UPJOKE
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Which 5 birthdays are a males major milestones and why?

16 because it’s the first time they can legally drive.
18 because it’s the first time they can legally be called an adult.
21 because it’s the first time they can legally drink alcohol.
35 because it’s the first time they can legally run for the office of President of the US.
36 because ...

My alcoholism is really screwing up my law career.

Every time I try to pass the bar...

I just go in.

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The week in jail

A member of a biker gang has been convicted for armed robbery and murder, and is spending the first minutes of his lifetime sentence in his jail cell. Even though he is an extremely tough guy, not afraid of anything or anyone, he is having quite some difficulty controlling his tears when all of a su...

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey...

The bartender gives him one, looks at him head to toe, and asks, "So, what did you dress up for this Halloween?"

The man replies, "A nine-carbon chain".

The bartender chuckles and says, "A nine-carbon chain with alcohol?"

"Yeah, any problem with that?"

"No, nonanol"
...

Where did the drunk owl end up?

Owlcoholics Hoooononymous.

Ironically my ex-wife ended up in rehab for alcohol abuse less than a month after coming up with and telling her this joke.

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2 women go out drinking and after a heavy night and a lot of alcohol, decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Whilst taking the shortcut they both have the urge to pee so they duck down behind the gravestones and pee. They realise they have nothing to wipe with, so the first woman decides to use her pants and leaves them there. The second woman was luckier, she found a bouquet of flowers and unwrapped them ...

Guy walks into a bar and says, “I don’t want to taste alcohol, what should I get?”

Bartender says “COVID”

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The psychiatrist

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

\- "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said,

\- "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to t...

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Three couples on vacation die together in an accident

They ascend to heaven and fly up to the Pearly Gates where St. Peter is waiting for them. The first couple floats up to St. Pete and the husband asks, “St. Peter, do we get into heaven?” St. Peter responds, “Unfortunately, sir, you spent your entire life in the pursuit of money, so much so, that yo...

I met a homeless guy on the streets today who was asking for money.

I had 20 dollars with me but I didn't want it to be spent on drugs and alcohol so i gave him all of it.

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A really good one.

A reporter learns that the climate in Weissenbach is supposed to be so healthy that the majority of the population lives to be well over 90 and older. So she sets off there. Once there, she sees three elderly gentlemen sitting on a park bench and approaches them, saying to the first, "May I ask how ...

A drunk man who smelled like beer

sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Sa...

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A man died and found himself in Hell.

As he was walking through hell in despair, he met The Devil for the first time.

Devil asks him: "Hey, fellow. Why are you so desperate?"
Man: "What do you think? I'm in hell."

Devil: "Hell isn't that bad. We're having a lot of fun here. Do you like alcohol?"
Man: "Sure, I l...

The Anteater

An anteater walks into a bar! The bartender, who is extremely famous, asks if he can get him a drink. The anteater responds "noooooo." This surprises the bartender as no one has ever declined a drink before. He decides to ask the anteater if he'd like a basic drink, a rum and coke! The anteater resp...

What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?

They both enjoy cracking open a cold one.

They say rubbing alcohol fixes outside wounds, so what fixes inside wounds?

Drinking alcohol!

So apparently drinking alcohol is illegal now.

Just got pulled over for it.

Why is heaven hard for alcoholics?

Because they're surrounded by Spirits.

I drink alcohol without hesitation, but drugs,

…drugs is where I draw the line.

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My local sex shop has caused controversy.

They announced they are going to start selling Lager flavoured gel that is 5.3% alcohol, for women to rub on their privates in a bid to encourage men to perform oral sex.

Campaigners have condemned the move because of fears it will

lead to 24 hour minge drinking.

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True story

It was my 420th day alcohol free and I was making cannabutter this weekend (Thank you, r/stopdrinking) Used my stone tray to decarboxilate a couple ounces. Washed tray, put it away. Fast forward. Used the tray to cook supper tonight. Could not figure out why we were high. Mystery solved: baked potat...

A mother was teaching his child about the side-effects of alcohol.

She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

She says "I want you to see this."

She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.

She then says, feeling that she has made ...

