"Bad news son, the price of Vodka has risen", said the father. "Does that mean that you will drink less", asks the son.

"No, you will eat less."

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

A horse in Russia walks into a bar, with a thick Russian accent the horse asks the bartender to pour him a glass of vodka.

Before I go on with the rest of the joke, you should know this joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of "I think therefore, I am." I'm explaining that part now, because in soviet Russia you put Descartes before the horse.

The bartender says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might b...

Ran out of vodka and decided to ride my bike into the liquor store

Man that hurt.

Marsians took an American, a German and a Russian prisoners. They locked each of them in a separate room and gave each one a 10 litre bottle of vodka, stating that that whoever manages to drink all of his will be set free, otherwise they will be executed.

The next morning the Marsians discover the American, dead on the floor, having drunk only 1 litre.

In the next room, the see the German, passed out, having drunk only three litres. They take him to the pit of death where he is executed.

The Russian however, was banging on the door all ...

A Russian walks into a bar and orders 4 shots of vodka

The barman serves him his shots, the Russian drinks, pays and leaves.

A month goes by and the Russian is back. Orders 4 shots as the prior month, drinks pays and leaves.

Same on the 3rd, 4th and 5th months.

By the 6th month, the barman curiously asks the Russian why does he come...

One night, a wife buys two bottles of vodka, and the next morning she checks on the bottles and tells her husband,

“Last night I bought two bottles of vodka, and today there is only one left. Where did it go?”

The husband responds, “There were two?”

I dropped 3 bottles of vodka in the parking lot today...

I really can't hold my liquor.

There once was a prisoner drinking vodka out of a coffee cup.

That was his mugshot.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me six double vodkas.” Pouring the shots, the bartender comments, “Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay.”

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas.

When the bartender asks what’s wrong, the man says, “I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!”

On the third day, the guy comes into the ba...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why won’t Obi-Wan mix you a vodka cocktail?

Only a Sith deals in Absoluts.

How did the stoner feel when he jumped into a vat of marijuana infused vodka?

He was in high spirits

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sad guy walks into a bar and asks for a whole bottle of vodka

The bartender sits the bottle in front of him and asks "oh boy, you look like shit, what happened?". The man answers "I just found out my brother is gay".

The next day, the same guy walks into the same bar and asks for two bottles of vodka. The bartender asks "ok, what happened this time?", t...

TIFU when my mom caught me drinking her Vodka...she made me drink the entire bottle to teach me a lesson

about brand loyalty

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pastor was nervous about speaking infront of his congregation so he put a glass of vodka next to the water glass

repost because it got deleted



the next day he had a note on his desk saying

don't chug the vodka

there are 12 disciples not ten

there are ten commandments not 12

we do not refer to the trinity as daddy junior and the spook

david slew goliath, he did...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar, slams $20 down and asks for a vodka. The barman serves the drink and enquires about his problem...

"I just found out my brother is gay", says the guy. "Man, that's tough," says the barman. Two weeks later the same guy goes to the bar again, and slams another $20 on the bar. The barman again enquires about his problem."I just found out my father is gay too!" says the guy. "Wow your family is screw...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Apparently, my daughter's boyfriend poured Vodka on her vagina.

Absolut cunt.

Donald Trump is like top shelf vodka

Expensive, Transparent, and wouldn't be here if not for Russia.

Vodka isn't a liquid.

It’s a solution.

A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store...

...but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"

After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Russian Man is drinking Vodka in a bar...

A Russian man is drinking a large glass of vodka in a bar when he feels his heart give out and drops dead.
He is approached by a spirit who offers to grant him a wish, now that he is dead. The man thinks it over and says that he’d like to go finish his vodka.
A flash, and he’s a spider han...

When I was a kid, I found a bottle of vodka someone had left at the treehouse at the playground. So I took it to the police station.

The police told me not to worry. They would get to the bottom of it.

If you really want a promotion at work, all you have to do is walk into your office shouting, "Vodka! Tequila! Sambuca!" at the top of your lungs...

This will make you the person who calls the shots...

A man tried smuggling sausage and vodka out of Europe and his suitcase caught fire and they had to evacuate the plane.

The whole event was pretty terrible.

It was the Absolut-wurst-case scenario.

Why did the bartender only charge his customer for the vodka in his screwdriver?

Because as of yesterday, OJ is free.

I doubt vodka’s the answer

But it’s worth a shot.

A ghost walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka...

The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve spirits here."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The New Priest Drinks Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip...

Hear about the alcoholic that could never choose between wisky or vodka?

He was really good at multiflasking.

A man sits down at a bar and orders ten shots of vodka

When the bartender finishes pouring them out the man pushes away the first and last shot glass. Another patron, sitting next to him, quietly observes the man doing the exact same thing three times before he gathers up the courage to ask why he doesn't drink the first and last one.

The man loo...

So I told my friend to drink vodka, and he actually did it.

the Absolut madman.

