The Tortoise challenged the Hare

The Tortoise said “race you home!”

The Hare began sprinting. The Tortoise retracted into his shell.

What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common?

They both want to get there before the hare does.

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I kinda did...

A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"

A hare responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me an...

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A guy sitting at a bar in Chicago O'Hare

A guy sitting at a bar in Chicago O'hare noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant.

But which airline does she work for?" Hoping to gain her attention, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Slogan, "Love ...

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?

Because from a distance they looked like hares.

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A bear and a hare found a magic lamp.

And the genie that comes out of it says that they both get 3 wishes each.

The bear goes first and say: I wish to be the sexiest male bear in the universe.

The genie snaps his finger and simply replies: Your wish has been granted.

The hare asks for a Harley Davidson motorcycle....

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Some Religious Truths

TAOISM: Shit happens

ZEN BUDDHISM: What is the sound of shit happening?

PROTESTANTISM: Let shit happen to someone else

ATHEISTS: Shit happens for no apparent reason

HARE KRISHNA: Shit happens/ Shit happens/ Happens, happens/ Shit happens

CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say...

The Rabbit

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of t...

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What's the difference between a hare and a rabbit?

You can pull a hare out your arse but you can't pull a rabbit.

I told my dad that I wanted to become a man. So he made me lie down on the ground, then he sprinkled grass and seeds on my pecs.

I said, "Why are you doing this?"
He said, "It will put hares on your chest."

What do you call it when a thousand rabbits jump backwards?

A receding hare line

Hare-lip joke my mother told me a long time ago.

A woman with a cleft lip was sitting by herself at a dance club. She absolutey loved to dance, but was also extremely self-conscious about her appearance. After an hour or so of no one even smiling at her, she was about to leave. A gentleman at the bar noticed the woman and was instantly taken by he...

A hare, turtle, and a centipede ran out of beer at a party..

Wanting to keep the party alive the tortoise hands the hare 50 dollars and says, "Here, take this to the store and buy more booze." "Wait! The hare is way too drunk to go to the store." The centipede said. The tortoise says, "I'm not gonna waste anymore time! I will go." The centipede stops the tort...

A small hare walks into Mr. Bear's Forest Grocery Store...

"Hey, Bear," he says, "Got any rotten carrots?"

"No, Hare," the bear responds. "I only have sweet fresh carrots. Do you want some?"

The hare shakes his head and walks out. The next mornings he walks in again.

"Hey, Bear, got any rotten carrots?"

"No," the bear says, "I've...

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Oprah Winfrey was busted by TSA at O'Hare airport today with 40 pounds of crack.

They let her go because it just turned out to be her vagina.

A tortoise and a hare are at the park

The hare approaches the tortoise and asks him if he wants to race.

They agree to race to the nearest tree. The hare wins easily.

"Not fair! Let's go again," begged the tortoise.

They race again but this time to the river. The hare wins again.

"One more time," the tortoise...

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A hare is running around the forest...

Runs, runs, and suddenly he sees a fox, smoking weed. So he stops, and says: "Hey, fox, stop smoking this shit, drugs are bad! Do something for your health instead, come run with with me!" The fox thinks about it for a second, then puts out the joint and comes running with the hare.

The run, ...

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The Tale Of Hare & Tortoise

Once there was a hare and a tortoise. Hare used to make fun of the tortoise about his speed. After getting fed up of all the remarks of hare, tortoise proposed a bet to race to finally conclude who is faster. Hare being confident in himself agreed to the bet. They both started the race from the agre...

In the classic story of the tortoise and the hare, what was the tortoise's name?

Winslow.

An Austrian joke: The hare, the fox and the bear receive their enlistment order

An Austrian joke I like very much:

The hare, the fox and the bear turn 18 and receive their enlistment order, but don't want to serve in the military. This was back when conscientious objection was not as easy as it is nowadays.

They meet in front of the barracks and think about what t...

My Mate was losing his hair and was really embarrassed by it.

