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Two nuns go into a liquor store

They want to buy a gallon of MD2020, the clerk says I can’t sell alcohol to nuns. The nuns say it’s for mother superiors constipation, so he sells it to them. A half an hour later the clerk goes to take out the trash and he finds the two nuns stinking drunk. He says Sisters I’m shocked, you said it ...

Two men are robbing a liquor store…

One says, ‘Is this whisky?’

‘Yes’, the other replies, ‘but not as whisky as wobbing a bank’

I once went to the liquor store at the corner riding my bike

I meant to buy a bottle of whisky

On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky

So I decided to drink it all at once right there

It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.

A woman smelling strongly of hard liquor wakes up in a police station, dazed and confused.

She asks the first police officer she sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking," replies the officer.

=====

"That's great," says the woman, "when do we start?"

i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occurred to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

What spice should you always keep at the liquor store to make older women feel younger?

Cardamom

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

I went to the liquor store today

and I bought a bunch of bottles of wine. I’m getting ready to pay, and the cashier asked “you wanna box for those?”

I looked at him and said “nah, I hate violence. Is it cool if I just pay with my card?”

A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store

He bought some whiskey, and tequila

When he got home, he set them on the table

His son immediately picked up both bottles

The dad asks "What are you doing?!"

The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"

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Bruh— FUCK ratatouille. I put a rat in my hat and he made me rob a liquor store.

The cops do NOT believe me.

I walked into the liquor store and a guy working there asked me, “Do you need help?”

I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”

a man walks into a liquor store

the store assistant says: "do you need help?"

the man replies: "yes. but I've decided to come here instead"

A math student invented a new method of making liquor, using electromagnetics to distill alcohol.

Proof by induction.

How does a French girl hold her liquor?

By the ears.

What do alcoholic insects drink?

Molt liquor

I know a bit early but .....,

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
per-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more...

Pulled Over

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."...

I got stopped at the border and the guard asked me if I had any liquor, illegal guns or illegal drugs.

I took him aside and asked him "Whaddya need?"

Thinking of starting a liquor brand and getting free advertising from the other major labels

I'm going to call it "responsibly"

Liquor

A buyer enters a liquor store.
- Half of "Sungurlarska"!
The seller pours half a liter of brandy from a can, takes out the label "Sungurlarska", sticks it on the bottle and hands it to the customer.
- Half of "Pomorie"!
The seller pours again from the can, takes out the label "Pomori...

Classic

400 passengers and only 200 meals were loaded on a long haul transatlantic flight to New York.

The airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix! However, one smart flight attendant had an idea!

About 30 minutes into the flight she nervously announced : "Ladies and Gentlemen, I don't...

The staff of this liquor store called the cops on me for stealing Whisky and Vodka.

I don't understand. I was only lifting their spirits.

A mom goes to the liquor store

I went to the liquor store to buy some specialty Spirits... it’s this distilled brandy that is spiced with cardamom....

Can you believe they carded me?

The clerk said he was required to always cardamom, no matter how old they look.

A guy walks into a liquor store and ask for a case of Heineken.

The gal behind the counter replies, "Sorry. We're out of Heineken."

The guy shrugs his shoulders and says, "Fine. Make it Rolling Rock."

The woman replies, "Sorry, but the only cold beer we have in stock is Budweiser."

The man says, "Nope. No way. Last time I drank a case of Bud...

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I recently picked a new primary care doctor

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned forty in July) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"<...

You would think that given their discerning tastes and knowledge about what is best that a mansplainer would only drink top shelf liquor.

But they drink well actually.

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So a nun walks into a liquor store and asks for a bottle...

...finest Irish Whiskey. The clerk says I thought nuns weren't allowed to drink. The nun replies its for father Thomas's constipation. Clerk sells her the whiskey. Couple hours later the clerk sees the nun staggering up the road three sheets to the wind. He accosts her and asks I thought you said it...

A guy walks into a liquor store without a mask on...

