The 72+ Best Enemy Jokes

3 captured soldiers are about to be executed by an enemy firing squad

The first captured soldier is taken in front of the firing squad and is about to get killed.

That soldier gets clever and thinks of a plan: right before the enemies fire at him, he yells “EARTHQUAKE!.”
The enemy firing squad gets confused for a moment thinking there’s an earthquake. By the...

Chuck Norris killed 50 enemy combatants with a grenade

Then the grenade exploded.

TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy

Oops, wrong sub

Genie granted me one wish, but with a condition that my enemy will get two times more

I asked for 120/80 blood pressure

Out of all the enemy leaders during World War II, who could run with the most speed?

Mussolini, because he was the fascist

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

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A pirate walks into a bar ...

... and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Arrh!," says the pirate, "We were in a battle ...

How does a non binary samurai kill their enemy?

They/them

War. A battalion is under heavy enemy fire.

The commander gathers his soldiers and explains:

**Commander**: Listen men, we can't hold for long. We must retreat and come back with reinforcements. However, someone must stay behind and cover our backs. And whoever he is... our supply situation is bad. All we can give him is three grenades...

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Famed pirates Anne Bonny and Mary Read would board ships with their tits out to distract and intimidate enemy sailors.

It had no effect on their own crew because pirates only care about booty.

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A grammar nazi pirate is sailing his ship getting ready to attack an enemy ship...

when one of his men comes up to him and hollers:

*"The cannons be ready, Captain!"*

The Captain looks at him and says:

*"Arrrrrrrrrre"*

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Forgiving Your Enemies

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't ha...

My dad said that I'm my own worst enemy.

I've been thinking about it for ages.

Why can't I be my own *best* enemy? I must be terrible at that too.

How do Canadians take down enemy aircraft

With an Eh Eh gun!

Who's the real enemy of ISIS?

IBRO

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A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

Forgiving your enemy brings you one step closer to God

But being pushed down a Flight of stairs by said enemy brings you to God faster

Some acids walked into the enemy base...

Threat Neutralized.

Did you kill many of the enemy?

This was back in the 1970s. A middle-aged man got upset with his neighbor and spilled a flowerpot full of water out his window onto her. She got very upset and pressed charges against him. So the man had to go and get a lawyer to represent him, and the lawyer asked the judge for leniency, arguing...

I once killed an enemy soldier by cutting off his feet.

I defeated him.

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During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.

“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”

“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.

He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and f...

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Military joke: the enemy is storming the front en masse.

Army general turns to his soldiers, "boys, go get em!"
They all go out running at the enemy and they all die.

Navy Admiral turns to his seamen, "boys, storm those beaches!"
They all rush ashore and every last one of them are killed.

Marine General turn to his men all cocky, "...

I stuck pins in a voodoo doll of my arch enemy

I managed to cure his backache and help him quit smoking

What vegetables are a sailors enemy?

leeks!

A loaf of bread made an enemy of me.

Now it's toast

A third grade teacher had her students ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral for their homework one day.

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. But then the teacher realized that only Katie was left.

"Katie, do you have a story to share?"
''Yes ma'am... My daddy told me a story about my mom."
"OK, let's hear it," said the teacher.

"My mom was a...

Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy

but the Bible says love your enemy.

Who is David Tennant's arch enemy?

David Landlord

During the winter war, the Soviets where attacking a Finnish position

At first the Soviet command sends five soldiers in, and they all get killed by The enemy.

A Finnish soldier then yelled to the Soviets “Is that all you’ve got? I’m only one here.”

Then the Soviet command sends in 15 soldiers, who all, again, is killed by the enemy.

The Finnish s...

Are you the enemy of my enemy?

Asking for a friend.

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93 and you have no enemy's?

A priest finishes his service, and at the end asks everyone to forgive their enemy's and when they have, put their hand up. So after a minute, about half the people's hands are in the air. "That's not good enough" the priest says and waits another while. Eventually, everyone's hands are up, except a...

Teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.

**Teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.**

Following day the kids came back and one by one go through their stories.

There were all the regular things - never too old to learn, never give up, no crying over spilled mi...

So a three masted sailing ship is leaving port...

... just a day out of port the captain is standing on the deck when the lookout calls down "Sir! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"

The captain turns to his cabin boy and shouts "Bring me my red shirt!"

After the cabin boy brings him the red shirt and he puts it on, the two ships...

What’s a fireman’s worst enemy?

Crazy wet hoes.

what did the skeleton say to his enemy

I've got a *bone* to pick with you

What do you call a fake enemy?

A faux!

In the future, wars are fought on a budget

The world economy ensures there are no weapons at all. A man signs up for his country’s army. He gets to training camp. The sergeant hands him a piece of wood shaped like a rifle, with a rubber bayonet on the end.

‘Right, men! This is the new war tactics. You point your rifle at the enemy a...

Why would the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base.

What is a chameleon's worst enemy?

A tongue twister

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead spy get caught behind enemy lines...

The enemy puts each of them against a fence to be shot.

The general orders his squad, "Ready. Aim."

The brunette spy is quick on her feet and yells, "TORNADO! TORNADO! TORNADO!"

