4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

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A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, “that’ll be a dollar”

The guy thinks, “man, that’s cheap,” but the beer was delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. “Bartender, I’ll have your finest wine” bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle. Opening it. Aerating the wine. Pouring it into nice a nice glass and says. “Tha...

Guy walks into a bar with a brown paper bag and orders a beer. The barman delivers but notices something moving in the bag and asks what's in it.

Guy puts his hand in the bag and pulls out a small piano, then a tiny chair and finally a miniature guy in a tuxedo that proceeds to sit down and play.

"That's amazing," says the barman. "Where did you get him?"

Guy pulls a genie's lamp out of his jacket.

"Wow, do you mind if I ...

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer

"That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.
...

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A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers. Guy #1 - “What would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?”

Guy #2 - “I would fuck the first thing that moved. What would you do?”

Guy #1 - “I’d sit very fucking still for the next hour!”

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Drinking non alcoholic beer is like giving oral sex to your sister

It tastes similar, But you know it's wrong.

Barman: "Would you like a beer for your wife?"

"That sounds like a fair swap"

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A very drunk Irish man runs out of money for beer while in a pub...

In desperate need of another drink he says to the bartender "Please, I am out of money but I will do anything for another beer"

The bartender thinks about it for a minute and says "well mate I got a dog in the backroom with an awful toothache, I don't have the heart to pull it out myself but...

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill. "$3", says the bartender.

The man just for fun goes on and places $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up.
...

A drunk, who smelled of stale beer, sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me, Father, what causes arthritis?"

...

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer,

The bartender says, sorry, we don't serve food here.

A Kiwi and an Aussie are fishing one afternoon and have a couple of cold beers

After a while the Kiwi says to the Aussie, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" The Aussie after a great deal of thought, says, "I don't know about related, but it su...

Paddy O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

Paddy O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did...

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "How much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "Free".

The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"

The Bartender replies "Free".

The guy, still amazed, then orde...

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!


Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

Nicolas Maduro walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a beer

"That'll be 1.254,430,197 bolivars, sir!"

"1,279,722,978 bolivars?! No one can afford a 1,327,003,407 bolivar beer!"

What’s the different between beer nuts and deer nuts?

One of them is a dollar fifty and the other is just under a buck.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I just emailed in my application form for a dominatrix club..." he tells the bartender.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I just emailed in my application form for a dominatrix club..." he tells the bartender. "What happened?" the bartender asks. "I got an instant reply thanking me for my submission."

I'm highly skeptical over the existence of "alcohol-free beer"...

There's literally zero proof.

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Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.

"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," ...

I told me friends a joke about old beer last night,

But it fell flat.

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A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as ...

Did you hear about the Irishman caught stealing beer?

His name was Nick McGuinness .

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A man walks in to a bar, and says "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."

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​

The bartender says, "Seems as though you’ve got a major stuttering problem."

​

The man replies, "N-n-no k-k-k-idding!"

​

The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me o...

Blind guy walks into a bar. He sits down, orders a beer and after a while asks the bartender if she wants to hear a blonde joke.

The barkeep replies, "Before you say anything else, you should probably know that I'm a blonde. So is the woman sitting next to you. There are also a couple of blondes playing pool behind you, one of them is twice your size. So, you still wanna tell the joke?" The blind guy pauses for a second, then...

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer

None. It should already be open when she hands it to you.

One night in Baghdad, an American, an Englishman and an Iraqi were sitting, chilling with cold beer in a night bar.

The American took his glass, drank the beer, threw the glass into the air, pulled his pistol, shot the glass, commenting that they have such cheap glasses in America that they do not have to drink from the same one twice.

The Englishman, impressed, grabs his glass and does the same thing as ...

A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the barman "I'll have a beer and a mop please"

That is all

What do you call a physicist that only drinks one beer?

Einstein.

Pete and Billy are sitting and drinking beer

when Billy’s dog starts licking his own balls. Peter admires that and finally says, “man I would like to be able to do that”
Then Billy says “that’s not a problem, just pet him a little bit first”

What's my favourite beer?

The next one.

The guy is carrying a keg of beer

It's Friday evening, great weather, long weekend ahead. Everything is just perfect.

Suddenly he sees some rusty antique lamp in a pile of garbage. Curious, he picks it up.
Surely enough genie appears.

- what's your wish?

- what, just one?

- yep, this is a used lamp, o...

In the Store with my wife I saw a box of beer on offer for half price so I said can I have them? she said no, budget is tight, I said well you just bought lots of makeup, she replied, that is to make me look beautiful, I replied..

That is what the beer was for.

I can only have one beer when watching Star Wars.

Only one Peroni.