Alcoholic

An alcoholic goes to the the store to buy some whiskey. He tucks the bottle under his jacket and stumbles out the door. As he is stumbling thru the streets he gets hit by a car. He falls to the ground and feels something wet on his side. He puts his hand inside his jacket to see what it is. He pulls...

A lad named Jack confronts his alcoholic father

“You stupid old man, our last name is Inoff you did this on purpose!”

His father replies “Nah I named you after Jack Daniels. But that’s pretty damn funny too!”

One day a son asked his dad

"Dad, who is an alcoholic?"

The father replied, "Do you see those two ships? An alcoholic would feel like he is seeing 4 of them."

Son replied, "But dad, there is only one ship."

I found $10 on the sidewalk and thought, "Should I keep it for myself? Should I give it to that homeless guy over there?" But I decided I didn't want this money to be wasted on alcohol...

So I gave it to the homeless guy.

An alcoholic priest and a fornicating nun were having a lively conversation as they walked into a bar.

The rabbi behind them saw it in time to duck.

There are 24 hours in a day... and 24 beers in my fridge. Coincidence?

No, I'm just an alcoholic.

Alcohol

Once Nasrudin was teaching his son the first lessons of drinking. So he told him... The son was asking, he was curious. He asked that, "When is one to stop?" Nasrudin said, "Look at that table. Four persons are sitting there. When you start seeing eight, stop!" The boy said, "But father, there are o...

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New hire at the winery

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and sa...

Alcohol and Calculus don't mix.

Don't drink and derive.

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Life in the countryside.

A tv reporter was tasked to go to the countryside and make an article about how people live in there. once he arrives, he sees an old man sitting by house in the entrance with a bottle of some alcoholic beverage, he introduces himself to the old man and asks him how is life in that place, the old ma...

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Billy's diagnosis

Billy was just diagnosed with a terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live.

Billy came home and called his son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.” The s...

Police patrol in the Outback

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
...

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An Army major is assigned to a troubled base

After numerous reports of lax discipline and unruly behavior at a particular Army post, a major is assigned to take charge and straighten the place out.

He arrives and indeed, the place is a mess - nobody's shaved, beer bottles everywhere, grubby uniforms, unpolished boots. Outraged, the majo...

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An Alcoholics Anonymous meeting takes place. The presenter completes a demonstration.

He brings out two glasses, a bottle of whiskey, a bottle of water and an earthworm. He pours one glass with water and the other with whiskey. He then drops the worm into the bottle of water, where it wriggles around for a little while, but is ok.

He then picks it up and drops it into the whi...

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down at the counter and starts getting himself really good and drunk. Like, properly pissed. After a while, he feels a certain heaviness in his colon, so he calls over the bartender.

"'Scuse me," he asks blearily. "Where's the bathroom?"

"Oh, it's right down the hall!" the bart...

A kid sees a homeless guy begging on the street,

And gets to chatting with him. The guy is nice enough but obtains from the conversation that the lad is off to put some money in the bank, and asks as the kids gets up to go.

"So, can you spare a few of those dollars, kid?"

"Are you going to use it on drugs?"

"No sir, food a...

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The Drunk and a priest

On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:

"Do you know what arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

"It's a ...

Non-alcoholic beer is like eating out your sister...

...You know it's wrong, but it tastes the same.

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A good wish from Genie!!!

4 friends made their annual monthly meeting. Every 3rd week of each month they go out same bar same time same friday night.

As always they endup pretty drunk and a 3 o'clock in morning they call out this night and start go home. While walking on empty and dark street they were still having f...

No matter how bad your personal situation is - alcohol is never the answer

Alcohol is the question, and "yes" is the answer.

Why did the alcoholic tell bad jokes at the comedy club?

He did it for the boos.

The drunk driver

The traffic cop has parked outside the bar and is looking for drunk drivers.
At closing time he spots one who leaves the bar, staggers a few times, and walks to his car.
He searches for his keys for five minutes, finds them, and searches for another five minutes to find the keyhole. Meanwh...

When a basketball player never misses a shot, he's a god...

When I never miss a shot, I'm an 'alcoholic'.

I was recently dumped by a girl that has a lisp.

I've just received a text from her saying: "Was thinking of you when I bought some highly alcoholic green liquid."

Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

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The Man who could only Drink Milk

I know an old man who had lived a life full of adventure, but his health started to catch up with him. He'd run the Boston Marathon, was an avid surfer, and climbed Everest, but he'd started to have abdominal pains around his 85th birthday and went to see a doctor. Sadly, he ultimately was diagnosed...

If a pregnant woman drinks alcohol...

... can she be charged with serving a minor?

What's the difference between alcohol and QAnon?

Alcohol kills less braincells.

Tim the Chicken

Tim was a nervous chicken.

He rarely went out in public and spent the majority of his life trying to blend in to the background.

And this devotion to anonymity followed Tim through his entire childhood and adolescence.

As Tim approached his eighteenth birthday, his one friend,...

A drunk and a Preacher

A drunk stumbling through the woods comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He walks out into the water and bumps into the preacher. Almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, the preacher asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So, the preach...

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I Just read an article about the dangers of alcohol and it scared the shit out of me

Thats it no more reading

An employee buys his boss a bottle of liquor to celebrity his anniversary.

The boss goes, “I haven’t bought alcohol in 15 years. I’m 15 years *free.*”

The employee quickly apologizes and says, “I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to break your sobriety!”

The boss responds, “Sobriety? No I just have been stealing alcohol for 15 years and drinking it for free.”

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I once read an article...

I once read an article that said that regular masturbation helped reduce the risk of prostate cancer.

But I have a friend who told me that drinking alcohol can *increase* the risk of prostate cancer.

That's why now every time I drink a beer, I rub one off.

I just wish the barten...

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Three Russian alcoholics gather for a drink.

They pour each one a glass of vodka and drink half of it in one go. One of them, when he puts down his drink, doesn't see his buddies, but sees St. Peter surrounded by holy light.

“I can't die yet! I haven't even finished this glass!” - the alcoholic cries.

“Okay” says St. Peter. “I ...

Non alcoholic beer is like a vibr@tor without the batteries.

It fills you up nicely, but without the buzz.

This past year has been a sad one. It would have been my Mother's 60th Birthday, which we would have celebrated with the whole family. But thanks to drugs, alcohol, and a whole lot of bad decisions...

We all forgot to show up.

Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches...

When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you've had enough.

the difference beetween drinking in the US and the UK.

If you had 3 glasses of wine in the US, some might call you an alcoholic.
If you had 3 glasses of wine in Brittain, you're the designated driver.

What do you get when you mix American Literature and alcohol?

Tequila Mockingbird

What do alcoholics and bikers have in common?

RumRUuumRUMRUMRUUUUUM

There are two reasons I never give money to the homeless. 1 - they are just doing to spend it on drugs and alcohol

2 - I need that money for drugs and alcohol

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The voodoo dildo

An old joke probably a repost, one of the few jokes I remember.

A woman went to town for shopping and she found this newagey shop. Curious she went in and looked around when she saw this huge dildo sitting in a corner behind some stuff. She asked the shopowner about it and he told her it's a ...

My alcoholic friend says beer has made him a psychic

He calls himself "Bud the Wiser"

Me: "Can I buy you a drink?"

Date: No thanks! Alcohol is bad for my legs. "

Me: "Do they swell?"

Date: "No. They spread."

People keep telling me that alcohol isn't a solution

but I've asked my chemist friends and they all reassure me that it is.

A guy walks into a New York bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him three beers and says, "You know, it's pretty slow right now. You don't need to order three beers at once. You can just order one and I'll keep an eye on you if you need another."

The guy responds, "Oh no, that's not it. You see I 've got two brothers. One lives in...

Sin

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!...

Dreamworks has announced a new film exploring Hiccup's descent into depression and alcoholism after saying goodbye to Toothless.

It's called *How to Drain Your Flagon.*

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There was once a Japanese man named Fuk

Perhaps due to his unfortunate name, and the trouble it brought, he had a great love of alcohol, particularly the rice wine Sake. Every day he would drink an entire bottle from his special stash that was rumoured to contain hundreds upon hundreds of bottles.

Tragedy struck however, upon finis...

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Not to brag, but we did a lot experiments with drugs, sex, and alcohol when I was in college.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

What's the difference between a drunkard and an alcoholic?

