As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind.

We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

A beaver goes into a bar

A beaver goes into a bar,sees a mans standing behind the bar and asks,"is the bar tender here."

What did the beaver say when he slipped in water?

Dammit.

Beavers aren't empathetic

They never give a dam.

Two beavers are looking over a river.

One turns to the other and says, "Dam it."

I walked out my my cabin to find a beaver chewing on my favorite tree.

So I says to him "Will you stop doing that, Mr. Beaver?"



Him "Gnaw."

What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked him to help stop the flooding affecting her grazing grounds?

Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.

I should start making friends with beavers

They always seem to give a dam

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The rabbit(R) is sitting by the lake smoking weed, a beaver(B) is swimming by, sees the rabbit and asks

B: hey, what you got there?
R: oh, this thing is called weed and it does some insane shit. You inhale hold it, swit to the other side and exhale. It makes you feel sooooo goood.
B: lemme try
The rabbit gives him the weed, the beaver does like the rabbit said, comes out the other side of the...

I just watched a documentary on beavers

Best dam show I’ve ever watched

A beaver walks into a bar

A beaver walks into a bar and asks “where’s the bar tender?”

I said to my friend "I bet you can't name a single subject, I don't have a joke about" He said " beavers"

"damn" I replied....

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There was a beaver god, named Buck...

Buck owned a store that sold houses to other beaver gods. Buck was very picky about who can and can't come into the store, so he stood by the door every day to make sure that only beaver gods came in.

One day, dog god named Susan walked into the store with her pet donkey, Harry. Susan always ...

Have you ever tried beaver curry?

It’s just like a regular curry but a little otter!

I loved watching "Leave it to Beaver"

Just so I could hear June say "Gosh Ward, you sure were hard on the Beaver last night"

What did the beaver say when he swam into a wall?

Dam it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a beaver’s favorite mathematical function?

No, not log, it’s a fucking beaver you dipshit. They don’t understand math

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A beaver swims in the river and notices a cow smoking on the shore.

"Hey, cow! Whatcha doin?"

"Nothing... Just chillin..."

"And what's this funky smelling cigarette?"

"Oh! That's pot. It makes you chill. Wanna try?"

The beaver took a puff and started coughing immediately.

"Dude! You need to hold it! Inhale... Waaaait... Exhale"
...

What do you call a communist beaver?

A dam commie

The Old Man and the Beaver

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor
for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great
and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 30 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Do...

Beavers get a lot of flak for building their shelters and blocking water ways-

But they are Damed if they do, and Damned if they don't

First attempt at dad jokes:what did father beaver told his son when he constructed his first dam?

Dam son!!!

After a fatal river rise, what did the commander beaver say to all the other beavers?

Dam it.

What do you call it when rodents invade a beaver colony?

Hamsterdam

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What did the Beaver say to the Platypus?

"Holy duck, Bill, we have the same fucking tail!"

Did you hear about the beaver who learned to code?

It was the best dam program ever made...

So there's these two beavers...

one is named Joe and the other, Steven. Joe and Steven have a fire. Joe decides he's hungry so he grabs a pan and some sticks.

Steven runs over and says "Joe what are you doing?" And says "im just grilling up some sticks."

Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe's paw and says
...

A new study proves that beavers cause extensive flooding

I've read it. The evidence against them is damning.

Do you know why Canada has "the Beaver" as it's national symbol?

Because Canada is the best "damn" country in the world!

My beaver left me and she's never coming back

She said I'm not worth a dam.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A christian mother thought to herself since my husband has been working so hard preaching maybe i should cook him a nice dinner...

He loves ham so i'll get him some ham. She went to the grocery store and asked mr. Brown the deli manager "Do you have some fresh ham?" He said "no all I have is some damham" She said "I'm a christian how dare you say that to me?" He said "No thats the brand see?" "Oh!" she said, it has a beaver and...

What did the beaver say to Satan?

Well, I'll be dammed.

Hey girl, are you a beaver?

Cause damn.

Why was the beaver mad

because no one came to his damn party.

A hunter sat in a bar.

A hunter walks into a bar, bragging that he can recognize any kind of animal skin by touch alone. When no one seems impressed he adds that he's also able to identify the exact weapon used to kill the animal.

This intrigues the other guests and they decide to put his boast to the test. After w...

