An alcoholic wakes up in jail.

He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking," replies the officer.

"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"

Son asked his dad “Dad, what is an alcoholic?”

Dad replied “You see those four trees over there? Well an alcoholic would see eight.”

“Dad, I only see two trees”

What do necrophiliacs and alcoholics have in common?

They both love cracking open a cold one.

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A drug addict, an alcoholic and a cronic smoker die in a car crash

Three of them face the ultimate judgement. They'd have been sent to hell but turns out they did their share of good in their lives. So they face the last test. The alcoholic is given a bottle of Brandy, the drug addict given the stuff he digs and the smoker given a pack of cigarettes. Each of them a...

I use to be an alcoholic

I still am but I use to be too.

One of my Mitch Hedberg favorites.

Two Alcoholics gets in a bar fight

He lost

What’s a horses favorite alcoholic beverage?


What would you call Buzz Lightyear if he was an alcoholic?

Buzzed Allyear

A child walks up to his dad and asks: "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

The father answers: "See those 4 trees over there, son? An alcoholic would see 8".

And the son replied: "But dad, there are only 2 trees".

And the mother: "Why are you guys staring at a tree?"

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies.


The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”.

But to explain that joke b...

Got an alcoholic pregnant the other day...

I came in cider

I'm in desparate need of an alcoholic drink.

Well, I don't really need to worry, then; I've just come to the punch line.

When I drink alcohol people call me an alcoholic, Yet when I drink "Fanta"

No one calls me Fantastic.

My alcoholic girlfriend got pregnant recently and it was really tough to find a 12 step plan for her

But then i remembered my mom's house has a pretty big staircase.

What's the difference between a stoner and a alcoholic?

An alcoholic will run a stop sign while a stoner will wait for it to turn green

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.

So she gets a divorce.

How many alcoholics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to drink until the room spins.

Why don’t alcoholics become lawyers?

They can’t pass a bar.

(Credit to my Grandma’s friend)

My friend is a recovering alcoholic.

"As long as people stop reminding me about alcohol, I'll be fine," he declared.

"Yeah!" I said, "That's the spirit!"

Just got in anonymous alcoholic club,

Its been four days im getting drunk with strangers.

What do you call an alcoholics drug dealing career?

Whiskey business

My dad was an alcoholic

He read a sign that said "Drink Canada Dry!" so he left and hasn't been back since.

(Old joke, I know)

I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink when it's a friend's birthday.

On a side note are you on Facebook?

What do a necrophiliac coroner and an alcoholic office manager have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one at work

Conversation between an interviewer and an alcoholic

Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

Man: Yes.

Interviewer: How much a day?

Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.

Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?

Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.

Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?


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Drinking non alcoholic beer is like giving oral sex to your sister

It tastes similar, But you know it's wrong.

My wife's husband, is an alcoholic

I love that guy!

Whats rhe difference between ab alcoholic, and a lawyer?

A law degree.

What is an alcoholic's favourite book?

Tequila Mocking Bird

(credit to my sister)

I asked an alcoholic friend why he never shut his curtains.

I asked an alcoholic friend why he never shut his curtains, turns out he loves natural light.

A child asks their parent, "What's an alcoholic?"

"Well", the parent says, "You see those two buses over there? An alcoholic would see four".

The child responds, "there's only one".

Did y'all hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite?

He just wanted to eat, drink and be Mary...

Alcoholics should become unfunny comedians

all the free boos they could ask for

I'm not an alcoholic.

Alcoholics go to meetings. I'm a drunk, I go to parties.

I’m currently in a recovering alcoholics program in North Carolina.

But to keep it short, I just tell people I’m in the NCAA.

What does a law student and a recovering alcoholic have in common?

They both have to pass the bar.

I’m a recovering alcoholic.

I didn’t quit drinking, I’m just recovering from last night.

Non Alcoholic Beer

It's like going down on your first cousin. It might taste the same, but that doesn't make it right.

Why is Newton the most alcoholic scientist ?

Because there are 10 N/cm² in a bar.

An drunk alcoholic walks into a kids’ party

He sees all these long lines of children waiting for their rides, snacks etc.
He finally sees some adults holding drinks in their hands and joins them.
He stand there for hours, waiting for the line to move. Finally when his number comes, he asks for a “Vodka Martini, Shaken not stirred. I h...

I fermented a bible and tried to make liquor, but to my frustration , it's non-alcoholic

Turns out it has 0 proof

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An alcoholic, a sex addict, and a stoner are all in hell...

The devil comes up to each of them and says he'll grant them each one wish.

So the devil goes and asks the alcoholic what he would like to wish for and the alcoholic responds "I wish for all the liquor I can drink!" The devil grants his wish and moves on to the sex addict. The sex addict wi...

I thought I might be an alcoholic, so I did some research. It turns out the first sign of alcoholism is denial...

So I guess I'm not an alcoholic.

