As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind.

We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

A beaver goes into a bar

A beaver goes into a bar,sees a mans standing behind the bar and asks,"is the bar tender here."

I just finished a documentary on beavers

Best dam movie I've ever seen.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A beaver swims in the river and notices a cow smoking on the shore.

"Hey, cow! Whatcha doin?"

"Nothing... Just chillin..."

"And what's this funky smelling cigarette?"

"Oh! That's pot. It makes you chill. Wanna try?"

The beaver took a puff and started coughing immediately.

"Dude! You need to hold it! Inhale... Waaaait... Exhale"
...

What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked him to help stop the flooding affecting her grazing grounds?

Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.

I should start making friends with beavers

They always seem to give a dam

The Old Man and the Beaver

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor
for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great
and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 30 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Do...

What do you call a communist beaver?

A dam commie

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is a beaver’s favorite mathematical function?

No, not log, it’s a fucking beaver you dipshit. They don’t understand math

What did the beaver say when he swam into a wall?

Dam it

Two beavers are looking over a river.

One turns to the other and says, "Dam it."

Beavers get a lot of flak for building their shelters and blocking water ways-

But they are Damed if they do, and Damned if they don't

This Thanksgiving’s super moon is a “Beaver Moon”...

After it’s waxing phase it will be a “Brazilian Moon”.

What did one beaver say to the other beaver when he fell in the river?

Dammit

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the Beaver say to the Platypus?

"Holy duck, Bill, we have the same fucking tail!"

Did you hear about the beaver who learned to code?

It was the best dam program ever made...

After a fatal river rise, what did the commander beaver say to all the other beavers?

Dam it.

I loved watching "Leave it to Beaver"

Just so I could hear June say "Gosh Ward, you sure were hard on the Beaver last night"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a beaver god, named Buck...

Buck owned a store that sold houses to other beaver gods. Buck was very picky about who can and can't come into the store, so he stood by the door every day to make sure that only beaver gods came in.

One day, dog god named Susan walked into the store with her pet donkey, Harry. Susan always ...

First attempt at dad jokes:what did father beaver told his son when he constructed his first dam?

Dam son!!!

Do you know why Canada has "the Beaver" as it's national symbol?

Because Canada is the best "damn" country in the world!

A new study proves that beavers cause extensive flooding

I've read it. The evidence against them is damning.

What do you call it when rodents invade a beaver colony?

Hamsterdam

What do conservative beavers build?

Darns

So there's these two beavers...

one is named Joe and the other, Steven. Joe and Steven have a fire. Joe decides he's hungry so he grabs a pan and some sticks.

Steven runs over and says "Joe what are you doing?" And says "im just grilling up some sticks."

Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe's paw and says
...

Hey girl, are you a beaver?

Cause damn.

What did the beaver say to Satan?

Well, I'll be dammed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A christian mother thought to herself since my husband has been working so hard preaching maybe i should cook him a nice dinner...

He loves ham so i'll get him some ham. She went to the grocery store and asked mr. Brown the deli manager "Do you have some fresh ham?" He said "no all I have is some damham" She said "I'm a christian how dare you say that to me?" He said "No thats the brand see?" "Oh!" she said, it has a beaver and...

Why are beavers so peaceful??

Because they mind their own damn business.

Which species of ants prefer to eat beavers ?

Lesbi-ants

My beaver left me and she's never coming back

She said I'm not worth a dam.

An 86 year old man goes in to his yearly checkup.

His doctor says, "You're looking good, how do you feel?"

The old man says, "I feel *great*. I have a 25 year old wife who's carrying my baby. What do you think about that?"

The doctor says, "That reminds me of another patient I have who's about your age. He an avid hunter and never ...

Why was the beaver mad

because no one came to his damn party.

Grandma's Beaver.

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.”

The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower.

H...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why are vaginas called beavers?

Because they eat wood!

A hunter sat in a bar.

A hunter walks into a bar, bragging that he can recognize any kind of animal skin by touch alone. When no one seems impressed he adds that he's also able to identify the exact weapon used to kill the animal.

This intrigues the other guests and they decide to put his boast to the test. After w...

What did the tree say to the bullying beaver?

Gnawed again.

Where do beavers go to cash their paychecks?

The riverbank.

If the beavers are rowing their canoe down main st and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes will it take to shingle a dog house?

