UPJOKE
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My wife says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please don’t make that happen, she has been dying to try that strap-on on me forever.

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A seller at a flea market told a lady that an old mirror was magic and could grant wishes

She bought the mirror and brought it home. Looking for a suitable place to hang it, she settled on the back of the bedroom door. Taking a moment to collect her thoughts and wishes, she faced the mirror and pronounced, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my breasts size forty-four!” Instantly, her bra...

There was this man in Russia who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but one person died. He went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, ...

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Woody Allen's Moose hunting joke

I shot a moose once. I was hunting upstate New York, and I shot a moose. And I strapped him onto the fender of my car. And I'm driving home along the West Side Highway, but what I didn't realize was that the bullet did not penetrate the moose. It just creased the scalp knocking him unconscious. And ...

A New Navy Recruit Details His First Day On The Submarine…

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 mi...

It's quite ironic that "strap on"…

…backwards, spells 'no parts'…

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Going to hell

Johnny died and arrived in Hell.

He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder, gentler, more customer focused Hell, each person is offered three choices of torture.

The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1,000-year cycles and you could pick which cycle to begin w...

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Gunfighter

Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the old West. As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find. His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed of being just like his hero.One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and tw...

My friend bought a belt with a strap made out of dollar bills and a buckle made out of dimes and nickels.

What a waist of money.

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What do you call a stripper

What do you call a stripper with a strap on?

Strapped for cash!

An orchestra is performing Chopin

Halfway through the performance a cellist bursts into the concert hall, late and drunk as a skunk. He then pushes his way to his seat and starts awkwardly sawing away at his cello as if nothing was awry.

The conductor was furious! He snapped his baton and dove at the cellist, choking him to d...

A famous physicist, an old man, and a boy scout are taking a tourist flight in a small plane.

A famous physicist, an old man, and a boy scout are taking a tourist flight in a small plane. After they reach cruising altitude, the pilot suddenly has a heart attack. His last words before he dies are, "There are two parachutes over there ... good luck."

Before they can even talk about how...

My wife bought a strap-on and she announced she wants to try "pegging"...

I've been taking it pretty hard.

Parachute lessons

So, I'm on a flying plane, taking my parachute jumping lessons. One of the guys told me: "Wait here, stay close to the door, the instructor will strap himself to you and you'll jump together. Don't do anything without your instructor, he has the parachute, he knows everything and he will guide you o...

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A man gets to his plane seat and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him

Once in the air, the stewardess comes round and the man asks her for a coffee. The parrot meanwhile squawks: “And get me a fucking whisky, you bitch.”

The stewardess, somewhat taken aback, remains composed and brings a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this ...

Has anyone else noticed that “strap on”

Is “No parts” backwards. How ironic

What do you call a straight woman with a strap on?

Peggy

I walked down the street and saw a man with a mattress strapped to his back

I stopped him and asked what it was for,

He said “you know my father always said I should have something to fall back on”

Smart

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog wha...

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Did you hear about the sex worker who was so hard up for money that she agreed to be a bottom in BDSM?

She was strapped for cash!

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If a bra is an over-the-shoulder-Boulder-holder, what do you call a jock strap?

An under-the-butt-nut-hut!

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A horny old cougar is getting help with her groceries by a strapping young bagboy.

A horny old cougar is getting help with her groceries by a strapping young bagboy.
As he's pushing the cart through the parking lot, she rubs up against him and says
"I've got an itchy pussy..."
The guy doesn't say anything and just keeps pushing the cart.
She rubs up on him again and r...

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Compatibility

A woman was sitting alone at a bar and a man approached her. He asked her why she looked so sadly. She responded that her boyfriend had just broken up with her because she was too kinky.

The man expressed his amazement when he admitted that his girlfriend had dumped him because of his f...

What do you call a dinosaur with a strap on?

Pegosaurus Rex

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

I had my first parachute jump today and was so terrified! This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane and as we plummeted, he said...

"So, how long have you been an instructor?"

Man goes to a Halloween party in nothing but his underwear and a woman strapped to his back.

His friend sees him and says, "Hey, what are you meant to be?"

"Oh, I'm dressed as a turtle" he replies

His friend responds, "A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who's that woman on your back?"

The man replies, "oh, that's just Michelle"

You're being strapped into the electric chair.

What happens next will SHOCK you.

Did you hear about the terrorist who strapped bombs loaded with Coronavirus to his chest?

He blew up and went viral.

My friends said they'd pick me up for the drive by so I strapped up and waited for them on the porch...

They yelled, its Karen's birthday we have signs and balloons for you why the f*** do you have a gun??

What does a man strapping down a load in his truck and this joke have in common?

You look at it and say, “That’s not going anywhere.”

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and
pass in front of a very large gorilla, the
gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars,
holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting
and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is
obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy
dress....

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Did you hear about the porn star who did bondage movies?

She was strapped for cash.

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A man obsessed with trains gets a job driving one in a faraway country...

