The Tortoise challenged the Hare

The Tortoise said “race you home!”

The Hare began sprinting. The Tortoise retracted into his shell.

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A long time ago, a bear and a hare were fighting in the forest...

Suddenly a magic frog appeared and begged them to stop fighting. In return, the magic frog would grant the bear and the hare three wishes each. The bear and the hare agreed to the terms.

The bear started immediately: "I wish, I wish that all the bears in this forest, except me, will become fe...

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A bear and a hare suddenly found a genie in the forest

The genie says: "Ok, guys, since there are two of you and I'm feeling a bit generous, I grant each of you three wishes. Ask me anything!"
The bear asks in disbelief: "You really can grant any wish? Like anything I want?"
"Sure", the genie says
"The I want all the male bears in this whole fo...

A man was going bald, so he got rabbits tattooed on to his head.

From a distance they looked like hares.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare-line.

Why did the Man send back his rabbit stew?

Because there was a hare in it

I remember when I divorced my wife...

.. she insisted on dividing everything up fifty-fifty. She took half the dishes; I took half the dishes. She took half the furniture; I took half the furniture. I mean, right down to the pets. She wanted half the cats; I got half the cats. She wanted half the fish; I got half the fish. She even wa...

What do you call two thousand rabbits running in reverse?

A receding hare line.

What do you call a prince rabbit?

The "hare" to the throne

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What's the difference between a hare and a rabbit?

You can pull a hare out your arse but you can't pull a rabbit.

A boy came to a restaurant with his dad

Waiter: What would you like to order?

Dad: I'll have the rabbit stew.

Waiter: Ok. Only if you promise not to say ''Waiter, there's a hare in my stew'' after I bring it to you

Dad:

Waiter:

Dad: I'll have the chicken

The hare and the tortoise

The hare and the tortoise were having a rematch. This time, they decided to race through Europe, starting with London. The plan was to race to Dover, get the ferry across, and go along the French coast, across Belgium, Germany, and head north through Denmark.

The hare figured that his fur wo...

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A hare is running around the forest...

Runs, runs, and suddenly he sees a fox, smoking weed. So he stops, and says: "Hey, fox, stop smoking this shit, drugs are bad! Do something for your health instead, come run with with me!" The fox thinks about it for a second, then puts out the joint and comes running with the hare.

The run, ...

Hare-lip joke my mother told me a long time ago.

A woman with a cleft lip was sitting by herself at a dance club. She absolutey loved to dance, but was also extremely self-conscious about her appearance. After an hour or so of no one even smiling at her, she was about to leave. A gentleman at the bar noticed the woman and was instantly taken by he...

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A small hare walks into Mr. Bear's Forest Grocery Store...

"Hey, Bear," he says, "Got any rotten carrots?"

"No, Hare," the bear responds. "I only have sweet fresh carrots. Do you want some?"

The hare shakes his head and walks out. The next mornings he walks in again.

"Hey, Bear, got any rotten carrots?"

"No," the bear says, "I've...

How do you know when you’re eating rabbit stew?

When you find a hare in it.

I ordered rabbit stew at a pub the other day...

The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away.

I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."

In the classic story of the tortoise and the hare, what was the tortoise's name?

Winslow.

If you ever need to look like you have a beard, glue a rabbit to your face.

And presto-chango, facial hare!

A hare, turtle, and a centipede ran out of beer at a party..

Wanting to keep the party alive the tortoise hands the hare 50 dollars and says, "Here, take this to the store and buy more booze." "Wait! The hare is way too drunk to go to the store." The centipede said. The tortoise says, "I'm not gonna waste anymore time! I will go." The centipede stops the tort...

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Oprah Winfrey was busted by TSA at O'Hare airport today with 40 pounds of crack.

They let her go because it just turned out to be her vagina.

My friend always has the most ridiculous stories. Yesterday he called me and said he had his hand up a rabbit.

I said, "Get out of hare?!"

Why can’t bald people eat rabbits?

They don’t have hare.

I was balding and losing confidence so I had a rabbit tattooed on my scalp.

People tell me, from a distance it looks like hare.

A hare, a fox, and a bear have to get their physical exam for the military draft

However, they all don't want to join the army.

The hare is called first by the doctor. So he says to his friends: "I really don't want to join the army, we have think of something, quick!" They all think for a moment, then the bear suggests: "What if we cut off you ears; a hare without its ea...

Where does a rabbit go for a trim?

To the hare dresser.

