UPJOKE
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Outrageous!

A married couple is travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George .
Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out fou...

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The family's sitting at dinner when little Billy asks an outrageous question,

"Momma," asks Billy, "can you really suck the chrome off a trailer hitch?"

Both parents go completely silent, but the mother replies "No, Billy. That's just an urban myth. Nobody can remove chrome with their mouth."

"Oh." says Billy, thinking for a moment.

"Well, Uncle Steve say...

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Two guys are talking about sex with their girlfriends.

Says the first guy: “Dude, have you ever tried doing it in the other hole?” His buddy is outraged: “Are you crazy? She could get pregnant that way!”

A lady gives her maid notice, so the maid decides to speak her mind 'You need to know, I am a better cook, cleaner, more attractive and better in bed than you' The lady is outraged and screams 'How dare you insinuate my husband says such things!'

'I didn't' says the maid 'The gardener does'

A man marches to H.R. to complain that his paycheque is $50 short.

He arrives in the H.R. office and slams his paycheque on the desk.

"This is an outrage!"

The rep apologizes for the error, then begins to investigate the issue on her computer. Suddenly, she's smirking.

"Oh, I see. You're coming here to complain that we underpaid you by $50 thi...

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.


Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.


The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particul...

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Frank.....

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned round to see a big black bear.

The black bear said "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex."

F...

car service outrage

I recently paid $300 for a limousine and I just found out the fee doesn't include a driver.

I can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

After so long of Hell being just too hot...

The inhabitants decide to steal a/c units from Heaven and install them, making the place a little more comfortable. When the inhabitants of Heaven learn what's been done, they lash out in outrage. "How dare you! We'll sue you!" they cried.

To which Hell's residents replied: "You can try, s...

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Decided to visit my Gran.

I walked in and found her sucking Grandad's cock.

I was outraged but she told me to calm down, saying that it was only natural.

I told her it wasn't and they should have buried it with the rest of him.

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

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Two guys are working a roofing job for a high rise condo

One guy is on the roof and the other is on the ground

The foreman on the roof realizes he forgot to grab his hand saw, so he goes to the edge to yell to his partner to bring it up.

"Hey! I need my hand saw!"

His partner cups his ear as if he didn't understand.

"**I NEED ...

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He list...

In a remote tribal village…

A baby is born with light skin and fair hair. The expectant father, whose features are quite dark, is outraged. He gathers his weapons and heads straight for the only fair-skinned man in the entire region: a missionary the next village over who bears a striking resemblance to this newborn child.
...

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

Last night I dreamed I was in Paris. The year was 1789.

I was poor and hungry. My clothes were in tatters. I was all alone.

Far away I saw the palace, and when the guards weren’t watching, I slipped inside.

I smelled food. I followed the smell.

There I saw the Queen, feasting on a huge banquet, with a dozen ladies of the court.
...

A Two-Fold Accident

A man gets into a car accident along a busy avenue. His car is completely totaled, the bumper fell off, the lights are all shattered, there's glass everywhere. Irate, he gets out of his car and begins to yell at the other driver. The other driver peeks out of his window, wearing a bright orange hat....

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A king was speaking to a journalist, who was exploring his nation.

Sadly, the king did not speak english, so he used his translator to help him decipher her words.

The Journalist said “I must go and deliver these discoveries I have made.”

The king whispered to his translator, who then said, “The king enjoys your company!”

The journalist said, “...

A guy is relaxing at home when he hears a loud banging on his front door. He opens the door to discover his next-door neighbor standing there looking outraged. "

What's the matter Bill?" he asks the neighbor. "I found your son's name written with pee in the snow between our houses!" he responds. "What's the big deal? He's a kid. Kids do that stuff". I'll tell you the big deal! It was in my daughter's handwriting!"

How did she know?

Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests. For once, they'denjoy a vacation as regular people.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really out...

With the outrage regarding the repeal of Net Neutrality, it is important to remember that there are two sides to this issue.

The outraged side,

And the uninformed.

I went on a couple of dates last week at the local supermarket.

The grocer was outraged, and said I destroyed his fruits.

