A librarian is at work at a pubic library and sees a chicken walk in.

The chicken walks up to the counter and says "book, book, book, book."

This continues until the librarian passes a book to the chicken who takes it and pushes it out the door.

A few minutes later the chicken comes right back on, pushes the book up to the counter and says "book, book, b...

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happ...

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

A couple is reading in their living room after dinner, and the husband announces that he had a rough day at work and is going to skip going to his bowling league that night.

The wife nods and goes back to reading her magazine, but keeps glancing at the living room clock. About twenty minutes later the kitchen phone rings, the wife starts to get up to answer it, but the husband tells her he’s closer, so he walks into the kitchen and answers the phone.

“What??? I d...

Whats the most terrifying sound to a nuclear physicist at work?

OOOPS!

Our computers went down at work today ...

... so we had to do everything manually.

It took me 20 minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

I farted at work the other day

My coworker tried to open the window...It must have been a really bad one, we work on a submarine.

I was disappointed that my sister started dating a guy who praised Stalin, idolized Karl Marx, and was working to form a union at work

I don't know she missed all the red flags

My archaeologist friend was looking sad at work, so I asked him if there was something wrong

"Of course there is!" He said.

"My work is in ruins!"

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My wife complains about constantly being sexually harassed at work

I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office if she doesn’t like it

This girl at work asked me how she could find out if she was ticklish or not…

I helped her out by giving her two test tickles.

My favourite thing to do after a long day at work is sit down and take off all my clothes.

It makes my train journey more entertaining.

I don't know why we put up those Halloween decorations at work.

We already have a skeleton crew.

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

In case she needed to draw blood.

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My dogs name is minton and today he ate my wife's shuttlecock and racquet while she was at work.

Bad Minton..

What does the Jewish potion maker do at work?

Hebrew

They call me "blister" at work.

I show up after the work is done.

*Phone rings at work*

Boss: Why don't you answer it?

Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.

Boss: ANSWER IT GODDAMMIT!

Me: 911, what's the emergency?

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Three flight attendants are at work when the captain announces that everyone should prepare for a crash landing.

The blonde flight attendant sits down and starts doing her makeup. "I figure, " she explains, "that if I'm looking pretty I'll be rescued first."

Seeing no flaws in this logic, the second flight attendant starts trying to fix his hair.

Our third attendant, a black woman, starts thinki...

An unknown number calls a man at work.

He immediately hangs up without saying anything.



His boss watches him do this and asks, "Why did you hang up?"



The man answers, "I didn't know the number".



His boss, seething with rage, shouts "CALL THEM BACK RIGHT NOW".



The man complie...

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife

A little girl picks up the phone.

"Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?"

"I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Steve.""But you don't have an Uncle Steve."

"Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice cal...

Made this one up at work today.

There once was an ancient Greek philosopher that dedicated his life to hypothesize the perfect way to cool off on a hot summer day.

His name was Popsicles.

A little girl says to her mother, “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around” “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.”

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”

The little girl says, “Daddy to...

This is true: I picked up a pack of ear plugs at work today and it had three in the pack

The maintenance guy said “that’s the Spock pack”

Me: “Spock pack?”

Maint: “aye; one for the left ear, one for the right ear - and one for the final front ear”

A guy lost his finger in an accident at work.

When he got to the hospital he called his wife and said "Hey honey I'm OK but I cut my finger off at work".

"The whole finger?" she asked

"No" he replied, "the one next to it."

My boss told me he's not going to pay me if I keep having erections at work

I told him that's my hard-earned money

My boss arrived at work today in a brand new Ferrari..

I said ‘wow, that’s an amazing car!’

He said ‘If you work hard, put all your hours in and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year.’

Someone stole my favorite coffee cup right off my desk at work.

Now I have to go down to the police station and look at some mug shots.

I fell over at work and hurt my arm

I have a build up of fluid in my carpal tunnels. I’ve been to the Physio and he has given me exercises to do, including holding my hand in a certain position but it doesn’t seam to be helping.

The Wrist Cyst Stance is Futile.

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Man thinks his wife cheats on him when he's at work...