He says, "I'd like a six pack of bud light and a case of corona"

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A nun walks into a liquor store...

the owner looks up and says "Well, hello Sister Mary, how can I help you?"
The nun says "I need a fifth of liquor"
The owner reacts with surprise and asks "Why do you want liquor?"
Sister Mary replies "Oh, it's for medicinal purposes"
"Well, in that case" says the owner, and sell her wha...

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A Catholic priest walks into a bar

He orders a sex on the beach... bartender replies "great choice, all my liquors for that are well aged over 20yrs." The priest says "no thanks" and leaves.

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A dwarf walks into a liquor store and orders, "I'd like just enough vodka for one."

"Half-pint?"

"Fuck you. Just get the vodka."

Our preacher is the most tolerant, forgiving person I know...

When I run into him at the liquor store, he pretends he doesn't see me.

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible

. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up...

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Drunken adventure

George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.

George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."

George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all n...

The Bar & Brothel in town has quite a slogan..

Liquor up front, Poker in the rear

Did you know liquor stores are the most haunted places in the country?

they're all full of spirits.

I found 100 bucks outside a liquor store

At first I thought I should just leave it hoping the owner would find it. Then I thought "What would Jesus do?". So I went into the store and turned it into wine.

Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.

Priest - Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Is it? What about the guy who sells the liquor?
Priest - He will also go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Ok, what about the guy who sells pork tacos in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?
Priest - He too will go to Hell....

You're all lifting the whole liquor counter up

'cause you're raising the bar.

Rock on, y'all are amazing :)

Apparently Liquor Stores are, “Essential Business,” in New York City

After all, it’s the only way Mayor DeBlasio could manage to make the worst possible decisions in every situation he has ever been in.

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Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said "Oh Jack, cud ye be after givin' me a pint o' brandy?”

“Sister Mary Katherine!" exclaimed Jack "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in me life!" "Oh Jack, me lad" she responded "tis only for the Mother Superior.” Her voice dropped. "It will be helpin' her with the constipation, you know.”

So Jack sold her the brandy. Later tha...

I work part time at a liquor store, and as a super-villain

They call me, *the menace to sobriety*

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A nude man walks in to a bar. He ordered a shot of the whiskey. The bartender refused to serve his liquor. The nude man was surprised and asked him, is it because I am nude? The bartender replied,

You don't have money on you.

Two Mosquitoes go to a Liquor Store.

One buys O- Blood, and one buys AB- Blood.

Mosquito 1: “You must have really good taste.”

Mosquito 2: “And you’re just whippin’ by for a drink?”

Mosquito 1: “Nah, this kind’s just really easy to get ‘round here.”

I got carded at the liquor store yesterday.

While I was looking for my ID in my wallet my Blockbuster card fell out onto the counter. The guy started laughing and said, "Never mind."

An anti-vaxxer is sitting at a bar.

He is a couple beers deep when the bartender shouts “Free shots for the bar! On that man over there!” And he points to a man the anti-vaxxer can’t see.

The bartender then proceeds to walk down the bar pouring shots for each patron. When he gets to the anti-vaxxer, the man stops him from pouri...

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Fred and Ray go to the liquor store to buy a cheap bottle of booze

Once n the store, they discover that they only have $1.50 between the two of them.

Ray says, 'I've got an idea', and goes next door to the butcher shop and comes back with a polish sausage. 'here Fred, stick this in your pants, I know how we can drink all night for free'.

"What the hel...

Why was Roy Moore waiting outside the liquor store when it opened?

He heard they had a 14 year old Brandy

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender to line him up 10 shots of his strongest liquor on the counter.

The man proceeds to down all 10 shots in a matter of minutes. The bartender asks him “what’s the special occasion” and the guy responds “I just got my first blowjob”. The bartender responds “congrats, here have a shot on the house”. The guy says “no thanks, if 10 shots won’t get the taste out of my ...

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A nun goes into a liquor store....

And asks for a fifth of brandy. The proprietor is nervous about selling alcohol to a nun. The Sister says, conspiratorially, "It's for Mother Superior's constipation..." Understanding, he nods and sells her the brandy.
That night, after closing the store he goes outside and sees the same nun tota...