A drunkard doesn't have to attend any stupid meetings.

Alcoholic, women lover and weed smoker go to hell

The Satan says them: "you can get out if you'll spend 100 years in a room with your main addictions".

He shows the alcoholic a room with lots of alcohol. Alcoholic says: "ok, i'll spend 100 years here".

Then he shows a women lover a room with beautiful young women.
He says "ok, i'll...

A Redditor became a chemist and decided to seek his fortune making breath mints.

He made one set of mints that were saturated in caffeine. It made him a significant amount of money but people complained about being a little too agitated by them.

He followed up with a heavily alcoholic variety, which was very well received and made him millions, but which had the unfortuna...

An old drunk is on his way into a bar when a nun standing outside the bar suddenly speaks to him

“Your drinking is the easy road to evil and damnation. Drink will pollute your body and soul. Give up the foul spirits and live a better life!”.

The drunk looks at her and asks “How do you know that drinking is so bad for you?”.

The nun looks puzzled and shrugs. The drunk says “Have yo...

Date

A drunk walks into a drugstore and asks for a bottle of mouthwash.

"I’m not selling you that," says the druggist. "You’ll drink it for the alcohol and get sick outside my door!"

"Not true!" insists the drunk. "I have my first date in over a year, and I want to make a good impression."<...

Priest: Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.

Alcoholic - Really? What about the guy who sells the liquor? Priest - He will also go to Hell. Alcoholic - Ok, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and put's out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store? Priest - She too will go to Hell. Alcoholic - In that case, I have no problem going ...

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To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a fast food worker and an alcoholic,

Fuck you that just was a lucky guess.

An alcoholic walks into a bar.

What did you expect?

What's the difference between growing up and becoming a parent?

Growing up is realizing alcohol is not neccessary to have a good time.

Becoming a parent is realizing having a good time is not neccessary for needing alcohol.

Alcohol, tobacco and firearms

That shouldn't be the name for a government agency, that should be the theme of a store.

What's the difference between an alcoholic and a necrophile?

One cracks open a cold one and one opens a cold one's crack

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The Sami temperature scale

(ed: the Sami are an indigineous people living in the northern parts of Scandinavia, also called Lapland)

+10°C: Inhabitants of Helsinki turn off the heat. The Sami plant flowers.

+5°C: If the sun rises over the horizon, it's sunbathing time for the Sami

+2°C: Italian cars won't...

The Story of Chekhov's Gun

A man brought his date back to his apartment.

"And this is my apartment. Would you like some alcohols? My roommate, Chekhov, has a whole bunch of alcohols. He likes to buy them."

"No thanks," said the woman who was wearing a red scarf.

"He also has a gun that is usually right th...

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An Irishman is walking home in Belfast, after a long day of alcohol filled festivities

His walk proves to be longer than he anticipated and nature starts calling. He keeps walking, hoping he'll make it home but he can't hold it in anymore. He looks around but can't see a place to conceal his inevitable colon loaf. He stops in the middle of the footpath, lowers his trousers, squats dow...

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as a volunteer medical assistant I worked at an impromptu doctor's office in new orleans after hurricane katrina..

We set up tents in order to give our patients a little bit of privacy and unfortunately we were lacking in the equipment we needed. The doctors had to resort to somewhat extreme measures in order to help this ravaged population which meant reusing equipment that could be, and making sure everything ...

two clean Irish jokes

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper
and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
...

A young man was sitting outside a pub...

....having a drink and generally feeling good about life when out of absolutely nowhere he was struck across the face by a newspaper wielded by a furious nun. She began sounding off to him about the evils of drink.

"How dare you, you scoundrel! Have you no shame?! Drinking is a sin! Alcohol i...

A man accomplishes his life-long dream of becoming a stand-up comedian

However, he does not find any success in the field. His jokes are poor and quite predictable. So, after a couple of weak performances, he quits comedy. Frustrated, he punches at a punching bag, and finds it weirdly satisfying. So, he decides to take up a career in professional boxing as a means to f...

Eminem is working as a bartender when he notices his alcoholic friend walk in.

He orders a drink, so Eminem reluctantly pours him one.

When he's done, he asks Eminem for another serving.