He can't afford cameras, and he aint the brightest guy around, so he thinks a parrot will do the trick. He'll watch what's going on in the house when the man's away and tell him when he gets back.



He goes to a store and explains the situation.

\-I got a great selection of parro...

A zookeeper loses his Bible while at work...

... A week later when he's feeding the penguins one of them waddles up to him holding his Bible in its beak.

"Praise God, it's a miracle!" says the delighted zookeeper.

"Not really," says the penguin, "Your name is written on the inside cover."

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They served pizza at work today, and I finally understand the saying "pizza is like sex".

Because I didn't get any.

My dad said the guy at work got the Johnson and Johnson vaccine and felt terrible the next day...

I said “what did you expect from taking two Johnson’s at once”

Not to brag, but I recently aced the drug test at work.

Nobody got higher than me.

When I was a kid I had a penpal who lived in southeast Asia who worked in an athletic clothes sweatshop. I would send him gifts from America and he would send me different clothes he made at work. His name was Chen, but I called him Bean Burrito.

Because he made me puma pants.

A blonde calls her husband who is at work

"Honey, I need your help. I just bought a puzzle at walmart and I really don't know how to solve it. It's so hard that I can't even combine two pieces."

"That's annoying my love. Does the box say how many pieces it has?"

"No, it doesn't say."

"Is there at least a picture of the ...

At work I put my desk in the elevator

This should take my career to a whole new level

A guy lost his fingers in an accident at work.

He rushed to the hospital and made his way to the emergency ward.

When he arrived the doctor came in and said, "Not to fret, Mr. Roberts, with the technology of today and advances in medicine, we can easily reattach your fingers and you'll be able to return to work in a couple of days. Now.....

I asked the IT guy at work, “How do you make a motherboard?”

He said, “I usually tell her about my job.”

At work today I brought my team new markers, crafting paper, decks of cards, and snacks

They didn’t know I was coming, so I jumped out and yelled SUPPLIES!!

(We work in Children’s mental health and everyone got a kick out of it)

Today at work, I saw three pantless beautiful ladies

in a Zoom meeting

When I was growing up I loved watching my dad at work whenever I got the chance to go with him.

He used to work in New York City and him and the people he worked for was this big electrical company. There were all electricians. Some of the funniest people I've ever met on the planet.

The one thing about all their jokes though is that they're a little too vulgar for not exactly the most...

The boss caught an employee drinking at work.

He said: -"You can't drink while you're working!".
The employee replied: -"But I'm not working".


They both laughed a lot, and he got fired.

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A woman was having an affair While her husband was at work.

One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. “Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

“I can’t jump out the window!” came the strangled reply from ...

An employee sees his boss arrive at work one day in a brand new Lamborghini.

The employee goes out to the car park and says to his boss “Wow that’s an amazing car! I wish I had one just like it, that must have cost you a pretty penny!”

The boss stands up, looks the employee in the face and says “Yes, it did. And do you know something? Next year, if you work really har...

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Two checkout cashiers are chatting at work

One says to the other, "You can always tell the married fellas from the single ones, can't you?"

The other cashier asks how and she replies, "Watch the next person who walks up."

Just then a man approaches and from his basket produces one tin of beans, one loaf of bread, one pint of mi...

What's the only job where you get to shave your privates at work?

Army barber

Got called in for a drug test at work...

They said I tested positive for opioids.

I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."

They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"

"It was an everything bagel."

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

A terrible accident has just occurred at work.

Our maintenance man lost both his legs.
Now he is just a handyman.

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what ...

A blonde arrives at work crying out loud

The boss asks worried what happened to her, to which she answers:

"I got a call this morning and found out my mother was dead."

The boss comforts her:

"Why don't you go home today to rest? We don't have too much work to do anyway."

The blonde refuses, saying that she ...

People at work call me four eyes…

Not because I wear glasses, but because I…I…I…I’ve got a stutter.

A mathematician arrives at work on a bike

His colleague asks "Where did you get the bike?"

"That's really curious. Imagine, I was walking down the road, suddenly that young woman comes along on this bike, jumps off, takes her dress off 'til she's naked and says "Take what you want". So I took the bike."

"Makes sense", his coll...

