Cider Jokes - 77 Hilarious Cider Jokes

When four of Santa's elves got sick...

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When went to harness the reindeer, he fou...

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What’s the best brand of apple cider?

Dicken’s Cider.

IN CIDER

A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.
"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.
"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.
"Well," sobs the little girl...

“Waiter, there’s a moth in my cider!”

“I’m so sorry sir! Let me get you a darker cider.”

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Real men don't drink cider...

They cum in cider

How do you make hard cider?

Put it in the freezer.

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Took my son out for his first Pint today.

I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it, I drank it. Then I got him a Budweiser, he didn't like that either, I drank it. It was the same with the Guinness and the Cider. By the time we got down to the Whisky,

I could hardly push the fucking pram. (Stroller for Americans.)

My visit to Poland

I met a Polish friend of mine and told him I want to explore what Poland has to offer.
I asked about the beer culture.
“We have lots of beers, ales, ciders, lagers, you name it!”
“Great, what would you recommend?”
“Anything Czech…”
So instead we went out for lunch.
“...

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My favorite brand of cider is Dicken's.

My wife also loves Dicken's cider. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink.

The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it.

The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead.

He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider.

Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of ...

A man was spotted carrying several stolen flannel shirts and scarves, as well as two gallons of cider

when stopped by police the man claimed that he was "just a Fall guy"

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A law student walks into the bar and orders a beer.

"Um, we dont serve beer".

Slightly miffed, the law student says, "pint of cider then?"

"Yeah, we dont have any cider either".

"Well, you must at least have a glass of fucking wine?" asks the law student, infuriated.

"No sir, we don't. Now please take your seat, the bar...

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What is the difference between beer and cider?

I never had to buy Plan B after cumming in beer.

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Brewing company Hart Dickins is catering to its female customer base with a new alcoholic apple cider.

After all, what woman wouldn't want a Hart Dickins cider?

Apple/orchard jokes needed!

I work at an apple orchard as an orchardist. I also tent to narrate the hay rides a lot. I've tried to Google apple jokes but could only find two decent ones.

What is darth vaders favorite apple? Empire apples

Why did the chicken cross the orchard? To get to the other cider

Tho...

I've decided to have my girlfriend nickname me Apple

Cos I'll just be all up in cider

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

Son: "Dad where did I come from?"

Dad: "One day your mother and I were walking through an apple orchard..."

Son *rolls eyes*: "And you grabbed an apple not far from a tr..."

Dad: "I slipped in cider."

(NSFW) Little Jonny is in sewing class

when all of a sudden, he clumsily catches himself with the sewing needle. Seeing that he is bleeding, the teacher offers him a plaster. ‘That won’t do Miss’, says Little Jonny. ‘What I need is some cider’. ‘Don’t be ridiculous’, says the teacher. ‘What on earth for?’ Little Jonny replies, ‘My sister...

Little Johnny gets a splinter

Not mine, heard it years back. I hope it hasn't been posted in some time.

One day little Johnny is climbing a tree in his backyard when he gets a splinter. Moving as fast as he can, he runs into the house screaming for his mother.

"Mommy! Mommy! Help! Help! I need cider, quic...

What’s the difference between juice and cider?

A date can’t end with you in juice.

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A gamer walks into a bar...

...and asks the barkeep "you got a console to play on?" And the barkeep says "yeah, but only have one game for it." The gamer shrugs, orders a cider and sits down to play.

While he's playing another guy walks in and says "hey, that guy with the cider is playing my game!" And the barkeep asks...

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What's the difference between apple juice and apple cider?

Your sister doesn't care if you cum in juice but she won't let you cum in cider.

Cider

"Please Miss, I've hurt my finger," said little Rosie to her teacher. "Have you got any cider?"

Puzzled, the teacher asked her why she wanted cider.

"Because I heard my sister telling her friend that when she gets a prick in her hand she always puts it in cider."

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What is a pornstars favorite drink?

7 up n cider

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What’s a porn stars favorite drink?

7up in cider

Why did the chicken cross the orchard ?

To get to the other cider..

