Vodka Jokes - 109 Hilarious Vodka Jokes

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A sad guy walks into a bar and asks for a whole bottle of vodka

The bartender sits the bottle in front of him and asks "oh boy, you look like shit, what happened?". The man answers "I just found out my brother is gay".

The next day, the same guy walks into the same bar and asks for two bottles of vodka. The bartender asks "ok, what happened this time?", t...

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My vodka Christmas cake recipe

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4...

Two Finnish guys are sitting in a ferry, drinking vodka..

After a few hours of drinking one of the Finns says “This was fun”
The other one replies:
“Are we here to drink, or are we here to talk?”

Donald Trump is like top shelf vodka

Expensive, Transparent, and wouldn't be here if not for Russia.

A man walks into a bar and asks for a vodka and orange juice...

The bartender says, Sure thing, turns around and mixes his drink, and sets a human skull shaped into a mug in front of him.

The man says, WTF! I just wanted vodka and orange juice!

The bartender says, Yeah, that's a Philips head screwdriver.

I know a guy who gets his vodka imported from Central Africa

Absolut Chad!

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The New Priest Drinks Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip...

I doubt vodka is the answer....

But it's worth a shot

I went on the vodka diet recently.

I lost three days in one week.

Vodka isn't a liquid.

It’s a solution.

Know why vodka is so clear?

Its so Russians can tell it isn't tap water.

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Three men were talking about their teenage daughters: The first says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked". The second says "That's nothing.

I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank".
Then the third speaks up.
"Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet o...

Whenever I get sad I just put vodka in an elevator.

It really lifts my spirits.

Supermarkets are putting up the price of vodka by 1p to £20.00 from tomorrow.

So tonight I’m gonna party like it’s £19.99...

A guy orders 12 straight vodkas from the barman...

"What's goin on?" asks the barman. The guy replies, "Just had my first blow-job today"
"Well done" says the barman, "Celebrating?"
"Nah, just trying to get the taste out of my mouth"

What's a Jedi's favorite brand of vodka?

Skyy. Only Sith deal in Absolut.

Drink vodka, play cards

A young man in the USSR has received his first work assignment. He is to work at a train yard helping to move the trains around the yard - a good job, with good promotional potential.

The first day of the job, he arrives at the yard, and entering the yard house he introduces himself, and want...

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The Canadian

A Canadian a Russian and a French guys are all armed with pistols and sitting around a camp fire.
The Russian pulls out a full bottle of Vodka, opens it and drinks about a quarter of it. He then throws it up into the air, draws his gun and shoot it.

The Canadian yells WTF?

The Russ...

5 Russian Jokes about Vodka

#1

A Gentleman comes to the shop and asked,

- Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca-cola.

After Half an hour he comes again and asked again,

- Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca-cola.

After one hour he comes again and asked to the shopkeeper...

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Bloke goes into a pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat off your an...

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

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The Vodka Bottle

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinki...

What do you get when you mix Vodka with laxatives?

A Russian tanker in Ukraine.

Someone told me you can clean pigs with vodka

sounds like Absolut hogwash if you ask me

A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer.

A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer like the Western cops have to deal with drunk drivers. He asks his superior for one and his superior says "Sorry comrade. We have no money."

The cop decides to go to a local black market where he buys a condom.

He stops the first driver and sa...

A man asks for vodka in a club(true story)

So I work at a nightclub and a guy approaches me and asks how much does a bottle of vodka cost, I replied with 80 euros.
The man then said "can I buy half a bottle for 40 euros" .
Me : no sir, but I can give it to you for free if you'd like.
Man : oh really! Are u joking!
Me : Yes, but y...

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

Jesus walks into a bar.

He sees a Russian man with a glass of water.
Jesus asks "My son, are you a believer?"
The Russian replies "No."
With a wave of his hands, Jesus changes it to a glass of wine.
"Well my son, do you believe now?"
The Russian frowns and shakes his head.

The next day, Jesus comes in...

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

My wife asked me "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?"

So I brought her to a Wayans brothers movie, snuck in some vodka in a water bottle and asked her for a handy in the back row

What do you call a very angry shot of vodka?

Mean spirited

If you go to a Jedi bar, the only vodka that you can get is Grey Goose.

Because..only the Sith deal in Absolut.

I went to the liqour store to look for eggnog vodka or figgy pudding bourbon ...

But there's just no Christmas spirits anymore

Gas prices are so high these days I used vodka in my lawnmower,

... now my grass is half cut.

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The Russian says "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."

The Scot says says "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch."

The Mexican says "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."

The German says "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."

The Italian says "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."

The Greek says "I'm tired ...

TIL: A fly will drink so much vodka it can hardly stand, but a bee will only take a little sip.

Just enough to get buzzed.

I spilled all my vodka today

It was an Absolut loss

British man: If you like vodka and tomato juice so much...

then why don’t you bloody mary it!

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

Why is vodka so hard to obtain in the Star Wars universe?

Because only Siths deal in Absolut.

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A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me six double vodkas.” Pouring the shots, the bartender comments, “Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay.”

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas.