I said to him don't worry mate i have a solution, intrigued and exited by this, he said what is the solution?: I said put Rabbits on your head. Is this a special cure he asked?

I said no, but from a distance they will look like Hares:

What do you call four hundred french rabbits turning around and running away from a fight?

A receding hare line.

What do you get when you throw a rabbit at someone's head?

Facial Hare

My pet rabbit was an enlightened thinker but was electrocuted.

Now, he's a Volt-Hare

I won the prize for "Largest litter of rabbits!"

But only by a hare.

Man and the hare

A man is driving in his car down a long road, by a field. Suddenly, a hare jumps out, and without being able to swerve that quickly, he un-avoidably runs over the innocent creature. He immediately pulls over to see the done damage. So distressed that he has killed the hare, he begins to cry...
B...

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There once was a snail named Sam who lived in a forest which had an interesting reputation;

all the forest creatures would design elaborate vehicles and then race against each other every month. The snail loved to watch the races, and dreamed of participating one day.

However, everyone told the snail there was no way someone as slow as him would ever race. But, he was determined! Fo...

Some of my favorites

Where do rabbits fly? Hare Force One.

What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.

What do you call a jacket that’s on fire? A blazer.

I have 3 eyes, 2 noses and 4 mouths. What am I? Ugly.

Why do golfers always have 2 pairs of pants? In case they get a hole-in-o...

What do you call an arctic rabbit

A polar hare

How many animals can fit in one pair of pantyhose?

10 little piggies, two calves, one ass, one beaver, a few thousand hares, a camel's toes and the scent of a dead fish

Elephant Stew

## Ingredients

* 1 Elephant
* Brown gravy, and lots of it
* Salt and pepper to taste
* 2 Rabbits (optional)

## Directions

Cut elephant into small, bite-size pieces.

This should take about 2 months.



Add enough brown gravy to cover,

cook over...

Why was the Mad Hatter acting a little queer?

He had a hare up his ass.

What the... that rabbit is wearing a tuxedo.

Yeah, he’s probably coming from a hare dresser.

Did you hear the one about the angry magician?

He was so mad he pulled his hare out.

I was driving through a Forrest and felt a small bump so

I stopped and pulled over to see what happened . I had ran over a hare. Suddenly a girl came over and sprayed something on the dead hare. It then jumped up ,ran a few feet then waved .It kept repeating this and I was shocked .i asked the girl what she sprayed on the hare.

She said it was inst...

I ordered rabbit stew but had to return it.

There was a hare in my soup

I’m going to tattoo a row of rabbits running away on the top of my head.

That way if I go bald everyone can see my receding hare line.

I've opened up a barber shop for rabbits

I do hare cuts, only.

I visited a rabbit farm

It was a hare raising experience

A guy passes a store selling cheap trinkets from around the world

A small figurine in the window catches his eye. It's a little rabbit with a mallet getting ready to hit some mochi. The man recognises this as the rabbit in the moon from the story and decides he really likes it. He goes inside and asks the sales clerk about the price.

Upon hearing the price,...

Road Kill

Driving along An English country road one night and what appeared to be A massive rabbit jumped out in front of the car and bang, I knocked it flying. I stopped the car and went to investigate what I'd hit. The animal was dead so i moved it to the side of the road. Another car pulled up and this guy...

My brother has been out of town for a month and I've had to take care of his pet rabbit the whole time.

Let me tell ya...it's been hare raising.

What's the difference between greyhound racing and R Kelly..?

The greyhounds wait for the hare.

I went out partying and drinking last night, and I forgot to feed my pet rabbit.

I really let my hare down.

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The bear and the rabbit

A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods and find a lamp. After rubbing it, a genie appears and agrees to grant them both 3 wishes.

For his first wish, the bear says, "I wish all the female bears in this forrest find me irresistable and sexy" and the genie grants his wish. The rabbit...

A father was telling his son a bedtime story

“Once upon a time , there was a tortoise and a hare. The hare was boastful and bragged that he was the fastest of all the creatures. The tortoise then decided to challenge the hare to a race. So the two set a course, and the race began. The hare ran as fast as he could.....”

