A murder-for-hire occurred in a rice field using small china ornaments as the weapon

It was a knick-knack paddy whack

What is an office ninja's most deadly weapon?

The element of supplies

In trying to rid the world of weapons, Tony Stark gave it its best one ever.

Guess you could call him Irony Man

Hey can you tell me what a star shaped weapon in martial arts is called?

Sure I can

Big Jim could tell how any animal was killed and with what weapon...

Big Jim would go to the tavern every night and proclaim he could tell how any animal was killed and with what weapon. If he could do it, he would get a free drink. After a long night of correctly identifying deer killed with arrows, and bears taken down with guns, Big Jim was exceptionally drunk and...

Why do pirates only have one type of weapon attached to their ship?

Because the other weapons are non-canon.

If Trump played DnD, what weapon would he use?

Fire staff

What's the difference between a weapons factory and a children's hospital?

Don't ask me buddy. I just fly the drone.

USA, Russia and China gather together at a weapons convent

The spokesman of the USA says: „Our submarines are great! They can get along 4 months without refueling!“

Russia counters: „Our submarines can even swim 6 months without refueling!“

China smiles and says: „what, only 6? Ours can go 8 months without refueling!“

Suddenly, a submar...

Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

If Santa was an evil dictator, what weapon would he use to rule the world?

Nuclear Missiletoe

A school robotics team made an ultimate weapon, and needed ammo that makes everything fall apart.

That’s why they used common core standards.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Japan can’t make weapons but it can make..

Weabo-ns.

I like my joke and I don’t care

What do you call a Jamaican murder weapon

A blunt object

What do you call a weapons shop owned by three blacksmiths who are all dating each other?

A polyarmory.

ProLifeTip for border crossings: when they ask “Any drugs or weapons?”

The correct response is not “Why, what do you need?”

What is a musicians favourite weapon?

A glockenspiel.

Ba dum tss

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A marksman walks into a weapons store, looking to buy a new scope for his sniper riffle

The marksman tells the owner he wants the best one available

The owner shows him a piece and says "this one has a reach of over 1 km. That's so far, you can see crystal clear my house on the hill from here."

The marksman grabs the scope and looks in the direction the shop owner was poi...

The Ninja Turtles went to a store to buy new weapons. Everyone got what they needed except for Raphael

They didn't have his sai's.

My sense of humor is my best weapon...

... and that’s why I always end up in the hospital.

For anyone who doesn’t know how to make nuclear weapons, this is basically how...

Carefully.

What's a musician's favorite weapon?

C4.

But a knife will do in a pinch, so long as its #.

I accused my friend of pouring glue on my weapons.

He denied it but I’m sticking to my guns.

The Russians developed a very powerful weapon of mass destruction.

Or as they call him, “Agent Orange”.

The best murder weapon would be

a Tupperware lid because nobody would ever find it.

What’s a bank robbing dogs favorite weapon?

A pawed-off shotgun.

Kanye West, Donald Trump, Justin Bieber and Martin Skreli are put in a coliseum, given gladiator weapons and made to fight to the death. Who wins?

Society.

I covered all my weapons in glue.

I questioned it at first, but I decided to stick to my guns.

Ban weapons of mass dyslexia!

Before they start an unclear war.

What's Snoop Dogg's favourite weapon?

A blunt weapon.

What's the difference between Syria and a nuclear weapons test site?

A test site will be evacuated.

What do you call a weapon made of sodium chloride?

A salt rifle.

[Long]A squad of soldiers-in-training stood in line to get their practice weapons...

...for an upcoming simulated battle. As the last guy got up to the sergeant, the sergeant said, “sorry son, we’re all out. Take this broom instead.” The private looked puzzled so the sergeant explained, “When you see the enemy, point the broom at them and say ‘bangity, bangity, bang.’ Don’t worry, i...

In space, two aliens are talking to each other

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to f...

I was chatting with a blacksmith . .

As he hammered away at the steel, I asked him what he was working on. “I make swords” he replied. “Well that seems kind of silly,” I said. “In this day and age the only practical weapon to own is a gun”

He looked up from the forge and gave me a long look before saying, “When all of the bullet...

I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.

I call it "Book Club"

The King's Contest

There was once a King of a faraway land, and he was bored. So we called a contest for all the knights of the land to determine which had the mightiest "weapon".

The knights and their audience gathered in the great hall, and the contest began. The first knight stepped forward, dropped his pant...

Harvey Weinsteins weapon of choice?

The Rapier.

What did President Trump say to the nuclear weapon?

You're fired!!

Trump is doing a meet-and-greet at a crowded venue

and his security detail is being extra watchful. One of them is a new guy and he’s extra jumpy.
Suddenly, a gunman bursts from the crowd, aiming his weapon at the President. Pandemonium ensues. The rookie bodyguard screams “Mickey Mouse!!!” at the top of his voice and this startles the would be a...

North Korea wants nuclear weapons so bad, even their leader is a nuke

Little boy and Fat Man

What do you call someone who buys weapons from North Korea?

An Archeologist.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a Nazi's concealed weapon?

Auschwitz blade!

If we're being honest, there is really only one country that has to worry about North Koreas nuclear weapons...

That country being North Korea.

