UPJOKE
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Why are so many americans stupid?

Cause they shoot the ones that go to school

Why are Americans so stupid?

Because they shoot all the ones who go to school

EDIT: I love jokes and comedic freedom... but I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THIS ONE LOL

EDIT 2: Thanks for letting me share the pain of this one with you, internet. And I’m not European (where are ppl getting this lol), I am also 🇺🇸

Americans In Canada

An American couple is driving through Canada and stops at a gas station to fuel up.

As the man goes into the station to pay, his wife calls out to him, “Ask them where we are!” So the husband walks in, pays, and asks, “By the way, where are we?”

To which the attendant answers, “Saska...

Why do Native Americans hate April?

Because April showers bring May Flowers, and Mayflowers bring white people.

Why are Americans so good at shooting?

We have the best schools for it

Why won't Americans switch to the metric system?

They have a foot fetish

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

How do you get a dozen Americans out of a car?

Tell them to stay inside the car.

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

There would be mass confusion.

9 out of 10 Americans are stupid...

I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.

As an Aussie, Americans always ask me where in Australia *isn’t* there anything trying to kill me…

“School” I tell them.

Two Americans were walking in the Arabian desert one morning, when they come across a mosque.

They hadn't had food or water for days, and thought maybe the people in the mosque would give them some.

"Ok, Joe, we will tell these people we are Muslims, and maybe they will give us some food and something to drink. You'll be Hassan, and I'll be Muhammed", said Roger.

"No way, man. ...

In Britain we call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".

I guess we're just raised differently.

How do you get Americans to join a World War?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

What is the difference between Americans and the British?

Americans think 200 years is a long history, while the British think 200 miles is a long trip.

How to make Americans take vaccines

Tell them immigrants are coming to America to take all their vaccines.

On this day, when we Americans storm Area 51, you Europeans should storm the Vatican Archives

We'll take on the aliens, you'll take on the predators.

Americans are the best at solving Rubik’s Cube

They have a long history of sorting and separating colours

What is the difference between Americans and IT support?

Americans don't have troubleshooting.

What starts with O, ends with N I O N S, and makes Americans cry?

Opinions

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Americans and a German gynecologist were having a drink...

After a few they start sharing stories from their professions. Since all 3 were gynecologists it soon became a brag-fest.

American 1: "I once had a patient who had a clitoris like a blueberry!"

American 2: "that's nothing, my last patient had one like a cherry!"

German: "I would...

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None; they're content to wander around in the dark pretending everything's okay.

German humor is like healthcare

Many Americans simply don't get it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

American tourists visit Russia

... and decide they want to take a hike in a genuine Russian forest. While hiking, they suddenly encounter a huge bear. The bear starts chasing the tourists, who are running for their lives.

Not far from there, there is a campsite where a group of Russian campers is chilling out and drinking...

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American

She shares the joys of being a part of the greatest country in the world, and asks her students to raise their hands if they are or want to be American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however,...

I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math...

Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.

I find it odd that so many Americans are circumcised...

Especially considering how many rely on tips to get by.

What's the difference between Americans and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it'll grow a culture

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Americans spell it as 'color' and not 'colour'?

Because fuck u that's why.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Americans and The Japanese

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced rowing hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that th...

Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?

because they practice at the best schools

How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.

The Americans and Russians

at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's...

According to my calculations, about 40% of Americans are Republicans

But that’s just a Conservative estimate

Since reddit has been all about native americans lately..

An Indian and a cowboy are walking through the prairie one day.
The Indian stops and puts his ear to the ground and says "ah, buffalo come."
In which the cowboy replies:
"Dang, you can tell that from stickin yer ear to the ground?"
Indian says:
"No. Ear sticky."

Dear Americans

Dear Americans,
As today is 9.11 I wish you all the best and am really sorry for your losses.

Greetings from Europe!

American Soldiers

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty sea...

Why do Americans shake hands as a greeting?

To show they're only holding one gun

Two Americans were backpacking in Europe

...when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in german:” Where is the nearest petrol diner?”

The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. “Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying.”

The driver tried again ...

Robert Kennedy Junior is running to become US President, and I think Americans should give him a shot.

And a couple of boosters, just to be sure.

Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends?

because they can't protect their towers

Why do Americans always wear tank tops?

Because of their Right to Bare Arms.

The trump family is flying from New York to DC

Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window an...

The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.

Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.

I always thought Americans should say "B".

Because Canadians say "Eh", and Mexicans say "Ci".

Iran bans Americans from traveling there.

Won't beheading there anymore

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a healthy diet

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans....

My son is 2934 days old today.

He was born on 12/12/12.

 

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