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What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?

A manhole cover

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My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple

Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes

Fitted sheets were the original USB plug

You put it on and it’s wrong. You turn it once and it’s still wrong. You turn it back and then it’s right.

A mouse touched one of my home's electric plug point and died

Looks like i found a shocking new way to get rid of vermin

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I have a question about butt plugs...

Are they always a pain in the ass?

If they ever put me on life support, please pull the plug.

Then push it back in and see if that works.

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I was advised I should always go for a flared end when trying butt plugs

I realised waiting in A&E that they didn't mean a twirl and curtsey.

How many narcissists does it take to plug-in an LED lightbulb?

None. They prefer gas lighting.

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I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated, Bluetooth-ready butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out he's already making overpriced toys for assholes!

I lost my father recently.. I’ll never forget the last thing he said before pulling the plug.

You’re adopted.

Why did the carnivore pull the plug on his wife when she was in a coma

He didn't like vegetables

The girlfriend ask her boyfriend.

What will happen if i pulled the plug when you are in the middle of your game.

The boyfriend replied.

I will treasure the time with you, deepen our relationship, so that one day we can get married. Have 1 or 2 kids in our happy family and grow old together. And when we are too old, w...

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Three men arrive in Heaven at the same time.

As they approach the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter appears before them.

"The rules are simple: to get into Heaven, first you have to tell me how you die. If I'm satisfied with your story, you can come in."

The first man steps forward.

"Imagine this. You come home to your sixth-floo...

As a plumber's assistant, I'm always being ordered around... "Stop that dripping, plug that leak, for God's sake... turn off the water works!"

It's not my fault, I'm just an emotional guy.

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I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out, he was already making overpriced toys for assholes

[Obligatory edit: top submitted post is about butt plugs. Wowza! Also, thank you, kind Redditor for the gold! I can't believe a gilded joke is about sex toys :)]

So I was visiting the mental hospital

and I said to the doctor "How do you find out if someone needs to come here, then?" and he said "Oh, we set them a simple test. We take them into the bathroom and we show them a bath full of water, and we say we want them to empty it and we offer them a choice between a teaspoon, a coffee cup or a b...

I went to jail for plugging in my phone

It was a battery charge.

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Me every time I plugged the toilet...

Piece. Of. Shit.

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Initially, I was excited about my mini butt plugs business.

But it's really fallen between the cracks.

Why doesn't a coffee maker need that third prong on its electrical plug?

The beans are ground.

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Have you heard about the butt plug with a USB port?

Now you can really back that ass up!

What did the outlet say when she found out that the plug was cheating on her?

Wire you doing this?

I made a filter plug-in that removes reposts from /r/Jokes

But I don't think it's working properly because I don't see any jokes now

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A brain and a spark plug walk into a bar...

The brain walks up to the bar and says:
" can i have a beer for my friend and I?"

The barman looks at the brain and goes back to polishing his glass.

The brain tries again: "Can I have a beer please?!?"

"No, not for you. Not today guys." The barman says, not looking up from...

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(Nsfw) What did Donald Duck do with his butt plug?

Rammed it in his butt quack

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I bought my girlfriend a butt plug for her birthday

If she likes it she can stick it in her bum.

If she hates it she can shove it up her ass.

Bosnian X-Files

In Sarajevo hospital, at intensive care unit, a patient would die every single Friday at exactly 11 PM, in the very same bed, no matter what their medical condition may have been.

Doctors became extremely worried because they couldn't determine causes of their deaths.

Time passed on a...

Did you hear about the guy who was assaulted with electrical plugs?

His attackers used a two-prong strategy.

How do you know when your hooker is dead?

When you plug it in and she doesn't charge.

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If someone becomes your toilet paper dealer...

does that make them your butt plug?

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I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire

I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.

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Did you know the most commonly used search term on Google is "butt plug"?

Well, it's not. I just pulled that out of my ass.

Did you hear about the new store where you can plug in robotic limbs?

It's great even though they charge an arm and a leg.

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What did the butt plug say to the other butt plug.

Nothing because the were both up tight assholes.



A variation on the Tampon classic (i.e. they were stuck up cunts). Sorry if this has been done, it just occured to me as I was walking down the street.

Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist.

He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a down payment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United S...

My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem

I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterd...

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic

So when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”

TIFU by plugging in the wrong speaker into my computer, causing a blackout in my neighbourhood

Whoops, wrong sub

If something doesn't work, unplug it and plug it back in, it fixes it every time.

Except for Grandma.

Why did the lumberjack pull the plug?

He couldn’t log off.

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I said to the doctor, rather embarrassingly, "I had to stop watching Titanic the other night after my butt plug got sucked up into my arse."

He said, "How far in?"

I said, "The bit where Leo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet get it on."

My family is putting an electrical plug in our elm tree.

They were going to put it in the bushes, but I convinced them that a tree-prong outlet would be better for the ground.

---------

"Tree-prong outlet" stolen from an engineer I was talking to today, but joke format is all mine.

My favorite corny joke ever.

