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Squirrels Jokes

Squirrels and Religion

Squirrels and Religion

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.



At...

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry

Squirrels ww

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church.

The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The hardware store humanely trapped the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you guys know that squirrels die after sex?

It's kind of a pain, you have to find a new one every time.

Cigarettes are like Squirrels...

They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire

What's a Squirrels favorite seasoning?

Nutmeg.

What time of the year do most squirrels die?

No nut November

What’s a squirrels favorite tool

A nutcracker

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My best Catholic joke (as told by my priest)

A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressive...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

How large is a squirrels home?

Approximately 4 squirrel feet

One day a truck driver had a truck full of squirrels. A police officer said," Sir, I’m going to need you to take these squirrels to the zoo."

The driver did so and left. The next day the driver was back but this time the squirrels were wearing sunglasses. The officer said," I thought I told you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver said," I did. Today I’m taking them to the beach."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do squirrels live in trees?

Because they’re fucking nuts!

The squirrels of Buckingham Palace. (The elusive thing known as a new joke)

A solider was standing guard at Buckingham Palace when his commanding officer came storming over.

‘JONES! Did I see you flinch?’

‘Yes Sir!’

‘Why did you flinch Jones?’

‘Well you see Sir, a squirrel come running out of tha’ tree over there, ran across the field, ran up m...

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Why're squirrels the horniest animals in the animal kingdom

Because they're always looking for their next nut.

A man was arrested today for feeding the squirrels

A man was arrested today for feeding the squirrels in the park.


He was feeding them to his dog.

Why unemployed squirrels go to mental hospital?

Because that's where all the nutjobs are.

Why did the police arrest the squirrels in the park?

- For busting a nut in public view

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Squirrels GO Camping

They set up a tiny tent and make a tiny campfire. Then, one squirrel pulls out a frying pan and begins to pan fry some twigs. The other squirrel snatches it from his hand and says,

"Are you NUTS?!? This is a non-stick pan!"

I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height…

Apparently, they didn’t like my critter sizing.

Dang squirrels

There once was a town that was infested with squirrels. They were everywhere and got into everything. The people of the town hated it especially the miller, the blacksmith, and the priest.

One day the miller decides that enough is enough and lays out some poisoned four to kill the stupid thi...

Squirrels have a habit of storing food in the winter

Isn't that nuts?

Squirrels are like cigarettes.

I used to not be able to get near them. But putting them in my mouth and lighting them on fire is still where I draw the line.

3 Churches and a Whole Lot of Squirrels

There once was a small town that was swarmed by wild squirrels. The Squirrels made their home in the town's three churches.

The church leaders all made efforts to remove the squirrels. At the end of the year, all three church leaders met up to compare their results.

The First church ...

Three squirrels were sitting on animal hides...

The first squirrel was sitting on a rabbit hide and weighed one pound. The second squirrel was sitting on a wolf hide and weighed two pounds. And the third squirrel was sitting on a hippopotamus hide and weighed three pounds. This proves that the squirrel on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of t...

Squirrels in the attic

As told to me by a patient today:

A small church out in the country developed a problem when squirrels moved into the attic. They were chewing holes in the insulation and building nests, rotting the soffits and making a lot of noise and generally being a nuisance. The people didn't quite kn...

What’s a squirrels favorite way to watch TV?

Nut-flix!

A joke my 8 y/o daughter made up this morning. Thought it was pretty good!

The best thing about knitting squirrels is that their nuts about cuneiform

You can even pay them in peanuts until they unionize and start demanding pistachios

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Jane asks Tarzan if he knows what Sex is...

He asks, "what sex?". So she explains the mechanics and asks if he's ever done that. Tarzan says, "yes, with hole in tree".

Jane says, "no, no, no, this is where you're supposed to do it", and lays down on the ground with her legs spread open, gesturing Tarzan to mount her.

So Tarzan...

What's the difference between squirrels and alcoholism?

Squirrels aren't tearing my family apart.

What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?

Forget-me-nuts.

I went to the park and began feeding the squirrels . I instinctively fed the smallest and skinniest before the others.

The rangers kicked me out!
Said I was Crittersizing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

There was a man who owned two pet squirrels...

The two squirrels were the best of buds. One day, the man lets them outside to play and they both accidentally chase each other to the road where they get ran over.

He loved these guys so much, he decides to take them to a taxidermist so he can remember them forever.

The taxidermist ...

How many squirrels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. No matter how hard you try, you will NEVER get them to screw in that lightbulb. You will drive yourself nuts trying.

If squirrels could tell jokes, they'd be quick and to the point

Because they'd be in a nut shell

Tried to get on the plane with 3 dead squirrels...

... Apparently I'm only allowed two pieces of carrion.

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