The 97+ Best Weapon Jokes

Whats a boomers weapon of choice?

A boomerang.
I hate my life.

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

Proud my girlfriend refers to my junk as a weapon of mass destruction

Unfortunately she meant hard to find.

What is the best weapon against someone with bad hygiene?

Axe.

“Can you please tell me the primary weapon used by ninjas?”

“Shuriken”

I bought a Donatello doll for my nephew, but it didn't come with a weapon.

You just can't get the staff these days.

What weapon does a Catholic ninja use?

Nunchucks.

A pencil isn't John Wick's primary murder weapon.

But it's definitely number 2.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk.
...

If Trump played DnD, what weapon would he use?

Fire staff

What’s a sheep’s favorite weapon?

Baaahzooka

What happens if you drop a nuclear weapon on a dyslexic person?

It's unclear.

I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns

What weapon does Santa have?

Ballistic mistletoe

I asked a ninja the other day if he could tell me what his favorite throwing weapon is.

He said "Sure I can."

Why is the Jedi weapon a sabre rather than a trident?

Because for them there is no tri.

What do you call a soldier who is nervous in battle and wields a long weapon?

Shakespeare

Police in Wales (UK) publish results of recent 'Anonymous Offensive Weapon Surrender' scheme.

Cardiff Central Library in which the amnesty took place last night, is already being celebrated as a 'Significant victory for the people of Wales, its safety and security going forward' by its Chief of Police.

Among the 200+ weapons collected in the haul comprised of:

120 knives and s...

I attack you with an ancient Korean ranged weapon...

Hwacha gonna do about that?

What is an office ninja's most deadly weapon?

The element of supplies

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Orion’s Belt doesn’t sound like it’s named after an almighty Greek God More like it’s named after an Irish father’s punishment weapon of choice.

“You’d better behave young lad, or your arse is gonna meet O’Ryan’s belt!”

What is Ant-Man's secret weapon?

His Thor Axe

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

What’s a ceramist’s favourite weapon?

A claymore.

What is the Polish Combat Weapon of Choice?

The warsaw.

11:38 - Arrived at crime scene.

11:38 - Examined body. Signs of a struggle.

11:38 - Found murder weapon in drain.

11:38 - Realised watch was broken.

If you carve a swear word into a weapon

Does that make it do curse damage?

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake...

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as thei...

Why were kamikaze flyers a bad weapon?

Because all the good ones died in practice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

I have a medical condition, where i sometimes Turn into a small Tower with a weapon on top.

My doctor said, it is called "Turret-Syndrome"

What do you call a computer weapon?

A battering *RAM*

What weapon does a Russian King use?

A Morning Tsar

If there is a body found at a barbershop, the most obvious murder weapon is the most likely.

It's Occam's Razor.

Apparently Kim Jong Un supervised the testing of a new missile weapon system.

I don't know, but it seems quite dangerous to have missiles being fired Un-supervised.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.

“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”

“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.

He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and f...

A murder-for-hire occurred in a rice field using small china ornaments as the weapon

It was a knick-knack paddy whack

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a Jewish Arsonist's weapon of choice?

A Mazel Tov Cocktail

What do you call a weapon made of sodium chloride?

A salt rifle.

A medieval knight walks into a bar, holding a large blunt weapon...

..."Why the long mace?", asks the barman.

US: Iraq, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

iraq: No we don't?

\*US invades Iraq*

US: Syria, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

Syria: No we don't!

\*US invades Syria*

US: North Korea, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

North Korea: Yeah? What's up with that?

US: No.. nothin...

What is a skeleton's weapon of choice?

A bone and marrow.

If Santa was an evil dictator, what weapon would he use to rule the world?

Nuclear Missiletoe

What's a musician's favorite weapon?

C4.

But a knife will do in a pinch, so long as its #.

What do you call a Jamaican murder weapon

A blunt object

The Russians developed a very powerful weapon of mass destruction.

Or as they call him, “Agent Orange”.

Have you guys heard of the serial killer that uses a power drill as his murder weapon of choice?

It was reported that he had bored all of his victims to death.

Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon.

So, today I went over to the local Gun shop to get a Colt 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.

When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the government about gun control wackos running amok...

A school robotics team made an ultimate weapon, and needed ammo that makes everything fall apart.

That’s why they used common core standards.

What’s a bank robbing dogs favorite weapon?

A pawed-off shotgun.

What is the weapon of choice for straight-edge terrorists?

A Molotov Mocktail

Why do pirates only have one type of weapon attached to their ship?

Because the other weapons are non-canon.

What is a musicians favourite weapon?

A glockenspiel.

Ba dum tss

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A marksman walks into a weapons store, looking to buy a new scope for his sniper riffle

The marksman tells the owner he wants the best one available

The owner shows him a piece and says "this one has a reach of over 1 km. That's so far, you can see crystal clear my house on the hill from here."

The marksman grabs the scope and looks in the direction the shop owner was poi...

Big Jim could tell how any animal was killed and with what weapon...

Big Jim would go to the tavern every night and proclaim he could tell how any animal was killed and with what weapon. If he could do it, he would get a free drink. After a long night of correctly identifying deer killed with arrows, and bears taken down with guns, Big Jim was exceptionally drunk and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Nazi's concealed weapon?

Auschwitz blade!

What's Snoop Dogg's favourite weapon?

A blunt weapon.

I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.

