Sam walks into a bar on his birthday

It was Sam’s birthday, he just turned 18, finally a man (Sam lives in the Uk). In the excitement of being able to finally buy a pint from the bar without having to worry about being asked for ID, he approaches the woman who was bartending.

Sam, having a lack of knowledge with drinks, asks the...

What’s the difference between juice and cider?

A date can’t end with you in juice.

I know a bit early but .....,

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
per-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more...

“Waiter, there’s a moth in my cider!”

“I’m so sorry sir! Let me get you a darker cider.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife really likes cider

She tries all the new brands but she's gone a little wild over her new favourite, she can't get enough. Last week I was going to have a guys night with my buddies and she asked me to drop her off at the pub first. So with my buddies waiting in the car, I pulled into the parking lot and she jumped ou...

A man was spotted carrying several stolen flannel shirts and scarves, as well as two gallons of cider

when stopped by police the man claimed that he was "just a Fall guy"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though; he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself,...

Jack got chatting with a girl in a bar last night,

"Can I buy you a drink?" He asked.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," Jack assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.
A few drinks later after ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between beer and cider?

I never had to buy Plan B after cumming in beer.

An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink.

The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it.

The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead.

He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider.

Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of ...

How do you make hard cider?

Put it in the freezer.

Cider

"Please Miss, I've hurt my finger," said little Rosie to her teacher. "Have you got any cider?"

Puzzled, the teacher asked her why she wanted cider.

"Because I heard my sister telling her friend that when she gets a prick in her hand she always puts it in cider."

I’m becoming one of those people who spends all of their money on apple products.

I’m addicted to cider.

IN CIDER

A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.
"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.
"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.
"Well," sobs the little girl...

My brother spilled apple juice on my laptop

It was a cider attack

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone knows Charles Dickens as a famous author of great classics. Lesser known is his short-lived Apple Cider business. He had to close it after complaints of unexpected pregnancies.

It may seem strange, but what do you expect when you have Dickens Cider?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Real men don't drink cider...

They cum in cider

(NSFW) Little Jonny is in sewing class

when all of a sudden, he clumsily catches himself with the sewing needle. Seeing that he is bleeding, the teacher offers him a plaster. ‘That won’t do Miss’, says Little Jonny. ‘What I need is some cider’. ‘Don’t be ridiculous’, says the teacher. ‘What on earth for?’ Little Jonny replies, ‘My sister...

It’s nice to see that celebrities have taken up book writing during the pandemic

One Direction by Kanye West

Guitars by Mel Gibson

Mining by Brad Pitt

Pear Cider by Katy Perry

Ship Building by Tom Cruise

How to Move Things by Jim Carrey

Escape from Prison by Morgan Freeman

American Motors by Harrison Ford

Wild Animals by Wi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whilst trimming my neighbours hedge I was stung on the hand by a wasp. She told me that putting it in cider would soothe the pain.

Well I did that and not only did it do nothing to null the pain, I also now have a court hearing for sexual misconduct!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between apple juice and apple cider?

Your sister doesn't care if you cum in juice but she won't let you cum in cider.

Cider shortage

A pressing issue

I'm gonna make apple cider using only apples that fell from the tree.

I'll call it Apple Suicider

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new drink has become the latest craze.

Bars are now serving the Dickens Cider, a popular drink among many women.
It started gaining popularity when someone decided to serve it warm, greatly improving its taste, with posts all over social media about how good it is, one video in particular having a lady drink 2 whole pints in one go!...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Took my son out for his first Pint today.

I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it, I had it. Then I got him a Budweiser, he didn't like that either, I had it. It was the same with the Guinness and the Cider. By the time we got down to the Whisky,

I could hardly push the fucking pram.

You can call me Apple.

Because I'm always in cider.

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first beer.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from home.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Possibly too strong a taste, so I bought him a Worthington's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Possibly something lighter? I thought he might like a local lager...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once had sex in an apple orchard.

I came in cider.

Lately I've been drinking too much cider

My friends call me an appleholic

My wife calls me "her apple."

I agreed, and I replied that I am her apple indeed, because I would very much like to be in cider

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a Pornstar's favourite drink?

