A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bar tender "If I impress you, can I have a free drink?". The bar tender said sure, so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano. He then pulled out a small rat and set it by the piano. It crawled on to the bench and began playing

music. The bar tender was amazed, so he gave the man a beer. Next, the man said "If I impress you even more, can I have free drinks for life?". The bar tender didn't think it was possible, so he agreed. The man pulled a frog out of his pocket, and it began to sing by the piano. The bar tender smiled...

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Three black ladies were on a plane They were good friends and were really excited to travel together. However, this was the first time they had ever been on a plane so they were understandably quite nervous. They began discussing what precautions they had taken to relief their fears...

The first lady said, "I'm wearing bright green panties, that way, if we crash into the ocean, my butt would float and they'd see me first!"

The second lady retorted, "I'm wearing bright pink panties, that way, if we crash into the ground, they'd see me first!"

The two looked at the las...

A group of revolutionaries hired a Swiss watch maker to build a clock that would chime when the overthrow began.

And the worlds first Coup Coup Clock was born...

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.

Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out.

"What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!"

Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch. "We were playing golf... we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and...

Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…"

"…country music."

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My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded do...

I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'

I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming...

A squirrel was sitting on the branch of a tree when suddenly it began shaking violently.

Looking down he saw an elephant climbing up the tree.

"What the hell are you doing," cried the squirrel.

"I want to eat some cherries."

"But this is an oak tree. There aren't any cherries here."

"It's okay," said the elephant. "I brought my own."

I began reading a horror novel in braille. I think something bad is about to happen...

I can feel it.

I dared my friend into running into a cucumber field holding a bottle of vinegar... my friend tripped and spilled vinegar everywhere. Shortly afterwards, a farmer came to check on the commotion and began scolding my friend...

Guess my friend got himself in a bit of a
Pickle.

I've been a nun all my life, but recently I quit and began attending so many orgies that I can't even remember who's been there.

I just don't know what's gotten into me lately.

Jared from Subway ended his career the same way he began it

Trying to get into smaller pants

Johnny Depp was talking to a friend one day. He explained he was experiencing some minor hearing loss but didn’t want people to know about it. But since yesterday the tabloids began reporting his secret issue, much to his distaste. His friend asked how the secret could’ve possibly gotten out.

Johnny Depp replied: “Rumor has it, Amber Heard.”

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The cost of living has gotten so high that my wife began having sex with me again

so she wouldn't have to buy batteries.

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In 1985 Viagra began marketing it's own soda beverage

They called it Mount and Do.

Further more in 1986 the FDA decided it could no longer be called a *soft* drink.
Instead they labeled it a cock tail.

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I was watching this animal instructor show off this monkey. The monkey began acting up, and that's when shit hit the fan.

Even the janitor refused to clean up the mess...

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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.

Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

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I was outside getting my mail when I noticed my neighbor cutting his lawn. The mower was loud and he didn’t see that his dog was licking something up by the garage door. Suddenly, the dog began running circles around the front lawn but shortly after he fell to the grass.

“Did he die?”

*No he just ran out of gas*

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A teacher gave her class

of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market ...

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Bob was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang...

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best...

A man scuttled out to his garage and began pulling the lawn furniture out onto the driveway.

Shortly after he did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

“No,” replied the man. “My son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date.”

“S...

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

An engineer who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place.

He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, and friends came for the quiet and fishing.

The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight

“This is exciting!” the guy thought. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope!

In the beginning, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Po...

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The teacher told us that the first people to have a surname had some kind of story on how people began to call them that, like how Michael Collins was a drunkard

Somehow i dont wanna know Emily Dickinson's story.

My wife began to address the elephant in the room.

I asked her why she was talking to herself.

Smugglers have began hiding drugs in the soles of their shoes. You shouldn't trust them

They're probably laced

My wife began reading 'The Exorcist'.

She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it over to the beach and threw it into the ocean off a fishing pier.

I went and bought another copy, ran the faucet over it and left it in the night table drawer by her bed. That night was the firs...

A 15 year old boy comes home with a Porsche

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

When people began using the alphabet, they only used 25 letters.

Nobody knew why.

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.”

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”
...

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A recently widowed Jewish lady named Sarah, was sitting on a beach towel. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book...

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you." he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year." he replied and again tur...

I recently began selling faulty jetpacks to fortune tellers.

Prophets are flying through the roof.

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As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his hea...