I call it "Book Club"

Terrorists now have a brand new state of the art weapon that can be hidden in plain sight

The Galaxy Note 7

"Knowledge is a weapon" said Terry Goodkind

which is why the cops can shoot you for holding a book

Which weapon has the least amount of drawbacks?

A bow.

French Presidential bodyguard accidentally discharges weapon whilst on duty...

France & Italy have both offer their immediate unconditional surrender.

Harvey Weinsteins weapon of choice?

The Rapier.

What did President Trump say to the nuclear weapon?

You're fired!!

I asked my dad what the deadliest weapon known to man is.

He said 'you came out of it'.

Zelensky: Why did you invade Iraq?

United States: Because we "suspected" nuclear weapons.

Zelensky: So why not attack Russia now?

United States: Because we know that Russia has nuclear weapons.

A new Russian "recruit" goes to the Armory to get his weapons.

The armorer looks around, and seeing there are no guns left, hand the soldier a broomstick.

"But Comrade!" complains the recruit. "The enemy have real guns! How will this help me?"

The armorer says to him, "Just point this at them and say 'Bang Bang Bang!' It will work."

"But ...

What is T-Rex's favorite class of weapons?

small arms

I dunno if a gun would be my murder weapon of choice

but it's worth a shot.

Bruce Lee Charged With Carrying A Concealed Weapon.

He had his hands in his pockets.

After 50 years of failed embargoes and isolation the US has recently unleashed its most obnoxious weapon on Cuba to date…

The American tourist!

The morgue needed someone to identify the exact weapon used to kill Native Americans...

Apparently Jack Daniels still does.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

Always been a family favourite.

In the future, wars are fought on a budget

The world economy ensures there are no weapons at all. A man signs up for his country’s army. He gets to training camp. The sergeant hands him a piece of wood shaped like a rifle, with a rubber bayonet on the end.

‘Right, men! This is the new war tactics. You point your rifle at the enemy a...

[Long]A squad of soldiers-in-training stood in line to get their practice weapons...

...for an upcoming simulated battle. As the last guy got up to the sergeant, the sergeant said, “sorry son, we’re all out. Take this broom instead.” The private looked puzzled so the sergeant explained, “When you see the enemy, point the broom at them and say ‘bangity, bangity, bang.’ Don’t worry, i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Appolcolypse

A zombie apocalypse had enveloped the earth. 99.9% of the world’s population had been annihilated and Carl, lone survivor, was venturing the land looking for somewhere to take shelter.

One day, he came across a prison. The place was full of people armed with swords, spears, axes and all kin...

I covered all my weapons in glue.

I questioned it at first, but I decided to stick to my guns.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attit...

I'm Designing a New Strategic Weapons System

It flies over enemy territory expelling thousands of tonnes of excrement.

I call it the Incontinent Ballistic Missile...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vladimir Putin was being briefed by one of his top generals.

"I've good news and bad news for you this morning, sir."

"Let's hear the good news," the president replied.

"Intelligence reports indicate that the latest additions to the Ukranian arsenal are damaged and outdated, and many won't pose any threat to us at all."

"That's excellent!...

People have been criticizing me because I put glue on my hands before handling my weapons

But sometimes one just needs to stick to their guns

Who's the celebrity with the most weapons?

Ana de Armas.

What do you call an amputee trying to do karate?

Partial Arts.

Edit: It's been pointed out that the grammatical construction of this joke could have been better. How about: "What is it called when an amputee does karate? Partial Arts.

Edit edit: best follow up question: What's an amputee's favourite karate weapon? Nub chucks.

How did President Bush know that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction?

Well he kept the receipts.

Who is the most reliable source of weapons to fight against Russians?

Russians.

You're police with Special weapons and tactics Harry

I'm a SWAT?

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

What do you call a battle where the only weapons are truck horns?

A fight to the deaf!!

The government offered to buy my guns from me

But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

Was talking to an uncle of mine at a wedding

The night was getting on and we were each a couple pints deep.

My eyes were starting to wander and he caught me looking at a good looking girl with a fair bit of fake tan on

I look back and see him glance at her before giving me a cheeky wink

“Jeezus” he goes “ye young ones are ...

Ban weapons of mass dyslexia!

Before they start an unclear war.

A man with a gun walks in to a bar...

He unholsters the weapon and waves it in the air, shouting, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with 7 rounds in the magazine and one in the chamber, and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!"

A voice from the back shouts, "you're gonna need more ammo!"

Comparing Texas lawmakers with the Taliban seems a little extreme.

One is authoritarian theocracy armed by US weapons manufacturers that violently persecutes women and children in the name of religion and the other is the Taliban.

Giles was late for shooting practice so the Sergeant made him pretend he was holding a pistol and make "Pew pew" sounds.

Giles didn't want to make a fuss so he makes his hands into a pistol and starts saying "pew pew" while aiming.

But the idiot Giles was almost always late. So a lot of "pew pewing" was going on when he was practicing.

After 4 months, there's been an invasion and a full-blown war has s...

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughin...

To celebrate their 10th anniversary, Fruit Ninja decides to host a live event.

They decide to commission for an arcade style game/exhibition to be made where the visitors can pick up physical weapons at each of the fruit stations and hit the designated fruit with them. After they hit the fruit the computer would display their score and play a congratulatory tune if they got ab...

Why did Russia not deploy their weapons in the Cold War?

It was just Stalin.

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