As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind.

We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

What does a beaver yell when its mad?

Dam it, Dam it all!

I just watched a documentary on beavers

Best dam show I’ve ever watched

I walked out my my cabin to find a beaver chewing on my favorite tree.

So I says to him "Will you stop doing that, Mr. Beaver?"



Him "Gnaw."

I should start making friends with beavers

They always seem to give a dam

A beaver walks into a bar and he sees a man standing behind the bar and asks...

"Is the bar tender here?"

I loved watching "Leave it to Beaver"

Just so I could hear June say "Gosh Ward, you sure were hard on the Beaver last night"

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A beaver swims in the river and notices a cow smoking on the shore.

"Hey, cow! Whatcha doin?"

"Nothing... Just chillin..."

"And what's this funky smelling cigarette?"

"Oh! That's pot. It makes you chill. Wanna try?"

The beaver took a puff and started coughing immediately.

"Dude! You need to hold it! Inhale... Waaaait... Exhale"
...

Beavers aren't empathetic

They never give a dam.

I saw a beaver movie last night

it was the best dam movie ever.

Beaver jokes

Can be pretty dam funny.

I said to my friend "I bet you can't name a single subject, I don't have a joke about" He said " beavers"

"damn" I replied....

What did the beaver say when he slipped in water?

Dammit.

Someone once challenged me to tell a joke about beavers

I told them: Dam, I can’t .

A man fell into a river in Oregon a week ago and was eaten alive by beavers

Dam

What did the beaver say when he swam into a wall?

Dam it

What do you call a communist beaver?

A dam commie

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What is a beaver’s favorite mathematical function?

No, not log, it’s a fucking beaver you dipshit. They don’t understand math

Two beavers are looking over a river.

One turns to the other and says, "Dam it."

Have you ever tried beaver curry?

It’s just like a regular curry but a little otter!

So there's these two beavers...

one is named Joe and the other, Steven. Joe and Steven have a fire. Joe decides he's hungry so he grabs a pan and some sticks.

Steven runs over and says "Joe what are you doing?" And says "im just grilling up some sticks."

Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe's paw and says
...

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Damn Girl, are you a beaver....

Cuz damn.

Shit doesn’t work as well if I start with damn girl. How do I change the title?

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There was a beaver god, named Buck...

Buck owned a store that sold houses to other beaver gods. Buck was very picky about who can and can't come into the store, so he stood by the door every day to make sure that only beaver gods came in.

One day, dog god named Susan walked into the store with her pet donkey, Harry. Susan always ...

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Six year old Bobby is at his grandmothers house...

When he has to go to the bathroom. As most six year olds do, he walks into the bathroom without knocking and sees his naked grandmother coming out of the shower. “Bobby! What are you doing?” Bobby says “sorry grandma, I had to go pee.” Bobby looks down and points at her privates and asks “what’s tha...

Did you hear about the beaver who learned to code?

It was the best dam program ever made...

After a fatal river rise, what did the commander beaver say to all the other beavers?

Dam it.

Beavers get a lot of flak for building their shelters and blocking water ways-

But they are Damed if they do, and Damned if they don't

What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked him to help stop the flooding affecting her grazing grounds?

Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.

A new study proves that beavers cause extensive flooding

I've read it. The evidence against them is damning.

Nostalgia: What did June Cleaver say to her husband, Ward, in the morning?

Don't you think you were a little rough on the Beaver last night?

The Old Man and the Beaver

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor
for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great
and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 30 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Do...

What do you call it when rodents invade a beaver colony?

Hamsterdam

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The rabbit(R) is sitting by the lake smoking weed, a beaver(B) is swimming by, sees the rabbit and asks

B: hey, what you got there?
R: oh, this thing is called weed and it does some insane shit. You inhale hold it, swit to the other side and exhale. It makes you feel sooooo goood.
B: lemme try
The rabbit gives him the weed, the beaver does like the rabbit said, comes out the other side of the...

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What did the Beaver say to the Platypus?

"Holy duck, Bill, we have the same fucking tail!"

Do you know why Canada has "the Beaver" as it's national symbol?

Because Canada is the best "damn" country in the world!

My beaver left me and she's never coming back

She said I'm not worth a dam.

Hey girl, are you a beaver?

Cause damn.

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When was the first time sex was discussed on TV.

When June Cleaver told Ward, “ You were pretty hard on the Beaver last night.”

What is a beavers favorite junk food?

Woodchips

Why was the beaver mad

because no one came to his damn party.

What did the beaver say to Satan?

Well, I'll be dammed.

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Why are vaginas called beavers?

