A sniper rifle and an assault rifle meet eachother at a dance party

They get along quite nicely and go out for a drink. The assault rifle falls in love with the sniper rifle, and decides to ask if the sniper rifle wants to be her boyfriend. However, the sniper rifle declines. Distraught, the assault rifle asks why he said no, to which the sniper rifle replies:
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

R Kelly found guilty of 11 counts of sexual assault

Or 18, if you ask him to do the maths

Putins army is on an assault in Ukrainian.

And a platoon is making their way through a Wooded area when someone heard a twig snap over the hill in front of them.
The commander sends a scout out in front to find out what was in front of them. Some minutes go by and their scout calls out “an Ukrainian man is spotted about 200….. pzzz” and t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I punched a white man in the face and was arrested for assault..

The next day when I got out, I punched a black man in the face and was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

The Australian Armed Forces recently declassified documents detailing their rationale for choosing the Steyr AUG as the Army’s assault rifle.

“Buy local.”

The police are saying I "assaulted" some guy with a sheet of sandpaper.

But I only roughed him up a bit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was Darth Vader arrested for sexual assault?

He kept forcing himself on people.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you believe a man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter...

How dairy!

I was assaulted by a group of mimes.

They did unspeakable things to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just found out that my old 3rd grade teacher is now doing time in prison for sexually assaulting a student.

I gotta say, he always rubbed me the wrong way.

Did you hear about the guy that escaped from a loony bin, went to the laundromat and assaulted some patrons, then ran away?

The headline in the paper read,

> Nut Screws Washers and Bolts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into his doctors after being assaulted by an elephant in the jungle.

As the man explains what happened in the jungle the doctor is confused.
"Well, I can't see any injuries on you, so what happened?"

The man responds
"Well you see Doc, the elephant knocked me down and.... Had his way with me.. I know it's bad but can you have a look for me?"

The d...

How to differentiate between the branches of the US armed forces:

If you give the command "SECURE THE BUILDING", here is what the different services would do:

The NAVY would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The ARMY would surround the building with defensive fortifications, tanks and concertina wire.

The MARINE CORPS would assault the b...

A man down on his luck went to an oracle and asked him to tell him the numbers that will change his life

the oracle took his glass orb, searched the mans future and told him “The numbers I see in your future are 3419807”

The man happy with these numbers, goes to a convenience store and buys a lottery ticket with his last few dollars and uses the numbers 3419807.

The next day the lottery n...

I heard a joke about oxygen and potassium. I’d say it was pretty OK.

Yea, I also heard that sodium was under assault.

A guy walks into a prison

He gets off the bus and he meets this big brute infringe of him. The brute says
“What’s your crime and where are you from?”
The guy responds :
“Well I’m from Bradford, and I commuted arsine, but why? What do you need that for?”
The brute says: “well we all have nicknames, made from our c...

New 911 audio recordings of Chris Browns assault on Rihanna has been released to the public for the first time.

It’s called Chris Browns greatest hits.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

Just been assaulted in a health food shop! Someone threw a massive bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me.

Fortunately I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

Two pretzels were walking down the road

One was assaulted

There was a man entering heaven's gate.

This is an old joke so I expect people already knew about it.

There was a man entering heaven's gate and St. Peter asked him. "What makes you think you deserve to enter heaven?"

The man replied when I was alive I once saw a biker gang harassing an old lady and when they are supposed t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ron Jeremy was arrested for sexual assault

Because Ron Jeremy is 67 years old, Prosecutors are worried the evidence won't stand up in court.
Further, Ron Jeremy is entitled to a jury of his peers. Prosecutors are afraid it will be a hung jury.

A man was arrested today for assaulting a legless man on the subway.

Turns out he was lack toes intolerant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There may be some validity to the sexual assault claims against Donald Trump.

After this election, it is clear he doesn't take no for an answer.

What is more difficult than getting an assault rifle in the U.S.?

Getting a water bottle in a Georgia voting line

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate sexual assault jokes-

Really, no one asked for them.

A joke my dad has been telling for 45 years

My dad played high school baseball, and the second baseman, John, eventually grew up to be a very successful accountant and married his high school sweetheart. Over the next 25 years, John also collected rare and antique baseball cards, eventually accumulating the world's most expensive collection…<...

The soldier who got assaulted by pepper spray and mustard gas in WW2...

... Is now a seasoned veteran.

They lifted there blades, in one last final assault...

The battle was long, perilous, and gruesome. The twins made it through nearly three quarters of the enemy battalion before reaching the final lines of the fray. Wielding naught but rags and broken tools after their endless nightmare, they saw the end stretching over the thin horizon.

One last...

Did you guys hear about the peanut?

The one in Central Park?

It was assaulted.

Did you hear about the guy who assaulted a reposter on a prescription drug sub?

He was a pharma karma farmer harmer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got kicked out of Comic-Con for assaulting a guy who didnt know who Keanu Reeves played in The Matrix

That was the second time I've been called a neo-nazi.

I went to buy an assault rifle today

Astonished by the price, I asked the clerk:

"Do I get a student discount?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a sexual assault at a vineyard?

A Harvey Winestein

What is it called when you get assaulted by a fish?

Aseasault.

I was assaulted this morning by six dwarves..

...Not Happy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Roy Moore says he’ll bring “Alabama values” to Washington, but I’m not so sure. I mean, he sexually assaulted teenage girls...

But he wasn’t related to any of ‘em!

French assault rifle for sale

Never fired, dropped only once.

I used to make bets with a cop that he’d never get away with assault.

He beat me every time.

“THERE’S ASSAULT ON THE BASE!“

Screamed the guy who put Sodium Chloride on soap.

There are serious injustices that have not been corrected in this world.

