What do you get when you cross alcohol with an unstable parent ?

Beats me

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one

Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy

but the Bible says love your enemy.

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Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle lying on the passenger seat.

“Have you been drinking?” The officer asks.

“Just water,” says the priest.

“Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

What is a vampires favorite alcoholic beverage

Blood Lite

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3 men are caught smuggling alcohol into Saudi Arabia

As it's a "dry" country, the men are brought before a judge.

Judge: "Under normal circumstances, the penalty for smuggling is death. However, it's a national holiday and I'm feeling generous, so you'll each receive 20 lashings."

As he says this, his wife approaches the judge and whispe...

How many members of Alcoholics Anonymous does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has to want to change.

How many alcoholics does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the lightbulb in place and one to drink until the room spins.

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I was worried my doctor would tell me I was drinking too much alcohol.

Surprisingly, he said I should drink more.

I jumped up and screamed "Fuck yeah!"

He said "...water. Please don't interrupt."

I tried a few drugs here and there in my life. Weed, painkillers, alcohol etc.

But when it comes to cocaine I draw the line.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The bar keep says "you're in here pretty often, do you think you're an alcoholic?"

The horse replies "no I don't think I am" and vanishes out of existence.
See the joke is about Descartes' famous quip "I think therefore I am" but to explain that at the beginning of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

I’m ok with cigarettes, alcohol, and even marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

When I drink alcohol people call me an alcoholic but when I drink Fanta...

Nobody calls me or texts me guys I'm lonley

An alcoholic law student walks into a bar. . .

He regretted not passing the bar.

How did the alcoholic climb the mountain?

12 steps at a time.

Alcohol is never the answer...

...but it’s worth a shot.

I've been meeting up with a group of alcoholics who want to get better.

We've found we're much better drinkers when we're all doing it together.

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Alcohol is gay.

Because when you're drunk, you can't think straight.

Have you considered pouring your alcohol into smaller glasses?

You should try, it’s worth a shot.

I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January.

Edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of January.

Alcohol is always a solution

According to chemistry

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They say alcohol makes you horny.

But I can’t even get my dick in the bottle.

If your urine smells like alcohol, you may have a drinking problem

If your urine tastes like alcohol, you definitely do have a drinking problem

A boy asks his father what alcoholism is

The father says, "Well let me explain it this way. See those two trees over there? An alcoholic would say there's four."


The son replies, "But dad, there is only one tree over there."

Why was the ghost an alcoholic?

Because he likes boo's!

I refuse to give money to homeless people. They are just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol.

Also, I need it for drugs and alcohol.

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies.

*poof*

The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”.

But to explain that joke b...

In high school I knew we had an alcoholic Mexican English teacher

When she had us read Tequila Mockingbird

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What do you say an alcoholic jerk named Ted?

You're a dick Ted.

What's Jesus's favorite alcohol?

While most would say wine, he would be fine with anything as long as he could get hammered.

How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all of your alcohol when you invite them for dinner?

Invite 2 of them.

If wine is jesus' blood, doesn't that make blood/alcohol content "blood/blood" content...

...officer.

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Non-alcoholic drinks....

It’s like licking your sisters pussy. It tastes the same but it’s just not right.

I read so much about the bad influences of alcohol and sugar, that I've decided...

...to read less.

I'm not an alcoholic.

I'm a drunk. Alcoholics gotta go to those damn meetings.

Why can't any of 7 Dwarfs drink alcohol?

They're miners.

Just got in to anonymous alcoholic club

It has been four days im getting drunk with people I dont know.

I just read about the dangers of alcohol, and it really scared me.

I'm never reading again!

I can’t remember the last time I drank alcohol

In fact, I can’t quite remember the last four times

Alcohol does not make you fat, it makes you lean.

Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally ugly chicks.

I use to be an alcoholic

I still am but I use to be too.


One of my Mitch Hedberg favorites.

What does an alcoholic cry?

Beerdrops.

Alcoholic

I was reading an article the other day which said if you are drinking alcohol everyday you might be an alcoholic!

Thank god, I drink only every night!

New study finds that most car accidents happen when men have been drinking alcohol.

Because their women are the designated drivers.

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"Have you tried saying no to alcohol?" my therapist asked me.

"Yes I did but they don't wanna hear any of it"

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What did they tell Ted when he kept drinking alcohol instead of caring for his wife?

You're a dick Ted.

A ghost walks up to a non-alcoholic bar.

“Get out of here,” said the bartender. “We don’t serve spirits!”

What happens when you cross alcoholism and books of literary merit?

Tequila Mockingbird

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At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

What do you call an alcoholic hobbit?

A hobbitual drinker.

I hate people who take drugs and alcohol

Really wanted to punch that guy at airport security :/

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can not handle their alcohol.

Last night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.

Two Alcoholics gets in a bar fight

He lost

Got an alcoholic pregnant the other day...

I came in cider

What would you call Buzz Lightyear if he was an alcoholic?

