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3 men are caught smuggling alcohol into Saudi Arabia

As it's a "dry" country, the men are brought before a judge.

Judge: "Under normal circumstances, the penalty for smuggling is death. However, it's a national holiday and I'm feeling generous, so you'll each receive 20 lashings."

As he says this, his wife approaches the judge and whispe...

What’s happens when you cross alcohol with an unstable parent?

BEATS ME

When I drink alcohol people call me an alcoholic but when I drink Fanta...

Nobody calls me or texts me guys I'm lonley

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Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

I tried a few drugs here and there in my life. Weed, painkillers, alcohol etc.

But when it comes to cocaine I draw the line.

I’m okay with cigarettes, alcohol, and even marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

Alcohol is never the answer...

...but it’s worth a shot.

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They say alcohol makes you horny.

But I can’t even get my dick in the bottle.

If your urine smells like alcohol, you may have a drinking problem

If your urine tastes like alcohol, you definitely do have a drinking problem

How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all of your alcohol when you invite them for dinner?

Invite 2 of them.

If wine is jesus' blood, doesn't that make blood/alcohol content "blood/blood" content...

...officer.

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Alcohol is gay

Because when you drink it you can't think straight

I read so much about the bad influences of alcohol and sugar, that I've decided...

...to read less.

Why can't any of 7 Dwarfs drink alcohol?

They're miners.

Alcohol does not make you fat, it makes you lean.

Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally ugly chicks.

I just read about the dangers of alcohol, and it really scared me.

I'm never reading again!

I can’t remember the last time I drank alcohol

In fact, I can’t quite remember the last four times

New study finds that most car accidents happen when men have been drinking alcohol.

Because their women are the designated drivers.

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What did they tell Ted when he kept drinking alcohol instead of caring for his wife?

You're a dick Ted.

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can not handle their alcohol.

Last night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.

What do you get when you mix alcohol and wall painting?

Plastered.

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"Have you tried saying no to alcohol?" my therapist asked me.

"Yes I did but they don't wanna hear any of it"

I hate people who take drugs and alcohol

Really wanted to punch that guy at airport security :/

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a cop pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

The cop says: "Have you been drinking?""Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?

SlamDrunk!

I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January.

Edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of January.

They say alcohol isnt the answer.

But chemistry says it is a solution.

I refuse to give money to homeless people. They are just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol.

Also, I need it for drugs and alcohol.

Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.

Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

There are 70 ways to keep a man happy, first Is alcohol

Second is 69

Honestly, I haven't got a problem with alcohol.

I have a problem without it.

What do Panties and Nail polish have in common?

They both come off with Alcohol.

I'm not trying to get technical on you Mom, BUT.....

 

 

...according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution..

I was at a party and there was a big bowl of mixed alcohol and fruit juice, with a long line of brain surgeons, rocket scientists, and Nobel prize winners all queuing up to drink it...

...I thought what a great punch line.

A nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a hole in the roof of your church."

"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church."

The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman.

The following day the priest is prep...

Alcohol removes pimples and warts.

Not from me. From the people I look at.

What kind of alcohol would sysadmin like?

root beer

If a bar runs out of alcohol

If a bar runs out of alcohol, there is no pint in going to the bar.

I read the directions to get a sticky residue off a window, it told me to try alcohol

So I drank a 5th of scotch and the damn thing is still on the window

My great grandpa once told me alcohol and drugs were the devil.

''Why?'' I asked him.

''Well son,'' he said, ''because Lucifer is a match made in heaven.''

My parents claim I'm using alcohol as a crutch

I told them to stop being naive, crutches help you walk

The Evils of Alcohol . . .

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”...

I was determined to get rid of my alcohol addiction without anyone´s help.

Ended up making things worse as I was drunk and self-driven.

I used to think that alcohol would help me get through my problems

It didn't help me solve anything. it was really just a solven't.

If drinking alcohol causes memory loss,

what does drinking alcohol do?

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My father’s answer to everything was alcohol.

He wasn’t a drunk. He was just shitty at Trivia.

My friends keep encouraging me to give alcohol to my dog

Figured I'd give it a shot

My doctor told me to drink hard alcohol for my depression...

Turns out absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

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I saw a sign in the booze aisle of the supermarket. It said "Alcohol-free"

Fucking bargain, I thought, so I picked up ten bottles of Prosecco.

I'm highly skeptical over the existence of "alcohol-free beer"...

There's literally zero proof.

Why should you not mix alcohol and calculus?

Because you should never drink and derive.

Did you know alcohol helps if you can't sleep?

It doesn't help you sleep, but it makes the lying awake much better!

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person's walk...

And the result was staggering.

Donald Trump doesnt drink alcohol

unless a russian hooker drank it first

Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night . Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene.

It's that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.

I will be doing an alcohol free month...

I guess I'll have to find an alternative to ethanol as a solvent for my capsaicin extractions.