What's a Jedi's favorite brand of vodka?

Skyy. Only Sith deal in Absolut.

My weed and vodka store is doing really well.

Everyone who shops there leaves with high spirits.

I found my girlfriend slumped over Hadrian's Wall with an empty vodka bottle in her hand.

I'm worried she's becoming a borderline alcoholic.

How much vodka does it take to kill a Russian?

None.

I don't think drinking Vodka is the solution to all of my problems...

But it's worth a shot.

Vodka shots are like children.

If you have more than a couple there's a chance you'll be crying by the end of the night.

What do you get when you mix vodka and Holy water?

A Holy Spirit

Know why vodka is so clear?

Its so Russians can tell it isn't tap water.

I walked up to the barman and asked for a vodka shot.

He said, "Straight?"

I said, "Yeah. So don't get any ideas, pal."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

RUSSIAN VODKA URINE

A Russian guy comes across a bottle of vodka on the street. He picks it up and a genie comes out, "You are my master. You now have one wish."

The Russian man says, "I would like to piss vodka."

When the he gets home, he tells his wife to get two glasses. She asks what they'll be drinki...

A Chinese spy wearing a tuxedo walks into a Russian bar.

He says to the bartender, “The name is Wong. Li Wong. I’ll have a martini. Shaken, not stirred.”

“Gin or vodka?” Asks the bartender.

“Surprise me.” Replies Li.

The bartender makes the martini, gives it to Li and says, “If you can guess the name of the alcohol, it’s on th...

I'm allergic to Vodka, I can't drink it.

It makes me break out in handcuffs.

What grows when you plant a pumpkin spice latte and water it with vodka?

A sorority.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walls into a bar and orders 10 shots of vodka.

"Rough day?" the bartender asks, setting the shots down.

"Yep," the guy answers. "Just found out that my brother is gay."

A week later, the same guy walks into the bar with the same bartender, and asks 10 shots of vodka again.

Remembering the guy from last week, the bartender as...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a cocktail of vodka, orange juice, sloe gin, and southern comfort?

A slow, comfortable, screw.

I've been on this new Vodka diet.

It's great, I've lost 3 days already!

5 Russian Jokes about Vodka

#1

A Gentleman comes to the shop and asked,

- Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca-cola.

After Half an hour he comes again and asked again,

- Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca-cola.

After one hour he comes again and asked to the shopkeeper...

A father dies and in order to be at his daughter's wedding he possesses a bottle of vodka from the kitchen.

At least he was with them in spirit.

My recipe for vodka-flavoured brats never caught on.

It was the Absolut wurst.

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 pints of lager followed by 12 shots of vodka

The barman then watches, amazed, as the bloke downs them one after the other. Recovering, the customer says:

'I shouldn't have done that with what I've got.'

'What have you got?' Asked the barman.

The customer looked at him guiltily. 'Oh, about two dollars.'

Old man enters a bar and starts knocking back vodka shots, one after the other, until his lights slowly start to dim.

The bartender, who was also a friend, tells him to take it easy, go home, that he's had enough. Refusing, he goes on until eventually the friend convinced him.

'I'm going home!'

As expected, as soon as he leaves from the bartop, he falls flat on his face, eventually dragging himself hi...

Someone was taken down to the police station after they were caught drinking vodka from a coffee cup while driving.

They took a mug shot.

Mikhail Gorbachev wakes up late after a long night of worrying about the fate of the USSR over a bottle of vodka.

He's so late, in fact, that he tells his slow-driving limo driver to get out of the car so he can drive himself to the Kremlin. He's speeding down the highway from his dacha into downtown Moscow when he blazes past a cop car on the side of the road.

The first cop says to his partner, "Man, t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy runs into a bar, straight up to the bartender, and yells "Quick! 10 shots of your finest vodka!"

The bartender quickly prepares 10 shots and watches in amazement as the guy takes all 10, one after another, without barely breathing in between them.

The guy lets out a huge sigh and puts his head down on the bar, saying "Thanks, I really needed that."

The bartender says "wow, man! I'...

During the Cold War, the CIA wanted to create the perfect Russian spy.

So they train a cohort for years and then they choose the best candidate. They deploy him from a stealth submarine on a remote Russian coast and the spy starts making his way towards Moscow through the frozen tundra. After a few days he comes across a small trapping village and as he was starting to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The genie and the russian

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking ...

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.

In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?”

Nun : "Mother Superior told me."

Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"

Nun : "No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor."

Man : "Well, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Vodka Christmas Cake recipe

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes.
Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!)

1 cup sugar

1 tsp. baking powder

1 cup water

1 tsp. salt ...

My favorite part of a marathon is...

My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and orders a vodka tonic...

A man walks into a bar and orders a vodka tonic. The bartender puts an apple on the bar. "The fuck is this?" Asks the man. "Just try it" says the bartender. "WOW this apple tastes like vodka!" The bar tender says "Try the other side..." "WOW it tastes just like tonic!" Another man walks in and order...

