I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

Thinking of starting a liquor brand and getting free advertising from the other major labels

I'm going to call it "responsibly"

I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me "Do you need help?"

I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"

How does a French woman hold her liquor?

By the ears of course!

I found 100 bucks outside a liquor store

At first I thought I should just leave it hoping the owner would find it. Then I thought "What would Jesus do?". So I went into the store and turned it into wine.

What is the best liquor for watching Formula 1?

Rrrrruuummmmm

Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store

... and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home.

And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen tim...

How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all of your liquor when you invite them over?

Invite 2 of them

Three Southern Ladies Are Chatting In A Hair Salon

First lady says "I call my man Sugar"

The others a ask "Why?"

"Because he' so sweet"

Second lady says "I call my man Tree"

The others a ask "Why?"

"Because he' so big and firm"

The third lady says "I call my man Courvoisier"

The others a ask "Courvois...

I found fifty bucks inside a liquor store

They were just shopping for a stag party.

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Two nuns go into a liquor store

And ask for a fifth of Jack Daniels.

The clerk looks stun and says, "It is unusual to see nuns buying liquor."

The nuns say, "It is for Mother Superiors constipation." The clerk seems OK with it so he sells them the fifth of liquor. Several hours later he closes the store and after w...

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A man walked into a bar and asks the bartender for five shots of their most expensive liquor.

A man walked into a bar and asks the bartender "give me five shots of your most expensive liquor."

The bartender : "Yeah no problem buddy, here you go. What are you celebrating for?"

The man : "The first blowjob of my life"

The bartender : " Wow congratulations man! Here take ...

Did you hear about the failed robbery on the liquor store?

They are still looking for the guy, apparently he got away scotch-free.

Why did the owner of the liquor store love thieves?

They always lifted his spirits

Ran out of vodka and decided to ride my bike into the liquor store

Man that hurt.

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A nun walks into an off-licence (liquor store for you 'muricans)

"I'd like a large bottle of your best Irish whiskey, if you please," she says to the man behind the counter.

"Ah but sister," said the shopkeeper. "I can't be selling such evil liquids to you now, you being a woman of the cloth and all."

The nun looks sternly at the man and says "Don't...

Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.

Priest - Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Is it? What about the guy who sells the liquor?
Priest - He will also go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Ok, what about the guy who sells pork tacos in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?
Priest - He too will go to Hell....

I fermented a bible and tried to make liquor, but to my frustration , it's non-alcoholic

Turns out it has 0 proof

Which type of liquor does Santa Claus smell like?

It depends on which mall you're at.

My boss came into the office and poured us all shots to celebrate the birth of his daughter. I asked why the liquor had little bits of gold floating around in it, and he explained it was Goldschläger

Weird flecks, but ok.

Why was Roy Moore waiting outside the liquor store when it opened?

He heard they had a 14 year old Brandy

Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store?

Because they would steal all the boos!

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Where did the oral sex addict go as soon as he got out of rehab?

The liquor store.

What is the favorite liquor of every high school English teacher?

Tequila Mockingbird

A few Americans got sick after they couldn’t hold their liquor in Germany...

One said to the other “man, Oktoberfest really brat out the wurst in us!”

Thanks u/prisonmikeymay for the suggestion.

If Tom Cruise owned a liquor distillery, what would he call it?

Whiskey Business

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible

. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up...

I like my liquor like I like my men...

Hard and fruity

Why was the kleptomaniac clown visiting the liquor store?

He was lifting their spirits

Why didn't anyone buy the Trump line of liquor?

It was fake booze.

A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store...

...but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"

After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way ...

“Waiter, the steak is smelling very strongly of liquor!”

The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?”

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces

For example, I am going to the liquor store and I'm afraid that it's closed

What do you call a handsome tramp who hangs around liquor joints chatting up girls?

A dirty bar stud.

Utah liquor laws are BS!

Never have I been to a place where it's acceptable to have more wives than drinks!

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Sometimes when you drink liquor it really makes you question things. You know what I mean? Like why are we here?

Or...wait really where the fuck am I?

Liquor probably won't fix your problems...

but it's worth a shot.

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A nun walks in to a liquor store

(this is the best joke my drunk dad ever told me)

A nun walks in to a liquor store while dressed in her habit and grabs a bottle of Jack Daniels. When she gets to the counter, the clerk looked a little more than surprised. She told him, "don't worry, it's medicinal. It's for Mother Superior's...

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My preferred method for making liquor involves using my rectum.

It's a little unconventional, butt still.

My Dad has a strange hobby, he likes to collect empty liquor bottles...

...well it sounds so much better than calling him an alcoholic.

Why's it so hard to perform comedy in a liquor store?

Because you always only get booze

A native lady needed a ride to the liquor store...

