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The son told his mom: "I don't want to go to school today. The kids tease me, the teachers hate me."

"But Michael, you must be in school. You're the principal!"

I have a bunch of elderly relatives that used to love to tease me at weddings by saying stuff like: "Oh, you'll be next, you'll be next!"

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

My wife teases me with ice cream bc she knows I’m lactose intolerant.

She really milks it too.

A blonde is tired of being teased, so she dies her hair brown and moves to the countryside...

A blonde is tired of being teased, so she dyes her hair brown and moves to the countryside. As she’s driving home one day she spots a farmer leaning on a fence chewing a piece of straw.

“Ha, I’m going to put one over on that dumb farmer!”, she says to herself, pulling over.

“Greetings,...

This year’s Tease & Denial Convention will be held virtually

Attendees will be told not to come

This girl told me she liked to be teased in the bedroom

So we laid down and I said her glasses looked stupid and she starts crying. Can someone explain what I did wrong?

NSFW Guy is in the front row at the strip club.

NSFW

He’s quietly drinking and tipping the dancers when a particularly beautiful girl comes out and begins a sensual strip tease. The guy behind him immediately starts whooping and calling out, “yeah baby! take it off! Take it off!! woo hoo!”

As she gets completely naked and leaves the...

A local law enforcement officer stops a car

for traveling faster than the speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day, he decides to give the poor guy a break and give him a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

“Fred,” he replies.

“Fred what?” the officer asks.

“Just Fred,” the man responds....

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Hans has a small Dick

(Long)

Hans lived in a small town and has a small dick. Everyone knew about it, the girls snickered behind his back, the guys used to tease him endlessly. He tried all the remedies to make his dick big and failed.

Dejected, he visited his local night club one day and saw his friend Pet...

The Seagull and The Octopus

There once was a seagull with sore feet. He had been perching on a seaside railing all day and was starting to get blisters. He had tried going swimming, but the salt water seemed to irritate them and make them worse. He had tried flying, but he soon got so tired that he had to stop. He was in agony...

Who's a Weeb's favorite philosopher?

Sakura Tease

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Alex? Do you think you’ll be next?”

We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

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I was teased about my penis size almost every day of elementary school.

I got called names like teeny weenie, micro dong, and pickled pecker.

If it weren't for that, being home-schooled wouldn't have been so bad.

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I poked fun at a huge rooster today.

It was a giant cock tease.

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A man and his girlfriend are driving down the road.

A man and his girlfriend are driving down the road. The woman decides to tease him and begins to remove her clothes. The man becomes distracted and loses control of the car, eventually hitting a tree. The car becomes a tangled wreck, and the only thing that is thrown from the car are the girlfriend ...

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A man notices his wife's butt is getting big

I bet your butt is as big as my grill."

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure,
measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases
her that they're about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. "Not
tonight," says his wife.

He asks ...

The story behind Carl's Jr and Hardee's

You know how Carl's Jr and Hardee's are essentially the same restaurant? That's because Carl and Hardee are brothers. But Hardee is an awful name for a person -- and his brother teased him relentlessly for it -- so they started out with only Carl's Jr chains. Eventually, Hardee wanted to open his ow...

I like to tease my plants...

When I water them I use ice cubes.

I once went at a strip-tease club and entered a door with "women" written on it

Sadly there were only toilets

Why shouldn't you tease a fat girl with a lisp?

She's probably thick and tired of it.

My girlfriend: Oh baby I want you to tease me.

Me: Plays three seconds of the SpongeBob Sweet Victory clip.

My Girlfriend: Oooh you dirty tease!

A dwarf ant was complaining her mother about how her friends tease her for being short.

Her mom said, "Be tolerant."

I went on a date with a small carp once. Bit of a tease, kept acting shy.

She was a little koi.

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits fo their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

I like to tease my friend Luke

One time I gave him 2 forks when he asked for a spoon to have his cereal with. He said "Can I have a spoon?" I said "Luke, use the forks".

I told my friends that I'm going for a date with a gorgeous girl, and they teased me that she's imaginary.

Joke's on them, they are too.

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A Drive in the Country

A man and a woman meet at a bar and are having a great time. The woman says, "I know a place a few miles outside of the city where we can get loud and crazy.

They get in his car and drive about 10 miles. The woman teases his cock the whole time he is driving. When they arrive the woman says,...

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her...

So i said “Ok fatty”

I got teased by my friends, because they thought my girlfriend was imaginary

Jokes on them - they are too.

A blonde from the city is tired of being teased.

She just can't take the blonde jokes anymore.
So, she dyes her hair red and moves to the country.

She is sitting along a country road looking at a field full of sheep.

She counts all the sheep and comes up with an idea to get a sheep of her own.

She drives to the farm house...

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Twin jokes

I used to date an identical twin in college. The best part of it was that there were pretty much two of them due to the fact they looked exactly alike. My friends and family would joke and tease me all the time about how I can tell either of them apart. Never mind the beauty of my girlfriend at the ...

Little Jonny and Little Susie are classmates.

Walking home from school, Jonny passed by Cindy's house. Cindy was playing in her yard with her dolls, and like any 10 year old boy, he wanted to tease Cindy. So he walked by and said Cindy, see this ball, this is a boys football you can't have it. With that Cindy went into crying to her mother. Her...

Spent all night being teased by Medusa.

Now I'm hard as a rock.

Mr Snail was always being teased by the insects

for being so slow. Eventually, he just couldn't take it anymore and went to the nearest car dealership.

