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At Home Jokes

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

I got to a party and the host said, “Make yourself at home”, so I got comfortable.

Turns out English was not his first language, and he was asking me to leave.

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A woman is at home and hears someone knocking at her door

She goes to the door, opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it's the same man and he asks the same question to the woman "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door ag...

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A husband on a work trip when decides to call his wife at home...

A woman the husband doesn't recognize picks up the phone.

"Who is this?" asks the husband.

"I'm the maid. I was hired yesterday," says the maid.

"Ah. Could you put my wife on the phone?" asks the husband

"No, she's busy having sex with someone in the room upstairs," repli...

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see?

He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're twins! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting, but I ignored this and I went up to my friend's room,



“How are you mate?” I said.



“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my ...

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Why is hotel sex so much better than sex at home?

You can be loud if you want, make a mess, your spouse isn't there....

Why wasn't Steve Jobs allowed to fart at home?

His house didn't have windows!

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door.

He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man replies, “Yes, I am.” The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The guy says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says, “I’m sorry...

Working at home sucks...

....if you’re a firefighter.

I visited my new friend in his apartment, and he told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

An old man is at home on his death bed

When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just o...

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the m...

A man wakes up at home with an awful hangover...

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.  He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest o...

How to make Bacon-Wrapped Duck at home:

Get yourself a duck of about 1.5 to 2kg, and two large bottles of Scottish whisky, bacon strips and a bottle of olive oil.

Put the bacon around the duck, and treat the inside with pepper and salt.

Preheat the oven for 10 minutes at 180 degrees Celcius.

Fill a large glass with wh...

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A single woman on her period decides that she does not longer want to sit around at home ...

... and that it is time to hit the town for some drinks. Maybe she will meet that special someone tonight? She decides to go to the local bar.

As she sits at the bar by herself a very drunk gentleman approaches and starts to flirt with her. It is clear the man wants to have sex with her. Howe...

Why did Waldo and Carmen Sandiego get jobs at Home Depot?

Because you can never find anyone who works there.

People are taking "Stay at home" quite seriously

My dad who went out to buy cigarettes 20 years ago, just came back home.

An Irish housewife is at home, being a homemaker, while her husband is away working at the Guinness factory

When she hears a knock on the door.

Upon answering the door, she sees it is two of her husband’s friends and co-workers.

“Mary,” says the first co-worker, “I’m afraid we have some terrible news. You see, there was an accident at the factory today, and your husband fell into a vat of th...

Optimus Prime is at home, watching TV, when his power goes out.

Frustrated, he calls the electrical company, and they have someone sent over. As he goes to ask the lineman what's going on, he notices that his jaw won't move, so he goes to get some motor oil to lubricate his jaws.

10 minutes later, he arrives back at his house, his mouth full of motor oil....

A retired couple sitting at home was reliving their 50 years of marriage together.

The wife finally had gotten the courage to ask “Whats the cigar box under the bed you told me to never open?”

The husband sat a moment and then got up, abruptly leaving the room. When he returned, he had the cigar box. He sat down and opened it. Inside, there were three 50$ bills.

“I w...

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents an

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

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An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot

When they collided. The old guy says to the young guy. “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.”


The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit an...

A Jewish man was at home

A Jewish man was at home when his son came home and told him:

“Guess what dad, I just converted to Christianity!”

The man, confused about his son’s sudden decision, goes to his friend’s house and explains to him what happened. He replies:

“You won’t believe what happened. My son...

I was sat at home the other day and there was a knock at the door.

"Hello" said the young boy, when I opened the door. "I'm collecting for the local swimming pool"



So I gave him a glass of water.

Im so bored sitting at home that I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving twenty blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was calmly walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive forty blocks away and leave the cat there. But as he pulled into his driveway, the cat was there.

He kept taking the cat farther and farther, but the cat would always beat him home....

Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble are relaxing at home one afternoon, when...

...Barney turns to Fred and asks, "Hey Fred, you wanna get high?"

Fred replies, "Yeah, a dab'll do."

A man is sitting at home…

when he hears a knock at his door. He opens the door and there’s no one there- cranes his neck to look and see if anyone is hiding he looks left and right- nothing.
As he’s about to close the door- he looks down and sees a snail. He shrugs his shoulders and flicks the snail across his yard.
...

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After a sleepover, a boy drops a girl at her home

He puts his hand on the wall by the gate for support, leans toward her.

BOY : Can I kiss you?

GIRL: Not now, we're home.

BOY : Please.

GIRL: No.