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Shotgun to the Crotch

Lem and Ephis are out hunting. They take a break to take a squirt in the woods when one of the dogs knocks over one of the shotguns. The gun goes off and hitting Ephis directly in the crotch.

Ephis screams in pain!

"Oh my God, Ephis!" says Lem, "We're going to have to get you to see ...

Lately I've been drinking too much cider

My friends call me an appleholic

I'm gonna make apple cider using only apples that fell from the tree.

I'll call it Apple Suicider

Did you hear about the orchard owner that made a girlfriend out of apples?

He came in cider.

I once went out with a girl that was obsessed with apples

I didn't realize how crazy she really was until she put me in cider

What is the number one exported alcoholic beverage of the Caymen Islands?

Caymen Cider. I hear it's pretty filling.

Girl in the bar

I got chatting with a girl in a bar last night,

\- "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.

\- "Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.

\- "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.

\- "Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she...

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Why did the prostitute get angry after having sex in an apple orchard?

Because her client came in cider.

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Whilst trimming my neighbours hedge I was stung on the hand by a wasp. She told me that putting it in cider would soothe the pain.

Well I did that and not only did it do nothing to null the pain, I also now have a court hearing for sexual misconduct!

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Everyone knows Charles Dickens as a famous author of great classics. Lesser known is his short-lived Apple Cider business. He had to close it after complaints of unexpected pregnancies.

It may seem strange, but what do you expect when you have Dickens Cider?

A man is driving down a country lane and wants to smoke a cigarette but doesn't have a light.

He sees a small pub and decides to go in and buy some matches.

Upon entering, the barman greets him with, "Hi. What can I get you?"

"That's very kind," replies the man. "I'll have a pint of cider."

The barman pours the cider and says, "That'll be £2.49."

"What?" asks the ...

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A new drink has become the latest craze.

Bars are now serving the Dickens Cider, a popular drink among many women.
It started gaining popularity when someone decided to serve it warm, greatly improving its taste, with posts all over social media about how good it is, one video in particular having a lady drink 2 whole pints in one go!...

If quarantine is knocking you down here are some things you can try to get back up again:

Drink a whiskey drink

Drink a vodka drink

Drink a lager drink

Drink a cider drink

Sing the songs that remind you of the good times

Sing the songs that remind you of the better times

A small boy gets a splinter in his finger....

A small boy gets a splinter in his finger and goes running to his parents and demands a glass of cider. After a while they give in and give the boy the cider. He puts his finger in but he cries as it hurts and doesn’t get rid of the splinter. Curious his parents asks him why he did that and he said ...

I’m becoming one of those people who spends all of their money on apple products.

I’m addicted to cider.

Clueless Neighbor

My neighbor is a nice guy but he can be a little clueless. His wife spends every weekend out with her coworkers but he doesn't mind because he loves to work in their garden. One day when I was mowing the backyard I saw that he was pruning his prize roses when he started using colorful language and h...

You can call me Apple.

Because I'm always in cider.

It’s nice to see that celebrities have taken up book writing during the pandemic

One Direction by Kanye West

Guitars by Mel Gibson

Mining by Brad Pitt

Pear Cider by Katy Perry

Ship Building by Tom Cruise

How to Move Things by Jim Carrey

Escape from Prison by Morgan Freeman

American Motors by Harrison Ford

Wild Animals by Wi...

Why do apples avoid being seen with Martha Stewart?

to avoid suspicion of in-cider trading

My wife calls me "her apple."

I agreed, and I replied that I am her apple indeed, because I would very much like to be in cider

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What is a female necrophiliac's favorite drink? NSFW

An ice cold Dickens's Cider

I went to an apple orchard today. I had a lot of fun but I kind of embarrassed myself in front of the attractive tour guide.

Yeah, I slipped in cider.

I hear Snow White's been turnin' tricks at ye olde tavern...

she said she wanted 7 Up & cider!

Got an alcoholic pregnant the other day...

I came in cider

My brother spilled apple juice on my laptop

It was a cider attack

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What's better than being up to your ankles in whiskey?

Being up to your balls in cider!

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So there was this wasp who lives in a jungle. (long)

So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would g...