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In Prison vs. At Work

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.

AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... You get time off for good be...

I refused to wear a mask at work one day and now I've ruined the life of four people...

Being a bank robber sure isn't easy!

My boss pulled me aside at work one day

And said you're a high functioning alcoholic, I asked him how he knew that I was also high

A guy at work takes out his lunchbag and looks inside

He sighs and says "a tuna sandwich again? I'm getting tired of this."

The next day during the lunch break he takes out his lunch bag, opens it, looks inside and again he sighs, saying "every single day for lunch, a tuna sandwich. I really can't take it anymore."

His friend says to him ...

Pete was having a tough day at work...

His boss was berating him for a simple mistake. His coworkers were irritable. Customers were condescending. The only thing getting him through the day was knowing that his new golf clubs were coming in the mail later that day. He finally gets to leave work and gets home. He cracks open his bee...

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NSFW: On a dare, I stuck my dick in the meat grinder at work and and then I got fired...

...And she got fired too

I was talking to a girl on tinder while at work when my boss comes up behind me.

He asked me, "What are you doing?"

I said, "I'm hard at work, sir."

Somebody asked why I was hiding at work?

“Because a good employee is always hard to find”

A guy walks into a bar after a stressful day at work and gets a beer for himself

As he sits there, alone in the bar, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "That shirt looks great on you!”
The man looks around, doesn’t see anyone, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a really cool guy...

Heard at work today

When you see 20 cars in your neighbor’s driveway, and you’re thinking about calling the cops. Go over there and ask for a glass of milk. You know why? Because milk is good for your teeth. You know what else is good for your teeth. Minding your own business.

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A woman is talking to her husband about how his day at work was.

He told her “Nothing out of the ordinary, I just made sure all the audio jacks were in place during the concerts”

The next day the women is chatting with her friends. One asks her what her husband does for a living. Not quite remembering the details, she replies “jack shit”.

I had a job interview the other day and the interviewer says to me ‘How would you usually describe yourself at work?’

I said ‘With words, but today I’m going to use interpretive dance’

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How do you know if a female co-worker that you flirted with at work is into you?

If she *doesn't* report you for sexual harassment, then she's into you

I was having lower back pain from having to stand all day at work and my wife suggested I try orthopedic footwear.

I told her it wouldn't help but she insisted.

I stand corrected.

We had a mandatory meeting at work today

Tory and Amanda weren't even there!!!!

While at work, I think I've finally come to a conclusion on why I'm still single. For years, I've blamed other people, or my weight, or my location, but I think I've found the real explanation.

If it hadn't been for Cotton Eyed Joe, I'd be married a long time ago.

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A man got an urgent message at work saying his wife had been in a car accident and was in the hospital.

So the man rushed to the hospital and was met in the lobby by the surgeon who had just operated on his wife.

Doctor: I'm sorry to have to tell you this sir but the damage to you wife's spinal cord was catastrophic. She'll never walk again. In fact she'll most likely be a helpless invalid for ...

A butcher is at work, chopping up some meat when he hears the door open.

He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, "I'll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change." The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now ho...

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So I took my son to see his Mom at work at the animal sanctuary and my wife brought out a lioness to meet us

Me: Son you see her she is one of the fiercest and most dangerous creatures on Earth.

Son: Really Dad are you scared of her daddy.

Me: Hell yeah, even the lioness doesn't wanna fuck with her you think I will

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I still get butterflies when I see my wife after a long day at work.

I’m so glad I married a lepidopterist.

Two friends were talking at work one morning

The one mentions to the other how completely stressed out he's feeling and how he can't afford therapy. The friend chuckles and says "Whenever I'm feeling stressed out I go home during my lunch hour, find my wife in the kitchen and have my way with her, right then and there. By the time lunch is ove...

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[dirty one] One day this carpenter had a accident at work where he lost his arm.

Luckily his brother worked with robotics.. and gave him a voice response robotic arm to help him out.

After a few week the carpenter went back to work and began with simple commands.

*'Hammer!' The arm reacted and started hammering nails never missing a nail.*

*'Saw!' The arm re...

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television,and tells his wife,“Get me a beer before it starts.”

