Did you hear about the orchard owner that made a girlfriend out of apples?

He came in cider.

Little Johnny gets a splinter

Not mine, heard it years back. I hope it hasn't been posted in some time.


One day little Johnny is climbing a tree in his backyard when he gets a splinter. Moving as fast as he can, he runs into the house screaming for his mother.


"Mommy! Mommy! Help! Help! I need cider, quic...

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My wife really likes cider

She tries all the new brands but she's gone a little wild over her new favourite, she can't get enough. Last week I was going to have a guys night with my buddies and she asked me to drop her off at the pub first. So with my buddies waiting in the car, I pulled into the parking lot and she jumped ou...

A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher.

She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.


"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.


"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.


"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.


"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever...

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Real men don't drink cider...

They cum in cider

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What's a porn stars' favorite drink?

7UP in cider.

What is the difference between beer and cider?

I never had to buy Plan B after cumming in beer.

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

Son: "Dad where did I come from?"

Dad: "One day your mother and I were walking through an apple orchard..."

Son *rolls eyes*: "And you grabbed an apple not far from a tr..."


Dad: "I slipped in cider."

A man was spotted carrying several stolen flannel shirts and scarves, as well as two gallons of cider

when stopped by police the man claimed that he was "just a Fall guy"

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What's the difference between apple juice and apple cider?

Your sister doesn't care if you cum in juice but she won't let you cum in cider.

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Everyone knows Charles Dickens as a famous author of great classics. Lesser known is his short-lived Apple Cider business. He had to close it after complaints of unexpected pregnancies.

It may seem strange, but what do you expect when you have Dickens Cider?

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Shotgun to the Crotch

Lem and Ephis are out hunting. They take a break to take a squirt in the woods when one of the dogs knocks over one of the shotguns. The gun goes off and hitting Ephis directly in the crotch.

Ephis screams in pain!

"Oh my God, Ephis!" says Lem, "We're going to have to get you to see ...

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What happens when a guy an a girl use a fruity alcoholic beverage in bed?

He cums in cider.

How do you make hard cider?

Put it in the freezer.

Got an alcoholic pregnant the other day...

I came in cider

A new ad campaign from "Dixon's," a hard-cider brewery, features a man hitting it off with the hot girl at the bar after buying her a bottle of cider...

You know what they say: every lady loves some Hard Dixon's Cider.

I'm gonna make apple cider using only apples that fell from the tree.

I'll call it Apple Suicider

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Why did the prostitute get angry after having sex in an apple orchard?

Because her client came in cider.

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The Challenge [NSFW]

A man walks into a bar, reaching the counter a sign hangs above the bar stating, “Complete The Challenge and Win Free Alcohol for Life!” Intrigued by this the man asks the bartender what exactly is the challenge. “Well first off you have to drink a gallon of apple cider vinegar, second we keep a gat...

when four of Santa's elves got sick...

when four of Santa's elves got sick the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

then Mrs. Klaus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

when he went to harness the reind...

There once was a lady from China, who had a great big....

...cargo liner.
Shipping drinks of crushed fruit
90 sailors to boot
She had a boat load of sea-men 'n cider

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So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, ...

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A law student walks into the bar and orders a beer.

"Um, we dont serve beer".

Slightly miffed, the law student says, "pint of cider then?"

"Yeah, we dont have any cider either".

"Well, you must at least have a glass of fucking wine?" asks the law student, infuriated.

"No sir, we don't. Now please take your seat, the bar...

I've protected my laptop by placing several alcoholic fruity beverages on top of it.

I guess I misunderstood when people told me to focus on cider security.

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A gamer walks into a bar...

...and asks the barkeep "you got a console to play on?" And the barkeep says "yeah, but only have one game for it." The gamer shrugs, orders a cider and sits down to play.

While he's playing another guy walks in and says "hey, that guy with the cider is playing my game!" And the barkeep asks...

I once went out with a girl that was obsessed with apples

I didn't realize how crazy she really was until she put me in cider

There once was an apple farm...

...which was ran by an old farmer, his daughter, and a hired hand. One day the daughter and the hired hand were working in the cider mill when one of the cider vats became clogged. The hired hand put on a long rubber glove and set to work un-clogging it. Just then, he received a phone call from the ...

My girlfriend gets mad at me when I’m having a beer and can’t finish...

So last night I came in cider.

what did the cult leader replace his punch with to be more fall festive

sui-cider

What's an adult actress' favourite drink?

7-Up in Cider.

