The other day I punched a white dude and got arrested for assault,

Today I punched a black guy and got arrested for impersonating a police officer.

The soldier who got assaulted by pepper spray and mustard gas in WW2...

... Is now a seasoned veteran.

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Ron Jeremy was arrested for sexual assault

Because Ron Jeremy is 67 years old, Prosecutors are worried the evidence won't stand up in court.
Further, Ron Jeremy is entitled to a jury of his peers. Prosecutors are afraid it will be a hung jury.

I was assaulted by a group of mimes.

They did unspeakable things to me.

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A man assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy

A sniper rifle and an assault rifle meet eachother at a dance party

They get along quite nicely and go out for a drink. The assault rifle falls in love with the sniper rifle, and decides to ask if the sniper rifle wants to be her boyfriend. However, the sniper rifle declines. Distraught, the assault rifle asks why he said no, to which the sniper rifle replies:
...

A man was arrested today for assaulting a legless man on the subway.

Turns out he was lack toes intolerant.

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Just found out that my old 3rd grade teacher is now doing time in prison for sexually assaulting a student.

I gotta say, he always rubbed me the wrong way.

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I got kicked out of Comic-Con for assaulting a guy who didnt know who Keanu Reeves played in The Matrix

That was the second time I've been called a neo-nazi.

What is it called when you get assaulted by a fish?

Aseasault.

French assault rifle for sale

Never fired, dropped only once.

New 911 audio recordings of Chris Browns assault on Rihanna has been released to the public for the first time.

It’s called Chris Browns greatest hits.

I used to make bets with a cop that he’d never get away with assault.

He beat me every time.

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Did you hear about the number of sexual assault allegations against Bill Clinton involving coercive oral sex?

It's jaw dropping.

Two peanuts were walking down the street, then one was assaulted

peanut

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My dad got incarcerated for assault during a parent teacher meeting.

He stood on principal.

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What do you call a sexual assault at a vineyard?

A Harvey Winestein

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During a military assault by Hun, Mulan’s company suffered a bombardment and she was knocked out.

When she wakes up, the doctor tells her: “I have bad news for you, buddy.”

Fears that her true identity has been found out, she nervously asked the doctor what is it.

“I just checked your injuries and, well your dick is gone.”

I was assaulted this morning by six dwarves..

...Not Happy.

Is it a crime to put sodium chloride in your enemy's eyes?

"Is it a crime to put sodium chloride in your enemy's eyes?"

"Yes, that's assault."

"I know it's a salt but is it a crime?"

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Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

Another three nuns joke....Three nuns are walking home late one night when suddenly they are attacked by three men.

The men pull them into the bushes and begin to assault them.

The first nun, clutching her rosary beads says, "forgive him Lord, he knows not what he does."

The second one closes her eyes and says, "forgive him Lord, he knows not what he does."

The third nun says, "this one does...

I went to buy an assault rifle today

Astonished by the price, I asked the clerk:

"Do I get a student discount?"

Why was the angry golfer so upset to be charged with assault?

They claimed he hit the victim 6 times, not 4.

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Are you offended by sexual assault jokes?

\#MeToo

If you assault a French philosopher while smoking THC wax, you’re...

Hitting da cart while hitting Descartes

A cop walks into a bar

Then places it under arrest for assaulting an officer

How does a car feel when assaulted?

Alarmed

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NSFW did you hear about the blind guy who was sexually assaulted by Pennywise?

He never saw IT coming.

A guy enters in a bar, angry af, with an assault rifle.

The whole place goes silent as he slams the door.

Angry guy : Who in here slept with my wife?!?

Some random guy at the back of the bar starts to laugh.

Angry guy : What's so funny?!?

Random guy : No chance you have enough bullets in that gun !

So Two guys are sitting in a prison cell.

the small guy turns to the larger guy and asks
*"So what are you in for then?"*


*"armed bank Robbery, theft of a vehicle, and assault of an officer."*
the large guy replies, with a rather solemn look.
The smaller guy nods and says *"oh.. how long are ya in for?"*
...

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A blind man walks into a biker bar andvorders a beer

While supping on his beverage, he asks the barmaid if she would like to hear a blonde joke.

The barmaid, in a rather gruff tone says
"Listen here sir, because of your disability, i will warn you now, im 6'2", weigh 300 LBS and lift weights in my free time. Im also blonde, the young ...

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Roy Moore says he’ll bring “Alabama values” to Washington, but I’m not so sure. I mean, he sexually assaulted teenage girls...

But he wasn’t related to any of ‘em!

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A 95 year old man was founded not guilty of sexual assault...

He was however arraigned with charges of assault with a dead weapon

Polyphemus the cyclops learns his assaulter's name and yells to Poseidon to strike him down Poseidon asks why?

Polyphemus:
"He's O-dissing-us"

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A criminal gets arrested. NSFW

After the arrest he is put into his usual cell. After entering the cell he greets everyone as he is familiar with all of them. After the greetings, he notices an unfamiliar guy sitting alone in the corner that he has never seen before.
"First time?" He asks. The stranger nods in agreement. "What ...

