty good but my drugs were terrible.

Jesus was an alcoholic

The mans BAC was so high his blood was mistaken for wine. The hangover was so bad he was out for three days.

What is Jupiter's favorite alcoholic beverage?

Ganymead.

What it the lifespan of an alcoholic?

It depends on the liver.

I think I might be an alcoholic.

Everytime I get happy I just get this sudden urge to take ibuprofen and chug water.

I was 7 years sober, no alcohol, no cigarettes, no betting, and then...

...I started primary school.

What would an alcoholic Harper Lee have written ?

Tequila Mockingbird

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sexist, an alcoholic, and a drug addict walk into a bar

The bartender says: hey aren't you that horse from Horsin' Around?

A son asked his dad, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?'

The dad replied, "Well, son, you see those four trees? An alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol.

He doesn’t drink, it’s just that he’s really bad at crossword puzzles.

My city decided to ban alcoholic drinks

Our health department started reporting 0 cases of corona

I once new a woman who actually served alcohol when she lived in a convent.

She was the best bar nun.

How can you tell if someone Amish is an alcoholic?

They keep falling off the wagon.

I am ok with alcohol, cigarettes, and even marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

Have you ever tried drinking so much alcohol, your wife makes sense?

Me neither, but I keep trying...

So 2 alcoholics walk into a bar

Or was it 3? I’m not sure who was there or what happens next, ask my friend, he drank waaaaaay less than me

I come from a long line of alcoholics.

My gene pool has a swim-up bar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I read an article that says if you drink everyday, you are an alcoholic...

Thank fuck I only drink at night.

What type of mixed drink is great for alcoholic readers?

Tequila Mockingbird

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An alcoholic having marital problems bc of his drinking..

Goes to the bar and gets so drunk he pukes all over himself. Lamenting that his wife will leave him bc of this, a guy at the bar says "just say someone else puked on you, and that they put a $20 in your shirt pocket to cover the cleaning". Oh what a great idea!

So the drunk returns home, an...

My friend always brags about being able to turn cake into alcohol

He must be a fungi at parties...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make root beer alcoholic?

Put it in a squared glass.

The best thing about using alcohol hand gel isn’t just the hygiene, it's that everyone walks around now looking like they’re...

...about to hatch a dastardly plan...

I bought a two weeks supply of Alcohol for the quarantine.

For the second time this week.

My doc warned me "no more alcohol"......

But I begged "can't live without it, please don't do this to me"

Seeing the tears rolling down my eyes, he sympathetically said "Ok.. just a small one before going to bed"


That night.... I went to bed about 10 times!

What do you call an alcoholic college kid?

Wasted potential.

Alcohol is a gift

That’s why it’s called depressant

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died. "All right, son." asked the father, "what does that show you?"

"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

A man gets arrested for selling alcohol without a permit. He gets a lawyer who tells to not to worry, he’s got a fool-proof defense. The day of the trial arrives, and the lawyer address the jury. “Ladies and gentlemen, take a good long look at my client...

...do you think, if he had even a drop of alcohol in his possession, that he would sell it?”

There are 70 things that will make a man happy, number 1 the alcohol...

69 the rest.

The local journalist heard about a man turning 100 years old who had never had any alcohol in his life.

The journalist decided to interview him to highlight the health benefits of abstaining.

On the day of the interview the journalist is led into the old man's house by his caregiver. The caregiver took him to the old man who was bedridden and hooked up to an oxygen tank.

"So you've never...

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila Mockingbird

I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January.

Edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of January.

Has anyone heard about the cemetery for alcoholics?

It's haunted by spirits.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teetotal guy talking to his alcoholic mate.

Him: How many do you drink in a day?

Mate: I don't know, maybe 20.

Him: That's probably about $25. per day, so over 10 days $250.
And over 365 days that's $9,125 per year. So over the course of 20 years, that's $182,500. This could have bought you a luxury yacht.

Mate: Do you...

I thought I might be an alcoholic, so I did some research. It turns out the first sign of alcoholism is denial...

So I guess I'm not an alcoholic.

When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

AquaMan + Alcohol

Q: Why does AquaMan drink?

A: He’s an Ethyl MerMan.

What’s the hardest thing for an alcoholic law student to do?

Pass the bar

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits fo their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beer to an alcoholic, is like an orgasm to me.

If I've gone a while without one, I'll take anything that comes my way.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint

The bartender says “You know, you’re in here pretty often, do you think you might be an alcoholic?”
The horse says “I don’t think I am..” and promptly disappears from existence.

See this was a joke about Descarte’s famous philosophy line “I think therefore I am” but if I had explained that...

Alcoholics don't run in my family

They stumble around and break stuff

How can you tell if someone spiked your chocolate pie with alcohol?

The proof is in the pudding.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One time i was at a bar

A lady asked me if alcoholics run in my family

i said "No but they stumble around and break shit"

A drunk man smelling of liquor sat down on a subway...

A drunk man smelling of liquor sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's shirt had stains all over it, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began to read.

After a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Muslim, a Christian and a Jew walk into a bar

A Muslim, a Christian and a Jew walk into a bar. The barman looks up at them and says they only have alcoholic drinks today.

"Then I shall have to leave," States the Muslim "I am not allowed to drink alcohol due to my religion."

"I shall also have to leave," Says the Christian "I am of...

Mikhail Gorbachev started an anti-alcohol campaign in USSR in 1980s. People went crazy because of the restrictions on selling of alcohol. An old Soviet joke went like this:

“A disaffected and angry citizen, fed up of standing in lines for vodka, decided to go assassinate Gorbachev. He soon came back and ruefully reported that the lines to assassinate Gorbachev were even longer than the lines for vodka.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle lying on the passenger seat.

“Have you been drinking?” The officer asks.