Some day, for absolutely no reason, he goes a little crazy and starts speeding up more than he should. In a winding curve, he loses control and the train goes off track killing hundreds of people. He goes to court and is sentenced to the capital punishment for the murder. On the death row, the execu...

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remember when jokes like this were funny... before smartphones?

A chap walks into a pub carrying two suitcases. He puts them down and orders a drink. As he pays the barman notices that he is wearing a large watch.

'That's a large watch' says the barman (see I told you!)

'This watch,' says the man, 'is the very latest in high tech gadgetry. It'll te...

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Confucius did NOT say

>Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

>Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

>Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

>Woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom

>Squirrel who runs up woman’s' ...

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

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A girl once asked if I like being fucked in the ass with a strap on.

I responded, "You have me pegged."

A strapping young man joins the sheep camp, but soon feels an ache in his loins.

Being up in the mountains, far from the nearest brothel, he asks the other shepherds what they do. They all say, "pick a sheep and have yer fun!" Turning beet red, he's sure they're messing with him, so he decides to wait.

A couple weeks later, he's really desperate, so he asks again. Again, ...

A girl picked me up from bar, took me to her place , blindfolded me, promised to show me the time of my life , and pegged me with her strap on. My friend says I was assaulted.

I failed to see the problem.

My wife says if this post gets 1,000+ upvotes then we can get freaky on my cake day.

Please don't, the handcuffs are bad enough, the whip and strap-on are huge!

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Girlfriend says if this gets a thousand up votes she'll let me try anal

please don't her strap on is huge

The bicyclist

A bicyclist walks into a bar wearing his bike helmet with a headlamp strapped on it for riding at night. "Nice head light," the bartender comments as he gets the biker a beer. "Yeah, it gets dark so early, I had to get it for riding at night," the biker says. "It makes me look like a miner." "No," t...

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Skydiving (long)

Once there was a man who decided to fulfil his lifelong dream and go skydiving. So he went to the airport and signed up for a class. Upon arriving for the class, he discovered that the teacher was an elderly Indian gentleman. (East Indian, not Native American)

"Good day, good day everyone and...

And old man visits a priest

An older man was riding his moped in a snowstorm to visit a priest to tell him that his 12th child had been born that day. Since the man was old and had a bit of trouble hearing, he thought ahead to what the priest would say so he could answer him.

”First he’ll say hello and then he’ll proba...

What do you call a T-Rex with a bomb strapped to it's chest?

Dinomite

A man in Bulgaria drives trains

A man in Bulgaria drives trains for a living. He made decent money, enough to support himself. One day, he got tired while conducting and fell asleep. The train ended up crashing and killing one person aboard.

He went to court and pleaded guilty. The judge ordered Death by Electrocution. Late...

A death row criminal was strapped onto the electric chair waiting for his execution

Executioner: Any last request?

Criminal: I just want to see one last clickbait article.

Executioner: What happens next will shock you.

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An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman.

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what he does sexually, the wife never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and made the following suggestion: ...

When I'm bored I love seeing how many different watches I can strap onto my wrists.

I have too much time on my hands.

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What do you call a guy with a pencil strapped to his pecker?

Dick Tracy.

Covid vaccine side effects

So I’m in line for my covid vaccine and there’s an older gentleman in front of me…

We get called up simultaneously and both get sat next to each other.
I over heard his discussion with the doctor…

“What’s is your insurance? Date of birth? When was your last appointment?”

The...

Husband: Hey baby, hold my jock strap.

Wife: That's disgusting why would I hold your jock strap?

Husband: Well I always hold your purse for you.

Wife: That's not remotely the same.

Husband: Why not, they both hold our junk.


Credit to /u/WhistleWhileYouLurk.

My eyesight improves if I strap an address book to my face.

I wear contacts.

A cheesemaker is hard-strapped for cash...

He decided to get a Provolone.

A great big bird with a long neck strapped me into a chair and put a gun to my head.

I guess you could say I was held ostrich.

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A businessman was going on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

So he went to a sex shop and started looking around. He goes up to the clerk and explains his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, strap ons, eggs, bullets, wing-wangers and fling-flongers..."

The Businessman in...

Two priests and an engineer travel back in time to the French Revolution

All three of them in short order find themselves arrested and sentenced to death by guillotine.

The first priest walks up the scaffold and gets strapped to the guillotine and the blade comes flying down and-- stops an inch above his neck! "It's a sign from God!" he cries. "You have to let me...

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An angry man walked into a Taverna one evening, and yelled "I hate the Greeks!"

He looked around, at the light blue wall paper, with the white Grecian key pattern going around the top. He stared into the eyes of the bar tender, a strapping young lad with an olive complexion, rich black hair, a glorious unibrow, and piercing green eyes.

"Are you a Greek?" he asked, menaci...

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My Ex and I

My Ex and I explored my Bisexual side.
She got a strap on…
My Hetero sex life is behind me now…

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A man recently separated with his wife is at the local bar drowning his sorrows when a gorgeous young woman walks in.

