A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store

He bought some whiskey, and tequila

When he got home, he set them on the table

His son immediately picked up both bottles

The dad asks "What are you doing?!"

The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun goes into a liquor store....

And asks for a fifth of brandy. The proprietor is nervous about selling alcohol to a nun. The Sister says, conspiratorially, "It's for Mother Superior's constipation..." Understanding, he nods and sells her the brandy.
That night, after closing the store he goes outside and sees the same nun tota...

A nude man walks in to a bar. He ordered a shot of the whiskey. The bartender refused to serve his liquor. The nude man was surprised and asked him, is it because I am nude? The bartender replied,

You don't have money on you.

I biked to the liquor store and got a bottle of vodka, but since I didn't have anywhere to secure it I drink the whole thing right there.

It's a good thing I did, because I fell over seven times on the way home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fred and Ray go to the liquor store to buy a cheap bottle of booze

Once n the store, they discover that they only have $1.50 between the two of them.

Ray says, 'I've got an idea', and goes next door to the butcher shop and comes back with a polish sausage. 'here Fred, stick this in your pants, I know how we can drink all night for free'.

"What the hel...

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

I walked into the liquor store, and an employee asked me, “Do you need any help?”

I said, “Yes, but I’ll get whiskey instead.”

I found 100 bucks outside a liquor store

At first I thought I should just leave it hoping the owner would find it. Then I thought "What would Jesus do?". So I went into the store and turned it into wine.

Why did Santa go to the liquor store?

He was looking for the holiday spirits.

Thinking of starting a liquor brand and getting free advertising from the other major labels

I'm going to call it "responsibly"

A guy walks up to the liquor store counter and tries to buy a bottle of whiskey with a fake $20 bill.

The elderly woman clerk quickly realized it was fake and became enraged!! She started screaming!! She grabbed his hair and slammed his head on the counter over and over and until he was out cold.

She was so upset that she had a counter fit.

I saw a very drunk Kimi Raikkonen trying to order liquor from a bar tender...

"No no, Kimi. You will not have the drink."

How does a French woman hold her liquor?

By the ears of course!

Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store

... and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home.

And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen tim...

What is the best liquor for watching Formula 1?

Rrrrruuummmmm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two nuns go into a liquor store

And ask for a fifth of Jack Daniels.

The clerk looks stun and says, "It is unusual to see nuns buying liquor."

The nuns say, "It is for Mother Superiors constipation." The clerk seems OK with it so he sells them the fifth of liquor. Several hours later he closes the store and after w...

Did you hear about the failed robbery on the liquor store?

They are still looking for the guy, apparently he got away scotch-free.

Why did the owner of the liquor store love thieves?

They always lifted his spirits

Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.

Priest - Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Is it? What about the guy who sells the liquor?
Priest - He will also go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Ok, what about the guy who sells pork tacos in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?
Priest - He too will go to Hell....

A woman goes to a tattoo parlor to get her two favorite musicians on her inner thighs...

The tattoo artist finishes up and she is ELATED to see a picture-perfect tattoo of John Lennon on her left inner-thigh and Paul McCartney on her right.

As she walks out, she is so excited to share her new artwork that she goes up to the first person she sees; an old, homeless, wino sitting in...

What do a woman and a bar have in common?

Liquor in the front, poker in the back

Ran out of vodka and decided to ride my bike into the liquor store

Man that hurt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 women sitting on a porch

Three women were sitting on their porch in Alabama, one says "you know I call my husband Big Balls, cause he's got the biggest balls in all of Alabama " The other two chuckle. The second women smiles and says " Well I call my husband Big Dick, cause he's got the biggest dick in all of Alabama" again...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walked into a bar and asks the bartender for five shots of their most expensive liquor.

A man walked into a bar and asks the bartender "give me five shots of your most expensive liquor."

The bartender : "Yeah no problem buddy, here you go. What are you celebrating for?"

The man : "The first blowjob of my life"

The bartender : " Wow congratulations man! Here take ...

Why was Roy Moore waiting outside the liquor store when it opened?

He heard they had a 14 year old Brandy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible

. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up...

How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all of your liquor when you invite them over?

Invite 2 of them

I found fifty bucks inside a liquor store

They were just shopping for a stag party.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun walks into an off-licence (liquor store for you 'muricans)

"I'd like a large bottle of your best Irish whiskey, if you please," she says to the man behind the counter.

"Ah but sister," said the shopkeeper. "I can't be selling such evil liquids to you now, you being a woman of the cloth and all."

The nun looks sternly at the man and says "Don't...

A man and his date are out on Valenhtines Day

They stop by a liquor store , he picks out 2 bottles of vodka and goes to pay for them. The cashier looks at them and asks "would you like a bag?" the man looks at his date then back at the cashier and replies "I think the vodka will work, but thanks."

Difference between Catholic and Baptist

A Catholic will say Hi when they see you at the liquor store.