Why are beavers so peaceful??

Because they mind their own damn business.

An 86 year old man goes in to his yearly checkup.

His doctor says, "You're looking good, how do you feel?"

The old man says, "I feel *great*. I have a 25 year old wife who's carrying my baby. What do you think about that?"

The doctor says, "That reminds me of another patient I have who's about your age. He an avid hunter and never ...

Where do beavers go to cash their paychecks?

The riverbank.

Which species of ants prefer to eat beavers ?

Lesbi-ants

Grandma's Beaver.

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.”

The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower.

H...

What did the tree say to the bullying beaver?

Gnawed again.

What's the worst part about being a beaver?

It's a lot of dam work.

If the beavers are rowing their canoe down main st and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes will it take to shingle a dog house?

Seven because ice cream has no bones

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Why are vaginas called beavers?

Because they eat wood!

Where does a beaver priest live?

In a God Dam House!

How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

10 little piggies, 2 calves, a beaver, an ass, some hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find.

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A distraught farmer asked a preacher what would happen if he killed a beaver who had begun working near the canal by his farm.

"Damned if you do, dammed if you don't."

Beaver curry

A Canadian is showing his English friend around his hometown.

Canadian: "Have you ever tried beaver curry?"

Englishman: "Beaver curry,!?"

Canadian: " Yeah, it's like normal curry, but just a bit otter."

Hey Guys! They brought back Angry Beavers! Isn't it great?

Its been renamed to The View, however...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Beaver...

This little girl takes a shower with her mom. She looks up and says "mom what are those?" "Those are my breasts" the mother replied. "You will get these when you get older." Then the little girl looks down and says "mom what's that?" "That is my beaver, you will get hair on your when you get older."...

Why do we call lady parts beavers?

Because they devour wood.

I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.

I otter know better.

What did the beaver say when he found out his new neighbour was a fish?

Cod dam

What does a French beaver call her home? (From my 8 year old)

Madame

Whats worse than a sick muskrat on your piano?

A diseased beaver on your organ

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man with a small penis?

Just in Beaver

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lumber company posts a job opening for a wood identification expert.

One day there is a knock on the door of the office. When the manager opens it there is a man with no arms or legs, and he is wearing dark glasses.

"I am here about the job"

The manager says, "but you have no arms or legs"

"I am also blind," the man replies.

"How can you p...

An 80y/o bloke goes to the doctor for his regular checkup.

Doc: "How are you feeling then Mr Tabernackle?" Mr Tabernackle: 'I feel amazing. I just hit a 90 on 18 holes at the club, went for a great swim and my 21 year old wife is pregnant!' Doc: "That's incredible!" Mr Tabernackle: 'Well you don't have to be so astounded. I may be 80 but I keep myself in go...

Did You Hear That Someone Stole a Bunch of Prime Timber?

Authorities eventually tracked it down to a group of beavers. Not everyone was convinced but the evidence was damming.

I have been to every brothel in Red Dead Redemption 2,

And I still can't find the legendary beaver.

Goes a bunny on a nice summer day...

with freshly made joint by the river walk, lies down in the grass and starts to smoke.

The beaver comes by and asks: "Hey Bunny, what do you have there? "

"A nice joint that hits you nicely!"

Beaver: "Anything left for me? Will too like to be high. "

Bunny: "Nah, I do not...

One day, a young deer named Frank Lee went out with his mother...

As they were carrying on with their daily business, they came across a river with a beaver building a dam.


The young deer asked his mother, “Why is the beaver building a dam?”


His mother responded, “Not for long. Watch and learn, son.”


The mother then proceeded to...

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A twelve year old boy asks his dad what a vagina is?

The father says "That's what a woman's private area is, and that is where babies come from"

The boy asks "What's a beaver?", the father replies "That's just another name for it".

The boy then asks "What's a pussy", the father replies "That is just another name for the vagina, it's wher...

The other day I overheard my wife on the phone with a taxidermist...

She kept going on about how she loved how he stuffed her beaver.

A wife tells her husband her underwear cost $300...

The husband screams "Three hundred dollars!? That's outrageous!" The wife says "Well you don't wrap a beautiful jewel in newspaper".

The husband replies "Yeah, but you don't gift wrap a dead beaver, either".

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