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Tequila Jokes

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A guy walks into a bar and says. "Give me 10 shots of tequila, line 'em up!"

The bartender does and the guy proceeds to slam the 10 shots down at machine gun pace. The bartender says, "Damn man, what's all this for?"

The guys says, "My first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well shit dude, that's something to celebrate, have another on the house!" The guy says, "No than...

I'm on the tequila diet

So far I've lost 2 days.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of Tequila.

"What are you celebrating?"

"My first blowjob."

"Congratulations! In that case, number 7 is on the house."

"Buddy, if 6 doesn't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will.

Tequila may not fix your life.

But, It's worth a shot.

A British man, a French man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests...

The Best Way to Drink Tequila

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really li...

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila

"You're coming home now!" she screamed.

"No, I'm not," I laughed.

She said, "I'm talking to the kids."

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A man goes into a bar and orders three shots of tequila...

"What's the special occasion?" the bartender asks him.

"I'm celebrating my first blowjob,"he replies.

"Well congratulations,"the bartender says."The next ones on the house."

"Nahh thanks anyway but if three shots won't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will."

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Tequila Bets

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 notes.
He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks,
"What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well.., you pay $10, and if you p...

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A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterw...

What happens when you cross Santa Claus with five shots of tequila?

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.

You know what they say about drinking too much tequila...

Can't remember.

A man walks into a bar and orders 20 shots of tequila...

... The bartender looks toward the door, expecting to see 19 more folks walk through the door. That doesn't happen.

"C'mon, man! I don't have all day!' exclaims the customer.

The bartender dutifully pours out 20 shots of tequila. Just as he's pouring the last one, the customer begins s...

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A bloke walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila.

He downs them one after the other, slamming the glasses on the bar.

"Never seen anyone do that before, is it a special occasion?" asked the barman.

"Yeah" answered the bloke. "First blowjob today."

"Congrats" said the barman. "Have another one on the house."

"No thanks" r...

I found out I’m allergic to tequila...

Every time I drink it, I break out in handcuffs.

Me after my 6th tequila shot

My brain: What u doing?
My stomach: What u doing?
My liver: What u doing?
Me to my ex: What u doing?

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Boyfriend and girlfriend go into a restaurant and sit down in a booth. There is a man sitting at the bar, checking the woman out, up and down.

As the boyfriend gets up to go to the bathroom,
the man walks over the the girlfriend, sits down
right across from her and looks her right in the
eyes. Without blinking he says, "I want to suck
your nipples raw, and fill your pussy up with
Tequila, and sip it out with a straw." Need...

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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

A man walks into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila

The bartender lines up the shots, and the man starts taking them one after another.

The bartender says "wow you're drinking those pretty fast"

The guy says "you would too if you had what I have"

The bartender steps back cautiously "what do you have?"

The guy says "fifty c...

My Favorite Cowboy Joke

A cowboy walks into a bar. He says to the barkeep, “I’ll have a shot of your best tequila.”

The bartender serves him the tequila and he knocks it back, slams the shot glass on the bar, and shouts, “T.G.I.F.”

A Latino man, sitting across the bar from the cowboy, orders a shot of the sam...

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A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila.

The bartender looks up and says: "Wow, have you got something to celebrate?", after which he poors the shots.
The man replies: "Yes, my first blowjob!" and takes the first shot.
Bartender: "Well, congratulations! Here, have another on the house!".
The man shakes his head and says: "Nah, ...

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Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says:
"When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The secon...

Tequila

If a guy gets drunk on tequila, and beats you up... then he's guilty of agavated assault.

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A young man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around in Spain

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.

It looked good.

It smelled good.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's te...

What do you get when you mix American Literature and alcohol?

Tequila Mockingbird

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Man takes the gallon tequila challenge.

A man after work stops by a pub for a drink. After sitting down he notices a sign saying "Finish the gallon tequila challenge and win free drinks for life." When the bartender approached, the man inquired and the bar tender explained, "nobody has ever finished it as of yet. First you must finish a g...

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Some idiot was shouting outside my window last night, vodka! Whiskey! Tequila! And at this point I got up and went to the window and shout back!

“Hey Dickhead I call the shots round here”

A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store

He bought some whiskey, and tequila

When he got home, he set them on the table

His son immediately picked up both bottles

The dad asks "What are you doing?!"

The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"

If you really want a promotion at work, all you have to do is walk into your office shouting, "Vodka! Tequila! Sambuca!" at the top of your lungs...