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I remember when I took my son to the pub for the first time I bought him a pint of bitter,

he didn't like it so I drank it, I bought him a pint of lager,

same thing,

cider same thing,

alcopops, same thing.

I bought him the full selection of spirits,he didn't like any of them so I had to finish them off,

so we finally went home.

How the fuck I ...

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A range of alcoholic drinks is being produced named after famous authors

.... Dickens Cider is proving very popular

A small boy gets a splinter in his finger....

A small boy gets a splinter in his finger and goes running to his parents and demands a glass of cider. After a while they give in and give the boy the cider. He puts his finger in but he cries as it hurts and doesn’t get rid of the splinter. Curious his parents asks him why he did that and he said ...

I drank a bunch of Angry Orchard and called my broker

I guess you can say I did some in-cider trading

A man is driving down a country lane and wants to smoke a cigarette but doesn't have a light.

He sees a small pub and decides to go in and buy some matches.

Upon entering, the barman greets him with, "Hi. What can I get you?"

"That's very kind," replies the man. "I'll have a pint of cider."

The barman pours the cider and says, "That'll be £2.49."

"What?" asks the ...

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I dropped a Viagra in my applesauce

I got hard cider

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My brother sat down with my girlfriend and I. He said, "Pal, I've got a confession to make. Last night I had sex with your girlfriend. We went to a party, she was drinking beer, I was drinking wine. One thing led to another..."

I turned to my girlfriend, in shock. "Tell me he's lying."

She said, "He is, it wasn't beer it was cider."

Why does Melania Trump love the Christmas season?

Because there’s no orange in cider.

Local Apple grower was sent to federal prison this week...

In cider trading.

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[NSFW] where's the best place to have sex?

In an Apple orchard, you always get to cum in cider.

What did Snow White get when she went to the pub with the Dwarves?

Seven Up n' Cider

What do you call a spy that sell apples?

An in cider

How did the angel get on top of the christmas tree?

So one year, Santa was having a bad time of it. The reindeer were threatening a strike, the elves had to recall 30% of their toys due to manufacturing defects, all in all, just a frustrating time.

So Santa stood up and made a very LOUD announcement.

"I am going to my study. I'm tak...

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A Man, an Ostrich, and a Cat, Walk Into a Bar...

The bartender, used to these sorts of jokes, lets it slide. "What'll you have?" he asks the trio.

"I'll have a pint," the man says.
"Just a Coke for me," says the ostrich.
"I'll have a scotch," the cat says. He looks at the man, "so long as you're buying."

"Right," the bartender ...

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Did somebody say limerick? (NSFW)

There once was a man from Bombay

Who fashioned a cunt out of clay

But the heat of his prick

Turned it into a brick

And it chafed all his foreskin away.

________________________



(Can't take credit for that - I read it in a John Irving novel. *The Cide...

How did me and my sugar make our little rosemary?

When things got spicy, it ended with my cumin cider.

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Horse Names banned by the British Horse Racing Authority

Chit Hot

Chocolate Starfish

Choke the Chicken

Curl One Off

Dick Face

Harry Azzol

Harry Balls

Harry Monk

Hugh G Dildeaux

Hugh G Rection

Hugh Gass Kisser

Hugh Gorgy

Hugh Janus

Ima Hoare

Ima Goodlay
...

My wife got a prick in her hand while sewing.

"Stick it in cider," I said.

"What good'll that do?"

"I dunno, but there's this woman at work who says every time she gets a prick in her hand she sticks it in cider."

Does anyone have a recipe for sausage and apples?

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted tonight and she said she could use a wiener in cider.

What's better than being up to your knees in beer?

Being up to your nuts in cider.

Why was the liquor trader arrested?

Because he was in cider trading

A girl falls off the seesaw

and gets a splinter in her finger.
She runs inside and asked her aunt for a cup of cider,
Her aunt asks "why do you want a cup of cider?"
She replies "well, every time my sister has a prick in her hand,
she want to put it in cider"

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The Wasp

There once was a wasp, he wasn't very happy with his life in the hive. One day he decided to go back to high school. After his senior year he graduated with flying colours, a 4.0 GPA, honours with distinction and 4 scholarships. After high school he applies to Harvard. Of course, he gets accepted an...

I was getting drunk with this cute girl and booze was going everywhere.

Then suddenly I slipped in cider.

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The estate of Charles Dickens is too make alcoholic beverages from the apples on their land

The slogan is "All the girls love a Dickens Cider"

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