"I want the fastest sports car you have," he told the salesman, "and make sure to paint a huge 'S' on it, so everyone will know its Mr Snail's car!"

So now, every time Mr Snail driv...

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Joe Shitface

Joe Shitface wasn't too happy with his name. All the people around him teased him about it. He couldn't even get a wife because of it. So Joe went to see a judge to have it changed. "Your honor, I can't live like this, I need to change my name". The judge looks at Joe puzzled and asks, "What is your...

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a phone call from a gorgeous ex

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who, this morning, called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in m...

Lady teasing Gorilla at the Zoo...

A man and his wife are at the zoo. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla. Noticing her, the gorilla starts bouncing around his cage. He jumps up on the bars and, holding on with one hand, grunts and pounds his chest.

The husband, finding this ...

A boy's wishes started coming true

There was a boy who was scolded by his teacher everyday and one day he said to himself, "I wish the stupid man gets run over" and sure enough the next day, news come of the death of his former teacher. The next day he was teased by his older sister so he said again, "I wish she breaks her arm" and s...

What's the difference between a tease, a love, and a lust?

Spit, swallow, gargle.

What's what?

A very innocent young couple had spent a number of months courting very chastely indeed, not least because they had only the haziest idea of what being unchaste even involved. So at the wedding reception both he and she were being taken aside by their friends and told "Hey! You'll get what's what al...

My wife accidentally ordered way too many chicken strips for lunch

She was quite upset about, as she hates wasting food. My daughter I were quite happy to have some tasty junk food for dinner though. I said to my wife "We could do this again, I don't mind eating KFC. I hope this wasn't just a strip tease!"

Ever since I got my left leg amputated, every girl has been avoiding me.

I got into a car accident a few years back and had my left leg amputated. Getting used to balancing myself on 1 leg and crutches took a lot of time. I felt that without my precious left leg, i would never be the same.

My confidence dropped severely, and the passion i had for all the things i ...

In an alternate reality where fences are females and posts are male...

A teenage post teases that his friend is taking another post to prom. The friend says, "Hey! I take a fence to that!"

The Swing Bar

Jim's friends take him to a bar he hadn't been to before then. It was like any other joint, minus the oddly cheap booze, and the group of people huddled in the corner.

Jim asks the bartender what they're doing, and he explains that they're having a "swing".

Jim and his friends venture...

A girl named Darling had a particularly rough childhood because of her uncommon name.

Darling always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, after she had grown up and was married, she realized that the teasing actually made her stronger, and that having a unique name was actually a good thing.

So, when her first child was born, she talked her husband into naming...

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is using a single feather to tease and titillate

Kinky is using the whole damn chicken

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So I recently got engaged, and used to visit my future in-laws' house quite frequently...

My fiance had a step sister, who used to tease me a lot. She used to stared at me across the dining table, used to bend down while wearing a skirt, etc.

A couple of days before the wedding, she called me at the house to help her make the invitation cards. When I arrived, there was no one at t...

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A man walks into a bank

He walked to a window and saw a pretty woman on the other side and decided to tease her.

Woman: how can I help you today?

Man: I would like to open an account.

Woman: of course, it shouldn't take long at all. Would it be checking or savings?

Man: Checking.

Woman: T...

What did the necrophiliac say to the opossum?

You're such a tease.

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A guy who used to work for me said he and his wife could pick me up at my house so we could drive to an office party together.

About an hour before they were supposed to arrive I got a text from him.

*Love - what are you wearing? Would you like me to bring you a dress?*

I read it twice before realizing he obviously meant to send it to his wife and not to me.

He was mortified.

I would not have tea...

I misplaced something at the office. A nice man in a turban helped me locate it. I guess it's true what they say.

Sikh and you shall find.

(edit: same man teased me about the pronunciation. It was good natured, but it was still a Sikh burn)

(also a comma)

A man named Odd

There once was a man named Odd. Throughout his life people would tease him about his name, and so in his will he left instructions that his tombstone should have no name on it; at least in death he would have some peace.

The man eventually did die, and his survivors honored his wishes. And wh...

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HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to,...

A little boy called Harry hangs out at the local shop.

The shop owner doesnt know why, but the other boys tease him. They say hes slow and to prove it they always give him the choice between a 5$ note and a 1$ note. He always takes the 1$ note because he likes the look more. The owner asks him one day why he always takes the 1$ to which he simply respon...

An old man is lying on his deathbed.

Slipping peacefully away, he is half-aware of one sense after another fading, his sight growing dim, a blessed silence falling... and then something half-forgotten teases at his nose and he twitches as it registers. It's a delicious savoury scent wafting up the stairs - his wife's wonderful cheese s...

What do you call a Greek philosopher who plays hard to get?

A socra-tease

Made this one up myself. I'll be here all week

A kid has a pear-shaped head

The poor kid is feeling down because everyone at school teases him about his pear-shaped head. One day he can no longer take the teasing and says to the kids teasing him, "I can't help having a pear-shaped head, my mom ate a pear when she was pregnant with me."
"That's not how it works," one of t...

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I like my sex life like I like my Jake Paul videos

A little tease in the beginning and 10 minutes of whole nothing.

A woman had quintuplets.

Not being a creative type, she named them after her various senses. As the children grew up, they maintained a good relationship; very few other people wouldn't tease them about their names. Naturally, the children excelled in different areas; Touch, for example, was great at History, and Sight was ...

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