A woman asks a man - "do you drink beer?"

Man: Yeah.

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00, including the tip.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beer...

What do you get when you pour root beer into a square glass?

Beer.

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Today I saw a woman texting and driving

I was so pissed off that I rolled down my window and I threw my beer at her

Three logicians walk into a bar.

Three logicians walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, would you all like beer?

The first one says, um… I don’t know.

The second says, um… I don’t know.

The third one immediately says yes.

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Beer versus Religion

Top Ten Reasons
Beer is better than Religion

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

6. When you have Bee...

A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says.,.

“Five beers, please.”

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm sick of the wife complaining. Last night she said 'You always come home from work in a bad mood. I can't remember the last time you walked through that door with a smile on your face.'" the guy says. "Of course she can't. She wasn't living there then."

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A man and a woman are at a bar having a few beers.

They start talking and soon realize they’re both doctors. After an hour the man says, “Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached.”

The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes into the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up l...

"Do you have some cold beer mate?"

"Like my ex-wife's heart."

"You could have just said that you don't have any."

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer...

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives hi...

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What's a vampire's beer of choice?

Bloodweiser. (Or Blood Light, if he's a total pussy.)

A man gets caught letting his son drink some of his beer...

A witness sees this and yells "Hey! You can't give that child beer!"

The man replies, "Well, I ran out of whiskey!"

What’s the proper plural of beer?

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​

Sixpack.

Why was the craft beer snob sad?

He had saisonal depression.

A Quality Assurance engineer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The QA then proceeds to order 999,999,999 beers, 0 beers, a lizard, -1 beers, and plate of ueicbksjdhd.

The first real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefore I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.

Why is beer the best cure for a hangover?

Because it's good for what ales you.

A gal walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"What have you been up to today?" the bartender asks. "Funny you should ask. My horoscope said that my ex would pop up today," the gal says. "I've been down at the river all day, and luckily, no sign of him so far."

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant...

...I can’t pull anything out in time!

My grandfather was sipping a beer when he confessed to me he'd drunk more than usual the day before.

"What's more than usual?" I asked.

"A case."

"You can drink a case in a day?!"

"Well," he grumbled defensively, "it doesn't take all day."

"Beer Runner" goes free after being arrested for stealing 23 beers...

The DA didn't have a case

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American beer is like having sex in a canoe

It's fucking close to water

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."

Guy goes into a bar

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve beers and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cen...

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Magic Beer

An oldie. Potential repost. Because everything is reposti.


A woman sees a a very handsome man sitting at the bar in an upscale rooftop pub. She convinces herself she needs to talk to this guy, and sits down beside him.

'What are you drinking?" The woman asks.

"This is magic ...

Someone asked if I ever put an orange slice in my beer.

Once, in a Blue Moon.

Just tried kangaroo beer

It was a bit too hoppy for me.

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Bears in Bars in Butte, Montana

One beautiful springtime day, a bear wakes up after a long winter's sleep, smacks his lips, and decides he's going to go to town to get a beer.

Just so happens that this bear's home is nearby Butte, Montana, and he found it pretty easy to find a bar. He walks on in, takes a stool, lays his bi...

Why isn’t beer served at math parties?

They need something with more proof!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I put an ad on Craigslist today trying to sell my pet python," he tells the bartender. "Is it big?" the bartender asks. "It's freakin' huge!" the guy replies. "How many feet?" the bartender asks. "None you idiot," the guy replies. "It's a snake."

My uncle has ordered the same American beer at the bar for 9 years now

I must say, that’s a commitment to the coors.

I like my craft beers like I like my abuse...

Domestic

Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarcerati...

A man walks into a bar and says "G-g-give me a b-b-beer". The bartender says "One b-b-beer coming r-r-right up".

Halfway through the beer a Texan comes in and says in his thick Texas accent, "Gimme a taaall beeeer."

The bartender says in a similar thick Texas accent, "One taaall beeeer coming riiight up."

The first guy says to the bartender, "Hey, are you m-m-making f-f-f-f-fun of m-m-me?"
...

An artist walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I don't like the way the art world is going. I've read that in the future many exhibitions will only feature digital images displayed on plasma screens in darkened, futuristic galleries," he complained to the bartender. "I'm going to miss the art formerly known as prints.

What kind of beer do Soviets drink?

Vodka

A dog walks into a bar and says, “a pint of beer, please.” The bartender says, “wow, you should be in the circus.”

The dog says, “why, do they need electricians?”

How does Moses make beer?

Hebrews.

Group of beers get in line for a night club.

Doorman goes up to the empty one and says, "Your friends are alright, but you can't come in."

"Why not?" he asks.

