I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me "Do you need help?"

I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"

I found 100 bucks outside a liquor store

At first I thought I should just leave it hoping the owner would find it. Then I thought "What would Jesus do?". So I went into the store and turned it into wine.

I found fifty bucks inside a liquor store

They were just shopping for a stag party.

Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store

... and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home.

And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen tim...

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Two nuns go into a liquor store

And ask for a fifth of Jack Daniels.

The clerk looks stun and says, "It is unusual to see nuns buying liquor."

The nuns say, "It is for Mother Superiors constipation." The clerk seems OK with it so he sells them the fifth of liquor. Several hours later he closes the store and after w...

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A man walked into a bar and asks the bartender for five shots of their most expensive liquor.

A man walked into a bar and asks the bartender "give me five shots of your most expensive liquor."

The bartender : "Yeah no problem buddy, here you go. What are you celebrating for?"

The man : "The first blowjob of my life"

The bartender : " Wow congratulations man! Here take ...

How does a French woman hold her liquor?

By the ears.

Ran out of vodka and decided to ride my bike into the liquor store

Man that hurt.

I went to a liquor store yesterday on my bicycle.

I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels. I tied it to my bicycle carrier.

I was about to leave. Then I realised that if I fell off the bike on the way home, the bottle would break.

So I drank all the JD before I rode back.

Finally it turned out to be a very good decision, because I f...

Which type of liquor does Santa Claus smell like?

It depends on which mall you're at.

I fermented a bible and tried to make liquor, but to my frustration , it's non-alcoholic

Turns out it has 0 proof

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

My boss came into the office and poured us all shots to celebrate the birth of his daughter. I asked why the liquor had little bits of gold floating around in it, and he explained it was Goldschläger

Weird flecks, but ok.

Where does Piet Mondrian make his own liquor?

At his De Stijllery

Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store?

Because they would steal all the boos!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Where did the oral sex addict go as soon as he got out of rehab?

The liquor store.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nun walks into an off-licence (liquor store for you 'muricans)

"I'd like a large bottle of your best Irish whiskey, if you please," she says to the man behind the counter.

"Ah but sister," said the shopkeeper. "I can't be selling such evil liquids to you now, you being a woman of the cloth and all."

The nun looks sternly at the man and says "Don't...

Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.

Priest - Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Is it? What about the guy who sells the liquor?
Priest - He will also go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Ok, what about the guy who sells pork tacos in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?
Priest - He too will go to Hell....

Why was the liquor store clerk arrested?

He was in cider trading

Why was Roy Moore waiting outside the liquor store when it opened?

He heard they had a 14 year old Brandy

A few Americans got sick after they couldn’t hold their liquor in Germany...

One said to the other “man, Oktoberfest really brat out the wurst in us!”

Thanks u/prisonmikeymay for the suggestion.

Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor....

....so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed. He then dr...

If Tom Cruise owned a liquor distillery, what would he call it?

Whiskey Business

What do you call a handsome tramp who hangs around liquor joints chatting up girls?

A dirty bar stud.

I like my liquor like I like my men...

Hard and fruity

What is the favorite liquor of every high school English teacher?

Tequila Mockingbird

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible

. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up...

Utah liquor laws are BS!

Never have I been to a place where it's acceptable to have more wives than drinks!

Liquor before beer and you’re clear but

Toothpaste before orange juice and you’re dead

Why was the kleptomaniac clown visiting the liquor store?

He was lifting their spirits

“Waiter, the steak is smelling very strongly of liquor!”

The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?”

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Sometimes when you drink liquor it really makes you question things. You know what I mean? Like why are we here?

Or...wait really where the fuck am I?

Why didn't anyone buy the Trump line of liquor?

It was fake booze.

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces

For example, I am going to the liquor store and I'm afraid that it's closed

A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store...

...but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"

After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way ...

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A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than...

Liquor probably won't fix your problems...

but it's worth a shot.

Why's it so hard to perform comedy in a liquor store?

Because you always only get booze

Why did the former medium quit drinking liquor?

Because she didn’t like spirits

My Dad has a strange hobby, he likes to collect empty liquor bottles...

...well it sounds so much better than calling him an alcoholic.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My preferred method for making liquor involves using my rectum.

It's a little unconventional, butt still.

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A nun walks in to a liquor store

(this is the best joke my drunk dad ever told me)

A nun walks in to a liquor store while dressed in her habit and grabs a bottle of Jack Daniels. When she gets to the counter, the clerk looked a little more than surprised. She told him, "don't worry, it's medicinal. It's for Mother Superior's...

I like my women how I like my liquor,

11 years old.

(its just a joke bro pls don't report me to Interpol)

A friend of mine suggested I stop drinking beer and drink hard liquor to lose weight

figured it was worth a shot, so I bought two

Why does President Trump only drink liquor made by Fox News?

Everything else is fake booze.