The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says,“Get me another beer before it starts.”She looks cross,but fetches anothe...

Someone misprogrammed the vending machine at work

It says "Ice Could" instead of "Ice Cold". My first thought was, "Should it, though?"

Someone has taken all of our pens at work

I hope this is not the start of a pendemic

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A testicle torturer comes home after a long day at work

"Ah, time to hit the sack"

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I had such a horrible day at work. Some dick head spilled milk on me. Rude right?

How dairy.

This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co- worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”“Yo, Bob, I didn’t know you were into earrings.”“Oh, yeah, sure,” says Bob sheepishly.“Really? How long have you been wearing one?”“Ever since my wife found it in our bed!”

Paddy's bad day at work...

Paddy the irishman is at work, gets a call from his boss in the office.
paddy goes into the office & takes the call, comes out 5 mins later looking very sad & upset.

The boss says: what on earth happened paddy?

Paddy: The hospital in London just rang up & told me my mo...

Where do baby ghosts go when their parents are at work?

To day-scare!

My father who is a janitor said his position at work was raised

He will be cleaning the 40th floor instead of the 39th.

Girls be sweating their makeup off at work

Call that a 9 to 5

A joke I just made up at work

What is Covid-19's favorite drink?

You may think it's Corona, but in fact it is

Coughy

Always give 100% at work.

Mon - 11%
Tues - 24%
Wed - 40%
Thurs - 23%
Fri - 2%

They call me 007 at work

0 motivation

0 skills

7 coffee breaks

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What did the Dung Beetle say after a long day at work ?

I am getting real tired of this shit.

Having a Jamaican hairstyle theme at work tommorow.

Im dreading it.

Today at work we had a mock emergency evacuation

Today at work we had a mock emergency evacuation. Last time we did this we got out of the building in 43 seconds.

When the alarm went off today we all ran out, but I accidentally bumped a drill off one of the tables.

The supervisor said “We got 40 seconds so we have beaten our previo...

(OC) guy at work doesn’t like tomatoes, so I asked him,

What’s it like, to-hate-o to-mah-to?

(OC cuz I thought of it myself but I’ll admit I’m sure someone somewhere has said this before)

Bored at work so I wrote my first joke. It’s extremely dumb but maybe it’ll make someone laugh.

An extremely wealthy family owned countless successful companies, bought out competitors and even purchased new ventures if they looked promising enough. Nothing was too big or small, and nothing was off limits.

The family consisted of a mother (Linda), father (Robert) and 3 sons (Robert Jr.,...

Two guys are in a meeting at work

The first guy says "Hey I think we should stop testing our products on animals."



The second guy tells him "look, I know it sucks but animal testing is an unfortunate necessity in saving human lives - look at the pharmaceutical industry.



The first guy goes "yeah, but we ...

Every day i beat the meat at work.

I have been a butcher for five years.

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A man that works in a pickle factory walked into his local pub after work wearing a hospital wristband. "Did you have an accident at work today?" the barkeep asked. "Yes, I put my penis in the pickle slicer," the man replied...

"Her husband caught us"

My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.

I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”

Saw this young child crying at work today so I tried to make him feel better and asked where his parents were.

I also lost my job at the orphanage later that day...

At work, I'm known as "Mr. Compromise."

That's not my first choice of a nickname, but I'm okay with it.

A clock maker had new students come to his workshop today. As he was in the middle of one of his projects he told them to always remember one thing to do when he was at work.

To watch and learn

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A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you'll last longer.

So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight"
But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go un...

My husband died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work.

He didn't suffer, it was instant.

I've been sucking up to my boss at work to get a raise, so I told her she looked nice and I liked her perfume.

She just started screaming and yelling "how'd you get in my house!?!". Now I'm in a cop car. Think I'll still get it?

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead arrive at work and get into the lift(/elevator for my friends in the US).

The brunette spots a white puddle in the corner and exclaims "ew, that looks like cum!"

The redhead bends down closer, sniffs and announces, "it smells like cum."

The blonde gets on all fours, licks it, thinks for a moment and states: "it's no-one from this building."