Did you hear the Russians have began funding and creating technology to compromise and undermine the USA’s recent Central American initiatives?

They have created a ladder

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I began work at the Post Office recently

I found the work very mundane, so to the pass the time I would open letters that came through, read the letters, and pass them on to the correct delivery driver. After a while I began to notice something odd. Some letters would come in, with the exact same envelope, exact same address and the lette...

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"So," began the interviewer, "it states on your CV that you let other people do all the work for you."

I said, "Does it?! My dad's a wanker for writing that."

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The wrestling match was about to begin...

...and the Contender's coach was once again lecturing the Contender.

"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times-don't let the Champion get you in The Pretzel! No one has ever been able to get out of The Pretzel!"

The Contender nodded his head, getting ready for the match. ...

A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear.

Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said, we're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut c...

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

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Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

As our passion began to heat up
she said, “I don’t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.”

I said, “WHAT?! What was that?!”

She said, “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”

She responded to my pu...

I went skydiving today.

The guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane, and as we began to fall he yelled in my ear "So how long you been an instructor?

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The other day I went for a jog in the park and began my routine of running laps around the pond.

On my first lap I noticed a girl in a wheelchair crying. I approached her and asked why she was crying. She told me "I'm crying because I've never been hugged!" Feeling sympathetic, I hugged her and she said "Thank you! I feel so much better!" as her tears subsided.

I continued jogging and as...

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

An idiot moves to a very religious catholic neighborhood.

This particular idiot loved to eat chicken, so he grilled it every day. Now, on Fridays, the people of his neighborhood would get irritated that someone was eating meat when they had to abstain, so they took it up with their pastor. Their pastor then went to the idiot, and told him about the message...

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3 prostitutes were drinking in a bar

After a few too many drinks the women began to boast about how much they can fit inside themselves.

The first woman took a sip of her drink and proceeded to push her fist up to her wrist into her pussy, confident that she had won the competition she sat back and smiled.

The second woma...

Jesus went into the mountains with his disciples; and he began to teach them, saying:

Blessed are the meek.

Blessed are the poor in spirit.

Blessed are those who mourn.

Blessed are the peacemakers.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness.

And Peter said: Will this be in the test?

And Philip said: Were we supposed...

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An anthropologist visited a local translator in Zimbabwe.

"I'd like to set up a meeting with the nearby Xhosa tribe," he said. "But I haven't had any luck finding them. Can you help me send a message?"

The translator smiled. "Ah yes, they are difficult to find. This particular tribe has very little interest in Westerners. But there is a way to arran...

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I haven't had sex since 1956!

A woman asked a general in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two m...

The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following...

Our family recently began leaving our door unlocked for guests so the dog wouldn't bark as much.

It might seem strange, but don't knock it 'til you try it.

A herd of cattle got into a cannabis farm and began to graze...

When asked how serious the situation was, the owner responded, "the steaks have never been higher!"

In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start...

A man was married to a woman named Lorraine but had a mistress named Clairee.

One day, his wife left him. He wasn't too upset. In fact, he began to sing:

"I can see Clairee now, Lorraine is gone."

Sorry... I'll see myself out...

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The children began to identify the colours by their colour:

Red -> Raspberry
Yellow -> Lemon
Green -> Lime
Orange -> Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY flavoured candy. None of them could identify the taste.

The teacher said: ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may call your father’

One l...

I began speed reading, and just last night I read “The Da Vinci Code” in fifteen minutes.

I know it’s only 4 words, but it’s a start.

A lumberjack went into a magical forest to cut down a tree.

Just as he began to swing his axe at a tree, the tree called out, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"





The lumberjack grinned, "And you will dialogue!"

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Pierre, the fighter pilot.

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What ar...

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There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

...

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A kiwi man was in Australia for the Bledisloe Cup when he began to experience testicular pain..

So he went to see an Australian doctor and get some tests done.

Dr: "Your results are back sir and unfortunately they are not good. We are going to have to remove your testicles".

Kiwi: "Awwww no way bru! I'm going to git a sicond opinion!"

So the kiwi finds another Aussie docto...

I bought ten bananas and began peeling each one as perfectly as I could. After finishing the seventh banana and beginning the next, I realised I had missed a small piece of the peel, just near the top. So being a total perfectionist I stuck the peel back on and did it again ...

Yes folks, it seems I just re\-peeled the eighth.

