Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

I am suspicious that someone in my family has been secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.

Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

I was stopped at the border by a guard who asked me "do you have any weapons?"

I said, "what do you need?"

What is the weapon of choice for straight-edge terrorists?

A Molotov Mocktail

Where does the spider get his weapons?

The dark web...





(Like where my parents will be selling me)

A murder-for-hire occurred in a rice field using small china ornaments as the weapon

It was a knick-knack paddy whack

Big Jim could tell how any animal was killed and with what weapon...

Big Jim would go to the tavern every night and proclaim he could tell how any animal was killed and with what weapon. If he could do it, he would get a free drink. After a long night of correctly identifying deer killed with arrows, and bears taken down with guns, Big Jim was exceptionally drunk and...

If Trump played DnD, what weapon would he use?

Fire staff

In trying to rid the world of weapons, Tony Stark gave it its best one ever.

Guess you could call him Irony Man

Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon.

So, today I went over to the local Gun shop to get a Colt 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.

When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the government about gun control wackos running amok...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Japan can’t make weapons but it can make..

Weabo-ns.

I like my joke and I don’t care

What is a skeleton's weapon of choice?

A bone and marrow.

What is an office ninja's most deadly weapon?

The element of supplies

What's the difference between a weapons factory and a children's hospital?

Don't ask me buddy. I just fly the drone.

For anyone who doesn’t know how to make nuclear weapons, this is basically how...

Carefully.

What do you call a Jamaican murder weapon

A blunt object

ProLifeTip for border crossings: when they ask “Any drugs or weapons?”

The correct response is not “Why, what do you need?”

What do you call a weapons shop owned by three blacksmiths who are all dating each other?

A polyarmory.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A marksman walks into a weapons store, looking to buy a new scope for his sniper riffle

The marksman tells the owner he wants the best one available

The owner shows him a piece and says "this one has a reach of over 1 km. That's so far, you can see crystal clear my house on the hill from here."

The marksman grabs the scope and looks in the direction the shop owner was poi...

The Ninja Turtles went to a store to buy new weapons. Everyone got what they needed except for Raphael

They didn't have his sai's.

What is a musicians favourite weapon?

A glockenspiel.

Ba dum tss

Why do pirates only have one type of weapon attached to their ship?

Because the other weapons are non-canon.

My sense of humor is my best weapon...

... and that’s why I always end up in the hospital.

What's a musician's favorite weapon?

C4.

But a knife will do in a pinch, so long as its #.

The best murder weapon would be

a Tupperware lid because nobody would ever find it.

The Russians developed a very powerful weapon of mass destruction.

Or as they call him, “Agent Orange”.

What’s a bank robbing dogs favorite weapon?

A pawed-off shotgun.

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

Kanye West, Donald Trump, Justin Bieber and Martin Skreli are put in a coliseum, given gladiator weapons and made to fight to the death. Who wins?

Society.

I covered all my weapons in glue.

I questioned it at first, but I decided to stick to my guns.

Ban weapons of mass dyslexia!

Before they start an unclear war.

I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.

I call it "Book Club"

[Long]A squad of soldiers-in-training stood in line to get their practice weapons...

...for an upcoming simulated battle. As the last guy got up to the sergeant, the sergeant said, “sorry son, we’re all out. Take this broom instead.” The private looked puzzled so the sergeant explained, “When you see the enemy, point the broom at them and say ‘bangity, bangity, bang.’ Don’t worry, i...

What do you call a weapon made of sodium chloride?

A salt rifle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Florida state trooper pulls a car over and walks up to the passenger window.

A lady who appears to be in her 80s rolls down her window and the officer asks for her license and registration.

She opens the glove box and the officer sees a Glock in the glove box. He asks her if she has any other weapons in the car.

She opens the center console and shows him ano...

The King's Contest

There was once a King of a faraway land, and he was bored. So we called a contest for all the knights of the land to determine which had the mightiest "weapon".

The knights and their audience gathered in the great hall, and the contest began. The first knight stepped forward, dropped his pant...

Harvey Weinsteins weapon of choice?

The Rapier.

What did President Trump say to the nuclear weapon?

You're fired!!

What's Snoop Dogg's favourite weapon?

A blunt weapon.

North Korea wants nuclear weapons so bad, even their leader is a nuke

Little boy and Fat Man

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dan returns home from work when he finds his wife in bed with another man

He locks them in the bedroom from outside while he tries to calm himself down and figure out what to do in the situation. He ultimately decides that while he may eventually forgive his wife, he cannot let the man go and so Dan decides to beat the shit out of him. He steps into the storeroom for a mi...

What do you call someone who buys weapons from North Korea?

An Archeologist.

What weapon does a weather God use?

A Rain-bow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Campfire stories.

An army ranger, navy seal, and green beret are sitting at a campfire swapping tough guy stories.

The army ranger pipes up by bragging, "One time I had to parachute 4 miles behind enemy lines, take out a platoon of enemy soldiers, and escape with fifty pounds of intel strapped to my back."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Nazi's concealed weapon?

Auschwitz blade!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to f...

"Knowledge is a weapon" said Terry Goodkind

which is why the cops can shoot you for holding a book

If we're being honest, there is really only one country that has to worry about North Koreas nuclear weapons...

That country being North Korea.

Starting today, the United States military began phasing out traditional opaque arms for transparent weapons.

They are beginning preparations for a newclear war.

Terrorists now have a brand new state of the art weapon that can be hidden in plain sight

The Galaxy Note 7

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 95 year old man was founded not guilty of sexual assault...