Seven because ice cream has no bones

Beaver curry

A Canadian is showing his English friend around his hometown.

Canadian: "Have you ever tried beaver curry?"

Englishman: "Beaver curry,!?"

Canadian: " Yeah, it's like normal curry, but just a bit otter."

How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

10 little piggies, 2 calves, a beaver, an ass, some hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find.

Where does a beaver priest live?

In a God Dam House!

What's the worst part about being a beaver?

It's a lot of dam work.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Beaver...

This little girl takes a shower with her mom. She looks up and says "mom what are those?" "Those are my breasts" the mother replied. "You will get these when you get older." Then the little girl looks down and says "mom what's that?" "That is my beaver, you will get hair on your when you get older."...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A distraught farmer asked a preacher what would happen if he killed a beaver who had begun working near the canal by his farm.

"Damned if you do, dammed if you don't."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lumber company posts a job opening for a wood identification expert.

One day there is a knock on the door of the office. When the manager opens it there is a man with no arms or legs, and he is wearing dark glasses.

"I am here about the job"

The manager says, "but you have no arms or legs"

"I am also blind," the man replies.

"How can you p...

I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.

I otter know better.

What does a French beaver call her home? (From my 8 year old)

Madame

Why do we call lady parts beavers?

Because they devour wood.

Hey Guys! They brought back Angry Beavers! Isn't it great?

Its been renamed to The View, however...

What did the beaver say when his house burned down?

Damn

One day, a young deer named Frank Lee went out with his mother...

As they were carrying on with their daily business, they came across a river with a beaver building a dam.


The young deer asked his mother, “Why is the beaver building a dam?”


His mother responded, “Not for long. Watch and learn, son.”


The mother then proceeded to...

Did You Hear That Someone Stole a Bunch of Prime Timber?

Authorities eventually tracked it down to a group of beavers. Not everyone was convinced but the evidence was damming.

I have been to every brothel in Red Dead Redemption 2,

And I still can't find the legendary beaver.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The lions decide to claim the land that is rightfully their own

"We have ruled over these creatures for long enough, we deserve to take ownership of their homes." The lions pondered, so decide to take action.

Firstly they met with the timid rabbits, and ask "Hello Mr and Mrs Rabbit, can we have your property?" And the rabbits curl in fear and exclaim "Of ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A twelve year old boy asks his dad what a vagina is?

The father says "That's what a woman's private area is, and that is where babies come from"

The boy asks "What's a beaver?", the father replies "That's just another name for it".

The boy then asks "What's a pussy", the father replies "That is just another name for the vagina, it's wher...

I was kicked out of a Canadian strip club

I guess I shouldn't have yelled 'show me your beaver' to the girls there.

An 80y/o bloke goes to the doctor for his regular checkup.

Doc: "How are you feeling then Mr Tabernackle?" Mr Tabernackle: 'I feel amazing. I just hit a 90 on 18 holes at the club, went for a great swim and my 21 year old wife is pregnant!' Doc: "That's incredible!" Mr Tabernackle: 'Well you don't have to be so astounded. I may be 80 but I keep myself in go...

What did the beaver say when he found out his new neighbour was a fish?

Cod dam

A wife tells her husband her underwear cost $300...

The husband screams "Three hundred dollars!? That's outrageous!" The wife says "Well you don't wrap a beautiful jewel in newspaper".

The husband replies "Yeah, but you don't gift wrap a dead beaver, either".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a guy and his new girlfriend are messing around...

when she stops him in his tracks and says, "I don't think I'm ready for sex with you yet. We've only been going out for a couple of weeks."

Disappointed, the guy asks, "well, is there anything I can do to show you that I'm serious and want to take our relationship to the next level?"

S...

The other day I overheard my wife on the phone with a taxidermist...

She kept going on about how she loved how he stuffed her beaver.

What's worse than finding a dead monkey on your piano?

Finding a diseased beaver on your organ.

How much wood does a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck chuck could chuck wood?

None because only beavers give a dam.

A wolf is walking through the forest...

A wolf is walking through the forest and sees a beaver.

"Come here" he says.

The Beaver comes over and the wolf, looking at a list in his hand, says "Ah here you are. Mr. Beaver. You'll come to the big field tomorrow at 8am and I'll eat you for breakfast. Any questions?"

"No" sa...