UPJOKE
vodkabeerwhiskyrumbrandyginwineboozetequilawhiskeyalcoholschnappsalcoholic drinkhard liquorliqueur

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

Priest: Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.

Alcoholic - Really? What about the guy who sells the liquor? Priest - He will also go to Hell. Alcoholic - Ok, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and put's out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store? Priest - She too will go to Hell. Alcoholic - In that case, I have no problem going ...

I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me “Do you need help?”

I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”

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A young man was delivering liquor to an apartment house.

While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The man smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor guy broke into a swe...

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And nun walks into a liquor store

So, a nun walks into a liquor store and asks the guy behind the counter for a fifth of vodka.

The guy thinks a minute, and says, “Sister, I can’t sell you booze. You’re a nun!”

The nun giggles nervously and says, “Oh, it’s not for me. It’s for Mother Superior.” Then she leans forward a...

Two men are robbing a liquor store…

One says, ‘Is this whisky?’

‘Yes’, the other replies, ‘but not as whisky as wobbing a bank’

I went to the liquor store today

and I bought a bunch of bottles of wine. I’m getting ready to pay, and the cashier asked “you wanna box for those?”

I looked at him and said “nah, I hate violence. Is it cool if I just pay with my card?”

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Two nuns go into a liquor store

They want to buy a gallon of MD2020, the clerk says I can’t sell alcohol to nuns. The nuns say it’s for mother superiors constipation, so he sells it to them. A half an hour later the clerk goes to take out the trash and he finds the two nuns stinking drunk. He says Sisters I’m shocked, you said it ...

I went to the liquor store by bike the other day

I was afraid I could fall and break the bottle of whisky on the way back so I decided to drink it all right there

It was the best decision of my life because on the way back I fell off my bike like three times

Boyz 2 Men is teaming up with Medieval Times to make their own brand of liquor

They make it in the still of the knight

i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occurred to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

A woman smelling strongly of hard liquor wakes up in a police station, dazed and confused.

She asks the first police officer she sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking," replies the officer.

=====

"That's great," says the woman, "when do we start?"

400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City (long)

It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.

A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, 'Ladie...

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A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

a man walks into a liquor store

the store assistant says: "do you need help?"

the man replies: "yes. but I've decided to come here instead"

What spice should you always keep at the liquor store to make older women feel younger?

Cardamom

A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store

He bought some whiskey, and tequila

When he got home, he set them on the table

His son immediately picked up both bottles

The dad asks "What are you doing?!"

The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"

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Bruh— FUCK ratatouille. I put a rat in my hat and he made me rob a liquor store.

The cops do NOT believe me.

Thinking of starting a liquor brand and getting free advertising from the other major labels

I'm going to call it "responsibly"

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The Tale of Three Heavens

Once upon a time, long long ago, in village far far away, there lived a fairly affluent merchant who lived a nice luxurious life in his spacious mansion. The merchant befriended a homeless man who lived in front of the gates of his mansion and often gave him food.

One day, the merchant n...

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Two American business men in the 1980s are visiting Tokyo, Japan to make a business deal with an electronics company

Sadly the CEO (Mr. Yamoto) had an unexpected issue to deal with at one of his factories and couldn't see the men that day, but had his COO (Mr. Hagino) not only invite the two Americans to join them for a round of golf the next day to discuss business, but also to show them around and keep them ent...

How does a French girl hold her liquor?

By the ears.

Teacher Gifts

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she...

A math student invented a new method of making liquor, using electromagnetics to distill alcohol.

Proof by induction.

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

Two police officers are driving down the road

Dispatch notifies them of an abandoned car on the highway a mile up from them. As they drive towards it, one of the officers starts talking to his partner about his problems at home. He explains how his wife complained his performance in bed is unsatisfactory and it makes her not enjoy being around ...

A guy walks into a liquor store and ask for a case of Heineken.

The gal behind the counter replies, "Sorry. We're out of Heineken."

The guy shrugs his shoulders and says, "Fine. Make it Rolling Rock."

The woman replies, "Sorry, but the only cold beer we have in stock is Budweiser."