[nsfw] Sinatra thought his wife was cheating on him, so he wrote her a song and sang it to her one night in bed. "Come to me..." he began crooning, and she swooned. She loved it when he sang to her...

He continued singing... "Your breath smells like..."

"...come to me!"

There was once an angel who was very happy with life because she was very beautiful and she always got to wear pretty, perfect dresses.

One day, when she ran out of clothes to wear, she decided to wash them. When she took her dresses out of the washing machine, she noticed several small pieces of fibre were just stuck randomly on her pieces of dressing.

This incident absolutely traumatized her. She was always known for how pe...

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I walked into kindergarten on my first day of school...

I was worried, but nonetheless excited to learn. We began by learning about animals. My teacher asked students what their favorite animal was and when it was my turn I said “Pink Flamingo”

The teacher began screaming and sent me to the principals office. “Why are you here son”, he asked. I to...

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A US Army General was visiting a base in Bulgaria

His tour of the base brought him into the infirmary, where a US soldier was lying in a bed in really bad shape. In the next bed, there was a Russian soldier in similar shape. Afraid that this might lead to an incident, the General asked the US soldier to tell him what happened.

“Well, sir,” b...

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig

and ploughed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces. Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fittin...

An old lady is sitting with her doctor

“I’ve been having the most terrible flatulence, doctor. I just can’t stop passing gas. Fortunately, they’re silent and they don’t smell at all. Why, you couldn’t tell but I’ve farted at least five or six times in the few minutes I’ve been here with you.”

The doctor pulled out his pr...

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The Broken Grandfather Clock

A man once owned a beautiful grandfather clock (well, he probably still does, but let's put that aside for now). Now, when I saw the grandfather clock was beautiful, I mean absolutely gorgeous. The clock stood nearly 6 feet tall, made from the most splendid mahogany wood, accompanied by intricate ha...

On a river rafting trip in Egypt, a couple began to sink. The husband urged his wife to swim to safety before the water got too deep, but she refused to believe she was in any danger.

She was too deep in de Nile.

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A guy was watching football while his wife was outside cutting the grass.

He went out and asked her what she was going to make for dinner. She said "How dare you ask me that! You're sitting around while I'm working. Pretend I'm out of town and make your own dinner!" So the guy cooked a T-bone steak and began eating it. When his wife came in she said "Hey, where's mine?" a...

In Celebration of my Cake Day, here's a terrible joke: the Olympic Swimmer and his Son

Michael was a famous Olympic Swimmer. Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming. They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament.

The first round was easy. After all, t...

I was watching TV and my wife sat next to me

Wife: "What's on the TV?"

Me: "Dust."

And so the fight began...

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by 2 female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the sporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the gents when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal...

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a lady who must have been in her 60s. In fact she wasn't bad at all! I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers and then she asked me if I'd ever had a "Sportsmans Double". "What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and da...

There once lived a family of balloons, there was: A mommy balloon, a daddy balloon and a kid balloon.

Each night the kid balloon would get nightmares and go into the parents bed when they were asleep. The daddy balloon constantly told the kid balloon not to do this as it was disrupting his sleep schedule. But as the kid got older and older he began not to fit. So one night he released some air from ...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

His family was experiencing financial trouble, and needed money. He tried applying for many jobs, they just didn't work out. After ending up working in the drug business to support his family, a deal went bad and he got shot, landing him to the hospital. The night his family arrived to check on him...

A blonde, brunette, and redhead were standing on the edge of the pool ready for the 100 yard breast stroke race...

The starter shot the pistol and the three dove into the water and began swimming.

A few minutes later, the brunette finished and jumped out of the water. Then the redhead.

About twenty minutes later, the blonde emerged.

They awarded the gold to the brunette, the silver to the re...

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

The Three Paddies find a Leprechaun...

The Three Paddies find a leprechaun, who brings them to the top of his rainbow.
“Slide down the rainbow, and shout out something, and you’ll find it at the bottom,” He says to them.
Paddy the Englishman slides down and shouts gold and he lands in huge pot of gold.
Paddy the Scotsman slides...

A scottish man had been working for years building his own brewery.

He carefully developed his favorite brews. Meticulously crafting flavors he loved. He was involved in every step, from hop selection, to bottle choices, to even designing the labels with his picture on the bottles, flowing red locks and all.

As he began bottling and kegging his new crafts he...

A math teacher is teaching his class in a green costume

Halloween was soon, so he and most of the school was dressed up.

