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A drug addict, an alcoholic and a cronic smoker die in a car crash

Three of them face the ultimate judgement. They'd have been sent to hell but turns out they did their share of good in their lives. So they face the last test. The alcoholic is given a bottle of Brandy, the drug addict given the stuff he digs and the smoker given a pack of cigarettes. Each of them a...

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies.


The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”.

But to explain that joke b...

The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

I’m currently in a recovering alcoholics program in North Carolina.

But to keep it short, I just tell people I’m in the NCAA.

Why don’t alcoholics become lawyers?

They can’t pass a bar.

(Credit to my Grandma’s friend)

When I drink too much alcohol I’m called an alcoholic,

but when I smoke a lot of weed no one calls me...
Or texts me... or talks to me... I’m very lonely.

An alcoholic wakes up in jail.

He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking," replies the officer.

"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"

What does a law student and a recovering alcoholic have in common?

They both have to pass the bar.

Non Alcoholic Beer

It's like going down on your first cousin. It might taste the same, but that doesn't make it right.

I'm a smoker and alcoholic.

Visited my new doctor today.


Doctor: "Your liver is enlarged and your lungs sound funny. Do you smoke?"

Me: "Only when I drink"

Doctor: "How much do you drink?!"

Me: "About two packs a day..."

I fermented a bible and tried to make liquor, but to my frustration , it's non-alcoholic

Turns out it has 0 proof

Conversation between an interviewer and an alcoholic

Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

Man: Yes.

Interviewer: How much a day?

Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.

Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?

Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.

Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?


I’m a recovering alcoholic.

I didn’t quit drinking, I’m just recovering from last night.

My wife's husband, is an alcoholic

I love that guy!

Did y'all hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite?

He just wanted to eat, drink and be Mary...

A child asks their parent, "What's an alcoholic?"

"Well", the parent says, "You see those two buses over there? An alcoholic would see four".

The child responds, "there's only one".

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Drinking non alcoholic beer is like giving oral sex to your sister

It tastes similar, But you know it's wrong.

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Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don’t have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar.

So one of them devises a clever plan, he tells his friend “We should buy a hot-dog sausage and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks but then when the bill comes you get down and suck on the hot-dog and it’ll look like you’re sucking on my dick so then we’ll get thrown out without payi...

Did you hear the one about the alcoholic unicyclist?

He couldn’t handle bars.

Why is Newton the most alcoholic scientist ?

Because there are 10 N/cm² in a bar.

An drunk alcoholic walks into a kids’ party

He sees all these long lines of children waiting for their rides, snacks etc.
He finally sees some adults holding drinks in their hands and joins them.
He stand there for hours, waiting for the line to move. Finally when his number comes, he asks for a “Vodka Martini, Shaken not stirred. I h...

Why was the asylum warden an alcoholic?

Because, as he would say, "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy!"

Why don't we hear much about egyptian alcoholics?

Because they're all in the nile

Alcoholics and necrophiliacs.

What’s the difference between a group of alcoholics and a group of necrophiliacs?

Nothing. They both love to crack a cold one open with the boys

Alcoholics should become unfunny comedians

all the free boos they could ask for

I've protected my laptop by placing several alcoholic fruity beverages on top of it.

I guess I misunderstood when people told me to focus on cider security.

Why do children of recovering alcoholics have such big family reunions?

They have twelve-step-parents.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefore I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.

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If alcoholics get whiskey dick, what do heroin users get?


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What happens when a guy an a girl use a fruity alcoholic beverage in bed?

He cums in cider.

Why was the dwarf alcoholic having trouble driving?

Well, he was a little drunk.

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An alcoholic, a sex addict, and a stoner are all in hell...

The devil comes up to each of them and says he'll grant them each one wish.

So the devil goes and asks the alcoholic what he would like to wish for and the alcoholic responds "I wish for all the liquor I can drink!" The devil grants his wish and moves on to the sex addict. The sex addict wi...

I'm not an alcoholic.

Alcoholics go to meetings. I'm a drunk, I go to parties.

A guy at my work was so desperate of an alcoholic that he started drinking brake fluid.

He said he could stop at any time though.

If i drink alcohol, i will be an alcoholic.

So if I drink Fanta, will I be fantastic?

They are going to change the name of the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) as people kept getting it mixed up with AA (automobile Association)

The new name will be The Royal alcoholics Club...the RAC!

What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?

They both view alcohol as a solution.

We all know Donald Trump doesn’t drink alcohol. But did you know he won’t drink non-alcoholic beer either?

It’s fake booze.

You probably shouldn't send alcoholics to jail...

They've spent enough time around bars.

Did you hear about the legless alcoholic nun?

Try as hard as she might, she just couldn’t kick her habit.

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Being an anal retentive alcoholic is

a real champaign in the ass sometimes.

A narcissist, a psychiatrist and an alcoholic walk into a bar

The waitress turns to the bar tender and asks, "Does he always come in alone?"

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Two alcoholics are drinking at a bar

It's Tuesday, and they've been there the day before as well.

One of them asks

"George, what are we doing here?"