When the bartender asks what’s wrong, the man says, “I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!”

On the third day, the guy comes into the ba...

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A man walks into a bar...

...he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke.

"Take this apple."

"I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke."

"Trust me, try the apple."

The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!"

"Yup. Turn it around."

"Wow!...

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

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And nun walks into a liquor store

So, a nun walks into a liquor store and asks the guy behind the counter for a fifth of vodka.

The guy thinks a minute, and says, “Sister, I can’t sell you booze. You’re a nun!”

The nun giggles nervously and says, “Oh, it’s not for me. It’s for Mother Superior.” Then she leans forward a...

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RUSSIAN VODKA URINE

A Russian guy comes across a bottle of vodka on the street. He picks it up and a genie comes out, "You are my master. You now have one wish."

The Russian man says, "I would like to piss vodka."

When the he gets home, he tells his wife to get two glasses. She asks what they'll be drinki...

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Apparently, my daughter's boyfriend poured Vodka on her vagina.

Absolut cunt.

In Soviet Union a Screwdriver is not Orange Juice with Vodka...

It’s Vodka with Orange Juice

(Jokester’s Note: Russian Vodka is the best in the world regarding to taste, which inspired me to make this joke, love y’all(as far as a westerner goes))

A man tried smuggling sausage and vodka out of Europe and his suitcase caught fire and they had to evacuate the plane.

The whole event was pretty terrible.

It was the Absolut-wurst-case scenario.

Soviet joke: a family is watching the evening news when the announcer says taxes on vodka will be going up.

“This means there will be some major changes for our family, comrades,” says the man.

“You mean you will be drinking less?” asks his son.

“Nyet,” says the father. “You will all be eating less.”

Give a Russian Tanker Vodka, He'll Be Warm for a Night

Set his ammunition on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

And God said: "Let there be vodka"

And He saw that it was good.

Then God said, "Let there be light!"

And then He said, "Whoa - too much light!"

Happy stories from a remote village

A journalist goes to a poor remote village for a documentary.

He saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.

The old man smiled and began:
"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village...

What rhymes with vodka?

No it doesn’t.

How do you fix a bottle of vodka?

Turn it Smirnoff and on again.

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An American spy comes into a Soviet bar

And orders a drink.

"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.

The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of Vodka and drains it in one big gulp.

"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"

The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, every...

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I made a cocktail with Metamucil and vodka

I call it a poodriver

Why did the bartender only charge his customer for the vodka in his screwdriver?

Because as of yesterday, OJ is free.

If you drink vodka with ice

It will wreck your appendix

If you drink whisky with ice it will kill your liver

If you drink Tequila with ice it will ruin your intestines...

Apparently, ice is bad for you!

I've really cut down on my drinking and now only have one vodka before going to bed...

Last night I went to bed 8 times.

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A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of vodka

After the shots are lined in front of him, he asks the bartender to remove the first and the last one

“Why order ten shots and then remove two?” — asks the bartender — “Why not just order eight?”

-That’s how it is with shots! The first one always tastes bad and the last one always gets...

A man walks into a bar and orders 8 shots of vodka

The bartender lines up the shot glasses and starts pouring them out, and as soon as one's filled the man slams it down.

"Woah take it easy there buddy, we're open all night", says the bartender

"You'd be drinking like this too if you had what I've got"

"Ah I'm sorry to hear that...

I asked the waiter to bring me a vodka and pepsi

He asked if coke is okay.
I said Yes.

Then he brought me coke and pepsi

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon

... when suddenly they started to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.

Putin throws out a bottle of vodka and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway”

Biden throws out an AR-15 and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my...

I want to say joke about vodka

But first. I have to Polish it.

A Soviet era joke about the value of hard work - Drink vodka, play cards

*This joke was told to me by a former colleague who was Russian, and had lived and worked under the Soviet system. He was a nuclear engineer there... and the only member of his team not sent to Chernobyl to help in the clean up. Anyway, like our hero of this story, I was fresh faced and a little hig...

So I took a shot of vodka the other day.

The picture turned out quite nice.

A man walks up to the counter and says “One vodka please!”

The person at the counter says “Sir, this is a McDonalds”

The man says “Sorry... One McVodka please!”

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A man walks into bar and orders full glass of vodka

Bartender asks him:
- What are you celebrating, mister?
He says:
- Today i got to know the taste of wild sex
Bartender:
- Congratulations! Can i offer you a bottle of champagne in this case?
A man:
- Thank you, sir, but i think champagne won't kill this taste

My friend said that vodka makes you last longer in bed. Well, he sure wasn't wrong.

I drank a pint of the stuff and the next day I was in bed for eighteen hours.

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers…..

the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.

"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"

"Nothing," replied the waiter, "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."

Vodka shots are like children.

If you have more than a couple there's a chance you'll be crying by the end of the night.

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A man walks into a bar. And orders a shot of vodka...

The bartender pours and serves the man a shot. The man shoots it quick, and orders another shot. The bartender pours and serves another shot. The man drinks it just as quickly as the first, and orders another shot. ...

Did you hear about the Bell Pepper flavored vodka?