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A nun walks into a liquor store...

(Note: for greatest comedic effect, all dialogue must be read in a bad Irish accent.)

A nun walks into a liquor store, selects a bottle of whiskey, and brings it to the counter. The store owner is shocked she would do such a thing. "Oh, Sister Mary," he says, "what are you doing?"

"It'...

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There are three religious truths

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

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Two nuns go into a liquor store

And ask for a fifth of Jack Daniels.

The clerk looks stun and says, "It is unusual to see nuns buying liquor."

The nuns say, "It is for Mother Superiors constipation." The clerk seems OK with it so he sells them the fifth of liquor. Several hours later he closes the store and after w...

A guy walks up to the liquor store counter and tries to buy a bottle of whiskey with a fake $20 bill.

The elderly woman clerk quickly realized it was fake and became enraged!! She started screaming!! She grabbed his hair and slammed his head on the counter over and over and until he was out cold.

She was so upset that she had a counter fit.

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The incredible trainer

It was a busy day at the bar. A lot of costumers were enjoying their breakfast. Until the door slammed open.
A shady trench coat with an almost as shady wearer appeared in the doorframe, a big bulge in both pockets. He approached the counter, as silent as the entire bar, exchanging glares with ...

What do you call an illegal liquor shop run by rats?

A Squeekeasy

Why did Santa go to the liquor store?

He was looking for the holiday spirits.

[LONG] A Man walks into a bar.

A short man, with thick glasses, a calculator in is breast pocket, a huge notebook tucked under his arm, and a pencil behind his ears, walks into a bar.

At this bar they have a contest. On the bar counter is a large jar filled with 100s of dollars, and next to it is a basket of lemons.
...

Liquor probably won't fix your problems...

but it's worth a shot.

Ran out of vodka and decided to ride my bike into the liquor store

Man that hurt.

Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store?

Cause they would steal all the boos

What is the best liquor for watching Formula 1?

Rrrrruuummmmm

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A man walked into a bar and asks the bartender for five shots of their most expensive liquor.

A man walked into a bar and asks the bartender "give me five shots of your most expensive liquor."

The bartender : "Yeah no problem buddy, here you go. What are you celebrating for?"

The man : "The first blowjob of my life"

The bartender : " Wow congratulations man! Here take ...

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It was the 4th grade teacher’s birthday and all the kids brought in presents.

The teacher was a little worried about Billy’s present though because his father owned a vodka distillery. And ask Billy ever talked about was his father’s business; how vodka was made, what made vodka the best liquor etc. So she has a bad feeling she knew what Billy’s gift would be.

Finally...

Which type of liquor does Santa Claus smell like?

It depends on which mall you're at.

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A nun walks into an off-licence (liquor store for you 'muricans)

"I'd like a large bottle of your best Irish whiskey, if you please," she says to the man behind the counter.

"Ah but sister," said the shopkeeper. "I can't be selling such evil liquids to you now, you being a woman of the cloth and all."

The nun looks sternly at the man and says "Don't...

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Dusty Hill Blinked his eye open.

His head felt fuzzy. His eyes sticky. Dusty Hill Blinked his eyes open. "Wake up Dusty" said a familiar voice. His eyes focused, his brain whirled. It couldn't be who it seemed to be. Jimi mother fucking hendrix?

.

"Wake up Dusty. It's showtime!" Said the coolest voice ev...

A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store...

...but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"

After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way ...

Why did the owner of the liquor store love thieves?

They always lifted his spirits

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A nun walks in to a liquor store

(this is the best joke my drunk dad ever told me)

A nun walks in to a liquor store while dressed in her habit and grabs a bottle of Jack Daniels. When she gets to the counter, the clerk looked a little more than surprised. She told him, "don't worry, it's medicinal. It's for Mother Superior's...

Did you hear about the failed robbery on the liquor store?

They are still looking for the guy, apparently he got away scotch-free.

