An alcoholic wakes up in jail.

He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking," replies the officer.

"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"

Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic.

AAA: This is AAA, not AA.

Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.

What’s the difference between an alcoholic and a stoner?

The alcoholic will run the stop sign. The stoner will wait for it to turn green.

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

A priest, an alcoholic, and an engineer are sentenced to death.

They are to be killed by the guillotine.

First is the priest. The executioner says "You can go on the guillotine either face up or face down". The priest says "I want to die face up, looking up to the heavens". So the priest lies face up. The executioner releases the blade; the blade falls ra...

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If you only had one beer, you’re not an alcoholic. If you make one song on SoundCloud, you’re not a rapper.

But I have sex with one guy and now I’m gay?

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Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.

While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
...

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Why do so many recovering alcoholics dine at Japanese restaurants?

Best place to get Soba.

Did you hear about the alcoholic medium?

He made all the spirits disappear.

Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sister...

It tastes the same, but it just isn't right.

What do you call a fat alcoholic?

A heavy drinker

If drinking too much alcohol makes me an alcoholic

Does drinking too much Fanta make me fantastic?

My dad was an alcoholic who wanted to be a lawyer.

But he could never pass the bar.

What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?

Neither one can resist the urge to “crack open a cold one”.

Why do parents hate alcoholic children?

All they do is wine

I come from a long line of alcoholics

My gene pool has a swim-up bar.

A circus ringleader and his wife were living with their main act, an alcoholic chimpanzee

The chimpanzee would always do the same thing every day: find the liquor cabinet, drink a few bottles, screech and destroy things for a few hours, and then pass out in a random spot for the rest of the day.

The wife could not stand the chimp, but the ringmaster did not have enough money to f...

Do alcoholics run in your family?

No, they usually drive.

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine. the doctor tries to persuade them

the extrovert denies

" you won't be able to go to public gatherings anymore"

the extrovert agrees to take it



the alcoholic denies

"you will ha...

What Is An Alcoholic?

Child: Mum! What is an alcoholic?

Mum: Well, you see the two birds over there. An alcoholic would see four.

Child: Mummy, there is only one bird over there.

What is comparable to drinking a non alcoholic beer ?

Going down on your sister, it tastes the same but you know it's wrong.

Did you hear about the nun who was an alcoholic?

Last I heard, she was trying to kick the habit.

Marriage counselor: What’s the problem? Me: My wife needs help. Every night, she’s roaming from one bar to another. She has to stop it. Marriage counselor: Is she an alcoholic?

Me: No, she’s looking for me

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An alcoholic having marital problems bc of his drinking..

Goes to the bar and gets so drunk he pukes all over himself. Lamenting that his wife will leave him bc of this, a guy at the bar says "just say someone else puked on you, and that they put a $20 in your shirt pocket to cover the cleaning". Oh what a great idea!

So the drunk returns home, an...

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An alcoholic, a farmer, and a prostitute are on death row

When it was time for their last meal, the alcoholic chose beer. The farmer chose fresh milk. The prostitute got a last minute pardon.

What did the alcoholic do after he couldn’t afford the electric bill?

He took a shot in the dark!

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Do alcoholics run in your family?

No but they stumble around and break shit.

Being the son of an alcoholic genie was pretty tough

He spent most of my childhood in the bottle

What’s an alcoholic’s favourite thing about the night sky?

The moonshine

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I stole a Japanese alcoholic beverage from Pennywise.

When police asked me why I did it I couldn’t give them a reason - I just did it for the sake of it.

I’m not an alcoholic. I only drink when I’m home alone...

I’m just an anti-social drinker

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3 people die and end up in hell...

The first was an alcoholic, the second was a womanizer, the 3rd was a pothead.

Satan spoke: "Your punishment for squandering your lives on addiction is simple. What you valued the most in your life will be provided to you in infinite supply, however, you will remain with only your vice in a l...

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There was an alcoholic man in a village

So he seeked help from the village's only doctor.
-"Tell me about your problem", said the doc.
-"I just can't stop drinking and nothing can help me, I am an alcoholic", said helplessly the man.
- "I will fix that!", said the doc and started fucking the alcoholic in the ass.
After it was ...

Why are all ghosts considered alcoholics?

Because they bring Boos everywhere they go!

