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A doctor goes to write some notes on his clip board, when he notices he was trying to write with a rectal thermometer...

"Damn! Some asshole has my pen!"

Why is a roach clip called a roach clip?

Pot holder was taken.

I hate seeing a person clip their nails and leaving it on the floor

especially when we lock eyes through the bedroom window

I read this really intense book about a metal contraption that clips off parts of the body...

It was truly a nailbiter.

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Why did the guy who was into feet spend the entire first day at his new job looking for the perfect porn clip?

He just wanted to get off on the right foot.

What did the paper clip say?

It looks like you're writing unsubstantiated nonsense. Would you like to turn on all caps?

How does the Moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

My Pikachu started eating paper clips, paint chips, pencils...

When I asked her what's wrong, she said "Pica. Pica."

What wouldn't MacGyver be able to escape from using a paper clip?

A desk job

What goes “clip-clop, clip-clop, bang bang?”

An Amish drive-by

My land lord stole all my cloth hanging clips

She is a cliptomaniac.

My favourite TV show is the one that shows funny clips of things being destroyed and everything going wrong!

Or, as some people call it...the news.

Why do they call "roach-clips", "roach-clips"???

because potholder was already taken.

I know it's like a venn diagram of drug jokes and dad jokes.

What do you call a Paper Clip that is not used for paper?

Useless.

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[Long] A man goes to a monastery in the middle of the Himalayas.

The man went to this monastery, because he wanted a break from the busy life of the city. Let's call him Dave.

Since they were in the middle of nowhere, and since he was going to be here a while, he decided to get to know some of the monks there. Apparently he hadn't been the first one to com...

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A sadist and a masochist meet for some kinky time

They go to the sadist's room, full of whips, clips, bondage stuff etc. The sadist slowly goes from one device to the next, eyeing the masochist.

The masochist can't take it anymore and blurts out "Oh yes master, whip me, spank me, hurt me!"

And the sadist, with an evil, horny grin,...

Why is something that keeps you from burning your fingers on a joint called a roach clip?

Because potholder was already taken

There once was a young engineer,

who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place.

He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, an...

TIL: Amy Winehouse spent the last moment of her life watching her own video clips on Youtube before her death.

She must have read the comments.

A guy is crawling through the desert, about to die of thirst and he comes across a magic talking snake...

The snake tells the guy his name is Nate and he'll happily grant him three wishes, so the guy asks for water. Nate slaps his tail on the ground and a gallon of fresh, pure water appears, which the guy proceeds to drink.

"What's your second wish?" Nate asks. The guy thinks for a second and say...

Are you tired of people bothering you? Do you just want to be left alone? L

Carry a clip board around and try to make eye contact with people.

Reagan laying down some jokes about the Soviets. (Youtube clip)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN3z3eSVG7A

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An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band plays, the mayor makes a speech--- the whole works. Makes the front page ...

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3 dogs at a vet

3 dogs were waiting at a vet clinic.

Dog1: I was a very naughty boy, I bit everyone I could and even the masters baby, I am here to be put down. What about you guys?

Dog2: Well I was a naughty boy as well, I just can't wait in one place, and I destroy everything in my masters house, I ...

A statistician, a physicist, and an engineer go on a hunting trip (better ending)

They are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing

The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, but misses the deer 5 feet to the left.

The engineer rolls his eyes and says "you forgot to acc...

My girlfriend: Oh baby I want you to tease me.

Me: Plays three seconds of the SpongeBob Sweet Victory clip.

My Girlfriend: Oooh you dirty tease!

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A guy with 9 mm pistol in both his hand walked into a bar....

*guy: "So I got 9 in the clip and 1 in the chamber, who is the son of a bitch that is fucking my wife??!!!"

*guy in the back: "you gonna need more ammo than that"

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I'm Still A Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had divorced eight husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle with me, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be, you have been married eight times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Politician, he kep...

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A bear climbs up a tree in a man's backyard and won't get down so he calls animal control...

An animal control van pulls up and a man steps out with a pitbull by his side. He comes up to the owner, hands him a semi-automatic rifle and says: "Here is the plan, I climb up the tree and start shaking it, when the bear falls out, my pitbull Fluffy here will bite him by the balls and drag him bac...

Where does a book go to get a trim?

Paper Clips.

A man walks into a bar ...

The first thing the man sees is a big jug of twenty dollar bills.

He asks the bartender "What is with the jug"

"Oh it's for a competition, you have to give me twenty dollars and complete three tasks, if you complete them all then you will win the whole jug." the bartender responds with...