"You're drunk!"

Worms

Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:

1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water

The next day, the teacher shows the results:

The 1st worm in beer, dead.

The 2nd in wine, dead.

The 3rd in whiskey, dead.

The 4th in ...

We all know Donald Trump doesn’t drink alcohol. But did you know he won’t drink non-alcoholic beer either?

It’s fake booze.

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A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer...

Taking the beer, he takes a few sips.

A couple sits down next to him, orders drinks and starts up a conversation with the cowboy. They ask him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

The cowboy thinks for a moment, and says "Well, I guess so. I ride horses, herd cattle, wear cowboy boots, work out...

A guy walks into a bar and order dinner and a beer.

"It's good to get out and eat for once. When I eat at home the food is always so cold and bland," he tells the bartender. "Why is that?" the bartender asks. "I don't know," the guy replies. "I'm guessing because my wife really puts her heart and soul into cooking for me."

Connor Mcgregor’s beer just came available at my local bar...

I hear it’s on tap.

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Two guys walk into a bar and take turns ordering rounds of beer.

After a few rounds have passed, one guy drains his mug and says to the other, "Your round." "Well so are you, you fat jerk," the other guy replies.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer." And so on.

The bartender hands them two glasses of beer and says, "You guys need to know your limits."

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The magical beer...

A girl enters a bar and sits close to a nice looking man.

' I am sorry what are you driking?'-asks the girl.

' I am drinking a magical beer.'- nswers him calmly.

' What do you mean with magic?' - asks the girl surprised.

' Well look. After I drink this, I can fly in the s...

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A teetotaling woman walks into a bar dead set on getting people to stop drinking. She sits next to an older gentleman drinking a beer.

The woman asks, "Excuse me, how many beers do you drink per day?"

"Usually about three."

"And how much do you pay for a beer?"

"Including tip? About $5 per beer."

"How long have you been drinking beer?"

"Oh, about twenty years, I guess."

"So, at three beers ...

After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer.

As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, "Jesus, what is the
meaning of life?"

To which Jesus replies, "You slave in the sun to support the ones you love.
You make money so you can buy things for your family to keep them happy."

The man asks, "Jesus, why is life so h...

The lady who had crashed her SUV complained to the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a bottle at the time.

The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own garden!

A man walks into a bar and says "Gimme a beer before it begins!".

He gets the beer, drinks it and says: "Gimme another one before it begins!" After drinking that one, he says "Another before it begins!".

The guy drinks a few more beers that way before the bartender asks him: "Who's paying for this?"

The guy replies: "And it begins..."

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During the summer I bought two six packs of beer that was on sale

During the summer I bought two six packs of beer that was on sale. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde, was filling up her car at the next pump.

It was very warm and she was wearing ...

How can you tell that beer contains estrogen?

Because when guys drink it, they can’t drive, or shut up.

A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a............beer." The bartender responds, "what's with the big pause?"

The bear holds up his arms and says, "always had 'em."

What does the Canadian guy says he does after drinking a really hoppy beer?

IPA!

A horse walks into a bar; the bartender asks, "Hello, do you want a beer?" The horse responds, "I think not," and promptly disappears.

Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher, Rene Descartes, who famously said, "I think, therefore I am." The horse thought not, and therefore wasn't...

But if I had explained that first, I would have been putting Descartes before...

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

The...

Brett Kavanaugh: “I HAD A BAD WEEK!”

Lindsay Lohan: “Hold my beer. “

Brett Kavanaugh: “THANK YOU I LOVE BEER”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A law student walks into the bar and orders a beer.

"Um, we dont serve beer".

Slightly miffed, the law student says, "pint of cider then?"

"Yeah, we dont have any cider either".

"Well, you must at least have a glass of fucking wine?" asks the law student, infuriated.

"No sir, we don't. Now please take your seat, the bar...

The Irishman and the three beers.

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.



The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.



An hour later, the man has finished the three beers ...

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I lost pretty badly at beer pong to a chick with a bad boob job.

She really wanted a re-rack.

I asked my buddy if he always puts an orange wedge in his beer.

He said, "Ehh not really. Maybe once in a Blue Moon."

What is the difference between beer and cider?

I never had to buy Plan B after cumming in beer.

A guy is sitting in a bar with a beer. He doesn't look happy.

Another guy (who is decidedly bigger and stronger than the first one) comes in, sits down next to the first guy and slaps him on the shoulder. Without asking, he takes the beer of the unhappy man and drinks it. The smaller guy starts sobbing. "Don't make such a fuss!" says the big guy. "It's just a ...

Whenever you drink a beer you shorten your lifespan by 9 minutes

I've done the calculations. I died in 1623.