The man says, "Nope. No way. Last time I drank a case of Bud...

I got stopped at the border and the guard asked me if I had any liquor, illegal guns or illegal drugs.

I took him aside and asked him "Whaddya need?"

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A nun walks into a liquor store...

the owner looks up and says "Well, hello Sister Mary, how can I help you?"
The nun says "I need a fifth of liquor"
The owner reacts with surprise and asks "Why do you want liquor?"
Sister Mary replies "Oh, it's for medicinal purposes"
"Well, in that case" says the owner, and sell her wha...

The staff of this liquor store called the cops on me for stealing Whisky and Vodka.

I don't understand. I was only lifting their spirits.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…”

The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.”

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I wou...

A straw man walks into a bar

Bar tender asks "Why do you hate liquor stores?"

You would think that given their discerning tastes and knowledge about what is best that a mansplainer would only drink top shelf liquor.

But they drink well actually.

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So a nun walks into a liquor store and asks for a bottle...

...finest Irish Whiskey. The clerk says I thought nuns weren't allowed to drink. The nun replies its for father Thomas's constipation. Clerk sells her the whiskey. Couple hours later the clerk sees the nun staggering up the road three sheets to the wind. He accosts her and asks I thought you said it...

Did you know liquor stores are the most haunted places in the country?

they're all full of spirits.

I found 100 bucks outside a liquor store

At first I thought I should just leave it hoping the owner would find it. Then I thought "What would Jesus do?". So I went into the store and turned it into wine.

Why was Roy Moore waiting outside the liquor store when it opened?

He heard they had a 14 year old Brandy

A guy walks into a liquor store without a mask on...

He says, "I'd like a six pack of bud light and a case of corona"

After rewatching Doctor Strange use the Eye of Agamotto

I thought that it would be a good idea to list other lesser known, possibly not as powerful, Eye Relics for those who may not know of their existence.

The Eye of Hellomoto: Helps improve Motorola phone reception.

The Eye of Pickamoco: Aids in clearing the nasal cavity of any sorcerer...

Three village women are walking home from a trip to town...

(Full disclosure: I modified this joke from one in *The Pretty Good Joke Book*)

(Disclaimer: You can assign any nationality or ethnicity you like to these women. To avoid controversy, I'm calling them "Poltroonian")

So these three Poltroonian village women are walking back to their vi...

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A dwarf walks into a liquor store and orders, "I'd like just enough vodka for one."

"Half-pint?"

"Fuck you. Just get the vodka."

How do you know if someone can't hold their liquor?

They bring a coaster.

Apparently Liquor Stores are, “Essential Business,” in New York City

After all, it’s the only way Mayor DeBlasio could manage to make the worst possible decisions in every situation he has ever been in.

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A nude man walks in to a bar. He ordered a shot of the whiskey. The bartender refused to serve his liquor. The nude man was surprised and asked him, is it because I am nude? The bartender replied,

You don't have money on you.

Three friends are sitting around talking about their boyfriends

The first girl says to the other two, “let’s play a game and say a drink that we like that our boyfriends remind us of. I’ll go first. My boyfriend is like sprite; he’s light and bubbly and sooo refreshing after my last couple relationships.”

The second girl says “ok, umm… mine would be a che...

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Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said "Oh Jack, cud ye be after givin' me a pint o' brandy?”

“Sister Mary Katherine!" exclaimed Jack "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in me life!" "Oh Jack, me lad" she responded "tis only for the Mother Superior.” Her voice dropped. "It will be helpin' her with the constipation, you know.”

So Jack sold her the brandy. Later tha...

I work part time at a liquor store, and as a super-villain

They call me, *the menace to sobriety*

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender to line him up 10 shots of his strongest liquor on the counter.

The man proceeds to down all 10 shots in a matter of minutes. The bartender asks him “what’s the special occasion” and the guy responds “I just got my first blowjob”. The bartender responds “congrats, here have a shot on the house”. The guy says “no thanks, if 10 shots won’t get the taste out of my ...

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A nun goes into a liquor store....