7 Up in Cider.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a female necrophiliac's favorite drink? NSFW

An ice cold Dickens's Cider

Little Johnny gets a splinter

Not mine, heard it years back. I hope it hasn't been posted in some time.


One day little Johnny is climbing a tree in his backyard when he gets a splinter. Moving as fast as he can, he runs into the house screaming for his mother.


"Mommy! Mommy! Help! Help! I need cider, quic...

Why do cinnamon sticks have such great stock advice all the time?

Because there all in cider, trading.

If quarantine is knocking you down here are some things you can try to get back up again:

Drink a whiskey drink

Drink a vodka drink

Drink a lager drink

Drink a cider drink

Sing the songs that remind you of the good times

Sing the songs that remind you of the better times

I hear Snow White's been turnin' tricks at ye olde tavern...

she said she wanted 7 Up & cider!

I went to an apple orchard today. I had a lot of fun but I kind of embarrassed myself in front of the attractive tour guide.

Yeah, I slipped in cider.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A law student walks into the bar and orders a beer.

"Um, we dont serve beer".

Slightly miffed, the law student says, "pint of cider then?"

"Yeah, we dont have any cider either".

"Well, you must at least have a glass of fucking wine?" asks the law student, infuriated.

"No sir, we don't. Now please take your seat, the bar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's better than being up to your ankles in whiskey?

Being up to your balls in cider!

Did you hear about the orchard owner that made a girlfriend out of apples?

He came in cider.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shotgun to the Crotch

Lem and Ephis are out hunting. They take a break to take a squirt in the woods when one of the dogs knocks over one of the shotguns. The gun goes off and hitting Ephis directly in the crotch.

Ephis screams in pain!

"Oh my God, Ephis!" says Lem, "We're going to have to get you to see ...

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

Son: "Dad where did I come from?"

Dad: "One day your mother and I were walking through an apple orchard..."

Son *rolls eyes*: "And you grabbed an apple not far from a tr..."


Dad: "I slipped in cider."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gamer walks into a bar...

...and asks the barkeep "you got a console to play on?" And the barkeep says "yeah, but only have one game for it." The gamer shrugs, orders a cider and sits down to play.

While he's playing another guy walks in and says "hey, that guy with the cider is playing my game!" And the barkeep asks...

limerick

there was a young lady from clyde

who ate a bad apple & died.

the apple fermented,

inside the lamented,

making cider inside her insides!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Challenge [NSFW]

A man walks into a bar, reaching the counter a sign hangs above the bar stating, “Complete The Challenge and Win Free Alcohol for Life!” Intrigued by this the man asks the bartender what exactly is the challenge. “Well first off you have to drink a gallon of apple cider vinegar, second we keep a gat...

I once went out with a girl that was obsessed with apples

I didn't realize how crazy she really was until she put me in cider

There once was an apple farm...

...which was ran by an old farmer, his daughter, and a hired hand. One day the daughter and the hired hand were working in the cider mill when one of the cider vats became clogged. The hired hand put on a long rubber glove and set to work un-clogging it. Just then, he received a phone call from the ...

A man is driving down a country lane and wants to smoke a cigarette but doesn't have a light.

He sees a small pub and decides to go in and buy some matches.

Upon entering, the barman greets him with, "Hi. What can I get you?"

"That's very kind," replies the man. "I'll have a pint of cider."

The barman pours the cider and says, "That'll be £2.49."

"What?" asks the ...

Got an alcoholic pregnant the other day...

I came in cider

My only joke

A guy is the best man at his friends wedding. Now, after the ceremony was over and done with, the groom, bride, bridesmaid, and best man all decide to play a game of sackrace. The winner would get a free jug of cider, which may seem underwhelming but our guy was fairly thirsty. Everyone lines up to ...

My girlfriend gets mad at me when I’m having a beer and can’t finish...

So last night I came in cider.

I've protected my laptop by placing several alcoholic fruity beverages on top of it.

I guess I misunderstood when people told me to focus on cider security.

A small boy gets a splinter in his finger....

