Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

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There are 2 farmers, Jim and Bob, sitting in a Bar having a beer..

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.

"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," t...

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Apparently Beer Contains Female Hormones:

After you drink enough.

you cannot drive:

Or shut the fuck up:

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts generally go for three dollars or so, but deer nuts are under a buck.

I was in a bar yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud, so I timed my farts with the beats. After a couple songs I started to feel better. I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

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Have I ever dipped my testicles into a beer?

Once, in a Blue Moon.

Imagine a nascar fan. The image that comes to mind is probably that of a brutish, beer guzzling, loud mouth, hairy, unwashed, unshaven, redneck

And her husband.

I was sitting at a bar last night and this Asian looking fella sits down next to me and takes a sip of beer.

I glance over at him and ask if he knows any of those martial arts like Kung fu, or Karate or Ju Jitsu. He says no, WTF man!? Are you asking because I’m Chinese?

I said no, it’s because you’re drinking my beer.

I went to Australia and tried a Kangaroo beer

The taste was good but it was too hoppy for me.

A guy walks into a bar carrying a plum and orders a beer.

"Why do you have a plum?" the bartender asks. "I couldn't find a date," the guy replies.

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in chu...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I just opened a pioneering business," the guy says.

"So, what do you actually do?" the bartender asks. "I just told you," the guy replies. "I sell pie and earrings."

I like my beer like I like my men

Locked underground in a barrel for a decade

A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and ...

There’s a man at an outdoor bar who orders one pint of beer for himself and 10 for his giraffe...

He continues to do this throughout the night. When he heads home, the giraffe stands up but then toppled over because of how drunk he is. The bartender says ‘Hey! You can’t leave that lying there!’
The man then says ‘It’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.’

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How you doing today?" the bartender asks

. "Actually, earlier today I was feeling really down. Depressed even," the guy says. "But then I parked in a handicapped stall at the grocery store and then I had a bunch of complete strangers rally around me and tell me there was nothing wrong with me."

I went to a beer festival. In order to prevent myself from getting too drunk, I decided to follow the Chicago Bears' offensive game plan.

Three and out.

A drunk man looking at his empty bottle of beers...

Drunk : ( picking up 1 empty bottle ) You're the reason my wife left me! ( then throws it on the wall )

Then he picks up another empty bottle.

Drunk : You're the reason my children left me! Then throws it against the wall!

Then he picks up another empty bottle.

Drunk : Y...

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go ma...

How do turn root beer into beer?

.. Put it in a square glass

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1".

The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"

The Bartender reply's "$5". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his ...

Heard the one about the Jewish beer maker?

Hebrew

An American, a Brit and an Irishman walked into a bar and they each ordered a beer...

A fly landed in the American's beer - he held the beer out to the bartender "Ugh! Bartender, get me another beer!" Then the American went back to drinking his new beer.

Another fly landed in the Brit's beer - he picked the fly out, tossed it aside and went back to drinking

Another...

Why did the hipster drink warm beer?

He liked it before it was cool.

What do you call a Israeli Man that works in the Beer making industry?

Hebrew

why can’t you chug beer and do high school math at the same time?

it’s illegal to drink and derive >:(

Two dogs are sitting at a bar drinking beer...

One dog looks around and says "you notice we're the only ones here with collars on?"

The other dog says "Dammit, we're at a Stray Bar!"

I asked a Jewish bartender if he ever makes his own beer...

...he brew.

Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes: 1st in beer 2nd in wine 3rd in whiskey 4th in mineral water The next day, the teacher shows the results: The 1st worm in beer, dead. The 2nd in wine, dead. The 3rd in whiskey, dead. The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey
does not have worms.

25 reasons why beer is better then a woman

25: Beer never gets a headache.

24: Beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football.

23: You don’t have to wine and dine beer.

22: Beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.

21: You can enjoy a beer all month long.

20: Beer stai...

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender charges him 15
cents. Confused but not complaining, the man pays.

After a while, he decides to have another beer
and some food, so he
orders another beer and a steak. The bartender
charges him 50 cents,
15 for the beer and 35 for the food.

After finishing h...

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender.

As the bartender goes to get the drink, the bowl of peanuts pipes up, "excellent choice, on the beer! A really great decision."

Thinking he is hearing things, the man goes to the bathroom to wash his face.

On his way there, the juke box yells at him, "a goddamn beer? Horrible choice. ...

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A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer

The Bartender says “that’ll be a dollar”
The guy thinks “man, that’s cheap” but the beer turned out to be delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. “Bartender, I’ll have your finest wine” the bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle, opening it, aerating ...

A liberal and a conservative enter a bar. They sit down and each one orders a beer. After a while, they start to talk about immigration policy.

They start to argue if the USA needs immigrants or not.


After a few hours when it looks like both used all arguments they could find to sustain their position, the liberal says:


“You know, Trump is the living proof that America needs immigrants.”


“How so?” responds t...

A gal walks into a bar and orders the largest beer they have.

"Sometimes I just need to drown my troubles," she tells the bartender with a heavy sigh. "But I can't convince my boyfriend to go swimming."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Did you know that male lions will resort to cannibalism when they are starved?" the guy asks the bartender. "I guess they just have to swallow their pride," the bartender replies.