And asks for a fifth of brandy. The proprietor is nervous about selling alcohol to a nun. The Sister says, conspiratorially, "It's for Mother Superior's constipation..." Understanding, he nods and sells her the brandy.
That night, after closing the store he goes outside and sees the same nun tota...

90% of the money I have made....

...has been spent on hard liquor, loose women, and other pleasures of the flesh.


The rest I squandered.

I got carded at the liquor store yesterday.

While I was looking for my ID in my wallet my Blockbuster card fell out onto the counter. The guy started laughing and said, "Never mind."

A guy walks up to the liquor store counter and tries to buy a bottle of whiskey with a fake $20 bill.

The elderly woman clerk quickly realized it was fake and became enraged!! She started screaming!! She grabbed his hair and slammed his head on the counter over and over and until he was out cold.

She was so upset that she had a counter fit.

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Fred and Ray go to the liquor store to buy a cheap bottle of booze

Once n the store, they discover that they only have $1.50 between the two of them.

Ray says, 'I've got an idea', and goes next door to the butcher shop and comes back with a polish sausage. 'here Fred, stick this in your pants, I know how we can drink all night for free'.

"What the hel...

Can I see some ID?

*Disclaimer: I heard this joke from Joe Lycett, it's not mine*

I went to an off-license (a liquor shop) to get a bottle to celebrate my new house, and in the shop in front of me was a lad buying a 4-pack of lager beer. Behind the counter was a girl, maybe 18, 20, not much older, and she said ...

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Two nuns go into a liquor store

And ask for a fifth of Jack Daniels.

The clerk looks stun and says, "It is unusual to see nuns buying liquor."

The nuns say, "It is for Mother Superiors constipation." The clerk seems OK with it so he sells them the fifth of liquor. Several hours later he closes the store and after w...

Two Mosquitoes go to a Liquor Store.

One buys O- Blood, and one buys AB- Blood.

Mosquito 1: “You must have really good taste.”

Mosquito 2: “And you’re just whippin’ by for a drink?”

Mosquito 1: “Nah, this kind’s just really easy to get ‘round here.”

Two girls are talking one day when one says what kind of soda pop is your man?

The first girl says "mine is like 7-up seven inches up in it!"
The second girl says "crown royal"
The First girl responds "that's not a soda pop that's a hard liquor!"
The second girl adds "I know he is!"

Liquor probably won't fix your problems...

but it's worth a shot.

I know a bit early but .....,

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
per-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more...

Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store?

They would steal all the boos.

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An angry man walked into a Taverna one evening, and yelled "I hate the Greeks!"

He looked around, at the light blue wall paper, with the white Grecian key pattern going around the top. He stared into the eyes of the bar tender, a strapping young lad with an olive complexion, rich black hair, a glorious unibrow, and piercing green eyes.

"Are you a Greek?" he asked, menaci...

A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store...

...but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"

After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way ...

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A man walked into a bar and asks the bartender for five shots of their most expensive liquor.

A man walked into a bar and asks the bartender "give me five shots of your most expensive liquor."

The bartender : "Yeah no problem buddy, here you go. What are you celebrating for?"

The man : "The first blowjob of my life"

The bartender : " Wow congratulations man! Here take ...

I found fifty bucks inside a liquor store

They were just shopping for a stag party.

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A nun walks into an off-licence (liquor store for you 'muricans)

"I'd like a large bottle of your best Irish whiskey, if you please," she says to the man behind the counter.

"Ah but sister," said the shopkeeper. "I can't be selling such evil liquids to you now, you being a woman of the cloth and all."

The nun looks sternly at the man and says "Don't...

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A nun walks into a liquor store...

(Note: for greatest comedic effect, all dialogue must be read in a bad Irish accent.)

A nun walks into a liquor store, selects a bottle of whiskey, and brings it to the counter. The store owner is shocked she would do such a thing. "Oh, Sister Mary," he says, "what are you doing?"

"It'...

Why did Santa go to the liquor store?

He was looking for the holiday spirits.

Ran out of vodka and decided to ride my bike into the liquor store

Man that hurt.

What is the best liquor for watching Formula 1?

Rrrrruuummmmm

Why did the owner of the liquor store love thieves?

