Alcohol

If alcohol can damage your short term memory imagine the damage alcohol can do

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In an alcohol factory the regular tester died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,”It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.” “...

Hi, my name is Bob, and I’m an alcoholic

“Sir, this is Triple A, not Alcoholics Anonymous”

“I know, I’m just trying to explain why my car is in a lake.”

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To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a construction worker and an alcoholic

Fuck you that just was a lucky guess.

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A sex addict an alcoholic and a chain smoker go to a hypnotist.

The hypnotist tells all three while under hypnosis, if they ever indulge in there vices again they will die immediately after.

On the way back from the hypnotist the 3 men are walking by a bar. The alcoholic can't help himself. He says "fuck it. That guy way full shit. There's no way one ...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

Cracking open a cold one.

"Dad, how do you know if someone is an alcoholic?"

Dad: "You see those cars over there son? An alcoholic would see eight instead of four. "

"Dad, there's just two cars."

Whats an alcoholic motorcycle's favorite drink?

RUUUMrumrumrumrumrumrumRUMRUUUUMMMrumrumrum

What kind of car does a sad alcoholic drive?

A Cry-slur.

Why did the alcoholic go to the doctors office?

Because he thought there would be shots.

Drinking alcohol doesn't solve any problems.

But then again, neither does drinking milk.

People think I don't care about my own well-being because I smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol...

That's not true at all! I just happen to like cigarettes and alcohol. I'll have a cigarette and a beer at the same time, but I'll still be wearing my seatbelt while I do it.

What do you say to a grouchy alcoholic?

Stop wineing

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Its good that the Japanese chef is recovering from his alcohol addiction

He's 2 years soba already.

I'm 35 years old but because I'm an alcoholic who makes bad decisions, I have the liver of a 65-year-old.

I really don't know what to do, but I hope I can find a buyer with connections in the black market or else I'll have to just get rid of it before I get caught..

What is an alcoholics least favorite part of a baseball game?

The bottom of the 5th.

If i drink alcohol im an acholoic

if i drink fanta im fantastic

What do alcoholic insects drink?

Molt liquor

I think I might be allergic to alcohol

I keep breaking out in handcuffs.

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What are the main differences between weed, alcohol, pizza, vagina, an inexpensive car, candy, porn, video games, pointless arguments on the internet and a healthy workout routine?

Well it’s simple really. People that browse r/jokes can acquire weed, alcohol, pizza, an inexpensive car, candy, video games, and pointless arguments on the internet !

What do you call it when your friends offer you weed but refuse to share their alcohol?

being left high and dry

My wife has a serious alcohol problem.

Each time I come home drunk she becomes agitated and sometimes even aggressive.

Why was the alcoholic mathematician arrested by the police?

Drinking and deriving

An alcoholic sees a blonde nurse

An alcoholic walks into a nurses office. The blonde nurse asks "What seems to be the problem?". So the alcoholic says "I've been having a rough, scratchy feeling in my throat lately". She asks "Well that do you mostly eat and drink?". He replies "Mostly scotch". The alcoholic sees the nurses' eyes w...

A priest, an alcoholic, and an engineer are sentenced to death.

They are to be killed by the guillotine.

First is the priest. The executioner says "You can go on the guillotine either face up or face down". The priest says "I want to die face up, looking up to the heavens". So the priest lies face up. The executioner releases the blade; the blade falls ra...

I heard that alcoholism is a big problem in the ghost community…

They are all really into boos

I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

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I have invented a new method for distilling alcohol in your rectum.

It's a little unconventional butt still, it works!

What Is An Alcoholic?

Child: Mum! What is an alcoholic?

Mum: Well, you see the two birds over there. An alcoholic would see four.

Child: Mummy, there is only one bird over there.

My dad was an alcoholic who wanted to be a lawyer.

But he could never pass the bar.

What do you call a fat alcoholic?

A heavy drinker

What's the difference between alcohol and weed?

Five drunk guys will start a fight. Five stoned guys will start a band.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic.

AAA: This is AAA, not AA.

Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.

To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a computer programmer and an alcoholic

SyntaxError: unexpected EOF while parsing

It's my cake day, so I wanna share my favorite joke :-)

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

Alcohol.

Alcohol is not in my "Vodkabulary."

However, I looked it up on "Whiskeypedia."

And learned if you drink too much of it,

it's likely "Tequilya."

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If you only had one beer, you’re not an alcoholic. If you make one song on SoundCloud, you’re not a rapper.

But I have sex with one guy and now I’m gay?

Did you know alcohol in Ireland is better than in Scotland?

Its Dublin size!

I come from a long line of alcoholics.

My gene pool has a swim up bar.

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Brewing company Hart Dickins is catering to its female customer base with a new alcoholic apple cider.

After all, what woman wouldn't want a Hart Dickins cider?

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

Alcohol can cause memory loss.

But, it can also cause memory loss.

I’m not an alcoholic. I only drink on two days out of the year.