My fourth grade teacher told the class to go outside and sit Indian style...

so I drank a bottle of vodka and passed out in the street.

I asked a grocery store clerk to help me find the vodka

Turns out he was my spirit guide.

Three men sit down for a drink

An American, a German and a Russian. After a few hours the three decide to brag about who can drink more. The American goes first and holds up one finger. "I can drink one bottle of vodka in one sitting". The other two applaud him as that is an impressive feat. The German goes second and holds up t...

A bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca-cola (Russian Joke)

A man comes to the shop:
- Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca-cola.
Half an hour later he comes again:
- Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca-cola.
An hour later he comes again:
- Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of... of Sprite. It seems Coca-cola makes me...

What brand of vodka does a Canadian drink?

Grey Moose

What is the difference between homeless and vodka?

Vodka does not freeze

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.

He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think y...

Bad tooth NSFW

[Warning: NSFW content, long story]

A man walks into a new bar his friends told him about and they decided to check out together. He goes up to the bartender to give a description of his friends and ask him if he's seen them, but before he gets the question off he sees his friends on the far ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A black man and an ukrainan walk into a bar

A black man and a ukrainian walk into a bar in Moscow

They look at eachother for a while and then the black goes first:

Give me a shot of vodka! -he says to the bartender (he gets it and drinks it)

The ukrainian looks at him and orders a shot of whiskey (he gets it and drinks...

Roses are red, violets are blue

Vodka is cheaper than dinner for two

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

10 shots of vodka...

A young man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 10 shots of vodka. The bartender shakes his head and says "Hold on pal, that's a lot of vodka... what's the special occasion?" The young man grins and says "My first blowjob."

The bartender congratulates him and says "You know, that is ...

How did the Russian mathematician celebrate 4/20?

He drank a fifth of vodka.

The Evils of Alcohol . . .

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Turk, an American and a Russian are going on a space mission.

They’ll have to stay for a year and observe various space anomalies.

Before they go, they are given the right of picking a stock of something they like for keeping their morale up.

Russian goes for Vodka and he gets 30 bottles of Smirnoff.

American wants some bacon, it’s granted...

A good Russian joke about Russians :)

It goes smth like this (I may have modified some parts slightly so that it would sound better in English).

For their new research, several sociologists have designed a device that registers every expletive used in the immediate vicinity to determine how often swearing words are used by differ...

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?"

Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."
The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"
The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lion waa doing the cocaine

Once upon a time, a bear was smoking the weed. The rat see this.

Rat : why are you wasting your life in this, come with me. Jungle is so pretty.

So the bear and the rat start touring the jungle. They see a wolf doing the meth.

Rat : why are you wasting your life in this, come wi...

An drunk alcoholic walks into a kids’ party

He sees all these long lines of children waiting for their rides, snacks etc.
He finally sees some adults holding drinks in their hands and joins them.
He stand there for hours, waiting for the line to move. Finally when his number comes, he asks for a “Vodka Martini, Shaken not stirred. I h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A black man from the USA, 200 cm tall, enters a coffee shop in Ukraine.

He sits down and orders a whiskey. An Ukrainian, 210 cm tall, enters the tavern, sits across the American and orders vodka.

The American, wanting to look superior, takes his whiskey and drinks it all at once.

So then the Ukrainian wanted to show that he can do it too, so he takes his v...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into the bar.

He sees a mod of r/Jokes crying over the counter.

"Hey buddy, what's wrong with you?" the Man asks.

Mod: "My life is pathetic. I've been a mod for the past 4 months and I was told I'd get a paycheck of $70000 every month. Those fuckers haven't paid me anything yet. I'm totally broke no...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man finds a goldfish and it grants him one wish.

So he tells the goldfish: "I want to be able to urinate vodka". So the goldfish grants his wish, and he quickly goes back to him cabin to see if it's true. He opens his door and yells at his wife "HONEY! Get me a glass!", and so she does. He pisses in his glass and drinks it, and much to his surpris...

A man goes to a party with his friend where you can serve your own drinks by using the drink dispensers,

He is having fun, enjoying the night but he becomes more and more parched as the night goes on.

He decides to get a drink from one of the many drink dispensers available. He wanders around for a bit until deciding on a gin, then would go and add some tonic to it. As he’s waiting in line he lo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Conversation between friends at a bar

Guy: Hey have a shot of this

Girl: no man I dont drink but anyway is that tequila or vodka

Guy: why do you know soo much about alcohol when you don't want to have any

Girl: Do you know what doggy style is ?

Guy: ( with a big smile) yea

Girl: 69 ?

Guy: obviou...

Everyone, please be careful!!

Last night I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, followed by a few vodkas, followed by a few shots.... But I had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do something entirely different. I took a taxi home. Sure enough, there was a police road block on the way ...

A man is late for an important interview

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray.

"Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!"

A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mi...