A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died. "All right, son." asked the father, "what does that show you?"

"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

What's the difference between alcohol and water in Russia?

Just a single letter.

I am ok with alcohol, cigarettes, and even marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

What do you call a place where marijuana is legal but alcohol isn't?

High and dry.

What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American literature ?

Tequila Mockingbird

I really hate drinking alcohol,

but tonight, I'll give it a shot.

But Officer, I would never drink alcohol while driving!

I only drink when I'm stopped at a red light.

For some people, alcohol is a crutch.

For me, it's a very comfortable hammock, and I see no reason to get out of it.

What do you call it when an authoritarian state bans alcohol?

Teetotaltarianism.

I drank a lot of alcohol on the airport last night.

I now have a terminal hangover.

I don't have an addiction to alcohol, alcohol has an addiction to me,

whenever alcohol is with me, it gets drunk.

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. ...

Doctor: I don't think alcohol agrees with you.

Me: It's OK for things to have different opinions.

non-alcoholic beer tastes like...

... licking your sister. Tastes right but something is wrong

Son: Dad what's an alcoholic

Dad: well you see those Two kids ove there an alcoholic would see 4
Son: looks closely, but dad i only see one

I only drink alcohol on days that start with a "T"

Today and tomorrow

How do you identify an alcoholic nun?

Because of her Wine Habit

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeeper says, "You're on here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse replies, "I don't think I am" and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think, therefore I am'. But to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

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My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol.

He is not a drinker, just shitty at crosswords.

What do you call an alcoholic golfer?

A drunk driver

People keep telling me alcohol won't solve my problems

But they don't know it's a solution

What do you get when you cross alcohol with an unstable parent ?

Beats me

My doctor asked me if I abuse drugs and alcohol

I said "why would I abuse the two things I love more than anything"?

I don't give money to homeless people because they will just spend it all on drugs and alcohol

And I need it for drugs and alcohol.

If I got ALL the money back that I spent on drugs and alcohol...

I'd buy drugs and alcohol.

Two recovering alcoholics decided to write a song together...

but they couldn't get past the first two bars.

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Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

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A guy takes up a new job.

On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’
...

A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle lying on the passenger seat.

“Have you been drinking?” The officer asks.

“Just water,” says the priest.

“Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

A son asks his father, “Daddy, what’s an alcoholic like?”

The dad responds, “Son, do you see those two cars over there? An alcoholic would see four.”
The son says, “But daddy, there’s only one.”

What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman

were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to app...

Why are there no alcoholic cashiers?

Because checkers can't be boozers.

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3 men are caught smuggling alcohol into Saudi Arabia

As it's a "dry" country, the men are brought before a judge.

Judge: "Under normal circumstances, the penalty for smuggling is death. However, it's a national holiday and I'm feeling generous, so you'll each receive 20 lashings."

As he says this, his wife approaches the judge and whispe...

What do you get when your dad is an abusive alcoholic?

Laid.

Doctor: "I can't figure out what the problem is. It may be due to alcohol."

Patient: "That's alright. I'll come back when you're sober."

I'm starting an alcohol delivery service

It's called Ubeer.

I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January.

Edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of January.

Alabama changed the drinking age to 34

They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools

The smell of alcohol

An old man was stopped by police while driving. He rolled down his window as the policeman leaned over. – There's a terrible stench of alcohol here, said the cop.

Oh, I'm sorry, said the old dude, as he rolled the window almost shut, and asked through the narrow crack, - Is it better now?

What’s it called when an alcoholic Christian dies from drinking?

Deliverance

Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy

but the Bible says love your enemy.

An alcoholic law student walks into a bar.

After a few drinks he starts crying. The bartender asks, “Hey buddy are you ok?” He looks up and says, “I’m really mad at myself for not passing the bar.”

An alcoholic law student walks into a bar. . .

He regretted not passing the bar.

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My pastor just started a new line of alcoholic beverages.

It's called Jesus Jews.

I tried a few drugs here and there in my life. Weed, painkillers, alcohol etc.

But when it comes to cocaine I draw the line.

How many members of Alcoholics Anonymous does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has to want to change.

What do you call the alcoholic knight of the round table

Cirrhosis

When I drink alcohol people call me an alcoholic but when I drink Fanta...

Nobody calls me or texts me guys I'm lonley

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I was worried my doctor would tell me I was drinking too much alcohol.

Surprisingly, he said I should drink more.

I jumped up and screamed "Fuck yeah!"

He said "...water. Please don't interrupt."

If your urine smells like alcohol, you may have a drinking problem

If your urine tastes like alcohol, you definitely do have a drinking problem

A desperate alcoholic drinks varnish...

Sadly, he comes to a terrible end..... but a beautiful finish!

How many alcoholics does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the lightbulb in place and one to drink until the room spins.

How did the alcoholic climb the mountain?

12 steps at a time.

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They say alcohol makes you horny.

But I can’t even get my dick in the bottle.

What's Jesus's favorite alcohol?

While most would say wine, he would be fine with anything as long as he could get hammered.

Have you considered pouring your alcohol into smaller glasses?

You should try, it’s worth a shot.

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Alcohol is gay.