My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”

He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

OBGYN turns car mechanic (probably my favorite joke of all times)

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided a career change was in order. Being an automotive enthusiast, he felt he should become a car mechanic.
He read and studied hard, and then came the day of the official exam.
Scores range between 40 and 100, where 60 is enough to pass the ex...

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Today my classmate told me: "I have a problem with degenerate homos". I was outraged by his bigoted words..

..until I realised he was talking about our physics homework!

(Glossary: Degenerate - Having the same energy level. HOMO - Highest Occupied Molecular Orbital)

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Ar...

A woman gets on a bus carrying her baby. The driver says 'Oh my, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen' The woman goes to her seat with an angry rage building. The man sat next her asks 'What's the matter?' To which the woman says the driver was so rude to her she might lose it...

'That's outrageous' says the man 'You should go and tell him off for whatever he said. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you whilst you do'

A man who is riddled with guilt confesses in a sms message to his next-door neighbor.

A man who is riddled with guilt confesses in a sms message to his next-door neighbor.

Dear neighbor, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife for some time now. It's been so good I have not been able to stop myself. Sometimes it's ...

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A woman has to decide between three bachelors

A woman in her early thirties is desperate to get married and goes on dates with three elegible bachelors: One from Italy, one from France, and one from China. They have all been equally amazing to the woman, who took years and years to make her decision because she just couldn’t pick.

One da...

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A Giant walks into a bar...

He orders a huge tankard of beer and sits down right next to a leprechaun.

The leprechaun looks impressed at that enormous drinking vessel, stretches his head over it and 'ptui, ptui, ptui' - spits three times into the giant's beer.

Angered by the sheer audacity, the giant grunts: "F...

My electricity bill is outrageous for the shoddy service I’m getting...

...I’m just not happy with my current provider.

One Sunday, a minister played hooky from church so he could shoot a round of golf.

St. Peter, looking down from Heaven, seethed. “You’re going to let him get away with this, God?”

The Lord shook his head.

The minister took his first shot. The ball soared through the air 670 yards and dropped into the cup for a hole in one.

St. Peter was outraged. “I thought yo...

What do you call an outrageous father?

Papa-sterous.

I'll see myself out.

A priest begins to wonder if his religion is really the only ‘true’ religion. In his search he finds an Internet forum with like mined faith/spiritual seekers, and quickly befriends a Jewish Rabbi, and a Buddhist monk.

The three debate for months, with no real progression as such, until a post appears from a new user, claiming to be the purest, living descendant of Adam & Eve. He further claims, that to those who truly believe, he will grant the secret to human evolution.
All but the monk immediately dismi...

Did you hear about the customer outrage when the grocery store ran out of tea?

There was a steep demand.

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a...

Two Scottish men die in a car crash and go to hell

Two Scottish men die in a car crash and go to hell they both sit in their room laughing and joking about how nice hell is then the devil walks past their room and heres this furious he asks them why they are so content one of the men says hell is so warm we never get temperature like this in Glasgo...

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A guy is outraged after finding his wife having sex with her gym trainer and demands an explanation.

She replies "It was my cheat day."

For every dollar a man makes, a woman makes 80 cents. That is outrageous.

Why is the man only left with 20 cents?

I just don't understand how conspiracy theorists make outrageous claims

5G must have really fried their brains.

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I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.

His new nurse, Evelyn , took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a ...

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On a Saturday morning, three boys come down to the kitchen

and sit around breakfast table. Their mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast,” he says. The mother is outraged at his crude language. She hits him and sends him upstairs. When she calms down, she asks the middle child what he wants. “Well, I guess that ...

The governor of Florida had enough

The governor of Florida had enough of the Florida jokes. It was affecting their tourism and he was always made fun of at the annual governor softball tournament. He sat in his office all day and thought of ways how to change this.

One day, the governor of Alabama called. It was a social call...

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I got called into human resources today because of a couple of incidents and was asked if I knew the difference between left and right wing. Outraged, I told them to fuck off as my politics was my business! They still fired me though...

...turns out aircraft are really expensive to fix.

After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous . He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves

What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

I can't even work here anymore after what my boss said today. I'm in disbelief and I'm outraged.

He said I'm fired.

