This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple

Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes

How many narcissists does it take to plug-in an LED lightbulb?

None. They prefer gas lighting.

If they ever put me on life support, please pull the plug.

Then push it back in and see if that works.

I lost my father recently.. I’ll never forget the last thing he said before pulling the plug.

You’re adopted.

Why did the carnivore pull the plug on his wife when she was in a coma

He didn't like vegetables

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having Sex Is Like Charging Your New SmartPhone

*You can flip over your partner and it's still Plug&Play*

What did the outlet say when she found out that the plug was cheating on her?

Wire you doing this?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Initially, I was excited about my mini butt plugs business.

But it's really fallen between the cracks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated, Bluetooth-ready butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out he's already making overpriced toys for assholes!

Why doesn't a coffee maker need that third prong on its electrical plug?

The beans are ground.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Nsfw) What did Donald Duck do with his butt plug?

Rammed it in his butt quack

My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem

I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterd...

A brain and a spark plug walk into a bar...

The brain walks up to the bar and says:
" can i have a beer for my friend and I?"

The barman looks at the brain and goes back to polishing his glass.

The brain tries again: "Can I have a beer please?!?"

"No, not for you. Not today guys." The barman says, not looking up from...

Did you hear about the guy who was assaulted with electrical plugs?

His attackers used a two-prong strategy.

As a plumber's assistant, I'm always being ordered around... "Stop that dripping, plug that leak, for God's sake... turn off the water works!"

It's not my fault, I'm just an emotional guy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I said to the doctor, rather embarrassingly, "I had to stop watching Titanic the other night after my butt plug got sucked up into my arse."

He said, "How far in?"

I said, "The bit where Leo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet get it on."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out, he was already making overpriced toys for assholes

[Obligatory edit: top submitted post is about butt plugs. Wowza! Also, thank you, kind Redditor for the gold! I can't believe a gilded joke is about sex toys :)]

Did you hear about the new store where you can plug in robotic limbs?

It's great even though they charge an arm and a leg.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the butt plug say to the other butt plug.

Nothing because the were both up tight assholes.



A variation on the Tampon classic (i.e. they were stuck up cunts). Sorry if this has been done, it just occured to me as I was walking down the street.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought my girlfriend a butt plug for her birthday

If she likes it she can stick it in her bum.

If she hates it she can shove it up her ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You're lucky it wasn't the black horse!

About a month ago I was driving to my mothers house late on a Friday evening. It was pitch black, so I had the lights on high beam, and I was driving along a country road when all of a sudden my engine cut out. So I pulled over and got out to have a look - sometimes I can fix it myself. It was very ...

I don't know why people complain about USB cables being hard to plug

I always plug them on my 2nd try

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know the most commonly used search term on Google is "butt plug"?

Well, it's not. I just pulled that out of my ass.

My family is putting an electrical plug in our elm tree.

They were going to put it in the bushes, but I convinced them that a tree-prong outlet would be better for the ground.

---------

"Tree-prong outlet" stolen from an engineer I was talking to today, but joke format is all mine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The tallest hotel in the world was streaming a famous Pixar movie when they pulled the plug mid way.

They fucked Up on so many levels.

Why aren’t British electrical plugs allowed to do anything?

They are always grounded.

A spark plug walks into a bar...

Bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

If something doesn't work, unplug it and plug it back in, it fixes it every time.

Except for Grandma.

A teacher speaks to his straight-F pupil

"With grades like this you'll never achieve anything in your life. You'll end up a loser"

Fast forward 20 years later. Retired teacher is deadly ill, only a very risky and expensive surgery can save him.
It happens that the best surgeon in the country knows the old man and aggrees to sav...

If I'm ever on life support, I want you to pull up he plug...

Then wait 10 seconds and plug it back in, maybe that'll work.

Where do plugs like to shop?

The outlet mall.

A man to a psychiatrist:

“How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.” ...

So I heard Microsoft pulled the plug after their chat robot slung slurs, ripped Obama and denied the Holocaust...

I guess there wasn't enough room for two Trumps in the Republican party.

TIL that if you plug your amp into a 12" instead of your 8", you get fireworks.

Whoops. Wrong sub.

I had a job interview...

