UPJOKE
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At Work Jokes

*Phone rings at work*

Boss: Why don't you answer it?

Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.

Boss: ANSWER IT GODDAMMIT!

Me: 911, what's the emergency?

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I got fired from my job today for having sex at work.

My boss reamed me out and I said, "What was I supposed to do, she was just lying there naked!"

He shouted, "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"

Then he fired me and called me the worst Veterinarian ever.

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My wife complains about constantly being sexually harassed at work

I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office if she doesn’t like it

Whenever I get a stack of resumes on my desk at work, I always pick half at random and throw them out

Don’t need unlucky people working in my department.

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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man says, "Yes,...

The boss caught an employee drinking at work.

He said: -"You can't drink while you're working!".
The employee replied: -"But I'm not working".


They both laughed a lot, and he got fired.

Got called in for a drug test at work...

They said I tested positive for opioids.

I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."

They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"

"It was an everything bagel."

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"...

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the mo...

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Nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on my first day at work

Luckily my boss said I could wipe the slate clean...

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A man suspected her wife to cheat on him while he was at work.

A man suspected his wife to cheat on him while he was at work. He told his best friend about it.

*- I could place a hidden camera in the bedroom, but I don't want to spend that much money...*
*- Well, there's an easy and cheap way to be sure: attach a spoon under your mattress, and place...

I received a warning at work for poor performance.

We've got 4 sales-people in total. Over the past month Jack \[the boss's son\] has sold nothing. Alex has made £1000, in sales. I've made £5000, and the top guy made £16000.

I got the warning for my performance being below average.

I told them "That's just mean"

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

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I got fired for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer at work.

She got fired too.

My boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini. I said “wow that’s an amazing car.”

“If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year.”

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They told me I have to do sexual harassment training at work

Which is ridiculous, I’m already very good at it.

My boss touched me inappropriately at work today

But it's okay, i'm self-employed

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People ask me "Are you hard at work?" And I'm like

No I don't have a boner right now but thanks for asking

Saw a cute girl at work today.

I told her I get off in five minutes and she smiled. Then I said I finish work in one hour and she left.

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...

...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"

"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.

"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by...

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

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My wife has been complaining that someone has been sexually harassing her at work, but I think it's her fault

Honestly, what does she expect working from home

A librarian is at work at a pubic library and sees a chicken walk in.

The chicken walks up to the counter and says "book, book, book, book."

This continues until the librarian passes a book to the chicken who takes it and pushes it out the door.

A few minutes later the chicken comes right back on, pushes the book up to the counter and says "book, book, b...

I told a girl at work she drew on her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

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A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

We had random drug testing at work today.

The pcp was my favourite.

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[NSFW] Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with the hot girl at work

...but, she had a boyfriend

One day he got so desperate he went up to her and said,

"I'll pay you 100$ if you have sex with me."

The girl looked at him shocked and said,

"Hell, no!'

He said,

"It'll be real quick, I'll throw the money on the ground...

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A maid worked at the house of a very rich couple

One day, she was peacefully sweeping the floor when the phone rang. She answered it:

"Hello, who am I talking to?"

"It's me, the boss. Is my wife already home?"

"What...? I mean, yes, she's here, sir, but why are you calling? Aren't you here too?"

"What do you mean? I'm a...

How does a deaf gynecologist communicate at work?

He reads lips

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually...

It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.

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We had a safety meeting at work today.

They asked me "what steps would you take in event of a fire?

"Fucking big ones" was apparently not the right answer.

At work today...

... the new guy asked where the color printer was.

I said, "It's 2022, use any printer you want, Jamal."

My wife called me at work today.

"Honey, do you want to come home at lunch for a quickie?"

"Sarah, it's pronounced Quiche."

Sometimes at work...

...I like to run around with a screwdriver and yell "Attention everybody! This is not a drill!"

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This afternoon at work I had to go to toilet really bad...

...but all the stalls were occupied, so I ran upstairs to that bathroom but they were all occupied, too. I ran back down to my floor, then the floor below -- all occupied.

My co-workers are all full of shit today.

I'm hard at work.

But a quick trip to the bathroom will take care of that.

Not to brag, but I aced the drug test at work today.

Nobody got higher than me.

The IT guy at work has been missing for the past few weeks.

He must have..ransomware.

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Last winter I was at work...

Last winter I was at work and my wife text me saying "Windows frozen". I sent one back saying "Pour lukewarm water on it". A few minutes later she text back saying "The computer's completely fucked now."

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My asshole of a boss just yelled at me in front of everyone for eating chips at work.

