UPJOKE
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The Horny Hare and The Bear

In a forest a deer is drowning, the Hare and the Bear jump into the lake and save the deer. The deer transforms into a fairy and gives both three wishes.

The Hare, who is a womanizer, wishes that all hares in the forest are female. The Hare begins to screw its way through the forest.
...

The Tortoise challenged the Hare

The Tortoise said โ€œrace you home!โ€

The Hare began sprinting. The Tortoise retracted into his shell.

A Wolf and a Hare are being drafted into the army.

The Hare goes in first to be tested. An officer shows him a pistol:

O: What's that?

H: I don't know.

O (showing him an assault rifle): What's that?

H: I don't know.

O (showing him a grenade): What's that?

H: I don't know.

O (showing him a brick): What...

"Tonight we're eating good" I said to my wife as I walked in the door, "I got us some Himalayan Hare."

"Now where did you get something like that?" She asked.
...
"Well," I explained, "I was walking down the road and I found Him-a-layin' right there!"

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A hare is running around the forest...

Runs, runs, and suddenly he sees a fox, smoking weed. So he stops, and says: "Hey, fox, stop smoking this shit, drugs are bad! Do something for your health instead, come run with with me!" The fox thinks about it for a second, then puts out the joint and comes running with the hare.

The run, ...

Why did the blonde make her password "BatmanRobinBatgirlJokerHarelyIvyOslo"?

Because the rules said it needed to contain at least 6 characters and include at least 1 capital!

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Whats the difference between a rabbit and a hare?

You cant pull a rabbit out of your ass.

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

A Fox and a Bear got bored one dayโ€ฆ

Fox: Bear, I'm bored.

Bear: Yeah, me too.

Fox: I've got an idea! We beat up the hare!

Bear: Yeah, great idea!

Fox: But we can't beat him up for nothing, we need
reason... I've got it: If he wears a cap, we tell him 'You have a stupid cap', and if he has no cap, we ...

i always thought it'd be fun to be a Hare Krishna

it's so unfortunate I never got the chants

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A bear and a hare suddenly found a genie in the forest

The genie says: "Ok, guys, since there are two of you and I'm feeling a bit generous, I grant each of you three wishes. Ask me anything!"
The bear asks in disbelief: "You really can grant any wish? Like anything I want?"
"Sure", the genie says
"The I want all the male bears in this whole fo...

Why did the bald guy get tattoos of rabbits on his head?

Because from a distance they look like hares

A hare, a fox, and a bear have to get their physical exam for the military draft

However, they all don't want to join the army.

The hare is called first by the doctor. So he says to his friends: "I really don't want to join the army, we have think of something, quick!" They all think for a moment, then the bear suggests: "What if we cut off you ears; a hare without its ea...

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A rabbit is running around the woods

When he encounters and elephant, who was just about to light a joint.

The rabbit yells: "No!! Are you seriously gonna throw your life away like that? Come run with me, that's way more healthy!!"

So the elephant starts running with the rabbit, they run through the woods until they enco...

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A small hare walks into Mr. Bear's Forest Grocery Store...

"Hey, Bear," he says, "Got any rotten carrots?"

"No, Hare," the bear responds. "I only have sweet fresh carrots. Do you want some?"

The hare shakes his head and walks out. The next mornings he walks in again.

"Hey, Bear, got any rotten carrots?"

"No," the bear says, "I've...

Why did the rabbit suspect his wife was cheating on him?

He kept finding different hares in his bed.

A hare, turtle, and a centipede ran out of beer at a party..

Wanting to keep the party alive the tortoise hands the hare 50 dollars and says, "Here, take this to the store and buy more booze." "Wait! The hare is way too drunk to go to the store." The centipede said. The tortoise says, "I'm not gonna waste anymore time! I will go." The centipede stops the tort...

Rabbit Dinner

I made up this one-liner at dinner the other night. I guarantee itโ€™s not original, but Iโ€™ve never heard it beforeโ€ฆ.True Story BTW

I was in Italy with my girlfriend visiting her parents and they had a rabbit for dinner. I looked at her mother and said there is a hare on your plate.

In the classic story of the tortoise and the hare, what was the tortoise's name?

Winslow.

Long joke

A man is driving down a highway, and he hits and kills a rabbit. He gets out of the car and walks over to the rabbit. He picks it up and starts crying, thinking heโ€™s a horrible person. Someone else driving down the highway stops and walks over to him, and asks, โ€œWhat happened?โ€ The man replies, โ€œI h...

What the... that rabbit is wearing a tuxedo.

Yeah, heโ€™s probably coming from a hare dresser.

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A long time ago, a bear and a hare were fighting in the forest...

Suddenly a magic frog appeared and begged them to stop fighting. In return, the magic frog would grant the bear and the hare three wishes each. The bear and the hare agreed to the terms.

The bear started immediately: "I wish, I wish that all the bears in this forest, except me, will become fe...

