This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I bought my girlfriend a butt plug for her birthday

If she likes it she can stick it in her bum.

If she hates it she can shove it up her ass.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Have you heard about the butt plug with a USB port?

Now you can really back that ass up!

My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem

I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterd...

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Initially, I was excited about my mini butt plugs business.

But it's really fallen between the cracks.

Why doesn't a coffee maker need that third prong on its electrical plug?

The beans are ground.

A brain and a spark plug walk into a bar...

The brain walks up to the bar and says:
" can i have a beer for my friend and I?"

The barman looks at the brain and goes back to polishing his glass.

The brain tries again: "Can I have a beer please?!?"

"No, not for you. Not today guys." The barman says, not looking up from...

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I said to the doctor, rather embarrassingly, "I had to stop watching Titanic the other night after my butt plug got sucked up into my arse."

He said, "How far in?"

I said, "The bit where Leo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet get it on."

As a plumber's assistant, I'm always being ordered around... "Stop that dripping, plug that leak, for God's sake... turn off the water works!"

It's not my fault, I'm just an emotional guy.

My girlfriend asked me to fix a plug today...

I refused

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What did the butt plug say to the other butt plug.

Nothing because the were both up tight assholes.

​

A variation on the Tampon classic (i.e. they were stuck up cunts). Sorry if this has been done, it just occured to me as I was walking down the street.

I don't know why people complain about USB cables being hard to plug

I always plug them on my 2nd try

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(Nsfw) What did Donald Duck do with his butt plug?

Rammed it in his butt quack

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated, Bluetooth-ready butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out he's already making overpriced toys for assholes!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out, he was already making overpriced toys for assholes

[Obligatory edit: top submitted post is about butt plugs. Wowza! Also, thank you, kind Redditor for the gold! I can't believe a gilded joke is about sex toys :)]

During a visit to the mental asylum...

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.....


"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub...

If something doesn't work, unplug it and plug it back in, it fixes it every time.

Except for Grandma.

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Did you know the most commonly used search term on Google is "butt plug"?

Well, it's not. I just pulled that out of my ass.

My family is putting an electrical plug in our elm tree.

They were going to put it in the bushes, but I convinced them that a tree-prong outlet would be better for the ground.

---------

"Tree-prong outlet" stolen from an engineer I was talking to today, but joke format is all mine.

I like my women like I like my plug sockets

Turned on and me forking them

A teacher speaks to his straight-F pupil

"With grades like this you'll never achieve anything in your life. You'll end up a loser"

Fast forward 20 years later. Retired teacher is deadly ill, only a very risky and expensive surgery can save him.
It happens that the best surgeon in the country knows the old man and aggrees to sav...

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You're lucky it wasn't the black horse!

About a month ago I was driving to my mothers house late on a Friday evening. It was pitch black, so I had the lights on high beam, and I was driving along a country road when all of a sudden my engine cut out. So I pulled over and got out to have a look - sometimes I can fix it myself. It was very ...

Did you hear about the new store where you can plug in robotic limbs?

It's great even though they charge an arm and a leg.

A spark plug walks into a bar...

Bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Why aren’t British electrical plugs allowed to do anything?

They are always grounded.

Where do plugs like to shop?

The outlet mall.

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My Gold plated butt-plug business is being sued by Apple.

Apparently they have a patent for overpriced crap for arseholes.

An electrician's son removed one wire from each of his father's power plugs.

His father asks him furiously: Why did you do that? What's wrong with you?

Son: Nothing, dad. It's just a phase.

Father: You're grounded.

If I'm ever on life support, I want you to pull up he plug...

Then wait 10 seconds and plug it back in, maybe that'll work.

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The tallest hotel in the world was streaming a famous Pixar movie when they pulled the plug mid way.

They fucked Up on so many levels.

So I heard Microsoft pulled the plug after their chat robot slung slurs, ripped Obama and denied the Holocaust...

I guess there wasn't enough room for two Trumps in the Republican party.

Girlfriend and I got into a fight last night. She was mad because I couldn't put a ring on her finger. So I decided to just call it quits and pull the plug. I'll be fine but I think the decision left her pretty deflated.

So I packed her up and put her in the closet.

I had a job interview...

...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."

I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.

I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"

"You wanna buy it?"

The Club of People That Made Things That Plug Into Computers

There is a prestigious and hard-to-get-into club of people who invented things that plug into computers, like the USB, HDMI, ethernet and so on. This club meets regularly but then, after a few years, the inventor of the USB died. It was a very sad time, but they held a beautiful funeral service for ...

