An alcoholic wakes up in jail.

He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking," replies the officer.

"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"

Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic.

AAA: This is AAA, not AA.

Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

What’s the difference between an alcoholic and a stoner?

The alcoholic will run the stop sign. The stoner will wait for it to turn green.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a construction worker and an alcoholic

Fuck you that just was a lucky guess

A priest, an alcoholic, and an engineer are sentenced to death.

They are to be killed by the guillotine.

First is the priest. The executioner says "You can go on the guillotine either face up or face down". The priest says "I want to die face up, looking up to the heavens". So the priest lies face up. The executioner releases the blade; the blade falls ra...

Did you hear about the alcoholic medium?

He made all the spirits disappear.

My dad was an alcoholic who wanted to be a lawyer.

But he could never pass the bar.

What do you call a fat alcoholic?

A heavy drinker

Why was the alcoholic mathematician arrested by the police?

Drinking and deriving

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.

While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m at the bar right now (getting food I’m not an alcoholic I promise) and…

There’s these two guys are arguing and one asked “Jerry, howcome you got so many grandkids and I don’t?”

And he answers, “I taught my kids how to multiply”

I fuckin’ lost it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

What Is An Alcoholic?

Child: Mum! What is an alcoholic?

Mum: Well, you see the two birds over there. An alcoholic would see four.

Child: Mummy, there is only one bird over there.

Marriage counselor: What’s the problem? Me: My wife needs help. Every night, she’s roaming from one bar to another. She has to stop it. Marriage counselor: Is she an alcoholic?

Me: No, she’s looking for me

I recently discovered that 1 in 8 Americans is an alcoholic

I also discovered that 1 in 8 Americans actually suffers from the effects of alcoholism; the rest seem to have a pretty good time

Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?

He drank himself into an earl grey

What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?

Neither one can resist the urge to “crack open a cold one”.

Do alcoholics run in your family?

No, they usually drive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In an alcohol factory the regular tester died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,”It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.” “...

I come from a long line of alcoholics.

My gene pool has a swim up bar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you only had one beer, you’re not an alcoholic. If you make one song on SoundCloud, you’re not a rapper.

But I have sex with one guy and now I’m gay?

I’m not an alcoholic. I only drink on two days out of the year.

My birthday and not my birthday

Doctor told my wife that she cannot touch anything alcoholic for the next three months.

Now I’m not allowed to go near her...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The difference between a non drinker, a social drinker, and an alcoholic...

The bartender hands a drink to the non-drinker... the non-drinker hands it back and says "uh, there's a fly in it".

The bar tender hands a drink to to the social drinker... the social drinker notices a fly in it, picks the fly out and then proceeds drink it.

The bartender hands a drin...

What do you call an alcoholic Doctor Who monster?

A Ciderman

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do so many recovering alcoholics dine at Japanese restaurants?

Best place to get Soba.

Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sister...

It tastes the same, but it just isn't right.

If drinking too much alcohol makes me an alcoholic

Does drinking too much Fanta make me fantastic?

Why do parents hate alcoholic children?

All they do is wine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An alcoholic, a farmer, and a prostitute are on death row

When it was time for their last meal, the alcoholic chose beer. The farmer chose fresh milk. The prostitute got a last minute pardon.

Did you hear about the nun who was an alcoholic?

Last I heard, she was trying to kick the habit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An alcoholic having marital problems bc of his drinking..

Goes to the bar and gets so drunk he pukes all over himself. Lamenting that his wife will leave him bc of this, a guy at the bar says "just say someone else puked on you, and that they put a $20 in your shirt pocket to cover the cleaning". Oh what a great idea!

So the drunk returns home, an...

A circus ringleader and his wife were living with their main act, an alcoholic chimpanzee

The chimpanzee would always do the same thing every day: find the liquor cabinet, drink a few bottles, screech and destroy things for a few hours, and then pass out in a random spot for the rest of the day.

The wife could not stand the chimp, but the ringmaster did not have enough money to f...

What is comparable to drinking a non alcoholic beer ?

Going down on your sister, it tastes the same but you know it's wrong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an alcoholic man in a village

So he seeked help from the village's only doctor.
-"Tell me about your problem", said the doc.
-"I just can't stop drinking and nothing can help me, I am an alcoholic", said helplessly the man.
- "I will fix that!", said the doc and started fucking the alcoholic in the ass.
After it was ...

