As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind.

We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

I just finished a documentary on beavers

Best dam movie I've ever seen.

What’s a Beavers favorite snack?

Wood chips.

What did the beaver say to the tree?

"It's been nice gnawing you!"

Why should you never mess with a beaver in the wild?

Because it's none of your dam business.

What did the beaver find after his home was destroyed by a flood?

Not a dam thing.

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A beaver is at the doctor

A doctor is in a checkup room and had been following up with a patient, who is a beaver, for the past hour with an unexplainable illness.

They’ve eventually whittled down options and are now facing normal protocol to see if he’s actually sick or if it’s something else.

“Well, we’ve che...

I just watched a show about Beavers...

It was the best dam show I ever saw

Hey, you know what the beaver said when he slipped on water?

Damn it !!

I loved watching "Leave it to Beaver"

Just so I could hear June say "Gosh Ward, you sure were hard on the Beaver last night"

A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...

Is the bar tender here?

I walked out my my cabin to find a beaver chewing on my favorite tree.

So I says to him "Will you stop doing that, Mr. Beaver?"



Him "Gnaw."

Wife came out the shower giggling at this joke she just thought up: Why didn’t the beavers send any wood down the river?

Because they didn’t give a dam.

Just finished eating a beaver curry...

It's like a normal curry, but otter.

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There was a beaver god, named Buck...

Buck owned a store that sold houses to other beaver gods. Buck was very picky about who can and can't come into the store, so he stood by the door every day to make sure that only beaver gods came in.

One day, dog god named Susan walked into the store with her pet donkey, Harry. Susan always ...

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God woke up with a hangover.

He held His temples as one of His angels knocked gently on the door. He grumbled them inward.

"Sorry to disturb You, Sir," the angel said hesitantly. "But I wanted to congratulate you on yesterday's creations. For the most part, they were spectacular!"

"Wha...?" God mumbled. The angel ...

Two beavers are looking over a river.

One turns to the other and says, "Dam it."

I should start making friends with beavers

They always seem to give a dam

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What is a beaver’s favorite mathematical function?

No, not log, it’s a fucking beaver you dipshit. They don’t understand math

Beavers aren't empathetic

They never give a dam.

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A beaver swims in the river and notices a cow smoking on the shore.

"Hey, cow! Whatcha doin?"

"Nothing... Just chillin..."

"And what's this funky smelling cigarette?"

"Oh! That's pot. It makes you chill. Wanna try?"

The beaver took a puff and started coughing immediately.

"Dude! You need to hold it! Inhale... Waaaait... Exhale"
...

With the increasing popularity of the big box stores, small family-owned stores were really struggling in the small town where I grew up. To fight back against the completion, three of them decided to merge.

Aikenhead's Hardware, Stroker Autoparts, and Beaver Lumber got together to make Stroker-Aiken-Beaver. The grand opening was spectacular, everybody came.

What do you call a communist beaver?

A dam commie

Beaver jokes

Can be pretty dam funny.

So there's these two beavers...

one is named Joe and the other, Steven. Joe and Steven have a fire. Joe decides he's hungry so he grabs a pan and some sticks.

Steven runs over and says "Joe what are you doing?" And says "im just grilling up some sticks."

Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe's paw and says
...

What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked him to help stop the flooding affecting her grazing grounds?

Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.

A new study proves that beavers cause extensive flooding

I've read it. The evidence against them is damning.

A man fell into a river in Oregon a week ago and was eaten alive by beavers

Dam

Did you hear about the beaver who learned to code?

It was the best dam program ever made...

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Damn Girl, are you a beaver....

Cuz damn.

Shit doesn’t work as well if I start with damn girl. How do I change the title?

Someone once challenged me to tell a joke about beavers

I told them: Dam, I can’t .

Beavers get a lot of flak for building their shelters and blocking water ways-

But they are Damed if they do, and Damned if they don't

The Old Man and the Beaver

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor
for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great
and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 30 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Do...

First attempt at dad jokes:what did father beaver told his son when he constructed his first dam?

Dam son!!!

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What did the Beaver say to the Platypus?

"Holy duck, Bill, we have the same fucking tail!"

After a fatal river rise, what did the commander beaver say to all the other beavers?

Dam it.

Do you know why Canada has "the Beaver" as it's national symbol?

Because Canada is the best "damn" country in the world!

My beaver left me and she's never coming back

She said I'm not worth a dam.

Out of all the animals that take from the land

The beaver is the only one that gives a dam

I said to my friend "I bet you can't name a single subject, I don't have a joke about" He said " beavers"

"damn" I replied....