“John, you’re a fucking croupier!”

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two guys are at work and one says to the other

“i had the worst freudian slip the other day..i was at the train station and the woman behind the ticket counter had these massive tits and i meant to say ‘could i please have two tickets to pittsburgh,’ but ended up saying ‘could i please have two pickets to tittsburg’” and the other guy laughs and...

Two women are chatting at work [short joke]

Two women are chatting at work.


The first woman says, “my husband surprised me with flowers last night. You know what that means, I’m going to have to spend the entire weekend with my legs in the air….”


Her coworker replies, “why don’t you just buy a vase?”

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A man comes home from a long day at work and asks his wife "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

"I'd take half and leave your sorry ass!" She replied. "Well" He said "I just won 2 bucks on a scratch off. Here's a dollar, now get the fuck out."

An italian pastry chef was injured at work this friday

We Cannoli hope he makes a full recovery.

An employee sees his boss arrive at work one day in a brand new Lamborghini.

The employee goes out to the car park and says to his boss “Wow that’s an amazing car! I wish I had one just like it, that must have cost you a pretty penny!”

The boss stands up, looks the employee in the face and says “Yes, it did. And do you know something? Next year, if you work really har...

Heard from my manager at work

Did you hear about the Spanish Magician?

He was so good he could say,

“Uno…

Dos…”

Then he was gone without a trace.

Today my coworker fell into the reupholstering machine at work

don't worry, he's fully recovered

I'm always hard at work

Thankfully no one's noticed.

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Having a bad day at work…

An associate goes to the bar in the top floor of his high rise office building and orders a drink. The place is empty except for the bartender and a lone man at the other end of bar. While staring into his drink, he can’t help but notice the other guy pound 4 shots.
“Must’ve had a worse day than...

at work yesterday

My boss told me to work the bread, then yelled at me.............. for loafing around.

My buddy is really upset at losing a promotion at work to an attractive, older woman.

I said, “Don’t cry over skilled MILF.”

I told my boss I needed a raise to stay at work because there are three different companies showing interest in me...

He asked me which companies and I told him, "The gas, electric, and cable ones"

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife

A little girl picks up the phone.

"Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?"

"I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Steve.""But you don't have an Uncle Steve."

"Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice cal...

My friend was telling a story about his dog to the group at work

I arrived late…


It’s ok…


I caught the tail end of the story

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A womans husband worked at a Pickle Factory...

One day, her husband comes home and says, "Dear, for years at work I have had the powerful urge to stick my dick in the pickle slicer. Every day, when I walk past the pickle slicer, I get the compulsion to just stick it in. Well, today, I gave in and shoved my dick in the pickle slicer right there o...

How does a network analyist identify them self at work?

LANyard

Man comes out of the bathroom at work…

After a loud session of diarrhea, “sounds like you had a rough time in there.” a slightly embarrassed coworker commented. “No it was a blast” the man responded.

David was hard at work...

it was really quite awkward for his coworkers.

My computer crashed at work

Now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening.

A guy in North Korea is walking home after his day at work . . .

. . . and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and says to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.

"What did you do that for?" he asks.

"Curfew violation," t...

Made this one up at work today.

There once was an ancient Greek philosopher that dedicated his life to hypothesize the perfect way to cool off on a hot summer day.

His name was Popsicles.

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Dave has been having a hard time at work, working really long hours for the past few months, so his wife decides to take him to the strip club.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

A mathematician arrives at work on a bike

His colleague asks "Where did you get the bike?"

"That's really curious. Imagine, I was walking down the road, suddenly that young woman comes along on this bike, jumps off, takes her dress off 'til she's naked and says "Take what you want". So I took the bike."

"Makes sense", his coll...

A woman at work asked me, "In what State were you born?"

"Well, I was naked"

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What do you call it when you put arsenic in the coffee can at work?

Grounds for termination.

A friend of mine called me while I was at work.

He said he was going to change his name to "Spinal Column".

I said, "Look, I'm really busy right now. I'll call you back."

I had a major breakthrough while on the toilet at work today.

Really wish they'd buy thicker TP.

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A woman brings another man home while her husband is away at work...

A woman brings another man home while her husband is away at work. Her kid is home, sees the man and gets scared and runs into his mothers closet. The woman brings the man up and they start to do their thing. Suddenly, the front door opens up, and the husband is home from work early. The wife tells ...

A mechanic was drinking brake fluid at work

Every now and then he would drink a pint of it!

When the boss confronted him he said

"It won't become a problem now I can stop at any time!"