I was hard at work

I was hard at work at the weekend, when my colleague leaned over and said to me "don't kill yourself"

I thought on it, yet two days later they found me suspending from a 20 storey apartment block.

It's hard work being a window cleaner.

[At work] Man: Boss, I’ve got a problem...

Boss: There is no such thing as a problem. There are only opportunities.

Man: Ok. I have a serious drinking opportunity.

My boss touched me inappropriately at work today

But it's okay, i'm self-employed

For the fifth year in a row, I was voted as the most inarticulate guy by my colleagues at work.

I can’t tell you what that means to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man comes home from a long day at work and asks his wife "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

"I'd take half and leave your sorry ass!" She replied. "Well" He said "I just won 2 bucks on a scratch off. Here's a dollar, now get the fuck out."

They recently removed the urinal from our mens washroom at work...

I really miss that urinal. I mean I missed it once in awhile when it was there... But now I really miss it!

What’s worse than not being at work and no one noticing that your missing?

Not being at work and people noticing that you’re there

A cute girl at work said she'd only go on a date with me on a day that doesn't end in 'Y'

I said "Great! I'll pick you up tomorrow!"

A guy in North Korea is walking home after his day at work . . .

. . . and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and says to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.

"What did you do that for?" he asks.

"Curfew violation," t...

We lost power at work today due to someone hitting a transformer.

I never heard if it was a Decepticon or an Autobot.

Gene was at work one day and curiously asked his recently new co-worker, Claire, if she had any wishes for her weeding that weekend.

The only thing Claire had hoped for was for it to snow on her big day and that she would be devastated if it didn't happen.

2 weeks later, Claire arrived back at work happy as could be; talking with her co-workers about how perfect everything turned out.

Gene overheard her conversati...

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My cousin got caught with his pants around his ankles in the supply closet at work

He said he really felt like a jerk.

I just passed a drugs test at work.

Although I am happy to have kept my job, I'll be having words with my dealer.

There was a drug test at work today...

Mine came back negative. My dealer owes me an explanation.

(Overheard at work) I'm not saying 2020 has been a long year...

But we just celebrated my son's third birthday and he was born in January.

I got a new dry erase board at work

It's remarkable

Little John: Mom, yesterday while you were at work dad was making out with the maid..

Mom: Wait! Let your dad come back and then tell.
Later that evening...
Mom: Johnny you were telling me something..?
John: yes mom so dad was making out with the maid but he did not make her a horse like uncle Bob made you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with the hot girl at work

...but, she had a boyfriend

One day he got so desperate he went up to her and said,

"I'll pay you 100$ if you have sex with me."

The girl looked at him shocked and said,

"Hell, no!'

He said,

"It'll be real quick, I'll throw the money on the ground...

Did you hear about the new welding position that opened up at work?

Management is desperate to fillet.

I left my sandwich in the elevator at work.

I wanted to take my lunch to the next level

Why is being a parent on Christmas Day like being at work?

You do all the work and some guy in a suit takes credit.

A man from England has been jailed for breaking lockdown while standing in for his father at work.

The Pheasant Pluckers defense team said It was one of the hardest sentences they'd come across.

My mother with dwarfism feels she is underpaid at work...

Apparently shes unsatisfied making mini Mum wage.

I told a girl at work she drew on her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

For safety, if you're turning a power supply on at work, just say hey

Watts going on

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is caught naked at work by his co-worker.

"I can't believe this! Are you having sex with her?", his coworker exclaimed.


"She was just lying there naked. What was I supposed to do?", the man replied.


"The autopsy, you fucking moron!"


"Hey - don't tell me how to do my job!"


"You are the worst vet I'...

I had a drug test at work today. It came back negative

My dealer has some explaining to do

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was accused of harassment at work today.

When I told my wife she said, "Harassment what?"
I said, "I swear baby her ass meant nothing to me!"

We had random drug testing at work today.

The pcp was my favourite.

I have this crush on a girl at work, so I got her address

She seemed a little creeped out when she saw it was a wedding dress though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At work we were all out of toilet paper. A co-worker suggested I use a dollar.I ended up with shit all over my hand and half way up my arm...

Well, you try wiping with three quarters two dimes and a nickel

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