She had no money, but needed a ride, so she stuck out her thumb and hitchhiked. A car pulls over and asks where she's headed. She replies, "The liquor store." The driver hesitated... She adds "c'mon, I'll give ya a blowie." "Fine, hop in" the driver says. She gets started right away, and the driver ...

Why did the former medium quit drinking liquor?

Because she didn’t like spirits

Why does President Trump only drink liquor made by Fox News?

Everything else is fake booze.

A friend of mine suggested I stop drinking beer and drink hard liquor to lose weight

figured it was worth a shot, so I bought two

Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor,

so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water.

The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed...

What do you call a super watered down liquor with all the oxygen removed?

Hydro-gin

My friend completely destroyed my liquor cabinet yesterday.

edit: RIP my ginbox

Liquor?

I hardly know her!

A man calls his local liquor store

"When dO yoU open" the man asks in a drunken voice.
"We don't open until 9AM" the liquor store manager replies

A couple of hours later, the man calls the liquor store again.

"WhEn do YoU opEn?" he asks, now even more drunk, and almost shouting.

"As I told you earlier, we d...

Why are all liquor stores haunted?

Because they're full of spirits.

Liquor store closed down and now a church moved into the building.

Seems like a different spirit around there!

An alcoholic walks into a candy store...

The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says "Can I help you with anything?"

The alcoholic replies "Yeah, got any liquor?"

"Well, I'm not sure but there is this"

"What is that?"

"It's liquor-ish"

What do you call mixing coffee and hard liquor?

Getting ready for work.

When I was younger, I consumed a lot of Liquor

Well, not really. It was liquorice though.

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign up behind the liquor display that says-

"Cheeseburger - $2
Chicken Sandwich - $3
Hand job - $10"

The man immediately looks around, and sees a smoking hot blonde bartender serving some drinks to a group of guys across the way. As she returns behind the bar the man leans over and quietly asks " Um excuse me, are you the one who...

How do French women hold their liquor?

By the ears.

Works best if you are a native English speaker.

I go through my liquor like I go through women.

Sober now for 28 years!

What do you call an Irishman who can't hold his liquor? [OC]

A quadriplegic.

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A man sees a priest buying hard liquor on a Sunday...

A man sees a priest buying hard liquor on a Sunday at a shop down the street from the church the priest pastors. Surprised, the man, who went to that church, asked why he was buying Jagermeister.

The priest said, "it's an old secret that Jagermeister helps constipation, which one of the nuns...

Gin is the Ionian mode of liquors...

it will always resolve with tonic.

The owner of a new liquor store noticed that his PoS system was always calculating the tax on hard liquor purchases to be $4.09

He placed a support call to the company that sold him the system and they sent an engineer to investigate. The engineer sat at the terminal for half hour and came back to the owner and reported that he had fixed it. He said, "It was a sin tax error."

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So a Nun Walks into a Liquor Store...

...and shyly asks for a bottle of their finest Vodka. The Store own replys, "I'm sorry mam, but your mother superior has already informed me that you are not to buy any alcohol from me."

'But sir!" she replied, "It is for the mother superior. She's....constipated..." and she hands the store o...

A Russian, an American, and a Mexican walk into a liquor store

The Russian buys a bottle of vodka, throws it into the air, shoots it, and says "We have plenty of those where I come from."
The Mexican buys a bottle of tequila, throws it into the air, shoots it, and says "We have plenty of those where I come from."
The American buys a six-pack of beer, ...

A sales assistant advised me on the liquor to buy for the holiday season recently

She was my spirit guide.

Did you hear about the malfunctioning register at the liquor store?

Everything's coming up rosé's

Hell: A place where all of the wine and liquor bottles have holes on the bottom...

...and the women don't.

Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Leroy...

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, "Okay...

How is a bar similar to a woman?

Liquor in the front and poker in the back.

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A nun walks into a liquor store . . .

and asks for a bottle of whisky.

The owner is shocked. "I'm sorry, Sister, but I'm a good church-going man. I simply can't sell liquor to a nun."

The nun blushes a little, looks around nervously, then leans forward to whisper: "It's for Mother Superior's constipation."

"Oh, wel...

A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than...

I was drinking my favorite liquor the other night...

...while sitting in front of my fireplace. I was feeling a pretty good buzz when all of a sudden I began to hallucinate, and out from the top of the fireplace sprung the disembodied head of Jane Fonda! Normally I would find this odd, but you know what they say:

Absinthe makes the hearth grow ...

I hate going to liquor stores.

Everyone wines about everything.

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I had 12 bottles of whisky in my basement.

However, my wife did not approve of this ownership of liquor, so she asked me to dispose of it in the sink. And since I didn't dare oppose her, I commenced my precarious mission thus:

I pulled the cork out of the first bottle, and poured the contents down the drain, except for one glass which...

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3 old ladies go to a baseball game with a bottle of liquor. They finish the bottle...what inning is it and what are the circumstances on the field?

Bottom of the fifth and all the bags are loaded.

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