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"I went to the annual Dickens Fair, and now my wife wants a divorce."

A man trudges into a bar and slumps down on a stool.

"Hey, buddy," the bartender says, "you look pretty down. What's eating you?"

The man sighs and shrugs. "I went to the annual Dickens Fair, and now my wife wants a divorce."

"Isn't that just a bunch of Victorian costumes, usele...

A girl falls off the seesaw

and gets a splinter in her finger.
She runs inside and asked her aunt for a cup of cider,
Her aunt asks "why do you want a cup of cider?"
She replies "well, every time my sister has a prick in her hand,
she want to put it in cider"

limerick

there was a young lady from clyde

who ate a bad apple & died.

the apple fermented,

inside the lamented,

making cider inside her insides!

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Did somebody say limerick? (NSFW)

There once was a man from Bombay

Who fashioned a cunt out of clay

But the heat of his prick

Turned it into a brick

And it chafed all his foreskin away.

________________________

(Can't take credit for that - I read it in a John Irving novel. *The Cide...

I drank a bunch of Angry Orchard and called my broker

I guess you can say I did some in-cider trading

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first beer.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from home.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Possibly too strong a taste, so I bought him a Worthington's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Possibly something lighter? I thought he might like a local lager...

what did the cult leader replace his punch with to be more fall festive

sui-cider

My wife got a prick in her hand while sewing.

"Stick it in cider," I said.

"What good'll that do?"

"I dunno, but there's this woman at work who says every time she gets a prick in her hand she sticks it in cider."

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My first date couldn't of gone any better!

At the bar she ordered sex on the beach and I had my Dickins Cider!

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My brother sat down with my girlfriend and I. He said, "Pal, I've got a confession to make. Last night I had sex with your girlfriend. We went to a party, she was drinking beer, I was drinking wine. One thing led to another..."

I turned to my girlfriend, in shock. "Tell me he's lying."

She said, "He is, it wasn't beer it was cider."

What do you call a spy that sell apples?

An in cider

Why do cinnamon sticks have such great stock advice all the time?

Because there all in cider, trading.

If you ever get a splinter, dip it in alcohol.

Whenever my mum had a prick in her hand, she'd put it in cider.

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A range of alcoholic drinks is being produced named after famous authors

.... Dickens Cider is proving very popular

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[NSFW] where's the best place to have sex?

In an Apple orchard, you always get to cum in cider.

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I remember when I took my son to the pub for the first time I bought him a pint of bitter,

he didn't like it so I drank it, I bought him a pint of lager,

same thing,

cider same thing,

alcopops, same thing.

I bought him the full selection of spirits,he didn't like any of them so I had to finish them off,

so we finally went home.

How the fuck I ...

Why was the liquor trader arrested?

Because he was in cider trading

Does anyone have a recipe for sausage and apples?

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted tonight and she said she could use a wiener in cider.

I was getting drunk with this cute girl and booze was going everywhere.

Then suddenly I slipped in cider.

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The estate of Charles Dickens is too make alcoholic beverages from the apples on their land

The slogan is "All the girls love a Dickens Cider"

Why does Melania Trump love the Christmas season?

Because there’s no orange in cider.

How did the angel get on top of the christmas tree?

So one year, Santa was having a bad time of it. The reindeer were threatening a strike, the elves had to recall 30% of their toys due to manufacturing defects, all in all, just a frustrating time.

So Santa stood up and made a very LOUD announcement.

"I am going to my study. I'm tak...

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The Challenge [NSFW]

A man walks into a bar, reaching the counter a sign hangs above the bar stating, “Complete The Challenge and Win Free Alcohol for Life!” Intrigued by this the man asks the bartender what exactly is the challenge. “Well first off you have to drink a gallon of apple cider vinegar, second we keep a gat...

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Horse Names banned by the British Horse Racing Authority

Chit Hot

Chocolate Starfish

Choke the Chicken

Curl One Off

Dick Face

Harry Azzol

Harry Balls

Harry Monk

Hugh G Dildeaux

Hugh G Rection

Hugh Gass Kisser

Hugh Gorgy

Hugh Janus

Ima Hoare

Ima Goodlay
...

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