...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."

I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.

I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"

"You wanna buy it?"

I tried to make some slow cooked pork today

But I forgot to plug in the crock pot before I left for work.


It really sucked coming home to my wife giving me the cold shoulder.

The Club of People That Made Things That Plug Into Computers

There is a prestigious and hard-to-get-into club of people who invented things that plug into computers, like the USB, HDMI, ethernet and so on. This club meets regularly but then, after a few years, the inventor of the USB died. It was a very sad time, but they held a beautiful funeral service for ...

An electrician's son removed one wire from each of his father's power plugs.

His father asks him furiously: Why did you do that? What's wrong with you?

Son: Nothing, dad. It's just a phase.

Father: You're grounded.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 death sentenced prisoners wait for the electric chair

3 prisoners are waiting for their eminent death on their execution day. One Black Man, one White Man, and One Moron. The warden walks up and gets everything set up.

He calls the Black Man forward, "John Jones, sentenced for Murder in the first degree. Any last words?"

"I to this day c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wouldn't say my butt plug the best sex toy...

but it's definitely up there.

My boss asked me to fix the plug on his lamp...

I simply refused.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally left a butt plug up her ass for 2 weeks...

No shit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a new anal plug and a used one?

The taste.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm usually not into butt plugs...

...it's actually the other way around :)

How many Comcast customer service agents does it take to change a lightbulb?

...

Is the lightbulb plugged in sir?

What do you call a square peg that wonders if it could plug a round hole?

Pi-curious.

I was telling 'dumb blonde' jokes in a bar.

Suddenly a muscular blonde-haired man ran right at me with a sharp razor and screamed "I've had just about enough of you!" Luckily for me, I was left completely unharmed, as he couldn't find a place to plug it in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three scientists want to know how long can an organism live without shitting

They try to test it with a pig, so they put a plug in his butthole and start feeding him for days.

The first two weeks the pig is ok, but the third week the scientists see that the pig has become very very fat, so they decide to remove the plug from his ass.

The problem is they don't k...

A man joins the mob and becomes the personal assistant to the Godfather

One day he receives a text message from the boss. "I've been having problems with my wife. Please pull the plug and then call someone in to take care of the matter."

The man knows better than to question the Godfather, so he dutifully carries out the command. He shoots the boss's wife, and th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New truck

My buddy Frank bought a new truck today and the dealer made sure to mention that if the spark plugs get wet that is wont work. So if you know it's going to rain to be sure to put vaseline on them.

He happened to be going to his girlfriend's parents house for the first time tonight and Shiela ...

Life and phone batteries are very similar

When their running low, it’s time to plug them into something or they’ll die.

4 engineers repairing a car

*there are 4 engineers in a car but it doesn't start*

Mechanical engineer: the spark plug must be broken

Chemical engineer: there must be impurities in the gas

Electrical engineer: the contact must be broken

Computer engineer: what if we exit and enter the car ano...

A Grandad and his Grandson are having a conversation

Grandad: Your generation relies to much on technology

Grandson: No, YOUR generation relies to much on technology

*Grandson pulls the plug on his Grandad's life support*

Should You Be Institutionalized?

During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria is that defines if a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub. Then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtu...

So there was this alien who came down to earth

An alien came down to earth and wanted to know how to act. He first stopped by a recording studio, where he heard someone singing “me me ME me me me...”
The alien then repeated, sing slightly off-key “me me ME me me me...”
The next place he went to was a fast food place, where he heard the cas...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OP] Stevie Wonder is visited by a doctor who says that her experimental new procedure can cure his blindness.

Stevie says, "I've lived a great life so far, but it would be wonderful to see again some time before I go." The doctor tells him the procedure is very unorthodox, but Stevie tells her to go ahead and give it a try.

"Ok" she says, "it sounds strange, but for the procedure to work, you will h...

I bought my mother in law a chair for her 50th birthday ..

...but the wife won't let me plug it in.

I came home from work to see a note on the refrigerator: "I'm leaving you, and I'm taking the kids".

So I quickly pulled the plug out...you're not going anywhere!

Back in high school..