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An American, a Russian and a Brit are travelling in the Amazon…

….when they are suddenly captured by a group of cannibals.
The chief of the tribe walks upto the three men and asks: “Death, or Ungabunga?”
The American asks: “What’s Ungabunga?”
The chief repeats: “Death, or Ungabunga?”
So the American says: “I have a family and have to get back to them...

How many media outlets does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Outrage! as light socket forced into pairing with light bulb. "I just couldn't imagine this would be happening to me". Light socket is quoted as saying after the incident.


Pressure mounts on controversial home owner who refuses to rule out further forced bulb screw ins.


Associ...

A man and a Genie.

A man found a genie that grants 3 wishes.

The genie said “I can do anything you want within the

bounds of reality. No bringing back the dead or

granting immortality.” The guy having lost so much in

his life asks the genie can you take my pain away? The

genie s...

I'm outraged at the price of helium balloons.

Bloody inflation.

Once there was champion of all candles. Undefeated by all challengers, it was thought to be invincible. When suddenly, at the peak of it's powers, it was found melted to a mere puddle. There was outrage; cries of conspiracy, murder...

Really, I think it just met its match.

"Kneel before me!" demands a portly king. All present kneel, except for one peasant who remains standing casually. Outraged, the king points his scepter at this peasant and barks, "You there, why do you not kneel!?" The peasant responds,

"Considering how long it'd take you even just to get out of that chair, there's clearly no need to rush."

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The prostitutes operation...

An old prostitute tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses car...

Woman Decides To Test Her Husband's Love. Then This Happened... LOL!

Not too long ago, there was a woman who felt that her husband was being distant and unloving.

She wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone.

She decided to write him a letter saying she was tired of him and didn't want to live with h...

My mom recently had to have an amputation done. The doctors said I could watch, but would have to pay an outrageous fee!

Really, it would've costed an arm and a leg!

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An arab was wrongfully taken into custody at the airport..

After feeling humiliated by the incident he decided to hire a lawyer to sue the TSA

The lawyer tells him “I’m sorry this happened to you. Ever since 9/11, your people have been forced to live in fear. This needs to stop! Now tell me exactly what happened?”

The arab goes on to explain h...

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My father's favor joke



Bob is standing a bar having a beer when another man walk up and orders one. After a few minutes Bob notices a smell.

"I smell shit!" he says. He turns to the man next to him, "Did you just shit your pants?"

The guy looks offended, "No, are you crazy?"

Bob goes back ...

On the Duck Dynasty Outrage,....

It's such a double standard.

When a white guy acts bad on TV, people rush to A&E and demand the show is cancelled.

When a black guy acts bad on TV, you don't see people rushing to Fox demanding they cancel COPS.

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When I worked as Tech Support for an ISP I had a woman call outraged that we allowed "filth" on her computer...

After she calmed down slightly she explained that her 10 year old Granddaughter was sleeping over and they were having a "Spa Night" and did a web search on "Facials". . . .I was able to hit the mute button in time to avoid making matters far worse... True Story!

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A woman is having an affair...

... with a man.

One day, her 14-year-old son hides in the closet to watch what they do.Surprisingly, the husband comes home and the wife hides her lover in the closet without realizing that her son is already in there.

Son: " Kinda dark in here."Man: "Yes."Son: "I have a baseball."Man:...

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Governor Abbot wants to build a border wall with Mexico...

So, after a period of bidding, his team shortlists a few contractors and bring them for an interview with the Governor...


First, a Mexican contractor shows up:

\- Hi, I'm going to charge 1 million dollars for each mile of wall.
\- And how come it's going to be so cheap? ...

Late night at Imperial Hotel reception, the phone rings...

- Imperial Hotel, good night.
At the other side a very upset lady.
- This is outrageous! I thought this was a respectful hotel, but I have a naked man in front of my room!
- I'll send someone to check it out, madam.
The employee arrives at the room:
- I see a naked man in a window far...

Geoffrey, a middle aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and ...