It makes you bell-igerent.

A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store...

...but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"

After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way ...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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American tourists visit Russia

... and decide they want to take a hike in a genuine Russian forest. While hiking, they suddenly encounter a huge bear. The bear starts chasing the tourists, who are running for their lives.

Not far from there, there is a campsite where a group of Russian campers is chilling out and drinking...

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Some idiot was shouting outside my window last night, vodka! Whiskey! Tequila! And at this point I got up and went to the window and shout back!

“Hey Dickhead I call the shots round here”

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Old Soviet joke about two missiles

So USSR and the US finally go to nuclear war. They each fire a missile at each other to while the other out. The two missiles meet each other over half way to their destination.

"Comrade US missile", the USSR one says, "We are about to kill millions of people, let's stop and have a drink."...

Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv and they suddenly hit a pig...

Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.

Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back...

I walked up to the barman and asked for a vodka shot.

He said, "Straight?"

I said, "Yeah. So don't get any ideas, pal."

If you get a priest to bless vodka and drink it...

Are you filled with the Holy Spirit?

There once was a prisoner drinking vodka out of a coffee cup.

That was his mugshot.

A Russian walks into a bar and orders 4 shots of vodka

The barman serves him his shots, the Russian drinks, pays and leaves.

A month goes by and the Russian is back. Orders 4 shots as the prior month, drinks pays and leaves.

Same on the 3rd, 4th and 5th months.

By the 6th month, the barman curiously asks the Russian why does he come...

The staff of this liquor store called the cops on me for stealing Whisky and Vodka.

I don't understand. I was only lifting their spirits.

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Why won’t Obi-Wan mix you a vodka cocktail?

Only a Sith deals in Absoluts.

Im trying the new Vodka diet...

Lose 3 days every week

One part vodka, one part vermouth, add olives and olive juice then drink alone

Quarantini

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A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan greets him.

Hey. How's it going?

Not good. I just found out I'm in hell.

I know we have a bad reputation but it's not that bad. It's actually quite fun down here. Did you ever drink when you were alive?

Of course.

Well, Mondays, you can drink as much as you ...

If you really want a promotion at work, all you have to do is walk into your office shouting, "Vodka! Tequila! Sambuca!" at the top of your lungs...

This will make you the person who calls the shots...

TIFU when my mom caught me drinking her Vodka...she made me drink the entire bottle to teach me a lesson

about brand loyalty

Ran out of vodka and decided to ride my bike into the liquor store

Man that hurt.

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A man walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me five shots of vodkas."

The bartender brings the drinks, raises an eyebrow and empathetically asks, "What up, man. Rough day?"

The man downs his first shot and says, "Just found out my eldest son is gay. I ain't prejudice, but I was raised how I was raised. I just need a bit of spirit to accept it."

Two night...

A bartender walks out of a bar, sees a shot of Vodka on the roof and says:

This one's on the house.

I'm allergic to Vodka, I can't drink it.

It makes me break out in handcuffs.

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As I walked into the park at 7am, I saw a man had been trapped under a fallen tree

He saw me and shouted “Get Help!”.

I replied “Fuck Off!” and took a swig from my bottle of vodka. “I can quit anytime I want!”.

My weed and vodka store is doing really well.

Everyone who shops there leaves with high spirits.

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10 shots of vodka...

A young man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 10 shots of vodka. The bartender shakes his head and says "Hold on pal, that's a lot of vodka... what's the special occasion?" The young man grins and says "My first blowjob."

The bartender congratulates him and says "You know, that is ...

How did the stoner feel when he jumped into a vat of marijuana infused vodka?

He was in high spirits

How much vodka does it take to kill a Russian?

None.

My recipe for vodka-flavoured brats never caught on.

It was the Absolut wurst.

Hear about the alcoholic that could never choose between wisky or vodka?

He was really good at multiflasking.

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I want to try translating a Polish joke and see if it works. A few friends are drinking vodka in the kitchen...

And there are disgusting flies all over the room. They can hardly sip their drinks without these wretched flies getting in their cups, or worse, their mouths.

One man tells his friends he has an idea to get the flies to stop bothering them, but they need to avert their eyes.

A few minu...

A college freshman in the year 2034 opens a bottle of cheapo vodka and immediately exclaims:

Smells just like my childhood!

This just in: A Burger King employee in Kalispell, Montana was arrested today after being caught putting vodka in the orange Hi-C.

Local police say it was the first reported case of a Flathead screwdriver.

What do you call a bottle of Vodka which is shared by a group of Russian coworkers?

Team spirit.

I have a Russian friend who always asks me to try vodka even though I don't like it.

Well I guess if he insists so much, Soviet.

An alcoholic walks into a bar...

"What do you guys have?" Asks the alcoholic

"Well, we've got Brandy, Whiskey, Rum, Vodka... Any preference?" Answers the bartender

"Yes, alphabetical order, please"

What did the Matryoshka dolls say to the bottle of Vodka when it gave it a kiss?

I feel like we are Russian things.

What grows when you plant a pumpkin spice latte and water it with vodka?

A sorority.

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