Why do squirrels swim on their backs..

To keep their nuts dry

What's a Squirrels favorite seasoning?

Nutmeg.

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Did you guys know that squirrels die after sex?

It's kind of a pain, you have to find a new one every time.

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

Several churches started having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had ...

I went to the park and began feeding the squirrels . I instinctively fed the smallest and skinniest before the others.

The rangers kicked me out!
Said I was Crittersizing

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Why're squirrels the horniest animals in the animal kingdom

Because they're always looking for their next nut.

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Why do squirrels live in trees?

Because they’re fucking nuts!

I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height…

Apparently, they didn’t like my critter sizing.

What is squirrels's least favourite month?

November

HELP!! Squirrels are chasing me!

They think I’m nuts!

The squirrels of Buckingham Palace. (The elusive thing known as a new joke)

A solider was standing guard at Buckingham Palace when his commanding officer came storming over.

‘JONES! Did I see you flinch?’

‘Yes Sir!’

‘Why did you flinch Jones?’

‘Well you see Sir, a squirrel come running out of tha’ tree over there, ran across the field, ran up m...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

Why did the police arrest the squirrels in the park?

- For busting a nut in public view

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When the 16 years old daughter comes home high as fuck...

...and crushes in the couch next to her father, and smells like good weed, the father becomes suspicious and looks in her eyes, not knowing what to say, he asks her:

Ahmmm mm what did you do all day, the squirrels told me you smoked weed, is it true??

The daughter answers: aaa mmm yeah...

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Jane is on her honeymoon with Tarzan.

He lays stiff in bed awkwardly staring at the roof of the treehouse. "Have you ever had sex?" She asks, he stands up and points out the window, "when Tarzan horny, Tarzan poke hole in tree."

She walks over to him and says "Just do the same, pretend i'm the tree." He nods, and swiftly kicks he...

How large is a squirrels home?

Approximately 4 squirrel feet

How do you catch squirrels?

Climb up a tree and pretend you're nuts.

The forest animals were concerned that their habitat was being destroyed by logging, so they consulted the oldest wisest tree in the middle of the forest to ask what they could do to save it.

The wise old tree thought about it and said "Perhaps the bears can scare the loggers away.” The bears snarled and charged the loggers to scare them.

It worked initially, but then the loggers hired hunters and soon there were no bears left to scare anyone.

The logging resumed and the fo...

Squirrels have a habit of storing food in the winter

Isn't that nuts?

Why unemployed squirrels go to mental hospital?

Because that's where all the nutjobs are.

A man takes a trip to Europe

There's this guy, you see! He takes a trip to Europe.
It's his first vacation in a long time.
He sees the sights, you know?
He has a real good time.
Anyway, after a while he decides to call home.
He get his brother on the phone and the guy says to his brother:
"How's ev...

The best thing about knitting squirrels is that their nuts about cuneiform

You can even pay them in peanuts until they unionize and start demanding pistachios

Noah! Noah! The Unicorns are playing with the dragon eggs and won’t get on the ark!

Noah, “come help me with these squirrels, we’ll get to them later.”

A man was arrested today for feeding the squirrels

A man was arrested today for feeding the squirrels in the park.


He was feeding them to his dog.

Cigarettes are like squirrels.

Theyre perfectly harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.

A little old lady would feed two squirrels in her backyard everyday. One morning the old lady goes out to feed them and finds them dead. She decides she can't live without them and takes them to a taxidermist. She asks to have them stuffed. The taxidermist asked if she wanted them mounted...

"No!" She said. "Holding hands will be just fine."

A joke my 9 yr old told at a BBQ we had over the weekend. He brought down the house.

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry!

What’s a squirrels favorite way to watch TV?

Nut-flix!

A joke my 8 y/o daughter made up this morning. Thought it was pretty good!

There was a man who owned two pet squirrels...

The two squirrels were the best of buds. One day, the man lets them outside to play and they both accidentally chase each other to the road where they get ran over.

He loved these guys so much, he decides to take them to a taxidermist so he can remember them forever.

The taxidermist ...

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The Woman and the Gorilla

A woman once rescued a baby Gorilla from poachers. She was later surprised to find that it could talk. The woman fed it bathed it and raised it. Years passed and the Gorilla grew up to be big and strong. One day the woman saw the gorilla ramming its cock into a tree hollow. Seeing the size of its co...

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Two Squirrels GO Camping

They set up a tiny tent and make a tiny campfire. Then, one squirrel pulls out a frying pan and begins to pan fry some twigs. The other squirrel snatches it from his hand and says,

"Are you NUTS?!? This is a non-stick pan!"

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Two squirrels were hanging, one of them was humping a walnut like there was no tomorrow. "Are you fucking crazy?" asked the first squirrel

"No... I'm fucking nuts!"

Three squirrels were sitting on animal hides...

The first squirrel was sitting on a rabbit hide and weighed one pound. The second squirrel was sitting on a wolf hide and weighed two pounds. And the third squirrel was sitting on a hippopotamus hide and weighed three pounds. This proves that the squirrel on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of t...

If squirrels could tell jokes, they'd be quick and to the point

Because they'd be in a nut shell

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