UPJOKE
rodentcastorotterporcupinemoosesquirrelcaribouwolverinedeerrivermuskratminkstovepipetopperfur

A rabbit and a beaver are looking up at the majesty of the Hoover Dam

And the beaver says to the rabbit

"Well I didn't build it but it's based on my design"

So there's these two beavers...

one is named Joe and the other, Steven. Joe and Steven have a fire. Joe decides he's hungry so he grabs a pan and some sticks.

Steven runs over and says "Joe what are you doing?" And says "im just grilling up some sticks."

Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe's paw and says
...

The beaver says "I didn't build that, Your Honor."

The judge points at the picture of the pile of logs in the river and says "we have damming evidence against you"

I'll see myself out

The date I took to the AC/DC concert had buck teeth, giving her a cute beaver smile

She was the best dam woman I had even seen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life...

Author's note - Wrote this from memory. When you tell this joke in person, act out the stuff in brackets.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life from a German patrol. One of the benefi...

I walked out my my cabin to find a beaver chewing on my favorite tree.

So I says to him "Will you stop doing that, Mr. Beaver?"



Him "Gnaw."

Just watched a documentary about beavers.

Best dam show I've ever seen.

There is a beaver in our local zoo who is quite the celebrity. His name is Clint.

Clint EatsWood.

Is your mom a beaver?

cause dam

What did the beaver say when he saw his new house for the first time?

Dam!

As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind.

We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

A beaver is eating an ice cream

He has a sour look on his face. 'I wish I'd reach the stick already' he mumbles to himself.

When a river sees a beaver

"Well, I'll be dammed"

What did the male beaver say to the female beaver when she said she wanted him to build something nice for her?

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a dam.”

What did the beaver say to the doe when asked to do contract work for charity?

"Frankly my deer, I don't give a dam"

What does a beaver from Philly drink?

Wooder.

How can you tell that only male beavers cut down trees?

Because they're all fellers.

A beaver hit a wall.

And yells out dam.

Did you know Princess Diana’s limo driver had a side job?

He was also a beaver trapper. He would sell his pelts at trade shows on his days off. Even when he wasn’t driving he liked to show fur.

I was reading on the BBC about a plan to reintroduce beavers to London.

I'm all for it....I do prefer a bit of grass on the pitch personally.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a beaver god, named Buck...

Buck owned a store that sold houses to other beaver gods. Buck was very picky about who can and can't come into the store, so he stood by the door every day to make sure that only beaver gods came in.

One day, dog god named Susan walked into the store with her pet donkey, Harry. Susan always ...

I loved watching "Leave it to Beaver"

Just so I could hear June say "Gosh Ward, you sure were hard on the Beaver last night"

what does a beaver say when something bad happens

Damn it

Beavers are great dam builders and Canada's national animal.

That's why Canada is the best damn country in the world!

How can you tell if a beaver is flirting with you?

They'll send you a stick pic

I just saw Oregon has a drive-thru strip club. Today, we salute these frontline workers who are taking care of the Beaver State’s residents in response to COVID-19...

Heroes Twerk Here

What did a river say when seeing beavers for the first time?

"Well I'll be dammed!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Slips of the Tongue

**12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio ...**

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

He probably drank beaver milk (clever reference to the movie The Animal)

This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the acci...

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "things are great, and I've never felt better! I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, doc?"
The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story...

What did the beaver find after his home was destroyed by a flood?

Not a dam thing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beaver is at the doctor

A doctor is in a checkup room and had been following up with a patient, who is a beaver, for the past hour with an unexplainable illness.

They’ve eventually whittled down options and are now facing normal protocol to see if he’s actually sick or if it’s something else.

“Well, we’ve che...

What’s a Beavers favorite snack?

Wood chips.

A toothless beaver

A toothless beaver walks into a bar and asks...

"Where's the bar tender?"

Two beavers are looking over a river.

One turns to the other and says, "Dam it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose?

Ten little piggies, two calves, a beaver, and an ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Canadians call a wet pussy?

An eager beaver.

Only reason I thought of this was because I'm polishing my resume and looked up synonyms for self-starter, and one was eager beaver. One thing led to another, and I thought of this lol.