Buzzed Allyear

Where to Canadian alcoholics go to sober up?

Eh Eh

They say alcohol isnt the answer.

But chemistry says it is a solution.

What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?

SlamDrunk!

My alcoholic girlfriend got pregnant recently and it was really tough to find a 12 step plan for her

But then i remembered my mom's house has a pretty big staircase.

Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.

Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

My friend is a recovering alcoholic.

"As long as people stop reminding me about alcohol, I'll be fine," he declared.

"Yeah!" I said, "That's the spirit!"

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.

So she gets a divorce.

What's the favourite drink of a dyslexic who has not yet admitted that he's an alcoholic?

Jack Denieals

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A drug addict, an alcoholic and a cronic smoker die in a car crash

Three of them face the ultimate judgement. They'd have been sent to hell but turns out they did their share of good in their lives. So they face the last test. The alcoholic is given a bottle of Brandy, the drug addict given the stuff he digs and the smoker given a pack of cigarettes. Each of them a...

I was at a party and there was a big bowl of mixed alcohol and fruit juice, with a long line of brain surgeons, rocket scientists, and Nobel prize winners all queuing up to drink it...

...I thought what a great punch line.

What do you call an alcoholics drug dealing career?

Whiskey business

There are 70 ways to keep a man happy, first Is alcohol

Second is 69

Honestly, I haven't got a problem with alcohol.

I have a problem without it.

An alcoholic wakes up in jail.

He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking," replies the officer.

"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"

I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink when it's a friend's birthday.

On a side note are you on Facebook?

What's the difference between a stoner and a alcoholic?

An alcoholic will run a stop sign while a stoner will wait for it to turn green

I'm in desparate need of an alcoholic drink.

Well, I don't really need to worry, then; I've just come to the punch line.

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A man dies and finds himself in Hell.

He is greeted by Satan.

Satan: Welcome to Hell! Hey, why do you look so glum?

Man: Why do you think I look so glum? I'm in HELL! Isn't it eternal torture?

Satan: Nah, you've got us all wrong. Hell is pretty okay. When you were alive, did you drink?

Man: Yeah, I drank way ...

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

Whats rhe difference between ab alcoholic, and a lawyer?

A law degree.

Im Happy To Say Im Officially 16 years free of drugs and alcohol!

Come celebrate at my sweet 16 birthday bash tomorrow.

Lots of booze

I asked an alcoholic friend why he never shut his curtains.

I asked an alcoholic friend why he never shut his curtains, turns out he loves natural light.

A socialist, a nihilist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks

"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.

Alcohol removes pimples and warts.

Not from me. From the people I look at.

I used to think that alcohol would help me get through my problems

It didn't help me solve anything. it was really just a solven't.

A sodomizer, an alcoholic, a thief and a drug addict await judgment in Hell...

The gatekeeper of Hell says, "Each of you are here because you let your addiction get the best of you. But I'm giving all of you a second chance, prove me wrong and I will drag you back to Hell!". Just like that the sodomizer, alcoholic, businessman and drug addict are teleported back to Earth.
...

- My wife struggles with alcoholism

- Does she drink?
- No, I drink.

I’m currently in a recovering alcoholics program in North Carolina.

But to keep it short, I just tell people I’m in the NCAA.

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

If a bar runs out of alcohol

If a bar runs out of alcohol, there is no pint in going to the bar.

Why is it difficult for alcoholics to become lawyers?

It’s hard for them to pass the bar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Drinking non alcoholic beer is like giving oral sex to your sister

It tastes similar, But you know it's wrong.

How did the sniper get drunk even though he was nowhere near any alcohol?

It was those long distance shots

My wife's husband, is an alcoholic

I love that guy!

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person's walk...

And the result was staggering.

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My father’s answer to everything was alcohol.

He wasn’t a drunk. He was just shitty at Trivia.

Alcoholics should become unfunny comedians

all the free boos they could ask for

I read the directions to get a sticky residue off a window, it told me to try alcohol

So I drank a 5th of scotch and the damn thing is still on the window

Conversation between an interviewer and an alcoholic

Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

Man: Yes.

Interviewer: How much a day?

Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.

Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?

Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.

Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?

...

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he's going.

“I'm on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body."

The policeman asks, "Really? And who's going to be giving a lecture at this time of night?"

"My wife", was his reply.

The Evils of Alcohol . . .

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”...

Non Alcoholic Beer

It's like going down on your first cousin. It might taste the same, but that doesn't make it right.

My parents claim I'm using alcohol as a crutch

I told them to stop being naive, crutches help you walk

I fermented a bible and tried to make liquor, but to my frustration , it's non-alcoholic

Turns out it has 0 proof

Why is Newton the most alcoholic scientist ?

Because there are 10 N/cm² in a bar.

My dad was an alcoholic

He read a sign that said "Drink Canada Dry!" so he left and hasn't been back since.

(Old joke, I know)

I was determined to get rid of my alcohol addiction without anyone´s help.

Ended up making things worse as I was drunk and self-driven.

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