"Knowledge is a weapon" said Terry Goodkind

which is why the cops can shoot you for holding a book

Terrorists now have a brand new state of the art weapon that can be hidden in plain sight

The Galaxy Note 7

French Presidential bodyguard accidentally discharges weapon whilst on duty...

France & Italy have both offer their immediate unconditional surrender.

Bruce Lee Charged With Carrying A Concealed Weapon.

He had his hands in his pockets.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There's an old farmer with 3 beautiful daughters. He is very protective of them and meets every potential suitor at the front door, with a loaded shotgun in his hands.

Sure enough, come Saturday evening there's a knock at the door. The farmer jumps up, throws open the door and points his shotgun at the young man.

The fellow is a little startled, but manages to say "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. I'm here to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"...

Today, someone told me that, in the next Avengers movie, the Thor Hammer was replaced with a Thor Axe.

My first thought was “What kind of lame weapon is an insect abdomen?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What weapon does a ninja use when he just really don't care..

Nun-Fukks

The year is 1944. The Americans are advancing fast. Adolf Hitler is furious and starts to listen to defensive tactics proposed by his commanders...

The first commander suggests they pull out the tanks from the Eastern front and deploy them in the Western front, so that the defenses there would be hard to go past.

"Are you crazy? That's a horrible idea!" Hitler exclaimed.

The second commander steps in and suggests a horrible idea f...

What do somolian pirates use as weapons?

Arrrrpg's

What kind of weapon does a seasoned vet use?

A salt rifle.

What do you call an official weapon that shoots pieces of music?

A canon canon cannon

I dunno if a gun would be my murder weapon of choice

but it's worth a shot.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Religious people are like tactical nuclear weapons...

It only takes one flying wildly off course, to fuck up alot of innocent people.

And if there happens to be alot of them, we are all fucked.

If Reddit users were Military Weapons...

They would be Attention-Seeking Missles.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Back in the day last name said something about your profession...

The Smiths would hammer away creating armor and weapons as blacksmiths. The Fishers would navigate the seas in search as fishermen. And The Dickinsons, well no one really knew what they did.

Indecision can be a weapon. Sometimes, the best offense is a good on-fence.

That's it. That was the whole joke.

What is a Polish person's favorite weapon?

A Warsaw...

Can a ninja throw projectile weapons?

Shuriken!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

ISIS has reportedly acquired a shitload of cutting edge weapons technology from the Korean black market.

Recent photographs suggest that the technology is known to have an Iris Scanner, S Pen, a 12 MP primary camera and a really mindBLOWING battery life.

My antique wife.

I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

What's the difference between Zorro's weapon and Donald Trump?

One is a light bladed thrusting weapon, and the other is a bit rapier...

After 50 years of failed embargoes and isolation the US has recently unleashed its most obnoxious weapon on Cuba to date…

The American tourist!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A collection of OC jokes!

Well I hope they're funny, anyway. The past few months I've been writing down anything that seems vaguely amusing to me. I imagine that some of them might be already-existing jokes without knowing it, but I hope you enjoy!

* I was offered a job studying fog but I turned it down. In hindsight,...

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were to be executed during a dictatorship.

Method of execution: Firing squad

The brunette was up, the gunmen readied their weapons, the captain started the countdown ... 3...2...1

The brunette exclaimed : "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

The gunmen were terrified! Fearing their impending doom at the face of such a natural phenomenon, the...

I asked my dad what the deadliest weapon known to man is.

He said 'you came out of it'.

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake.

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake.

One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted ...

Got pulled over tonight. Cop asked if I had any weapons.

I showed him my guns. He laughed.

Where do bears store their military weapons?

In bearracks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So Queen of Englad was bored and summoned an American, a frenchman and a russian...

They gather at the palace. The queen says: "Bring me your greatest weapon!". And so they went and came back. The frenchman brought a pistol, the american - an assault rifle while the russian is nowhere to be seen.
The queen got tired of waiting and said the rest: " now take those weapons and sho...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cop was patrolling his regular route

when he started to get pretty thirsty. Naturally deciding to stop at his usual convenient store. As he's pulling into the parking lot he sees a woman pumping gas into her car while smoking a cigarette. She was older and maybe a little unstable. The cop dismounts his cruiser and approaches the woman ...

A guy is pulled over by a cop for speeding

The cop approaches the car and the driver rolls down the window.

"Driver's licence and insurance?"

"I don't have a driver's licence and the car was stolen."

Cop slowly backs up a bit and puts his hand on a gun.

"Is there anything else I should know? Any weapons in the ca...

Two gentlemen meet for a duel...

The first gentleman, who challenged the other after being humiliated, is a man of honor. "I am the one who has challenged you. As such, I shall allow you to choose our weapons." He opens a case with two swords and two guns. "Would you like to duel with swords, or guns?"

The second gentleman i...

What weapons did the Romans use to fight the Carthaginians

As-salt rifles

What's the difference between a mechanical and a civil engineer?

One builds weapons and the other build targets.

Guys joking about chemical weapons isn't funny.

Syriasly.

A frenchman, an englishman, and a new yorker go on an expedition and find an uncharted island.

It turns out it is run by cannibals.
They are ambushed, their weapons stolen, and they are apprehended by the chief of the tribe, who says "You are forbidden from setting foot on this island. We are going to eat you and use your skins to build a canoe. However, we are not without compassion. We w...