For example, beating up a white guy will get you much more prison time than beating up a black guy.

After all, Assault can get you up to 25 years, while impersonating a policeman will get you 5 at most.

A guy enters in a bar, angry af, with an assault rifle.

The whole place goes silent as he slams the door.

Angry guy : Who in here slept with my wife?!?

Some random guy at the back of the bar starts to laugh.

Angry guy : What's so funny?!?

Random guy : No chance you have enough bullets in that gun !

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the number of sexual assault allegations against Bill Clinton involving coercive oral sex?

It's jaw dropping.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad got incarcerated for assault during a parent teacher meeting.

He stood on principal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During a military assault by Hun, Mulan’s company suffered a bombardment and she was knocked out.

When she wakes up, the doctor tells her: “I have bad news for you, buddy.”

Fears that her true identity has been found out, she nervously asked the doctor what is it.

“I just checked your injuries and, well your dick is gone.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are you offended by sexual assault jokes?

\#MeToo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump said, "I declare April as Sexual Assault Awareness month."

His aide said, "So what do think are some good ways to prevent it?"

Trump replied, "Prevent it?"

*assault rifle tips fedora*

M’16.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when you smack Dwayne Johnson’s butt?

You get arrested for sexual assault. What did you think was going to happen?

If you assault a French philosopher while smoking THC wax, you’re...

Hitting da cart while hitting Descartes

Whats the difference between assault and battery?

My phone cann’t run out of assault.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota....

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to
read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing
and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the
wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and ...

Polyphemus the cyclops learns his assaulter's name and yells to Poseidon to strike him down Poseidon asks why?

Polyphemus:
"He's O-dissing-us"

An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station.

The sergeant looks on in amazement as the arm hops onto his desk, grabs a pen and writes;

“I’m here to enlist!”

“You can’t enlist, you’re just an arm!”

The arm quickly wraps itself around the sergeant’s neck and puts him into a submission hold; letting him go just before he pas...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 95 year old man was founded not guilty of sexual assault...

He was however arraigned with charges of assault with a dead weapon

Did you hear about the power source that was arrested for assault?

It was charged with battery.

How does a car feel when assaulted?

Alarmed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I lost my job at the hospital today for sexual assault....

It's not my fault that they put up a sign that said, 'stroke patients downstairs'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With quarantine over, I decided to book a flight, and foolishly hoped that Delta’s customer service would’ve improved after the down time.

Instead, when I got to the airport, I waited forever in a line while a Delta employee physically assaulted each and every customer who approached the desk. When my turn came, the employee gave me a right hook to the jaw and waved the next customer forward.

“What the fuck?!” I shouted. “I w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Captain Hook is claiming that he was sexually assaulted by his first mate some years ago.

It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.

A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.

The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.

It was a brief case.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why didn't the saxophone get fired from his teaching job after multiple accusations of sexual assault?

he was a tenure sax

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Cosby was charged with sexual assault

I guess the proof was in the pudding

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I stopped hanging out with one of my friends when he was charged with sexual assault;;

I'm worried he might rub off on me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Cop Pulls a Little Old Lady Over for Speeding

Cop pulls over a little old lady and asks for her licence and registration. When she pulls out her wallet, he sees a handgun in her purse.

"Ma'am, is that a gun in your purse?"

"Yes, Officer, it's a .38 Smith & Wesson revolver."

"Please place that purse on the passenge...

A girl picked me up from bar, took me to her place , blindfolded me, promised to show me the time of my life , and pegged me with her strap on. My friend says I was assaulted.

I failed to see the problem.

What do you call an assault by a Pacific Islander?

Hawaiian Punch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what do you call a robot that is sexually assaulted?

R2 me2

Police Officer: Ma'am, can you describe the person who assaulted you?

Woman: Oh yes, officer. I'm certain it was that man on the TV who hijacked that truck full of electric razors.

Police Officer: Ma'am, I'm afraid you been hit by, you've been struck by, a smooth criminal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got charged with sexual assault for slapping a geodude on the ass...

I think my life is over now that I've hit rock bottom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS : Buddy, the golden retriever from "Air Bud", makes his response to the accusations of sex assault

"I don't even know that bitch"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Captain Morgan now facing sexual assault accusations. Local authorities asking victims one question.

Have you had a little Captain in you?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Michael J Fox is the next hollywood star accused of sexual assault.

His victim said "his hands were everywhere"

The #Metoo movement is getting out of hand! Now there are assault allegations against Slenderman!

But don't worry, they're all faceless accusations.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the Water's sexual assault case against the Oil thrown out of court?

All of the physical evidence was immiscible.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend of mine was sexually assaulted by a gang of mime artists last night...

They did unspeakable things to him.

A robot assaulted a man.

He was charged with battery.

How do you call an assault made by twins?

Attack of the clones

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm proud of myself, I stopped two sexual assaults last night.

I stayed in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Finally decided to get some counseling on sexual assault.

Turns out, it’s only for the victims.

A slug was assaulted by a snail...

...and the snail was arrested and brought to trial.

At the trial the judge said, "OK, slug, tell the court what happened."

The slug said, "I don't know, your honor...everything happened so fast."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

David Blaine has reportedly been accused of two sexual assaults.

Apparently he touched two women and they disappeared.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With all the recent allegations of sexual assault...

I want to come out that I sexually assaulted a lamp. I know it isn't illegal, but it does shed light on my past

Why did the English teacher assault his dumb student?

He was hoping for a sentence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was sexually assaulted by a ghost.

Didn't see it cuming.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do male victims in Hollywood forget their sexual assault incidents?

They were feeling Spacey.

What do you call an assault which is both positive and negative?

A battery.

what does alex trebeck say before committing assault?

oooh im sorry, the correct answer was yes

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.