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The Tale Of Hare & Tortoise

Once there was a hare and a tortoise. Hare used to make fun of the tortoise about his speed. After getting fed up of all the remarks of hare, tortoise proposed a bet to race to finally conclude who is faster. Hare being confident in himself agreed to the bet. They both started the race from the agre...

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Man and the hare

A man is driving in his car down a long road, by a field. Suddenly, a hare jumps out, and without being able to swerve that quickly, he un-avoidably runs over the innocent creature. He immediately pulls over to see the done damage. So distressed that he has killed the hare, he begins to cry...
B...

I heard Walmart stores were so busy on Friday that they opened a second register!

Sounds like a picnic compared to O'hare Airport yesterday!

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What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common?

They both want to get there before the hare does.

What the... that rabbit is wearing a tuxedo.

Yeah, he’s probably coming from a hare dresser.

An Austrian joke: The hare, the fox and the bear receive their enlistment order

An Austrian joke I like very much:

The hare, the fox and the bear turn 18 and receive their enlistment order, but don't want to serve in the military. This was back when conscientious objection was not as easy as it is nowadays.

They meet in front of the barracks and think about what t...

Something about rabbit races creeps me out.

It's hare racing.

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A dog and a rabbit are in a bar having a few drinks when a drunk decides that he doesn't like their kind patronizing his establishment.

He goes over and voices his displeasure with them being in HIS bar.
Now now take it easy slim, says the rabbit ,if you can solve this riddle we will buy you all the drinks you can have for the night. Well he thinks about it for a minute and thinks, why not. Ok then but if you get it wrong my dog...

I tried rabbit stew for the first time today.

But I found a hare in my food

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Did ya here about that time Bambi went crazy and sat on Thumper?

He had a wild hare up his ass.

What kind of music do rabbits listen to?

Hare Metal

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My (American) grandfather's joke which I just shared with my (French) husband

There once was a snail named Sam who lived in a forest which had an interesting reputation; All the forest creatures would design elaborate vehicles and then race against each other every month. The snail loved to watch the races, and dreamed of participating one day.

However, everyone told t...

What do you call four hundred french rabbits turning around and running away from a fight?

A receding hare line.

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A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"

A hare responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".

The deer...

What is a rabbit's favorite drug?

Hare-oine!

My Mate was losing his hair and was really embarrassed by it.

I said to him don't worry mate i have a solution, intrigued and exited by this, he said what is the solution?: I said put Rabbits on your head. Is this a special cure he asked?

I said no, but from a distance they will look like Hares:

My friend and I can't agree on what his job title at the rabbit farm actually is, he calls himself a processor while I say he is a butcher...

... Either way, he is just splitting hares.

I won the prize for "Largest litter of rabbits!"

But only by a hare.

My pet rabbit was an enlightened thinker but was electrocuted.

Now, he's a Volt-Hare

Elephant Stew

## Ingredients

* 1 Elephant
* Brown gravy, and lots of it
* Salt and pepper to taste
* 2 Rabbits (optional)

## Directions

Cut elephant into small, bite-size pieces.

This should take about 2 months.



Add enough brown gravy to cover,

cook over...

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Why was the Mad Hatter acting a little queer?

He had a hare up his ass.

Did you hear the one about the angry magician?

He was so mad he pulled his hare out.

The Rabbit

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of t...

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Some Religious Truths

TAOISM: Shit happens

ZEN BUDDHISM: What is the sound of shit happening?

PROTESTANTISM: Let shit happen to someone else

ATHEISTS: Shit happens for no apparent reason

HARE KRISHNA: Shit happens/ Shit happens/ Happens, happens/ Shit happens

CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say...

How many animals can fit in one pair of pantyhose?

10 little piggies, two calves, one ass, one beaver, a few thousand hares, a camel's toes and the scent of a dead fish

Some of my favorites

Where do rabbits fly? Hare Force One.

What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.

What do you call a jacket that’s on fire? A blazer.

I have 3 eyes, 2 noses and 4 mouths. What am I? Ugly.

Why do golfers always have 2 pairs of pants? In case they get a hole-in-o...

I've opened up a barber shop for rabbits

I do hare cuts, only.

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The bear and the rabbit

A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods and find a lamp. After rubbing it, a genie appears and agrees to grant them both 3 wishes.

For his first wish, the bear says, "I wish all the female bears in this forrest find me irresistable and sexy" and the genie grants his wish. The rabbit...

There was once a party for the disabled...

