The Kansas police found a large number of dead crows on the 135 outside of Witchita today

There was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varyin...

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A guy living in Kansas hears a voice in his head one day...

And this god like voice in his head says "LEAVE YOUR FAMILY, SELL EVERYTHING YOU OWN AND GO TO RENO, NEVADA"

The guy ignores it at first, and for as long as he can, but it just won't stop "SELL EVERYTHING, TAKE EVERY PENNY YOU HAVE, GO TO RENO"

So finally he can't take it anymore and h...

The Kansas City Chiefs played a lot like a well intentioned black joke.

No Offense

You should get the Kansas City Vaccine

Then you won’t catch anything.

If Dorothy missed Kansas, what did Toto miss?

They missed the rains down in Africa.

One morning when Dorothy woke up, she walked outside and realized she wasn't in Kansas anymore.

Just then, a good witch appeared. "Welcome to the land of Oz," she said. "If you want to return home, you must follow the yellow-brick road to the Emerald City and speak directly to the Wizard of Oz himself." And so, Dorothy set off down the yellow-brick road.

Dorothy walked through a farm an...

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.”

How many Kansas City Chiefs does it take to change a flat tire?

Just one. Unless it's a blowout. Then the whole team shows up.

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Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. “Judy, Judy.”<...

Did you hear about the group of Kansas City football players who all contracted skin infections while smoking marijuana?

The Joint Chiefs of Staph

I've heard there used to be so many pirates in Kansas

But they were eventually kicked out and made their own state, arr-kansas

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Marine Biologist

My uncle is a marine biologist who grew up in Kansas. He moved to Los Angeles for grad school and never left. His first real job was as a lab tech at USC, where he spent several years before stumbling into a part-time instructor job, which he finally parlayed into a tenured faculty position. The wor...

Why didn’t the Kansas City Chiefs go to meet the president at the White House?

They tried... Unfortunately, they went to the state of Washington...

What did the Titans team pilot say when they arrived in Kansas City?

Touch Down! Kansas City!

A guy has 2 dying friends...

A guy has two close friends, Fin and Scott. Fin has a heart disease and Scott had a major stroke.both of them thought they were done for.

Jake, who is the guy in this story, receives the news that they have both sadly passed away, and either one left a section for him in their will.

F...

I used to live in the middle of Kansas, but I remember very little.

It was all a Hays.

My grandpa's favorite joke

Two guys are driving from Kansas to Maine and they drive by a sign for Worcester, MA. They both look at eachother and say, 'how the hell do you pronounce that?" The driver says "War-chester", the passanger says, "Nah, its gotta be "wir-ster". They argue a bit and decide that the only way to know for...

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A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" 

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess So the boy asked the stewardess, 
...

Two guys from New York go on a cross-country trip and end up walking into a bar in Kansas.

After a few too many drinks, one of the guys asks the bartender, "Hey, can you tell us how to go cow tipping?" "I'm sorry, gentlemen. Cow tipping is simply an urban myth," the bartender explains. "The farmers actually pay them a competitive wage."

Rihanna is now a fan of the Kansas City Royals.

They don't beat anyone.

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced

"Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two ...

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A truck driver from Alabama who has been driving around the country for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Kansas City.

He walks straight up to the madam, drops $300 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich.”

The madam is astonished. “For that kind of money you could have one of my best girls and a three-course meal.”

The driver replies, “I’m not horny...

What is a good reason to live in Kansas?

Family.

Father Thomas, having just graduated from seminary school in Kansas, was assigned to St. Patrick’s Cathedral in NYC.

When he arrived, he was greeted by the Mother Superior, who told him that Reverend O'Donnell was out, and suggested that Thomas take a walk around NYC to see the sights.

As he’s walking down the street, a scantily-clad young woman walks up to him and says, “$25 for a quickie, Father”. Being ...

I started taking fish out of Kansas City and bringing them into Kansas. The local vegans and fishermen got mad at me.

I said, “What, I’m just putting them out of their Missouri”

There's a blonde in the middle of a Kansas field in a rowboat...

just rowing her heart out. Another blonde driving by sees this, pulls over, gets out, and yells "You know it's blondes like you that make us all look dumb! If I could swim I'd come out there and beat your ass!"

'Twister kills fifteen in Kansas'

Anybody else think the Americans may be playing it wrong.

Where did the Pirate from Kansas move to?

Ar-Kansas

Kansas, Colorado, New Mexico, and Texas are all about to Outlaw Interstate Begging

These four states are all against the Oklahoma panhandle.

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Thought you'd like to know.

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called, and that on a few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog o...

What's the difference between the Kansas City Chiefs and a dollar bill?

You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

What do a Florida hurricane, a Kansas tornado, and an Arkansas divorce have in common?

Some poor sap's gonna lose a trailer.

Why do all the trees in Kansas lean south?

Because Oklahoma sucks.

During a family roadtrip through Kansas a young man went to run an errand alone...

As he was driving he became very lost. He couldn't find his way back to his family back at the motel they we're staying at. He decided to call his father and ask for directions back. As he was talking to his father he spot large vultures in a circle eating something on the ground. He asked "Dad, wha...

My friend and I were talking about venomous snakes.

I told him there are two main types of venom: neurotoxin, which affects the nervous system, and hemotoxin, which breaks down cellular walls and damages tissue. Most of the indigenous venomous snakes in the U.S. are part of the second group.

I explained, "It can be deadly if the venom is carri...

What do buzzards in Kansas eat?

Carrion, my wayward son.

What's the inverse of Kansas?

Arkansas

The bank robber

A hooded robber burst into a Kansas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Kansas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealingthe robbers face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looke...

The beverage company Nage decided to do something new.