What did the bartender say to his customer that liked his beer bitter.

“Don’t worry. Beer hoppy.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"Yep," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls th...

What’s Goku’s favorite beer?

Kamehameheineken

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Light beer is like having sex on a boat in the middle of the sea.

It's fucking close to water.

Why doesn't Donald Trump drink beer?

Because he's a draught dodger.

C, E Flat, and G walked into a bar and said "3 beers, please."

The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve minors."

Don’t drink beer while solving Calculus homework

You shouldn’t drink and derive

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

I believe Jesus worked as a beer brewer.

The bible says Hebrews.

Someone threw a beer at Trump at Indianapolis NRA convention. He's fine.

It was a draft so he dodged it perfectly.

An Irishman just drank 100 liters of beer in 30 minutes.

They called it a Guinness World Record.

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The Germans say American beer is like having sex in a canoe.

F**king close to water.

A water, a soda, and a beer walk into a bar

The bartender looks at the water and soda and says, "We don't serve your kind around here."

What is a vampires favorite beer?

Blood Light

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.

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Bad Beer?

What's the difference between a clit and Budweiser beer??

A clit only tastes like piss for 30 seconds..

What do a frozen beer, a burnt pizza, and a pregnant woman have in common?

Some jackass forgot to take it out in time.

Beer companies

3 CEOs from 3 beer companies, namely Budweiser, Castle and Heineken, are attending a conference where each of them has to give a speech. Before they start all 3 are sitting in the waiting area and an attendant comes and asks them what they would like to drink while they are on stage.

The CEO ...

A Roman walks into a bar, shows 2 fingers and says "5 beers please".

Stolen from Facebook

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A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he's drinking...

He says, "Magic beer. You want one?"
"Aw, that's stupid. There's no such thing" she says.
"Look, I'll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself  out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the  building, and back into bar window.
"That's incredibl...

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

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A pirate walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says "Sure thing. Hey, I couldn't help but notice that you've got a pretty nasty hook for a hand there."

The pirate says "Aye, I lost it in a sword fight."

"Oh that's horrible! Well what about your peg-leg, what happened there?"

"Aye, me leg was blown off by a cann...

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."

The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer.

The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man."

Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things t...

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender

"Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out i...

A man walks into a bar and orders 2 beers.

A man walks into a bar and orders 2 beers.
The man drinks both and leaves the bar.
The next day the man orders two more beers and the bartender asks why he keeps ordering two beers at a time.
The man replies, "I order one for me and one for my brother in Ireland".
And so the man keeps...

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When you see a friend coming out of the bathroom in bar with a bit wet t-shirt, its like drinking americans beer.

You never can be sure if its piss or water.

What do necrophiliacs and beer lovers have in common?

They both enjoy cracking open a cold one.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink

Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
<...

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer

"That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.
...

TIL when some beers pour, they make a distinct melody.

I would try use math to predict which, but I have never been good with lager rhythmic functions.

Who says beer makes you dumb?

It made budweiser.

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What do American beer and having sex in a canoe with some girl have in common?

If you have too much of either, your wife will eventually divorce you!

A bear walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender, "I'll have a..................beer."

The bartender responds, "What's with the big pause?"

The bear holds up his arms and says, "Always had 'em."

Drinking alcoholfree beer is like going down on your sister

It tastes the same, but it feels wrong

How do you keep a Mormon from drinking all of your beer?

Invite another Mormon over

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Why the head of the penis is larger than the shaft.

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure d...

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2 pieces of black pavement walk into a bar, order 2 beers and sit down at a table.

5 minutes later a green piece of pavement walks in, and as soon as it does the black pieces dive under the table to hide, trembling with fear.

The green pavement has a quick drink and leaves the bar.

The barman approaches the black pavement and asked what the problem is, stating "tha...

A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"My girlfriend took one of those home pregnancy tests last night and it shows that she's pregnant," he complains to the bartender. "Are you going to keep it?" the bartender asks. "I don't see the point," the guy replies. "You can only use them once."

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

Where do Martians drink beer?

At a Mars Bar.

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

What do you call a beer run but for when it’s White Claw?

A seltzer sprint.

Microbiotics in sour beer has been found to improve the health of North Belgians.

That proves what's good for the Gose is good for the Flanders.

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A black man goes to a tavern with a parrot on his shoulder and asks for a beer, the cashier asks him where he got him

The parrot said Africa

Can beer make you smarter?

Well it made Bud wiser

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."

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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

How do you know if twelve beers is enough?

It’ll feel like 1 2 many.

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Does your dick touch your ass

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.
the little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enoug...

Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, "I love you."

She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

I said, "It's me talking to the beer."

I don't always put an orange wedge in my beer

Except maybe once in a Blue Moon

A polar bear walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer

The barman says $18 please.

The polar bear pays and takes a seat.

Bemused, the barman approaches and says "this is exciting - we don't get many polar bears in here!", to which the polar bear replies: "I'm not surprised with beer at $18 a pint."

