My Boss, always badgering me to keep the HVAC system on.

It's exhausting!

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A couple driving home run over a badger.....

they get out and find it's still breathing but freezing cold.

Husband says "put it between your legs and warm it up".

Wife replies "but it's all wet and it stinks".

Husband replies "well hold the badgers fucking nose then"

I called the ASPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six Badgers in a suitcase by the side of the road

"Are they moving?" asked the operator

"Not sure" I replied "But that would explain the suitcase"

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.



Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they p...

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President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your ar...

A man and his wife are eating at a restaurant when another woman smiles and waves at him

"Who is that woman, dear?" the wife asks.

"She's no one," he responds.

But his wife keeps badgering him, so he relents, "Okay... that's my mistress."

"And who's that other woman with her?" the wife asks.

"That's Bob's mistress," the man replies.

"Ours is prettier."

I was driving along and saw a suitcase on the side of the road, so I pulled over to investigate.

When I opened it up I saw a family of badgers.

I immediately pulled my phone out and rang the Animal Rescue number.

"Hi, I've just found a family of badgers in a suitcase."

“Are they alive?"

"No idea, I'm not a vet."

"Well are they moving?"

"Oh yeah, good po...

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The female stink badger has 12 potent smelling nipples..

dozen tit make scents

A buzzard carrying two dead badgers tried to check in at the airport for his flight.

The gate attendant told him, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one carrion."

Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and Bill Clinton die and go to hell.

Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and Bill Clinton die and go to hell.

They are lined up in front of three doors. The first is opened to reveal a swarm of wasps and mosquitoes. Satan's voice booms "Mr Obama you have sinned, and now you must spend all of eternity with these vile creations!" And with...

whats black white and red all over?

a badger in a blender

3 hunters were walking in a forest when they came across some tracks.

One hunter claims they were bear tracks.

The second frowns, and says "No, those are certainly badger tracks."

The third just laughs and says, "Honestly! You two crack me up! Those are *obviously* baby elephant tracks!"



And then the train hit them.

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Jamaican Sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, ‘You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..’

So t...

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So there's this duck...

...and one day he's walkin down the street when he gets a huge craving for some donuts. So he goes to the bakery and walks in and says to the baker "hey man can i get a dozen donuts, half glazed and half boston creme?" And the baker's like "No, you can't. We don't serve ducks here." And the duck's a...

A farmer had ordered a mail order bride

She arrived by train in the nearest town, so he strapped his horse to his carriage and went to pick her up.

On the way back, the horse stumbles on one leg, and the farmer loudly says "That's one!"

After a little while more, the horse once again stumbles, and the farmer loudly says "Tha...

A hunter sat in a bar.

A hunter walks into a bar, bragging that he can recognize any kind of animal skin by touch alone. When no one seems impressed he adds that he's also able to identify the exact weapon used to kill the animal.

This intrigues the other guests and they decide to put his boast to the test. After w...

[Long] The American Fox Hunt

The US president, wanting to see which of his intelligence agencies was the best, released a fox into a wood and asked various agencies to catch it.

The NSA goes first. They tap the phone lines within the rabbit holes and monitor any internet searches on fox related topics within the wood. Af...

Why don't University of Wisconsin football players ever date University of Minnesota cheerleaders?

Ever seen what a badger does to a gopher hole?

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Three blondes are walking in the forest...

..when they come to a set of tracks. The first one decides she is gonna try her best to look smart in front of the other two and claims that based by the look of the tracks they belong to a badger. The second trying not to be outdone claims that the first had it all wrong and they were definitely ra...

Second half centipede

The animals and the insects were always competing as to which group was greater. The insects argued that they were greater in number and more diversified. The animals argued they rat were more highly developed and had greater abilities.
To prove which group was greater they agreed to have a foot...

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Voodoo Dick

This businessman is going away on a trip for 2 weeks, and he doesn't want his wife to get lonely and mess around while he's gone, so he stops by the adult outlet in town. He looks around and sees lots of dildos, sex dolls, vibrators and etc, but nothing that would keep his wife occupied for 3 weeks....

TIL Every animal has its own specific mating call

A bird sings, a frog croaks, a badger clickets, a grasshopper chirps, a deer croons, and I beg.

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