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A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"

A hare responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".

The deer...

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How Many Animals Can You Fit In a Pair of Pantyhose?

An Ass, a Pussy, two calves, ten piggies and god knows how many hares! I heard this joke from my aunt in the 70's. Wondered if it was well known.

Why is rabbit farming a terrifying profession?

Every day is a hare-raising experience.

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Tortoise and Rabbit. Antagonist view.

A different insight into the story of hare and tortoise:-

E๐’—๐’†๐’“๐’š๐’๐’๐’† ๐’•๐’‰๐’“๐’๐’–๐’ˆ๐’‰๐’๐’–๐’• ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’˜๐’๐’“๐’๐’… ๐’‰๐’‚๐’” ๐’Œ๐’†๐’‘๐’• ๐’ˆ๐’Š๐’—๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’†๐’™๐’‚๐’Ž๐’‘๐’๐’† ๐’๐’‡ ๐‘ป๐’๐’“๐’•๐’๐’Š๐’”๐’†โ€ฆ ๐‘บ๐’‚๐’š๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐’”๐’๐’๐’˜ ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’”๐’•๐’†๐’‚๐’…๐’š ๐’˜๐’Š๐’๐’” ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’“๐’‚๐’„๐’†, ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’†๐’Ž๐’‘๐’‰๐’‚๐’”๐’Š๐’›๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ...

An old Russian joke about recruitment

A wolf is going around in the forest talking to animals

โ€œBear, you are to come at 2pm to my lair to be eatenโ€
โ€œYes, wolfโ€

โ€œFox, you are to come at 2pm to my lair to be eatenโ€
โ€œYes, wolfโ€

โ€œHare, you are to come at 2pm to my lair to be eatenโ€
โ€œI donโ€™t want toโ€
โ€œVery we...

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The Tale Of Hare & Tortoise

Once there was a hare and a tortoise. Hare used to make fun of the tortoise about his speed. After getting fed up of all the remarks of hare, tortoise proposed a bet to race to finally conclude who is faster. Hare being confident in himself agreed to the bet. They both started the race from the agre...

Hare-lip joke my mother told me a long time ago.

A woman with a cleft lip was sitting by herself at a dance club. She absolutey loved to dance, but was also extremely self-conscious about her appearance. After an hour or so of no one even smiling at her, she was about to leave. A gentleman at the bar noticed the woman and was instantly taken by he...

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Beautiful redhead

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and thereโ€™s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. Heโ€™s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesnโ€™t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket tow...

I ordered rabbit stew at a pub the other day...

The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away.

I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."

What do you call the son of a German rabbit farmer?

Herr hare heir.

The Rabbit

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of t...

How do rabbits keep their pelts so clean?

They have hare supplies.

What do you call two rabbits in a fist fight?

Hare knuckle boxing.

I donโ€™t like eating rabbit

I always get hare stuck in my teeth

There's a guy in my neighbourhood who I used to think was really weird. I'd always see him out walking his rabbit. The rabbit was always in a different outfit. One day a frock. One day a skirt. One day a suit-jacket combo. Then it multiplied into a flock of rabbits, all wearing really niche clothes.

Eventually, curiosity got the better of me and I approached him and asked "excuse me sir, I can't help but notice your entourage of dapper rabbits. Can I ask what you do?"

He replied "Oh I'm a hare stylist."

What happens when a magician gets mad?

He pulls his hare out!

A guy finds his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in its mouth

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you h...

A bald magician pulled a rabbit out of a hat. Then he put the rabbit right on top of his head and gently lowered the hat down over the rabbit until the rabbit was completely covered. After a couple seconds of wearing the hat, the magician quickly lifted the hat back up, and presto!

there wasnโ€™t a hare on his head

I almost got run over by a giant bunny

I was really a hare away from death

I've never been through anything scarier than that time I tried to breed rabbits.

It was a hare-raising experience.

I met a rabbit chanting a mantra of peace and consciousness.

"*Hare* Krishna"

If I ever start to go bald

I'll get a rabbit tattooed onto my head..
From a distance it would look like a hare

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So my Chinese Zodiac is a rat, and I was conceived and born out of wedlock

I'm very much a Rat Bastard.

My best friend is a Hare for her Chinese Zodiac, and she was planned. โ€” She's clearly a hare-brained scheme.

Why was her name Jessica Rabbit?

Because of the RED HARE!

A man walks into a restaurant

The waitress asks what the man wants for lunch.

He replies: โ€œIโ€™ll have the rabbit stewโ€

Waitress: โ€œItโ€™ll be right outโ€

21 minutes laterโ€ฆ

Waitress: โ€œHereโ€™s your foodโ€

Man: โ€œsorry but I think there is a hare in my soupโ€

A father was telling his son a bedtime story

โ€œOnce upon a time , there was a tortoise and a hare. The hare was boastful and bragged that he was the fastest of all the creatures. The tortoise then decided to challenge the hare to a race. So the two set a course, and the race began. The hare ran as fast as he could.....โ€

โ€œSorry Dad, but I...

