UPJOKE
warfoeoppositionadversarymilitaryalliesaggressionwarfarebattleopponenthostilerivalforcehatredenmity

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

I stuck pins in a voodoo doll of my arch enemy

I managed to cure his backache and help him quit smoking

Did you hear about the soldier who snuck behind enemy lines disguised as a Christmas tree?

He was a decorated veteran.

3 captured soldiers are about to be executed by an enemy firing squad

The first captured soldier is taken in front of the firing squad and is about to get killed.

That soldier gets clever and thinks of a plan: right before the enemies fire at him, he yells “EARTHQUAKE!.”
The enemy firing squad gets confused for a moment thinking there’s an earthquake. By the...

What does "Secure the Building" mean to veterans?

If you're a veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase "secure the building."

If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.

If you were in the Army you think it means to go from r...

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A pirate walks into a bar ...

... and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Arrh!," says the pirate, "We were in a battle ...

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6 Life Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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One day at the end of class, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with a moral of the story

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand.

“My dad owns a farm...

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

A loaf of bread made an enemy of me.

Now it's toast

A general is inspecting the drydock where an advanced prototype is in the final stages of commissioning.

The project manager excitedly explains how the attack submarine will be much faster than an enemy due to an innovative design which drastically reduces drag forces. The general asks how progress is coming along.

The manager replies, “The propulsion system is complete, I think it's ready for ...

A Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type of stuff.

But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'
''Yes madam......My daddy told me a story about my Mom "
"OK, let's hear" said the teacher.

"My Mom was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit".
"She had t...

What’s a redditor’s worst enemy?

Context!

My dad said that I'm my own worst enemy.

I've been thinking about it for ages.

Why can't I be my own *best* enemy? I must be terrible at that too.

A few bananas are planning a heist

Right before they leap into action, they decide to run through the process again so all bananas know what they're doing.

Firstly, two bananas will be creating a distraction a distance away from the heist. Then, the rest of the bananas will scatter to confuse the enemy and start the heist.
...

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8 Life Lessons — NOT OC

I'll credit this as last posted by u/NinjaNoob99.

-----

*SHOWER:*

A woman gets out of the shower just as her husband is going to his room. Hearing a knock on the front door, she wraps herself in her bathrobe before stepping outside. She sees her neighbor, who says "I'll give you...

The curtain opens, showing a man fighting in a war. Then he gets captured by the enemy, and gets his feet cut off. The curtain closes. What is the name of the play?

De-feeted in battle!

TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy

Oops, wrong sub

The Lone Ranger’s Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ..

"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"...

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The Russians are getting so low on guns in the Ukraine invasion that Ivan was given a broomstick with a banana tied to it instead.

What am I supposed to do with this he asked his CO? Don't be ungrateful for what glorious Mother Russia has given you he answered, just point it at the enemy and say "Bangety Bang Bang". OK, I guess I can try that Ivan said, what's the banana for though? That's a bayonet you stupid ass said the CO, ...

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A Pirate walks into his local tavern.

He has just returned from a long venture out at sea and hasn’t been there for a while.

The bartender sees him and immediately screams, “Holy hell, what happen to your leg?”

Pirate: “What do you mean?”

Bartender: “What do I mean?! you got a bloody piece of wood where your leg was...

The fascist, the coward, and the yellow monkey were what the US call their enemy in WW2...

... now that is what they call their president.

How do Canadians take down enemy aircraft

With an Eh Eh gun!

"Is it a crime to throw sodium chloride into enemy's eyes?"

"Yes, that's assault."

"I know its a salt but, is it a crime?

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Once upon a time, there was a little sparrow who decided to be different from all the other birds by not flying south for the winter.

Needless to say, it soon got so cold that the little bird reluctantly started south anyway. A storm blew in, the little bird grew cold, and ice formed on his wings which caused him to fall to the ground in a barnyard. A cow wandered by and shit on him. This may seem terrible, but it warmed the po...

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One day in class the teacher asks the students to tell a story that has a lesson?

Suzie puts her hand up and tells a story about the time she was at the beach and jumped into the water and cut her leg badly on a jagged rock she didn't see. She said the lesson of the story was to look before you leap.

Next Pete told a story about how he went with his dad to a junkyard and t...

Who is David Tennant's arch enemy?

David Landlord

A guy is walking along a beach and finds a mysterious ancient lamp

He drains the water out of it and rubs it to clean it up when it starts to shake in his hand and smoke comes out of it. Suddenly a wizened old genie appears.

"You have freed me from my imprisonment in the lamp, O generous one," the genie says and falls at his feet.