They always lifted his spirits

My boss came into the office and poured us all shots to celebrate the birth of his daughter. I asked why the liquor had little bits of gold floating around in it, and he explained it was Goldschläger

Weird flecks, but ok.

Did you hear about the failed robbery on the liquor store?

They are still looking for the guy, apparently he got away scotch-free.

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Pierre the famous French fighter pilot

Pierre was the most famous fighter pilot in all of France.
When he returned to the small village of his birth, he was received as a hero. All men wanted to be him and all women wanted to be with him.
In the busy market place he spotted a beautiful girl, grabbed her by the waste and whispered i...

“Waiter, the steak is smelling very strongly of liquor!”

The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?”

What is the favorite liquor of every high school English teacher?

Tequila Mockingbird

Which type of liquor does Santa Claus smell like?

It depends on which mall you're at.

I saw a very drunk Kimi Raikkonen trying to order liquor from a bar tender...

"No no, Kimi. You will not have the drink."

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A nun walks in to a liquor store

(this is the best joke my drunk dad ever told me)

A nun walks in to a liquor store while dressed in her habit and grabs a bottle of Jack Daniels. When she gets to the counter, the clerk looked a little more than surprised. She told him, "don't worry, it's medicinal. It's for Mother Superior's...

What do alcoholic insects drink?

Molt liquor

I like my liquor like I like my men...

Hard and fruity

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My preferred method for making liquor involves using my rectum.

It's a little unconventional, butt still.

What do you call an Irishman who can't hold his liquor? [OC]

A quadriplegic.

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Swamped

A Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Southern Baptist and their wives were all on a cruise together. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship, and all the couples drowned. Soon, they're standing before St. Peter at the pearly gates to be judged.

The first in line was the Presbyterian and his ...

If Tom Cruise owned a liquor distillery, what would he call it?

Whiskey Business

How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all of your liquor when you invite them over?

Invite 2 of them

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Sometimes when you drink liquor it really makes you question things. You know what I mean? Like why are we here?

Or...wait really where the fuck am I?

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I recently picked a new primary care doctor

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned forty in July) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"<...

A native lady needed a ride to the liquor store...

She had no money, but needed a ride, so she stuck out her thumb and hitchhiked. A car pulls over and asks where she's headed. She replies, "The liquor store." The driver hesitated... She adds "c'mon, I'll give ya a blowie." "Fine, hop in" the driver says. She gets started right away, and the driver ...

What do you call a handsome tramp who hangs around liquor joints chatting up girls?

A dirty bar stud.

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A Catholic priest walks into a bar

He orders a sex on the beach... bartender replies "great choice, all my liquors for that are well aged over 20yrs." The priest says "no thanks" and leaves.

My Dad has a strange hobby, he likes to collect empty liquor bottles...

...well it sounds so much better than calling him an alcoholic.

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A man sees a priest buying hard liquor on a Sunday...

A man sees a priest buying hard liquor on a Sunday at a shop down the street from the church the priest pastors. Surprised, the man, who went to that church, asked why he was buying Jagermeister.

The priest said, "it's an old secret that Jagermeister helps constipation, which one of the nuns...

A few Americans got sick after they couldn’t hold their liquor in Germany...

One said to the other “man, Oktoberfest really brat out the wurst in us!”

Thanks u/prisonmikeymay for the suggestion.

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So a Nun Walks into a Liquor Store...

...and shyly asks for a bottle of their finest Vodka. The Store own replys, "I'm sorry mam, but your mother superior has already informed me that you are not to buy any alcohol from me."

'But sir!" she replied, "It is for the mother superior. She's....constipated..." and she hands the store o...

A smart drunk

“I was in the mood for a drink so I biked to the local liquor store to buy a bottle of whiskey. At first I was planning to bike home with the bottle in my bike basket but I’m not an idiot and knew it would break if I crashed so I drank it in the parking lot. Thank god I did because I crashed 12 time...

The liquor store ripped me off.

They said they had dry wines, but they were just as wet as the other ones!

Why does President Trump only drink liquor made by Fox News?

Everything else is fake booze.

Where does Piet Mondrian make his own liquor?

At his De Stijllery

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