He decided to dress up as The Flash, as he was a popular character among the students, but not knowing the character well, he ended up with a green version of the costume.

After a bit of mocking by the students, he began ...

A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.

He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play.

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right ...

A man was speeding down the motorway...

When a policeman saw him and began chasing him in hot pursuit.
When the man saw the blue lights in his mirror he began to speed up, getting further and further away and faster he went.
The policeman finally caught up when they hit traffic and pulled the man from his car.

Officer: Why di...

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

I told my deaf buddy a joke the other day...

But began it by stating that he’d probably never heard it.

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Bono, whilst playing a gig in Glasgow, got the whole crowd to be silent and then began slowly clapping his hands

He got the crowd to clap along for a while, the stadium quiet except for the rhythmic clapping.

After a short period Bono spoke, saying that every time he clapped his hands a child in Africa died.

Suddenly, from the front row of the venue a voice broke out in thick Scottish brogue, end...

Cowboys and Indian.

One day two cowboys are riding down a road when they saw a Native man with his ear to the road.

“These Indians are amazing.” Said one cowboy. “They can hear things from miles away.”

As they rode closer they heard the man began to speak. “Horse-drawn carriage pulled by two horses, one b...

A lad was on his way to visit his friend. Whilst driving, his car broke down and it began to rain so heavily, he couldn’t see his own hands in front of him. (Halloween super scary story)

**this super scary story as told me to be last night by an Irish dude**

He walked for as long as he could, but the rain became too much to bear. He found a tree and stood beneath it, waiting for a car.
Hours went by, and he was beginning to give up hope. It was a quiet road indeed that ...

A very smooth talking cow

Grazed in a pasture near the chicken coop. The most delicious plants, the spearmint leaves, sat at the edge of the fence where the chickens perched. Whenever the cow would come by she'd eat the leaves, and then smooth talk the chickens with her minty fresh breath. The chickens would eventually ge...

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My first OC joke. (Long)

A man walks into an antique shop. He approaches the female cashier and
asks, “Is this your store?”

She nods her head, “My parents owned it for a few decades, I had since inherited it.”

The man then asks her, “Would you like to see a magic trick?”

The woman, barley amused, dec...

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So my friend Sam got a job with a large oil company to work oil fields in the Middle East.

Once he got to his site, he found he was 35km from the nearest town, no one had a personal vehicle, and the crew was 100% men. All was well for a month or two, but Sam was getting very sexually frustrated. He asked another crew member what they did when they were so horny, and the guy gestures to th...

Sound was loud

I was on the bus the other day and I really needed to fart.

Luckily the music was really loud so I timed my farts with the beat, and after a couple of songs I began to feel better.

As I left the bus though, I noticed everyone was starting at me in disgust.

That's when I remember...

A state trooper pulls over a farmer...

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he ...

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

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Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

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A llama was grazing in a field one day... (long)

... when another llama came over.

"Hello," said the first llama.

"Whatcha doing?" asked the second llama.

"Oh, you know, eating some grass. Care to join me?" replied the first llama.

"Oh, thank you," said the second. So now there were two llamas eating. Along came a third...

A lawyer is cross-examining a doctor on the stand.

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

Doctor: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

Doctor: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

Doctor: "No."

Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was ...

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"Dad, how did you meet mom?"

The child's dad, excited, explains how he was once a manager for a rodeo, where men usually were the only ones participating. Not like it was restricted from girls to enter, it was just something "normal" in the old days.

One day, many years ago, he saw a woman that would be the child's mothe...

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

I know nothing about the sport of fencing

But I attended a match with a friend who promised to explain everything.

The fencer took position, and one lunged at the other who batted the blade away.

The crowd went wild.

"That was a parry." My friend explained.

The fencer lunged again, the other deflected the blade...

A programmer began to cuss

Because getting to sleep was a fuss.


When laying in her bed


Looping round in her head


Was: while (!asleep()): sheep++;

A man was rushing to the hospital

His wife was already there, giving birth to twins. However, the man, is his haste, failed to see a car coming from his left. The wreck was, thankfully, unsubstantial. The man was unscratched, but unconcious.

He woke up, hours later, in his bed. His brother noticed he had finally woken up and ...

After years of saving Saul finally had enough money to get his eye transplant in China

His wife was opposed to the idea on moral grounds. His brother was worried he might lose what little sight he had now. His friends were worried that what he was doing wasn't entirely legal.