The guy is taken ab...

Russian military supremacy

You may wonder why Russian army is superior to all other armies. Well, it is because of their excellent strategy and tactics. For example, during six days war, Russian officers advised Egypt how to defeat Israel. The advise was: draw enemy deep inside the country and wait for winter!

The Doctor was a time lord, unchallenged in all the lands. David Tennant, an amazing doctor, with only one archnemesis. The enemy's name?

David Lanndlord

What’s a fireman’s worst enemy?

Crazy wet hoes.

What vegetables are a sailors enemy?

leeks!

Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted...

### Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.

When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and ...

Killer Chihuahua

Guy walks into a bar and announced rather loudly, “Whomever had a German Shepard tied up outside, I regret to inform you that my Chihuahua has killed your dog.” The German Shepard owner pipes up saying, “There’s no way your Chihuahua could have killed my dog. My Shepard was a trained war dog. He fou...

Why is it a bad idea to make an enemy of your father?

Because it is such a ~~faux pas~~ foe pa!

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Little Johnny and the moral lesson

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taki...

I'm Designing a New Strategic Weapons System

It flies over enemy territory expelling thousands of tonnes of excrement.

I call it the Incontinent Ballistic Missile...

Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy

but the Bible says love your enemy.

what did the skeleton say to his enemy

I've got a *bone* to pick with you

Out of all the enemy leaders during World War II, who could run with the most speed?

Mussolini, because he was the fascist

What's the only enemy of the swordfish?

The penfish

A soldier rushes to his captain and says: "one enemy ship is approaching us"

Captain Replies “David, Go Bring My Red Shirt”

Soldier Gets Shirt For His Captain.

Enemy Ship Comes In, Heavy Rounds Of Fire Are Exchanged.

Finally The Captain Wins.

Soldier Asks: “Congrats Sir, But Why The Red Shirt?”

Captain Replies: “If I Got Injured Then My Blo...

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Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" ...

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A grammar nazi pirate is sailing his ship getting ready to attack an enemy ship...

when one of his men comes up to him and hollers:

*"The cannons be ready, Captain!"*

The Captain looks at him and says:

*"Arrrrrrrrrre"*

I once killed an enemy soldier by cutting off his feet.

I defeated him.

A few minutes before the services started, satan appeared at the front of the church

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultima...

My 17-year-old daughter and I made up a joke today! Q: Who is the bread God’s arch-enemy?

A: The Anticrust!

A young soldier from Texas was sent to battle….

A young soldier from Texas was sent to battle. Not being the brightest in class, a recruiter noticed he was tough and had heart so off he went to war right after high school.

While in service, he again was not known to be the brightest but earned many accolades and by the end of the war he w...

A barbarian warrior is captured by the enemy

He was taken before the leader, and told that he had one opportunity for life: he must survive four trials by ordeal.

The first was to walk barefoot across a trench filled with hot coals.

The second, to drink a full quart of the most powerful spirit.

Third, he had to enter a ca...

If the enemy attacks from the front, what will you do?

General: If the enemy attacks from the front, what will you do?

Me: I will defend against him!

General: If the enemy attacks from the back, what will you do?

Me: I will defend against him!

General: If the enemy attacks from the left, what will you do?

Me: I will de...

Some acids walked into the enemy base...

Threat Neutralized.

if school was a game, there would be loading screen tips reminding you to

stay behind cover and only move when the enemy is reloading

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What does a black samurai call his frightened enemy

Pussy ass ninja.

If a female fighter pilot shoots down a lot of enemy airplanes, she might plausibly be called a heroine.

But if she shoots up a lot of heroin, she will probably not be called an enemy airplane.

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The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.

The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!"

The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting ...

In the darkest hours of World War II, a British Commando unit was waiting to go behind enemy lines into Norway

During the planning of the mission, it was decided that their rifles would need protective covers against the extreme cold of Norway. The contract to manufacture the covers was given to a pharmaceutical company that also manufactured condoms.

Before the Commandos deployed, Winston Churchill p...

What is a chameleon's worst enemy?

A tongue twister

What did the duck tell the other duck in the war between chickens and ducks

“ENEMY FIRING EGGS! DUCK!”

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93 and you have no enemy's?

A priest finishes his service, and at the end asks everyone to forgive their enemy's and when they have, put their hand up. So after a minute, about half the people's hands are in the air. "That's not good enough" the priest says and waits another while. Eventually, everyone's hands are up, except a...

An admiral is staring off the deck of his battleship at the approaching enemy on the horizon.