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The Bear and the Hunter

A man goes into a gun shop and buys a rifle to go bear hunting. Five minutes into the woods, he spots a huge grizzly, takes aim and fires… and when the smoke clears, bear is gone. As he's puzzling over this, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and there, towering over him, is the bear....

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FBI interview

The FBI was hiring and after many applicants, narrowed their choices down to 3 men. Each told to appear for a face to face interview and for them to bring their girlfriend/fiancé/wife.


The first man is a 25 year old, just married, still fresh from college. Him and his wife are sitting cl...

Apparently at the end of January, there will be a blood moon combined with a blue moon combined with a supermoon - last time this happened was 150 years ago.

I wonder if news reports will show any clips the next day.

Two men are walking down the street when they notice an enormous hole

The hole appears bottomless and the men, being men, want to see how deep it is. They find an anvil near by, grab a side each, shuffle over to the hole and chuck it in. The anvil drops like a stone but makes absolutely no noise. The men look at each other with a puzzled expression. Suddenly they hear...

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Moose hunting {possible repost}

A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario. He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose.
The next week he returns, and sure enough the hunters have bagged two moose. The p...

What do you put in an oragami gun?

Paper clips.

One day a man decided that he was going to take up shooting...

So he signed up for a concealed carry license class and got his own weapon. When he was done with the classroom portion, they took the class out to the shooting range to shoot some targets. The instructor told them only to shoot the 3 targets across the range. The man hit all 3 directly in the middl...

What was the name of the online barber?

E-Clips



.... Couldn't resist

A man walks into his favorite hairdresser

Man: "Hey, I saw the sign was down. Are you guys closing shop or something?"

Hairdresser: "No, we're just changing the name. People keep making jokes on social media and in school, making a dirty play on words."

Man: "Yeah, I always thought Big Clips was a little suggestive too. I can ...

I saw saw a few nasty surgery .gifs with open-organ operation.

I don't really like surgery videos, but there's nothing I can do, totally clips of the heart.

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My therapist told me that if I have a problem with somebody, I should sever ties with them.

My coworker just asked me what I was doing to his clip-on.

Two men want to go moose hunting in Northern Canada...

They find a guide who tells them he'll fly a plane for them, but they are only allowed to shoot one moose because the small plane cannot hold more than one. He explains that last year two hunters convinced the pilot to carry two moose and the plane went down, killing the pilot and seriously injurin...

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A guy 'recruits' a hiregirl, taking her to a motel where, while he was taking the required shower, she discovered that it's 'that time of the month'

'*What am I gonna do*...' she wonders. '*I already took payment.. they guy's kindda cute... even I'd like to do it... I'll just turn off the lights. He won't notice, and by the time he wakes tomorrow, I'll be long gone!*'

Done deal. After a sexstorm of a night, the guy wakes up next to a ...

What do you call someone obsessed with procuring free pedicures?

A clip-toe-maniac

I told my dad "Look, I got a B in reading!"

He said "That's a D you idiot."

-Rocky Laporte

http://www.cc.com/video-clips/m25nl8/comedy-central-presents-birthday

True Chuck Norris Encounters

A priest, a rabbi, and a potato farmer walk into a bar. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks them all in the face because he already knows this joke won't be funny enough.

A reporter once asked Chuck Norris why he decided to shave his beard. He responded, "I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you...

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Three explorers are in Egypt (long)

and they stumble upon some old ruins. In the ruins they find a big room, with three doors. The first explorer, Henry, goes up to the door and reads: "Who ever enters this door will die a fiery death." He doesn't believe in superstitions, so he goes through the door to find a long hallway. At the end...

You know, studies show that keeping a ladder inside the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun.

That's why I own ten guns. In case some maniac tries to sneak in a ladder!

^(Source: Gravity Falls. Can't find a good clip of the moment)

Walked into a shop the other day.... got 14 stitches

I'm not that good at english so I'm wondering if there's anyone who could explain this joke to me. Couldn't find any explanation even when googleing. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLjxEpKZyvI it's the first clip where Hugh Laurie tells this joke.)

Santy Clause comes down the chimney. [NSFW]

A slim blonde beauty in a tiny bikini flashes her eye's at Santa and says "can't you stay?"

"Hohoho Santa's gotta go 2 feet of snow you know."

"Awww Santa pleeease?" she pleads as she lowers her straps and bites her lips.

"Hohoho Santa's gotta go 2 feet of snow you know."
<...

The Old Man and the Chef

One day, an old man is out for a walk. His walk happens to take him through the local farmer's market, where a chef had set up a booth to make the freshest seafood he could.

As the old man walked by, the chef pulled a still living fish out of a tank of water and set it on his cutting boar...

A computer game character walks into a bar...

I should really turn no-clip off.

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