There were 3 aliens that just moved to Earth. None of them knew any English. One day they decided to take up different activities to learn the language.
One alien took a singing class and learned "me, me ,me ,meeee!"
The second alien took a cooking class and learned "Forks and knives, Forks an...

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

**Doctor:** OK plug him back in now

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What do you call an anal sex toy that is constantly self advertising?

A shameless plug

This had me dying

A doctor once told me his patients were failing

I simply pulled the plug and then they passed

I bought a power bank from China.

I plugged in and my phone started charging it.

You are lying on your deathbed

Your family and loved ones surround you, supporting you. You feel reassured, ready to move on, as your wife pulls the plug on life support.

As the machines wind down... you dont die. Your family is ecstatic, the doctors are bewildered. They all cry, saying it is a miracle.

Two hours l...

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The tallest hotel in the world was streaming a famous Pixar movie when they pulled the plug mid way.

They fucked Up on so many levels.

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Q: Why are Men smarter during sex?

A: Because during sex they are plugged

into a fucking Know-It-All.

A spark plug walks into a bar...

Bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Why aren’t British electrical plugs allowed to do anything?

They are always grounded.

A man walks up to the front desk of a psychiatric facility and strikes up a conversation with the psychiatrist there...

The man asks the psychiatrist, “how do you choose who is admitted to your facility?”

The psychiatrist explains, "we fill a bathtub with water and give people a straw, a teaspoon, a glass, and a bucket. Then we tell them to empty the bathtub.”

The man chuckles to himself and beams at...

A Halloween story A Hospital in Alabama got a lot of doctors and medical experts baffled over a string of deaths in an ICU at an exact time and same bed

Doctor 1: It's always 10am i tell you! Then it's Flatline!

Doctor 2: I have 3 patients that has a very good chance to live but also died on that same bed and at the same time.

Doctor 3: Mine too.

Doctor 4: I have a patient in there now and its almost 10am. Shall i get him away f...

If I'm ever on life support, I want you to pull up he plug...

Then wait 10 seconds and plug it back in, maybe that'll work.

In Celebration of my Cake Day, here's a terrible joke: the Olympic Swimmer and his Son

Michael was a famous Olympic Swimmer. Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming. They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament.

The first round was easy. After all, t...

Where do plugs like to shop?

The outlet mall.

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3 death sentenced prisoners wait for the electric chair

3 prisoners are waiting for their eminent death on their execution day. One Black Man, one White Man, and One Moron. The warden walks up and gets everything set up.

He calls the Black Man forward, "John Jones, sentenced for Murder in the first degree. Any last words?"

"I to this day c...

An electrician's son removed one wire from each of his father's power plugs.

His father asks him furiously: Why did you do that? What's wrong with you?

Son: Nothing, dad. It's just a phase.

Father: You're grounded.

TIL that if you plug your amp into a 12" instead of your 8", you get fireworks.

Whoops. Wrong sub.

I tried to make some slow cooked pork today

But I forgot to plug in the crock pot before I left for work.


It really sucked coming home to my wife giving me the cold shoulder.

My boss asked me to fix the plug on his lamp...

I simply refused.

So this guy and his wife are driving home in the rain when a skunk appears...

The guy swerves and strikes the skunk nonetheless. Being an animal lover he stops and assesses the soggy critter. It breathes and he immediately scoops it up. "Quick!" He says to his wife, "warm this skunk in your lap while I drive to the vet!"

"But it's wet and stinky" she protests.
...

The Club of People That Made Things That Plug Into Computers

There is a prestigious and hard-to-get-into club of people who invented things that plug into computers, like the USB, HDMI, ethernet and so on. This club meets regularly but then, after a few years, the inventor of the USB died. It was a very sad time, but they held a beautiful funeral service for ...

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Having Sex Is Like Charging Your New SmartPhone

*You can flip over your partner and it's still Plug&Play*

So I heard Microsoft pulled the plug after their chat robot slung slurs, ripped Obama and denied the Holocaust...

I guess there wasn't enough room for two Trumps in the Republican party.

A man joins the mob and becomes the personal assistant to the Godfather

One day he receives a text message from the boss. "I've been having problems with my wife. Please pull the plug and then call someone in to take care of the matter."

The man knows better than to question the Godfather, so he dutifully carries out the command. He shoots the boss's wife, and th...

Step 1: Name your iPhone "Titanic." Step 2: Plug it into your computer. Step 3: When iTunes says "Titanic is syncing," press cancel. Step 4: Feel like a hero.

Step 1: Name your iPhone "Titanic."
Step 2: Plug it into your computer.
Step 3: When iTunes says "Titanic is syncing," press cancel.
Step 4: Feel like a hero.

Four brothers moved to America, planning to learn English through immersion.

The first brother decided to learn by listening to the radio. He started on a classical/opera station and learned to sing, "Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!” The second brother jumped right in by getting a job at a restarunt and learned to say, "Forks and knives! Forks and knives!" The third brother, following t...

The guy that invented/designed the USB plug died about a month ago.