An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup

The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a sea...

A beaver goes into a bar

A beaver goes into a bar,sees a mans standing behind the bar and asks,"is the bar tender here."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a beaver’s favorite mathematical function?

No, not log, it’s a fucking beaver you dipshit. They don’t understand math

Wife came out the shower giggling at this joke she just thought up: Why didn’t the beavers send any wood down the river?

Because they didn’t give a dam.

Why are beavers always happy?

They dont give a dam!!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Damn Girl, are you a beaver....

Cuz damn.

Shit doesn’t work as well if I start with damn girl. How do I change the title?

A new study proves that beavers cause extensive flooding

I've read it. The evidence against them is damning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is like a tree. You spend a lifetime building yourself up,

just to be knocked on your ass by a little beaver.

Why should you never mess with a beaver in the wild?

Because it's none of your dam business.

Beaver jokes

Can be pretty dam funny.

Why was the beaver mad

because no one came to his damn party.

I saw a beaver movie last night

it was the best dam movie ever.

Hey, you know what the beaver said when he slipped on water?

Damn it !!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beaver swims in the river and notices a cow smoking on the shore.

"Hey, cow! Whatcha doin?"

"Nothing... Just chillin..."

"And what's this funky smelling cigarette?"

"Oh! That's pot. It makes you chill. Wanna try?"

The beaver took a puff and started coughing immediately.

"Dude! You need to hold it! Inhale... Waaaait... Exhale"
...

Beavers get a lot of flak for building their shelters and blocking water ways-

But they are Damed if they do, and Damned if they don't

What did the beaver say to the tree?

"It's been nice gnawing you!"

What did one beaver say to the other beaver when he fell in the river?

Dammit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Favourite porn movie parodies…

I’ll start, let’s see what list we can create…

Shaving Ryan’s Privates

Schindler’s Fist

Willy Bonk Her in the Chocolate Factory

Pulp Friction

Evil Head

Honey, I blew everybody

Inspect Her Gadget

Missionary Impossible

Saturday Night Beave...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Beaver...

This little girl takes a shower with her mom. She looks up and says "mom what are those?" "Those are my breasts" the mother replied. "You will get these when you get older." Then the little girl looks down and says "mom what's that?" "That is my beaver, you will get hair on your when you get older."...

If the beavers are rowing their canoe down main st and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes will it take to shingle a dog house?

Seven because ice cream has no bones

Where do beavers go to cash their paychecks?

The riverbank.

My beaver left me and she's never coming back

She said I'm not worth a dam.

What do you call a communist beaver?

A dam commie

Did you hear about the beaver who learned to code?

It was the best dam program ever made...

What does a French beaver call her home? (From my 8 year old)

Madame

Someone once challenged me to tell a joke about beavers

I told them: Dam, I can’t .

I said to my friend "I bet you can't name a single subject, I don't have a joke about" He said " beavers"

"damn" I replied....

First attempt at dad jokes:what did father beaver told his son when he constructed his first dam?

Dam son!!!

What do you call it when rodents invade a beaver colony?

Hamsterdam

After a fatal river rise, what did the commander beaver say to all the other beavers?

Dam it.

What's worse than a dead muskrat under your piano?

A diseased beaver on your organ.

Hey Guys! They brought back Angry Beavers! Isn't it great?

Its been renamed to The View, however...

Which species of ants prefer to eat beavers ?

Lesbi-ants

Beaver curry

A Canadian is showing his English friend around his hometown.

Canadian: "Have you ever tried beaver curry?"

Englishman: "Beaver curry,!?"

Canadian: " Yeah, it's like normal curry, but just a bit otter."

Why do we call lady parts beavers?

Because they devour wood.

What's the worst part about being a beaver?

It's a lot of dam work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are vaginas called beavers?

Because they eat wood!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The rabbit(R) is sitting by the lake smoking weed, a beaver(B) is swimming by, sees the rabbit and asks

B: hey, what you got there?
R: oh, this thing is called weed and it does some insane shit. You inhale hold it, swit to the other side and exhale. It makes you feel sooooo goood.
B: lemme try
The rabbit gives him the weed, the beaver does like the rabbit said, comes out the other side of the...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.