An alcoholic wakes up in jail.

He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking," replies the officer.

"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"

A son asked his dad, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?'

The dad replied, "Well, son, you see those four trees? An alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic.

AAA: This is AAA, not AA.

Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.

A priest, an alcoholic, and an engineer are sentenced to death.

They are to be killed by the guillotine.

First is the priest. The executioner says "You can go on the guillotine either face up or face down". The priest says "I want to die face up, looking up to the heavens". So the priest lies face up. The executioner releases the blade; the blade falls ra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

Did you hear about the alcoholic medium?

He made all the spirits disappear.

What Is An Alcoholic?

Child: Mum! What is an alcoholic?

Mum: Well, you see the two birds over there. An alcoholic would see four.

Child: Mummy, there is only one bird over there.

What’s the difference between an alcoholic and a stoner?

The alcoholic will run the stop sign. The stoner will wait for it to turn green.

Why do parents hate alcoholic children?

All they do is wine

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine. the doctor tries to persuade them

the extrovert denies

" you won't be able to go to public gatherings anymore"

the extrovert agrees to take it



the alcoholic denies

"you will ha...

What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?

Neither one can resist the urge to “crack open a cold one”.

What is comparable to drinking a non alcoholic beer ?

Going down on your sister, it tastes the same but you know it's wrong.

Dad,what is an alcoholic?

See those 2 cars?An alcoholic would see 4 cars instead of those 2 cars.
But dad,there are 4 cars

Marriage counselor: What’s the problem? Me: My wife needs help. Every night, she’s roaming from one bar to another. She has to stop it. Marriage counselor: Is she an alcoholic?

Me: No, she’s looking for me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An alcoholic having marital problems bc of his drinking..

Goes to the bar and gets so drunk he pukes all over himself. Lamenting that his wife will leave him bc of this, a guy at the bar says "just say someone else puked on you, and that they put a $20 in your shirt pocket to cover the cleaning". Oh what a great idea!

So the drunk returns home, an...

I come from a long line of alcoholics

My gene pool has a swim-up bar.

What do you call a 400 pound alcoholic?

A heavy drinker.

Did you hear about the nun who was an alcoholic?

Last I heard, she was trying to kick the habit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do alcoholics run in your family?

No but they stumble around and break shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An alcoholic, a farmer, and a prostitute are on death row

When it was time for their last meal, the alcoholic chose beer. The farmer chose fresh milk. The prostitute got a last minute pardon.

What did the alcoholic do after he couldn’t afford the electric bill?

He took a shot in the dark!

What's an alcoholics favourite day of the week?

Winesday

Why are all ghosts considered alcoholics?

Because they bring Boos everywhere they go!

Ever been at a bar and decided to try something new? Well I decided to buy an alcoholic ginger beer!

He was happy for the free drink!

Being the son of an alcoholic genie was pretty tough

He spent most of my childhood in the bottle

What’s an alcoholic’s favourite thing about the night sky?

The moonshine

Did you hear about the alcoholic transvestite?

He just wanted to eat, drink and be Mary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I stole a Japanese alcoholic beverage from Pennywise.

When police asked me why I did it I couldn’t give them a reason - I just did it for the sake of it.

I’m not an alcoholic. I only drink when I’m home alone...

I’m just an anti-social drinker

What do you tell an annoying alcoholic?

Stop whining.

How do you call an alcoholic that doesnt admit the addiction?

Jack Denials

Why can’t alcoholics become lawyers?

They can’t pass the bar.

How can you tell if someone Amish is an alcoholic?

They keep falling off the wagon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I read an article that says if you drink everyday, you are an alcoholic...

Thank fuck I only drink at night.

What's a Canadians favourite alcoholic beverage?

A mi-moose-a!

I used to be a high functioning alcoholic.

Then I gave up weed.

What would an alcoholic Harper Lee have written ?

Tequila Mockingbird

What type of mixed drink is great for alcoholic readers?

