A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

What's the difference between a stoat and a weasel?

One's weasily identifiable, the other one's stoatally different.

A weasel walks into a gas station with a ski mask and a gun, demanding that the cashier puts everything in a bag for him. The cashier says “wow! A weasel!! I’ve never seen one in real life before!”

*pop goes the weasel

A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar...

A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel.

"Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer."

"Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?"

"Can't and will not serve to anyone under age....

An underage weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry. I can't serve underage weasels."

The weasel says, "That's fine. I don't need something alcoholic. What else do you have?"

The bartender says "Oh, we have lots! We have water, pop, tea, coffee, smoothies. What would you like?"

"Pop," goes the wease...

A weasel walks into a bar...

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender is stunned.
“Wow I’ve never seen a weasel in my bar before!” exclaims the bartender. “What kind of alcohol would you like?”
The weasel looks over the menu and shakes his head.
The bartender says, “Okay no booze. Is there anything I can get for you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[GOD INVENTING THE WEASEL] You know what we need?

An otter you can't fucking trust.

Cigarettes are just like weasels...

Both are completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and set them on fire.

A monkey and a weasel go to a bar in California

The monkey sits down at the bar and orders a beer. He gestures at the weasel and says, "he's driving though, so no beer for him." The bartender turns to the weasel and says, "alright, what'll you have?"

"Soda," goes the weasel.

A weasel walks into a bar...

...and asks for a bottle of water.

The clerk at the counter says, "We don't have water. Would you like anything else?"

The weasel looks around, and spots the nearest case of drinks.

"I'll have a pop," goes the weasel.

A fox, a wolf and a weasel all go to a restaurant.

The waitress comes over and asks what they want to drink.
"Water" says the Fox,
"Coffee" growls the Wolf,
And "Pop!" Goes the Weasel!

What do you get when you cross a weasel with a whale?

A reprimand from the Scientific Ethics and Integrity Committee and an immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.

What did Donald Trump say to the sickly weasel that somehow got loose in the Oval Office?

Damn, next time I'll have to use more glue.

So I was driving home from work and I saw what looked like a giant weasel

It was humongoose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bank

He's accompanied by a broker. The man asks to speak to someone about making a large deposit, so the banker sends him straight to the boss.

"Good morning," says the man, "I'm here to deposit $40,000.

"Well now," says the banker, "how did you acquire such funds? We like to keep a clean n...

The monk and the student

In one school the teacher was a monk. Most of all he loved to have a snack and a nap afterwards. Every time before the lessons he ate so much that he could barely move.

Soon after the beginning of the lessons he always took a nap and slept until the bell for the end of the lessons sounded....

Lorraine

So imagine you are dating this girl named Lorraine, she is AWFUL. She stalks you, goes through your phone, and other crazy girlfriend things. The times you have tried to break up with her is countless but she always weasels her way out of it and you find yourself not doing it.

However there i...

My friend offered to let me rent 2 of his ermines.

He is now the lessor of two weasels.

An American, an Indian and a Greek go to hell...

An american, an indian and a greek find themselves in hell. Satan reveals himself and tells them "you are all condemned to spend your eternity in hell. HOWEVER, I will give you one chance to make it to heaven. I will whip your back thrice with this mighty whip. If you show no pain, I will allow you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, Mr Rabbit is going for a run through the woods. . .

. . . When he comes upon a clearing with a weasel about to light a joint in it. "Oh Mr. Weasel, that's not good. You should come running with me! It's MUCH more fun!" Said Mr. Rabbit. The weasel takes one last look at the joint, and says "Eh, screw it", throws it away, and goes running with Mr. Rabb...

Yes, It's true eagles can soar...

...but at least weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Two guys are enjoying a few drinks at a bar

Two guys are enjoying a few drinks at a bar. One starts to insult the other one. He screams: - “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells: - “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says: - “Go home dad you’re dr...

Triplets talking about what they want to be when they grow up

3 unborn babies are in their mothers womb talking about what they want to be when they grow up. The first one says "I'll be a plumber so I can fix this leak in here." The second says "I'll be an electrician so I can get some lighting in here." The third one says "I want to be a hunter so the next ti...

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