My friend completely destroyed my liquor cabinet yesterday.

edit: RIP my ginbox

What do you call a super watered down liquor with all the oxygen removed?

Hydro-gin

A native lady needed a ride to the liquor store...

She had no money, but needed a ride, so she stuck out her thumb and hitchhiked. A car pulls over and asks where she's headed. She replies, "The liquor store." The driver hesitated... She adds "c'mon, I'll give ya a blowie." "Fine, hop in" the driver says. She gets started right away, and the driver ...

How do French women hold their liquor?

By the ears.

Works best if you are a native English speaker.

Why are all liquor stores haunted?

Because they're full of spirits.

What do you call mixing coffee and hard liquor?

Getting ready for work.

Liquor store closed down and now a church moved into the building.

Seems like a different spirit around there!

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign up behind the liquor display that says-

"Cheeseburger - $2
Chicken Sandwich - $3
Hand job - $10"

The man immediately looks around, and sees a smoking hot blonde bartender serving some drinks to a group of guys across the way. As she returns behind the bar the man leans over and quietly asks " Um excuse me, are you the one who...

An alcoholic walks into a candy store...

The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says "Can I help you with anything?"

The alcoholic replies "Yeah, got any liquor?"

"Well, I'm not sure but there is this"

"What is that?"

"It's liquor-ish"

A man calls his local liquor store

"When dO yoU open" the man asks in a drunken voice.
"We don't open until 9AM" the liquor store manager replies

A couple of hours later, the man calls the liquor store again.

"WhEn do YoU opEn?" he asks, now even more drunk, and almost shouting.

"As I told you earlier, we d...

Gin is the Ionian mode of liquors...

it will always resolve with tonic.

The owner of a new liquor store noticed that his PoS system was always calculating the tax on hard liquor purchases to be $4.09

He placed a support call to the company that sold him the system and they sent an engineer to investigate. The engineer sat at the terminal for half hour and came back to the owner and reported that he had fixed it. He said, "It was a sin tax error."

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.

In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?”

Nun : "Mother Superior told me."

Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"

Nun : "No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor."

Man : "Well, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if ...

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A man sees a priest buying hard liquor on a Sunday...

A man sees a priest buying hard liquor on a Sunday at a shop down the street from the church the priest pastors. Surprised, the man, who went to that church, asked why he was buying Jagermeister.

The priest said, "it's an old secret that Jagermeister helps constipation, which one of the nuns...

What do you call an Irishman who can't hold his liquor? [OC]

A quadriplegic.

A Russian, an American, and a Mexican walk into a liquor store

The Russian buys a bottle of vodka, throws it into the air, shoots it, and says "We have plenty of those where I come from."
The Mexican buys a bottle of tequila, throws it into the air, shoots it, and says "We have plenty of those where I come from."
The American buys a six-pack of beer, ...

How much liquor does it take before you start telling racist jokes?

For me, it's about three fifths.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a Nun Walks into a Liquor Store...

...and shyly asks for a bottle of their finest Vodka. The Store own replys, "I'm sorry mam, but your mother superior has already informed me that you are not to buy any alcohol from me."

'But sir!" she replied, "It is for the mother superior. She's....constipated..." and she hands the store o...

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A nun walks into a liquor store . . .

and asks for a bottle of whisky.

The owner is shocked. "I'm sorry, Sister, but I'm a good church-going man. I simply can't sell liquor to a nun."

The nun blushes a little, looks around nervously, then leans forward to whisper: "It's for Mother Superior's constipation."

"Oh, wel...

Hell: A place where all of the wine and liquor bottles have holes on the bottom...

...and the women don't.

How is a bar similar to a woman?

Liquor in the front and poker in the back.

Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Leroy...

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, "Okay...

A sales assistant advised me on the liquor to buy for the holiday season recently

She was my spirit guide.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.

He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think y...

I was drinking my favorite liquor the other night...

...while sitting in front of my fireplace. I was feeling a pretty good buzz when all of a sudden I began to hallucinate, and out from the top of the fireplace sprung the disembodied head of Jane Fonda! Normally I would find this odd, but you know what they say:

Absinthe makes the hearth grow ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 old ladies go to a baseball game with a bottle of liquor. They finish the bottle...what inning is it and what are the circumstances on the field?

Bottom of the fifth and all the bags are loaded.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

True story, and a disturbing one. Just want to make people aware of this.

Went to this liquor store after the gym today and the guy behind the counter asked if I wanted a free case of Guinness beer.

I said hell ya.

He said let me touch your dick for a little bit.

Fucking perverts are everywhere. You guys believe that shit.

Worst part was, t...

My sister came in my room and said this

Ok, so say ketchup and liquor after each sentence ok?


What did you eat for breakfast?

ketchup and liquor


What did you eat for dinner?

ketchup and liquor


What do you do when a girl runs

...
Nice