“Sorry Dad, but I...

I almost hit a rabbit on my way home last night.

Missed him by a hare.

There is a wolf in the woods with a notebook.

(Translated from Russian)

There is a wolf in the woods with a notebook.

He approaches the squirrel.

"Squirrel, what are you doing tomorrow morning?"

-It seems nothing ...

"All right, then I'll write you down for breakfast." Come - I'll eat you!

Squirrel nods...

My friend and I can't agree on what his job title at the rabbit farm actually is, he calls himself a processor while I say he is a butcher...

... Either way, he is just splitting hares.

A Bunny Story..

Once upon a time there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunn...

Why do people eat rabbit meat?

Aren't they disgusted by the hare in their food?

If I ever start to go bald

I'll get a rabbit tattooed onto my head..
From a distance it would look like a hare

Met a guy in a bar with a rabbit on his face. “What’s that?” I said..

“A facial hare” he replies

How did the rabbit know his wife was cheating on him?

He found multiple hares in his bed XD

When I was younger I tried breeding rabbits...

it was a hare-raising experience.

Here is my original joke for you Reddit. Why did the Easter bunny decide to leave his wife?

He kept finding random hares in his bed.

Where can you find flying rabbits?

In the hare force.

A priest and a minister were golfing...

...when the minister swung and hit a rabbit with his shot. They both went up to the rabbit and saw that it was dead. Then the priest takes a small bottle out of his pocket and pours the contents onto the rabbit. Immediately the rabbit wakes up and hops away.

The minister says "Wow, I've neve...

Two Bald Eagles

A bald eagle decides to stop by a small lake to get a drink. As he's drinking another bald eagle lands next to him.


He looks at the eagle and notices a tulip, a rose, and a rabbit's foot on top of his head.

"What's with the stuff on your head?", the eagle asks.

"Oh this?"...

How do rabbits stay cold in the summer?

Hare conditioning

The Dead Rabbit

A while back I was driving across the countryside on my home. I saw a sudden flash of brown from the side of the road and felt something hit the car. I pulled over and saw I had hit rabbit. It's little whiskers were twitching, and I could tell he wasn't going to make it. I was trying to think how to...

How did the tortoise win the race?

He recruited dudes with some cross-hares.

What did one bush say to another when it got eaten by a rabbit?

Nice hare cut.

Why did Donald Trump lock down the White House when the Easter Bunny was escaping?

because his hare is almost gone.

How does the Easter Bunny keep his ears standing straight up?

He uses Hare Spray...

(Ill see myself out)

Poor little Rabbit

A vegan is driving his Escalade down the highway and as he turns a corner he spots a rabbit run out in front of him. He locks up the brakes and skids side to side, desperately tries to not run over the rabbit. The rabbit takes a couple hops to the left and SPLAT! The front right tire flattens the ...

Q: Have You Ever Eaten Rabbit?

A: No, but I once found a hare in my soup.

Race jokes are NEVER okay!

Unless it's between a tortoise and a hare. :)

A joke from my dad

A balding man said to his wife
"I've bought several rabbits for the garden"
Why?
"Well from a distance it'll look like I have lots of hare"

I saw a man with a several rabbits on his head today...

When I inquired as to why he had rabbits on his head, he simply stated "From a distance they look like hares"

What do you call it when a rabbit tactfully jumps in front of a line?

A nice hare cut

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Little Johnny lost his eye in a tragic accident

But being from a very poor family, he was unable to get a glass replacement. Instead, he was fitted with a wooden eye, which ruined what there was of his high school social life. No one would talk to him, and he had no friends. Finally senior year rolled around, and he found himself alone in the ...

A man was balding very quickly

But he did not want to get a hair transplant nor did he want to take some odd medicine for it. So he decided to tattoo a rabbit on his scalp instead.

A friend of the man asked: "Why would you tattoo a rabbit on your head?"

The man answered: "Because from a distance it looks like hare...

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