A local anti-alcohol protester walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey and a glass of water

. The bartender, surprised to see the protester in the bar at all, much less ordering alcohol, asks him what he's doing. "Just watch," the protester replies. He drops a worm in the shot of whiskey, and another worm in the water. Within minutes the worm in the whiskey dies. "Now, what does that tell ...

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You tell them you're quitting alcohol, they offer you free drinks.

You tell them you're vegan, they offer you steaks and hamburgers.

You tell them you have no sexual life and ... nobody bats an eye.

I’m currently in a recovering alcoholics program in North Carolina.

But to keep it short, I just tell people I’m in the NCAA.

What professional sport would be more fun to watch if the athletes drank alcohol during?

NASCAR

I use alcohol as a cosmetic.

Applying it to other peoples faces, makes mine look better.

We all know Donald Trump doesn’t drink alcohol. But did you know he won’t drink non-alcoholic beer either?

It’s fake booze.

For some people, alcohol is a problem.

For chemists, it’s a solution.

I have a friend that is allergic to alcohol

Whenever he drinks it he breaks out in handcuffs

Alcohol is a depressant

But not nearly as much as lack of alcohol.

Harper Lee made her own alcohol several decades ago, researchers found out it's called

Tequila Mockingbird.

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Drinking alcohol-free beer..

..is like giving oral sex to your sister. The taste is the same, but deep inside, you know that something is terribly wrong.

I always thought it was weird that my parent's medicine cabinet was also where they stored the alcohol.

I found out later that they were just trying to cure what ales me.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent

It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

After reading a recent study that found that the negative effects of alcohol greatly outweigh the benefits, I’ve decided it’s time for a change in my life.

I’ve decided to give up recent studies.

In what way is the future generation of fortnite dancers like alcohol?

They’re both depressants

When you drink a lot of alcohol, you oversleep, don't remember important things, don't go to work, hallucinate and sometimes even forget that you have a girlfriend or that you're married...

But most importantly, don't forget that drinking also come with negative effects.

I'm not an alcoholic.

Alcoholics go to meetings. I'm a drunk, I go to parties.

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My dads answer to everything was alcohol.

He wasn't a big drinker, he was just shit at crosswords.

Alcohol and cigarettes have warning labels because they are addictive, dangerous, and destroy lives.

And yet women are allowed to just roam around.

I’m absolutely done with friends who can’t handle their alcohol.

The other day not even 3 of them could get me out of the club without dropping me.

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[NSFW] Two men are sitting in a pub, drinking alcohol.

Two men are sitting in a pub, drinking alcohol.
Then, one of them says:
"I fucked your mum."
The second one doesn't react.
The first man says again:
"I said I fucked your mum."
The second one says:
"You are drunk, you'd better go home."
The first man repeats: ...

Our parents say alcohol is our enemy

Jesus tells us to love our enemies...

Alcohol is bad

In a pub a man sees a blonde and sits next to her:

- Can I buy you a drink?

- No thanks, alcohol is bad for my legs.

- Oh, I'm sorry... Do they tend to swell?

- No, they tend to spread!

Alcohol Free Beer

Is a lot like going down on your sister.
 
It tastes the same but it’s just plain wrong.

Worldwide, millions die from alcohol abuse each year....

Its truly a horrible ginocide.

How does yoda feel about extra taxes on alcohol?

Backwards, the sintax is.

May the 4th be with you!

I'm giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn't come out right: I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.

How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol?

Invite two of them.

One day God decided to visit the earth & try some alcohol.

One day God decided to visit the earth & try some alcohol.

So he changed his dress & went to a bar and asked the bartender :- What all do you have..??

Bartender :- We have Whisky, Rum, Vodka, Gin, Beer etc etc.

God :- Let's try Whisky first. Give me a bottle of whisky. ...

I’m working on a top secret project using honey to create alcohol

It’s on a mead to know basis.

How much alcohol does it take to kill a braincell?

Seven chickens.

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There’s a store near my house that sells nothing but basketballs and alcohol.

They call it Rubber Balls and Liquor.

The doctor says to the patient: 'I'm not sure what the problem is sir, but it's probably the alcohol.'

No problem doc, I'll come back when you're sober.

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I don’t need alcohol to have fun

I don’t need running shoes to run either, but if fucking helps

What alcohol do you drink in survival video games?

Craft beers

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A man named Ted is unable to put alcohol down.

His thirst for liquor is unquenchable. All he does every day is drink and drink. Rum, tequila, beer, vodka, he has it all. Doesn't matter how it tastes or looks; he'll down it.

At first it started out at a simple party at Dominc's place. His best bud, Bob, invited him so he couldn't say no. P...

So many people think drugs and alcohol are the answer.

But drugs and alcohol are the question. Yes is the answer.

I went 14 yrs without drinking alcohol or smoking weed

Then I entered high school

If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, what does drinking Fanta make you?

diabetic

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