Because they eat wood!

Which species of ants prefer to eat beavers ?

Lesbi-ants

What did the tree say to the bullying beaver?

Gnawed again.

How many animals can fit in one pair of pantyhose?

10 little piggies, two calves, one ass, one beaver, a few thousand hares, a camel's toes and the scent of a dead fish

One day, a young deer named Frank Lee went out with his mother...

As they were carrying on with their daily business, they came across a river with a beaver building a dam.


The young deer asked his mother, “Why is the beaver building a dam?”


His mother responded, “Not for long. Watch and learn, son.”


The mother then proceeded to...

A large semiaquatic rodent with webbed hind feet and a broad flat tail walks into a bar carrying a hammer and screwdriver.

He starts working on various wobbly bar stools, wonky tables, stuck doors, sagging rails and so on, fixing misalignments and straightening everything up, all the while humming and singing under his breath.

After several minutes of careful work to get everything straight and level he finishes...

Where do beavers go to cash their paychecks?

The riverbank.

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What do you call a man with a small penis?

Just in Beaver

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A distraught farmer asked a preacher what would happen if he killed a beaver who had begun working near the canal by his farm.

"Damned if you do, dammed if you don't."

If the beavers are rowing their canoe down main st and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes will it take to shingle a dog house?

Seven because ice cream has no bones

Hey Guys! They brought back Angry Beavers! Isn't it great?

Its been renamed to The View, however...

Whats worse than a sick muskrat on your piano?

A diseased beaver on your organ

Where does a beaver priest live?

In a God Dam House!

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Beaver...

This little girl takes a shower with her mom. She looks up and says "mom what are those?" "Those are my breasts" the mother replied. "You will get these when you get older." Then the little girl looks down and says "mom what's that?" "That is my beaver, you will get hair on your when you get older."...

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A lumber company posts a job opening for a wood identification expert.

One day there is a knock on the door of the office. When the manager opens it there is a man with no arms or legs, and he is wearing dark glasses.

"I am here about the job"

The manager says, "but you have no arms or legs"

"I am also blind," the man replies.

"How can you p...

What's the worst part about being a beaver?

It's a lot of dam work.

Why do we call lady parts beavers?

Because they devour wood.

I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.

I otter know better.

What does a French beaver call her home? (From my 8 year old)

Madame

Beaver curry

A Canadian is showing his English friend around his hometown.

Canadian: "Have you ever tried beaver curry?"

Englishman: "Beaver curry,!?"

Canadian: " Yeah, it's like normal curry, but just a bit otter."

An 80y/o bloke goes to the doctor for his regular checkup.

Doc: "How are you feeling then Mr Tabernackle?" Mr Tabernackle: 'I feel amazing. I just hit a 90 on 18 holes at the club, went for a great swim and my 21 year old wife is pregnant!' Doc: "That's incredible!" Mr Tabernackle: 'Well you don't have to be so astounded. I may be 80 but I keep myself in go...

I have been to every brothel in Red Dead Redemption 2,

And I still can't find the legendary beaver.

Did You Hear That Someone Stole a Bunch of Prime Timber?

Authorities eventually tracked it down to a group of beavers. Not everyone was convinced but the evidence was damming.

What did the beaver say when he found out his new neighbour was a fish?

Cod dam

The other day I overheard my wife on the phone with a taxidermist...

She kept going on about how she loved how he stuffed her beaver.

A hunter sat in a bar.

A hunter walks into a bar, bragging that he can recognize any kind of animal skin by touch alone. When no one seems impressed he adds that he's also able to identify the exact weapon used to kill the animal.

This intrigues the other guests and they decide to put his boast to the test. After w...

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A christian mother thought to herself since my husband has been working so hard preaching maybe i should cook him a nice dinner...

He loves ham so i'll get him some ham. She went to the grocery store and asked mr. Brown the deli manager "Do you have some fresh ham?" He said "no all I have is some damham" She said "I'm a christian how dare you say that to me?" He said "No thats the brand see?" "Oh!" she said, it has a beaver and...

A wife tells her husband her underwear cost $300...

The husband screams "Three hundred dollars!? That's outrageous!" The wife says "Well you don't wrap a beautiful jewel in newspaper".

The husband replies "Yeah, but you don't gift wrap a dead beaver, either".

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A twelve year old boy asks his dad what a vagina is?

The father says "That's what a woman's private area is, and that is where babies come from"

The boy asks "What's a beaver?", the father replies "That's just another name for it".

The boy then asks "What's a pussy", the father replies "That is just another name for the vagina, it's wher...

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