This will make you the person who calls the shots...

I asked my taxi driver if I could leave him some tequila and fried chicken

He said sure, so I threw up

How does Harry Potter order tequila shots?

“Patron us!”

My Doctor told me that to fix my condition, I need to switch from beer to tequila

I replied "Can't you just give me a shot?"

This bloke just came in my workplace shouting "vodka, tequila, sambuca!"

I said "Oi! I call the shots round here!"

Self-discipline is drinking 10 shots of tequila

and making it back to the right home.

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A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

I have a couple shots of tequila maybe once every blue moon.

Sorry, I wrote that wrong. I have a couple of Blue Moons for every shot of tequila.

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A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan greets him.

Hey. How's it going?

Not good. I just found out I'm in hell.

I know we have a bad reputation but it's not that bad. It's actually quite fun down here. Did you ever drink when you were alive?

Of course.

Well, Mondays, you can drink as much as you ...

Don’t lie to the cops

Man gets pulled over by the police.

"Sir have you been drinking?"

"Yes. 7 beers, 5 shots of tequila and about 4 glasses of wine."

"I'm going to ask you to take this breathalizer test."

"What! You don't believe me?"

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Guy walks into a bar asking 10 shots of tequila

So the bartender asks what's the occasion. The guy replies he just had his first blow job. Bartender feels happy for the guy and says "first one is on the house". Guy replied "if 10 can't wash the taste off my mouth, I don't see how 11th would help"

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A young tourist was attempting to sneak a quart of tequila...

...back from Mexico when the border guard stopped him and asked what was in the bottle.

"Holy water from the shrine of the Virgin Mary" replied the man.

The border guard opened the bottle, took a sip exclaimed , "This is tequila"

"My heavens!" Gasped the man. "Another miracle!"

What is a librarian's favourite drink?

Tequila Mockingbird

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?"

The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequila. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gott...

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A man walks up to the bar and orders 5 shots of tequila.

He downs each one in rapid succession then orders two more. After finishing his drinks the bartender asks amazed, "Wow, something big happen today?" the man replies, "Yeah, my first blowjob."

"Congratulations!" the bartender says, "Here's another shot, on me!"

"No thanks, if seven shot...

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[Long] A guy walks into a bar and demands 3 shots of tequila. Bartender obliges and says, "rough day?". "You have no idea!", the guy replies as he slams down the shots...

He begins telling him about his horrible day when a jar full of money at the end of the bar catches his eye. "What's that jar of money for over there? It's full to the brim of $10's and $20's!"

Bartender tells him it's a challenge he offers to his patrons, $10 to play, and you have to complet...

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So a man sits down at a bar that has a huge jar full of cash on it...

The man calls the bartender and says "Hey, what's the jar for?" The bartender tells the man that the bar has a challenge where if a customer can complete 3 tasks they will take home all the money in the jar, but if they lose, they have to empty their wallet into it. The man sizes up the jar and asks...

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Young walks into a bar

A young man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a shot of tequila. When the bartender puts the glass down in front of him he immediately downs it and asks for another. This happens 10 more times during the course of which the bartender asks for his keys. The bartender finally asks him why he...

With the second lockdown looming, I saw a man purchase 3 crates of San Miguel, 2 bottles of tequila, 6 bags of paella and a sombrero.

I think hispanic buying.

Usually, my rule for drinking is "one & done". But with tequila...

it's "Juan & Don".

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A man walks into a bar and sees a 5 gallon jug filled with $20 bills...

He sits at the bar and asks the bartender about it. The bartender replies,

"It's the $20 challenge. You put a $20 into the jar, complete a set of three challenges, and if you win you take home the entire jar!"

The man looked at it and asked what the challenges were, because that much m...

What’s the drunk Mexican’s favorite book?

Tequila Mockingbird

Boris Jeltsin, Bill Clinton and Ernesto Zedillo in Paris pub.

Boris Jeltsin, Bill Clinton and Ernesto Zedillo are going to pub in Paris to have a drink.
The bartender greets them and asks: "L'aperitif?" All there are responding with enthusiastic "Oui!"
Bartender turns to Zedillo: "Le tequila?"
Zedillo: "Oui!"
Kelner turns to Jeltsin: "...

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?

TEQUILA!

A guy walks into a bar and orders 10 whiskey shots, 5 tequila shots, and 12 rum shots all in one glass

The bartender obliges and pours out this concoction, the man proceeds to down the entire glass in one shot. The bartender says "Whoah, whoah, whoah! What's going on buddy?" The guy responds "You'd drink like this too if you had what I have," and the bartender asks, "What have you got?" The man repli...