My birthday and not my birthday

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I’m at the bar right now (getting food I’m not an alcoholic I promise) and…

There’s these two guys are arguing and one asked “Jerry, howcome you got so many grandkids and I don’t?”

And he answers, “I taught my kids how to multiply”

I fuckin’ lost it

Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?

He drank himself into an earl grey

What do you call an alcoholic Doctor Who monster?

A Ciderman

Doctor told my wife that she cannot touch anything alcoholic for the next three months.

Now I’m not allowed to go near her...

I can quit alcohol at any point I want...

I've already done 3 times before!

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint

The bartender says, " you're in here a lot. Do you think you might be an alcoholic? " The horse says, "I don't think I am, " and promptly vanishes from existence.

See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous philosophical statement, " I think, therefore I am." I could have mentioned that at ...

What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?

Neither one can resist the urge to “crack open a cold one”.

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Why do so many recovering alcoholics dine at Japanese restaurants?

Best place to get Soba.

Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sister...

It tastes the same, but it just isn't right.

Alcohol and calculus don’t mix.

Don’t drink and derive.

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Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.

While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
...

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The difference between a non drinker, a social drinker, and an alcoholic...

The bartender hands a drink to the non-drinker... the non-drinker hands it back and says "uh, there's a fly in it".

The bar tender hands a drink to to the social drinker... the social drinker notices a fly in it, picks the fly out and then proceeds drink it.

The bartender hands a drin...

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine. the doctor tries to persuade them

the extrovert denies

" you won't be able to go to public gatherings anymore"

the extrovert agrees to take it



the alcoholic denies

"you will ha...

What happens when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila Mockingbird

A math student invented a new method of making liquor, using electromagnetics to distill alcohol.

Proof by induction.

If Alkohol negatively affects short-term memory,

then what does alcohol do?

How do you describe your jewish friend who makes alcohol?

He Brew

If drinking too much alcohol makes me an alcoholic

Does drinking too much Fanta make me fantastic?

What's the difference between God and alcohol?

Proof.

The drunk father

"Hey son. Do you know what an alcoholic is seeing?" A father asked his son, Max.

"No," replied Max.

"See those 4 trees? An alcoholic would see 8." The father said.

"But there's only 2," replied Max.

Do alcoholics run in your family?

No, they usually drive.

I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January.

Edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of January.

What’s the most dangerous type of alcohol?

Scotch.

It’s very whiskey.

A circus ringleader and his wife were living with their main act, an alcoholic chimpanzee

The chimpanzee would always do the same thing every day: find the liquor cabinet, drink a few bottles, screech and destroy things for a few hours, and then pass out in a random spot for the rest of the day.

The wife could not stand the chimp, but the ringmaster did not have enough money to f...

LPT: If you get ink stains on a fancy shirt, then Alcohol is your best friend!

Ive learned that alcohol is the best way of dealing with ink stains. When I accidentally left my pens in the pockets of my new shirt during the first wash, they came out with huge blotches of ink all over.


However, after half a bottle of tequila, i couldn't see the stains anymore.
<...

What is comparable to drinking a non alcoholic beer ?

Going down on your sister, it tastes the same but you know it's wrong.

What’s the difference between an alcoholic and a stoner?

The alcoholic will run the stop sign. The stoner will wait for it to turn green.

Since quitting alcohol, my car has seen much fewer accidents.

Now I just need to encourage it to stop smoking.

Dave wanted to go hunting for the first time by himself, yet he was afraid that he would get lost.

"I've got an idea!" Dave said. "I'll take this bottle of Jack Daniels with me." (Jack Daniels is a brand alcohol for those of you that don't know.)

He goes on his hunting trip, and before you know it, he gets lost.

Days later, a search party was dispatched to find Dave, but a week pass...

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Do alcoholics run in your family?

No but they stumble around and break shit.

When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

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Some of my friends told me, I have an alcohol issue, but that's bullshit.

The problem doesn't come until there is no alcohol.

Why do people with problems drink alcohol?

It's a solution

Why do parents hate alcoholic children?

All they do is wine

Being the son of an alcoholic genie was pretty tough

He spent most of my childhood in the bottle

What do you call a town where no one drinks alcohol?

Jake Paul.

Since its got no bars.

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Sick

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday, he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. H...

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A man smelling of alcohol and weed sat next to a priest on a bus.

The man’s clothes were ragged and dirty, there was pink lipstick on his collar, and an almost empty bottle of rum stuck out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

A few minutes later he turned to the priest and said, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthr...

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An alcoholic, a farmer, and a prostitute are on death row

When it was time for their last meal, the alcoholic chose beer. The farmer chose fresh milk. The prostitute got a last minute pardon.

Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms

It sounds more like the concept for an awesome store rather than a government agency.

Money changes people

I used to be broke. And I was a struggling alcoholic, and then I got some money to my name.

Now I have money.

Alabama has changed its drinking age to 28

Lawmakers warrant this by saying it is meant to keep alcohol out of high school

Repeat Customer

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"...