BOY : You were damn sexy in bed today.

GIRL: You too, full of energy. I cannot believe we had four rounds!
...

The gloves come off at home.

It's one of the benefits of being married to a proctologist.

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Whenever someone tells me "Make yourself at home"

I find the nearest computer, Google some porn, remove all my clothes and start masturbating

At home remedy...

My brother rubbed lard on his back to help cure Covid, he went down hill fast after that.

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An Elderly Couple are at home...

An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"

i have a nice laptop at home.

one day I was outside playing some ball game with some girls when one of the girls asked me to come over. I said yes of course, **as usual**. We get there, take off our shoes, and she stripped naked and laid down on the bed. Then she told me to take what I want, so i took the laptop and went home.

I like making vegetables at home

All I need is a hammer.

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

why did the student rush to the aquarium when he forgot his geometry box at home?

Coz fish have scales.

My wife asked why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid that Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home,

the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

I am not sure the news anchors at CNN and FOX are very handy at home.

All I ever hear is them breaking the news.

A man is away on vacation and phones his brother to see how things are at home.

\-Hi Gary, how's everything going?

\-Oh, not so good. To start your cat died and...

\-Hold on a sec, Gary. You don't ruin someone's vacation and give bad news just like that. You have to be subtle. You could've just said "Oh, the cat's up on the roof right now" or something, so I do...

A man is sitting at home...

It's almost 22:00 and he's watching TV just about to go to bed. As he is heading upstairs, he hears a knock at the door and goes ahead to answer it.

It's a homeless man and the homeless man asks: "Can I please borrow a fork?" The man thinks nothing of it and gets the fork and hands it to the ...

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Sharon was bored at home with her boyfriend Andrew.

"Andrew, I'm sick of just sitting at home doing nothing. Let's go out for lunch to that nice restaurant." Sharon said.

"That sounds like a great idea", replied Andrew. "BUT... I've already organised to do some gaming with some friends today."

"There is always A BUT! You never put any e...

My wife went to work and left her phone at home.

I found it on the kitchen table.

I tried to call and tell her, but she didn’t answer.

What’s worse is someone kept calling.

Wait ‘til I find out who Honey is.

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Man comes running in the door at home all excited. "Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery" she asks "should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

I don't care. Just get the fuck out.

A computer programmer was sitting at home with his wife.

He takes a cigarette out of his pocket, lights it, and takes a puff.
His wife looks at him angrily and says,
"You really need to stop doing that. Can't you see the warning on the box? It says 'hazardous to health!'"
The programmer takes another puff of his cigarette and says,
"I'...

I went to hang out at a friend's house. He told me to make myself at home.

So I kicked him out, I hate having people over.

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One day a very religious man is praying at home when suddenly a tsunami hits.

He climbs to the roof of his house to avoid the flood and starts praying to God to save him.

"Oh God, I've worshipped you all my life, I'm not ready to die. Please save me from this flood"

After a few minutes of this, a guy on a rowing boat see's the man in distress and calls out
...

Saw a guy in the power tool department at Home Depot who looked a lot like Elvis.

Returned a sander.

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Warning, Shopping at Home Depot!

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happ...

Keeping tropical fish at home can have a truly calming effect on the brain.

Due to all the indoor fins.

A husband and wife were relaxing at home when all of a sudden it started to snow...

Their show was interrupted by a news broadcast instructing everyone to park on the west side of the street to allow the snow plows to run.
The woman jumps up and grabs her keys to move her car immediately.
The next night the snow is still unrelenting and the broadcast instructs everyone to p...

When we make pizza at home it's my wife's job to shred the cheese.

She's the gratist.

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A guy at work calls his wife at home

and an unfamiliar female voice answers the phone. The man asks,

"Who is this?"

"I am the maid."

"Since when have we had a maid?"

"I was hired by the woman of the house this morning."

The man is surprised that his wife would hire a maid without consulting him first ...

No one's at home

A lady calls her guy and says, "there's no one at home tonight..."
Guy: "wow. Say no more"
Guy gets all ready, buys protection and goes to her place.


There really wasn't anyone at home. Door was locked :(

You're sitting at home when all of a sudden

There's a knock at the door.

You open the door.

It's a bathroom sink...

Let that sink in..

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

Customer at home depot: is this spray good for wasps?

Me: No it kills them.

And that is how I got my first complaint of the day.

Where are those guys who told me I can earn 5k a month by sitting at home. We need to talk.

Sorry for ignoring you in the past.

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

[Long] Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth."

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the b...

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