What do you tell an annoying alcoholic?

Stop whining.

How do you call an alcoholic that doesnt admit the addiction?

Jack Denials

Why can’t alcoholics become lawyers?

They can’t pass the bar.

So 2 alcoholics walk into a bar

Or was it 3? I’m not sure who was there or what happens next, ask my friend, he drank waaaaaay less than me

What's a Canadians favourite alcoholic beverage?

A mi-moose-a!

When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

I think I might be an alcoholic.

Everytime I get happy I just get this sudden urge to take ibuprofen and chug water.

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A Banana walks into a bar

He sits down and orders an alcoholic beverage. The bartender brings the banana his beverage and the banana begins to drink the beverage. Then a beautiful cucumber enters the bar and sits by the banana. The banana is quite taken by the cucumber. He asks if she’d like to go with him to the bathroom fo...

How to stop the church gossip

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new m...

How can you tell if someone Amish is an alcoholic?

They keep falling off the wagon.

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I read an article that says if you drink everyday, you are an alcoholic...

Thank fuck I only drink at night.

What’s a horses favorite alcoholic beverage?

Chardoneigh

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.

So she gets a
divorce.

What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?

They both view alcohol as a solution.

What it the lifespan of an alcoholic?

It depends on the liver.

I used to be a high functioning alcoholic.

Then I gave up weed.

What type of mixed drink is great for alcoholic readers?

Tequila Mockingbird

What would an alcoholic Harper Lee have written ?

Tequila Mockingbird

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A teetotal guy talking to his alcoholic mate.

Him: How many do you drink in a day?

Mate: I don't know, maybe 20.

Him: That's probably about $25. per day, so over 10 days $250.
And over 365 days that's $9,125 per year. So over the course of 20 years, that's $182,500. This could have bought you a luxury yacht.

Mate: Do you...

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A beer to an alcoholic, is like an orgasm to me.

If I've gone a while without one, I'll take anything that comes my way.

How many members of Alcoholics Anonymous does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has to want to change.

Drinking a non-alcoholic beer is like eating out your sister

It tastes the same but something isn’t quite right

(Sorry this is a joke my Dad used to tell me constantly)

Jesus was an alcoholic

The mans BAC was so high his blood was mistaken for wine. The hangover was so bad he was out for three days.

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How do you make root beer alcoholic?

Put it in a squared glass.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeeper says, "You're on here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse replies, "I don't think I am" and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think, therefore I am'. But to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

My dad had this strange obsession with collecting bottles!

Would be one way to say he’s an alcoholic.

What’s the hardest thing for an alcoholic law student to do?

Pass the bar

I thought I might be an alcoholic, so I did some research. It turns out the first sign of alcoholism is denial...

So I guess I'm not an alcoholic.

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A sexist, an alcoholic, and a drug addict walk into a bar

The bartender says: hey aren't you that horse from Horsin' Around?

Has anyone heard about the cemetery for alcoholics?

It's haunted by spirits.

Why did the alcoholic beverage stab the woman?

Tequila

Sam walks into a bar on his birthday

It was Sam’s birthday, he just turned 18, finally a man (Sam lives in the Uk). In the excitement of being able to finally buy a pint from the bar without having to worry about being asked for ID, he approaches the woman who was bartending.

Sam, having a lack of knowledge with drinks, asks the...

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies.

*poof*

The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”.

But to explain that joke b...

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Mother Superior say to 3 nuns "Because you've been so committed to this monastery over the last 50 years you can go out this weekend and commit any sin you like."

"When you return you must drink this holy water and all will be forgiven."

So the 3 nuns head out for a fun-filled weekend.

On Monday when they return, Mother Superior summons them to her office. She asks them what sins they committed. The first nun says..."I became an alcoholic and di...

A friend of mine graduated from law school but became and alcoholic and never got to be a lawyer...

...he just couldn't pass the bar.

Why didn't the alcoholic became a comedian?

Because he couldn't stand up.

A pianist, a dancer and an alcoholic are attending a party

The doorman asks the pianist "what are you here for?", "I'm here to play music" and the doorman directs him to the instruments on stage.

The doorman asks the dancer "what are you here for?", "I'm here to get my groove on" and the doorman directs him to the dance floor.

The doorman asks...

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