Tequila Mockingbird

So 2 alcoholics walk into a bar

Or was it 3? I’m not sure who was there or what happens next, ask my friend, he drank waaaaaay less than me

How many members of Alcoholics Anonymous does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has to want to change.

What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?

They both view alcohol as a solution.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an alcoholic man in a village

So he seeked help from the village's only doctor.
-"Tell me about your problem", said the doc.
-"I just can't stop drinking and nothing can help me, I am an alcoholic", said helplessly the man.
- "I will fix that!", said the doc and started fucking the alcoholic in the ass.
After it was ...

I think I might be an alcoholic.

Everytime I get happy I just get this sudden urge to take ibuprofen and chug water.

Jesus was an alcoholic

The mans BAC was so high his blood was mistaken for wine. The hangover was so bad he was out for three days.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint

The barkeep says, "You're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse replies, "I don't think I am," and vanishes from existence.

>!See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophical statement "I think, therefore I am", but to explain that part b...

What’s a horses favorite alcoholic beverage?

Chardoneigh

Drinking a non-alcoholic beer is like eating out your sister

It tastes the same but something isn’t quite right

(Sorry this is a joke my Dad used to tell me constantly)

When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make root beer alcoholic?

Put it in a squared glass.

A horse walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a triple whisky."

The bartender says to the horse, “Are you an alcoholic?”

The horse replies, “I don’t think I am.” The horse promptly vanishes into thin air.

Now, that joke was a play on the classic proposition “Cogito ergo sum”, or “I think, therefore I am.” If this was to be explained at the start of...

Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS

when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teetotal guy talking to his alcoholic mate.

Him: How many do you drink in a day?

Mate: I don't know, maybe 20.

Him: That's probably about $25. per day, so over 10 days $250.
And over 365 days that's $9,125 per year. So over the course of 20 years, that's $182,500. This could have bought you a luxury yacht.

Mate: Do you...

What do you call an alcoholic college kid?

Wasted potential.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beer to an alcoholic, is like an orgasm to me.

If I've gone a while without one, I'll take anything that comes my way.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.

So she gets a
divorce.

A child walks up to his dad and asks: "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

The father answers: "See those 4 trees over there, son? An alcoholic would see 8".

And the son replied: "But dad, there are only 2 trees".

And the mother: "Why are you guys staring at a tree?"

What it the lifespan of an alcoholic?

It depends on the liver.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sexist, an alcoholic, and a drug addict walk into a bar

The bartender says: hey aren't you that horse from Horsin' Around?

Has anyone heard about the cemetery for alcoholics?

It's haunted by spirits.

What’s the hardest thing for an alcoholic law student to do?

Pass the bar

I thought I might be an alcoholic, so I did some research. It turns out the first sign of alcoholism is denial...

So I guess I'm not an alcoholic.

Why did the alcoholic beverage stab the woman?

Tequila

How did the alcoholic climb the mountain?

12 steps at a time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets pulled over for swerving

Officer says, "sir do you know why I pulled you over?"

*"I have no clue". The man replied.*

"Have you been drinking, sir?"

*"Not any alcoholic drinks, officer".*

"Then what is that in your cup holder?"

"*that's a half-drank Smirnoff Ice.*"

"I thought you sai...

Why was the ghost an alcoholic?

Because he likes boo's!

Why are there no alcoholic cashiers?

Because checkers can't be boozers.

A friend of mine graduated from law school but became and alcoholic and never got to be a lawyer...

...he just couldn't pass the bar.

What was the alcoholic literature teacher’s favorite book?

Tequila Mockingbird!

Why didn't the alcoholic became a comedian?

Because he couldn't stand up.

Two recovering alcoholics decided to write a song together...

but they couldn't get past the first two bars.

A pianist, a dancer and an alcoholic are attending a party

The doorman asks the pianist "what are you here for?", "I'm here to play music" and the doorman directs him to the instruments on stage.

The doorman asks the dancer "what are you here for?", "I'm here to get my groove on" and the doorman directs him to the dance floor.

The doorman asks...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.