Eminem slams his hands on the bar and tells him, "You only get ONE SHOT."

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What do a dyslexic alcoholic and a sex addict have in common?

They both love going to the bra.

Drink

A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober.
He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!"

The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he r...

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A man walks into a bar...

The bar tender pours him a glass, when suddenly his drink starts talking to him.

“Go back to your family you filthy alcoholic.” the drink shouts.

The man stares. Stunned, he asks “You can talk?!”

“Yeah I can talk!” The drink says “Take it you’re a bright one.”
“I beg your...

Alcoholism

Doctor: "Do you suffer from Alcoholism?"

Patient: "No, I actually enjoy it quite a lot."

A study into the impact of minimum unit pricing of alcohol in Scotland found it did not cause major bulk buying across the border in England.

Mainly because the off-licenses wouldn't take Scottish notes.

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

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A nun is walking down the street at night ...

And sees a drunk man staggering her way. She silently asks "please God, protect this poor soul". The drunk staggers closer, then out of nowhere punches the nun square in the nose! She drops, then slowly gets up and says "please God, forgive this man, it's the alcohol demon over him". She gets to he...

British people are like coconuts

Hard on the outside, but sweet once you crack us.

Also often found full of alcohol and holding an umbrella.

Those who are afraid of gaining weight, should drink a shot of whiskey before every meal…

alcohol reduces fear.

The churches in town were all suffering from a squirrel problem.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they certainly should not interfere with God’s will.

 
At the Baptist church, the squirre...

A reporter is interviewing a man on his 110th birthday.

She asks him how he did it, and he says he never raises his voice, indulges in alcohol, uses foul language or fornicates.

Just then there's a loud crash and curse and scream from an adjoining room. The reporter asks the man what's going on back there? The man says, oh that's nothing, it's pr...

A man walks into a bar when a nun sees him

"you are just a sad man, the Lord probably doesn't love you because you are a drunk" said the nun

"One beer, I was just going in for ONE beer, also what do you know, maybe drinking is not that bad after all" replied the man

"getting drunk is a sin, drinking little alcohol always lead...

Africans arrested in Saudi Arabia

A Togolese, Nigerian and a Ghanaian were arrested for drinking alcohol in Saudi Arabia.


The three of them were dragged in front of one of the princes, who said:


“You will get 50 lashes for the consumption of alcohol. However, since you are foreigners and did not know about the ...

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Someone kept telling me I should go to an Alcoholics meeting

I said fine, I'll try it out.

We all sat down in a room. Catering was shit, the place was dry but luckily I brought my own stuff.

Everyone took turns complaining about their lives or bragging about how well they're doing.

Turned out to be a religious recruitment program so I got...

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Do Alcoholics run in your family?

No, but they stumble around the break shit.

Before they drink they are pensive, but when they are drunk and break shit they are ex-pensive

I’ve discovered that alcohol contains female hormones

After drinking you can’t drive, you never stop talking and have to sit while peeing.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife...

True quote from Tallulah Bankhead

“Daddy warned me about men and alcohol, but he never said a word about women and cocaine.”

Some people say elephants love alcohol because they love the taste…

but I think it’s because they drink to forget.

The local town drunk stumbles into the doctor's office

"Doc, I don't feel so good lately.." he says, "You gotta tell me what's wrong."

The doctor looks him over and asks, "Have you been drinking today?"

"No, Doc. I was feeling sick so I didn't drink like I usually do." he replies.



"Oh, I think I know what the problem is, Geo...

Some people have accused me of being an alcoholic...

I tell them that's absolutely not true! I'm a deadbeat drunk. Alcoholics go to those stupid meetings just to boast about how proud they are of being quitters!

Doctor: "Alcoholism is a disease."

Bartender: "Get your shots here."

My friend has a really inspirational story.

He used to be a cop, but after a while the job really got to him. He was an alcoholic for a long time, and a particular thing for strong, dark beers.

Eventually though, my friend decided to make a change. He went to therapy, quit drinking, and he even quit his job to pursue his real passion....

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A Man Dies And Goes To Hell

He begins to cry.


Devil: why are you crying?


Man: I've been damned for all eternity.


Devil: oh it's not that bad, we spend our days living out life's sins. Do you like smoking?