"I don't know Robert, maybe it's because we made the wrong choice when we were young, maybe we got too involved in drinking and not enough in studying, and know it's t...

I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday

Thank god I only drink every night

Did you know that prostitutes at the Moulin Rouge used strong alcoholic drinks to bleach their hair?

Absinthe makes the tart grow blonder.

I thought I might be an alcoholic, so I did some research. It turns out the first sign of alcoholism is denial...

So I guess I'm not an alcoholic.

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A range of alcoholic drinks is being produced named after famous authors

.... Dickens Cider is proving very popular

Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.

Priest - Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Is it? What about the guy who sells the liquor?
Priest - He will also go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Ok, what about the guy who sells pork tacos in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?
Priest - He too will go to Hell....

What do you call drunken mathematician?

A functioning alcoholic.

What is the similarity between a coroner and an alcoholic?

They both start the day with a cold one from the case...

A doctor tells a women she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.

So she gets a divorce.

"Hi I'm Eric and I'm an Alcoholic."

"Hi Eric. Welcome to the end of the year, support group! Tell us how long you've been sober for.'

"Maybe a month... 34 days...?"

"Great progress!"

"Oh, not in a row. Just the total for this whole year."

What did one non-alcoholic beer say to the other?

How come we never get drunk?

How do alcoholics relax after a long day?

They wine down.

What's an alcoholic Mexican's favorite book?

Tequila Mockingbird.

If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, what does drinking Fanta make you?


What do and outdoorsman and an alcoholic have in common?

They both enjoy Natural Light.

How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?

One...Ok, just one more...Maybe a third to be social...May as well make it a few more now, I've missed the last bus...


At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat,...

My alcoholic dad said my mother drove him to drink.

Sometimes she'd even pick him up afterwards.

Remember the guy who got molested by his alcoholic father?

He showed up in court the other day for drunk driving and the judge said, "Looks like your old man rubbed off on you"

What is an alcoholic ghosts' favorite thing?


How does an alcoholic decide how much beer to drink?

On a case-by-case basis.

I'm thinking of starting a fashion line for alcoholics.. I guess I'll just call it..

Michael Coors Light

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Frank, British war veteran and quadriplegic, was a raging alcoholic.

When he was sober, Frank was a mean bad ass mother fucker, that no-one dare cross.

But when Frank was legless he was 'armless.

An alcoholic therapist

Is a destroyer of demons and spirits.

What’s Darth Maul’s favourite alcoholic beverage?

*Qui-Gon* Gin

My unemployed alcoholic father has a brilliant legal mind.

Unfortunately he’s never passed a bar.

Keeping up with DC is like keeping up with my alcoholic father

You hope it's going to get better, but it keeps beating you down

Help! I need activity suggestions. I’m going to hang out with my father, first thing tomorrow morning. He’s a retired Naval officer and an alcoholic.

What do you do with a drunken sailor, early in the morning??

A meth user, An alcoholic, and a prostitute are all in a car. Who's driving?

The Police.

America has crazed, gun addicted, alcoholic, violent people. What does Russia have?


Hear about the alcoholic that could never choose between wisky or vodka?

He was really good at multiflasking.

A recovering alcoholic asked me if I wanted to hear a joke...

I said "Nah man, I don't do the dry humor."

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What do you call an alcoholic with an extensive belt collection?

My fucking father.

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Do you ever think alcoholics in Japan...

...just drink for the sake of it?

I saw a clown drinking an alcoholic drink while doing death defying stunts.

I told him, "That's whiskey."

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I'm from Cape Breton Island, what that means is I face a lot of discrimination. People assume I'm an incestuous, alcoholic, wife beating, fish fucker.

I'll have you know I've never hit my sister once.

Russia. Little Boris comes running to his alcoholic father.

"Daddy, daddy! I just heard that vodka has risen in price. That means you'll be drinking less from now on?"

"No, junior. That means you'll be eating less," the father replies.

My friends call me an alcoholic, but I've only ever been drunk twice.

The first time was when I was 17 and the second time has been since 2008

An alcoholic walks into a bar, first thing in the morning,

And sits down at the bar. His friend, the bartender says "Whiskey on the rocks, as usual?"
The man responds, "It's too early..."
The bartender is shocked, "Too early for a drink? For you?" He asks, surprised.
The man looks at him and says,
"No, for stupid questions."

What is the most Canadian non-alcoholic drink?

American beer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Alcoholics don't run in my family.

They stumble around and break shit.

Why Did The Alcoholic Comedian Quit Performing?

He couldn't handle the boos.

There is a big difference between an alcoholic and me

An alcoholic needs a beer......I already have mine

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An alcoholic man promises his wife not to drink anymore...

**Just as a disclaimer**
I don't know whether this joke is original or not it was told to me by my grandfather and it's very possible he took the joke from someone but I can't really find out if he did or not.

The wife says 'I'm fed up with you going out and getting drunk every night, if y...

How does an alcoholic keep up their morale?

With More ale

What's the difference between an addict and an alcoholic?

Alcoholic runs the red light and the addict sits through three greens.

I come from a long line of alcoholics.

My gene pool has a swim up bar.