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I wouldn't say my butt plug the best sex toy...

but it's definitely up there.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three scientists want to know how long can an organism live without shitting

They try to test it with a pig, so they put a plug in his butthole and start feeding him for days.

The first two weeks the pig is ok, but the third week the scientists see that the pig has become very very fat, so they decide to remove the plug from his ass.

The problem is they don't k...

Step 1: Name your iPhone "Titanic." Step 2: Plug it into your computer. Step 3: When iTunes says "Titanic is syncing," press cancel. Step 4: Feel like a hero.

Step 1: Name your iPhone "Titanic."
Step 2: Plug it into your computer.
Step 3: When iTunes says "Titanic is syncing," press cancel.
Step 4: Feel like a hero.

TIL that if you plug your amp into a 12" instead of your 8", you get fireworks.

Whoops. Wrong sub.

The guy that invented/designed the USB plug died about a month ago.

At his funeral they lowered his coffin into the ground, then pulled it out and turned it around and put it back, then pulled it up again....

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I accidentally left a butt plug up her ass for 2 weeks...

No shit

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Did you hear about the guy that used ivory butt plugs?

He suffered from elephant-tight-ass.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a new anal plug and a used one?

The taste.

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I'm usually not into butt plugs...

...it's actually the other way around :)

How many Comcast customer service agents does it take to change a lightbulb?

...

Is the lightbulb plugged in sir?

What do you call a square peg that wonders if it could plug a round hole?

Pi-curious.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

New truck

My buddy Frank bought a new truck today and the dealer made sure to mention that if the spark plugs get wet that is wont work. So if you know it's going to rain to be sure to put vaseline on them.

He happened to be going to his girlfriend's parents house for the first time tonight and Shiela ...

Life and phone batteries are very similar

When their running low, it’s time to plug them into something or they’ll die.

A man joins the mob and becomes the personal assistant to the Godfather

One day he receives a text message from the boss. "I've been having problems with my wife. Please pull the plug and then call someone in to take care of the matter."

The man knows better than to question the Godfather, so he dutifully carries out the command. He shoots the boss's wife, and th...

A man to a psychiatrist:

“How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?” The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.” The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.” The Psyc...

So there was this alien who came down to earth

An alien came down to earth and wanted to know how to act. He first stopped by a recording studio, where he heard someone singing “me me ME me me me...”
The alien then repeated, sing slightly off-key “me me ME me me me...”
The next place he went to was a fast food place, where he heard the cas...

One day, workers at a hospital noticed something very peculiar.

Everyday Tuesday, at approximately 11:24 pm, whichever patient was lying in bed 3 in room 152 would inexplicably die, no matter what condition they were in. This phenomenon went on for sometime, baffling scientists and doctors all over the world and starting many conspiracy theories centered on the...

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[OP] Stevie Wonder is visited by a doctor who says that her experimental new procedure can cure his blindness.

Stevie says, "I've lived a great life so far, but it would be wonderful to see again some time before I go." The doctor tells him the procedure is very unorthodox, but Stevie tells her to go ahead and give it a try.

"Ok" she says, "it sounds strange, but for the procedure to work, you will h...

I bought my mother in law a chair for her 50th birthday ..

...but the wife won't let me plug it in.

I came home from work to see a note on the refrigerator: "I'm leaving you, and I'm taking the kids".

So I quickly pulled the plug out...you're not going anywhere!

4 engineers repairing a car

*there are 4 engineers in a car but it doesn't start*

Mechanical engineer: the spark plug must be broken

Chemical engineer: there must be impurities in the gas

Electrical engineer: the contact must be broken

Computer engineer: what if we exit and enter the car ano...

Texan Blonde Ain't Wrong.

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.

They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electri...

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room

talking about many things. The idea of a living will came up and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If I ever come to that just pull the plug."


She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

A man calls technical support.

“Word Perfect Technical support; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen ...

I once toured an mental asylum...

I definitely saw some people who clearly needed to be there and others that seem normal, I asked the asylum doctor/psychologist how they determine if someone is truly 'insane'.

'We fill a bath tub up with water and present the patient with a spoon, tea cup and a bucket. We then ask them to em...

There was boy named Billy and he wasn't very smart

He lived with his mother in a small town. Nobody liked him because he was really stupid, least of all his school teacher who was always annoyed with him.