“Fetch my red shirt,” the admiral says to his first officer. “If I’m wounded in battle, I don’t want the men to see I’m bleeding. It will kill morale.”



“But sir,” says the first officer, “there is a fleet of fifteen ships coming right for us.”



“Oh,” the admiral sighs. “...

What common enemy do the Hulk and Kung Fu Panda share?

>!stairs!<

Smells fishy to me. Not my work.

Two prawns were swimming around in the ocean.

One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area:

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shar...

A cowboy finds himself captured by a tribe of Native Americans…

(Oldie, but goodie joke here)…

Anywhooo, the Natives tell the cowboy since he is their enemy they must put him to death. But, as is their custom, they won’t do so until he has spent 3 nights in their camp and each night, they shall grant him a wish.

As the first day, he says “I wish ...

Two ninjas watch an enemy approach. The first ninja nudges the other and says, "he can't cross without being attacked, can he?" The other ninja, stretches and yawns, and replies

"shuriken."

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead spy get caught behind enemy lines...

The enemy puts each of them against a fence to be shot.

The general orders his squad, "Ready. Aim."

The brunette spy is quick on her feet and yells, "TORNADO! TORNADO! TORNADO!"

The entire firing squad goes to the bunker to hide and waits for the tornado to pass. The brunette th...

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[putting the wrong type of shampoo on my enemy’s voodoo doll]

Enjoy a dry scalp you son of a bitch.

What’s an antivaxx kid’s biggest enemy?

Their parents.

Match the middle eastern country to its sworn enemy...

- Bahrain
- Lebanon
- Qatar
- United Arab Emirates
- Egypt
- Syria
- Jordan
- Iran
- Iraq
- Saudi Arabia
- Algeria
- Morocco
- Yemen
- Oman
- Kuwait

1. Israel

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What did the dickhead tell his enemy?

Don’t hit me, I cum n piss

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A classic joke from my childhood.

There is the private in the army. On the day before he was about to be sent to the front lines, he has to visit the quartermasters and get issued his weapons.

Unfortunately, he overslept and ended up being very last in line. When he finally made it to the desk, the gun master regretted to inf...

What did the proud pirate dad say after seeing his son torch an enemy ship?

Arr, son.

A pirate ship is sailing in the ocean when an enemy ship approaches...

"Captain, an enemy ship approaches!" A crew member shouted from the crow's nest.

The captain turned to his first mate and said, "Bring me my red shirt." The first mate, somewhat confused, ran to the captain's quarters and brought the captain his red shirt. They battled the enemy ship and won....

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A village is invaded by the enemy army

During a war, an army enters a village and the commander decides to execute all villagers by the firing squad. But, he also wants to entertain himself and gathers the men and the women across each other. Then, the soldiers blindfold the women and leave the men butt-naked.

The commander says "...

[OC] Does the Clown Fish have an enemy?

Anemone is its friend.

Got this one from a coworker the other day.

There was once this great pirate captain who refused to lose any battles no matter the cost. He would give up anything to secure victory in battle.

One day while sailing the open ocean he and his crew encounter an two enemy ships so he yells to his first mate “get me my red shirt!” So the fi...

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[Long] In the midst of World War 3, a fighter pilot is shot down behind enemy lines and taken prisoner.

Upon reaching the prisoner encampment, the pilot notices three tents in front of him before he is approached by the enemy commander.

"Prisoner! We will give you an opportunity to gain your freedom by completing three challenges in the tents behind me, which if successfully completed, you w...

Alcohol is our worst enemy

Good thing Jesus taught us all to love our enemies.

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A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

A pirate’s pants

There was a pirate captain who would ask his lieutenant to bring his red trousers whenever an enemy vessel was sighted and battle would ensue.

One day his lieutenant asked him “captain, why do you always wear your red trouser to battle?”
To which the old ruffian replied “So that when I b...

In war, a general sees an enemy soldier who has his arm in a hole filled with water

"Let's avoid him", he tells his adjutant. "He's well armed."

Why don't Los Angeles drivers use their blinkers?

It gives too much information to the enemy.

How many guns do the US need to combat an enemy?

Two: one to shoot and one to sell him to shoot back.

Confusing the enemy ;)

Last night I did something terrible to mosquitoes, they will never forget. I opened the windows and let them all inside then I closed the windows and slept outside. it's called confusing the enemy.

Thor, upon his mighty steed, approaches his enemy, Thanos. Thanos asks "Who might you be?"

"I AM THORRRR!!!"

His horse perks up and says "Well, then wear a thaddle thilly."

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