I bought a belt with a clock as a buckle.

When I put it on I couldn't read it.

What a waist of time!!!!

They make wrist watches, and pocket watches. I finally figured out why they don't make belt buckle watches:

It's a waist of time.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

I tried to invent the first watch that was located on your belt buckle

It was a waist of time

I was at the nightclub and a lady said "That is a nice looking belt buckle"

I told her "Thanks, but it will look even better pressed against your forehead."

1, 2, buckle my shoe. 3, 4, your mom’s a

..dorable

A crusty, old pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender notices a giant ship's wheel protruding from his belt buckle.

As the bartender sets down the drink, his curiosity gets the better of him, so he says, "Hey, forgive me for staring, but I couldn't help but notice that giant ship's wheel on your crotch. What's that all about?"

To which the pirate replies, "Aye matey, 'tis no real mystery you see, but it's ...

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This is kinda offensive so buckle up

What do you call a black man who's very good at magic? A negromancer

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A little Texas joke

A young man in Oklahoma turns 21. Excited, he tells his father, “I want to finally go to Texas.”

His father warns, “Scooter, you’re a full-grown man, now. I can’t stop you from going to Texas. But I have to warn you… **EVERYTHING IS BIG IN TEXAS!** You can’t be prepared for how absolutely hug...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel for a belt buckle

Bar tender says "I like the belt buckle"
Pirate replies "Arrgh, it's drivin me nuts"

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A man gets pulled over...

Cops walks over:

Cop: Sir, you know how fast you were going?

Man: I have no idea officer, just paying attention to the road, I guess.

Wife: Bullshit! You were going 90! I told you to slow down! Slow down! But noooooo!!

Man (quietly): shut the fuck up

Cop: I notic...

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Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Please give just a small donation of $10....

...and we will send you the video; it's fucking hilarious!

An Admiral was visiting one of his ships. While having tea, he noticed that every biscuit had the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is very impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.


Cook, "When rolling the biscuits, I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven."


Admiral, "That's pretty unhygienic !!"


Cook, "In that case Sir, I'd suggest you skip the...

His name is Rube Goldberg

that name rings a bell, which sets off a trap that undoes a buckle and releases a ball that rolls down a pipe and...

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Bill was a horny man who had just been deployed to a US army post in another country far away from the US.

Bill slept in a room, that had lots of bunk beds, about 15 and it was usually silent at night. You could hear a pin drop. Bill had his urges but he would not surrender, the power of the nut would not defeat him.

Well, eventually it did and one not trying to be as silent as possible he tried t...

Why did the kid cross the road?

He forgot to buckle his seatbelt

How can you tell that Wrestling is tougher than Rodeo?

When you win at Rodeo you get a buckle but win Wrestling and they give you the whole belt!

( ಠ ͜ʖಠ)

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Three warriors and a female troll enter the Colosseum.

The first, wielding a sword, attacked the massive lady-beast head on but was quickly dispatched. The 2nd, wielding a flail was picked up and thrown across the arena like a toy. The 3rd warrior knew he could not defeat the troll by conventional means and with that, he charged at the troll as fast as ...

The Penguin Joke

One day a cop pulls over a van and when he walked up to the drivers window he sees a flock of penguins buckled into the seats.

The cop asks the driver "are those penguins?"

The driver says "yes, they are my pets."

The cop replies to the driver "You need to take them to the zoo i...

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A bear is chasing a rabbit through the forest when they stumble across a magic lamp.

The rabbit picks up the lamp, and rubs it. Out comes a genie, and it grants them both 3 wishes.

The bear, now focused on the wishes, decides to test the genie’s limits. He says, “I wish every other bear in the forest were female!”

The rabbit simply says, “I wish for a motorcycle helmet...

I got into a bad fight with my girlfriend last night. It turned ugly because she thought I cheated, and I hadn't

We’re in the kitchen and she tries to hit me with a Spatula. I react pretty quickly but all I have is a dish to block it with; but it’s simply no match.

All hell breaks loose when she tried to go for the midsection with Knives. I got lucky and was defended with my well-placed Buckle. It’s ge...

If you get pulled over and you have some Coke in your car, you’re likely to get arrested.

However, if you get pulled over and you have some Pepsi in your car, you’re likely to make a new friend.

Remember to always brush your seatbelts, buckle your teeth, and drink Pepsi.®️

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When i go down....

Jean Pierre, popularly known as JP among his friends was a fighter jet pilot of the French air force.

One day he took his girlfriend to the park for a picnic. Since he wanted to be really romantic, he packed the picnic basket himself.

Hours later, JP and his girlfriend were having a g...

Police Officer: "Why did you run that red light back there!!?

Me: "Are you a Cain Velasquez fan?"

Officer: (looks surprised) Yeah, big fan".

Me: "My damn knee buckled when I tried to hit the brake."

Officer: (Puts his head down) You can go

Old one but still my favorite bartender joke.

A pirate ship captain walks into bar. He shanties up to the counter and slaps has grizzled hand on the bar.

“Yar matey, give me a drink!” he says to the bartender.

The bartender looks over at him, but before he says anything he notices a full-size nautical steering wheel attached to ...

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A man and his wife went to a fancy dinner party at a friend’s estate...