At his funeral they lowered his coffin into the ground, then pulled it out and turned it around and put it back, then pulled it up again....

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I accidentally left a butt plug up her ass for 2 weeks...

No shit

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What's the difference between a new anal plug and a used one?

The taste.

As soon as I plugged in my laptop, all my files became unreadable.

I guess power corrupts.

A teacher speaks to his straight-F pupil

"With grades like this you'll never achieve anything in your life. You'll end up a loser"

Fast forward 20 years later. Retired teacher is deadly ill, only a very risky and expensive surgery can save him.
It happens that the best surgeon in the country knows the old man and aggrees to sav...

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I wouldn't say my butt plug the best sex toy...

but it's definitely up there.

Back in high school..

...I was a huge metal fan. In math class, I had an 8/10 girl next to me, she turns me on so much. I always try really hard to impress her, she's so hot. The teacher starts passing back last weeks test, and 8/10 looks at me, smiles, and starts playing with her hair. I can't handle it, I start spinnin...

Ole and Sven go to Hell

Ole and Sven, ignoring the -60 degree windchill warnings, froze to death while ice fishing in northern Minnesota and descend to Hell.

Coming to check on his new arrivals from up North, Satan is surprised to find Ole and Sven enjoying themselves, finally removing coats and hats that they've ...

I was telling 'dumb blonde' jokes in a bar.

Suddenly a muscular blonde-haired man ran right at me with a sharp razor and screamed "I've had just about enough of you!" Luckily for me, I was left completely unharmed, as he couldn't find a place to plug it in.

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I'm usually not into butt plugs...

...it's actually the other way around :)

A Grandad and his Grandson are having a conversation

Grandad: Your generation relies to much on technology

Grandson: No, YOUR generation relies to much on technology

*Grandson pulls the plug on his Grandad's life support*

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Three scientists want to know how long can an organism live without shitting

They try to test it with a pig, so they put a plug in his butthole and start feeding him for days.

The first two weeks the pig is ok, but the third week the scientists see that the pig has become very very fat, so they decide to remove the plug from his ass.

The problem is they don't k...

I went to a support group the other day.

The leader asked everyone to share their greatest accomplishment. When it got to me I told them, “I plugged in a usb on the first try once.” The instructor looked at me and said, “I’m sorry, this group is for people with low self esteem. Pathological liars are across the hall.”

What do you call a square peg that wonders if it could plug a round hole?

Pi-curious.

What did the golden male connector said when he plugged himself into the female

Sorry, i couldn't resist

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You're lucky it wasn't the black horse!

About a month ago I was driving to my mothers house late on a Friday evening. It was pitch black, so I had the lights on high beam, and I was driving along a country road when all of a sudden my engine cut out. So I pulled over and got out to have a look - sometimes I can fix it myself. It was very ...

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New truck

My buddy Frank bought a new truck today and the dealer made sure to mention that if the spark plugs get wet that is wont work. So if you know it's going to rain to be sure to put vaseline on them.

He happened to be going to his girlfriend's parents house for the first time tonight and Shiela ...

A day in the life of an IT guy...

Customer: Hi, my computer isn't working.

IT guy: OK, what happens when you try to turn it on?

Customer: Nothing.

IT guy: Can you check to see if it's plugged into the outlet?

Customer: Uhhhh I dunno it's pretty dark back there...

IT guy: ...Can you turn on a light?...

My brother got a Tesla

My brother picked up a Tesla a few months back and it spoiled him for other cars. So last night, I pick him up from the airport in my old Yaris.

After a few minutes of driving, he says, “We need to get you into something all-electric.”

Looking back, I reply, “Best I can afford is a bat...

Smart blonde joke

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric cha...

4 engineers repairing a car

*there are 4 engineers in a car but it doesn't start*

Mechanical engineer: the spark plug must be broken

Chemical engineer: there must be impurities in the gas

Electrical engineer: the contact must be broken

Computer engineer: what if we exit and enter the car ano...

One day, workers at a hospital noticed something very peculiar.

Everyday Tuesday, at approximately 11:24 pm, whichever patient was lying in bed 3 in room 152 would inexplicably die, no matter what condition they were in. This phenomenon went on for sometime, baffling scientists and doctors all over the world and starting many conspiracy theories centered on the...

Life and phone batteries are very similar

When their running low, it’s time to plug them into something or they’ll die.

What is the worst response to "I love you"?

"I'm still pulling the plug Grandma"

I once toured an mental asylum...

I definitely saw some people who clearly needed to be there and others that seem normal, I asked the asylum doctor/psychologist how they determine if someone is truly 'insane'.

'We fill a bath tub up with water and present the patient with a spoon, tea cup and a bucket. We then ask them to em...

Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.

You understand it better, but it dies in the process.

See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basic...

A man calls technical support.

“Word Perfect Technical support; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen ...

Should You Be Institutionalized?

During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria is that defines if a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub. Then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtu...

I bought my mother in law a chair for her 50th birthday ..

...but the wife won't let me plug it in.

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