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A man walks into a bar carrying a plastic bag

The Bartender asks, "What's in the bag?" The guy doesn't reply. Instead, reaches into the bag and pulls out a lamp, a tiny stool, a tiny piano, and a tiny man in a tuxedo that appears to only be a foot tall. The guy sets the piano down in front of the stool, and the tiny man sits on it and starts pl...

customer - Waiter, I am outraged. There is one hair in my soup.....

customer - Waiter, I am outraged. There is one hair in my soup.
-
Waiter - And what do you expect for this price? A whole wig?!

A weird disease

An old women visits a doctor and says, " Doctor, I have a weird disease, I FART... But for some reason there is no smell or sound. I just farted now but as you can see... no sound.. no smell..nothing".


So doctor gives some medicines and asks her to visit after a week.


After a w...

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Am i gay?

While watching movies with my girlfriend i sometimes compliment male actors on their good, and sometimes outrageous good looks. My girlfriend often asks me, since i do this alot, ”are you gay?” and that she’s worried i will leave her for a man. So, am i gay? Or am i just comfortable enough with my s...

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why.

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why. They finally brought in an expert to fix the problem.

The guy basically walks in, inspects the equipment, takes out a chalk piece, marks one unit with an X mark and leaves.

The plant’s owner replaces the unit and viola! everyth...

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Bernie Sanders goes to a union brothel

Bernie Sanders decides he wants to seek out a prostitute in a brothel, but not just any brothel will do. As a true champion of the working class he will only give his patronage to a true union institution.

He walks into the first brothel and he asks the owner, "if I were to pay $100, how much...

Johnny’s email

A man walks into his office box on a Monday morning.
He checks his e-mails and sees one from his neighbor’s kid, little Johnny.

It reads, "Do you have any naked photos of your wife?"
Outraged the man replies, "NO I DO NOT!"

Shortly after he receives a second e-mail from Little J...

Thumb in the soup at the restaurant

A man goes to a restaurant with his wife. They look at the menu and order some starters and two soups. After placing their orders they start to notice something strange: there is only one waiter and he puts his thumb in the soups of the other customers when he carries them to the tables. The man and...

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.

Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: "Prophet, tell me when you will die!"The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kil...

C and C++ walk into a bar...

After a few hours, C gets sloppy drunk and spills its drink all over C++. Outraged, C++ shouts, "good God C! Have you no class??"

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NSFW A duck walks into a pharmacy...

He approaches the pharmacist and says "I need some teylenol for my headache".

The pharmacist says "Are you paying with cash or card?".

The duck replies "Just put it on my bill".

So the duck goes back the next day approaching the counter and tells the pharmacist "I need some co...

One Sunday morning, an old lady headed to church late..

... because she couldn’t find her hearing aid.
As she was late and did not want to be noticed, she sat in the back, next to a teenager.

The pastor began his preach. To have an example for what he was preaching, he asked, “Everyone who has committed the sin of adultery, stand up.” The old ...

A Man arrives at his small business first thing on Monday morning. He is met by the local Sheriff and his deputies, armed with a warrant for his arrest and a full search and Seizure of his business and assets.

After he is placed in handcuff and read his rights, a Slim mild mannered man in a suit approaches him and identifies himself as an IRS agent.

IRS Agent: “Are you Mr Jones who resides at 188 Boardwalk Rd?”

Mr Jones: “Yes I am”

IRS Agent: “Do you own and run ‘Jones: Fun house...

A man is having issues with his wifi

As any self-loathing individual would do he calls up his service provider who tell him that they’ll have someone look at the router at 10am the next day.

“Odd, this seems like good customer service” he thought to himself. The next morning he wakes up, grabs a cup of coffee and waits, 10am lea...

Why didn’t USA switch from pounds to grams?

Because of mass outrage.

Miniskirt

In the queue at the bus stop is a young pretty lady.
She is dressed in a very tight leather miniskirt and matching leather boots and leather jacket.
The bus comes and it is her turn. When she tries to get on the bus she notices that because of the tight miniskirt she can't get her leg high eno...

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A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for an empty glass

The bartender gives him the glass. Then he says to the bartender "I bet 100$ I can piss into this glass from a meter away without a single drop on the floor". The bartender agrees, puts the glass on a table and stands next to it. The guy takes three steps back, pulls his pants down and starts peeing...

Jabba the Hutt hosts a piano playing competition.