She makes her way over to the bar.

"What'll it be, miss?" The bartender asks.
"Tequila." Says the woman.

As the bartender pours her drink she notices the guy sitting at the other end of the bar. 'Handsome' she thinks to herself as she turns to the bartender laying out t...

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Last night was the first night ever in a 20 year marriage me and the wife had sex with the light turned on...

I always assumed she used a strap-on.

A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked lady strapped to his back

"What the hell are you supposed to be" Asked the Host.

The man starts to open his mouth but the woman covered it with one of her hands. "I'm a NASCAR racer" The woman respondedz

"How the hell can you be a NASCAR driver when all you're doing is riding a man? The host asks.

"Oh, t...

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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a ...

An American, Brit, and Aussie are about to get executed in Russia.

The executioner approaches the American prisoner and says, “How would you like to die? By firing squad, hung by the neck, or on the electric chair?”

“I’ll take the chair” the American says. So he gets strapped into the electric chair.

When they flip the switch, nothing happens! In Moth...

After 20 years of marriage.....

A woman finds out that her husband has been using a strap-on for the entirety of the marriage, so she confronts him. "What's with the strap-on?"

To which the man replies, "What's with the kids?"

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I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

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After taking his seat on a plane, a young man was startled to see a pigeon strapped in next to him....

After taking his seat on a plane, a young man was startled to see a pigeon strapped in next to him.

After take off, he asked the flight attendant for a cup of coffee, but the pigeon yelled over him "Get me a whiskey, now!"

A few moments later the attendant returned with the whiskey, bu...

did you hear about the time they strapped a Timex watch on an old, flea-bitten dog to see what would happen?

The watch kept ticking, the ticks kept watching.

A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests ...

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My girlfriend said if we get 100 upvotes we'll try anal

So please don't vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me

There was this musician in North Korea

One day, he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself, to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean Orchestra play it live to him in the humble auditorium. The man, not wanting to displease the great leader, did as asked.

The big night arrived, with the musicians stood at the fro...

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polack...

An Irishman, an Italian and a Polack are on death row, awaiting electrocution.
The warden takes the first man, and asks him if he has any last words. He says, 'I'm innocent. Perhaps years from now, evidence will show I"m telling the truth'.
The warden says, 'Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what t...

Engineers gonna engineer

A scientist, a mathematician, and an engineer end up stranded on a small island inhabited by some very reclusive locals. They find themselves in jail the next day for breaking some obscure law that nobody can really explain.

They're sentenced to death. Not that their "crime" was all that sev...

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A man was interviewing for a position with the CIA (Part 3)

It was day three of the interview process for the position with the CIA.

Our guy has to complete a practical exercise of jumping out of a plane.

He gets up there all strapped with the instructor at the jumping altitude. When it gets time to jump though he suddenly gets nervous. The ins...

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A dictator once asked a famous composer if he could write him a brilliant piece of music.

Naturally, the composer was extremely nervous, as the dictator had a habit of giving the death penalty to those who did not please him.

The composer spent weeks working on this piece, and from a musical standpoint it was quite good. So, he gathered his orchestra and performed his piece for th...

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NSFW A farmer sells his peaches door to door

A peach farmer decides to sell his peaches door to door. He knocks on an apartment door and this gorgeous lady wearing a teddy opens the door.
The farmer stutters in surprise and asks if she would like some peaches. He shows her one and “says they are firm, subtle and very nice to the touch.”...

Johnny learns fast…

Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 1: “I saw a strap of your bra.”
Teacher: “Please stay out of school for one week.”

Boy 2 laughed…
Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 2: “I saw both your bra straps.”
Teacher: “Suspended from school for one month.”

Teacher bent down to pic...

Guys, I'm not saying that Flat Earthers, Anti-Vaxxers, and Creationists are unintelligent people but...

there is a reason why shoes with Velcro straps come in adult size.

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The "penguin"

A guy who's strapped for cash asks a prostitute what he can get for $10. She replies, "Well, for 10 bucks I'll give you a 'penguin.'" "Okay... Sure, I'll take it."

So she gets down on her knees, lowers his pants, and begins giving him a blowjob. But right before he is about to cum, she gets u...

A man got hired as a freight train conductor. He wasn't very good and was responsible for significant losses of cargo, but he kept covering it up.

At one point he murdered another man who knew what was happening, and soon he started killing more threats to his position as conductor.

But a few years passed, and the conductor's murder record was discovered. Given the severity of his crimes, he was sentenced to death by electric chair....

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Yesterday my boyfriend asked me to do anal

You should have seen his face when I pulled out my strap-on.

Russian Conductor

(TL;DR at bottom, it's a long joke)

So a Russian train engineer is barreling down a track, and doesn't slow down for three people crossing, killing them instantly. He gets the electric chair as punishment. For what should be his last meal, he asks for a banana. He gets his request, and is ele...

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