He was however arraigned with charges of assault with a dead weapon

Which weapon has the least amount of drawbacks?

A bow.

French Presidential bodyguard accidentally discharges weapon whilst on duty...

France & Italy have both offer their immediate unconditional surrender.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead all join a tournament.

They are allowed to bring any weapon they choose, and the only rule is that the first person to draw blood wins.

The brunette walks in with a badass double edged axe,

the redhead walks in with a huge longsword,

and the blonde shows up with a red marker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes duck hunting at a local pond, he feels the need to relieve himself...

so he leans his shotgun up against a tree and starts to take a whiz, when suddenly a strong gust of wind comes along, and knocks the gun over. The weapon goes off and shoots birdshot into the man's penis.

Later, at the hospital, the doctor gives him the news: "I'm afraid your penis sustained...

Whats the difference between a scythe and a sickle?

One is a weapon, the other needs to be paired with a hammer.

What's the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer?

A mechanical engineer designs weapons. A civil engineer designs targets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What weapon does a ninja use when he just really don't care..

Nun-Fukks

This whole North Korea thing is starting to get quite worrying. A child-like leader with a huge army, nuclear weapons and millions of brainwashed supporters.

And then there's Kim Jong Un.

What do somolian pirates use as weapons?

Arrrrpg's

Counterstrike is actually the most progressive game

Because the terrorists get equal access to weapons and stand a chance of winning

A man and a woman are driving down a road when a cop pulls them over

The cop asks the man(who is in the drivers seat)

"Do you know why I pulled you over"

The man replies " Is it because we are smuggling illicit drugs across the border,ran over 2 people and are speeding?"

The cop looks surprised because he only saw them speeding, he starts pu...

Darth Vader was inspecting his security teams weapons locker.

He asked the Chief of Security "Do your men carry pepper spray?" When the Chief replied "No, sir" Darth Vader force choked him and said "I find you lack of mace disturbing."

Indecision can be a weapon. Sometimes, the best offense is a good on-fence.

That's it. That was the whole joke.

Bruce Lee Charged With Carrying A Concealed Weapon.

He had his hands in his pockets.

A quest

An adventurer did a quest for a farmer. When he returned, he saw the farmer had moved all his cows out onto a cliffside as far as they would go. The farmer waved him over and offered the adventurer a sword as a quest reward. The adventurer asked "Why on earth did you move all your cows out here just...

Back during the Cold War, the CIA, FBI and KGB decide to have a contest...

To prove they are the best secret service in the world, they'll have to find a rabbit in a forest.



CIA go first. After 24 hours, they get out of the forest and announce that they listened to every conversation in the forest, checked for strange lights in the sky, overthrew the King S...

If Reddit users were Military Weapons...

They would be Attention-Seeking Missles.

I dunno if a gun would be my murder weapon of choice

but it's worth a shot.

What do you call an official weapon that shoots pieces of music?

A canon canon cannon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religious people are like tactical nuclear weapons...

It only takes one flying wildly off course, to fuck up alot of innocent people.

And if there happens to be alot of them, we are all fucked.

What is a Polish person's favorite weapon?

A Warsaw...

To celebrate their 10th anniversary, Fruit Ninja decides to host a live event.

They decide to commission for an arcade style game/exhibition to be made where the visitors can pick up physical weapons at each of the fruit stations and hit the designated fruit with them. After they hit the fruit the computer would display their score and play a congratulatory tune if they got ab...

Can a ninja throw projectile weapons?

Shuriken!

I asked my dad what the deadliest weapon known to man is.

He said 'you came out of it'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

ISIS has reportedly acquired a shitload of cutting edge weapons technology from the Korean black market.

Recent photographs suggest that the technology is known to have an Iris Scanner, S Pen, a 12 MP primary camera and a really mindBLOWING battery life.

After 50 years of failed embargoes and isolation the US has recently unleashed its most obnoxious weapon on Cuba to date…

The American tourist!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A collection of OC jokes!

Well I hope they're funny, anyway. The past few months I've been writing down anything that seems vaguely amusing to me. I imagine that some of them might be already-existing jokes without knowing it, but I hope you enjoy!

* I was offered a job studying fog but I turned it down. In hindsight,...

I was chatting with a blacksmith . .

As he hammered away at the steel, I asked him what he was working on. “I make swords” he replied. “Well that seems kind of silly,” I said. “In this day and age the only practical weapon to own is a gun”

He looked up from the forge and gave me a long look before saying, “When all of the bullet...

What's the difference between Zorro's weapon and Donald Trump?

One is a light bladed thrusting weapon, and the other is a bit rapier...

Got pulled over tonight. Cop asked if I had any weapons.

I showed him my guns. He laughed.

Where do bears store their military weapons?

In bearracks.

Guys joking about chemical weapons isn't funny.

Syriasly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Queen of Englad was bored and summoned an American, a frenchman and a russian...

They gather at the palace. The queen says: "Bring me your greatest weapon!". And so they went and came back. The frenchman brought a pistol, the american - an assault rifle while the russian is nowhere to be seen.
The queen got tired of waiting and said the rest: " now take those weapons and sho...

Trump is doing a meet-and-greet at a crowded venue

and his security detail is being extra watchful. One of them is a new guy and he’s extra jumpy.
Suddenly, a gunman bursts from the crowd, aiming his weapon at the President. Pandemonium ensues. The rookie bodyguard screams “Mickey Mouse!!!” at the top of his voice and this startles the would be a...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.