Because when you're drunk, you can't think straight.

I've been meeting up with a group of alcoholics who want to get better.

We've found we're much better drinkers when we're all doing it together.

Why was the ghost an alcoholic?

Because he likes boo's!

The man who invented the crowbar has died, destitute and broke.

Turns out crows don't drink alcohol.

Alcohol is always a solution

According to chemistry

What’s a horses favorite alcoholic beverage?

Chardoneigh

What’s the difference between an alcoholic and a drunk?

A drunk doesn’t have to go to meetings.

I read so much about the bad influences of alcohol and sugar, that I've decided...

...to read less.

If wine is jesus' blood, doesn't that make blood/alcohol content "blood/blood" content...

...officer.

How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all of your alcohol when you invite them for dinner?

Invite 2 of them.

Why can't any of 7 Dwarfs drink alcohol?

They're miners.

Last night I was returning from a party. I was high and saw there was a Police checking

Last night I was returning from a party. I was high and saw there was a Police checking. Was scared at that very moment but then immediately got down from the driving seat and sat on the back seat.
After few mins. an officer came and asked me to move my car ahead for alcohol test.

I said:...

I just read about the dangers of alcohol, and it really scared me.

I'm never reading again!

I use to be an alcoholic

I still am but I use to be too.


One of my Mitch Hedberg favorites.

I hate people who take drugs and alcohol

Really wanted to punch that guy at airport security :/

A child walks up to his dad and asks: "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

The father answers: "See those 4 trees over there, son? An alcoholic would see 8".

And the son replied: "But dad, there are only 2 trees".

And the mother: "Why are you guys staring at a tree?"

I can’t remember the last time I drank alcohol

In fact, I can’t quite remember the last four times

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A drug addict, an alcoholic and a cronic smoker die in a car crash

Three of them face the ultimate judgement. They'd have been sent to hell but turns out they did their share of good in their lives. So they face the last test. The alcoholic is given a bottle of Brandy, the drug addict given the stuff he digs and the smoker given a pack of cigarettes. Each of them a...

New study finds that most car accidents happen when men have been drinking alcohol.

Because their women are the designated drivers.

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What did they tell Ted when he kept drinking alcohol instead of caring for his wife?

You're a dick Ted.

Alcohol does not make you fat, it makes you lean.

Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally ugly chicks.

What do you call an alcoholic hobbit?

A hobbitual drinker.

Just got in to anonymous alcoholic club

It has been four days im getting drunk with people I dont know.

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"Have you tried saying no to alcohol?" my therapist asked me.

"Yes I did but they don't wanna hear any of it"

Two Alcoholics gets in a bar fight

He lost

A band’s drummer dies suddenly

So the band has to audition for new drummers. They interview a bunch of people, and they decide to play a gig with the best one that night to see if he'll work out. It goes great, except after every song, the new drummer says something like "You gotta brush your teeth or else you'll get gum diease...

An alcoholic wakes up in jail.

He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking," replies the officer.

"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"

Where to Canadian alcoholics go to sober up?

Eh Eh

A Chinese guy and an Englishman walk into a bar.

Over the next hour, the Englishman drinks a lot of alcohol and goes out of control. He begins to scream cuss words and annoy everyone in the bar.

Just as the bartender is planning to throw him out, the Chinese guy says,

"Hi, sorry for bad English"

What happens when you cross alcoholism and books of literary merit?

Tequila Mockingbird

Alcoholic

I was reading an article the other day which said if you are drinking alcohol everyday you might be an alcoholic!

Thank god, I drink only every night!

They say alcohol isnt the answer.

But chemistry says it is a solution.

Got an alcoholic pregnant the other day...

I came in cider

A ghost walks up to a non-alcoholic bar.

“Get out of here,” said the bartender. “We don’t serve spirits!”

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A nun goes into a liquor store....

And asks for a fifth of brandy. The proprietor is nervous about selling alcohol to a nun. The Sister says, conspiratorially, "It's for Mother Superior's constipation..." Understanding, he nods and sells her the brandy.
That night, after closing the store he goes outside and sees the same nun tota...

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can not handle their alcohol.

Last night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.

My alcoholic girlfriend got pregnant recently and it was really tough to find a 12 step plan for her

But then i remembered my mom's house has a pretty big staircase.

Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.

Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

What would you call Buzz Lightyear if he was an alcoholic?

Buzzed Allyear

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An old man walks into an empty bar

The young male bartender greets him and the old man says "Give me a margarita, virgin"
The bartender makes for him a margarita with no alcohol.
The old man spits it out and exclaims "What's this, virgin? Where's my tequila?"
Bartender says "well sir, a virgin margarita has no alcohol"
Ol...

What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?

SlamDrunk!

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What causes arthritis?

A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to apriest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and faceand a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned...

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A man gets hit by a bus, dies and goes to Hell..

Upon his arrival, he is greeted by Satan's secretary who begins to process his paperwork and give him the run down on what it's like for eternity.

Secretary: "Hell really isn't all that bad, buddy. We have themed daily activities to keep our residents occupied. Were you by any chance a drinke...

What do you call an alcoholics drug dealing career?

Whiskey business

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At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

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