So, several hundred musicians from across many galaxies gather in order to compete. Jabba is also competing, of course, and the song he picks to play is the Faerie's Aire. Now, he gets cybernetic implants just so he can play a complicated piece, but he believes that his piece alone played at a fairl...

A group of mathematicians walks into a bar

The bartender asks, "what can I get you guys?"

The first mathematician replies, "I'll have a beer."

The second mathematician replies, "I'll have a half of a beer."

The third replies, "I'll have a fourth of a beer."

The fourth replies, "I'll have an eighth of a beer." ...

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Mickie and Minnie

Mickie Mouse returns home one day after a long day of work at Disney. He opens his front door to hear a great commotion coming from the bedroom. He quickly runs up the stairs and throws open the bedroom door to find Minnie in bed with his best friend Goofy.

Outraged he gets into a fight w...

A disabled bald eagle gets canceled

I recently signed a publishing deal on my inspirational children’s book about Ebert the one winging eagle who overcomes his disability and learns to fly. It is quite the heartwarming tale but I had to call it off due to all the backlash. People were outraged that he was literally a right wing extrem...

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I live about a four miles from my favorite pub - The Horse Brass.

It’s a 10 minute drive. I had a couple pints with my buddies and walked out to the car, and realized I needed to take a piss. Walk back? Nah, just get home, it’s 10 minutes.

About halfway home I realized the beer pee was filling fast so I pulled in behind the Walgreens where the dumpsters ar...

Just after the US Civil War, a handsome and proper Texan Colonel, a beautiful young debutante, and a foppish city boy from the east found themselves travelling by train through the heartland of Texas.

As they rode in silence, the Texan couldn't help but notice the city boy kept staring at the young woman. He scowled his disapproval each time he caught the boy's eye, but the boy kept staring at the woman.

Finally, the city boy screwed up his courage, placed his hand on the debutante's knee,...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington D.C. One from Bangladesh , another from India and the third, from China.

The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 profit for me)".

The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figur...

Today our leaders closed of the southern border preventing people from coming to our country for a better life a better education and much needed health care!

As a Canadian I am outraged!

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A principal notices a Post-It on a locker.

"Jocks of JFK High! This small change in diet can boost your physique FOREVER! Head to the gym to find out how!"

Puzzled, he pulls it off and continues down the hall. Just a few lockers down, another catches his eye.

"Hey goth girls! Tired of dark eyeliner that just runs all day? One ...

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So a guy walks into a bar....

and asks the bartender "I want to have a Rum and Coke." So the bartender reaches under the table and hands the guy an apple. The guy confused and said "i asked for a rum and coke not a damn apple." The bartender says "just take a bite." So he bites into it and says "holy shit this tastes just like R...

So a blonde goes to a lying competition

The goal of the competition is to tell the most convincing, outrageous lie. The blonde thinks for days and days over what lie she is going to tell but she is never able to come up with a good one.

On the day of the competition, she walks up on stage, still lacking a good lie. She reaches for ...

The guy at the bar

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. 

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just...

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Jim Bob stays out too late

Jim Bob stays out drinking.

Jim Bob went to a bar after work and time got away from him. He stayed out too late and began to panic because his wife was going to be furious. Jim Bob became so nervous he vomited all over his shirt.

“Oh No! I’ve really done it now!” Jim Bob exclaimed in ...

I was in the supermarket the other day when this guy threw a block of cheddar at me.

Outraged, I shouted : "Well that's not very mature is it ?"

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway from which you could see the back gardens of these mansion like houses on the street. He looks into a garden and sees a man in a suit crying and looking at the pool.

The man in suit fills his pockets with rocks and suddenly jumps into the po...

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A rich single man is having a drink by himself in a bar

when a gorgeous woman enters. Everyone is staring at her. The guy thinks to himself, "there's no way in hell I have a chance with her." But, lo and behold, she sits down next to him and has a drink. The two get to talking, and the man learns that she is a hooker. A few drinks in, the man says, "I'm ...

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A hooker walks into a bar...

A hooker is sitting at the bar when a date walks up.

“How much for a handjob?”he asks the hooker

$500

$500?!?!? That’s outrageous!