My boss came into the office and poured us all shots to celebrate the birth of his daughter. I asked why the liquor had little bits of gold floating around in it, and he explained it was Goldschläger

Weird flecks, but ok.

Which type of liquor does Santa Claus smell like?

It depends on which mall you're at.

Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store?

Because they would steal all the boos!

Three bestfriends are all dating men with the same name...

They got confused all the time about which boyfriend they were talking about, so one day they decided to make up some nicknames, one girl was drinking some pop and said "hey, let's name them after pop?", they reply with "sure"
First girl goes and says "I'm going to name mine Mountain Dew cause he...

What is the favorite liquor of every high school English teacher?

Tequila Mockingbird

Where does Piet Mondrian make his own liquor?

At his De Stijllery

A few Americans got sick after they couldn’t hold their liquor in Germany...

One said to the other “man, Oktoberfest really brat out the wurst in us!”

Thanks u/prisonmikeymay for the suggestion.

A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store...

...but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"

After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way ...

Why was the kleptomaniac clown visiting the liquor store?

He was lifting their spirits

After a long day at work, a weasel stopped at his local pub for a drink...

As he steps up to the bar, the bartender greeted him: “Well, how are you today, sir?”

“Tired”, says the weasel. “Oh, you need a whiskey, then.”

“No, thank you” replies the weasel. “Weasels don’t drink believe in drinking alcohol.”

“Well, you’re at a bar son. What do weasels drin...

Three ladies were enjoying wine spritzers, when one suggested they play a game!

She proposed each wife describe which Soda Pop best described their husband in bed?

The First Lady said “my husband is Dr.Pepper, because every night he’s peppy”!

They all giggled!

The second lady said “my husband is 7UP, cause he can get it up 7 days a week”!

The ladie...

If Tom Cruise owned a liquor distillery, what would he call it?

Whiskey Business

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and finds himself in Hell.

He is greeted by Satan.

Satan: Welcome to Hell! Hey, why do you look so glum?

Man: Why do you think I look so glum? I'm in HELL! Isn't it eternal torture?

Satan: Nah, you've got us all wrong. Hell is pretty okay. When you were alive, did you drink?

Man: Yeah, I drank way ...

I like my liquor like I like my men...

Hard and fruity

“Waiter, the steak is smelling very strongly of liquor!”

The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?”

Liquor probably won't fix your problems...

but it's worth a shot.

What do you call a handsome tramp who hangs around liquor joints chatting up girls?

A dirty bar stud.

Why did the skeleton get in a bar fight?

Because he couldn’t hold his liquor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor....

....so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed. He then dr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes when you drink liquor it really makes you question things. You know what I mean? Like why are we here?

Or...wait really where the fuck am I?

Why didn't anyone buy the Trump line of liquor?

It was fake booze.

Man walks into a bar and orders 5 shots of liquor

He spills the first and the last into the spill mat, then one-gulps the other ones. The bartender notices, but says nothing since the guy paid for all 5 anyway. Then he orders another round, keeps spilling the first and the last and so on and so forth.

"Buddy, why do you keep doing that?" th...

Merry Christmas everybody!

One day four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun walks in to a liquor store

(this is the best joke my drunk dad ever told me)

A nun walks in to a liquor store while dressed in her habit and grabs a bottle of Jack Daniels. When she gets to the counter, the clerk looked a little more than surprised. She told him, "don't worry, it's medicinal. It's for Mother Superior's...

Utah liquor laws are BS!

Never have I been to a place where it's acceptable to have more wives than drinks!

It's just miracle water

So this man was pulled over at the customs.

They had a look in his car and found a big plastic can in the backseat.

\- What have we here?, asked the officer.

\- That? The man replayed, that's miracle water from Canada.

The office loosened the lid and put his nose to t...

Liquor before beer and you’re clear but

Toothpaste before orange juice and you’re dead

Why did the Twizzler go binge drinking?

It was feeling liquor-ish

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My preferred method for making liquor involves using my rectum.

It's a little unconventional, butt still.

My Dad has a strange hobby, he likes to collect empty liquor bottles...

...well it sounds so much better than calling him an alcoholic.

A native lady needed a ride to the liquor store...

She had no money, but needed a ride, so she stuck out her thumb and hitchhiked. A car pulls over and asks where she's headed. She replies, "The liquor store." The driver hesitated... She adds "c'mon, I'll give ya a blowie." "Fine, hop in" the driver says. She gets started right away, and the driver ...

Why's it so hard to perform comedy in a liquor store?

Because you always only get booze

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.

In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?”

Nun : "Mother Superior told me."

Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"

Nun : "No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor."

Man : "Well, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if ...

Why does President Trump only drink liquor made by Fox News?

Everything else is fake booze.

Why did the former medium quit drinking liquor?

Because she didn’t like spirits

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had 12 bottles of whisky in my basement.

However, my wife did not approve of this ownership of liquor, so she asked me to dispose of it in the sink. And since I didn't dare oppose her, I commenced my precarious mission thus:

I pulled the cork out of the first bottle, and poured the contents down the drain, except for one glass which...