The entire firing squad goes to the bunker to hide and waits for the tornado to pass. The brunette th...

"Is it a crime to throw sodium chloride into enemy's eyes?"

"Yes, that's assault."

"I know its a salt but, is it a crime?

A barbarian warrior is captured by the enemy

He was taken before the leader, and told that he had one opportunity for life: he must survive four trials by ordeal.

The first was to walk barefoot across a trench filled with hot coals.

The second, to drink a full quart of the most powerful spirit.

Third, he had to enter a ca...

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A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.

The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries.

"So..." he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?"

"A shark bit off me leg."

"And the hook?"

"An enemy pirate cut off me hand."

The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories.

"Wha...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

Confusing the enemy ;)

Last night I did something terrible to mosquitoes, they will never forget. I opened the windows and let them all inside then I closed the windows and slept outside. it's called confusing the enemy.

Alcohol is our worst enemy

Good thing Jesus taught us all to love our enemies.

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The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.

The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!"

The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting ...

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What did the dickhead tell his enemy?

Don’t hit me, I cum n piss

Why is it a bad idea to make an enemy of your father?

Because it is such a ~~faux pas~~ foe pa!

If a female fighter pilot shoots down a lot of enemy airplanes, she might plausibly be called a heroine.

But if she shoots up a lot of heroin, she will probably not be called an enemy airplane.

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A village is invaded by the enemy army

During a war, an army enters a village and the commander decides to execute all villagers by the firing squad. But, he also wants to entertain himself and gathers the men and the women across each other. Then, the soldiers blindfold the women and leave the men butt-naked.

The commander says "...

Why is gravity your enemy?

Because it is keeping you down.

[OC] Does the Clown Fish have an enemy?

Anemone is its friend.

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[putting the wrong type of shampoo on my enemy’s voodoo doll]

Enjoy a dry scalp you son of a bitch.

What’s an antivaxx kid’s biggest enemy?

Their parents.

A soldier rushes to his captain and says: "one enemy ship is approaching us"

Captain Replies “David, Go Bring My Red Shirt”

Soldier Gets Shirt For His Captain.

Enemy Ship Comes In, Heavy Rounds Of Fire Are Exchanged.

Finally The Captain Wins.

Soldier Asks: “Congrats Sir, But Why The Red Shirt?”

Captain Replies: “If I Got Injured Then My Blo...

The fascist, the coward, and the yellow monkey were what the US call their enemy in WW2...

... now that is what they call their president.

What common enemy do the Hulk and Kung Fu Panda share?

>!stairs!<

Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.

When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and when it’s time to shoot, yell ‘Bangety Bang Bang!’ Go get a bayonet on it and maybe it’ll look better.” But, again, Jim was...

Satan Appears in a Church

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon...

How many guns do the US need to combat an enemy?

Two: one to shoot and one to sell him to shoot back.

Match the middle eastern country to its sworn enemy...

- Bahrain
- Lebanon
- Qatar
- United Arab Emirates
- Egypt
- Syria
- Jordan
- Iran
- Iraq
- Saudi Arabia
- Algeria
- Morocco
- Yemen
- Oman
- Kuwait

1. Israel

A pirate ship is sailing in the ocean when an enemy ship approaches...

"Captain, an enemy ship approaches!" A crew member shouted from the crow's nest.

The captain turned to his first mate and said, "Bring me my red shirt." The first mate, somewhat confused, ran to the captain's quarters and brought the captain his red shirt. They battled the enemy ship and won....

A schizophrenic soldier took an enemy battalion prisoner.

It was easy, he had them surrounded.

A pirate captain sees an enemy ship approaching...

As the ship gets closer he yells to the deckhand. "Deckhand, get me me favorite red shirt from the bunkhouse." The deckhand retrieves the shirt and gives it to the captain. The battle is short-lived, and the captain's crew prevails. A week later, two enemy ships approach. As the ships get closer the...

What did the waiter do to his enemy to take revenge?

He served him right

What did the proud pirate dad say after seeing his son torch an enemy ship?

Arr, son.

An admiral is staring off the deck of his battleship at the approaching enemy on the horizon.

“Fetch my red shirt,” the admiral says to his first officer. “If I’m wounded in battle, I don’t want the men to see I’m bleeding. It will kill morale.”

“But sir,” says the first officer, “there is a fleet of fifteen ships coming right for us.”

“Oh,” the admiral sighs. “...

My 17-year-old daughter and I made up a joke today! Q: Who is the bread God’s arch-enemy?

A: The Anticrust!

Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training...

When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him.

The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle.

So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangid...

[True story] My girlfriend told me tonight that sugar was my enemy.

I replied "You know what they say. Keep your enemies closer than your friends."

Giles was late for shooting practice so the Sergeant made him pretend he was holding a pistol and make "Pew pew" sounds.

Giles didn't want to make a fuss so he makes his hands into a pistol and starts saying "pew pew" while aiming.

But the idiot Giles was almost always late. So a lot of "pew pewing" was going on when he was practicing.

After 4 months, there's been an invasion and a full-blown war has s...

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