He dismissed them all one by one and finally bought his ticket and set off with grim determination. <...

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I wanted to get to know the new priest at my church.

My priest and I agreed to go fishing. We sat there talking and waiting for a bite until, finally, the priest snagged a large fish. As I helped him pull it out of the water I said,"This is a big son of a bitch."

The priest stopped, "Son, why such salty language?"

Wanting to save face I ...

George Bush bought a rotisserie chicken

George Bush went to the store on day and bought a rotisserie chicken for dinner. He began his trek home when a sudden and serious hunger fell over him. His stomach grumbled, he had a headache, all his mind could think about was eating. Fortunately, he was able to bear with it until he got home. Once...

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A guy walks into a bar, and sees a jar full of money sitting on the table.

Puzzled, he looks at the bartender before ordering a drink.

“Shit, is this the tip jar for today?”

The bartender, cleaning a glass, shakes his head before looking up at the man.

“No, that’s our prize money.”

“Prize money?” The man asked. “What competition did this bar com...

I got so angry with poachers illegally killing dolphins that I began randomly implanting some with tiny bombs.

But it just ended up defeating the porpoise.

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What causes arthritis

A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a priest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turn...

A baby was upset because a lizard that spoke of theoretical physics wouldn't climb the crib.

The mother began to comfort the baby.

"Mama's gonna buy you a Hawking bird."

Two honeydew melons in a patch had just met, but immediately fell madly in love with each other.

One of the melons came from a strict and abusive family, and desparately wanted to get married. The other melon loved her so much, that he went to the father's patch to ask his permission to marry.

"Sir, I am in love with your daughter, and I wish to marry her. Do I have your permission?", th...

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A man hosts a dress-up party, where the theme is you have to come dressed as a mood...

...on the night of the party, the man is at the front door greeting his guests and asking them what mood they were dressed as.

A couple of women arrived all dressed in green saying "we're green with envy".

A trio of men turned up dressed in red saying "we're red with rage".

More...

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch...

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I ...

So my science teacher began her astronomy unit with star formation

She gave a stellar explanation.

During a weekly game at the home for the aged, the bingo caller began choking and then collapsed.

He was rushed to emergency, and went immediately into surgery.

It appeared that 40 years of calling bingo games in smoky halls had finally caught-up with him.

The surgeon successfully removed a mass that was blocking his windpipe.

After waking from the surgery, the caller asked...

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish.



A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first c...

An 11 year old girl realized she began to grow hair between her legs.

She immediately got worried and asked her mom about the hair. Her mom calmly replied,

“That part where the hair is grown is called a monkey. You should be proud your monkey has grown hair!”

The young girl was excited and went to sleep.

The next morning, the young girl went up ...

Praying for salvation...

One rainy day, a very religious woman was standing on her front porch watching as the river across the street started to rise up its banks. A policeman drove down the road and saw her, pulled his cruiser up her drive, and got out.

"Excuse me miss," he called over to the woman, "but the rains ...

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3 Wishes

A genie gave three men one wish each, as they were friends travelling far journey. They were to run and jump of a cliff and call the name of who they wanted to transform in.

The first man ran off the cliff and jumped and shouted, "Superman!" and he transformed into Superman.

The secon...

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I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday."

An extremely handsome man walks into a bar...

He sits down at the bar and begins small talk with a few girls. He's charismatic and the girls love him. He talks most of the night away. But after a while another man enters. This man is rather ugly. Perhaps even hideous. Like God got drunk and began just throwing mismatched facial features onto an...

NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS ANYMORE!!

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It...

Two Irishmen sat at a bar...

To pass the time, they began to get to know each other.

“Where you from, laddie?” said the first

“Oh, I’m from Dublin, ya see” said the second.

“Oh ya don’t say! I’m from Dublin, too! What parish were ye in?”

“Oh I was in the St. Thomas parish, ya see”

“Ya dont say...

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Grandma in Court

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you please state your age?

**Little Old Lady:**
I am **94** years old.

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of **April 1st?**

**Little Old Lady:**
There I was, sitting there in my s...

"You know what..." my wife began.

"You never say you love me."
"Do you want me to say it then?" I asked.
She said, "Yes, please do."
I looked into her eyes and said, "You love me."

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small .22 cal Beretta Pistol

ST PETERSBURG, FL -- This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:

"While out walking along...

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