Why can’t alcoholics become lawyers?

They can’t pass the bar.

What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?

They both view alcohol as a solution.

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine. the doctor tries to persuade them

the extrovert denies

" you won't be able to go to public gatherings anymore"

the extrovert agrees to take it



the alcoholic denies

"you will ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do alcoholics run in your family?

No but they stumble around and break shit.

What did the alcoholic do after he couldn’t afford the electric bill?

He took a shot in the dark!

What’s an alcoholic’s favourite thing about the night sky?

The moonshine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I stole a Japanese alcoholic beverage from Pennywise.

When police asked me why I did it I couldn’t give them a reason - I just did it for the sake of it.

Did you hear about the alcoholic transvestite?

He just wanted to eat, drink and be Mary.

Did you hear about the alcoholic with a toothpaste puzzle?

He finally got his Act together

Being the son of an alcoholic genie was pretty tough

He spent most of my childhood in the bottle

I’m not an alcoholic. I only drink when I’m home alone...

I’m just an anti-social drinker

How do you call an alcoholic that doesnt admit the addiction?

Jack Denials

A horse goes into a bar and orders a pint.

The bartender says, "You know, you're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse says, "I don't think I am..." and promptly vanishes from existence.

See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy, "I think, therefore I am."

But ...

The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

Why are all ghosts considered alcoholics?

Because they bring Boos everywhere they go!

When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

They say the more you drink, the higher is your tolerance.

Not true. My grandpa is an alcoholic, yet extremely racist.

Drink like a man or...

An alcoholic in serious health condition finally goes to see a doctor:

\- "Are you drinking like a man, or like cattle?"
\- "Geez doctor, of course like a man!"
\- "That's the problem! Cattle know when to stop."

So 2 alcoholics walk into a bar

Or was it 3? I’m not sure who was there or what happens next, ask my friend, he drank waaaaaay less than me

What would an alcoholic Harper Lee have written ?

Tequila Mockingbird

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I read an article that says if you drink everyday, you are an alcoholic...

Thank fuck I only drink at night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teetotal guy talking to his alcoholic mate.

Him: How many do you drink in a day?

Mate: I don't know, maybe 20.

Him: That's probably about $25. per day, so over 10 days $250.
And over 365 days that's $9,125 per year. So over the course of 20 years, that's $182,500. This could have bought you a luxury yacht.

Mate: Do you...

What’s a horses favorite alcoholic beverage?

Chardoneigh

How many members of Alcoholics Anonymous does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has to want to change.

What do you tell an annoying alcoholic?

Stop whining.

How can you tell if someone Amish is an alcoholic?

They keep falling off the wagon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beer to an alcoholic, is like an orgasm to me.

If I've gone a while without one, I'll take anything that comes my way.

What's a Canadians favourite alcoholic beverage?

A mi-moose-a!

I used to be a high functioning alcoholic.

Then I gave up weed.

What type of mixed drink is great for alcoholic readers?

Tequila Mockingbird

Jesus was an alcoholic

The mans BAC was so high his blood was mistaken for wine. The hangover was so bad he was out for three days.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sexist, an alcoholic, and a drug addict walk into a bar

The bartender says: hey aren't you that horse from Horsin' Around?

My friend said I am what I eat

But he didn’t say I am what I drink so I’m not an alcoholic.

What’s the hardest thing for an alcoholic law student to do?

Pass the bar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 people die and end up in hell...

The first was an alcoholic, the second was a womanizer, the 3rd was a pothead.

Satan spoke: "Your punishment for squandering your lives on addiction is simple. What you valued the most in your life will be provided to you in infinite supply, however, you will remain with only your vice in a l...

I think I might be an alcoholic.

Everytime I get happy I just get this sudden urge to take ibuprofen and chug water.

What it the lifespan of an alcoholic?

It depends on the liver.

Has anyone heard about the cemetery for alcoholics?

It's haunted by spirits.

I thought I might be an alcoholic, so I did some research. It turns out the first sign of alcoholism is denial...

So I guess I'm not an alcoholic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make root beer alcoholic?

Put it in a squared glass.

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies.

*poof*

The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”.

But to explain that joke b...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.