“Just water,” says the priest.

“Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

Alcohol

I would’ve never imagined my hands would consume more alcohol than my liver.

An American, a German and a Chinese got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia

So for the terrible crime, they were all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping .."

The German was first in lin...

What does necrophilia and alcoholism have in common?

The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.

Why did the alcoholic beverage stab the woman?

Tequila

Why do astronauts always sit one chair apart from eachother when drinking alcohol?

Because they're at a space bar.

People tell me "Alcohol isn't a solution"

But why should I listen to someone who clearly flunked chemistry?

Bob calls his job foreman on Monday morning and says “I cannot come to work today. I’m a very sick man”.

The foreman replies “this is 2 Monday’s in a row that you’ve called out saying you’re sick. Do you have a drinking problem?”

Bob responds “I’m not an alcoholic. But my brother in law is. And for the last few weeks he’s been drinking too much and hitting my sister. So she comes to my house to ...

What's the difference between alcohol and water in Russia?

Just a single letter.

I got pulled over a while back.

The officer asked “any drugs or alcohol tonight?” I’m not sure what reply he was looking for but it sure wasn’t “no thanks, I’m already wasted.”

Why didn't the alcoholic became a comedian?

Because he couldn't stand up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did hitler never drink alcohol?

Because alcohol kills germs

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies.

*poof*

The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”.

But to explain that joke b...

What do you get when you cross alcohol with an unstable parent ?

Beats me

Girl, are you alcohol-based?

'Cause I want you to be my hand rub.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are caught smuggling alcohol into Saudi Arabia

As it's a "dry" country, the men are brought before a judge.

Judge: "Under normal circumstances, the penalty for smuggling is death. However, it's a national holiday and I'm feeling generous, so you'll each receive 20 lashings."

As he says this, his wife approaches the judge and whispe...

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass!

I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

I just read that 6.7% of the world's population have a problem with alcohol.

And I thought "6.7%...That would be a pretty strong beer."

A child mathematic walks into a bar

He asks for a root beer in a square cup. He later Sue's the bar for serving alcohol to a child

I only drink alcohol on days that start with a "T"

Today and tomorrow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my friend brought me to an amusement park...

...and we got onto one of the rides. It was one of those really whirly ones, and afterward we got off and I wanted to throw up. My friend got me a bag to throw up in.

After that, I started feeling dizzy. I told him, and he thought it may have been dehydration. We went to get drinks.

T...

My boss pulled me aside at work one day

And said you're a high functioning alcoholic, I asked him how he knew that I was also high

What do you call a place where marijuana is legal but alcohol isn't?

High and dry.

A friend of mine graduated from law school but became and alcoholic and never got to be a lawyer...

...he just couldn't pass the bar.

I drank a lot of alcohol on the airport last night.

I now have a terminal hangover.

I'm a good muslim

I had one drink of alcohol on my 18th birthday, and have been getting stoned since to repent.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.

So she gets a
divorce.

But Officer, I would never drink alcohol while driving!

I only drink when I'm stopped at a red light.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Big Bang Theory

# Some Background Info

The TV show "The Big Bang Theory" was created by Chuck Lorre. At the end of each episode he inserted a one screen humorous comment.

While season 4 was being produced, the lead actress had a horseback riding accident unrelated to the show which caused her a broke...

I'm giving up alcohol for the duration of this quarantine.

Wait. I wrote that wrong.

I'm giving up. Alcohol for the duration of this quarantine.

A pianist, a dancer and an alcoholic are attending a party

The doorman asks the pianist "what are you here for?", "I'm here to play music" and the doorman directs him to the instruments on stage.

The doorman asks the dancer "what are you here for?", "I'm here to get my groove on" and the doorman directs him to the dance floor.

The doorman asks...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pearly Gates

Three couples are returning from a night out on the town when their car crashes. They all find themselves facing St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.



St. Peter looks at the first man and says, “Steve, it says here in the book that you’ve been a chronic gambler all your life. Your gambling c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oh.. those Marines!

*A Marine walks into a bar and notices a Jar on the counter top with money in it.*

**Marine**: "This is new, what's it for?"

**Bartender**: "Its for our weekly challenge"

**Marine**: "Oh I love challenges, what is it for this week?"

**Bartender**: "Oh this one is a specia...

What do you call it when an authoritarian state bans alcohol?

Teetotaltarianism.

I don't have an addiction to alcohol, alcohol has an addiction to me,

whenever alcohol is with me, it gets drunk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I get pulled over and the officer says “do you have alcohol in the car?

Me: yes officer, do you want some?

Officer: are you trying to bribe me?

Me: no officer, I’m just being friendly

Officer: I don’t know where you’re from, but around here offering an officer alcohol is not friendly

Me: I’m sorry officer. I really think you could use some th...

I really hate drinking alcohol,

but tonight, I'll give it a shot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

A son asks his father, “Daddy, what’s an alcoholic like?”

The dad responds, “Son, do you see those two cars over there? An alcoholic would see four.”
The son says, “But daddy, there’s only one.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is walking up to a pub and is stopped outside by a nun.

"You're not going in there to drink alcohol now are you?" she says.


"Sure am." he replies.


"You know it's a sin right?"


"I'm an atheist."


"Well, what would your parents think?" she asks.


"I'm an orphan."


"Well... You know ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My local sex shop has caused controversy.

They announced they are going to start selling Lager flavored gel that is 5.3% alcohol, for women to rub on their privates in a bid to encourage men to perform oral sex.

Campaigners have condemned the move because of fears it will

lead to 24 hour minge drinking.

I tried a few drugs here and there in my life. Weed, painkillers, alcohol etc.

But when it comes to cocaine I draw the line.

For some people, alcohol is a crutch.

For me, it's a very comfortable hammock, and I see no reason to get out of it.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.