I used to have a Ford Focus.

Then after I left a bunch of Tequila in the glove compartment it turned into a Ford Fiesta.

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Pedro and Juanita

Pedro and Juanita are running a cantina in Mexico. One day Pedro having a siesta and Juanita is looking after the bar.



One of the patrons is getting very drunk on tequila and he says "Hey Juanita, I want to kiss you all over your body."



Juanita says "Pees off you peeg....

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A Russian, Mexican, and a Texan...

Are all walking along a river. The Russian takes out a bottle of vodka, takes a small swig then throws the the rest in the river.

The Mexican exclaims, "Why would you just throw away a good bottle of vodka?!"

The Russian replies, "In the Mother Land, we have too much vodka. It's not bi...

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walked into a bar.

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

The nurse sits down and says, “I’ll have a shot of tequila!”

The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a shot of whiskey!”

The bartender turns to the anti-vaxxer, "and what are you having?". The anti-vaxxer responds, "n...

Father Instructs

He sat down very seriously in front of his son, which the son realized meant one of those boring lectures was imminent.

Father produced a brandy snifter, into which he dropped an earthworm. He then took up a bottle of tequila and filled the glass with it.

The worm quickly dissolved. ...

What's an author's favorite drink?

Tequila Mockingbird.
(Yes I know it's horrible :P)

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3 drunken challenges - long

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. As he's drinking his beer when he sees a large jug of money behind the bar and asks the bartender about it. The bartender says they have a running bet that nobody can pass 3 challenges. If you pay $20 and pass all 3 challenges the money is yours. ...

2 slabs of concrete walk into a bar..

They sit down and start discussing how tough they are, until the barman asks what they want.

Concrete 1: I'll have a pint, and a shot of tequila, because I'm hard! I'm tough and can handle anything!

So the barman gets his drinks and asks the second.

Concrete 2: me? I'll have 2 p...

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A guy enters a bar...

A guy enters a bar and orders a whole tequila bottle. The barman asks him what's up and the guy says: "I've just found out one of my sons is gay".
Next day, the same guy orders two tequila bottles. "Today, the other son told me he's also gay..." explains him to the barman.
The third day - now ...

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So there was a bar on top of the Empire State Building...

And a man went to the top and ordered some scotch. While he was drinking a man came up and ordered some tequila, drank it, and jumped over the edge of the building. The man, horrified to what he saw, was then surprised to see the same man who jumped over walk out of the elevator and sit down at the ...

LPT: If you get ink stains on a fancy shirt, then Alcohol is your best friend!

Ive learned that alcohol is the best way of dealing with ink stains. When I accidentally left my pens in the pockets of my new shirt during the first wash, they came out with huge blotches of ink all over.


However, after half a bottle of tequila, i couldn't see the stains anymore.
<...

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Guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. While he sits there he notices a jar full of money on the bar. Next to the jar is a sign that reads, "complete the challenge win the prize." Curious, the guy asks the bartender about the challenge. The bartender explains there are three part...

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A competition in the pub

A guy walks into a new pub and notices that there’s a jar full of ten pound notes.

so he asks the barman “what’s with the jar?” The barman explains, if you put a tenner in the jar and complete 3 tasks then you win all the money in the jar. He agrees and hands over a ten pound note.

“Ri...

Guy got so drunk he blew chunks (vomited)

A bartender overhears a guy in the bar bragging to his friends about how he is going to "tie one on" About 10 minutes later the guy walks up to the bar and asks for a 40 pounder of tequila. The bartender says to him I'll make you a deal, if you drink that whole bottle of tequila before you leave h...

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A man sees a sign in front of a bar that states "Free Beer For 1 Year Inquire Inside"

The man goes inside and sits down at the bar, and asks the bartender about the sign he saw out front. The bartender informs him that all he has to do is complete 3 tasks, and the bar will give him free beer for one year. The man asked what the tasks were and the bartender responded. First you need t...

I'm going to name my kids after what their mother was craving while pregnant...

Peanuts and Pickles are great. Tequila is kind of an idiot

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An englishman, a scotsman and an irishman walk into a bar.

In the corner there is a pot of money. The men ask the bartender how they can get that money. The bartender says they must:

Drink a bottle of tequila without passing out

Pulling a thorn out of a lion's paw

And have sex with a 100 year old woman.

The men agree, since it's ...

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