There was once a party for the disabled. A man with a wooden eye sees a women with a hare lip and is instantly attracted. He approaches her and asks if she would like to dance. She enthusiastically replies “Would I! Would I!”.
So that man replies “Hare lip! Hare lip!”

I was driving through a Forrest and felt a small bump so

I stopped and pulled over to see what happened . I had ran over a hare. Suddenly a girl came over and sprayed something on the dead hare. It then jumped up ,ran a few feet then waved .It kept repeating this and I was shocked .i asked the girl what she sprayed on the hare.

She said it was inst...

I’m going to tattoo a row of rabbits running away on the top of my head.

That way if I go bald everyone can see my receding hare line.

I told my dad that I wanted to become a man. So he made me lie down on the ground, then he sprinkled grass and seeds on my pecs.

I said, "Why are you doing this?"
He said, "It will put hares on your chest."

I went out partying and drinking last night, and I forgot to feed my pet rabbit.

I really let my hare down.

What's the difference between greyhound racing and R Kelly..?

The greyhounds wait for the hare.

A guy passes a store selling cheap trinkets from around the world

A small figurine in the window catches his eye. It's a little rabbit with a mallet getting ready to hit some mochi. The man recognises this as the rabbit in the moon from the story and decides he really likes it. He goes inside and asks the sales clerk about the price.

Upon hearing the price,...

Road Kill

Driving along An English country road one night and what appeared to be A massive rabbit jumped out in front of the car and bang, I knocked it flying. I stopped the car and went to investigate what I'd hit. The animal was dead so i moved it to the side of the road. Another car pulled up and this guy...

My brother has been out of town for a month and I've had to take care of his pet rabbit the whole time.

Let me tell ya...it's been hare raising.

A father was telling his son a bedtime story

“Once upon a time , there was a tortoise and a hare. The hare was boastful and bragged that he was the fastest of all the creatures. The tortoise then decided to challenge the hare to a race. So the two set a course, and the race began. The hare ran as fast as he could.....”

“Sorry Dad, but I...

If I ever start to go bald

I'll get a rabbit tattooed onto my head..
From a distance it would look like a hare

I almost hit a rabbit on my way home last night.

Missed him by a hare.

When I was younger I tried breeding rabbits...

it was a hare-raising experience.

A Bunny Story..

Once upon a time there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunn...

Met a guy in a bar with a rabbit on his face. “What’s that?” I said..

“A facial hare” he replies

There is a wolf in the woods with a notebook.

(Translated from Russian)

There is a wolf in the woods with a notebook.

He approaches the squirrel.

"Squirrel, what are you doing tomorrow morning?"

-It seems nothing ...

"All right, then I'll write you down for breakfast." Come - I'll eat you!

Squirrel nods...

Where can you find flying rabbits?

In the hare force.

How did the rabbit know his wife was cheating on him?

He found multiple hares in his bed XD

A priest and a minister were golfing...

...when the minister swung and hit a rabbit with his shot. They both went up to the rabbit and saw that it was dead. Then the priest takes a small bottle out of his pocket and pours the contents onto the rabbit. Immediately the rabbit wakes up and hops away.

The minister says "Wow, I've neve...

Here is my original joke for you Reddit. Why did the Easter bunny decide to leave his wife?

He kept finding random hares in his bed.

I had to stop breeding rabbits...

I found it to be a hare raising experience.

How does the Easter Bunny keep his ears standing straight up?

He uses Hare Spray...

(Ill see myself out)

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The Dead Rabbit

A while back I was driving across the countryside on my home. I saw a sudden flash of brown from the side of the road and felt something hit the car. I pulled over and saw I had hit rabbit. It's little whiskers were twitching, and I could tell he wasn't going to make it. I was trying to think how to...

Two Bald Eagles

A bald eagle decides to stop by a small lake to get a drink. As he's drinking another bald eagle lands next to him.


He looks at the eagle and notices a tulip, a rose, and a rabbit's foot on top of his head.

"What's with the stuff on your head?", the eagle asks.

"Oh this?"...

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Poor little Rabbit

A vegan is driving his Escalade down the highway and as he turns a corner he spots a rabbit run out in front of him. He locks up the brakes and skids side to side, desperately tries to not run over the rabbit. The rabbit takes a couple hops to the left and SPLAT! The front right tire flattens the ...

How do rabbits stay cold in the summer?

Hare conditioning

Why did Donald Trump lock down the White House when the Easter Bunny was escaping?

because his hare is almost gone.

What do you get when you throw a rabbit at someone's head?

Facial Hare

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