...I was a huge metal fan. In math class, I had an 8/10 girl next to me, she turns me on so much. I always try really hard to impress her, she's so hot. The teacher starts passing back last weeks test, and 8/10 looks at me, smiles, and starts playing with her hair. I can't handle it, I start spinnin...

Texan Blonde Ain't Wrong.

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.

They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electri...

One day, workers at a hospital noticed something very peculiar.

Everyday Tuesday, at approximately 11:24 pm, whichever patient was lying in bed 3 in room 152 would inexplicably die, no matter what condition they were in. This phenomenon went on for sometime, baffling scientists and doctors all over the world and starting many conspiracy theories centered on the...

I once toured an mental asylum...

I definitely saw some people who clearly needed to be there and others that seem normal, I asked the asylum doctor/psychologist how they determine if someone is truly 'insane'.

'We fill a bath tub up with water and present the patient with a spoon, tea cup and a bucket. We then ask them to em...

A man calls technical support.

“Word Perfect Technical support; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen ...

There was boy named Billy and he wasn't very smart

He lived with his mother in a small town. Nobody liked him because he was really stupid, least of all his school teacher who was always annoyed with him.

One day Billy's mother came to the school to learn how her son was doing. The teacher plainly told the mother that her son was a complete...

Roman Numerals are very interesting... [LONG JOKE]

You turn on the radio one morning to find another one of those Rap songs where every 4th word is a swear. Naturally the Radio bleeps it out, but you realize that it sounds familiar. You realize that the rappers are speaking in Morse code.

Your eyes widen as you swerve over onto the shoulder ...

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room

talking about many things. The idea of a living will came up and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If I ever come to that just pull the plug."


She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

What is the worst response to "I love you"?

"I'm still pulling the plug Grandma"

What do hospitals and refrigerators have in common?

If you pull the plug, the vegetables start to decompose.

I hate watching Showtime because they are always showing commercials for their own shows.

It’s just Shameless plug after Shameless plug.

Trump is really good about his ears.

He wears ear plugs at loud concerts.
He makes sure his ear wax doesn’t build up.
He keeps the gray hairs growing out of his ears nice and trimmed.

He’s quite possibly the most ear responsible president we’ve ever had.

Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.

You understand it better, but it dies in the process.

See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basic...

Why is space cold?

There is no where to plug in the space heaters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Satan asks God to let him back into Heaven...

God says "Satan, you've betrayed me before, but I am a just and forgiving god. You may get back into Heaven, if you can beat my only son in a programming contest."

Satan and Jesus meet to agree to the terms. The contest is a simple one. God will set a timer for six hours, and both Jesus and S...

The doctor was showing the visitor around the insane asylum

,and showing him a test to decide whether people should be admitted as patients. "We fill a bathtub with water and we hand the person a teaspoon, a cup, and a pail." "Oh," says the visitor, "So the normal person will use the pail to empty the tub." The doctor replied, "No, actually, a normal person ...

They Just Released Stephen Hawking's Last Words

"1 percent battery life remaining. Please find nearest charger and plug in device"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While in town today I saw a homeless woman and I remembered seeing something on facebook about giving them feminine products instead of money.

Feeling suddenly very generous I rushed into Boots and two minutes later presented the homeless woman with a carrier bag.

She thanked me, looked in the bag and with tears in her eyes asked me.


"Where the fuck am I going to plug an iron in?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kinky Sex

A man was sitting at a singles bar when he was approached by a woman.

"Excuse me, but is this seat taken?" She asked him, motioning to the empty seat next to him.

"No, It isn't." He said. The woman sat down.

"Well, now that I'm sitting here, would you mind buying me a drink?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave is playing poker at friends house with a group of mates.

As the game progresses, the urge to unload his bowels becomes overwhelming. Deciding he can't hold on any longer, he runs to the toilet, mid hand, to take a dump.

After unloading a poop King Kong would be proud of, he flushes the toilet, it won't stop going! Filthy poo water starts pouring o...

Any last words?

Three criminals get the death penalty - the method of execution is by electric chair.

 

On the day of the execution, the first criminal sits in the chair. The guard asks him: "Any last words?", to which the criminal says: "I believe in God and I know for sure that He will pro...

Man thinks he has all the power...

...but the power comes from the socket, not from the plug.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.