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Weasel Jokes

A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar...

A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel.

"Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer."

"Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?"

"Can't and will not serve to anyone under age....

What’s the difference between weasel and a stoat?

A weasel is weaselly recognised but a stoat is stoatally different.

I often confuse weasels, polecats, stoats and ferrets

It turns out that they're just not very good at riddles.

A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

What is a weasels favourite drink?

Pop!

How do you tell the difference between a weasel and a stoat?

Well, ones weasel-y identifiable, and the other one's stoat-ally different!

An underage weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry. I can't serve underage weasels."

The weasel says, "That's fine. I don't need something alcoholic. What else do you have?"

The bartender says "Oh, we have lots! We have water, pop, tea, coffee, smoothies. What would you like?"

"Pop," goes the wease...

What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?

An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.

A weasel walks into a bar...

...and asks for a bottle of water.

The clerk at the counter says, "We don't have water. Would you like anything else?"

The weasel looks around, and spots the nearest case of drinks.

"I'll have a pop," goes the weasel.

A weasel walks into a bar...

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender is stunned.
“Wow I’ve never seen a weasel in my bar before!” exclaims the bartender. “What kind of alcohol would you like?”
The weasel looks over the menu and shakes his head.
The bartender says, “Okay no booze. Is there anything I can get for you...

A fox, a wolf and a weasel all go to a restaurant.

The waitress comes over and asks what they want to drink.
"Water" says the Fox,
"Coffee" growls the Wolf,
And "Pop!" Goes the Weasel!

What do you get when you cross a weasel with a whale?

A reprimand from the Scientific Ethics and Integrity Committee and an immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.

Eagles may soar...

But weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[GOD INVENTING THE WEASEL] You know what we need?

An otter you can't fucking trust.

After a long day at work, a weasel stopped at his local pub for a drink...

As he steps up to the bar, the bartender greeted him: “Well, how are you today, sir?”

“Tired”, says the weasel. “Oh, you need a whiskey, then.”

“No, thank you” replies the weasel. “Weasels don’t drink believe in drinking alcohol.”

“Well, you’re at a bar son. What do weasels drin...

What did Donald Trump say to the sickly weasel that somehow got loose in the Oval Office?

Damn, next time I'll have to use more glue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, Mr Rabbit is going for a run through the woods. . .

. . . When he comes upon a clearing with a weasel about to light a joint in it. "Oh Mr. Weasel, that's not good. You should come running with me! It's MUCH more fun!" Said Mr. Rabbit. The weasel takes one last look at the joint, and says "Eh, screw it", throws it away, and goes running with Mr. Rabb...

A monkey and a weasel go to a bar in California

The monkey sits down at the bar and orders a beer. He gestures at the weasel and says, "he's driving though, so no beer for him." The bartender turns to the weasel and says, "alright, what'll you have?"

"Soda," goes the weasel.

A weasel walks into a gas station with a ski mask and a gun, demanding that the cashier puts everything in a bag for him. The cashier says “wow! A weasel!! I’ve never seen one in real life before!”

*pop goes the weasel

Remember: eagles may soar above the rest.

But a weasel hasn’t been sucked into a jet engine yet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just bought one of those Eco friendly cars, it runs on raccoon piss.

My wife borrowed it,

stupid Woman filled it with Weasel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once had a car that ran on Raccoon piss.

My stupid wife filled it up with Weasel.

My friend offered to let me rent 2 of his ermines.

He is now the lessor of two weasels.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The kinky jungle king orders fellow animals to an orgy party. (NSFW)

The kinky jungle king addressed his animal kingdom “Tomorrow is our annual sex orgy party. Participation is mandatory and I trust each one of you to make it hot if you want to survive under my rule.”

The kickoff of the much anticipated party finally arrived. The lion started his inspection wa...

Two guys are enjoying a few drinks at a bar

Two guys are enjoying a few drinks at a bar. One starts to insult the other one. He screams: - “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells: - “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says: - “Go home dad you’re dr...

Triplets talking about what they want to be when they grow up

3 unborn babies are in their mothers womb talking about what they want to be when they grow up. The first one says "I'll be a plumber so I can fix this leak in here." The second says "I'll be an electrician so I can get some lighting in here." The third one says "I want to be a hunter so the next ti...

An American, an Indian and a Greek go to hell...

An american, an indian and a greek find themselves in hell. Satan reveals himself and tells them "you are all condemned to spend your eternity in hell. HOWEVER, I will give you one chance to make it to heaven. I will whip your back thrice with this mighty whip. If you show no pain, I will allow you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bank

He's accompanied by a broker. The man asks to speak to someone about making a large deposit, so the banker sends him straight to the boss.

"Good morning," says the man, "I'm here to deposit $40,000.

"Well now," says the banker, "how did you acquire such funds? We like to keep a clean n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Piano Player Wanted

So a guy sees a sign in a lounge window that says, "Piano Player Wanted" He goes in and secures an audition. He sits at the piano with the manager sitting nearby and proceeds to play an absolutely beautiful song.

The manager is overwhelmed and says, "Wow! That was wonderful. What song is tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A politician ends up in hell.

So a politician ends up in hell.
The devil looks at him and say “mmm never had one of your types down here before. You’re the first one God sent down here. But based on your past record on earth, you definitely belong down here”

With in a matter of weeks the politician starts to weasel hi...

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