A small boy gets a splinter in his finger and goes running to his parents and demands a glass of cider. After a while they give in and give the boy the cider. He puts his finger in but he cries as it hurts and doesn’t get rid of the splinter. Curious his parents asks him why he did that and he said ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember when I took my son to the pub for the first time I bought him a pint of bitter,

he didn't like it so I drank it, I bought him a pint of lager,

same thing,

cider same thing,

alcopops, same thing.

I bought him the full selection of spirits,he didn't like any of them so I had to finish them off,

so we finally went home.

How the fuck I ...

what did the cult leader replace his punch with to be more fall festive

sui-cider

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother sat down with my girlfriend and I. He said, "Pal, I've got a confession to make. Last night I had sex with your girlfriend. We went to a party, she was drinking beer, I was drinking wine. One thing led to another..."

I turned to my girlfriend, in shock. "Tell me he's lying."

She said, "He is, it wasn't beer it was cider."

I drank a bunch of Angry Orchard and called my broker

I guess you can say I did some in-cider trading

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first date couldn't of gone any better!

At the bar she ordered sex on the beach and I had my Dickins Cider!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did somebody say limerick? (NSFW)

There once was a man from Bombay

Who fashioned a cunt out of clay

But the heat of his prick

Turned it into a brick

And it chafed all his foreskin away.

________________________



(Can't take credit for that - I read it in a John Irving novel. *The Cide...

How did the angel get on top of the christmas tree?

So one year, Santa was having a bad time of it. The reindeer were threatening a strike, the elves had to recall 30% of their toys due to manufacturing defects, all in all, just a frustrating time.

So Santa stood up and made a very LOUD announcement.

"I am going to my study. I'm tak...

What do you call a spy that sell apples?

An in cider

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man, an Ostrich, and a Cat, Walk Into a Bar...

The bartender, used to these sorts of jokes, lets it slide. "What'll you have?" he asks the trio.

"I'll have a pint," the man says.
"Just a Coke for me," says the ostrich.
"I'll have a scotch," the cat says. He looks at the man, "so long as you're buying."

"Right," the bartender ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A range of alcoholic drinks is being produced named after famous authors

.... Dickens Cider is proving very popular

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] where's the best place to have sex?

In an Apple orchard, you always get to cum in cider.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Horse Names banned by the British Horse Racing Authority

Chit Hot

Chocolate Starfish

Choke the Chicken

Curl One Off

Dick Face

Harry Azzol

Harry Balls

Harry Monk

Hugh G Dildeaux

Hugh G Rection

Hugh Gass Kisser

Hugh Gorgy

Hugh Janus

Ima Hoare

Ima Goodlay
...

What did Snow White get when she went to the pub with the Dwarves?

Seven Up n' Cider

My Dad's favourite joke

An Alien, tired after a long galactic trip, finds himself in the deepest, darkest fathoms of the West Country. With such a long distance travelled, he decides to wet his whistle in one of the West Countries many pub. As we all know however, these are not the friendliest of places...

So the Al...

My wife got a prick in her hand while sewing.

"Stick it in cider," I said.

"What good'll that do?"

"I dunno, but there's this woman at work who says every time she gets a prick in her hand she sticks it in cider."

Does anyone have a recipe for sausage and apples?

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted tonight and she said she could use a wiener in cider.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Wasp

There once was a wasp, he wasn't very happy with his life in the hive. One day he decided to go back to high school. After his senior year he graduated with flying colours, a 4.0 GPA, honours with distinction and 4 scholarships. After high school he applies to Harvard. Of course, he gets accepted an...

Why does Melania Trump love the Christmas season?

Because there’s no orange in cider.

A girl falls off the seesaw

and gets a splinter in her finger.
She runs inside and asked her aunt for a cup of cider,
Her aunt asks "why do you want a cup of cider?"
She replies "well, every time my sister has a prick in her hand,
she want to put it in cider"

I was getting drunk with this cute girl and booze was going everywhere.

Then suddenly I slipped in cider.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The estate of Charles Dickens is too make alcoholic beverages from the apples on their land

The slogan is "All the girls love a Dickens Cider"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.