...while there, the husband, feeling the luxurious meal, embarks on a journey to the restroom. After a good bit of time he returns and his wife begins to ask if he is feeling alright.

Interrupting, he enthusiastically describes “the most beautiful, wonderful toilet anybody has ever seen! Made...

An Easterner is visiting the West, and sees a man rounding up cattle on horseback.

He's wearing a ball cap, t-shirt, and tennis shoes. When the rider gets closer the guy waves him down and asks, "Hey, are you a cowboy?" The cowboy answers," Yep, I sure am." The guy asks, "Where's your Stetson, belt buckle, and cowboy boots?" The cowboy answers, "I don't want people to think I'm a ...

A man and his girlfriend were driving in their car.

The girlfriend (in the passenger seat) start to remove her top and then trousers. As this is happening the man is finding it harder and harder to keep his eyes on the road. But the time the girlfriend is naked, the man hasn't looked at the road for some time. All of a sudden they hit a bend and smas...

A man is driving down the freeway when the traffic comes to a standstill...

He looks ahead to see what the problem is and notices an overturned truck. When he gets a better look, he notices that it's a truck that was filled with penguins who are now all waddling around the freeway.

He sees two police officers frantically trying to shepherd the penguins to safety and...

Navy biscuits

An Admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
...

1008 AD - A tall knight is summoned by his lord...

On the way to the lord's castle, the knight, one Sir Richard of River's Bank is surprised to see that the fields are empty, and the serfs are nowhere in sight. When he arrives, he asks his lord if the summons has anything to do with the absence of the workers in the field, and his lord replies that...

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Have what it takes to become a Monk?

Thomas decieded to live his life in service to the Lord. So he went to the nearby monastery to join the Benedictine order of monks there. Thomas was welcomed by Brother John, who gave him a tour of the monastic life. Thomas was excited and eager to join.

Brother John laid out the conditions o...

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I couldn't quite click my seat belt together the other day...

Then it buckled...wait...shit.

Avoiding Turbulence

I was flying in a small plane that was headed into a storm, and we started going through some bad turbulence. I buckled my seat belt, curled against the window, and closed my eyes.

"What are you doing?" my wife asked.

"I can't make the turbulence stop," I said, "but I can go to sleep ...

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Two lions split up their territory. One takes New Mexico, the other takes Texas.

Two lions split up their territory. One takes New Mexico, the other takes Texas. After the winter, they meet up again. The Texas lion is all skin and bones by the end of it.

The New Mexico lion says, "What the hell happened to you? You must have been doing something wrong with your hunting."<...

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From a Southwest Airlines employee

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to Chicago. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of ca...

There is a farmers convention in Michigan...

One guy's walking around in a big stetson hat, cowboy boots, giant belt buckle, all the markings of a Texan. He walks up to one of the Michigan farmers and asks, "how many acres you got?"

The farmer, rather proud of his large land, replies "I got about 1200 acres."

"Ha," the Texan rep...

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A city boy shoots a duck...

And it lands on the property of a farmer. As the boy walks up to retrieve his fresh kill, the farmer stops him and clears his throat.

"S'cuse me son, but that's my duck", grumbles the Farmer.

"Well I shot it so its mine", argued the City Boy.

That you did, but it landed on my ...

The three biggest lies in Wyoming...

"I won this belt buckle in a rodeo, my trucks paid for and I was just helping that sheep over the fence."

I went out to buy a belt.

I went to many different stores but none fit me. Either too big or too small.

Finally, the fifth store I came to had one that fit just right.

Just one.

Only problem was, instead of the buckle there was a watch. I mean who would put a watch there??

I decided to buy it ...

So Jan gets a job driving a school bus.

The first day of school, Jan is given the bus she's to drive. She's driving an elementary-school route, so the inside of the bus has been decked out with Sesame Street characters; muppets pasted on every wall. Jan shrugs and gets started on her route.

The first kid is a super fat little girl...

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Not one bit.

"KSSSHHHT. This is your captain speaking. As you all know, this will be my last flight. It has always been my dream to do a loop-the-loop, and was wondering if you all would enjoy experiencing that with me today? It would really mean the world to me..."

The 1st Class and Coach cabins go wild ...

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An old mechanic friend helps a drunk. (Kinda long, sorry.)

I was talking to this grizzled old mechanic friend one time, he looked like an old version of Yosemite Sam. Had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, sounded like an old cowboy, his big ol' handlebar mustache wiggling and twitching with every word. Suddenly he starts telling this story about how he ...

Grandma went to the hospital saying she felt a lump on her breast...

Turns out it was her belt buckle.

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A fortune 500 company opened a brand new sales territory deep in the heart of China. This area was so remote that few foreigners had ever been there before.

The company decided to send it's
best salespeople there one at a time, for one
month each. The idea being to aquaint them with
the people and customs of the region.
Well, the first salesman spent a month there and
then it was another salesman's turn. The two of
them meet at a rem...

What's the difference between an Irish Catholic and a Roman Catholic?

A few notches on the belt buckle.

The three holes

So a straggler is making his way across the land when he comes across a farm. Needing a place to sleep, he begs the farmer to let him stay the night. The farmer agrees, and tells him to bunk up in the barn out back.

In the barn, the straggler meets another man who is staying in the barn. He ...

Why did Princess Diana Cross the Road?

She wasn't buckled in.

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