In the tiny village of Mars, Kansas, a new themepark opened on the outskirts of town. Touted as the future of entertainment, the beverage company "Nage" decided to take all their leftover & recycled parts of their product, and turn them into hardened plastic materials to construct their attracti...

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Kansas

So a man is driving down a Kansas highway, when all of the sudden his car breaks down. The man gets out of his car, pops the hood, and starts diagnosing his problem. All the sudden out of nowhere the man hears "it's the radiator." Shocked the man looks up and around doesn't see anybody, except for a...

What do you call a Kansas cover band composed of physicists?

Baryon my wayward son!

Three American men are sitting on a beach in the Caribbean sipping their rum and they get to talking...

Soon they happen to inquire about each other's backgrounds.

The first man says, "I used to own a matchstick factory back in California. But one day there was a fire and the entire factory was burned to the ground. I collected my insurance money and decided to retire here in the Caribbean." <...

Something funny my daughter said

I took the family on a road trip to Colorado to go snowboarding. (FYI: my kids are Vietnamese).

Had my two youngest daughters in the back, Nhi 9 & Oanh 11.

Youngest was reading license plates off, "Kansas, Texas, Colorado" etc.

Then I hear Nhi (little one) in her viet/engl...

How do you keep the Kansas City Chiefs away from your house?

Paint a goal line on your driveway.

Why can't you find pirates in Kansas?

They all live in Arkansas

Four former U.S. presidents...

Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.

“What brings you before the grea...

I dont wanna do what I did in Texas.....

Man rides up to a saloon on a beautifullly patterned Palomino stallion, ties the horse to the rail, walks inside, orders lunch and a beer. After his meal is done he gets up, pays the waitress and walks out the doors...to find his horse missing.

He sighs mournfully, removes the safety loops on...

Did you hear about the band Kansas getting arrested for kidnapping at the airport?

They tried to carry-on my wayward son.

A man had a terminal illness.

His doctor says he only had six months to live and there is only one treatment. The doctor tells him he had to marry a woman that yells at him constantly and move to Kansas.

“Will it help?” asks the man.

“No,” says the doctor, “but it will be the longest six months of your life.”

In 1952 the New York Philharmonic was on a national tour...

...and on their way home from the west coast when their flight was grounded in Kansas due to bad weather.

It had been a long tour and tensions had been running high. A first violin player was a wreck from excessive alcohol consumption, the trumpet section engaged in much infighting due to com...

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A violist's 3 wishes...

Joe is a violist in the Kansas Radio Symphony. One day, as Joe is walking home from work, viola in hand, he stumbles across a peculiar looking lamp. Being utterly dissatisfied with his life, Joe rubs the lamp, and a genie appears.



"Waddya want?" the genie asks in a Jersey accent. Joe ...

Never thought I would hear an actual funny joke in church

Heard this joke from my priest at church (I live in Kansas City).

A man who lived a lifetime of trouble died and was sentenced to smash rocks in hell to suffer for his sins. One day the devil walked up to the man who was breaking the rocks with ease and asked him how he was doing it so effort...

A lot of cities like to name their sports teams after their states major disasters

For example:

- Chicago Fire (Soccer)
- Colorado Avalanche (Hockey)
- Kansas City Tornadoes (Basketball)
- San Jose Earthquakes (Soccer)
- Miami Hurricanes (Football)
- New York City Jets (Football)

Original joke taken from a comment by u/toastytreats

What did Tennessee?

Same thing Arkansas

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The tale of Paul and Old Joe

There once was a man named Paul who, after some trouble with the law, found himself homeless behind a fast food joint just outside of Wichita, Kansas. He stayed there for a few days, drinking from the bathroom sinks and eating scraps from the trash, when an old rancher named Joe found him and took p...

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A mercurial rocker hands out backstage passes...

A mercurial rocker of a popular band was known to give out many backstage passes. Now this happens all the time in the music industry; however this rocker always handed out the same pass to many women, and never changed it. The pass was for Tulsa OK, and he'd give out the large TULSA backstage pas...

A guy is scoping out chicks in a bar...

...when he sees one wearing a Kansas City Chiefs jersey.

He walks up to her and says, "Hi. My name is 21 Point Lead."

The woman laughs and replies, "That's not your name!"

The guy says, "You're right, but I figured anyone wearing a Chiefs jersey would blow a 21 point lead."

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The Duck Hunter

Duck hunting season had just opened and Fred traveled to Canada for his yearly hunting trip. On his first day out on the lake he was pretty successful and bagged 3 beautiful water fowls.

On his way back to his cabin for lunch he is stopped by the Game Ranger on his boat. The ranger takes a p...

All he wanted was a coke

Larry was a lonely wanderer, traveling the vast country of the United States.

One evening, after a long day on the road he came across a small town named Healdsburg, after the founder Harmon Heald. Larry decided to stop in for a meal and a good nights rest. For his supper he had a wonderful ...

80,000 blondes gather for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention"

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention ". The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer? " A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The lead...

Mother of The Year

So a reporter for *The Kansas City Star* goes all the way down into rural Arkansas to do a feature on a single mother with twelve sons.

As they sit on the porch sipping lemon tea and smoking Camels, the mother hears a shout. She yells, "Harold, you leave your brother alone!"

Then as a ...

Blond in Wheat

Two blondes drive through the middle of Kansas, surrounded entirely by wheat fields.

One blonde riding shotgun says, "Look over there!" They see another blonde in scuba gear who is acting like she's swimming through the wheat.

The blonde driving says, "It's girls like that who give us ...

My favorite bad Christmas joke

Dolf is the weatherman at KTVY, the local CBS affiliate in Kansas City. He's also a closet communist, and has a bit of an anger management problem. During their Christmas Eve broadcast Dolf forecasts a cold and rainy Christmas day, then turns it over to Erin, the anchor he's been dating for the past...

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