Man: I love smoking.


Devil: well every Monday we smoke all sorts of ...

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A man and a woman are having a conversation.

Woman: "I got divorced recently."

Man: "Oh, how come?"

Woman: "Well, would you live with a person that is messy, lazy an alcoholic, smokes, doesn't help with chores and is overall a total asshole?"

Man: "Of course not!"

Woman: "Well, my husband couldn't either..."

A bartender is thinking of closing early, it's been a slow day.

Just as he's about to start shutting down the bar and sending his staff home, the doors are flung open and a huge crowd of people flood inside. They're all singing and dancing, clearly in a celebratory mood, and it's all the bar staff can do to keep the beers flowing as the party atmosphere hits ful...

Hi, my name is Bob, and I’m an alcoholic

“Sir, this is Triple A, not Alcoholics Anonymous”

“I know, I’m just trying to explain why my car is in a lake.”

Difference between Russia and USA

In Russia they use breathalyzers to check for minimum blood alcohol content

If alcohol can damage your short term memory…

…Imagine the damage alcohol can do

Surround yourself with people who have issues....

People who have issues, always have alcohol.

A horse walks into a bar...

... the bartender said "You're in here a lot, I think you may be an alcoholic." The horse replied, "I don't think I am", and vanished.

See, this is a play on Descartes famous line "I think, therefore I am". I would have explained this before the joke, but that would have been putting Descarte...

A wrestler, the pope, and a horse walk into a bar

The wrestler walks up to the bartender and says, "I'd like 3 drinks for myself and my friends here!"

The pope suddenly says, "I'm sorry, but I can't indulge in alcohol since I'm the pope."

The horse says, "Well, you took me here, but you're not making me drink."

The wrestler s...

A very rich man is having a very big party on the hottest day of the year

The party features a full big band performance and an open bar. In order to fight the extreme heat, the party is littered with large fans running full blast, inadvertantly causing the musicians to tie the sheet music down to their music stands to prevent them from blowing away. Meanwhile, the bass s...

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I was on a train the other day when two Swedish men sat down next to me

The two introduced themselves as Sven and Olf. Olf in particular was wearing a t-shirt with the USSR flag on and boasted a cap with a hammer and sickle on, so I assumed he was an avid communist. I asked them if either of them knew where I could get alcohol on the train, and Olf piped up:

"If ...

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like using a vibrator with no batteries

Sure it fills you up but with none of the buzz.

What is the number one exported alcoholic beverage of the Caymen Islands?

Caymen Cider. I hear it's pretty filling.

I drink a lot of alcohol. A LOT. So I'm doing twelve steps.

I moved to a walking distance from a bar.

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There were once three friends who were absolutely inseparable in high school.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways. One of the friends went on to become a very successful defense attorney. Top of his class at Harvard Law, opened his own firm, made everyo...

A man horse walks into a bar.The bartender says why the long face

The horse says my life has been destroyed by my alcohol addiction and ketamine addiction

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Three preachers and their wives die in a car accident.

They all show up in line at the pearly gates, and the first couple walk up to St. Peter. St Peter says to the first preacher: "You've been pretty good you know, but you loved money so much you married a girl named Penny. You go on down to purgatory for a bit until you're sorry." Second preacher walk...

What kind of car does a sad alcoholic drive?

A Cry-slur.

What do you say to a grouchy alcoholic?

Stop wineing

Where does an alcoholic whith a stutter go to

A a a a a a a a a meeting

Guy got so drunk he blew chunks (vomited)

A bartender overhears a guy in the bar bragging to his friends about how he is going to "tie one on" About 10 minutes later the guy walks up to the bar and asks for a 40 pounder of tequila. The bartender says to him I'll make you a deal, if you drink that whole bottle of tequila before you leave h...

Dave wanted to go hunting for the first time by himself, yet he was afraid that he would get lost.

"I've got an idea!" Dave said. "I'll take this bottle of Jack Daniels with me." (Jack Daniels is a brand alcohol for those of you that don't know.)

He goes on his hunting trip, and before you know it, he gets lost.

Days later, a search party was dispatched to find Dave, but a week pass...

What do alcoholic insects drink?

Molt liquor

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