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This guy dies and goes to hell

Arriving there, he gets really sad because he didn't expect eternal suffering.
As the devil is receiving him, he asks:
- why are you sad?
The guy replies:
- because now I'll suffer for eternity.
- Relax! - the devil says. - this place ain't as bad as they say. Listen, do you like alc...

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There was an alcoholic man in a village

So he seeked help from the village's only doctor.
-"Tell me about your problem", said the doc.
-"I just can't stop drinking and nothing can help me, I am an alcoholic", said helplessly the man.
- "I will fix that!", said the doc and started fucking the alcoholic in the ass.
After it was ...

Guy got so drunk he blew chunks (vomited)

A bartender overhears a guy in the bar bragging to his friends about how he is going to "tie one on" About 10 minutes later the guy walks up to the bar and asks for a 40 pounder of tequila. The bartender says to him I'll make you a deal, if you drink that whole bottle of tequila before you leave h...

What did the alcoholic do after he couldn’t afford the electric bill?

He took a shot in the dark!

What’s an alcoholic’s favourite thing about the night sky?

The moonshine

After years of drinking, I can say that alcohol cures obesity and bad looks

Not in me, but in people I look at

What's an alcoholics favourite day of the week?

Winesday

A nun stood outside a tavern, scolding patrons as they entered about the evils of alcohol...

One gent stops to discuss the matter:

“See here, Sister- it’s really not fair for you to stand there and scold people on a subject on which you yourself have no experience. I mean- have you ever even tried alcohol? Even once?”

“Most certainly not!” the nun says, blushing.

“We...

Pulled Over

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."...

Marriage counselor: What’s the problem? Me: My wife needs help. Every night, she’s roaming from one bar to another. She has to stop it. Marriage counselor: Is she an alcoholic?

Me: No, she’s looking for me

Did you hear about the nun who was an alcoholic?

Last I heard, she was trying to kick the habit.

Alcohol Addiction

My anxiety has been in overdrive since the start of the Pandemic. I feel like I need more and more alcohol everyday.

I am going through at least a liter of the hard stuff everyday.
I start using as soon as I wake up and don't stop until I go to bed each night.

My Dr. says I need t...

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A woman goes to an AA meeting, introduces herself, "I've been through three relationships now and I just can't handle it anymore. My pussy is killing me." Someone interrupts and says, "I'm sorry, what does this have to do with your problem with alcohol?"

"What problem with alcohol? I just can't seem to give up the hard lickers!"

A man's son is about to return from prison.

A man's son is about to return from prison. After spending five years in the clink, the man was very curious to know what his son plans to do further in life and what profession he's going to choose for his future. He decides to test his son. He sets a bottle of alcohol, a wad of money, a gun and a ...

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I stole a Japanese alcoholic beverage from Pennywise.

When police asked me why I did it I couldn’t give them a reason - I just did it for the sake of it.

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What's the similarity between an alcohol-free beer and your sisters pussy?

When you taste it, it tastes ok. But there's something wrong with it

Is alcoholism a disease?

I don't know, but it's certainly an ale-ment!

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Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

I don't drink alcohol anymore

But I don't drink alcohol any less either

So there's this bar in New York called Walter's...

So there's this bar in New York called Walter's - it's named after the guy who runs the place, Walter Green. He's an older guy who doesn't understand a lot of technological stuff, and so the bar is plain and simple, just as it was when he first opened it back in the 1960s. One of Walter's regular cu...

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A Guy goes to the bar in the 100th floor

He orders a Beer, exes it and goes to the balcony and jumps off. A guy sitting in the bar sees this and wants to call 911 but the Guys comes out of the elevator. The guy is a bit confused but doesn't say anything. The other orders another beer, exes it and goes to the balcony and jumps off.

H...

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As a teacher, one of the things I used to dread most was seeing one of my students out in public. So imagine my surprise when I saw 18 year old Kristen out one Saturday night in a 21 and over establishment. She saw me at the same time, came over and loudly asked, "What the heck are YOU doing here?!"

I said, "Well, I'm a functioning alcoholic, it's Saturday night, and I am 32 years old. So I really think the better question here is... how much are the lap dances?"

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One spooky night on Halloween...

Chris, an urban adventurer. was looking to have some fun.

He decided that since it was Halloween, it would be the perfect time to explore a spooky house. He asked the locals if they knew of any, and they informed him of this abandoned mansion not to far from where he lived. He was warned cou...

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze...

...when Saudi police rush in and arrest them.


The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentence...

Why was it the Russians that made alcohol out of potatoes instead of the Irish?

Because we'll make alcohol out of anything, except our potatoes. Our potatoes are sacred.

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies.

*poof*

The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”.

But to explain that joke b...

I’m addicted to plagiarism…

So I’m starting a help group called Alcoholics Anonymous.

Why are all ghosts considered alcoholics?

Because they bring Boos everywhere they go!

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big...

Did you hear about the alcoholic transvestite?

He just wanted to eat, drink and be Mary.

How do you call an alcoholic that doesnt admit the addiction?

Jack Denials

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