My boss came into the office and poured us all shots to celebrate the birth of his daughter. I asked why the liquor had little bits of gold floating around in it, and he explained it was Goldschläger

Weird flecks, but ok.

There are three girls,

and their boyfriends all have the same name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decide to give their boyfriends nicknames. They ask the first girl what she calls her boyfriend. She says, “I call my man 7-Up.”
They ask her, “Why do you call your man that?”
And she says, “Becau...

“Waiter, the steak is smelling very strongly of liquor!”

The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?”

What is the favorite liquor of every high school English teacher?

Tequila Mockingbird

I found fifty bucks inside a liquor store

They were just shopping for a stag party.

I saw a very drunk Kimi Raikkonen trying to order liquor from a bar tender...

"No no, Kimi. You will not have the drink."

A smart drunk

“I was in the mood for a drink so I biked to the local liquor store to buy a bottle of whiskey. At first I was planning to bike home with the bottle in my bike basket but I’m not an idiot and knew it would break if I crashed so I drank it in the parking lot. Thank god I did because I crashed 12 time...

If Tom Cruise owned a liquor distillery, what would he call it?

Whiskey Business

I like my liquor like I like my men...

Hard and fruity

How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all of your liquor when you invite them over?

Invite 2 of them

Im going to open up a place with a bar in the front and gambling in the back.

Its going to be called "Liquor in the front, poker in the back"

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My preferred method for making liquor involves using my rectum.

It's a little unconventional, butt still.

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Sometimes when you drink liquor it really makes you question things. You know what I mean? Like why are we here?

Or...wait really where the fuck am I?

A circus ringleader and his wife were living with their main act, an alcoholic chimpanzee

The chimpanzee would always do the same thing every day: find the liquor cabinet, drink a few bottles, screech and destroy things for a few hours, and then pass out in a random spot for the rest of the day.

The wife could not stand the chimp, but the ringmaster did not have enough money to f...

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A man sees a priest buying hard liquor on a Sunday...

A man sees a priest buying hard liquor on a Sunday at a shop down the street from the church the priest pastors. Surprised, the man, who went to that church, asked why he was buying Jagermeister.

The priest said, "it's an old secret that Jagermeister helps constipation, which one of the nuns...

What do you call an Irishman who can't hold his liquor? [OC]

A quadriplegic.

What do you call a handsome tramp who hangs around liquor joints chatting up girls?

A dirty bar stud.

Where does Piet Mondrian make his own liquor?

At his De Stijllery

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So a Nun Walks into a Liquor Store...

...and shyly asks for a bottle of their finest Vodka. The Store own replys, "I'm sorry mam, but your mother superior has already informed me that you are not to buy any alcohol from me."

'But sir!" she replied, "It is for the mother superior. She's....constipated..." and she hands the store o...

My Dad has a strange hobby, he likes to collect empty liquor bottles...

...well it sounds so much better than calling him an alcoholic.

A native lady needed a ride to the liquor store...

She had no money, but needed a ride, so she stuck out her thumb and hitchhiked. A car pulls over and asks where she's headed. She replies, "The liquor store." The driver hesitated... She adds "c'mon, I'll give ya a blowie." "Fine, hop in" the driver says. She gets started right away, and the driver ...

Why does President Trump only drink liquor made by Fox News?

Everything else is fake booze.

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Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor....

....so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed. He then dr...

Why's it so hard to perform comedy in a liquor store?

Because you always only get booze

A few Americans got sick after they couldn’t hold their liquor in Germany...

One said to the other “man, Oktoberfest really brat out the wurst in us!”

Thanks u/prisonmikeymay for the suggestion.

Utah liquor laws are BS!

Never have I been to a place where it's acceptable to have more wives than drinks!

Man walks into a bar and orders 5 shots of liquor

He spills the first and the last into the spill mat, then one-gulps the other ones. The bartender notices, but says nothing since the guy paid for all 5 anyway. Then he orders another round, keeps spilling the first and the last and so on and so forth.

"Buddy, why do you keep doing that?" th...

Liquor before beer and you’re clear but

Toothpaste before orange juice and you’re dead

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