A friend of mine suggested I stop drinking beer and drink hard liquor to lose weight

figured it was worth a shot, so I bought two

3 men preachers go to heaven

3 preachers get in a wreck with their wives and go to heaven, and st. Peter meets them at the gates and says to the first one- "you can't get into heaven. You have lusted for money your whole life. You wouldn't even get married until you found a woman named penny." And then he says to the second man...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between Jews, Protestants, and Baptists?

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the head of the Church.

Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

Why are all liquor stores haunted?

Because they're full of spirits.

How do French women hold their liquor?

By the ears.

Works best if you are a native English speaker.

How many shots of liquor does it take to kill an Irishman

20, and if that does not put him in the ground, His wife surely will!

What do you call a super watered down liquor with all the oxygen removed?

Hydro-gin

Wholesome and hopefully original

One day, a saddened middle aged man was walking out of a liquor store with 2 bottles of whiskey in each hand, carried by the neck of the bottles.

A younger man noticed the other man's expression and walked up to him, and without a word, placed his own hands underneath the bottles of whiskey ...

What do you call an Irishman who can't hold his liquor? [OC]

A quadriplegic.

What do you call mixing coffee and hard liquor?

Getting ready for work.

Liquor store closed down and now a church moved into the building.

Seems like a different spirit around there!

A man calls his local liquor store

"When dO yoU open" the man asks in a drunken voice.
"We don't open until 9AM" the liquor store manager replies

A couple of hours later, the man calls the liquor store again.

"WhEn do YoU opEn?" he asks, now even more drunk, and almost shouting.

"As I told you earlier, we d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sees a priest buying hard liquor on a Sunday...

A man sees a priest buying hard liquor on a Sunday at a shop down the street from the church the priest pastors. Surprised, the man, who went to that church, asked why he was buying Jagermeister.

The priest said, "it's an old secret that Jagermeister helps constipation, which one of the nuns...

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign up behind the liquor display that says-

"Cheeseburger - $2
Chicken Sandwich - $3
Hand job - $10"

The man immediately looks around, and sees a smoking hot blonde bartender serving some drinks to a group of guys across the way. As she returns behind the bar the man leans over and quietly asks " Um excuse me, are you the one who...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a Nun Walks into a Liquor Store...

...and shyly asks for a bottle of their finest Vodka. The Store own replys, "I'm sorry mam, but your mother superior has already informed me that you are not to buy any alcohol from me."

'But sir!" she replied, "It is for the mother superior. She's....constipated..." and she hands the store o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You Hear About What Happened At the Local Liquor Store?

**ME**: Police were investigating the liquor store down town for serving to minors. So they conducted an undercover operation where they sent in a 18 year old girl with a fake ID to buy some booze. The police waited outside while she went in. When the girl got in and showed her ID the manager came o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy walks into a bar...

After a week's worth of riding a lone cowboy walks into a bar which was known to pick on new people. He has a few drinks, chats with the locals and a few hours pass.

When he walks outside he notices his horse is no where to be seen, surely the locals have moved it. So he walks into the bar an...

I go through my liquor like I go through women.

Sober now for 28 years!

Gin is the Ionian mode of liquors...

it will always resolve with tonic.

A Russian, an American, and a Mexican walk into a liquor store

The Russian buys a bottle of vodka, throws it into the air, shoots it, and says "We have plenty of those where I come from."
The Mexican buys a bottle of tequila, throws it into the air, shoots it, and says "We have plenty of those where I come from."
The American buys a six-pack of beer, ...

Hell: A place where all of the wine and liquor bottles have holes on the bottom...

...and the women don't.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun walks into a liquor store . . .

and asks for a bottle of whisky.

The owner is shocked. "I'm sorry, Sister, but I'm a good church-going man. I simply can't sell liquor to a nun."

The nun blushes a little, looks around nervously, then leans forward to whisper: "It's for Mother Superior's constipation."

"Oh, wel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man see's a sign on a bar window "Win $1,000,000 - Details inside"

Curiosity peaked, he enters the bar and asks the bartender what's required to win the million.



"Ah, that?" The bartender casually replied, offering a challenging smirk. "It requires the completion of 3 tasks I believe to be impossible. It brought in a lot of business when I first put ...

A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight. After the plane takes off, the cowboy asks for a whiskey and soda, which is promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asks the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replies, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of
by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then hands his drink back to the attendant and says, "Me too, I
d...

Three Southern Ladies Are Chatting In A Hair Salon

First lady says "I call my man Sugar"

The others a ask "Why?"

"Because he' so sweet"

Second lady says "I call my man Tree"

The others a ask "Why?"

"Because he' so big and firm"

The third lady says "I call my man Courvoisier"

The others a ask "Courvois...

A sales assistant advised me on the liquor to buy for the holiday season recently

She was my spirit guide.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.