One day Billy's mother came to the school to learn how her son was doing. The teacher plainly told the mother that her son was a complete...

Roman Numerals are very interesting... [LONG JOKE]

You turn on the radio one morning to find another one of those Rap songs where every 4th word is a swear. Naturally the Radio bleeps it out, but you realize that it sounds familiar. You realize that the rappers are speaking in Morse code.

Your eyes widen as you swerve over onto the shoulder ...

I hate watching Showtime because they are always showing commercials for their own shows.

It’s just Shameless plug after Shameless plug.

Back in high school..

...I was a huge metal fan. In math class, I had an 8/10 girl next to me, she turns me on so much. I always try really hard to impress her, she's so hot. The teacher starts passing back last weeks test, and 8/10 looks at me, smiles, and starts playing with her hair. I can't handle it, I start spinnin...

What do hospitals and refrigerators have in common?

If you pull the plug, the vegetables start to decompose.

Why is space cold?

There is no where to plug in the space heaters.

What is the worst response to "I love you"?

"I'm still pulling the plug Grandma"

They Just Released Stephen Hawking's Last Words

"1 percent battery life remaining. Please find nearest charger and plug in device"

Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.

You understand it better, but it dies in the process.

See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basic...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

While in town today I saw a homeless woman and I remembered seeing something on facebook about giving them feminine products instead of money.

Feeling suddenly very generous I rushed into Boots and two minutes later presented the homeless woman with a carrier bag.

She thanked me, looked in the bag and with tears in her eyes asked me.


"Where the fuck am I going to plug an iron in?"

Trump is really good about his ears.

He wears ear plugs at loud concerts.
He makes sure his ear wax doesn’t build up.
He keeps the gray hairs growing out of his ears nice and trimmed.

He’s quite possibly the most ear responsible president we’ve ever had.

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Kinky Sex

A man was sitting at a singles bar when he was approached by a woman.

"Excuse me, but is this seat taken?" She asked him, motioning to the empty seat next to him.

"No, It isn't." He said. The woman sat down.

"Well, now that I'm sitting here, would you mind buying me a drink?"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl asked her boyfriend to come over on friday night and have dinner with her parents.

Since this was such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy was estatic, but he had never had sex before, so he took a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helped the boy...

The doctor was showing the visitor around the insane asylum

,and showing him a test to decide whether people should be admitted as patients. "We fill a bathtub with water and we hand the person a teaspoon, a cup, and a pail." "Oh," says the visitor, "So the normal person will use the pail to empty the tub." The doctor replied, "No, actually, a normal person ...

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So Satan asks God to let him back into Heaven...

God says "Satan, you've betrayed me before, but I am a just and forgiving god. You may get back into Heaven, if you can beat my only son in a programming contest."

Satan and Jesus meet to agree to the terms. The contest is a simple one. God will set a timer for six hours, and both Jesus and S...

Man thinks he has all the power...

...but the power comes from the socket, not from the plug.

Any last words?

Three criminals get the death penalty - the method of execution is by electric chair.

 

On the day of the execution, the first criminal sits in the chair. The guard asks him: "Any last words?", to which the criminal says: "I believe in God and I know for sure that He will pro...

If I were a vegetable...

I would like my family to pull the plug and just move on.

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Dave is playing poker at friends house with a group of mates.

As the game progresses, the urge to unload his bowels becomes overwhelming. Deciding he can't hold on any longer, he runs to the toilet, mid hand, to take a dump.

After unloading a poop King Kong would be proud of, he flushes the toilet, it won't stop going! Filthy poo water starts pouring o...

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‘‘Twas the night before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the...

A mechanic, an electrician and a software developer were in a car.

The car stops working.

-It's the carburetor, says the mechanic. We just have to get down and clean it.

-It's the ignition, says the electrician. We have to check the spark plugs and we'll make it work.

-"Guys, I propose getting out of the car and getting back in and maybe it wi...

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Men vacuum the same way they have sex

They just put the plug in, make noises for 3 minutes, then collapses on the couch and thinks that the wife should only be delighted.

A man dies and goes to hell

A demon is there to meet him.
"Hello, and welcome to hell." He says. "You weren't too bad, so you get to choose your eternal punishment."

The demon then shows the man to three doors. Behind the first door is a bunch of people, all standing on their heads on a floor made of concrete. Behin...

If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cutecumber!

Just kidding; if you were a vegetable, I’d pull the plug.