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Why didn't the saxophone get fired from his teaching job after multiple accusations of sexual assault?

he was a tenure sax

Did you hear about the power source that was arrested for assault?

It was charged with battery.

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Donald Trump said, "I declare April as Sexual Assault Awareness month."

His aide said, "So what do think are some good ways to prevent it?"

Trump replied, "Prevent it?"

A girl picked me up from bar, took me to her place , blindfolded me, promised to show me the time of my life , and pegged me with her strap on. My friend says I was assaulted.

I failed to see the problem.

*assault rifle tips fedora*

M’16.

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I stopped hanging out with one of my friends when he was charged with sexual assault;;

I'm worried he might rub off on me.

A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.

The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.

It was a brief case.

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Captain Hook is claiming that he was sexually assaulted by his first mate some years ago.

It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.

Did you hear they arrested the Energizer bunny?

Yeah, assault with a battery.

Apparently he just kept going on the guy.

I hear they're charging him.

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I lost my job at the hospital today for sexual assault....

It's not my fault that they put up a sign that said, 'stroke patients downstairs'.

Police Officer: Ma'am, can you describe the person who assaulted you?

Woman: Oh yes, officer. I'm certain it was that man on the TV who hijacked that truck full of electric razors.

Police Officer: Ma'am, I'm afraid you been hit by, you've been struck by, a smooth criminal.

The #Metoo movement is getting out of hand! Now there are assault allegations against Slenderman!

But don't worry, they're all faceless accusations.

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911: 911, what is your emergency?

Woman: I was just sexually assaulted by a painter!

911: How do you know he was a painter?

Woman: He was drunk and didn't finish the job.

I think that people who say AR-15 stands for assault rifle are stupid.

Armalite?

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never argue with a woman who reads.....It”s likely she can also think.

In th AM husband returns the boat to their lakeside cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up and begins to read a book. The peace and solitude...

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The Hamstrung Limpet

Do you know what the hamstrung limpet is? Well let me tell ya...

One fine spring day, a boy on a playground had a burning question. It was a rather odd question, so he decided to confide in a fellow child
He walked up to a little girl on the playground, and asked her, “Do you know...

What do you call an assault by a Pacific Islander?

Hawaiian Punch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the Water's sexual assault case against the Oil thrown out of court?

All of the physical evidence was immiscible.

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I got charged with sexual assault for slapping a geodude on the ass...

I think my life is over now that I've hit rock bottom.

Don't believe what your school bully tells you.

Always take it with a grain of assault.

I'm in jail for assault, but I had to uphold my honor when he bit his thumb at me.

That'll teach that baby...

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what do you call a robot that is sexually assaulted?

R2 me2

A robot assaulted a man.

He was charged with battery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS : Buddy, the golden retriever from "Air Bud", makes his response to the accusations of sex assault

"I don't even know that bitch"

The Biker and the Lion

A Harley Biker is sitting on his Harley, drinking a beer, by the Zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
<...

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I'm proud of myself, I stopped two sexual assaults last night.

I stayed in.

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Captain Morgan now facing sexual assault accusations. Local authorities asking victims one question.

Have you had a little Captain in you?

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Michael J Fox is the next hollywood star accused of sexual assault.

His victim said "his hands were everywhere"

Did you hear that the Air Force just bought a bunch of copies of The Little Mermaid on DVD?

They must be preparing for an Ariel assault.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Cosby was charged with sexual assault

I guess the proof was in the pudding

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Finally decided to get some counseling on sexual assault.

Turns out, it’s only for the victims.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend of mine was sexually assaulted by a gang of mime artists last night...

They did unspeakable things to him.

How do you call an assault made by twins?

Attack of the clones

Why is mace an assault

When it’s really a pepper

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What do you call a paedophile with Parkinson's

assault shaker

A slug was assaulted by a snail...

...and the snail was arrested and brought to trial.

At the trial the judge said, "OK, slug, tell the court what happened."

The slug said, "I don't know, your honor...everything happened so fast."

In a courtroom one morning

Barry the Basher was being faced with multiple charges of aggravated battery. He had a reputation of assaulting his victims with a baseball bat.

However, the opposing legal team discovered that all of their evidence was either lost or destroyed and were not able to tie him to any of the cha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With all the recent allegations of sexual assault...

I want to come out that I sexually assaulted a lamp. I know it isn't illegal, but it does shed light on my past

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

David Blaine has reportedly been accused of two sexual assaults.

Apparently he touched two women and they disappeared.

Why should you never touch NaCl?

THAT’S ASSAULT

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With all these workplace sexual assault cases it makes me wonder.

How has Ron Jeremy gotten away with it all these years?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do male victims in Hollywood forget their sexual assault incidents?

They were feeling Spacey.

Why did the English teacher assault his dumb student?

He was hoping for a sentence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad just got arrested for assaulting a minor..

Which is bullshit, he didn't even work in the mines!

i fought a child the other day

i got caught, but it's fine because it was just a minor assault

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