A guy at my work was so desperate of an alcoholic that he started drinking brake fluid.

He said he could stop at any time though.

Why was the asylum warden an alcoholic?

Because, as he would say, "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy!"

Why was the dwarf alcoholic having trouble driving?

Well, he was a little drunk.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefore I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.

I've protected my laptop by placing several alcoholic fruity beverages on top of it.

I guess I misunderstood when people told me to focus on cider security.

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What happens when a guy an a girl use a fruity alcoholic beverage in bed?

He cums in cider.

What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?

They both view alcohol as a solution.

Why do children of recovering alcoholics have such big family reunions?

They have twelve-step-parents.

Did you hear about the legless alcoholic nun?

Try as hard as she might, she just couldn’t kick her habit.

You probably shouldn't send alcoholics to jail...

They've spent enough time around bars.

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Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don’t have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar.

So one of them devises a clever plan, he tells his friend “We should buy a hot-dog sausage and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks but then when the bill comes you get down and suck on the hot-dog and it’ll look like you’re sucking on my dick so then we’ll get thrown out without payi...

Did you hear the one about the alcoholic unicyclist?

He couldn’t handle bars.

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If alcoholics get whiskey dick, what do heroin users get?


I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday

Thank god I only drink every night

We all know Donald Trump doesn’t drink alcohol. But did you know he won’t drink non-alcoholic beer either?

It’s fake booze.

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What does a recovering-alcoholic vampire get after completing a suicide bombing mission?

72 virgin Bloody Marys

A narcissist, a psychiatrist and an alcoholic walk into a bar

The waitress turns to the bar tender and asks, "Does he always come in alone?"

"Hi I'm Eric and I'm an Alcoholic."

"Hi Eric. Welcome to the end of the year, support group! Tell us how long you've been sober for.'

"Maybe a month... 34 days...?"

"Great progress!"

"Oh, not in a row. Just the total for this whole year."

How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?

One...Ok, just one more...Maybe a third to be social...May as well make it a few more now, I've missed the last bus...

What alcoholic beverage do cows drink?


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Two alcoholics are drinking at a bar

It's Tuesday, and they've been there the day before as well.

One of them asks

"George, what are we doing here?"

"I don't know Robert, maybe it's because we made the wrong choice when we were young, maybe we got too involved in drinking and not enough in studying, and know it's t...

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A range of alcoholic drinks is being produced named after famous authors

.... Dickens Cider is proving very popular

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Being an anal retentive alcoholic is

a real champaign in the ass sometimes.

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Did you know that prostitutes at the Moulin Rouge used strong alcoholic drinks to bleach their hair?

Absinthe makes the tart grow blonder.

Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.

Priest - Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Is it? What about the guy who sells the liquor?
Priest - He will also go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Ok, what about the guy who sells pork tacos in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?
Priest - He too will go to Hell....

How do alcoholics relax after a long day?

They wine down.


At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat,...

My alcoholic dad said my mother drove him to drink.

Sometimes she'd even pick him up afterwards.

What did one non-alcoholic beer say to the other?

How come we never get drunk?

If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, what does drinking Fanta make you?


What's an alcoholic Mexican's favorite book?

Tequila Mockingbird.

My unemployed alcoholic father has a brilliant legal mind.

Unfortunately he’s never passed a bar.

What’s Darth Maul’s favourite alcoholic beverage?

*Qui-Gon* Gin

What do you call drunken mathematician?

A functioning alcoholic.

Remember the guy who got molested by his alcoholic father?

He showed up in court the other day for drunk driving and the judge said, "Looks like your old man rubbed off on you"

How does an alcoholic decide how much beer to drink?

On a case-by-case basis.

I'm thinking of starting a fashion line for alcoholics.. I guess I'll just call it..

Michael Coors Light

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Frank, British war veteran and quadriplegic, was a raging alcoholic.

When he was sober, Frank was a mean bad ass mother fucker, that no-one dare cross.

But when Frank was legless he was 'armless.

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A meth user, An alcoholic, and a prostitute are all in a car. Who's driving?

The Police.

Help! I need activity suggestions. I’m going to hang out with my father, first thing tomorrow morning. He’s a retired Naval officer and an alcoholic.

What do you do with a drunken sailor, early in the morning??

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Do you ever think alcoholics in Japan...

...just drink for the sake of it?

Keeping up with DC is like keeping up with my alcoholic father

You hope it's going to get better, but it keeps beating you down

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What do you call an alcoholic with an extensive belt collection?

My fucking father.

What is an alcoholic ghosts' favorite thing?


An alcoholic therapist

Is a destroyer of demons and spirits.

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I'm from Cape Breton Island, what that means is I face a lot of discrimination. People assume I'm an incestuous, alcoholic, wife beating, fish fucker.

I'll have you know I've never hit my sister once.

A recovering alcoholic asked me if I wanted to hear a joke...

I said "Nah man, I don't do the dry humor."

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