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Three friends are chatting, drinking beer...

The first one says: "lately, I only have sex with my wife once a month..."
The second: "me--once a week..."
The third: "me—two, even three times a week!”
The first: “dude, come on! You don’t even have a wife!!”
3rd: “wait a minute, I thought we were talking about YOUR wife!!!”

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A grandson and his grandfather go fishing when the grandson asks his grandpa for a beer....

“Well can your pecker touch your butt?” The boy confused replies, “uhm no it can’t grandpa”. He looks at him and says “sorry kid not today then”. Some time passes and now the kid has grown into a man and decides to take his grandpa out fishing again. His grandpa opens up a beer and starts fishing wh...

How does the flavour get in beer?

It hops in!

A woman asks a man - "do you drink beer?"

Man: Yeah.

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00, including the tip.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beer...

I like my beer the same way I like my violence.

Domestic

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A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones.

A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was that they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn't drive for shit.

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Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and ...

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Beer Bros

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.


The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.


He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so yo...

I remember 30 years ago with a dollar you went to the supermarket and went out with 2 sandwiches, 1 box of 6 beers and a pack of cigars.

Today, unfortunately, there are cameras everywhere.

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I walked into an Irish pub and sat down with a beer

In the corner sat an old man by himself, looking down. So I got another beer and went to talk to him.

I sat down with him, and asked him what was wrong. He pointed out the window and said:

“You see that beautiful house at the end of the road? That’s my house, I built it myself. Do they...

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Three men are sitting in a bar with a buy 3 get one free special

One says, "this deal is crap, we could go down the street to McVee's, it's buy two get one free"

The second guy says, "yeah well I always go to O'Donnell's, it's buy one get one."

The third says, "that's nothing, I know a bar that gives you the first *three* beers for free, then they t...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I've finally realized that I should never have given Timex my real email address when I filled out my warranty card," he complains to the bartender. "Now it looks like I'm on some sort of a watch list."

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Guy walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer from the bartender.

As he is sipping his beverage, he looks down and sees a gorilla sitting at the other end.

He asks the bartender, "What's with the gorilla?"

The bartender says, "Oh, that's Mable. She does a trick. Want to see it?"

"Sure."

So the bartender whistles and Mable comes lumberin...

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

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Guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer

The bartender asks him "Heineken or Carlsberg?" the guy chooses a carlsberg, drinks 10, walks out and passess out on his stomach on the sidewalk.
A priest goes by, sees the guy with his ass cracking through his pants, can't resist his urges and proceeds to molest the guy.

After a few hours...

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HERCULES: Hey Perseus, have you seen my beer?

PERSEUS: Oh, I think Achilles took it.



HERCULES: Motherfucker!



OEDIPUS: You called?

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A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers. Guy #1 - “What would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?”

Guy #2 - “I would fuck the first thing that moved. What would you do?”

Guy #1 - “I’d sit very fucking still for the next hour!”

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A guy walks into a bar with an emu and a cat.

He sits down at the bar, looks at the emu and says "Emu, want a drink?"

Emu replies: Yeah I'll have a drink!

He turns to the cat and says "Cat, want a drink?"

Cat says "Yeah I'll have a drink, but I'm not fucking paying!"

The man orders 3 beers, the bartender says "That'l...

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A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth.

The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens its mouth and the man shows off his unharmed balls.

He looks around the bar and says, "I'll give anyone here a 100 dollars to try this."

The...

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrig...

3 strings walk into a bar and sit down at a booth.

The first string goes up to the bar and asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender says “We don’t serve strings here, you should leave.”

The string goes back to his buddies and tells them the bad news. The second string is furious, and approaches the bar, and demands 3 beers with his money...

A Beer Before It Starts

Husband sitting on the couch watching TV, yells to the wife in the kitchen “hey babe, will you bring me a beer before it starts?”
Wife: sure

10-15 minutes go by....

Husband: hey babe, will you bring me another beer before it starts?
Wife: I suppose

This continues several m...

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It had better be opened when she brings it to you.

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A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...

She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...

He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...

She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...

She goes home to ...

A guys walks into a bar and orders two beers.

He pounds one and pours the other on his right hand. Promptly he orders two more. Pounding one, he pours the other on his right hand.

He orders another two beers and the bartender asks, "Mister why you drinking one of them beers and pouring the other on your hand?"

"I want my date to...

What kind of beer does a Canadian drink while urinating?

An I pee ey!

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A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton came on the TV.

After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."

Immediately, a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him, and left.

A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on t...

A man walks into a bar and says "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused...

Got home from work tired and fell into the couch. Ask my wife to bring me a beer, said hurry it's about to start

Hollered for a second beer, quick it's going to start any minute. Called for a third, it's just about to start, any second now. She storms in and starts yelling, all you do is lay on that couch and drink beer, you don't pay attention to me, you don't play with the kids, you don't do any chores aroun...

Say "beer can" in a British accent...

There, I just taught you how to say "bacon" in a Jamaican accent. You're welcome.

I read that apparently 1 in 10 young Germans believe Auschwitz is a type of beer.



I tried it once. It wasn't for me. Too gassy...

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