Did you hear about Bigfoot's promotion at work?

He had big shoes to fill.

I spilled the bag of coffee at work.

My boss said it was Grounds for dismissal.

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A man arrives at work on Monday morning with two black eyes.

His colleague asks how this happened.

" I was in church on Sunday. The congregation kneeled and when we all got up, the woman in front of me had her dress tucked in to her bum crack. I realised it must be uncomfortable, so I reached forward and pulled it out for her. Then she turned aroun...

I just got fired for trying to be flexible at work.

My manager asked me to give him a sec so I told him, "I'll give you all the secs you need."

Told a joke that was so good at work the other day.

So good in fact, that HR wanted to hear it.

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Three men were bragging to each other at work

The first man said “After I made love to my wife last night she raised an inch off the bed”

The second said “That’s nothing, after I made love to my wife last night she raised a foot off the bed”

The third man said “I’ve beaten you both. After I made love to my wife last night I wiped ...

A cute one I heard from a friend at work.

Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. "5 dollars" Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says "I don't have a buck to my name!" the skunk cries "I have no money, not even a scent!" but the duck says to the bartender "It's alri...

I complained about the temperature at work for a month...

And then one day a maintenance person showed me where the thermostat was and how to open it up, set temps, and diagnose basic issues... Told me not to set it below 70 for too long though or she'd lock me back out again. This work from home office staff is really rude.

A bad day at work

A circumcision surgeon walks into a bar and orders a beer. "This has to be the worst day of my life. My job is over," he says to the bartender. "What happened?" the bartender asks. "I got the sack." he replies.

I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day at work.

Deep down.., I realized it wasn’t for me.

This is true: I picked up a pack of ear plugs at work today and it had three in the pack

The maintenance guy said “that’s the Spock pack”

Me: “Spock pack?”

Maint: “aye; one for the left ear, one for the right ear - and one for the final front ear”

I told the women at work that botox doesn't make anyone look younger.

Nobody looked surprised.

What does the Jewish potion maker do at work?

Hebrew

My nickname at work is “Mr. Compromise”.

It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m ok with it.

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Blonde at work

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey girls," says the brunette. "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after their boss. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to ...

Joke from a few years ago at work.

A few years ago a group of my coworkers were asking what the strings on corn is called.

I chimed in almost immediately and said "Ear hair."

A man is driving home after a long day at work.

Frustrated by another day working for his insufferable boss, he fails to notice a pothole and blows a tire. Stranded on the side of the road, he begins to drag out his spare when suddenly a genie appears next to him.

“Greetings, mortal.” The genie says. “I have taken pity on you, and will th...

A zookeeper loses his Bible while at work...

... A week later when he's feeding the penguins one of them waddles up to him holding his Bible in its beak.

"Praise God, it's a miracle!" says the delighted zookeeper.

"Not really," says the penguin, "Your name is written on the inside cover."

Today at work, some Karen told me she didn't appreciate me being so condescending towards her.

That means I talk down to people.

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A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you'll last longer.

So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight"
But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go un...

A cute girl at work said she'd only go on a date with me on a day that doesn't end in 'Y'

I said "Great! I'll pick you up tomorrow!"

There was a drug test at work today...

Mine came back negative. My dealer owes me an explanation.

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

In case she needed to draw blood.

A woman is swiping through Tinder at work, and her co-worker say, "Honey, you ain't never gonna find your husband on Tinder."

"You may be right," she replied. "I found yours, though."

They call me "blister" at work.

I show up after the work is done.

I farted at work the other day…

and my coworker started trying to open the window. It must have been a really bad one — we work on a submarine.

The new guy at work reminds me a lot of Matthew mcconaughey

He keeps saying things like, "Hey man, don't forget about Matthew Mcconaughey".

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Guide to pooping at work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2013 Survival Guide for taking a du...

Have you seen the movie about the fish that works at the cardboard company?

Unfortunately, it flopped at the box office.

I got a new dry erase board at work

It's remarkable

A guy lost his finger in an accident at work.

When he got to the hospital he called his wife and said "Hey honey I'm OK but I cut my finger off at work".

"The whole finger?" she asked

"No" he replied, "the one next to it."

At work I put my desk in the elevator

This should take my career to a whole new level

A blonde arrives at work crying out loud

The boss asks worried what happened to her, to which she answers:

"I got a call this morning and found out my mother was dead."

The boss comforts her:

"Why don't you go home today to rest? We don't have too much work to do anyway."

The blonde refuses, saying that she ...

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