Hooker points out the window to a Ferrari
“Honey, see that Ferrari out there? I bought that car by giving the best handjobs.”

They...

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A Chinese man walks into a bar and sits right next to a Jewish man.

The Jewish man starts eyeing the Chinese man suspiciously, a dark expression covering his face. Suddenly, with no warning at all, he stands up, grabs the Chinese man by the neck, smashes his face against the bar and throws him to the floor.

The Chinese man, dazed and angry, stands up and con...

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Lizzard

So, not mine, but my favourite. Worth a read, I promise.




Lizard Birth

If you' ve raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish,
the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

I had to take my son's...

The Bulgarian Train Conductor

Most kids want to become a firefighter or astronaut when they’re older. This man, however, really wanted to become a train conductor. Unfortunately, he gets the job and he loves it. But one particular day, he’s enjoying his job a little too much. He’s driving too fast and accidentally derails the tr...

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A guy is sitting in a bar, drinking heavily...

Suddenly he throws up down the front of his shirt and starts sobbing to himself. "What's wrong?", the bartender asks. "I can't go home like this. My wife would rip my head off if she saw me staggering through the door in this state." "Aha!", said the bartender, "here's what you'll do. Put a 20 dolla...

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A girl meets a guy at the donation clinic.

He asks her, "So what are you donating today?". She replies, "I'm giving blood, I get $25 for it! What are you here for?". He smiles and says "Oh I'm donating semen. I get $150 for it." The girl is shocked and outraged. The next month, the same guy sees the same girl and asks, "Oh you here giving bl...

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Once, in a faraway land, there was this doctor who was a professional trickster...

This doctor was quite popular, but he had a big, bad secret; he deceives people. How? Well, let's just say a patient walks into his office with an illness. The doctor, after doing some checkups, gives his prescription for a medicine, which he even gives for free. It turns out, however, that the medi...

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One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my front door step, drinking a beer and watching my girlfriend mow the lawn.

The lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" I smiled and calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass".

A tourist is at the Sea of Galilee and is looking for a boat trip

A tourist is at the Sea of Galilee and is looking for a boat trip. He asks the boatman how much would it cost.

The boatman: 100 dollar.

The tourist: That's outrageous, it can't cost this much

The boatman: But Jesus himself walked on these waters!

The tourist: Yah,no w...

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[NSFW] [LONG] A soldier returns home from Iraq...

Greeted by his wife, he hugs her tight, and she's ready to jump his bones. He stops her however, and tells her, "Baby, while I was away, I want you to know, I didn't stray in thought or body. I spent every waking moment thinking of you, and in that process, I developed a new trick." This certainly h...

A man is dying. He goes to his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer.

Terrified he won't have any money in the afterlife, he leaves each of them $10,000 in cash on the solemn promise they'll put the money in his coffin when he dies.

Afterward, the priest, the doctor and the lawyer wind up in the same limo together.

After an awkward silence, the priest sa...

A teenage boy tells an old lady her fence is broken, and says he could fix it, for a small fee

The lady thinks its an honest job, and her fence did broke a few days ago.

"But wait, what are you going to do with the money?"

"Oh, ma'am, I intend to buy a car!" Answers the boy.

"That is wonderful! Good to see a young gent already thinking about his future, and doing some hon...

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Lenin in Poland

The communist party of Poland decided to celebrate the anniversary of Lenin’s birth. They approached a famous painter and asked him for a painting titled “Lenin in Poland”. The painter hated communism, but he agreed to do it on the condition that he will have total artistic freedom and everyone will...

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Little Johnny

Teacher gets mad at Little Johnny because he missed the class.

Why did you missed the class Johnny? You knew we had very important test today.

Well, it’s the mating season and I had to take our bull to the neighbors cow for mating.

This is outrageous, yells the teacher. You a...

The Pope dies and goes to Heaven...

When he gets there, he finds he's being judged at the same time as Donald Trump. Saint Peter declares that the pope is going to hell and Trump is going to heaven. The pope is outraged and asks how someone as pious as he is going to hell, and someone like Trump could achieve heaven. "Well," says Sain...

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Nescafe and the Lord’s Prayer

The marketing Director of Nescafe manages to meet with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers: 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if ...

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