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?

Hare spray.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Bought my depressed mate a rabbit for his birthday and he was NOT happy.

He was like โ€œWhy the fuck did you buy me a rabbit? What the hell am I going to do with this?โ€

I was shocked. I was convinced it would cheer him up.

I replied. โ€œWell, I know you can never truly replace old pets, but your girlfriend said youโ€™d been down ever since you lost your hareโ€

Rabbit Stew

A man walks in to a restaurant and orders the rabbit stew. He takes one sip, then abruptly spits it out. He yells out, "waiter, there is a hare in my stew!"

What do you call a rabbit that's raised indoors?

An in-grown hare!:)

I was driving through a Forrest and felt a small bump so

I stopped and pulled over to see what happened . I had ran over a hare. Suddenly a girl came over and sprayed something on the dead hare. It then jumped up ,ran a few feet then waved .It kept repeating this and I was shocked .i asked the girl what she sprayed on the hare.

She said it was inst...

There was once a party for the disabled...

There was once a party for the disabled. A man with a wooden eye sees a women with a hare lip and is instantly attracted. He approaches her and asks if she would like to dance. She enthusiastically replies โ€œWould I! Would I!โ€.
So that man replies โ€œHare lip! Hare lip!โ€

A rabbit goes into a hairdresser looking for his friend..

but leaves disappointed as surprisingly, there isn't a hare to be seen.

I remember when I divorced my wife...

.. she insisted on dividing everything up fifty-fifty. She took half the dishes; I took half the dishes. She took half the furniture; I took half the furniture. I mean, right down to the pets. She wanted half the cats; I got half the cats. She wanted half the fish; I got half the fish. She even wa...

A boy came to a restaurant with his dad

Waiter: What would you like to order?

Dad: I'll have the rabbit stew.

Waiter: Ok. Only if you promise not to say ''Waiter, there's a hare in my stew'' after I bring it to you

Dad:

Waiter:

Dad: I'll have the chicken

Did you hear about the magician who got angry?

He pulled out his hare.

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My cat's best friend was a rabbit, but the rabbit passed away today....

...now I have a hare-less pussy!

But seriously, RIP Carrots.

If you ever need to look like you have a beard, glue a rabbit to your face.

And presto-chango, facial hare!

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Why did the priest dig a rabbit hole for the rooster?

So he can stick his cock in before the first hare

How do you know when youโ€™re eating rabbit stew?

When you find a hare in it.

I was balding and losing confidence so I had a rabbit tattooed on my scalp.

People tell me, from a distance it looks like hare.

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Little Johnny lost his eye in a tragic accident

But being from a very poor family, he was unable to get a glass replacement. Instead, he was fitted with a wooden eye, which ruined what there was of his high school social life. No one would talk to him, and he had no friends. Finally senior year rolled around, and he found himself alone in the ...

Did you hear the story about the rabbit's childhood?

It's a hare-raising tale!

What do you call four hundred french rabbits turning around and running away from a fight?

A receding hare line.

Why canโ€™t bald people eat rabbits?

They donโ€™t have hare.

Two subjects of an animal loving king are having a conversation

One says, โ€œHave you gotten the news? Did you see the kingโ€™s hare died?โ€

โ€œNo way!โ€ exclaims the other.


โ€œWhat color?โ€

How does the Easter Bunny travel?

By hare plane.

What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare-line.

Hat tip to whoever posted the previous hair-themed rabbit joke.

My friend always has the most ridiculous stories. Yesterday he called me and said he had his hand up a rabbit.

I said, "Get out of hare?!"

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Why was the Mad Hatter acting a little queer?

He had a hare up his ass.

There is a wolf in the woods with a notebook.

(Translated from Russian)

There is a wolf in the woods with a notebook.

He approaches the squirrel.

"Squirrel, what are you doing tomorrow morning?"

-It seems nothing ...

"All right, then I'll write you down for breakfast." Come - I'll eat you!

Squirrel nods...

What is a rabbit's favorite drug?

Hare-oine!

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What does a pedophile and a tortoise have in common?

They both want to get there before the hare.

I tried rabbit stew for the first time today.

But I found a hare in my food

Something about rabbit races creeps me out.

It's hare racing.

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Did ya here about that time Bambi went crazy and sat on Thumper?

He had a wild hare up his ass.

I won the prize for "Largest litter of rabbits!"

But only by a hare.

I've opened up a barber shop for rabbits

I do hare cuts, only.

I went out partying and drinking last night, and I forgot to feed my pet rabbit.

I really let my hare down.

My pet rabbit was an enlightened thinker but was electrocuted.

Now, he's a Volt-Hare

I almost hit a rabbit on my way home last night.

Missed him by a hare.

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