God and the animals

God is handing out characteristics to all of the animals, and he's getting close to the end of the list. All the animals have picked except the lions, the beavers, and the pigs. God looks up from the list and says "Who wants courage?" One of the pigs says to another, "Ooh, we should get that!" the o...

What do you call it when rodents invade a beaver colony?

Hamsterdam

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The rabbit(R) is sitting by the lake smoking weed, a beaver(B) is swimming by, sees the rabbit and asks

B: hey, what you got there?
R: oh, this thing is called weed and it does some insane shit. You inhale hold it, swit to the other side and exhale. It makes you feel sooooo goood.
B: lemme try
The rabbit gives him the weed, the beaver does like the rabbit said, comes out the other side of the...

What did the beaver say to Satan?

Well, I'll be dammed.

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A little boy walks in and catches his mum in the shower...

He looks down at her beaver and says "mummy what is that?"

She says "well that's where God hit me with and axe"

And he replies "what right in the cunt?"

Where do beavers go to cash their paychecks?

The riverbank.

Why was the beaver mad

because no one came to his damn party.

Grandma's Beaver.

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.”

The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower.

H...

Beaver curry

A Canadian is showing his English friend around his hometown.

Canadian: "Have you ever tried beaver curry?"

Englishman: "Beaver curry,!?"

Canadian: " Yeah, it's like normal curry, but just a bit otter."

One day, a young deer named Frank Lee went out with his mother...

As they were carrying on with their daily business, they came across a river with a beaver building a dam.

The young deer asked his mother, “Why is the beaver building a dam?”

His mother responded, “Not for long. Watch and learn, son.”

The mother then proceeded to destroy and wr...

A husband and wife were driving home one night

When they hit a beaver in the road. Seeing that the animal is still alive but hurt, they decide to take it to get some help.

Climbing back in the car with the beaver, the wife says “Aww, the poor thing must be cold it’s shivering so bad”.

The husband says, “Put it in the seat between...

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Why are vaginas called beavers?

Because they eat wood!

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Beaver...

This little girl takes a shower with her mom. She looks up and says "mom what are those?" "Those are my breasts" the mother replied. "You will get these when you get older." Then the little girl looks down and says "mom what's that?" "That is my beaver, you will get hair on your when you get older."...

Which species of ants prefer to eat beavers ?

Lesbi-ants

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Six year old Bobby is at his grandmothers house...

When he has to go to the bathroom. As most six year olds do, he walks into the bathroom without knocking and sees his naked grandmother coming out of the shower. “Bobby! What are you doing?” Bobby says “sorry grandma, I had to go pee.” Bobby looks down and points at her privates and asks “what’s tha...

Hey Guys! They brought back Angry Beavers! Isn't it great?

Its been renamed to The View, however...

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A distraught farmer asked a preacher what would happen if he killed a beaver who had begun working near the canal by his farm.

"Damned if you do, dammed if you don't."

What's the worst part about being a beaver?

It's a lot of dam work.

If the beavers are rowing their canoe down main st and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes will it take to shingle a dog house?

Seven because ice cream has no bones

Why do we call lady parts beavers?

Because they devour wood.

Where does a beaver priest live?

In a God Dam House!

Nostalgia: What did June Cleaver say to her husband, Ward, in the morning?

Don't you think you were a little rough on the Beaver last night?

I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.

I otter know better.

What does a French beaver call her home? (From my 8 year old)

Madame

What did the beaver say when he found out his new neighbour was a fish?

Cod dam

That's my beaver.

Little Johnny happened to wander into the guest bathroom one morning and noticed his grandmother taking a shower. After a moment of peering through the glass shower door, Johnny asked, "Grandma, what's that?" Startled, his grandmother replied, "That's my beaver. Now, run along and give me some priva...

A large semiaquatic rodent with webbed hind feet and a broad flat tail walks into a bar carrying a hammer and screwdriver.

He starts working on various wobbly bar stools, wonky tables, stuck doors, sagging rails and so on, fixing misalignments and straightening everything up, all the while humming and singing under his breath.

After several minutes of careful work to get everything straight and level he finishes...

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What do you call a man with a small penis?

Just in Beaver

Whats worse than a sick muskrat on your piano?

A diseased beaver on your organ

How many animals can fit in one pair of pantyhose?

10 little piggies, two calves, one ass, one beaver, a few thousand hares, a camel's toes and the scent of a dead fish

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